Anybody here still identify as male inside ? I've been really only mostly interested in the physical transition aspect of it. I want to be as female as attractive as I can on the outside. After transition, hrt, surgery, etc except srs, my mental and psychological doesn't change. So more accurately I think the best way to describe me is male on the inside, female on the outside. I do not hate my maleness either.
I don't know what to say , my biggest fear and stress for a long period now is that I still unconsciously identify myself as 'me' , the old me , and sometimes I feel that that means a 'male' . I am definitely not interested only in physical transition , in fact what I want the most is to feel that I am a girl , a true one and just girl inside , but that puts me in a vicious circle , as wanting to be a girl basically makes me not to be one , especially in my messed mind , with its specific way of working .
I feel like I really have no maleness inside (by what I want or by the society standards), yet I identified as a 'boy' in the childhood , I got used to that , and now it is hard to find a way out . And even if I would have some male parts , I truly hate them , as they make me so much less of a girl .
And that made me think at some questions :
What is to be done if one is not happy at all with what he/she/they are ?
Should the 'cure' be like in the transsexual case , to bring the body to the level the mind is - or in this case - want ?
And even more , how does a therapist diagnostic or identify a person's gender ?
By : how the person identified her self from childhood ?
what the person wants to be ?
brain gender - digit ratio ?
personality ?
traits and interests ?
what social gender the person seems to fit best ?
..........
I guess they is the true possibility to be diagnosed as something different that you want , and that gets me back to the first question .
Is the initial gender identity one's get in the first years of life the real gender ?
Does the people always identify correctly according to the brain wiring ,universal valid in all the animal kingdom ?
Will the person would be stuck with it forever?
For example , they are men with high digit ratios and women with low digit ratio , but they identify as males/women anyway , no matter what gender their brain really is . Is the gender identity something acquired entirely in the first years of life ?
Are the non binary genders : androgynous , pangender, genderfluid some 'personality' genders or some conditions instead of real 'brain -wiring' type genders ?
Or they are the manifestation/result of an mistaken initial gender identity ?
Are the transsexuals fitting more or less in the binary genders ? Are the other gender variations possible unstable ?
I mean , in my case , although I 've always pretty much the same inside , some strong environmental factors (like a deep doctrinal religion , some close minded and abusive parents and maybe the fact that I was young and influencing ) stopped me from really seeing and allowing myself , the real me (not to mention about gender identity ) . So now I am scared in a way , that maybe in some other conditions my personality would change just a bit and the whole gender will switch .
I read somewhere that the gender identity does not change .
Does that mean that the people who get dysphoria later in live are transvestites - transgenders , not transsexuals ?
And what would be the treatment for that ?
There are many questions in my mind , I guess that is what comes out of a somehow sick mind and too much loneliness . I guess I still have a lot of errors in understanding the gender concept , and that is a huge obstacle in achieving some piece of mind . Anyway I hope I don't get anyone upset or offended , and please excuse my long texts , but I could use some ideas and explanations .
Every moment I wish so much that I would be a clear well balanced person (in my case a girl , even transsexual , I am ready to work and risk everything in transition) like so many I see around here , with so much confidence in what they feel ....
kind of curious why you don't want to be integrated personality wise. What is the benefit of being physically female and mentally male. I've been female mentally all my life and finally getting the outside to match the inside.
Hi
With an attitude like that, you're heading for a disaster. Exerting an inner maleness to the outside will see you being perceived as a man in a dress.
Albeit HT will attempt to rewire your brain, if you fight it you'll be sending mixed signals with your communications. Men and women think and express their respective ideas completely differently to each other.
Maintaining this attitude will only increase your social isolation as neither gender will be able to relate to you. I strongly suggest you take this matter up with your therapist, before it gets out of hand.
Huggs
Catherine
Quotekind of curious why you don't want to be integrated personality wise. What is the benefit of being physically female and mentally male. I've been female mentally all my life and finally getting the outside to match the inside.
Its not that I don't want it, Its just the way I naturally I am. I have no preference either way.
QuoteWith an attitude like that, you're heading for a disaster. Exerting an inner maleness to the outside will see you being perceived as a man in a dress.
I'm not exerting or resisting anything. My maleness is just the natural part of me. Well of course other people wouldn't know it unless they curious and ask. I do kind a hope that hrt will feminize my brain so that I will become mentally feminine and maybe change my sexual orientation to be attracted to male, this would make my life so much more convenient, but so far doesn't seems to change anything in that area.
I haven't found therapist to be useful. They are expensive and doesn't really tell me anything that I don't already know.
It seems to me, just my unprofessional opinion, that if you have no preference to having female or male physical characteristics why the need to go through a difficult process of change and adjustment. what's the benefit to be physically female if you truly want to be male
QuoteIt seems to me, just my unprofessional opinion, that if you have no preference to having female or male physical characteristics why the need to go through a difficult process of change and adjustment. what's the benefit to be physically female if you truly want to be male
I'm not really interested to be truly male or truly female or anything gender related. Ultimately I really just want to be happy and not having this issue.
I use my cake illustration to describe this. So let say I've been eating cake A, its good, provide nutrition and I can't see anything bad about it. Then later on come along cake B that looks very delicious. Even though I'm happy with cake A, now that there is cake B exist in front of me and there is nothing to prevent me to eat cake B, nothing difficult in order to eat cake B, now cake A is not enough anymore, I want cake B too.
Hi,
Just to clarify what I said, the fact your maleness is natural, it will naturally come out (be exerted) in conversation, thought and expression. This will create a confusion with the public as your expression (maleness) will contradict your physical expression (feminine).
