So what is it I am getting at? Why am I confused :-\
Well to be very frank, I have been trying to get assistance for two months from local GP's in a rural South Australian town. During the course of this endeavour, I have seen three GP's who vilified me when I mention I want to see Dr Lyons in Adelaide (to get started on HRT) although the first two I did not say it was gender issues or for HRT, they just flat out refused to refer at all. The third stated I have no desire to assist you kind, please look elsewhere. I never said it was gender related either
Finally, I spoke to a young Indian doctor in the next town over. I had seen him recently after I was a victim of an assault and he prescribed me some anti-anxiety medication. I spoke to him about my anxiety, PTSD due to being a witness to sectarian violence in Ireland as child and the death of some of family (which I witnessed at 9 years old). I spoke about the assault too but not the gender part. I explained my anxiety was being a pain and I had "other" issues I wanted to address with a Psychiatrist in Adelaide. I gave him Dr Lyons name, address and phone number. Although I did not explain the "other" issues part. He said no problem I will refer you for your PTSD, anxiety and whatever other psychiatric concerns are causing you to feel upset. After that he smiled and, stating, "Phone their office and tell them it will be sent through in 48hours." He gave my hand a hard squeeze. Then I walked out!!!
- Have I lied to gain the referral to a gender psychiatrist or not?
- Am I a bad person because I did not tell the GP the whole story.
- Plus is it bad that I am petrified and a little bit excited?
http://www.genderqueer.org.au/sa-doctor-robert-lyons/ <---- this is the Psychiatrist
Talk with the Global Moderator here, Cindy, of Adelaide
Quote from: Thing on January 24, 2014, 02:04:51 AM
Talk with the Global Moderator here, Cindy, of Adelaide
What Jamie said.
Personally I feel the answers to your questions are: No; No; & No. But that might be just me.
Mostly I wanted to reply & say "Hi" to another Irish emigrant :)
(I did not have anything near as traumatic an experience as yourself during the troubles though, thankfully.)
It was appalling for those doctors to treat you that way, essentially denying you medical assistance. Just consider it a fudging of the truth to get you what you needed. So no, it doesn't make you a bad person. And yes, feeling giddy anticipation is quite normal! :)
Agreed, you gave the system what it deserved lol.
In the US there are mainly billing issues with insurance. I've thus actually done something just like this with a carrier I used to be on. When I saw my first endocrinologist, we actually sidestepped the problem by giving a diagnosis of endocrine disorder not otherwise specified. My therapists have also given the insurance companies diagnoses other than transsexualism as well.
I haven't had an issue with my current insurance company tho. I know my endocrinologist puts my reason for coming as transsexualism, but they still cover it...or well, covered it, now he's outta network lol. The meds are still covered tho (although there was one weird incident with estradiol, but we quickly bypassed that by just contesting that denial).
Thank you all for the replies. I feel less stressed now, but still feel a bit "mean" I suppose for only using half truths with this doctor as he really nice and empathetic to his patents. Still I guess we sometimes have to do what we have to do if we are going to get help.
And yes I am excited, I just have to find a way to speak to my little babies (9yr boy & 7yr girl). I love them and I think they will be good, but it is going to be a odd talk >.<
You are a wonderfully honest person. Do not feel bad- you did the right thing, you dealt with bigotry without harming anyone in order to get the medical attention you have a right to. Shame on them.
Cindy is not the only one who knows Dr.Lyons, I see him also.
My referral to him was quite specifically for gender issues and I have a feeling you may have issues if your referral is not for that reason.
Quote from: Sarah leah on January 24, 2014, 01:04:30 AM
The third stated I have no desire to assist you kind, please look elsewhere.
What. The. Hell. Pardon my language but this is just *waits for red mist to clear*
*takes a deep breath*
*takes several more*
...I don't suppose Australia has any laws against transphobic discrimination?
Edit: For language.
Quote from: Sarah leah on January 24, 2014, 04:07:49 AM
Thank you all for the replies. I feel less stressed now, but still feel a bit "mean" I suppose for only using half truths with this doctor as he really nice and empathetic to his patents. Still I guess we sometimes have to do what we have to do if we are going to get help.
And yes I am excited, I just have to find a way to speak to my little babies (9yr boy & 7yr girl). I love them and I think they will be good, but it is going to be a odd talk >.<
I'm sorry I just woke up and my brain hasn't caught up with me yet so maybe I'm not understanding correctly. You found a doctor willing to help you he gave you a wink and sent you on your way. You forgot to tell him your transgender, so where's the problem. I must of missed some thing.
No, no and no.
I can't spot any lies in what you said to the GP.
Not telling everything certainly don't make you a bad person, frankly I think it might be quite common. It's nice that he was very helpful towards you.
With something like this you can expect to feel both petrified and excited, and no, that's a good thing.
That's my thoughts anyway
Please don't feel the least bit bad baby. You are doing what you have to in order to survive. We are the only class of human who everyone feels the need to verify and justify before we can be treated. We should not be in that situation to start with. You go girl! :) You have to remember also that some doctors are under intense scrutiny themselves and can only be vague and "wink" us on the correct path.
You are not the only one who has met closed minded Doctors. As much as I love the Canadian 'It's your body' ethic, I met a really nasty one.
My first Endo referral said 'Nobody can help you except CAMH (Canadian addiction, and mental health).' When I responded that it was my belief that ANY Dr. can prescribe HRT, but an Endo is preferred, he flatly said 'No Dr. is going to help you.'
Guess what. I asked my GP for another referral. This new Endo said 'It's your body, and any ten year old can go on the net and self medicate, why wouldn't I get you going on hormones?' The voice of reason.
I have heard stories about a doctor here who called transpatient "an abomination". Quite inspiring.
Quote from: Paulagirl on January 24, 2014, 08:33:22 AM
You are not the only one who has met closed minded Doctors. As much as I love the Canadian 'It's your body' ethic, I met a really nasty one.
My first Endo referral said 'Nobody can help you except CAMH (Canadian addiction, and mental health).' When I responded that it was my belief that ANY Dr. can prescribe HRT, but an Endo is preferred, he flatly said 'No Dr. is going to help you.'
Guess what. I asked my GP for another referral. This new Endo said 'It's your body, and any ten year old can go on the net and self medicate, why wouldn't I get you going on hormones?' The voice of reason.
