Hello girls,
I am sorry about my wall of text, but I feel I need to write this because I feel I am freaking out with my feelings...I really don't have anybody to give me advices, just my therapist, but I will see her only at the end of the week...
Well, about one week ago I finally came out to my mom.
Her reaction has been different and her opinions about it changes everyday...but it seems that not for the better.
She keeps saying to me that my life is already very difficult and that it will get a lot worse if I change into a woman. I am aware that I will have to face not being accepted and having trouble in any job I get, or getting weird looks...but she really thinks that my life will be a hell if I transition.
I am finishing the university, I don't have a wife, kids or any job right now...I told her that a lot of people are in way more difficult positions than mine, but I don't think she will change her mind.
She says that this is the only thing that keeps her from accepting my transition...
She doesn't know that I am taking hormones for about 4 months now...so she thinks that this is just some crazy idea I have and that I should forget about it and stay the way I am.
I don't feel I can. I mean, I actually can, but if I choose to do so my life will keep being the same horrible fake thing. Now that I could feel just a bit about how it is to be a woman, I don't want to go back. I don't want to stop HRT and get everything back to "male mode"...
Before realizing about my disphoria and before starting HRT perhaps I could live that way...but I don't think I can now... and I think this feeling will only get worse with time...
Also she keeps telling me that I'd be an ugly manly woman...I really don't mind not being a pretty beautiful hot woman, but I want to be passable...I know my nose is too big and that my hairline was receding...but now new hair is growing and I can see my face getting a different shape...I still I can't see myself as a woman...and I don't know if someday I will.
This is something that discourages me. Looking for my future and wondering if I will be passable someday...
I want to be a woman, because I feel I am a woman inside...I know transition will make me feel great with myself, but a big part of being a woman is also being accepted as a woman...
And if I can't be passable? And if I can't find a job because of that? Can my life get worse than it is right now?
I feel I don't have where to run. I don't want to live as a male, and I don't know if I will be passable as a female.
But perhaps this is my mom filling my head with ideas to make me give up...how real are this ideas? What can I do?
Sorry to come here and vomit this wall of text, but I felt I needed to write it, even if antbody reads.
Baby, it is YOUR life to live, she has had hers. Pass ability? It is in your heart, your soul and if you believe that sincerely, it will show. Look at my avatar, not real passable is it? My therapist said I believe in and have such confidence in myself it MAKES others believe it as much as I do. I have not had, so far, one off look or comment about my appearance or guess at my gender. Those that get "made" are doing it themselves by appearing unsure or nervous of their actions. You just have to let it flow and believe. I believe I am a woman so therefore I am. If you think and feel your destiny is to be female, do it. Life is too short to live for other people's expectations. Be the real you and you will have a good life and be free of regret later. :)
My nose is big and I'm 5'10. I get by in my day to day life. My friends all know I'm trans and yet yesterday I found myself in a room with a bunch of women talking about bra shopping and what trimester is safe to do what all the while gushing over boys on TV. I'll second what Jessica had to say and add people seem to care more about personality.
As for job, it's pretty much the same thing with a need for competence thrown in. Competence is all I want from my colleagues, and that's all the owner of the game store my SO works at wants.
Really, I don't see how you could be successful in your social or professional life if you revert back to male mode. Growing older, seeing your friends and family get all they want while you have to suppress what you need, it's tough. Drove me to anger and finding bottles of beer I didn't want but drank anyway.
Quote from: Natalia on January 19, 2014, 04:37:26 PM
I know transition will make me feel great with myself
That's the heart of the matter right there.
the only thing I can say is that I guessing your well past 18 years old if not past 21 unless your a 13 year old child prodigy just finishing college. Your an adult its your life and you got to live it not any one else.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 19, 2014, 04:47:32 PM
Baby, it is YOUR life to live, she has had hers. Pass ability? It is in your heart, your soul and if you believe that sincerely, it will show. Look at my avatar, not real passable is it? My therapist said I believe in and have such confidence in myself it MAKES others believe it as much as I do. I have not had, so far, one off look or comment about my appearance or guess at my gender. Those that get "made" are doing it themselves by appearing unsure or nervous of their actions. You just have to let it flow and believe. I believe I am a woman so therefore I am. If you think and feel your destiny is to be female, do it. Life is too short to live for other people's expectations. Be the real you and you will have a good life and be free of regret later. :)
Thank you Jessica (you are looking good by the way!) ^^ I know I will regret if I give up and bury my feelings deep inside again...perhaps passability is not that important as I think... what really matter is how you feel with yourself.
Quote from: Misato on January 19, 2014, 04:55:47 PM
Really, I don't see how you could be successful in your social or professional life if you revert back to male mode. Growing older, seeing your friends and family get all they want while you have to suppress what you need, it's tough. Drove me to anger and finding bottles of beer I didn't want but drank anyway.
Thanks Misato! I think on all those things...I would probably end like a lonely guy on a lonely place...alone. It is pretty much how I lived until today...if I don't change it I think this will be my fate.
I can't find confort in drinking, but sometimes I get so deeply angered with myself that I end hurting myself really hard...I know this is not a good signal...it might evolve to something worse. No, I have never considered suicide, but I don't know if living as a male and knowing that I am not a male couldn't bring me this kind of thoughts...
Quote from: stephaniec on January 19, 2014, 05:03:39 PM
the only thing I can say is that I guessing your well past 18 years old if not past 21 unless your a 13 year old child prodigy just finishing college. Your an adult its your life and you got to live it not any one else.
lol no, I have 26...I know I am not a child anymore, but living so close to my mom as I live, it is hard for me to go foward without her approval and consent. You are right, it is my life and I need to get control over it. I lived until today just being pushed by the flow, attending to my family expectations and burying my feelings...it is far past the time for me to grow up and decide things for myself...thanks for helping me to see it.
Quote from: Natalia on January 19, 2014, 05:33:04 PM
I can't find confort in drinking, but sometimes I get so deeply angered with myself that I end hurting myself really hard...I know this is not a good signal...it might evolve to something worse. No, I have never
I didn't find comfort in the bottle either. One of the many reasons why my drinking was a problem.
I'm very glad you're in a position where you'll be able to avoid the drink trap. :)
Quote from: Natalia on January 19, 2014, 05:33:04 PM
Thank you Jessica (you are looking good by the way!)
...it is far past the time for me to grow up and decide things for myself...thanks for helping me to see it.
Thanks for the compliment! :)
It is hard to change the familiar routine's in life. You are seeing the light and will make it and do just fine. If you need anything else at all PM anytime with any question that needs talked about. I am always available most of the time. :)
My mother said all that stuff to me as well. It hurts, but it doesn't make it true. You seem young and to have a whole life ahead of you. Don't believe your life is over when it's only just beginning. And I worried big time about passing in the past as well. Let me tell you that it really "can" improve. In my case, hormones have made a big difference for me, but it took time and dose adjustments. Maybe it will work out for you in the end. Also, remember that we are the hardest critics of ourselves. What is a tiny flaw or a non issue to others may be earth shattering for us. As for family, I can relate in that department. What I will say is that even though it still hurts when my family screams and harshly criticize me, I know that at the very least they are wrong about some things (I can pass and there are people that can accept me). They can shout all they want and claim to know my future, but it doesn't make it true because I've experienced enough to prove them wrong. I've met enough awesome people along the way to know that I'll be able to make it and find acceptance (in terms of employment and social relationships) despite the fact that there may be hardships due to being trans. Think of it this way, how many people here are socially accepted as female and have employment? Enough people to show you that it's possible. Life is hard and there will be bumps along the road, but you can make it and be yourself at the same time. As long as you work hard, believe in yourself and postively deal with the struggles as they come, you can succeed. I'm often down on myself and complain about my hardships (and I've enountered many during my short transition and still face many of them at this very moment), but in the grandscheme of things I know that I'm lucky and that somewhere there is an amazing future for me to live. I really can't say what lies ahead for you (honestly I don't know) but realize that your families bleak view is not definite and that life can be worth living even as a transgender individual. Don't let them taint and distort your self worth and destroy your confidence like I let mine do to me. Good luck with everything. I really hope it will work out for you.
Quote from: learningtolive on January 19, 2014, 05:49:31 PM
My mother said all that stuff to me as well. It hurts, but it doesn't make it true. You seem young and to have a whole life ahead of you. Don't believe your life is over when it's only just beginning. And I worried big time about passing in the past as well. Let me tell you that it really "can" improve. In my case, hormones have made a big difference for me, but it took time and dose adjustments. Maybe it will work out for you in the end. Also, remember that we are the hardest critics of ourselves. What is a tiny flaw or a non issue to others may be earth shattering for us. As for family, I can relate in that department. What I will say is that even though it still hurts when my family screams and harshly criticize me, I know that at the very least they are wrong about some things (I can pass and there are people that can accept me). They can shout all they want and claim to know my future, but it doesn't make it true because I've experienced enough to prove them wrong. I've met enough awesome people along the way to know that I'll be able to make it and find acceptance (in terms of employment and social relationships) despite the fact that there may be hardships due to being trans. Think of it this way, how many people here are socially accepted as female and have employment? Enough people to show you that it's possible. Life is hard and there will be bumps along the road, but you can make it and be yourself at the same time. As long as you work hard, believe in yourself and postively deal with the struggles as they come, you can succeed. I'm often down on myself and complain about my hardships (and I've enountered many during my short transition and still face many of them at this very moment), but in the grandscheme of things I know that I'm lucky and that somewhere there is an amazing future for me to live. I really can't say what lies ahead for you (honestly I don't know) but realize that your families bleak view is not definite and that life can be worth living even as a transgender individual. Don't let them taint and distort your self worth and destroy your confidence like I let mine do to me. Good luck with everything. I really hope it will work out for you.
Thanks Learningto live! Your words have a great power! I hope your family is accepting better you now... but I am sure time can and will change things. for both of us.
It is easy to be against us and try to discourage and destroy our motivations, because they don't know how we feel. They live in harmony with their bodies and they never ever had this persistent feeling of living the bigger of the lies. Their problems are so different and some are so silly and easy to solve close to ours.
And to worse things my mother thinks it is all about sex and she have the very wrong idea that I will become a travestite and that I will start selling my body at the streets. I don't know how she can be so blind about it...this is not about sex at all. Of course it is related to sex, but that is a minor part. I just want to feel good with my body and I want to feel I am tuned with myself, to be allowed to show and express my femininty, that is my real self...
I won't let them change my mind. I know this is the right thing for me, despite of all the difficulties it can bring to me...I know I am destined to be female.