Depending on the format and dosage (not to be expressed on this forum) of your HT will determine to what degree you'll experience feminisation. The part of your brain that determines and expresses your sexual identity and desire will take anything between 2-6 years to mature, under this rewiring process of HT.
One point that requires clarification is
Quote from: bingunginter on February 15, 2014, 08:26:48 AM
...... After transition, hrt, surgery, etc except srs, my mental and psychological doesn't change.
Do you mean; your mental/psychological attitude
HAS NOT changed after HRT and some form of feminisation surgery?
Huggs
Catherine
QuoteJust to clarify what I said, the fact your maleness is natural, it will naturally come out (be exerted) in conversation, thought and expression. This will create a confusion with the public as your expression (maleness) will contradict your physical expression (feminine).
Yes this would potentially cause confusion.
QuoteDepending on the format and dosage (not to be expressed on this forum) of your HT will determine to what degree you'll experience feminisation. The part of your brain that determines and expresses your sexual identity and desire will take anything between 2-6 years to mature, under this rewiring process of HT.
I hope so, I have been about 2 years so far.
Quote
Do you mean; your mental/psychological attitude HAS NOT changed after HRT and some form of feminisation surgery?
Yes, my personality, mental/psychological pretty much remain the same. The physical effect work really well though. Yes I had feminization surgery as well.
Hi,
Quote from: bingunginter on February 15, 2014, 11:13:50 AM
Yes, my personality, mental/psychological pretty much remain the same. The physical effect work really well though. Yes I had feminization surgery as well.
I think I'm starting to see the picture now.
Two remaining factors that will/should have a major impact on your perceived maleness are: hormone levels and SRS.
As previously mentioned the format, dosage and current blood levels of hormones will have a major impact on your gender perception.
SRE will/should play a major role in your physical/mental perception of who you are. Today without SRS, your inner maleness is validated by your physical male presentation. In other words, what your mind sees through you eyes is what affirms your inner male thoughts/perception.
Later, after SRS, your physical presentation should affirm whatever inner femaleness you have through the HT rewiring process.
I would be very surprised if your mental/psychological state id not change after adequate HT and the effects of SRS.
Huggs
Catherine
Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 15, 2014, 11:30:02 AM
Hi,
I think I'm starting to see the picture now.
I am so glad you are. I am still confused about this. ???
2 years of HRT and FFS and she still wants to be male inside? Help me understand this a little.
I am curious as to whether you are self administering HRT? I cant see a therapist giving a letter for HRT without resolving some of these issue's. Did you go "Informed Consent" for HRT? ???
QuoteTwo remaining factors that will/should have a major impact on your perceived maleness are: hormone levels and SRS.
Here is the thing though, I really not interested in SRS. I would not want SRS.
Quote2 years of HRT and FFS and she still wants to be male inside? Help me understand this a little.
Yeah this can be very confusing. I clarify again, Its not about want. Its the natural, the default me, mental wise.
QuoteI am curious as to whether you are self administering HRT? I cant see a therapist giving a letter for HRT without resolving some of these issue's. Did you go "Informed Consent" for HRT?
I started of as self med but latter on monitored by Dr. I'm lucky I guess that he is willing to help me without questioning much.
Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 15, 2014, 10:31:58 AM
With an attitude like that, you're heading for a disaster.
Baby, I have to go with this right now. You NEED to see a therapist to sort all of this out. Transition is permanent and you cant pick and choose what you want to happen as far as HRT. I would hope your monitoring doctor would realize he is not making things any better for you at all by just going along with these unresolved issue's. You really need to get your emotional and physical issue's on the same page. Please don't get angry at me for my comments as I would not be supporting you properly if I didn't try to get through how much you need a therapist right now. Please, please find one soon! I want nothing more than for you to be well adjusted and happy in the future and not be filled with regret for altering your body and having second thoughts about it later. :)
QuoteBaby, I have to go with this right now. You NEED to see a therapist to sort all of this out.
Yes, I've tried that. I've been to multiple therapist. I don't see how the new one can help me. I do agree with one of them, that whatever I do I shouldn't find the perfect solution, I have to make some compromise.
I don't regret anything though, Its just useless unless we can turn back time :).
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 15, 2014, 11:53:20 AM
Baby, I have to go with this right now. You NEED to see a therapist to sort all of this out. Transition is permanent and you cant pick and choose what you want to happen as far as HRT. I would hope your monitoring doctor would realize he is not making things any better for you at all by just going along with these unresolved issue's. You really need to get your emotional and physical issue's on the same page. Please don't get angry at me for my comments as I would not be supporting you properly if I didn't try to get through how much you need a therapist right now. Please, please find one soon! I want nothing more than for you to be well adjusted and happy in the future and not be filled with regret for altering your body and having second thoughts about it later. :)
Yes, I think your in an infinite loop. therapy would help
Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 15, 2014, 10:31:58 AM
Hi
With an attitude like that, you're heading for a disaster. Exerting an inner maleness to the outside will see you being perceived as a man in a dress.
Albeit HT will attempt to rewire your brain, if you fight it you'll be sending mixed signals with your communications. Men and women think and express their respective ideas completely differently to each other.
Maintaining this attitude will only increase your social isolation as neither gender will be able to relate to you. I strongly suggest you take this matter up with your therapist, before it gets out of hand.
Huggs
Catherine
Maybe the OP doesn't want to be seen as a man in a dress and maybe you know something I don't, but is there anything wrong with being a man in a dress? I sure hope you don't think so. Gender identity and preferred gender expression don't always have to match to equal happiness.