*Sigh* I wish it was that fast for me, only one Endo here is willing to take trans* patients, and she doesn't accept referrals from GPs only from therapists plus she's got a 5-6 month long waiting list!
Personally, I think you have grounds for a complaint against the doctors that refused to refer you for treatment for your transgender. That's discrimination and grossly unethical (not to mention evil).
I am not sure a failure to provide all the issues to the referring GP will cause a problem. If the GP thought it was enough, assume it is until told otherwise.
My first attempt had me very nervous but the GP just said he didn't know enough about it and the treatment protocols to be able to offer the best care and advised me to find a GP practice that specialises in this stuff. That is easy in Melbourne - Prahran or Northside. It was good advice too. He was young and not a white anglo-saxon middle-aged man - sorry for the stereotype but that demographic (I am in there too!) ->-bleeped-<-s me at times. Rural GPs - I would struggle too TBH. The first response I got was honest. Refusing because of who you are is unethical. The discrimination going on is frightening to think of.
That all said, the referral is done and once you have had the first session, the programme to move forward will be much clearer. You did disclose "other issues" - that should be enough. Anyway, they really don't have any idea what the patient's issues are until they eyeball you. A referral isn't a diagnosis. I think you will be fine.
no, no, no
congratulations.
Feel free to make assumptions about Dr.Lyons, I've been seeing him for 3 years and know him pretty well, professionally at least..
With that said, he specialises in people with gender issues. Period. A referral for other reasons may not get you in the door.
I'd suggest you contact his receptionist and check for other requirements too.. I've heard that he now requires somewhat of a written history..
And I wasn't going to say this, but I will..
The treatment you received from those GP's was wrong, but it is as much your own fault as theirs.. You don't ask for this referral, you tell the GP you want it and why..
I think I will be fine. I just need to contact the office and explain the predigest nature of a few doctors I have access too and the lengths I have had to go to overcome it. It is not like I am privileged enough to have access to GP's by the bucket load, there is five doctors in a 100kms and they are all over 60 years old except for the one I seen. In terms of the social status qua, I understand that for "old school" doctors it is a challenge hence when I broached the topic they freaked. Especially the second to last one. The first two I suggested I did not feel right in my skin and wanted to speak to someone about it. They seemed fine until they looked up Dr Lyons name then they became crass and typical WASPs.
That aside I have thought long and hard on this and I feel I did what I had to do and I would do it again. Do I feel a bit bad... well yes it goes against my nature to act with subterfuge, but there is times when we must fight to survive and I did that will my intellect rather than with words or fists.
I spoke to Dr Lyons secretary today on the phone, she explained I must write a letter to him, which I have done. I am a bit worried about it and I give a history of who I am. However, I wanted to share aspects of it here with all names/addresses removed. Is that fine or is it somehow deemed offensive to others?
I feel it would be very therapeutic to share my background after having to open up in the letter and I think it is time I shared my story with others too. Also perhaps it would help to let others see we all have a lot to face in our journey and in some ways we are all very alike. Obviously I won't be sharing a private letter to a therapist, although I would like to share =aspects= of my story that I included. In this way it lets me face it in a safe manner and in doing so come to terms with it. In fact I will likely read it again in the future when I get lost along the way.
As one of Rob's patients. I'd be more than happy to give a look over for you..
You didn't do anything wrong Sarah. I've worked at hospital for almost a decade and before a brief stint as a dental assistant.
If it's one thing that's universal it's that the entities that fund and approve health care do not look at the patient as a person. They look at you as a number on a page.
Most of the doctors I have ever worked with and their staff have had to fudge diagnosis and care plans to get it passed for approval and funding. Just because they wrote the system doesn't mean they have the right to deny you care. And it's no more wrong than telling the truth to a computer. It doesn't always understand the context of the data that you entered and sometimes you have to enter a lie to get the damned thing just to do its job as intended.
You did not do anything wrong.
From here on, get used to telling people in the medical industry you are trans.
I know all too well the nervous excitement you are feeling. You wait so long, then WOAH, it can move very fast... and then once you start HRT, things slow down again.
Have fun!
Thank you everyone for the support. As I said earlier in my post I need to vent by telling my story. I won't be including the letter I want to sent to Dr Lyons (gender therapist). But I will be sharing part of who I am and the "type of info" I might tell him. This is a very private thing, but in saying that I need to address it by "putting it out there" in a way that I feel comfortable. If you do not want to read it, I understand, but I do ask you do not pass judgment on who I am please. I did many things to survive in my teens which I am not proud off.
Quote
I was born in 1978 in Northern Ireland, to a father in the Armed forces, and a mother who at the time was a Nurse. My early years from birth to five were, as I understand rather uneventful. Around the age of five-six years of age, I began to explore my gender and was surprised to realize, I was somewhat different from my male cousins and friends. To the best of my recollection, it was a rather slight progression at first, with a desire to not play with other males and instead a desire to play with my sister, her friends and engage in more female gender typecast role-play, such as playing mums, dressing dolls and a longing to grow my hair like theirs. My biological father however stopped this, as it was "unacceptable" that I was disinterested in his perceived notion of gender. At approximately 6 ½ - 7 years old my family fled Ireland and were relocated in the Lake District in England. My father was not present for days at a time and I again started to engage in gender role-play activities. Our house was very old and large so I clearly remember the first time I took my sisters tennis clothing, a white skirt/white top and hair band. After sneaking, away with it I hide in the old bedrooms at the back of the house playing with her dolls. Indeed, I ran away from school several times and wore her other clothing at the park. This happened on and off whenever I got the chance. At 8 years old, we returned to Ireland, during which I witnessed the direct murder of family members through acts of sectarian violence. Due to these events, I was formally diagnosed with a form of PTSD, which caused me to withdraw from people and become isolated. At some point, I made a friend (lets pretend his name is Paul) who I formed a strong connection too. He was a little older than I was at the time (2-3 years older) we spent almost every day together playing, riding bikes and going to school together.