Thanks for your words! They were exactly what I needed to hear (or read ^^)
Hmmm sorry about making this topic kind of a diary, but...
As I have posted before, my mother didn't get very well I telling her I am a transgender and, as she have no friends (just like me), she ended up telling my grandmother and grandfather (I live with them), because she had to talk about it with someone.
My grandmother reaction was like this:
- She told me that this was the biggest disappointment on all her life
- She intends to sell our house because she can't bare I transitioning on the same place we have been living for more than 15 years
- She said a lot of times that I need to think more about it
- She said "damn computers, If those things didn't exist you wouldn't be having those crazy ideas"
With my grandfather it was even worse...he was like a father for me and for a long time he liked to say that I am his biggest idol...
- He told me that I can do it, but he hopes that he will be dead before...
- He thinks that the "damn computer" spoiled my mind and made me go on with "crazy ideas"
- The rest of the time he stood silent and avoiding contact with me.
Both of them thinks that I need to see a doctor and find ways of become more manly. They think I started to have this idea when I started taking finasteride for my hair loss and that it made me want to become a woman. They think that I need to take testosterone to become a man again...
Also, they think that once I was not a feminine boy nor had visible girl tendencies as a child that I am not transgender.
Then my grandmother started to take it lightly...she told me that now I will be the responsible to wash the dishes and so on...
I really don't know what to think.
After it we had lunch and no one talked about it...only a few jokes about if I was going to wash the dishes or not and that I need to be cautious if I want to make a plastic surgery to get a more feminine nose or I will end looking like an ogre.
After the lunch I talked with my mom more about it and she even asked what my name will be, and this time she was serious!
I think things are getting better, besides the overall reactions being negative...but I doubt that any family would accept this kind of thing with their arms open.
And to be worse, I am the only and last descendant of my family...If I don't have kids, I will be last of my line. This bothers me a bit...and of course this bothers a lot the rest of my small family...
Quote from: Natalia on February 01, 2014, 03:39:44 PM
Both of them thinks that I need to see a doctor and find ways of become more manly. They think I started to have this idea when I started taking finasteride for my hair loss and that it made me want to become a woman. They think that I need to take testosterone to become a man again...]
Won't work, but then we both know that.
[Also, they think that once I was not a feminine boy nor had visible girl tendencies as a child that I am not transgender.]
That's what everyone says, but we know it is not true.
[Then my grandmother started to take it lightly...she told me that now I will be the responsible to wash the dishes and so on...]
Not going to touch this one!
[ and that I need to be cautious if I want to make a plastic surgery to get a more feminine nose or I will end looking like an ogre.]
SIGH!
[After the lunch I talked with my mom more about it and she even asked what my name will be, and this time she was serious!]
May be slightly coming around, some hope.
[I think things are getting better, besides the overall reactions being negative...but I doubt that any family would accept this kind of thing with their arms open.]
Very true it is hard to except especially for us. :)
[And to be worse, I am the only and last descendant of my family...If I don't have kids, I will be last of my line. This bothers me a bit...and of course this bothers a lot the rest of my small family...
Not trying to step on your beliefs it is just hundreds of species go extinct every day. What is the purpose to carrying on a name if it is a symbol of repression and dreams unrealized? :)
this is totally my own opinion, but who's life do you want , yours or your family's, I think if your having this much trouble your should be getting more active help from your therapist. I hope your therapy isn't the one way passive approach where you just go in an talk with no feed back or help.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 01, 2014, 03:56:15 PM
Not trying to step on your beliefs it is just hundreds of species go extinct every day. What is the purpose to carrying on a name if it is a symbol of repression and dreams unrealized? :)
Well, you are right...This sounds like some romantic speech from an old epic novel, but being the last of your line is not that much, unless you are the last of a noble family. My family had a "famous" painter and nothing more. A lot of my uncles died of cancer and most of them were so ignorant and close-minded that I want to vomint every time I remember that I carry their genes.
I only feel bad for my mother, that had a hidden desire to be a grandmother...but unless I adopt a child someday I don't think I can do very much about it.
Besides that...not having kids and being the last of your line can be a good thing too (I don't want to look superficial or greedy like Uncle Scrooge, but...):
- As I won't have children, all my family herilooms will be mine one day...only mine *maniac laugh*
- I won't need to save money for my future generation, because there will be none, I can do whatever I wish with my piossessions.
- This will allow me to get older with some financial stability even if I can't find a job (what can be difficult due to my sitation as a trans and here in Brazil this is not very much accepted).
- Money won't bring you friends, but of course it can bring you good food, entertainment and plastic surgeries!
When I am on my last days I can make a big donation to some institution...to help chidren or transgender people, who knows.
Quote from: stephaniec on February 01, 2014, 03:57:15 PM
this is totally my own opinion, but who's life do you want , yours or your family's, I think if your having this much trouble your should be getting more active help from your therapist. I hope your therapy isn't the one way passive approach where you just go in an talk with no feed back or help.
My therapist is not very active to give me strong ideas...but she helps me giving me good advices of things that can be done. Next tuesday I have an appointment with her and I intend to be there with my mom/grandmother with me. I think my therapist can help to explain to them that my problems aren't a silly invention that I can forget and live on with it.
Natalia I feel you about the whole "damn computer things"
My parents to this day blame anything they can on the computers. See I spend and still spend a lot of time on the computer. :laugh: I am sure once I come out to them they will blame it, the ironic thing is I think being transgender is what got me to hide in my room and play video games all day.
Just do what you know in your heart.
Having repressed it as long as I did, it took a huge tole on myself. I let my body just kinda go. I am over weight, my teeth are bad.
I finally came out this year, and don't want to look back.
Now, I'm working on eating better, taking care of myself.
My mother says she will support me and that she loves me...but she thinks I am confused and that I am rushing things. After I told her again and again that I though about it a lot and that it was extremely hard for me to come out to her she then stated that this must be some kind of "black magic" that was cast upon our family...some kind of curse made from people that hates us and the demon wants to destroy our family (and she is not even a religious person).
She had a talk with my grandmother and grandfather this morning...she told me that they won't allow me to go on with it and that if I decide to go on they won't allow me to live here anymore. She said that my situation is very bad...they want me to change my mind and keep living this lie.
My grandfather feels betrayed by me. He is very angry and both he and my grandmother thinks that this is all my therapist's fault. They want to speak to her this next tuesday as they think that she is putting these ideas on my mind. I already told them that I looked for help because I was with these ideas on my mind and that no one has being influencing me...
Then it is fault of the "damn internet"...
If I had ways of living by my own and if I had friends...things would be different...but I need them...emotionaly and financialy...I don't have anybody...
Will they cast me out like garbage because I am different? I can't believe they are like this...I live with them since I was born...I love them! I am feeling betrayed. This is the first time in all my life that I need them and this is the way they treat me? I am not becoming someone different. It is not the color of my clothes or the shape of my that will make me different. Why it is so hard for them to see it?
Quote from: emilyking on February 01, 2014, 11:32:15 PM
Just do what you know in your heart.
Having repressed it as long as I did, it took a huge tole on myself. I let my body just kinda go. I am over weight, my teeth are bad.
I finally came out this year, and don't want to look back.
Now, I'm working on eating better, taking care of myself.
I know what I have to do...denying it will only bring me more despair and sadness. Now that I know I was living a lie and now that I've been on HRT and could feel so tuned with myself I don't think I can stop it and go back like nothing ever happened...
I am eating better and running/riding a bike every weekend. I am getting on my shape :) and besides that it is an amazing sensation that of riding a bycicle on a beautiful park, getting in contact with the nature and breath some fresh air...but even losing weight is something that my family is bothering me. They want me to go back and get overweight again...because I am getting too thin to their eyes.
Quote from: Aina on February 01, 2014, 10:38:25 PM
Natalia I feel you about the whole "damn computer things"
My parents to this day blame anything they can on the computers. See I spend and still spend a lot of time on the computer. :laugh: I am sure once I come out to them they will blame it, the ironic thing is I think being transgender is what got me to hide in my room and play video games all day.
Me too! I got two major addictions on games because I wanted to escape from my life. First I spent a lot of time living as Natalia on Second Life. It was a marvelous life, but it was only a dream and a demonstration of how my life would have been if I was a woman. On a way it helped me to go on with my researchs and to finaly find out I am transgender.
After it I spent a lot of time playing World of Warcraft. I have 5 level 90 toons...my main has more than 2 months of played time...
If it wasn't for this "damn computer" my life would be a lot worse.
Quote from: Natalia on February 01, 2014, 03:39:44 PM
Hmmm sorry about making this topic kind of a diary, but...
As I have posted before, my mother didn't get very well I telling her I am a transgender and, as she have no friends (just like me), she ended up telling my grandmother and grandfather (I live with them), because she had to talk about it with someone.
My grandmother reaction was like this:
- She told me that this was the biggest disappointment on all her life
- She intends to sell our house because she can't bare I transitioning on the same place we have been living for more than 15 years
- She said a lot of times that I need to think more about it
- She said "damn computers, If those things didn't exist you wouldn't be having those crazy ideas"
With my grandfather it was even worse...he was like a father for me and for a long time he liked to say that I am his biggest idol...
- He told me that I can do it, but he hopes that he will be dead before...
- He thinks that the "damn computer" spoiled my mind and made me go on with "crazy ideas"
- The rest of the time he stood silent and avoiding contact with me.
Both of them thinks that I need to see a doctor and find ways of become more manly. They think I started to have this idea when I started taking finasteride for my hair loss and that it made me want to become a woman. They think that I need to take testosterone to become a man again...
Also, they think that once I was not a feminine boy nor had visible girl tendencies as a child that I am not transgender.
Then my grandmother started to take it lightly...she told me that now I will be the responsible to wash the dishes and so on...
I really don't know what to think.
After it we had lunch and no one talked about it...only a few jokes about if I was going to wash the dishes or not and that I need to be cautious if I want to make a plastic surgery to get a more feminine nose or I will end looking like an ogre.
After the lunch I talked with my mom more about it and she even asked what my name will be, and this time she was serious!
I think things are getting better, besides the overall reactions being negative...but I doubt that any family would accept this kind of thing with their arms open.
And to be worse, I am the only and last descendant of my family...If I don't have kids, I will be last of my line. This bothers me a bit...and of course this bothers a lot the rest of my small family...