I do see how making permanent life changing medical decisions without a therapist could be trouble though. I would caution about doing anything irreversible without really being sure that you'd be happy with the decision.
QuoteI do see how making permanent life changing medical decisions without a therapist could be trouble though. I would caution about doing anything irreversible without really being sure that you'd be happy with the decision.
Agree, but sometime I can't never be sure of anything without trying it. Well I accept the risk.
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on February 15, 2014, 12:02:03 PM
Maybe the OP doesn't want to be seen as a man in a dress and maybe you know something I don't, but is there anything wrong with being a man in a dress?
Oh Caysee, please don't think I would ever find anything wrong with this at all. It just seems like there is a personality issue that could lead to tragedy if not discovered. I would never put down or judge any of my brothers or sisters here. :( It is just my opinion though that the OP has self medicated, resisted therapy, had FFS and is confused and unsure right now, that's all. That to me equals tragedy, if not now in the future.
Quoteresisted therapy
Just clarify, I'm not resisting therapy. Its just they are not useful for me. It could be useful for other people though.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 15, 2014, 12:10:26 PM
Oh Caysee, please don't think I would ever find anything wrong with this at all. It just seems like there is a personality issue that could lead to tragedy if not discovered. I would never put down or judge any of my brothers or sisters here. :( It is just my opinion though that the OP has self medicated, resisted therapy, had FFS and is confused and unsure right now, that's all. That to me equals tragedy, if not now in the future.
I'd never think anything bad of you Jessica :D
I wasn't saying anybody was necessarily speaking against anyone's personal identity or anything of the like, just playing devils advocate really and trying to make sure nobody felt that's what was being said.
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on February 15, 2014, 12:19:02 PM
I'd never think anything bad of you Jessica :D
I wasn't saying anybody was necessarily speaking against anyone's personal identity or anything of the like, just playing devils advocate really and trying to make sure nobody felt that's what was being said.
Huge sigh of relief, SSIIGGHH!! Thanks Caysee! Sorry it is just a high hormone level day here now. ;) Love you baby. :-*
Hi Caysee,
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on February 15, 2014, 12:02:03 PM
....... Gender identity and preferred gender expression don't always have to match to equal happiness.
With all due respects you would have to define what happiness means to qualify that statement. If happiness can be found in denial or conditional compromise, than well and good. I am yet to find a case where it is true.
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on February 15, 2014, 12:02:03 PM
........ and maybe you know something I don't, but is there anything wrong with being a man in a dress? I sure hope you don't think so.
In answer to your question, yes there is something wrong. That fact is borne from the plight of those that bear the public abuse and harassment that I know of, heard of or witnessed. I'm yet to see a state of happiness in any other those that are perceived in that way. Even the ones who have forcibly become recluse's to avoid such confrontations do not express any form of happiness.
I've been trained not form judgements. My expressions of these injustices are drawn from direct contact with these people who have been misgendered, defined as men in dresses etc. The psychological trauma and degradation that occurs from this is wrong. It's about time society rid itself of it's bigotry and hostility towards anyone of diversity.
Huggs
Catherine
Hi Jessica,
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 15, 2014, 11:34:23 AM
2 years of HRT and FFS and she still wants to be male inside? Help me understand this a little.
"Internal maleness" for want of a better description, yet to keep the understanding of this thread consistent, is driven by many factors. One's previous experiences, environmental, social constructs will have an over bearing influence on one's self perception. HT may alter this, but if the administration of it is inadequate or incorrect, it may have little to no over all effect.
HT and FFS, and even to a degree GCS are not golden panaceas to nirvana. In fact at times they can be the biggest detriment to development, either individually or in combination.
Hope this helps
Huggs
Catherine
Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 15, 2014, 12:47:40 PM
Hi Caysee,
With all due respects you would have to define what happiness means to qualify that statement. If happiness can be found in denial or conditional compromise, than well and good. I am yet to find a case where it is true.
In answer to your question, yes there is something wrong. That fact is borne from the plight of those that bear the public abuse and harassment that I know of, heard of or witnessed. I'm yet to see a state of happiness in any other those that are perceived in that way. Even the ones who have forcibly become recluse's to avoid such confrontations do not express any form of happiness.
I've been trained not form judgements. My expressions of these injustices are drawn from direct contact with these people who have been misgendered, defined as men in dresses etc. The psychological trauma and degradation that occurs from this is wrong. It's about time society rid itself of it's bigotry and hostility towards anyone of diversity.
Huggs
Catherine
I think I'm understanding what you are saying. Basically it's extremely difficult, maybe impossible, in today's society for people to find general acceptance from the public for an identity that does not match gender expression, not that you personally think that there's anything wrong with anyone who wants to do this. Am I correct?
As for being happy, I can't say for sure that I would be happy living true to my self with daily harassment and little to no acceptance from the public. This is what you are saying is the only way things will turn out for someone with a mismatched identity and gender expression, right?
I think I would still give it my best shot. Maybe it depends on where you live, there is a lot of genderqueer individuals in my city and none of them seem to be unhappy. Maybe they are just hiding their unhappiness, what do I know?
Quote from: bingunginter on February 15, 2014, 12:12:51 PM
Just clarify, I'm not resisting therapy. Its just they are not useful for me. It could be useful for other people though.
I've found a medical team affiliated with the University of Chicago that is nothing short of brilliant.
I've known a costumer for years who is basically a "man in dress". He wears lipstick, has super long hair, female clothing: shoes, outfits, nylons, had laser on his face, and in the summer comes in with the shortest, tightest shorts he can find and has no desire to transition. He tells everyone to call him his male name. He doesn't look feminine at all, doesn't talk like it either, he doesn't bother to try to pass. Now, is he happy? Idk, I have to think so, or else why would he continue doing it? I'm sure he gets his stares from people, and whispers, probably sometimes outright verbal abuse, but he continues on. So for him, being a "man in dress" is who he is, I guess.