On Halloween one year (I was 10 now) we dressed up as super heroes, I told Paul that I wanted to dress as cat woman; he thought this was very funny and decided to dress as batman so we could go together. We made our own costumes and attended the party; he told none who I was and I remember feeling happy as a girl as if it was perfectly normal, joking with other females and other boys treating me like a female. I think deep down Paul knew I was "different" as he referred to me as his girlfriend that night. After that night I stole a girls school uniform from a clothesline in the early hours of the morning (2-3am) and started skipping school once every few weeks to hang out with Paul (there was no sexual contact, it was very platonic). I would dress in the uniform, with a my chin length hair and we would get the bus 20miles into the city of Belfast. During our trips, we would go to museums, libraries and to large shopping centres to socialise, read and to allow me to enjoy my passion for art and history. One day I came home and was confronted by my biological father in his Officers uniform, he took me into the house and showed me the large bag of girls clothing I had hidden behind the water heater. He dragged me by the hair into the sitting room shaved my head, flogged me with his polished military belt and forced me to burn each item in the coal fire.
I clearly remember feeling like my whole life was being ripped from under me and in a screaming fit, I broke down and told him I wanted to be a girl. He was enraged and he told me, "I will not have a ->-bleeped-<-got son." Then he knocked me unconscious with his fist. He never told anyone including my mother about the event or clothing, as he appeared to be ashamed of me and as far as I can deduce he never spoke of it again to anyone.
At 11 years old, my mother divorced him, and our lives were again put in danger by sectarian violence, as I was being recruited to carry weapons for certain parties or they would kill my siblings. This time my mother abandoned everything we owned including our family home, moved my sister, brother and I to Australia. I stayed in contact with Paul for several months during which he opened up to me and I him. He reported that he had started to develop a physical attraction to me and it confused him as he seen me as a female only in his mind, but added he was not gay. However, he wished I were biologically a girl so we could be together. I was extremely upset by this, and fearful of my own desire to be a girl. I wrote back several times after his letter telling him I wished I was a girl too, and I missed his friendship and that perhaps when I am older we could see each other again. He never wrote again. I later found him on facebook when I was in my late twenties. He was married with two children and he explained he was still confused years later as he thought about me from time to time and why he had been attracted to me. He blocked me on facebook not long after and I have not made contact since as I sensed these feelings upset him.
I continued to dress in private as a girl, often sneaking out late at night to walk the streets as a girl, at this point I started to grow my hair out and contemplate more and more about why I was trapped in this body. I became angry and began to attend a local nightclub I was 5,5 ft- 5,6 ft tall at that time and 14 years old so I could easily pass as a 18 year old female with my height. I started to drink and hang around older people. After six months, my mother noticed the drinking and I was kicked out of home. She never knew about the going out as a woman and I think still does not know my true feelings. Over the next 12 months I got into drugs, and contemplated death on occasions to escape my sorrow. Throughout the next few years, I got in trouble with the law for drinking, driving fast cars and became a street kid in -my home town-, Adelaide and for a short period in Sydney.
Indeed, for my many years, I have felt somewhat different from my peers, family and others I have met. To some extent, I have masculine features, and male anatomy. I enjoy video games, martial arts, fast cars and find women very visually appealing. Yet I have no male friends instead enjoying the company of other women, and the sense of belonging I gain within their sisterhood. Something I tend to hide from others as well as I can, but it has raised many questions by other males and on occasion other women. Over the years I have been asked if I am homosexual or heterosexual as I can be both very feminine in my mannerisms and yet very masculine when confronted with situation of extreme fear or times that I am required to protect others from harm. I have dreamt all my life about being a woman and can become very emotional over the subject, becoming mildly depressed and distressed. I have dress as a female more often than I care to admit. Indeed, from the age of 15-21 I dressed 80% of the day as an androgynous female, with long hair, and plucked eyebrows. I spent my nights as a full time female or when outside of my hometown, often attended bars, restaurants and social settings as a woman with breast forms etc. Indeed, I only reverted to "male mode" in situation that required it such as formal appointments or family events. At 21 years of age, testosterone took its toll on my body, I gained the beginnings of facial hair and my body bulked up with muscle. Oddly, I did not enter puberty at all until I was 18-19 years old and at first, it was slow with limited changes, chest hair and a slight deepening of my voice. By 23, I was very much male looking with the need to shave every three-four days, established body hair and a deep male voice.
In my early twenties I even tried to hide my gender by dating a girl for a few years, but ultimately it failed when she found out I was dressing as a female in her clothing and I told her I felt like a female in a male's body. She called me a abomination and never spoke to me again. At about 23ish years of age I got into drugs more heavily and drinking, I joined a Adelaide street gang, stealing food and clothing (lucky I never hurt people or got caught). I did everything I could to appear male, cut my hair short, got a tattoo, and got in fights to prove I was a "real man." However, the feelings were always below the surface and I could not hide it. Instead, I met another girl and convinced myself I should get of the substances, settle down and have a child, as a good Irish boy is required to. I think looking back on it, I did loved her and I have always been attracted to females, I find them very attractive in fact, but I think some males are fine in their own particular way. I would not say I could not love one, I just never pushed the point.
We had a son quickly. Unfortunately, after my son was born she became violent towards me, leading to her being the perpetrator of domestic violence, one night I woke to her raping me, and I tried to leave her. She beat me with a steel rod and threaten to kill our unborn daughter if I did not comply. After she was born, she abandoned both the children (1 ½ year old male and 2 week old female). I gained full custody and hatched a plan, I would attended University, gain a degree, save up some money for a home and hopefully the feelings would go away. Instead, they became extremely strong; I became more depressed put on a lot of weight (120kg) and started to hide from the world. In November 2013, I found a peer review article on transgender people and decided I could not take it anymore and have since lost weight (currently 97kg). I have dropped hints with my children the last three months about "daddy has a girls brain and what would it mean if his body changed too?" they both seem unsure and perhaps distressed as my daughter said but I only want my daddy! So for now I have stopped dropping hints out of fear. But I still want to become a woman on the outside.
Thank you for reading. I will likely read this again from time to time. Also do you think I should tell Dr Lyons this stuff or not????
Hi Sarah Leah,
Thank you for trusting us with your story.
I cannot see any reason why you should not share this story with any therapist you feel you can trust. From what you have written so far, you seem to have some trust in Dr. Lyons ability to be able to help you. My opinion would be an unequivocal "yes".