So much of this is familiar to me. My mom threatened to kick me out of the house or sell the house so she wouldn't see my transition. She too blamed society and my friends for turning me into "a transgender" and wanted me to go on Testosterone and conversion therapy to correct these thoughts. And yes, I was called disappointing, embarrassing, and a freak by her (among other terrible names). Being the only boy and that I was perfect in her eyes, it kills her that I'm not going to have the family that she wants. She'd rather me repress all of my feelings and live as a straight cisgender male even if it makes me unhappy. As you can see, she had many of the same concerns and was adamantly opposed to everything. In my case, things have improved to a degree, but it's still rough. What I'll say is that things did get a little better as I still live at home and was never physically kicked out. Though, it's been a hell of a lot more painful to live in the same house with my mother during this period as it is emotional for everyone involved. It was my choice to stay and work on my family issues because they are important to me and I don't have much money; nonetheless, I did pay the emotional toll for making this decision (even though I feelt it's the right one for me).
I don't know your family r if things will go the same way (everyone's life is different), but transitioning under someone else's roof can be hard and emotionally draining. Now things can get better if they are willing to learn and adapt; however, it really depends on whether or not they give that effort and how much they bend. If they can fully accept it and learn to accept it, that can be a great way to develop a support structure and save much needed money for your transition. If they don't make much of an effort, you could put yourself into a tense living environment which may not be the best thing during such an emotional period. And sometimes being too close to the transition makes it more difficult for their wounds to heal. This is something to consider if they are giving you a really hard time. There are pro's and cons to both sides. Just a warning from someone who has been there and still is.
In any case, everyone's family and life is different, so I'm really hoping everything goes towards the positive part of the spectrum for you. Good luck with the therapy session! :)
By the way, would you have the means to get your own place if it came to that? Is there someone you could rent or room with? If you couldn't pay for it, would anyone let you stay over on a temp basis? Would your grandparents ensure that you had another place before kicking you out? Sorry for the questions, but it's best to prepare. I had no plan on where to really go other than sleep at my sister's house (otherwise it was my car), so I was lucky it never came to that. In any case, it's wise to be as prepared possible. Good luck and sorry you are going through all this.
Quote from: learningtolive on February 02, 2014, 08:02:12 AM
So much of this is familiar to me. My mom threatened to kick me out of the house or sell the house so she wouldn't see my transition. She too blamed society and my friends for turning me into "a transgender" and wanted me to go on Testosterone and conversion therapy to correct these thoughts. And yes, I was called disappointing, embarrassing, and a freak by her (among other terrible names). Being the only boy and that I was perfect in her eyes, it kills her that I'm not going to have the family that she wants. She'd rather me repress all of my feelings and live as a straight cisgender male even if it makes me unhappy. As you can see, she had many of the same concerns and was adamantly opposed to everything. In my case, things have improved to a degree, but it's still rough. What I'll say is that things did get a little better as I still live at home and was never physically kicked out. Though, it's been a hell of a lot more painful to live in the same house with my mother during this period as it is emotional for everyone involved. It was my choice to stay and work on my family issues because they are important to me and I don't have much money; nonetheless, I did pay the emotional toll for making this decision (even though I feelt it's the right one for me).
I don't know your family r if things will go the same way (everyone's life is different), but transitioning under someone else's roof can be hard and emotionally draining. Now things can get better if they are willing to learn and adapt; however, it really depends on whether or not they give that effort and how much they bend. If they can fully accept it and learn to accept it, that can be a great way to develop a support structure and save much needed money for your transition. If they don't make much of an effort, you could put yourself into a tense living environment which may not be the best thing during such an emotional period. And sometimes being too close to the transition makes it more difficult for their wounds to heal. This is something to consider if they are giving you a really hard time. There are pro's and cons to both sides. Just a warning from someone who has been there and still is.
In any case, everyone's family and life is different, so I'm really hoping everything goes towards the positive part of the spectrum for you. Good luck with the therapy session! :)
I am really sorry to hear we share this same sad history.
Perhaps this reactions is somewhat related to differences from generation to generation. My mother was born on the 60s, she grew up like a hippie, then she got into the punk subculture...and she was much more comprehensive. My grandfather was born on the 30s and my grandmother on the 40s...both are so closed and so hard and unwilling to accept things that they are not familiar with...
I knew since the beginning that their reaction would be terrible...and I wasn't going to tell them so soon...but my mother spoiled everything and broke my trust. She told everything.
Today we were going to have lunch...but then my grandfather avoided staying close to me at all costs and refused eating...immediatley I started crying and had to leave the table...my grandmother went after me and wanted me to go back and finish eating, but I couldn't...
Quote from: learningtolive on February 02, 2014, 08:07:49 AM
By the way, would you have the means to get your own place if it came to that? Is there someone you could rent or room with? If you couldn't pay for it, would anyone let you stay over on a temp basis? Would your grandparents ensure that you had another place before kicking you out? Sorry for the questions, but it's best to prepare. I had no plan on where to really go other than sleep at my sister's house (otherwise it was my car), so I was lucky it never came to that. In any case, it's wise to be as prepared possible. Good luck and sorry you are going through all this.
I don't :( I am an only-child, as my mother. My family can be resumed on only me, my mother, grandmother and grandfather...my father died two years ago... Friends? I have none. I have colleagues from the college, but I can't count on them to talk about my problems. I think I just have you people from Susan's to talk to...for now...but who knows for how long will I have my computer and internet conection? They want to take it from me...
About being kicked out of my home, I don't believe they will do it, because they know I have nowhere to go. Also I think my mother wouldn't allow that...
I feel they want to "cut my wings", they want to take everything I have hoping that I will change my mind...but this will only make me worse.
I really hope going to the therapist can help...but I don't know. If they are unwilling to accept it there will be nothing that can change their minds...only time perhaps...
If you don't mind the question...have you finished transitioning? How could you deal with the changes from HRT living close to your family?
I am on HRT for about 4 months...I know transitioning will take time... Lucky me in my country I don't need to pay anything as the state provides the assistance and costs with SRS...but the waiting time for SRS is absurd and the results might not be the bests...
I plan to keep living in boy-mode until I reach the male fail phase...I don't know for how long I will be able to that...I will have to deal with boobs and with my body getting a feminine shape (I am already very different from how I was 4 months ago)...but I think I can hide it and keep living in male-mode until I can find a place to live or until my family accepts me. Is this something utopic? Could I sustain this lie?
Quote from: Natalia on February 02, 2014, 07:55:00 AM
I am eating better and running/riding a bike every weekend. I am getting on my shape :) and besides that it is an amazing sensation that of riding a bycicle on a beautiful park, getting in contact with the nature and breath some fresh air...but even losing weight is something that my family is bothering me. They want me to go back and get overweight again...because I am getting too thin to their eyes.
Me too! I got two major addictions on games because I wanted to escape from my life. First I spent a lot of time living as Natalia on Second Life. It was a marvelous life, but it was only a dream and a demonstration of how my life would have been if I was a woman. On a way it helped me to go on with my researchs and to finaly find out I am transgender.
After it I spent a lot of time playing World of Warcraft. I have 5 level 90 toons...my main has more than 2 months of played time...
If it wasn't for this "damn computer" my life would be a lot worse.
I also spent a lot of time on SL presenting as a female. 9 years to this date actually (I still play). It was SL also that lead me to Susans and finally asking myself the questions I should have been years ago. Also over the years I've played any number of online games and honestly I probably still will, yet I grow bored of just doing that. I want something more!
I haven't got the courage up yet to tell my parents, but ever since accepting myself - I also been exercising every-day. I have cut out sodas out my life. Still need work on "eating" better but eh.
So my suggestion to you is, show them that, show them how "happy" your becoming. That you want to get out more, that your eating better. If they can see you being happy I can't see how any parent wouldn't find you transitioning as a good thing.
Quote from: Aina on February 02, 2014, 09:13:25 AM
I also spent a lot of time on SL presenting as a female. 9 years to this date actually (I still play). It was SL also that lead me to Susans and finally asking myself the questions I should have been years ago. Also over the years I've played any number of online games and honestly I probably still will, yet I grow bored of just doing that. I want something more!
Second Life is a blessing, isn't it? I was used to play it from 6 pm until midnight everyday for about 3-4 years and it is from there that I have some of the best memories of my life. Every night after living there for a couple of hours I could feel a huge smile on my face. I felt so good. While I was online I was a woman in every way. I even got a boyfriend there (two to tell the truth ^^)
I might reactivate my avatar...the problem is that all the friends I got there disappeared/stopped playing...
(If you want to add me, my name there is Natalia Sciavo (I think there is no problem to post my SL name here, right?)
Quote from: Aina on February 02, 2014, 09:13:25 AM
I haven't got the courage up yet to tell my parents, but ever since accepting myself - I also been exercising every-day. I have cut out sodas out my life. Still need work on "eating" better but eh.
So my suggestion to you is, show them that, show them how "happy" your becoming. That you want to get out more, that your eating better. If they can see you being happy I can't see how any parent wouldn't find you transitioning as a good thing.
That's a great sugestion! Before my grandfather and grandmother knowing about my "transgender issue" I was pretty happy...they even stated several times that I was different and happier...but since this unwanted coming out I don't feel that happy anymore. It is hard even to fake a smile now.
I spent the rest of my day enclosed on my room behind my computer and thinking about my life...and I wasn't seeing how I could come out of this big mess, but that is a great solution! Thank you! ^^ If I can show them how happy I was getting and that I won't be happy if I keep living this way perhaps they can understand that transitioning is not just something I want...it is something I need. Next time I talk to them about this I will go by this path.
Natalia, people think being an only child is the best thing ever. They have no clue.
The amount of influence and control a family of an only child thinks they have can be overwhelming.
It may be time for you to start looking for a job, or further schooling away from where you live. Learn to spread your wings. Your family will relent control eventually, but it takes time, and every time you give them power over you to make you live the life they want you to live, you will give them reinforcement that they can keep doing that to you.
I am so sorry,
Tori
Quote from: Natalia on February 01, 2014, 05:00:11 PM
I only feel bad for my mother, that had a hidden desire to be a grandmother
Don't feel bad. I didn't when I flat out told my parents I had NO desire to have a child anytime soon and that's when she was really pushing me to have a kid when my sister was told that she couldn't have kids because of her hormones being screwed up. A few years later my sister ended up getting knocked up by a weirdo and now my mom's dream has been fulfilled and she couldn't be more dissatisfied with the end result. She's not a grandparent, she has ended up practically being the parent to this child nearly full time and is NOT physically able to do so. She now regrets ever pushing me and my sister to have a kid for her own sake of just wanting to be a grandmother.