Quote from: LivingTheDream on February 15, 2014, 01:52:08 PM
I've known a costumer for years who is basically a "man in dress". He wears lipstick, has super long hair, female clothing: shoes, outfits, nylons, had laser on his face, and in the summer comes in with the shortest, tightest shorts he can find and has no desire to transition. He tells everyone to call him his male name. He doesn't look feminine at all, doesn't talk like it either, he doesn't bother to try to pass. Now, is he happy? Idk, I have to think so, or else why would he continue doing it? I'm sure he gets his stares from people, and whispers, probably sometimes outright verbal abuse, but he continues on. So for him, being a "man in dress" is who he is, I guess.
there's a couple like that where I live . the man is the woman and the woman the man
I don't really agree with calling it "male on the inside" though I think I know what your point is.
For me, I am me on the inside, always have been, always will. How I present has little to do with my likes, my joys, my passions. They are as much, if not more, of my identity as my gender
It sounds weird wanting to go all trough that and still identify as a male. But if it works for you then great.
I have been identifying as a male for all my life even with all the strong gid issues going on. Just because things always were that way. My past is still a part of me. It took years for my identity to form. There are still so many memories and experiences. Avoidance and not dealing with it or having resolved the gender issues made me sometimes feel i have a hidden secret. It is very stressful having that much baggage inside. At times it made me feel like I had some weird split personality thing going on. But I am one person and I think all those experiences and thoughts are a part of me. I would consider what do you want from life in say 10 to 15 years. How do you see yourself and what do you prefer
QuoteIt sounds weird wanting to go all trough that and still identify as a male
Yes it is weird but I didn't choose that part. It certainly is possible to learn/train my thinking, my behavior, to be feminine but that's just too troublesome for me. Definitely not as easy as the physical transition part.
What I want from life? I just want to marry, have a somewhat normal family and not be poor. I almost able to do that but this desire to have feminine body is always bothering me. Not sure what to do with this issue, I end up broke up with my girlfriend. After some time being single, I decided to explore this desire, doing little things at times. So that's end up where I'm now.
What would I do say 10 years down the line ? If I continue, I almost certain I would give up my dream to have normal relationship, marriage, and family. I didn't realize that this is so important to me until I lose it. So yeah maybe in several more years if hrt doesn't feminized my brain, doesn't make me attracted to male, life doesn't improve much, I would consider maybe detransition while still retaining much of the feminization result. The ffs and lasered hair certainly won't revert :). I don't know, maybe this is the best compromise.
Quote from: bingunginter on February 15, 2014, 06:14:04 PM
Yes it is weird but I didn't choose that part. It certainly is possible to learn/train my thinking, my behavior, to be feminine but that's just too troublesome for me. Definitely not as easy as the physical transition part.
What I want from life? I just want to marry, have a somewhat normal family and not be poor. I almost able to do that but this desire to have feminine body is always bothering me. Not sure what to do with this issue, I end up broke up with my girlfriend. After some time being single, I decided to explore this desire, doing little things at times. So that's end up where I'm now.
What would I do say 10 years down the line ? If I continue, I almost certain I would give up my dream to have normal relationship, marriage, and family. I didn't realize that this is so important to me until I lose it. So yeah maybe in several more years if hrt doesn't feminized my brain, doesn't make me attracted to male, life doesn't improve much, I would consider maybe detransition while still retaining much of the feminization result. The ffs and lasered hair certainly won't revert :). I don't know, maybe this is the best compromise.
so what is it that makes you think male. There are mtf's that are lesbian. what kind of things that you do that seem so male.
What makes me think I'm mentaly male? My behavior, vision, thinking, all those things is much closer to the average male then female. Its true that there are mtf's that are lesbian. Of course with human there are always exception. Can I have relationship with lesbian ? probably, but I find that very difficult.
Quote from: bingunginter on February 15, 2014, 06:41:31 PM
What makes me think I'm mentaly male? My behavior, vision, thinking, all those things is closer to the average male then female. Its true that there are mtf's that are lesbian. Of course with human there are always exception. Can I find lesbian that attracted to me ? probably, but I find that difficult.
I guess for me I've always felt wrong trying to be male and do male things. at one point after high school I just rejected what I felt was male and tried to find my own way. I broke away from my male friends because I couldn't live in that world any more.
There are as many different ways to be trans as there are trans people.
In my case my core identity has always been female. Knowing this all my life while trying to fit into a role I don't belong to, male, cost me years of misery and twice nearly cost me my life. So for me there is no other choice but to bring the physical part of me inline with my heart, mind, and soul that is/are female. Having said this, and knowing most of you here are familiar with my posts and I hope with me a little;
I don't understand the OP at all.
Catherine your replies to the OP make the most sense to me. However with my core identity always having been female, and my desire to just be a girl throughout my entire life, and now that I'm finally getting the chance to do something about it and bring my physical self inline with my true core self feeling stronger and happier every day feeling female with never a doubt in my mind concerning my transition I don't understand where the OP is coming from. I myself am not one who runs to a therapist but in this case I believe therapy is definately in order before disaster happens. I'll keep reading as you Cathrine and others post here in hopes of understanding this.
Quote from: Allyda on February 15, 2014, 08:22:40 PM
In my case my core identity has always been female. Knowing this all my life while trying to fit into a role I don't belong to, male, cost me years of misery and twice nearly cost me my life. So for me there is no other choice but to bring the physical part of me inline with my heart, mind, and soul that is/are female. Having said this, and knowing most of you here are familiar with my posts and I hope with me a little;
I don't understand the OP at all.