But I do not know Dr. Lyons. Kelly (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?action=profile;u=12034) (aka: The Post-Trans-Rebel) does, and she has offered you her help & support. I know Kelly from another trans website also. I have found her to be intelligent, supportive & honest. I strongly recommend you take her up on her offer of support.
Be well :)
Tessa
Hi Sarah Leah,
A life story, pretty much like I spent my first 2 sessions with him talking about. Don't think you can shock him, you can't. Some of the specifics may surprise him, but none of it will shock him. He'll ask questions about stuff that interests him - and some things he asks about might seem odd.. At least they did to me.
Just a tip, he does have a sense of humour, it can be a tricky to unearth though. You may find him a little on the detached side, I did early on - and I know he does that for his own sanity.
If you have any other questions, feel free to ask..
Cheers,
K - The Post-Trans-Rebel
well, your story is a bit more rough then my , but the nuts and bolts are the same. Boy friend, clothes, drugs, for me a little prostitution, ect. I'm sorry you had to deal with your father like that. I went out a lot my self dressed properly I'm of Irish descent , but born in US. Well, half Irish half English. I'm sure you'll get the understanding you need. Therapy been great for me and you really can't say any thing that hasn't been heard before one way or another.
Thank you for the feedback it helps more than you all might guess :)
So a quick update:
I took my two children out for ice cream at the park yesterday. It was 40 degrees celsius so it was nice to escape the heat of the house for a few hours (no A/C at home). We were talking about diversity within Australian society and what it means. Indeed, we spoke about refugees and how it was important to understand the struggles of humanity. Mind you my kids are seven and nine so for most kids this is not a topic they talk about, but in our home the three of us share our thoughts, feelings and I try to be a moral compass for them. I believe that modelling and open communication is essential. Nevertheless, the topic of homosexuality came up and I asked my son, "is it weird that some boys kiss others boys?" He did not even stop to think and replied, "No its different heheh... but we have no right to judge others. Everyone should be happy and people are what you are. " His response made me smile.
When we got home I decided to show them a few videos on youtube. I showed them a youtube video about a little girl who was born a boy, a few of adults all of whom are female now. My daughter thought the people were very pretty and they both did not seem unset or confused "outside of a few questions." I explained that some people are born with the wrong body and in this case, these people had girls brains and feelings, so now they had changed their body to match their brains. Much later, my daughter took my hand and said, "Daddy you said your brain is not like other boys." She explained that her brother and her had been discussing it and wondered if I was like the people in the youtube videos.
I was freaking but I took a deep breath and stated, "Yes but my body is not ready even if my brain is so it might not happen straight away, but in time my body would change." She ran away and I could hear them speaking in whispers. I was tucking in my son to bed and he hugged me and said, "I love you dad but I need to speak to you and so does –his sister-." I though oh god what have they done now heh! They got a pillow of the bed and told me to sit on it. Then they got a bit of paper from under a book and asked me questions they had written down. Now mind you I answered them but... I will lie as I had to twist it a bit so they would not freak out.
• 1.) What is wrong with your brain dad?
I stated nothing, but my brain is sad, as it wants to be a girl and it is becoming more loud. I tried to say no to it for years, but it wants my body to be a girl too. So very soon, I will see a doctor to try to fix my body. ( I had to twist the words a tad, but I think for now it is easier to do it this way)
• 2.) What will change in your body daddy?
I explained, I would grow long hair get a fat bum! Moreover, I might get breasts (my daughter started laughing her head off at this and my son rolled his eyes as I pretended I had breasts)
• Will you kiss boys!
I said no I like girls right now so its not likely.
• Will you wear girl clothing as you have a fat tummy and it will look like you have a baby in there?
I explained no, but maybe one day my brain will ask me to wear something's like girl jeans. ( My son rolled his eyes and stated, "So let me get this right old man you will get boobies! (lol) wear girl jeans and have long hair like the photos of you as a kid?" I said "maybe why?" He grumbled and said, "because if you do that I won't be allowed to stay up late on Saturdays or play xbox anymore, because mums stop their kids from doing that." I just looked at him and laughed out loud suggesting is that what worries you? He said, "Well yeah because that would suck."
• Will it happen now or will it takes ages?
I said once I see the doctor we will look at what it means and if he thinks it is a good idea to start doing things for my body to help my brain, then in a year or two I will look like a woman. But I will still be dad.
They looked at me oddly and said "ok." Then my daughter punched my arm and did a silly face all the while laughing saying, "goodnight mr girl-daddy" and ran back to bed. My son said, "mmm as long as it is not for a while I guess, and does granny and poppy know?" I said no it's a secret and one I do not want to share as I might get sad. He hugged me and whispered, "I love you and I will not tell anyone if it will hurt you dad." Then he went to sleep.
I will talk to them again later and ask them some question in a few days to gauge their feelings more in depth. However, I think I just got past the first hurdle with them as they seemed unsure, but not negative. I know I twisted words to make it easier to understand and I never told them I dressed as a girl in private or cried about it etc. Nevertheless, this is a start I feel comfortable with and in time I will elaborate more on it with them in small gentle steps.
I feel like I did the right thing in my heart, but it was hard :(
That was an unusual conversation but It sounds like you handled it well. I suspect they will have more questions as time goes by and it was thought out by them to ask. They must have felt safe enough to ask and that is a good start.
Yeah agreed, they asked more odd questions an hour ago. I just rolled with it and tried to explain I will not be a girl for a few years on the outside. What makes it hard is living in a little community and the shock it will cause for them if they speak about it at school, after all they are only 7 and 9 years old so it might come up in a conversation they have by mistake, then it might cause them to get harassed. So I tried to suggest it would be better to keep it private for now.
I'd say you did a great job. Gives you plenty of time
You did what was necessary to deal with outright bigotry and still reach a point where you can receive the medical care you need and deserve. If anyone is at fault, it would be those that tried to hold you back.