Your mom saying that you not having a wife or kids or job is a crutch and that's what is stopping her from accepting it is 100% pure BS. That is my mom's crutch, that I am still a virgin and have never been with a woman. I've been on dates but it never amounted to even a kiss between us. Out of everything that has come and gone in the explanation department this is the one constant thing. "You never had sex with a woman so how can you really know how you feel? You were born male so you should be attracted to women". I can't for the life of me get her to understand the separation of gender vs sexuality, what it really boils down to is that this was the one thing I could never force myself to do to prove my masculinity to my family. I did everything under the sun that a man's man would do in attempt to lie to myself that I wasn't a woman but a man. It didn't work and it nearly killed me in the end.
My relationship with my family has been pretty much the same as yours. The day I came out to my parents we were all crying and hugging each other all while praises of we'll love and accept you no matter what you do were said. Two days later they were having NONE of this nonsense anymore and the shock had worn off and now their reputations were at stake if it were known that they have a transgender child. They have used just about every excuse under the sun to explain why I feel that I'm transgender. It ranges all the way from my therapist giving me these crazy idea's even though I went to her for help with my trans related issues because I had no idea what to do and was literally on my last leg as days before I almost didn't make it "My parents still don't believe that I was ready to end it all or just want to deny it to cover up the notion of the severity of this for me" all the way to the lunacy of this being some kind of generational curse brought upon my family by generations of everyone being completely messed up. Some of the things I learned about my relatives makes me being transgender seem like nothing. Then they blamed it on a gay great uncle from the 60's who died before I was even born but somehow me never knowing about this man influenced this. The internet is to blame as well. They have all said that I'll be an ugly woman who is 5'11 even though in all of my RLE encounters not one person has given me crap about my looks and even the office I get my HRT at were flabbergasted when I said that I wasn't full time yet. They didn't even know I was a new transgender patient, they thought I was there just for regular GP issues. Maybe they were saying that to make me feel good but nearly every person I run into says the same thing and gives me a bit of a hard time about not being full time when they'd kill to pass as well as I do in the looks department and the way I carry myself. My voice still sucks but it's a work in progress and there's always Yeson!
Then it went to woman bashing by my own mom ::) it's no fun being a woman, you aren't treated well, you get looked at as a sex object, you don't make as much money......ect. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth and told her I would not tolerate hearing her put HERSELF down like this just to make me rethink my stance on how I feel about myself. It's never been about enjoying the perks of being male or female, it's all about how I feel about myself and who I am in this world. My sister has vowed to do everything in her power to make me HATE transitioning, the reality of it is that she is afraid that i'll be a better woman than she can ever be. They all have tried everything they can with the exception of 1 thing and that was the one thing they asked me about 4 days after I started HRT. It was a simple question of if we disowned you would you still continue doing what you are doing right now. Without batting an eye or hesitating I stood up and walked to the front door opened it up, stepped outside and said if y'all want me to leave and never come back I will. I am not going to deprive myself of my true feelings so you can all not have to deal with my reality or allow you to force me back into the closet and be miserable for the rest of what would be my short life. If you can't get onboard my train then I can always switch over to a new set of tracks and continue on my way as I do have friends that support me in my transition. That's how I felt in December and even now. I will be fine without them, sure I will HURT bad from it but I have no other option in life right now. It is life or death for me in every way.
I could keep listing every scenario that has been laid before me to explain me being transgender except for the one and only real answer. This is how I've felt since I was a kid and nothing can change this as I have tried everything under the sun for 29 years of my life to get rid of those feelings but they would always come back. They are getting better and "accept" me now but it has been a very difficult road for me so far even though in reality I'm in the lucky group in that at least they still talk to me and still see me in public only as male. They let me come to their house as female but they aren't sure how things are going to go when the world knows the whole truth and I'm full time 100%. I've given them plenty of time to get their feelings in order and now I'm doing the pushing of my own because it's time for me to be true to myself. Do I think they still might go through their threat of disownment and want nothing to do with me, yes. But the optimist in me that always tries to find the good in people sticks it out because I do love them and want them in my life. It's up to them and what they are all finding is that they really do need ME in their lives regardless if I am female or not. Even my parents have admitted it but still have a very hard time saying it.
What this all boils down to is one thing and only one thing. What do YOU want in life? Ask yourself this question and really sort things out. This is where my therapist pushed me extremely hard and no it wasn't to answer what she thought but for me to come to my own answer of what I really wanted. It wasn't easy for me to answer it at first but in the end I made the only decision I could. A lot of late nights and crying were involved and for me it was either I live as true to myself as I can or stay miserable and die soon. What terrified me more than any transgender related outcome/reality/whatever scenario was that I didn't want to die all miserable and hating myself for how many years that would have been.
That something else we relate too, I wouldn't say my life up to this point has been unhappy, but lacking. I am sure once I come out they will ask me "but you were happy". Because I am I love my family, just there is something more in my life I want. Just keep your eye on the path you want you'll make it!
I'll add you I don't play nearly as much as I use to but, I still enjoy getting on from time to time.
In fact with school and work I don't do much gaming, even thought my parents feel like that is all I do hehe.
My SL name is Zakka Statosky. You would be surprise who still plays the game, I have friends who are as old as me on SL time wise. There are also a few trasngender groups you can join.
Honestly my geeky dream is to one day be a completely geeky gamer girl even when I am 60 hehe.
Quote from: Tori on February 02, 2014, 03:20:19 PM
Natalia, people think being an only child is the best thing ever. They have no clue.
The amount of influence and control a family of an only child thinks they have can be overwhelming.
It may be time for you to start looking for a job, or further schooling away from where you live. Learn to spread your wings. Your family will relent control eventually, but it takes time, and every time you give them power over you to make you live the life they want you to live, you will give them reinforcement that they can keep doing that to you.
Yes, it is very hard and lonely to be an only child. In my country things are probably worse than average, because here the bonds between father and sons are very strong and usually they go on until something very important happens, like a marriage. It is not common to sons to live away from their families and it is easy to see people with 20-30 years being treated like a 10 years old child.
I know now why it is so important to be independent from your parents, because once you choose a path that your family doesn't approve, you need financial independence to be able to go on with it. If you are dependant on your parents, they can order you around to do their wishes and live your life as they want you to be.
Quote from: Megumi on February 02, 2014, 04:37:47 PM
Then it went to woman bashing by my own mom ::) it's no fun being a woman, you aren't treated well, you get looked at as a sex object, you don't make as much money......ect. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of her mouth and told her I would not tolerate hearing her put HERSELF down like this just to make me rethink my stance on how I feel about myself. It's never been about enjoying the perks of being male or female, it's all about how I feel about myself and who I am in this world.
What this all boils down to is one thing and only one thing. What do YOU want in life? Ask yourself this question and really sort things out. This is where my therapist pushed me extremely hard and no it wasn't to answer what she thought but for me to come to my own answer of what I really wanted. It wasn't easy for me to answer it at first but in the end I made the only decision I could. A lot of late nights and crying were involved and for me it was either I live as true to myself as I can or stay miserable and die soon. What terrified me more than any transgender related outcome/reality/whatever scenario was that I didn't want to die all miserable and hating myself for how many years that would have been.
lol my mom says the same thing...that I shouldn't have reasons to want to be a woman, because women don't have their place in society and blablabla. I see things entirely the other way. I think women are the very core of the society and the world is spinning around women.
Each time more I know with certain about what I want. I know that I will only have the means to be happy being the woman I feel inside...and now I am paying the starting price for my decision. I hope I don't end killing my own grandfather of disappointment, because since I came out he looks like he got really older and sad :( I never wanted this to happen...and now it happened...I feel a very bad person because I feel like I am destroying all our relationship now that he is older (he just made 80years old). But...at the same time I don't feel myself as guilty for doing what I know it is the right for me and I am just deciding what to do with my life...if only he could see that...
Quote from: Natalia on February 02, 2014, 09:12:59 AM
I am really sorry to hear we share this same sad history.
Perhaps this reactions is somewhat related to differences from generation to generation. My mother was born on the 60s, she grew up like a hippie, then she got into the punk subculture...and she was much more comprehensive. My grandfather was born on the 30s and my grandmother on the 40s...both are so closed and so hard and unwilling to accept things that they are not familiar with...
I knew since the beginning that their reaction would be terrible...and I wasn't going to tell them so soon...but my mother spoiled everything and broke my trust. She told everything.
Today we were going to have lunch...but then my grandfather avoided staying close to me at all costs and refused eating...immediatley I started crying and had to leave the table...my grandmother went after me and wanted me to go back and finish eating, but I couldn't...
I don't :( I am an only-child, as my mother. My family can be resumed on only me, my mother, grandmother and grandfather...my father died two years ago... Friends? I have none. I have colleagues from the college, but I can't count on them to talk about my problems. I think I just have you people from Susan's to talk to...for now...but who knows for how long will I have my computer and internet conection? They want to take it from me...
About being kicked out of my home, I don't believe they will do it, because they know I have nowhere to go. Also I think my mother wouldn't allow that...
I feel they want to "cut my wings", they want to take everything I have hoping that I will change my mind...but this will only make me worse.
I really hope going to the therapist can help...but I don't know. If they are unwilling to accept it there will be nothing that can change their minds...only time perhaps...
If you don't mind the question...have you finished transitioning? How could you deal with the changes from HRT living close to your family?
I am on HRT for about 4 months...I know transitioning will take time... Lucky me in my country I don't need to pay anything as the state provides the assistance and costs with SRS...but the waiting time for SRS is absurd and the results might not be the bests...
I plan to keep living in boy-mode until I reach the male fail phase...I don't know for how long I will be able to that...I will have to deal with boobs and with my body getting a feminine shape (I am already very different from how I was 4 months ago)...but I think I can hide it and keep living in male-mode until I can find a place to live or until my family accepts me. Is this something utopic? Could I sustain this lie?
I am not finished transitioning, though I have made some big progress in a short period. The way I look today is very different from how I looked prior to hrt. Hell, I even look severely different from 4 months on hrt. It's hard to say how things will be for anyone, so I can't say where you will be. In my case, I was a pretty slow adapter to the changes of the hormones. It was until my latest dose change in October that I started to feel like I was making any real noticeable progress. However, I know some people around our age group that had major responses within 6 months. Now then, I've been living in male mode/ andro mode since I started hrt (june 2013), but it is getting very hard and I feel it's becoming painfully obvious I'm trans. I'm getting closer to getting to where I want to be, but I'm still giving it a little time before I make the complete change for financial reasons and because there is still room for growth. In my case, it's hard to attempt hiding the changes if you are responding to the hormones and actively changing other aspects of your appearance. For the most part, I live a normal life and no one says anything; however, I do get stares and smiles and hear people making comments. It's something that I've learned to deal with. At my last job, everyone knew that I was trans. I simply couldn't hide it no matter how hard I tried. Though it wasn't a big deal because they accepted me (god how I hope I will be able to go back there soon). People that know me have definitely commented on my changes. It's all part of the transition and unfortunately people will notice. For the most part people are way too polite to totally confront you on it. They may question you a little or make a comment that says "I know", but they usually wait for it to come from you, in my experience. So if you want to totally be in hiding prior to going full time, then be warned that it is going to be very hard. Transition is very much a process and people will likely pick up on things. So it's a bit utopic to hide it comptely until you are ready as you will continously be changing (not just hormonally, but hair style, hair removal, brow shaping, etc).