Catherine your replies to the OP make the most sense to me. However with my core identity always having been female, and my desire to just be a girl throughout my entire life, and now that I'm finally getting the chance to do something about it and bring my physical self inline with my true core self feeling stronger and happier every day feeling female with never a doubt in my mind concerning my transition I don't understand where the OP is coming from. I myself am not one who runs to a therapist but in this case I believe therapy is definately in order before disaster happens. I'll keep reading as you Cathrine and others post here in hopes of understanding this.
yes indeed quite difficult
Hi Caysee,
Quote from: Caysee Danielle on February 15, 2014, 01:20:54 PM
I think I'm understanding what you are saying. Basically it's extremely difficult, maybe impossible, in today's society for people to find general acceptance from the public for an identity that does not match gender expression, not that you personally think that there's anything wrong with anyone who wants to do this. Am I correct?
As for being happy, I can't say for sure that I would be happy living true to my self with daily harassment and little to no acceptance from the public. This is what you are saying is the only way things will turn out for someone with a mismatched identity and gender expression, right?
You are absolutely correct in both cases.
And this is only a perhaps, as to why you see a lot of gender queer people in your city. I've yet to research this phenomon, but perhaps being in the company of similar minded people offers some form of respite from the indignations of the general public. Living in a quasi-community style as this, I've witnessed a higher degree of overall happiness in preference to living individually in isolation. Yet still there is a widespread deeper unhappiness under the surface.
Huggs
Catherine
Quote from: Tori on February 15, 2014, 06:51:11 PM
There are as many different ways to be trans as there are trans people.
Very true. As for me, I said "so long" to my male persona the minute I started HRT. It wasn't the meds that did it as much as my attitude and the realization that, for me anyway, my male persona was a manifestation I created to hide who I was to the outside world. He still fights back at times but I do a pretty good job judo-chopping him back down. I think of myself as female so much (although I rarely present as "female) that I sometimes have to stop myself from going into the woman's restroom and the other day when the restaurant attendant asked for my name, I almost said "Jane." Not that that would have raised many eyebrows, but still. I'm happy I'm thinking like that.
But really, it's whatever makes you happy. My girlfriend has a cousin who is all male but dresses female and a son-in-law who likes to paint his toe nails, so there is a lot of fluidity in gender identification--just ask Facebook (has anyone else seen how many gender options there are? I don't even know what they all are!).
Jane
Hi Allyda,
Congratulations on your tenacity to fulfil your dreams. I totally get you, I came from the same camp. I wish you every success, in abundance, for that unity and congruency of mind, body, soul and spirit. It IS everything you've ever wished for .......
and more.
Quote from: Allyda on February 15, 2014, 08:22:40 PM
....... I don't understand where the OP is coming from. I myself am not one who runs to a therapist but in this case I believe therapy is definately in order before disaster happens.
As I've mentioned, there is a substantial number of issues that determine your inner feelings. Some times they can build on each other to create the space the OP is in. Like a plane crash; there is no one isolated incident that has brought the aircraft down. It is always shown to be the culmination of multiple little incidences that just so happened to coincide in such a way as to cause a catastrophic event, resulting in the crash. So, in the life to date of the OP, there have been environmental, cultural, social, parental, family, schooling, health, work, relationship, diet, physical, emotional, spiritual, hormonal, genetic issues and more, that either resolved or unresolved have culminated in making the OP who they are today.
Who knows with the synchronicity of all these components, left unmanaged, what will be produced in 5, 10 years time.
Yes, and counsellor/therapists are an issue as well. My feelings are you have to search in order to find one who will respectfully and professionally challenge our thoughts and beliefs with whom you are comfortable with. Sometimes that takes a great deal of work. However I will borrow a Buddist mantra that states, when the student is ready the teacher will arrive.
I'll be thinking of you until you finally arrive. You'll love it!!!!
Huggs
Catherine
Yes I've been to therapist. They are no more helpful than just taking to friend. They unlikely to know me better than myself. By posting this thread, I would expect that from maybe hundreds of eyes from this forum/community, I would get better/different input than the therapist.
Quote from: bingunginter on February 15, 2014, 08:26:48 AM
Anybody here still identify as male inside ? I've been really only mostly interested in the physical transition aspect of it. I want to be as female as attractive as I can on the outside. After transition, hrt, surgery, etc except srs, my mental and psychological doesn't change. So more accurately I think the best way to describe me is male on the inside, female on the outside. I do not hate my maleness either.
Heavens.
I have the integration. And a lot of very good therapy. I am comfortable as a male socially, and equally comfortable as a transwoman externally at home. However the transwoman within is alway there, there is no fighting either way. I find srs attractive but not a deal breaker. Wont rule it out, wont intensly seek it, I am beautiful either way.
Crucial to have a really good, experienced therapist. I live to get an absolute honest relationship with my body and mind. I may or may not be different from other TS - and I am TS not TV, no judgement just my status - and hormones may change things. And my task remains honesty and no self deception.
I have no fear of a detransition, I know what is right for me.
I had to come back on this one. I am concerned about the therapy posts, therapy for me is the difference between cracking up and staying sane and honest. Dysphoria for me is hard to accept and I fought it for decades, not understanding it at all. When I speak of intergration, it just means that I feel what I feel, see what I see or see through the male presentation - I always see the woman peeking out from the mask I dont self percieve as male- , and I still enjoy traditionally masculine tasks. However, I know without a doubt that I am fundamentally different from "normal" men. I just like doing some of the same things they do. And I am no longer male anyway. And happy about that believe me.