Been saving for laser ($350 saved) so I can get started on my face. Only to find out there is nowhere for 500kms that does laser. The only one I found was the intense pulsed light IPL, and she could not give me a cost or if it will work on a mans face!!!! Is it worth doing IPL even or not. Here is a photo of my hair three days after my last shave (not on hrt still). Do you think it will work on my face, as I have a slight Australian bronze to my skin heh!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1373.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fag389%2Fmanaknightdragon%2FSANY0069_zps465accc9.jpg&hash=52802f7b4b8fb7816aed4ee4c8803b8442c01d4a) (http://s1373.photobucket.com/user/manaknightdragon/media/SANY0069_zps465accc9.jpg.html)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1373.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fag389%2Fmanaknightdragon%2FSANY0077_zps594b1e83.jpg&hash=ddd02d992672c6df4ab3afcb4a72799702206132) (http://s1373.photobucket.com/user/manaknightdragon/media/SANY0077_zps594b1e83.jpg.html)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1373.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fag389%2Fmanaknightdragon%2FSANY0074_zps1f2f9f64.jpg&hash=5aa59281f319e6452cf3935371c5dffd390c405e) (http://s1373.photobucket.com/user/manaknightdragon/media/SANY0074_zps1f2f9f64.jpg.html)
Wow I look terrible in photos. I hate them so much I just wish I did not look like this ugly guy :(
You might consider a home laser kit, like a Tria.
Is it any good, I have limited funds so I have to be careful. As in is it as good as a laser from a professional and will it take as long or longer to do anything?
Also thank you for the help :)
Any of the Silk Laser clinics will do proper laser..
Quote from: The Post-Trans-Rebel. on February 14, 2014, 06:11:23 AM
Any of the Silk Laser clinics will do proper laser..
I live in rural SA, sadly that precludes me from attending the city without a 5-6 hours drive each way. Although on a side note it was not IPL instead we have an electrolysis person who visits nearby at a doctors clinic!!! Which makes me a bit upset that there is no laser treatment. Also she is booked for up to 12 months in advance and only works with referrals from gps. I have the worst luck heh. I guess I will wait for to see the psychiatrist and keep dropping weight while I wait for HRT to be on the books.
Been feeling lost recently, I donated almost 95% of my female clothing to the salvos and have been trying to keep to myself more. In many ways I am getting depressed as there is no support here in my town. Everything is 5-6 hours way:
- No laser treatment
- No doctors that I trust
- No one I can sit with and just talk
So pretty much woe is me :)
I have been trying to drop weight for three months and I still look like a fat guy, which has caused me to cry in my room the last few days. I just wish I was able to start laser and speak to a specialist sooner, as I am beginning to feel very alone and lost. Not that I would contemplate anything, far from it. But I feel the walls I create from 21ish to 30 years old are trying to rebuild around me again in a fable attempt at shielding my true feelings.
I looked in the mirror and I could not breath today, I seem to be stuck in this foul flesh prison that I can never escape, one that shackles me to the ground and leaves me screaming for sustenance ever single second of the day. Yet conversely I have lied to myself for so very, long that I have begun to fall for my own propaganda. This alone forces me to wallow in self hatred loathing the person I personified in order to survive.
There are morning when I wake only to plummet into that long forgotten abyss of my own folly, clawing and gnashing once more as the slumber of the night is fractured and the splendour of being free in my dreams is confronted with the harsh reality of another day as a lonely prisoner of my own biology.
Sorry to prattle on but I feel a tad down trodden at the moment :-\ Perhaps I am once again an emotional mess lol. But I will keep my head up because it is what the Celts do best ;)
That 2nd from last paragraph describes me every morning from age 10 to age 50ish.
It passed along with my shedding my ignorance of what was wrong. The methods of correcting that are at an impasse right now, but it is still better. I hope you can get yourself out of that pit. I don't have support in my town either, nor Endo's or any other doc, or therapist, etc. I come here or phone the few people I care to speak to and that seems to be enough. I hope you can get to that place or move to a place that has the resources you need.
Meanwhile, huggles.
I have been hiding a little lately again as I feel a tad depressed. I even put on 2 kilos due to locking myself away. However I promised myself that I will start eat healthy again and after going over my concerns on paper and trying to find a rational approach to it, I had concluded I would start reducing my intake more and taking a walk down the road twice a day. Then today I got a letter from Dr Lyons office in Adelaide to make an appointment -insert squeal of joy-
Sadly after speaking to the receptionist she informed me the earliest is in November this year if I am lucky and after that appointment I could be waiting several more months again to get a follow up. Now I feel beyond lost, it is horrible to be put in this situation and disheartening to say the least. Not only have I no access to laser or therapy where I live, but now I could be waiting for upwards of 12months before I can have two appointments.
sorry , that's a real downer.
Quote from: Sarah leah on March 16, 2014, 07:03:56 PM
I have been hiding a little lately again as I feel a tad depressed. I even put on 2 kilos due to locking myself away. However I promised myself that I will start eat healthy again and after going over my concerns on paper and trying to find a rational approach to it, I had concluded I would start reducing my intake more and taking a walk down the road twice a day. Then today I got a letter from Dr Lyons office in Adelaide to make an appointment -insert squeal of joy-
Sadly after speaking to the receptionist she informed me the earliest is in November this year if I am lucky and after that appointment I could be waiting several more months again to get a follow up. Now I feel beyond lost, it is horrible to be put in this situation and disheartening to say the least. Not only have I no access to laser or therapy where I live, but now I could be waiting for upwards of 12months before I can have two appointments.
I'm an existing client of Robs and I can't get an appointment either.. I've got one in April, that was booked in October last year..
@stephaniec thank you :)
@kelly_aus I am Sorry to hear that.
I am unsure where to go with this as I have reached the point of utter depression, due I suppose to all of the waiting and lack of support where I live. It is overwhelming and to be very frank it is killing me slowly from the inside. Indeed, after all these years I truly feel like I have ran out of options and can not wait any longer for assistance.
I need to go away and think for a while.
So a quick update, I will be seeing Dr Lyons on my birthday next week which I thought was kind of funny for my initial assessment. I am not sure what he will ask but I am both elated and yet petrified of what to expect. Here is hoping he does not get me to stand on one leg and sing the teapot song :D
In all seriousness what should I expect from my first visit to a Psychiatrist who specialises in gender dysphoria?
Congrats and Happy Birthday!
Expect to give him a life history - or answer questions on it if he already has one..
Just relax - if you can! He is very understanding and easy to talk to.
Thank you both and I will just be honest and upfront with him. I even have my little hyundai Getz fuelled, tires pumped and my tunes for the big 600km drive all set (I am a multitasking machine) :P Just need to drop the kids of at an old friends for the day in Mount Barker, which will be a relief and find a safe parking space nearby.