How has my family dealt? Not well. Almost every improvement or noticeable difference in my appearance has led to a fight or has visibily hurts/saddens my mother. When I started wearing a bra, when I got my eyebrows done, when I started laser, when my boobs were growing, when I started straightening my hair, when I started buying makeup and feminine products, etc. Of course, the hormonal responses are over a period of time, so there were simply fights without a rhyme or reason too other than a perceived difference. but each occasion was a reminder to my mother of the "death of her son". Plus, I come from an Italian family where emotions are expressed. There is no holding back in my house. It makes it difficult, but we move on the next day and try to improve. It's not easy to cope and it's been hell for all of us, but we are growing as a family and people. We'll make it through because we love each other despite the fact that we are a tad dysfunctional.
Now I can't say how it will be for your family. Everyone's life is different. But what I do want to address that the changes will be noticeable to our loved ones no matter what way the react. They will see. Maybe they won't catch everything or their reactions may be subtle and quiet, but they will notice the stark differences between the new you and the pre-transition you. It's likely to draw some emotional reaction one way or the other. They may handle things really well or maybe they won't. In any case, it will be emotional for everyone involved. It's part of the transition. When you live in the same house, those wounds are more open to exposure. That's not to say that it can't be done. Maybe your grandparents are just reacting badly at the moment and will learn to accept? Just remember that our families transition with us. Some do it better than others and some refuse to do it at all. I'm really hoping you get one of those families that accept everything in time. Just realize that it's likely a tough call to keep all the changes under wraps without having it detected or impact them in some way. If you are trying to hide it in order to stay in the house, then realize it's a bit like being on thin ice. It could happen, but it's really hard. Breast growth is especially hard to totally hide, at least it was in my case.
Good luck. I really want to see you pull through and I'll be following your transition. :)
Quote from: Megumi on February 02, 2014, 04:37:47 PM
Your mom saying that you not having a wife or kids or job is a crutch and that's what is stopping her from accepting it is 100% pure BS. That is my mom's crutch, that I am still a virgin and have never been with a woman. I've been on dates but it never amounted to even a kiss between us. Out of everything that has come and gone in the explanation department this is the one constant thing. "You never had sex with a woman so how can you really know how you feel? You were born male so you should be attracted to women". I can't for the life of me get her to understand the separation of gender vs sexuality, what it really boils down to is that this was the one thing I could never force myself to do to prove my masculinity to my family. I did everything under the sun that a man's man would do in attempt to lie to myself that I wasn't a woman but a man. It didn't work and it nearly killed me in the end.
Yeah, my mom also notes my virginity as a sign that I can't be certain of my sexuality or gender. "How can you know you like men and don't like girls if you never slept with either one"? Or "maybe you can learn to like girls if you just try hard"? "Maybe that will make these feelings go away"? As though we can't figure this out our orientation without sex and that sex is the magical gender cure, lol
You know, a few things that held me up (besides religion).
First I was the eldest of two half brothers, and one half sister.
Also I was one of two males, who could carry on the family name / genes.
Now that I know they can do wonders with genes, I don't have to worry if I ever want children.
In the end, it's your choice and your's alone.
I decided I needed to be happy, and made my decision and I have no plans to ever look back.
Best of luck!
Quote from: emilyking on February 03, 2014, 08:35:42 PM
In the end, it's your choice and your's alone.
I decided I needed to be happy, and made my decision and I have no plans to ever look back.
Best of luck!
This is the way I feel concerning my transition. I being older am not a virgin and I even have children who are grown now. Sex won't change who you are inside. For me I just went through the motions. I never enjoyed it much, and it never changed the fact I was a woman pretending to be a man. So whether your a virgin or not it doesn't matter, and having sex won't change who you are. ;)
I thank you all for the messages!
Just posting an update.
Today I went to my therapist with my grandfather and grandmother...
On the way there they weren't very talkative...things were a bit tense and we went there almost all the way mute or talking about the birds and the trees (elevator talk).
I talked with my therapist on the first 30 minutes. She told me that she will only tell my grandparents about what is transexualism and gender disphoria, that she will explain that I probably have this tendencies printed in my brain since I was born and that this happens with much more people than they imagine.
Ok, I was hoping this could clarify some things and help my grandparents to understand about what they are dealing with.
Then they entered and talked with my therapist for about 30 minutes. I don't know yet how the conversation went, but when my grandfather and grandmother went out they were totaly different, like they were before I came out... and they started treating me as if nothing ever happened.
I asked them what my therapist told them...and here I really don't know in what to believe.
My grandmother stated that the therapist told that she doesn't need to worry about because if I decide to transition into a woman it will take for me from 10-15 years (yes, only 10-15 years o0) and that I will start to get my body so deformed in the process that I will give up (sure, getting a female shape is getting deformed, right...). She also told my grandmother that my main concern now should be getting a job and getting out and making new friends because soon I will forget all this nonsense of wanting to become a woman.
Ok...now in what should I believe?
1. My therapist indeed invented all this bull->-bleeped-<- so my grandmother and grandfather could believe that nothing will change and that they don't need to worry about anything. (But I don't believe that my therapist would create this kind of nonsense...it doesn't seem right)
2. My grandmother invented this bull->-bleeped-<- because she thinks I will believe that my therapist (and the rest of the world) was lying to me and that the truth is that I will get deformed and that it will take from 10-15 years to get my feminine "deformed" body ready
3. It will really take for me from 10-15 years to transition into a deformed monster. (WTF)
I think that number 2 is much more plausible...but I can't believe that my grandmother really thinks I will believe in this nonsense...I mean, I am not retarded and I know how to read! I know transitioning take something around 2 years and that people get overall good results on hormones. If something still looks too masculine FFS is possible. No one turns into a deformed monster...
And I am wondering what will happen next...because I will not give up. I will stay on HRT and I will keep my transition going.
I may not become a beautiful woman, but I WILL become a woman. They won't stop me with lies...or at least they need better lies if they want to change my mind.
EDIT: I just talked with my mom about it and she thinks that the correct answer is number 3! Of course! Then I wanted to show her photos from the before and after section here but she sent me to my room because she was too tired of this subject... #feelinglikea10yochildsenttohisroomwiythouteatingdessert
just ask your therapist what was said. I'm assuming your over 21
Quote from: stephaniec on February 04, 2014, 05:28:54 PM
just ask your therapist what was said. I'm assuming your over 21
Yea I have to agree with Stephanie. Ask your therapist. If I had to pick from your assumptions, it would definately be number 2. Furthermore, if that's your photo in your avatar, you've nothing to worry about. You look quite femminine to me. I too had Italians on my adopted fathers side to deal with. One thing though I had going for me is I've always looked like a girl, so I got more made fun of than chastized. ;)
I don't believe a professional was tell your grandparents that. You also know from these forums that it does not take 10-15 years, and people do not become "deformed".
It may take them time to come around, a friend of mine said her mom wouldn't talk to her for a week when she came out. So you may seem them come around!
As someone stated before in this thread, it is your choice in the end.
Natalia,
Well I read your story and all I can say is that your Mom really needs to be educated on Trans issues. Its for real, Its painful and its not something we do for fun.
I am much older than you but with FFS plan to look OK..
You are still young, get the therapy and be happy with yourself.. your Mom won't be around when you are in your 50's wishing to hell you had done it when you were 26...at that point only you will be suffering and it doe catch up to many eventually.. I can attest to that.
What I have to give up to transition at an older age is almost unthinkable..and the hurt I am causing almost unbearable.
So, good luck I hope your Mom comes around.
Carrie
Most people have a negative image of transgender people. You know, the whole Jerry Springer thing which paints their perception of every other person that's trans. Look, there are no guarantees on how anyone will turn out, but usually the younger girls do just fine with their transitions as the hormones usually are more effective at younger ages. And of course, even those who are older have successful transitions and lead normal lives and pass just fine after the fact. Even those who don't pass in the traditional sense, no matter the age, seem to be happy with their transition and that they took the step forward. They certainly don't feel they've become a monster and they are usually happy with the results in respect to appearance. There are bumps in the road, for some more than others, but the idea that it will be 15 year process which will result in deformity is laughable. As long as you have reasonable expectations and you actively work on your transition, you shouldn't need to have a 15 year transition or come out looking like a monster. Yes, it's not easy to transition, some of us aren't going to be as beautiful as other girls, there are limitations, and some will pass better than others, but that doesn't make anyone a deformed person. No matter how you turn out, you will not be a monster if this is indeed the right path for you.
It seems your grandparents are purposely painting the worst picture they can in order to make you stop. I'm sorry they are doing this. Just keep in mind where it is coming from and know that many people have been told the same thing only to prove their families wrong. I truly hope your therapist didn't actually say these things to them and it was just the second option that you layed out. Make sure to have a talk to your therapist about this because you need someone that you can trust during this process that can help you through it.
Quote from: Allyda on February 04, 2014, 06:30:42 PM
Yea I have to agree with Stephanie. Ask your therapist. If I had to pick from your assumptions, it would definately be number 2. Furthermore, if that's your photo in your avatar, you've nothing to worry about. You look quite femminine to me. I too had Italians on my adopted fathers side to deal with. One thing though I had going for me is I've always looked like a girl, so I got more made fun of than chastized. ;)
Yes, I will ask her ther next time, that will be on two weeks from now...but to tell the truth I am not feeling in a hurry, this can wait.
And thank you for the compliment ^^ Yes, it is me in my avatar pic, but the hair is not exactly mine. I was trying a wig :) I think it can make wonders, hu?
Quote from: Aina on February 04, 2014, 07:27:21 PM
I don't believe a professional was tell your grandparents that. You also know from these forums that it does not take 10-15 years, and people do not become "deformed".
It may take them time to come around, a friend of mine said her mom wouldn't talk to her for a week when she came out. So you may seem them come around!
As someone stated before in this thread, it is your choice in the end.
To tell the truth I am now quite certain that my therapist didn't say this nonsense. Today I told my grandmother that I didn't believe in a word of what she said and that I highly doubt that my therapist said all that because that is not the reality. Then she made a strange face and started ignoring me again. I think the truth came to the surface!