Transition without being absolutely sure to me is extremely risky. To do it without a therapist helping with any self deceptions is real trouble - and my position is dysphoria is not self deception it is something much, much different than that. But not knowing what your spin is on it is not good. It has to be an honest understanding of your body, mind, needs.
So I am comfortable with stealth, but its stealth, the same core remains of the transwoman. It is very physical for me, but when I am in my true mode, I am very, very female, and very happy. First thing my kids noticed was how normal it looked and felt with me, how happy I was, and that I looked pretty.
I am always female under the costume so to speak, which I wear well. I try not to worry about it. But I am deeply distressed if I am forced to wear male undergarments or cut my nails, which I think is abuse, and the thought of having a male body for me is something I can't even stand. Even to cut hormones short for SRS is something I dont think I could handle.
A good therapist is paramount. The loneliness of feeling different bites, hard, and there are the blended folks here to support. I sometimes feel wierd that I can so easily take on the so called male stealth role and do it comfortably, while others cannot, but its just the way I was built. And I'll keep the therapist because I know that can change. Flipping through multiple ones begs the question "is it that I don't want to hear what they see". Thats a hard question. You have to trust them, and they have to be worthy of your trust.
I am attracted to my wife still. That's more orientation as opposed to gender identity. Its not male or female, I don't think. Its just me. And I am 100% girl on the sex drive front.
Therapy for me challenges the way I think, validates, questions, heals, got me my letter. I always come prepared with notes about what I want to explore, how to relieve stress, meet others needs, meet mine, reclaim the good things of the past and not just focus on the abuse.
Hope it helps here. The board is about helping people and not being so alone. I think being TS is kinda rough some times. And I think those living full time are very courageous folks and I admire them.
In time, I may go outside the door and be pretty, let them see me as "Joy". Full societal transition thats my name. But not now. Too much to lose. They will see what I let them see, no more, I am tired of abuse and can't take more psychological damage from those who are clueless.
So I question - what is male? Doing stuff male, or identity? My identity is not male. I just like horsepower and stuff.
Hope this clarifies last post, its a little long here. I worry about anyone not getting the help they need from therapy. This dysphoria is way too powerful to screw around with. Not yelling here, just being concerned.
QuoteI worry about anyone not getting the help they need from therapy
please don't, not everyone need therapy.
Btw to anyone, please don't think I'm broken or disintegrated, lol.
Its been quite interesting to see various response, some people are cool, supportive while some people think I need some serious help :)
Its okay with identifying as male inside.
Quote from: bingunginter on February 16, 2014, 11:52:42 AM
please don't, not everyone need therapy.
Btw to anyone, please don't think I'm broken or disintegrated, lol.
Its been quite interesting to see various response, some people are cool, supportive while some people think I need some serious help :)
Its okay with identifying as male inside.
this is true . whatever helps you live your life in as much happiness is your decision. I think the concern here is your not happy with your predicament of trying to be as feminine on the out side as you can ,but your limited in the satisfaction of that by your totally male psyche. Your say no matter how much you feminize your not achieving satisfaction to compensate for your male ego dominance. I don't know I'm not a doctor but that seems like one hell of a conflict.
Quotethis is true . whatever helps you live your life in as much happiness is your decision. I think the concern here is your not happy with your predicament of trying to be as feminine on the out side as you can ,but your limited in the satisfaction of that by your totally male psyche. Your say no matter how much you feminize your not achieving satisfaction to compensate for your male ego dominance. I don't know I'm not a doctor but that seems like one hell of a conflict.
Of course, if I can choose, I will want to be just normal cismale, or normal ciswoman and not having to deal with this conflict. I will chose that randomly, doesn't matter what direction.
I loled at the phrase "male ego dominance", seems like my male identity is something very bad.
Quotehow You were able to preserve strong core male identity while being on the HRT?
You mean how my personality, my way of thinking, mental stay the same? I don't know.
QuoteSo, maybe, You have changed, but those changes have not had chance yet to manifest themselves
? I'm not sure what do you mean.
I dont see my self as male or female.. i describe my self as ->-bleeped-<-, but that seems to upset some, but for me its the best description that comes to mind.
Hmm, I am not sure I see the big deal here.. OP- you sound like a happy individual and like you know what you are doing.. Though I would like to know what your definition of being male on the inside consists of.. Same for you ladies who say that you shifted from male to female in your way of thinking. I guess my experience with my significant other has been more closely related to the OP. My gf has been on hormone for around 1 year now, however the only thing that has changed is her appearance. She is quite happy and at ease now, knowing that she has the icky t out of her body. She seems to have no care in the world when she will go full-time or if the hormones will have increasing effects. She is just incredibly happy now. She has all the same interests and everything, same person she has always been. She does plan on ffs and srs one day, after she finishes with college, however she is not in a rush.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've seen no shift in the way she behaves or thinks. She is my same ol' booboo. I would not call her personality masculine or feminine, she is herself. I don't understand how to identify a personality as masculine or feminine. I know dominant or submissive.. but again, I don't associate those with gender. I mean, heck, I don't even consider myself to have fem or masc thinking. I used to try to define the way I feel, I felt like I needed some sort of label to describe how I felt, but I've found I'm much happier just being me, with no labels. I'm a human being, I don't want to be categorized like that. Idk.
I guess if someone could explain to me how the inner part undergoes changes, I would be quite grateful. I really want to understand, perhaps I'm not capable, but I'd still like to try.
Actually, I think you explained it quite well. Semantics can be a pain.