There is a car park at the clinic. The reception staff are super wonderful, there is a nice coffee shop on Kensington road a few hundred meters away for a pre or post coffee or lunch.
good luck
Genitalia from Australia f**k it is one of her songs and it is so true you should not feel bad go listen to it I always get a smile when I have to fudge the truth a bit I have been treated the same as you buy many ->-bleeped-<- doctors younger and old most of them claimed religious affiliation however they had issues skeletons in their closet such as divorces bribes etc.
Quote from: Kassie on June 19, 2014, 08:43:56 PM
Genitalia from Australia f**k it is one of her songs and it is so true you should not feel bad go listen to it I always get a smile when I have to fudge the truth a bit I have been treated the same as you buy many ->-bleeped-<- doctors younger and old most of them claimed religious affiliation however they had issues skeletons in their closet such as divorces bribes etc.
Wat? ??? Kassie- could you try to use punctuation? This is very hard to read. I dunno what you are trying to say here but it doesn't sound good :o
Sorry I apologize that is why I do not do a lot of comments on here. I had a stroke due to radiation when I was four years old for a brain tumor that sat on my optic chiasm Clayoma made me visually impaired. I rely a lot on dictation as it is hard to type.
There is a song by Jenny Talia from Australia the song is called f**k it I listen to it whenever I need a good laugh or tired of political BS I have had similar experiences with doctors even though I liv near some bigger hospitals the doctors are religious or ignorant don't want to learn. I have been questioning doctors since I was approximately nine years old as I went through puberty at eight years old. Have had a low T level. I had to lie at times even though those doctors did not help me. but I think I finally found a natural path that will work and here in the US it is up to the doctors if they want you to go through counseling etc. before starting hrt. Perhaps that last doctor you saw new more than he let on about that person you wanted the referral too. Just a thought
All the best
Hope this made sense
So I made it the 600km drive (through a storm) to Adelaide and spoke with Dr Lyons about my general history. It was somewhat confronting to reflect on the highs and lows, but affirming also. I see him again in four weeks time, so I better start saving up for another big drive.
I spoke very briefly about my trans issues and more so about who I am so it was scary, yet in saying, "I think I am transsexual" I felt a weight lift! Almost silly to say it but I felt it and it was natural to say the words. Anyway just a quick update and I will see how I go in another four weeks when I breach the subject further, as I skirted it a lot out of shame and the difficulty of stating it openly.
Quote from: Sarah leah on June 23, 2014, 08:55:09 PM
So I made it the 600km drive (through a storm) to Adelaide and spoke with Dr Lyons about my general history. It was somewhat confronting to reflect on the highs and lows, but affirming also. I see him again in four weeks time, so I better start saving up for another big drive.
I spoke very briefly about my trans issues and more so about who I am so it was scary, yet in saying, "I think I am transsexual" I felt a weight lift! Almost silly to say it but I felt it and it was natural to say the words. Anyway just a quick update and I will see how I go in another four weeks when I breach the subject further, as I skirted it a lot out of shame and the difficulty of stating it openly.
it took me a very long time about opening up about being transgender
Congratulations Sarah ! :D
I am very glad to hear that you finally managed to get that appointment & that you feel it went well :)
Quote from: Sarah leah on June 23, 2014, 08:55:09 PMSo I made it the 600km drive (through a storm) to Adelaide and spoke with Dr Lyons about my general history. It was somewhat confronting to reflect on the highs and lows, but affirming also. I see him again in four weeks time, so I better start saving up for another big drive.
I spoke very briefly about my trans issues and more so about who I am so it was scary, yet in saying, "I think I am transsexual" I felt a weight lift! Almost silly to say it but I felt it and it was natural to say the words. Anyway just a quick update and I will see how I go in another four weeks when I breach the subject further, as I skirted it a lot out of shame and the difficulty of stating it openly.
Aye, the shame is powerful. It still gets me often, but less often than before. It does get easier to overcome the more I open up to people.
I am very happy for you :)
I hope you were able to meet up with someone from Susan's while you were in Adelaide.
Thank you and I wish I had the time when I was up there to do it, but my kids had school so it was a race to get there in the bad south Australian weather and race back again in it. Still it was eye opening to speak frankly and I see him again in a month.
Attended the second appointment a few days ago: (24/7/2014)
My reflection:
It was not as I had expected, he is a nice person, very professional, empathetic and someone I could easily respect. Although this second consultation was harder than the last as I had to remove another layer to psychic armour. Indeed, I was left confused towards the end as he said I want to meet the real you next time. At first, I thought he meant wear a dress or something. Which I could not do as it would kill me inside at this point to face the world in this manner; in fact, the harm it would do is beyond imagination. I left petrified and had to drive to a nearby side street where I cried my eyes out. A thing I refuse to let others see as it would open the floodgates. In reality, I find talking about my life hard to do as I have trust issues and sadly I struggle opening up to people.
I told him that I had been living as a female when I was homeless and that I stopped because I began to look more and more male in my early twenties. However, there is more to it than that.
I spoke a few months ago about how I lived on the streets in Adelaide, Sydney and in more towns than I can count on two hands when I was 14-15 onwards. It was a dark period in my life. I even learnt a few years ago they had a name for us. They called us "Australia's second lost generation." They wrote articles and even a few books about us. In the late 1990s and early 2000s we lived in the shadows and fringes of towns, moving from one place to the next forgotten and unseen by society. Indeed more than half of us suicided, or ended up dead from drug addiction.
I survived but not without my fair share of scars too.
During this period I was forced to live in situations that were unsafe and to survive, I create new personas to protect myself. It is hard to explain I suppose but in my mind, it was like donning full plate armour so that I could hide behind it encapsulated and shielded from the pain of it all. Indeed the only time I could be "me" was when I emerged at night in my real clothing and untied my long dark hair, styling it and allowing my eyes to look at the world without the haze of his control. I would walk the streets; watch the other children my age with their families and friends hoping that they would save me. I would sit outside restaurants and see them smile and laugh and wonder what it must feel like to be held and told I was loved. However, they never did and it took away my innocence.