You now, all this denial from my family after my coming out made me grow in a way I didn't expect. I know what I have to do and I'll follow my path no matter what discouragement my family throws on me. I'll prove them wrong.
Quote from: carrie359 on February 04, 2014, 07:48:34 PM
Natalia,
Well I read your story and all I can say is that your Mom really needs to be educated on Trans issues. Its for real, Its painful and its not something we do for fun.
I am much older than you but with FFS plan to look OK..
You are still young, get the therapy and be happy with yourself.. your Mom won't be around when you are in your 50's wishing to hell you had done it when you were 26...at that point only you will be suffering and it doe catch up to many eventually.. I can attest to that.
What I have to give up to transition at an older age is almost unthinkable..and the hurt I am causing almost unbearable.
So, good luck I hope your Mom comes around.
Carrie
Thank you. I know things may get harder with time, but it is never too late to be yourself. I want to transition and my age won't stop me... I feel lucky because I have this opportunity now that I am still on my 20s, but even if I was on my 50s, 60s or 70s I would go after it.
My family indeed seems to lack knowledge about transexualism and while my mother is open to learn (sometimes), my grandparents aren't. But...well, I tried...if they think it is easier to throw away their grandson instead of accepting their granddaughter, it is their choice. My choice is to follow my path.
Quote from: learningtolive on February 04, 2014, 07:59:10 PM
Most people have a negative image of transgender people. You know, the whole Jerry Springer thing which paints their perception of every other person that's trans. Look, there are no guarantees on how anyone will turn out, but usually the younger girls do just fine with their transitions as the hormones usually are more effective at younger ages. And of course, even those who are older have successful transitions and lead normal lives and pass just fine after the fact. Even those who don't pass in the traditional sense, no matter the age, seem to be happy with their transition and that they took the step forward. They certainly don't feel they've become a monster and they are usually happy with the results in respect to appearance. There are bumps in the road, for some more than others, but the idea that it will be 15 year process which will result in deformity is laughable. As long as you have reasonable expectations and you actively work on your transition, you shouldn't need to have a 15 year transition or come out looking like a monster. Yes, it's not easy to transition, some of us aren't going to be as beautiful as other girls, there are limitations, and some will pass better than others, but that doesn't make anyone a deformed person. No matter how you turn out, you will not be a monster if this is indeed the right path for you.
It seems your grandparents are purposely painting the worst picture they can in order to make you stop. I'm sorry they are doing this. Just keep in mind where it is coming from and know that many people have been told the same thing only to prove their families wrong. I truly hope your therapist didn't actually say these things to them and it was just the second option that you layed out. Make sure to have a talk to your therapist about this because you need someone that you can trust during this process that can help you through it.
Of course I want to pass 100% as a female (who doesn't?)... but even if I can't, I think I can live with it. What is most important to me is to be myself. I know I willl feel better...I am already feeling better on a way I can't describe. I feel so tuned with myself...I hope it is not placebo effect, but HRT made me feel truly happiness for the first time in my life.
I know transitioning is a very hard and demanding process. For some, things can be easier; while to others it may require more effort. My voice will require a lot of training (although I have naturally a higher pitch than most males) and my nose and forehead is a major concern to me (I am quite sure I need to do something about it or I'll have trouble to pass)...but one thing I am 200% of certain is that no one gets "deformed" and that no one needs 10-15 years...lol this is so ridiculous...but at the same time this may be the real picture my grandmother has of transgenders...and this is sad.
But while that...my mother is starting to understand me (sometimes she is still blunt about it, but she is slowly getting there). Today she told me that I am showing a courage that she never thought I had and that she is envious of me. She also told me that she knows how much I need her support and that she will always be with me. She still thinks that I am ridiculous for wanting this to myself, but overall I think she is starting to accept me. :)
Quote from: Natalia on January 19, 2014, 04:37:26 PM
Hello girls,
I am sorry about my wall of text, but I feel I need to write this because I feel I am freaking out with my feelings...I really don't have anybody to give me advices, just my therapist, but I will see her only at the end of the week...
Well, about one week ago I finally came out to my mom.
Her reaction has been different and her opinions about it changes everyday...but it seems that not for the better.
She keeps saying to me that my life is already very difficult and that it will get a lot worse if I change into a woman. I am aware that I will have to face not being accepted and having trouble in any job I get, or getting weird looks...but she really thinks that my life will be a hell if I transition.
I am finishing the university, I don't have a wife, kids or any job right now...I told her that a lot of people are in way more difficult positions than mine, but I don't think she will change her mind.
She says that this is the only thing that keeps her from accepting my transition...
She doesn't know that I am taking hormones for about 4 months now...so she thinks that this is just some crazy idea I have and that I should forget about it and stay the way I am.
I don't feel I can. I mean, I actually can, but if I choose to do so my life will keep being the same horrible fake thing. Now that I could feel just a bit about how it is to be a woman, I don't want to go back. I don't want to stop HRT and get everything back to "male mode"...
Before realizing about my disphoria and before starting HRT perhaps I could live that way...but I don't think I can now... and I think this feeling will only get worse with time...
Also she keeps telling me that I'd be an ugly manly woman...I really don't mind not being a pretty beautiful hot woman, but I want to be passable...I know my nose is too big and that my hairline was receding...but now new hair is growing and I can see my face getting a different shape...I still I can't see myself as a woman...and I don't know if someday I will.
This is something that discourages me. Looking for my future and wondering if I will be passable someday...
I want to be a woman, because I feel I am a woman inside...I know transition will make me feel great with myself, but a big part of being a woman is also being accepted as a woman...
And if I can't be passable? And if I can't find a job because of that? Can my life get worse than it is right now?
I feel I don't have where to run. I don't want to live as a male, and I don't know if I will be passable as a female.
But perhaps this is my mom filling my head with ideas to make me give up...how real are this ideas? What can I do?
Sorry to come here and vomit this wall of text, but I felt I needed to write it, even if antbody reads.
Ask yourself "Why are you transitioning?" and answer it honestly.
Pretend for a moment that you would never pass. That you would never be accepted by society as a woman. Would you still want to do it?
If you answer "no" to that question then maybe transitioning isn't for you and you should look into other forms of release from your gender identity issues.
I have a pen pal who drags and that's enough for him to deal with his identity issues.
If you answer "yes" to that question, then you need to set aside other people's wants and focus on what you need to do. At the end of it all, it is you that has to look in the mirror everyday; not your mother, not your father, not your friends, and not your lovers.
-AM
Quote from: Androgynous_Machine on February 05, 2014, 12:50:10 PM
Ask yourself "Why are you transitioning?" and answer it honestly.
Pretend for a moment that you would never pass. That you would never be accepted by society as a woman. Would you still want to do it?
If you answer "no" to that question then maybe transitioning isn't for you and you should look into other forms of release from your gender identity issues.
I have a pen pal who drags and that's enough for him to deal with his identity issues.
If you answer "yes" to that question, then you need to set aside other people's wants and focus on what you need to do. At the end of it all, it is you that has to look in the mirror everyday; not your mother, not your father, not your friends, and not your lovers.
-AM
I considered all the negative outcomes and I concluded that what really matters is how you feel inside. I never had a place in society as I am right now (an extremely shy boy that never talked with no one and was always hiding from people), so even if I still can't find my place and be accepted... I think I can live with it... But I don't feel I can keep living the way I am living right now. I feel like I am living a lie and everyday is a big sucession of repressed feelings one after another. I can't feel good with myself...I don't like what I see on the mirror, I don't like having to wear the clothes I wear, I don't like trying to be a man.
So, yes, I answer a big YES.
I learned that being accepted is also a choice, but not mine own. I accepted myself as a woman, this was my part. The rest is up to my family/friends/whatever
Quote from: Natalia on February 04, 2014, 05:09:16 PM
...
3. It will really take for me from 10-15 years to transition into a deformed monster. (WTF)
I think that number 2 is much more plausible...but I can't believe that my grandmother really thinks I will believe in this nonsense...I mean, I am not retarded and I know how to read! I know transitioning take something around 2 years and that people get overall good results on hormones. If something still looks too masculine FFS is possible. No one turns into a deformed monster...
And I am wondering what will happen next...because I will not give up. I will stay on HRT and I will keep my transition going.
I may not become a beautiful woman, but I WILL become a woman. They won't stop me with lies...or at least they need better lies if they want to change my mind.
EDIT: I just talked with my mom about it and she thinks that the correct answer is number 3! Of course! Then I wanted to show her photos from the before and after section here but she sent me to my room because she was too tired of this subject... #feelinglikea10yochildsenttohisroomwiythouteatingdessert
So I've been reading this thread with confusion and wonderment. It's so incredibly hard to relate to many of the issues that have been raised because each one of us is a unique woman in our own right. And I really can't believe some of the things your therapist may have said (or more likely did not say). But this last item in your list is the one thing that I found so incredibly laughable. Really, I was laughing. I suspect you won't get a full story from anyone in your family, and they most likely just don't want you to transition. But it's your life, your future, and your womanhood.
You're a woman now, and you have pretty eyes. Wish we could see the rest of your face, but even without seeing the whole you I really think you're probably going to be quite a nice looking young lady. Mostly because you're young, and also because HRT does so much to make even old ladies like me turn into a presentable girl. :) And as for the supposed 10 to 15 years to transition into a monster ... BULL. I know girls who are having SRS after 16 months, and because I've had a lot of family issues to deal with I'll be going to surgery after 30 months (mostly because I wasn't ready to ask about it till November). Some of these young ladies had what I considered questionable starts, and you know what, today they are knock out beauties. So don't listen to the detracting opinions, and maybe not even my opinion if it rubs you the wrong way.
None of us wanted to be born transgendered and yet we were. I for one am glad you've accepted your life, and that you can look into the future and see who you will be. When I was young very few girls had the chance to make the kind of decisions you're making today. And so a lot of us waited far to many years for some interfering parts of our lives to pass. And yet we're here with you now, and damn it I'm incredibly proud of the girls I'm with. We face a lot of hardship, deal with lies, bigotry, and hate. But we go on, and we become the women we are with a certain amount of pride for having surmounted the difficulties, and managed the awful distractions.
I'll stand up and say it. You are here on Susan's because you want your life as a woman to exist in the eyes of people you can trust. And you want validation of the truthful fact that your are a woman. It's why I joined, and I'm sure some of the other girls would say the same. So be proud of who you are, and take control of your life so you can bring it into the future.
Hugs.
Hello ^^
Just updating this thread.