How would I know if I feel authentically female? I am not a cis woman.
I am me, on the inside and what I present to others is what they see. I do not get too hung up on it.
My self image does seem to be transitioning along with me as I am more and more often transitioning or post transition in my dreams.
The hormonal cycles of biweekly shots and the lack of T have impacted my mind, I really can not remember what it was like inside my head before transition... 3 months is not THAT long, but it is long enough. Spend three months in solitary confinement, you will change. Move to a new city for three months, you will change. Switch your hormones for three months, you will change.
But does that mean I have a female brain now? I have no clue. I would not fault someone for saying I do and I wouldn't fault them for saying I don't.
As confusing as this thread already is, I figured I would add to the murk.
Quote from: bingunginter on February 15, 2014, 08:26:48 AM
Anybody here still identify as male inside ? I've been really only mostly interested in the physical transition aspect of it. I want to be as female as attractive as I can on the outside. After transition, hrt, surgery, etc except srs, my mental and psychological doesn't change. So more accurately I think the best way to describe me is male on the inside, female on the outside. I do not hate my maleness either.
Yours is an issue many of our non-binary members deal with on a daily basis.
Quote from: muffinpants on February 16, 2014, 04:22:34 PM
Hmm, I am not sure I see the big deal here.. OP- you sound like a happy individual and like you know what you are doing.. Though I would like to know what your definition of being male on the inside consists of.. Same for you ladies who say that you shifted from male to female in your way of thinking. I guess my experience with my significant other has been more closely related to the OP. My gf has been on hormone for around 1 year now, however the only thing that has changed is her appearance. She is quite happy and at ease now, knowing that she has the icky t out of her body. She seems to have no care in the world when she will go full-time or if the hormones will have increasing effects. She is just incredibly happy now. She has all the same interests and everything, same person she has always been. She does plan on ffs and srs one day, after she finishes with college, however she is not in a rush.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've seen no shift in the way she behaves or thinks. She is my same ol' booboo. I would not call her personality masculine or feminine, she is herself. I don't understand how to identify a personality as masculine or feminine. I know dominant or submissive.. but again, I don't associate those with gender. I mean, heck, I don't even consider myself to have fem or masc thinking. I used to try to define the way I feel, I felt like I needed some sort of label to describe how I felt, but I've found I'm much happier just being me, with no labels. I'm a human being, I don't want to be categorized like that. Idk.
I guess if someone could explain to me how the inner part undergoes changes, I would be quite grateful. I really want to understand, perhaps I'm not capable, but I'd still like to try.
I'll try to explain what happened to me . Before I started HRT I was living in depression for a very long time to the point I thought that was normal. Once I start the mental change came pretty fast . The cloud over my future wasn't there any more. Mentally I've always experienced my environment in a way that seemed far more comfortable viewing it in away that seemed to be opposite of how guys seem to view things . I don't know if my mind perceives in a more feminine way are not ,but I know I can't relate to a guys way to look at things. The HRT has made me feel a femininity that I've never been able to feel before it's incredibly deep with in my being and quite wonderful. I can feel the estrogen flow within me. I have a sense of being more closely affiliated to sense of femaleness. MY body is feminizing quite well and feels different from the masculine feel of the body. I feel less fear of being less male.
QuoteI guess if someone could explain to me how the inner part undergoes changes, I would be quite grateful. I really want to understand, perhaps I'm not capable, but I'd still like to try.
While I define the inner in terms of personality, way of thinking, behavior, etc. All those you can't see. Some people define it way beyond that, it can goes into spirituality territory.
Some analogy:
Me as an rationalist/non-spiritual/non-religious person won't understand what my friend means when he said he is touched by god or his heart is filled with god. I wouldn't try to argue with that, I'll just asking for trouble if I did that. He probably too can't understand how I can live without god.
Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 15, 2014, 10:30:50 PM
Hi Allyda,
Congratulations on your tenacity to fulfil your dreams. I totally get you, I came from the same camp. I wish you every success, in abundance, for that unity and congruency of mind, body, soul and spirit. It IS everything you've ever wished for ....... and more.
I'll be thinking of you until you finally arrive. You'll love it!!!!
Huggs
Catherine
Thank you Catherine for those kind, lovely words. It feels so wonderful when people understand Me, as I'm not difficult to pinpoint. I'm just a girl with a few physical defects that are being resolved. Your words were very much appreciated. :)
I also thank you for the explanation on where the OP is coming from. I think I get it a little better now. Again, thanks. ;)
Ally
Hi Muffinpants,
Quote from: muffinpants on February 16, 2014, 04:22:34 PM
I guess if someone could explain to me how the inner part undergoes changes, I would be quite grateful. I really want to understand, perhaps I'm not capable, but I'd still like to try.
You may find these two books helpful. The Female Brain & The Male Brain by Dr.Louana Brizendine. If you follow the ageing process from pre-puberty to pre-menopausal in the female brain, you may get an understanding of the effects of HT on you.
Huggs
Catherine
This is the most complicated thread I've seen, but I am a newbie. I wonder if the concern is "are there conflicts with the plan that will sink it". All I know, simplistically, is I needed a whole lot of help to be able to accept myself, to understand my needs. I think anyone that is not conflicted has been blessed. I am no longer conflicted, I am at peace with the choices I made and the lifestyle I live.
I appreciate the thread it has validated my own course of action and raised a lot of interesting questions. It's going to be interesting personally to see what the long term effects of HRT will be on me. Like most of us, I am miserable without Estrogen, and happy on it. And the difference seeing my body beginning to conform to my perception of it is huge. I feel the shift on HRT, and it is not concerning, it is affirming. But its subtle.