One day I met a girl and we feel in love, she knew who I was and she did not care she simply loved me and I loved her in return. She had the bluest eyes, the warmest smile and the kindest words to say about everyone. I never had seen her once say anything bad about anyone. We would walk hand in hand, dance, sing and laugh. It was wonderful even if we had nothing, just each other. Sadly one night we were taken and drove into the Adelaide hills where four men beat us both up for being a cis girl and a transgirl in a relationship. I can remember this 20-year-old man's face and the blood. I remember his screams as I drove the tyre iron into his face and the other men screaming as they pushed us out on to the road near eagle on the hill. We walked into the city and she ended up in the Adelaide hospital for a week. She was never the same after it. When we spoke to the Police, they said they would look into it, but we knew they could care less about two street kids.
She became a drug addict and I lost her to an overdose. Unfortunately, something dark was born inside me because of it, something that I had carried since that day in Ireland. The "traveller" took control once more and Sarah got hidden lost to the abyss. I would hear her voice from time to time, but to live it meant ignoring her and giving him control. It took another ten years silence him and I was reborn as me.
I am sure this all sounds rather silly. Yet I feel I need to be honest and maybe then I can let her free for real. Until then I wear my mask hoping he can never find me again.
Quote from: Sarah leah on July 27, 2014, 06:41:21 AM
Attended the second appointment a few days ago: (24/7/2014)
My reflection:
It was not as I had expected, he is a nice person, very professional, empathetic and someone I could easily respect. Although this second consultation was harder than the last as I had to remove another layer to psychic armour. Indeed, I was left confused towards the end as he said I want to meet the real you next time. At first, I thought he meant wear a dress or something. Which I could not do as it would kill me inside at this point to face the world in this manner; in fact, the harm it would do is beyond imagination. I left petrified and had to drive to a nearby side street where I cried my eyes out. A thing I refuse to let others see as it would open the floodgates. In reality, I find talking about my life hard to do as I have trust issues and sadly I struggle opening up to people.
I told him that I had been living as a female when I was homeless and that I stopped because I began to look more and more male in my early twenties. However, there is more to it than that.
I spoke a few months ago about how I lived on the streets in Adelaide, Sydney and in more towns than I can count on two hands when I was 14-15 onwards. It was a dark period in my life. I even learnt a few years ago they had a name for us. They called us "Australia's second lost generation." They wrote articles and even a few books about us. In the late 1990s and early 2000s we lived in the shadows and fringes of towns, moving from one place to the next forgotten and unseen by society. Indeed more than half of us suicided, or ended up dead from drug addiction.
I survived but not without my fair share of scars too.
During this period I was forced to live in situations that were unsafe and to survive, I create new personas to protect myself. It is hard to explain I suppose but in my mind, it was like donning full plate armour so that I could hide behind it encapsulated and shielded from the pain of it all. Indeed the only time I could be "me" was when I emerged at night in my real clothing and untied my long dark hair, styling it and allowing my eyes to look at the world without the haze of his control. I would walk the streets; watch the other children my age with their families and friends hoping that they would save me. I would sit outside restaurants and see them smile and laugh and wonder what it must feel like to be held and told I was loved. However, they never did and it took away my innocence.
One day I met a girl and we feel in love, she knew who I was and she did not care she simply loved me and I loved her in return. She had the bluest eyes, the warmest smile and the kindest words to say about everyone. I never had seen her once say anything bad about anyone. We would walk hand in hand, dance, sing and laugh. It was wonderful even if we had nothing, just each other. Sadly one night we were taken and drove into the Adelaide hills where four men beat us both up for being a cis girl and a transgirl in a relationship. I can remember this 20-year-old man's face and the blood. I remember his screams as I drove the tyre iron into his face and the other men screaming as they pushed us out on to the road near eagle on the hill. We walked into the city and she ended up in the Adelaide hospital for a week. She was never the same after it. When we spoke to the Police, they said they would look into it, but we knew they could care less about two street kids.
She became a drug addict and I lost her to an overdose. Unfortunately, something dark was born inside me because of it, something that I had carried since that day in Ireland. The "traveller" took control once more and Sarah got hidden lost to the abyss. I would hear her voice from time to time, but to live it meant ignoring her and giving him control. It took another ten years silence him and I was reborn as me.
I am sure this all sounds rather silly. Yet I feel I need to be honest and maybe then I can let her free for real. Until then I wear my mask hoping he can never find me again.
. I am glad it went good
When do you go back?
Xx
Quote from: Sarah leah on July 27, 2014, 06:41:21 AM
Attended the second appointment a few days ago: (24/7/2014)
My reflection:
It was not as I had expected, he is a nice person, very professional, empathetic and someone I could easily respect. Although this second consultation was harder than the last as I had to remove another layer to psychic armour. Indeed, I was left confused towards the end as he said I want to meet the real you next time. At first, I thought he meant wear a dress or something. Which I could not do as it would kill me inside at this point to face the world in this manner; in fact, the harm it would do is beyond imagination. I left petrified and had to drive to a nearby side street where I cried my eyes out. A thing I refuse to let others see as it would open the floodgates. In reality, I find talking about my life hard to do as I have trust issues and sadly I struggle opening up to people.
I told him that I had been living as a female when I was homeless and that I stopped because I began to look more and more male in my early twenties. However, there is more to it than that.
I spoke a few months ago about how I lived on the streets in Adelaide, Sydney and in more towns than I can count on two hands when I was 14-15 onwards. It was a dark period in my life. I even learnt a few years ago they had a name for us. They called us "Australia's second lost generation." They wrote articles and even a few books about us. In the late 1990s and early 2000s we lived in the shadows and fringes of towns, moving from one place to the next forgotten and unseen by society. Indeed more than half of us suicided, or ended up dead from drug addiction.
I survived but not without my fair share of scars too.
During this period I was forced to live in situations that were unsafe and to survive, I create new personas to protect myself. It is hard to explain I suppose but in my mind, it was like donning full plate armour so that I could hide behind it encapsulated and shielded from the pain of it all. Indeed the only time I could be "me" was when I emerged at night in my real clothing and untied my long dark hair, styling it and allowing my eyes to look at the world without the haze of his control. I would walk the streets; watch the other children my age with their families and friends hoping that they would save me. I would sit outside restaurants and see them smile and laugh and wonder what it must feel like to be held and told I was loved. However, they never did and it took away my innocence.