Today I talked with my therapist and indeed she hasn't told all the nonsense my grandmother told me. She just told my grandparents that this is a long and slow process and that some surgeries may be needed, as facial surgeries and the sexual reassignment surgery. My grandparents distorted her words to make the MtF transition looks like a 10-15 years process that will result in deformities. Laughable!
On the past weeks my grandparents stopped talking with me after a major discussion, where I was called someone unworthy and a parasite. I was also judged for having destroyed all my family with my ideas of becoming a drag queen o0. Again, laughable, unfair and revolting!
But you know what? I cried a lot one day, but on the day after and on all the days that came after I realized that sometimes bad things can bring good things. I felt a new person and all those difficulties being imposed to me were there only for me to break them and grow stronger. I am not getting affected by them anymore. I know what I want and I won't let them stop me! I am a grown woman ;)
Also, my mother finally understood me. She has been very supportive and yesterday she was cleaning her wardrobe from old stuff and then she gave me two pretty and very feminine belts! She told me "for you to wear in the future" :D
The only problem is that she thinks it will be hard for her to accept me when I am presenting as a girl. She thinks I will be a delicate cute girl that loves to wear things with pretty girly laces (she might be right ^^) and she says she hates this kind of girl lol
well a little better
I'm happy to hear Natalia that your Mom is coming around. We girls need our mothers. I've had a rough go with family all my life -and I'm an adoptee. Go figure. My Mom sends me packages once per month and we communicate with letters. The rest of my family is deceased so no worries there. Anyway, best of luck to you. Oh and, I'm one of those delecate thin girls that likes to wear girly things too, lol! ;)
Chin up girl :) If that avatar photo is you I wouldn't be worried about not passing.
There are so many great posts already, not sure how much I can add to it.
I've said it before and will probably say it again, but...
This is your life. This is the only life you can know.
If there is a judgment after we die, no one else will be there to answer for what you have done. Not our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, neighbors, or George Clooney will be asked why we did what we did.
Choose happiness! We are not responsible for the happiness of other adult peoples. I hate seeing anyone or anything in pain, so if I've hurt anyone it kills me. I've had to learn that others happiness is not something I can give or take away, or I would have gone insane years ago.
I also believe that I could force myself to be a man, for a little while anyway. Having opened something, whether it's Pandora's Box or the Genie's Lamp, I know that I will never be satisfied going back to what I was. I want a normal life, to share a life with someone and grow old with them. Will I pass enough to be a woman in that person's eyes, I don't know. I've got to hope that I will, because anything else will be living a lie. In the end that is what it came down to for me. Feeling like I am a woman is not a choice for me, it will never go away. For me the choice is living a lie, to myself, to the ones that I love and the world, or being me. I choose to me be and take the path less traveled.
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is probably not the sport for you." I am jumping anyway, knowing I have no parachute or safety net. Hope that I find a wonderful life when I land, and not just go splat.
Michelle
In regards to your family. Realize that for the loved ones of a transgender individual, it is often like going through the stages of grief for them when they hear about you transitioning. While you may be the same person on the inside where it counts, they still see it as a loss of the person they envisioned you to be. This means they will go through denial and isolation, then anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. Sometimes the lines blur between those stages and sometimes they never get past anger and bargaining to reach acceptance.
They will say things that are scathingly hurtful, but only because they are so desperate to hold on to the you they believed they knew. You can try to be patient with them if you wish as they go through these stages. But if the environment at home becomes toxic and hostile then I would recommend some distance while they work things out.
I wish you the best. It's a struggle but worth every hardship. *hugs*
Just updating this depressive topic again with more depressive lines...
I am sorry if I sound too depressive, but I am using this topic to help me relieving my escape valve. I know I can only count and be understood by all my sisters and brothers on this forum because you all know how hard its to be who we are and how hard is to be accepted, even by our dear families.
On the last weeks my grandparents started talking to me again, after a month of ignoring me completely.
On the first day they asked me again about my "crazy idea", but they didn't give me a breach to talk.
My grandmother was all ignorance. She kept saying that I don't look like a girl, that I have the nose of a man, that I have the hands of a man and that I have a big adam's apple.
With only these words my disphoria was already reaching 1000%. I know some things are not true, because my hands are fairly small for a man, but it is awfull to hear that when all you need to hear is the opposite!
Then she kept questioning that I never behaved like a girl and that "this kind of people" are born with female features, like with a female face and voice. There is no way I can be a woman, because I don't look like one.
I told her that no MtF is born looking like a woman. This is the reason why we use hormones to feminize our face and body.
She told me: But you have a beard!
I told her: I can get rid of it with one year of laser treatment.
Then she replies: It will burn all your face! You will see! (In my mind I could see her with two demonic horns and yelling at me "you will burn!")
But then she says with a sarcastic smile: ok, fine, be a woman! Do you already have a name? Tomorrow you will be the one here that will clean the dishes! It's better for you to start training right now!
I decided to let things that way and not question her because I didn't want one more month like the previous one.
I just can't believe my own grandmother, a woman, thinks of women like that. Can a woman be that sexist? That's my grandmother!
I told them to not worry much because I am more concerned with other subjects, like getting a job and finishing my graduation. It is not exactly a lie, because I am really committed with those matters, but I can't stop thinking about my transition...like I am thinking about it at every minute. I am really trying hard to look more feminine to behave more feminine, so this is a subject that I can't forget. It is who I am.
*breath
Today my mother talked a bit with my grandparents about my transition and their reactions were not very good. My grandfather showed again total intolerance and said that he won't allow me to live here anymore if I am really considering this idea. (I really don't believe it). They also said that I am very problematic and that I am a problem myself. They think that those "crazy ideas" are with me because of taking finasteride for my hair loss (sure, everyone that takes finasteride gets transformed into a woman) and they also thinks that I am not behaving like a "good boy" because sometimes I argue with them when I want to make a point of why I am what I am.
They think I will change my mind. Sure, after 5 months and a half on HRT, having a small taste of the the world how it should have been, I want to revert back and live as a sterile man with boobs.
I don't have means to live by my own and keep going with my transition. I don't want to be a sad man barely having money to buy food living away from my family.
I'd rather die than to live as a man and to be back and look how I was before. If they decide to support and accept me, thank you! If they don't, if they plan to kick me out of home, if they plan to "cut my wings", then that will be what will happen. If they want me to die, I'll die. Being alive doesn't matter anymore to me. Or I'll live as a woman and be accepted for the only people I care, or I'd rather die right now and end this misery.
It is their choice now.
Again, I am sorry for the wall of text. I just needed to write this...after all, writing can help me a bit, even if nobody reads.
I won't give up my transition. I know that I need to find a job and get out of here if I want to be independent...but I am a totally silly and naive girl and I am always expecting the good outcomes... I still have hope that I can be accepted, even if it looks like a very distant possibility...
It's sad , but your grand parents will never except you. I think you need to except that reality .
Yeah, even if they "accepted" they really can't understand it. People of their generation, "didn't do that", not because there weren't trans people, but because the understanding and technology wasn't there. Trans people became celibate monks/nuns, "funny uncles", or killed themselves.
As for the family line.... suggest that maybe you should go on a tour of bars and nightclubs around the world with the goal of impregnating as many women as possible. Maybe that will "check that box" for them (or at least shut them up). >:-)
Do what make you truly happy at the end... I thought about not transitioning because of what family might say but then i realized that if I don't try this transition while im still young I may forever regret it.... and who has time for regrets?? I know you may value your mother's opinion and that you may love her but I believe your internal peace and happiness is greater
Ok, so everything changed a bit now...for the better! :D Who knows I can close this thread with a good "everything is all right"?
I was really sad and depressed after my last post...I was feeling so lost and I couldn't stand like that anymore.
Here we have a saying (I can't translate very well) that is something like "or it will fix, or it will break". It is exactly what I have decided to do. Or I will fix my situation or I will break it once for all. I couldn't stand on the middle anymore. And I decided to do it by "throwing a cold water bucket" on my parents.
I called everyone for a conversation and I told the subject: my "crazy idea" of transitioning into a woman.
My grandmother started saying that again I am a man and that my idea would go away with time. Then she started with the same arguments: "but your voice is a male voice"
I replied a big and sound "you are very mistaken. It sounds quite feminine sometimes and it has always been this way. I can learn to make it sounds even more female."
She asked me: Who told you that?
I said with a very female voice: My phonoaudiologist. I have been secretly seeing one on the last month.
Then I think she was a bit of in shock that I was really going forward and that my transition was not some "crazy idea", but a reality in motion.
I tried to elucidate things the best I could. I was not trying to explain the causes or why I want to be a woman, but I tried to explain what will be of my future, that my future can be a bright one if they can help me to build it.
I explained carefully that I am can look female with some effort and FFS. I showed her a pic of me with a virtual wig and make-up (the same of my profile here) and then she got stunned: "Is this you? No, it can't be..."
But she realized that it was my face, just with a different presentation. Here she met Natalia.
I could see that from this moment on she got more open and started accepting more that I can have a future as a woman.
I told her that, if I can look like my photo, I may be able to pass and, perhaps, live in stealth. This way I won't be in risk of being victim of a random homophobic or transphobic in the streets (one of my family greatest fears).
She agreed. My grandfather was only listening and he wanted to see my photo too, but he stood mute all the way.
Then I told that I already started my facial hair removal (IPL) and that it is a quite simple and cheap method, and that with some luck I can be rid of my facial hair until the end of the year.
I kept telling them that I am already presenting changes as I am on hormones for more than 5 months. I was wearing a very thigh t-shirt and my developing breasts were clearly visible. I pointed at them and I said: I am already having very visible changes and from these ones (I grabbed my breasts) there is no return, even if I wanted to stop everything.
To end with all, I asked them to not treat me badly again, because they are the only family I have and I need their support.
My grandmother said that it will be difficult for her because she knew me her entire life as a boy and that she have never suspected of anything...but she didn't try to discourage me anymore. She even told me that my eyebrows won't need much work and finished saying "so you are a woman"
I could listen on her voice that she was being a lot more open and sincere.
At the end of this conversation we stood together having a very nice talk about other unrelated things. I said good night and all returned to normality. My grandfather, besides being mute almost the entire time, was also being receptive and didn't treat me bad.
So, I think that my hopes were right! I am now feeling A LOT better and I am just not feeling even better because I am afraid that tomorrow things might change again... I'm just not believing that everything went so fine this time...I hope I am not dreaming!
I want to thank every one of you that helped me with advices and incredible messages that helped to cheer me up every time I needed. This support was essential for me to be where I am now. I it wasn't for you all I don't know where I would be. A huuuuuge hug for all of you! Thank you! ^^
PS.: I hope this is my last message in this topic and that from now on I have a place to run!
I'm glad things are looking up. :)
good luck
At this very moment your grandmother is scheming up a passive-aggressive campaign to "turn you back into a man". :embarrassed:
But kudos for winning rounds 2 & 3.
Natalia I'm so happy for you that things with your family are beginning to come around. You are very lucky. For me, Having family support through transition is something that will only happen on a limited basis, and unfortunately only with my adopted Mother for she's all I have left. And we only communicate via letters -no phone calls, etc. so you can see why I'm so happy for you and your family that they'll be with you for the wonderful journey you have begun.
I wish you all the best.
As for me, I'm shooting for the hot 50 year old who doesn't look her age, lol! ;)
Ally
As I wrote on another topic...my mother died yesterday morning...
I have found her sleeping confortably in her bed, covered with blankets. I thought she was sleeping and I decided not to bother her as it was kind of early...two hours later I decided to wake her...I came closer to touch her and say "mom, it's past time to wake up"...but she was cold! I put my hand close to her nose and I couldn't feel any breathing...I turned on the light and she was totally pale and a bit blue...she was dead... I got totally is despair. I tried to hold her hand but her body was rigid...
I yelled the louder I could and I called my grandparents...they got tottaly despaired...my grandpaftehr kept saying "my little daughter" and he kept trembling and crying .....my grandmotehr was inshock and I couldn't believe...I kept repeating to myself "this is not true".
She was with a calm expression, eyes closed...no sign of any pain. She was on a very confortable position...she must have passed away while sleeping and she didn't feel any pain...she just went to seleep and did not wake anymore...
The medical avaliation stated that she had a heart stroke, probably bbecause of a severe respiratory depression.
She took a lot of pills...controlled pills...but she didn't want to die...I am sure it wasn't her intention...but she was having a long history of almost dying situations on the last months...since I came out to her as a trans...
She was suffering a lot...I know that it is not my fault...she was always this way...she always had problems with pills and alcohol...and she almost died last years a few times...before I coming out.
But I keep telling me that my coming out was what made she gets worse...
I know that I made all that I could, my entire life, to take care of her. I was always at her side, I always helped her and gave advices. I took her everywhere, I was alwyas making her meals and help cleaning ther bedroom...I was extremely close to her.... We were used to go out together, have lunch together, eat pizza together, watch movies together...and we loved to spend hours talking every day. I loved to lay down close to her and she was alwasy my dear mother that kept caressing my head even if I was not a child anymore...I'm going to miss her so much...I can't even think about it :'(
I am just holding here because I took a lot of sedatives...yesterday I cried the entire day...now I am just feeling "on the clouds"...I can't accept it...and I can't think. If I start to think I will fall in despair again.
And I keep feeling guilty, I keep thinking that my revelation as a trans was too much for her. She always had problems...my new problem was too much for her.
She understood me and she was close to accepting me as a girl. She gave me some clothes, she started treating me like her daughter sometimes...using feminine pronouns...but now she is dead! :'(
Now I only have my grandmother with 75 years old and my grandfather with 80 years old....
I am realistic...they won't live much longer... :'(
And then I will be completely alone.
My grandmother told me that she was already accepting my transition, but that I will be totally alone if I go on with it...and now I am quite sure that I will really be alone...and as a trans it will be so hard to find anyone...
I was eager to go on, but now that my mother died and without a father or any other familiar...I don't know what to do...I don't want to be a lone...totally alone...
I don't want to go back and stop HRT, but my mother dying was too much for me...I don't know what to do anymore...I just want to bury myself and wake up in 10 years from now...
And I know that if I stop HRT right now I will have problems. After 6 months of HRT I must be irrevesibly sterile, right? I don't have any ejaculate at all. I have boobs...I can't go back. I don't want to go back...
Will I be able to don't be alone as a trans? Did I kill my mother? Should I kill myself and end this all? I am lost...
first of all, It would be great to talk to a therapist as soon as you can. I know you said you have one. You had absolutely nothing to do with her death. You've said she had her own problems for a long time. I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mother when I was 8. I lost my dad 20 years ago. You move on the best you can . I'm sure your grand parents will be there for you and will need you as much as you need them.
Quote from: Natalia on March 16, 2014, 08:19:43 PM
Will I be able to be alone as a trans? Did I kill my mother? Should I kill myself and end this all?
Yes.
No...and you shouldn't think to yourself that you did.
Absolutely not. No way.
When I read your post about this yesterday, I was in tears. I haven't had to go through this yet, but it made me think about it. I've thought it about it a few times. There was one time when my mom was in a car wreck a few years ago and when my aunt called me and told me about it, that was my first thought: 'she's dead'. That thought absolutely terrified me.
But reading that yesterday, it really tore me up. It's such a sad thing to think about and to endure. I've had to deal with the deaths of my grandparents (on both sides), one cousin, an uncle and a friend. But, the idea of losing my mom terrifies me. I honestly don't know what is going to happen when it gets to that point. I can't even imagine being in your situation and finding out the way that you did. I felt so sad for you. I really did.
I really don't know what else to say.
:icon_hug: :icon_hug:
Natalia, I feel your pain & so hope things work out with all your family. In the long run life will be better with as much family as possible. I wish I had fought harder to make peace with some family rather than just going my own way.
Natalia I'm so sorry to hear of your mother's passing. :'( Yes, you can go on alone being trans (though you'll never truly be alone with all of your sisters here at Susan's), no, your coming out didn't make your mother's condition worse, and adamantly NO!, you shouldn't even think about that last one! If I were you I'd take Stephanie's advice and meet with your therapist as soon as you can. If your on good terms with the rest of your family maybe they can help too. In any case I wish you the best in getting through this tough time. Take care. ;)
Ally
Thank you for all your kind words...
I am feeling better now...I am holding up with sedatives, but I am calmer.
When things like this one happens they can change you completely in a way you can't describe.
There is nothing worse than regret.
I don't regret anything about my moyther. I was, for sure, the best son I could be. But life is so fragile...you are alive now, but and tomorrow?
I had written in other topic about a girl that I was in love. I regret not saying to her that I loved her. But today I sent her a message. I said it all. Everything. I might lose her friendship, or I might win a girlfriend. At least I will have no regrets about it.
I am a trans, I am sure. I don't regret it. I don't want to stop and go back and try to be a boy again...but she doesn't knnow about it.
And if my dear passion of my life says yes for my proposal? She will not accept me as a trans...
And I think I'd rather live with her as the way I was than be alone as a woman. I'm not sure about this, I know I won't be happy with my body and my gender...but is it worth it? Stop everything because of love?
And can I stop?
I am on HRT for almost 6 months. I don't have any ejaculate...I must be permanently sterile....
And I have boobs. I don't want to take them out...I am loving them...If I take them out I'll never be able to have boobs aggain!
I don't know what to do...
Wow. Sorry for your loss.
Natalia, very sorry for the loss of your Mother.
Big hugs,
Kim
Big hugs, I'm so sorry to hear about your mother passing.
Quote from: Natalia on March 17, 2014, 06:30:02 PM
Thank you for all your kind words...
I am feeling better now...I am holding up with sedatives, but I am calmer.
When things like this one happens they can change you completely in a way you can't describe.
There is nothing worse than regret.
I don't regret anything about my moyther. I was, for sure, the best son I could be. But life is so fragile...you are alive now, but and tomorrow?
I had written in other topic about a girl that I was in love. I regret not saying to her that I loved her. But today I sent her a message. I said it all. Everything. I might lose her friendship, or I might win a girlfriend. At least I will have no regrets about it.
I am a trans, I am sure. I don't regret it. I don't want to stop and go back and try to be a boy again...but she doesn't knnow about it.
And if my dear passion of my life says yes for my proposal? She will not accept me as a trans...
And I think I'd rather live with her as the way I was than be alone as a woman. I'm not sure about this, I know I won't be happy with my body and my gender...but is it worth it? Stop everything because of love?
And can I stop?
I am on HRT for almost 6 months. I don't have any ejaculate...I must be permanently sterile....
And I have boobs. I don't want to take them out...I am loving them...If I take them out I'll never be able to have boobs aggain!
I don't know what to do...
Glad to hear you are feeling better and your no longer considering what you were yesterday.
With regard to the woman you wrote the letter to: Be patient before making drastic decisions you can't come back from. Many women don't mind, and actually like dating transgender women. I'm absolutely discusted by men. I don't care even after my SRS I'll never be with one. I'm repulsed by their attetudes and the way they talk to their friends about women as if we're objects placed on this earth for their arm candy and amusement. Anyway back to my point: One of my best girlfriends right now is exactly that, my ex-girlfriend. She approached me after a neighbor of mine told her I was trans (she thought I was cis). I had seen her before alot but always with mostly taller than me, very much hairyer than average men. In no way did I think she'd date me. However, that day when she found out I wasn't a cis female she approached me and asked me out. I fully explained to her my position, and that I'd be starting hrt soon then later on after the hormones have had time to do their thing I would be having SRS (and whatever other surgery that might be necessary) to make me whole (I explained this on our first date). Long story short we were together for over a year and happy. What kind of broke us up for a while was other people's meddling into our business. However now that I've began my hrt she and I couldn't be closer. She has a 3 year old daughter who calls me Auntie Ally who is just adorable, and we're talking about getting a bigger house so that we can live together as a family.
My point in telling you about my best GF is, if you'd seen the type of macho guy's she used to date you'd never believe the two of us could be together and happy. So the point is you never know until you give it a chance. Besides, If you've been on hrt for 6 months I bet she suspects already. If she really feels the same way about you she'll accept you as you are. What have you got to lose? You haven't heard back from her yet. ;)
First of all, let me say that I am so sorry for your loss. I know that pure text doesn't translate well and it's hard to express emotions in this limited environment, but reading your posts the past few days have hit me. I wish there was something I could say or do, but just realize you have a friend here if you ever are in need.
Secondly, right now you just went through a very hard thing that many people either struggle with or inevitably will. At this point in time, it makes sense to look at everything and rexamine where you are and what you want. Just remember, sometimes what we feel during powerful and emotional stages doesn't always reflect what we really want or hope for. Think things over. Give it time. Allow yourself time to grieve and process things. Maybe seeking the love of your life and giving up hrt would be the right move? Maybe you could go forward as a transwoman and still conquer the loneliness that you feel? These are questions that only you can answer with deep thought and time. Don't feel the need to rush. Make sure you are doing what's right for you. There is no time table for these things. Do what's best for Natalia whatever that may be.
Again, I'm very very sorry you are going through this.