One day I met a girl and we feel in love, she knew who I was and she did not care she simply loved me and I loved her in return. She had the bluest eyes, the warmest smile and the kindest words to say about everyone. I never had seen her once say anything bad about anyone. We would walk hand in hand, dance, sing and laugh. It was wonderful even if we had nothing, just each other. Sadly one night we were taken and drove into the Adelaide hills where four men beat us both up for being a cis girl and a transgirl in a relationship. I can remember this 20-year-old man's face and the blood. I remember his screams as I drove the tyre iron into his face and the other men screaming as they pushed us out on to the road near eagle on the hill. We walked into the city and she ended up in the Adelaide hospital for a week. She was never the same after it. When we spoke to the Police, they said they would look into it, but we knew they could care less about two street kids.
She became a drug addict and I lost her to an overdose. Unfortunately, something dark was born inside me because of it, something that I had carried since that day in Ireland. The "traveller" took control once more and Sarah got hidden lost to the abyss. I would hear her voice from time to time, but to live it meant ignoring her and giving him control. It took another ten years silence him and I was reborn as me.
I am sure this all sounds rather silly. Yet I feel I need to be honest and maybe then I can let her free for real. Until then I wear my mask hoping he can never find me again.
And do you know who he wants to meet?
You :-*
this seems to be a great opportunity for you . Seems like he must be extremely qualified and can help. Just open the flood gates.
Thank you all for the feedback I appreciate it and yes he is. He was pretty nice man to chat with and not pushy with his questions, just direct when required. What I thought was very funny was when he raised his eyebrow and said, "I feel like I am talking to a colleague right now, perhaps we can take a step back to "patient" and therapist role." Which made me giggle a little as I am a therapist too with people that are recovering from a mental illness (I am a Mental Health Social worker).
I know that I have to be less defensive but it is hard still as I have been hiding for 35 years since the day I was born and only coming out at random or when I was homeless. Still I know there is a huge Transgender event in Adelaide in a few months and I am going to see if I can get a scholarship payment to attend, as whilst I have a degree I am a single parent and looking for a job right now. So I am very poor :(
Anyway I will update this thread soon again as it is nice to look back and see where I was a few months ago compared to where I am now.
Take care
good luck
Well it has been a long time and a few months ago a lady at work seen me crying in my car after a hard session with one of my clients who had been facing some trauma. Long story short I told her I am a female instead and seeing what this kid was facing caused me to rethink somethings. She asked a lot of questions, offered some wisdom and support. A few days later the CEO and head boss of the NGO I work at as a mental health social worker stated, "If you start to change can you still do your work." I said of course and they just grinned and said "You have such a strong bond with people and a mothers instinct don't ignore it and when you start this process lets work on a plan to support you and nurture that instinct."
It was amazing but the shame was overwhelming and I felt ill for days after. Then 10 days ago I found myself writing a letter on my PC to my mother. I emailed it and went to sleep. In the morning I realised what I had done.
I had sent her 36 pages on everything I was feeling with links to sites, documentaries and peer review articles even how I had tried to suicide several times.
The days past and no reply. I hoped the email was outdated and she never would see it. Then today she wrote back a page.
She stated she knew I was suffering and was concerned to the point she did not sleep for 40 hours as she read everything and took notes on facts, research and the notion of brain structures. Like me she is academic and clinical in anything she hears so I know where I get it from now :(
This is some of the parts from her reply:
Quote
Hi D...,
Well I have read your retelling of "Artamène ou le Grand Cyrus" quite a few times to let it sink in and I think I now have the jest of it.
First up you are not dying which is the most important thing and secondly you are not an abomination nor are you French so these are both worthy of mentioning. Instead you were born with a genetic issue that requires some intervention and perhaps some new shoes as I will not have you wearing army boots and knee high socks :) (I am a nerdy metal head so she knows me better than I think)
"I love you [name] you are not a bad person, you are my child and you have endured more than any of your siblings and you will continue to do so with your head held height because it is what the women of this family do. So start acting like it. That said it is never to late to become what you were always meant to be...."
".... I thought I was having a chubby wee girl before you were born. Did you know that...."
All the jokes aside I love you [name] and I will be always be here to listen and yell very loudly if wear those obnoxious anime shirts. You are to be my daughter so you best dress like one and not a scruffy tomboy....
I am scared still but her reply even with jokes in it was not what I expected and I think for the first time in a few years I felt a small weight fall away.
that's good
;D Thank you.
I just got a letter today from my Psychiatrist Dr. Lyons to get my first blood test completed. I am kind of excited as it requests a lot of things on it from lipids to raw testosterone!
I still have 10 kilos to drop in weight but this has me excited to see what I am facing.
Quote from: Sarah leah on May 10, 2016, 05:41:30 AM
;D Thank you.
I just got a letter today from my Psychiatrist Dr. Lyons to get my first blood test completed. I am kind of excited as it requests a lot of things on it from lipids to raw testosterone!
I still have 10 kilos to drop in weight but this has me excited to see what I am facing.
Wow, Rob's changed his process some since I passed through. When it came time for my hormone letter, he dictated it in to his tape recorder during the session - no, the letter didn't state I was trans, just a good candidate for hormonal reassignment.
That was a Wednesday.. Finished the session, walked out to the front desk and got Virginia to book me an appointment with Dr Jones. Saw Rosie on the Friday.. Once I'd had the blood work done for her, I started hormones.
Sadly I live in a community outside of a city so just seeing a gp can be a 100km drive, which is why mine is a bit slower than others I guess. Plus I wanted to go slowly with it all as I felt getting all my ducks in a row was essential for my health. A few good things are I do not smoke so that is a plus or drink etc. I mostly just wanted to drop the weight, complete my degrees, get a job and sort out how I would make things function in my little bubble. Being a fulltime single parent with no support or family makes it a challenge too, therefore I have had to bite the bullet so to speak for it to work. It is frustrating I can assure you, but I feel it will be worth it.
Thankfully I am on my way at last so I do not mind waiting another few months to get appointments for specialists', although deep down I keep thinking it better hurry up :P
I had my pre hrt blood test performed today which was really cool and exciting to get sorted. Now I guess I wait and see.
I am very excited as I get to the endocrinologist in July in Adelaide, sadly I forgot her name but it should be a bit of an adventure in my little red sports car to get started.
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