There are a lot of folk on this thread that I consider to be heavy hitters and hold in high respect. I appreciate being able to listen in, and to participate.
yes , this thread totally confuses me. I've dealt with this issue in my mind since 4 years old. through the years I've constantly strove to develop my personality along the terms of what I perceived was a proper way to look a life. It turns out that I was constantly striving to not have what I kept perceiving as a male ego. I may or may not think in a female way I'll never know, but that doesn't prevent me from trying to not think as a male. I'm confused by this thread because the more I evolve physically with the hormones the more my physical reality appears to be feminizing and the better my mental reality becomes and adjusts to the process of finally becoming that woman I've wanted to experience since 4. I look in the mirror and thank god I can actually experience the female. I would totally be at a loss if it was that the more I tried in every way to physically present as female and all that effort was cancelled by the fact that my mind wouldn't accept the change . This would be devastating to me . There's absolutely nothing wrong with what ever person you are mentally but as would be the case with me that after all the pain I've gone through in my life to be as complete a woman as allowed I ended up feeling incapable of sensing some unity of mind and body I would most likely going insane. Of course if I chose to be this way as a fully physically appearing woman with a totally male ego , that's really my choice and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It just where's it's not a choice and your suffering from the condition then there's absolutely nothing wrong with getting professional advice.
I think I have a limited understanding of GID and a deep understanding of me. The amazing thing for me is that I was able to get the full comfort of the hormones, seeing the physical changes, and in my particular case not having to suppress anything. That repression came close to taking me out last year. I feel different from some in the forum here, yet the same- as for some reason I am quite comfortable stealth. I also do not shed the inner female body or nature - its just there, all the time, and it is a very physical experience for me. Its like being a woman wearing pants and doing a physical job. Doesn't make me any less woman to do these things, aggressively if need be, because I am very comfortable with that female identity. It isn't something that I work for, its just something that is. In my case, I believe I first transitioned in the womb on DES. Makes it totally natural. And I dont get read as transgender at work - yet.
Everything for me was getting comfortable in my own skin and self acceptance without trying to turn off my feelings both physical and emotional. Once I was able to do that, the experience changed.
But again, I am not trying to pass, its too much for me to try to handle. Comes at too high a price.
If I was, believe me I'd be working my butt off making sure I was the other definition of stealth, the perfect passing transwoman regardless of whatever male patterns might be interfering. Actually I dont' want to work my butt off. I like my butt now.
I look in the mirror and thank God a lot. Quite the gift to transition out of the pain.
So for me gender identity is an inside thing, not necessarily an external presentation. On the other hand, my greatest ease and pleasure are those times when I enjoy the full preop transition, and see the complete woman in the mirror.
But the other end of the spectrum at work doesn''t bother me as long as I'm still in the right undergarments and keep the nails, since I have a strong sense of who I am.
I probably sound nuts. I want to function in both worlds, in both presentations, with the same core, which is physically mtf female.
Again there's no judging or even recommending, its just an exploration of where I'm at in case anyone else can gain from it. I gain from everyone else all the time.
My dysphoria can take me out mentally in a heartbeat- through fear usually. I have never hit anything so powerful in my life. All I want is for others to learn how to live with theirs without pain. It took me 55 years to get here and was worth the trip.
Blessings to all... enjoy
"I would totally be at a loss if it was that the more I tried in every way to physically present as female and all that effort was cancelled by the fact that my mind wouldn't accept the change ."
What a painful thought. That would be awful. I have had the dysphoria very young, knew something was different, it goes back to earliest memories, to the cradle maybe. Its the "why" of not accepting that probably needs deep understanding. Mine was on religious grounds, and this is not the thread for that, but I finally found a way of accepting there too, on physical grounds. If there was a conflict between what I see and what I feel fully transitioned that would be frustrating and awful. Personally, my only discomfort is that thing down there, and I can ignore it for my wife's sake. I think I'm beautiful full transition. I think we all are.
The mind has a tendency to find the one thing that bugs it and dwell on that rather than the 99% thats wonderful. I like your pic. Hang in there. Enjoy your gains and the life you have earned.
I had a moment based on the "there are some mtf's that are lesbian".
Fits. I wonder. Also for the OP- is there also a male interaction in sex? I personally have none. I am all female physcially except non srs . Hence- hormones.
If there is male type sex relations, then I am really confused now.
Enough from me better to hear from the others.
QuoteAlso for the OP- is there also a male interaction in sex
Not sure what do you mean by this.
it doesn't matter. Personally I have no function with the wife anymore and when I did it was lesbian in my head.
Your thread wound up helping me understand some things about myself. I thank you for it, and the other posts.
Create another level of comfort for me.
I too learned alot from this thread. What confused me about it is I've always thought female, and known my core identity has always been female. Basically mentally I'm female and in many ways even before hrt I was physically female with thexception of what little hair I had on my face, my voice, and of course whats between my legs, which I'm now on the road to correcting. What I've learned here is there are many ways one can be trans. I always thought most were like me, fully female on the inside but with varying levels of male characteristics on the outside. Now I know that I should feel lucky, real lucky I know who I am and where I'm going with my transformation. Because not all of my sisters are as sure as I. I wish the best of luck to the OP with whatever her desires are.
Ally
Quote from: Allyda on February 19, 2014, 07:37:44 PM
I too learned alot from this thread. What confused me about it is I've always thought female, and known my core identity has always been female. Basically mentally I'm female and in many ways even before hrt I was physically female with thexception of what little hair I had on my face, my voice, and of course whats between my legs, which I'm now on the road to correcting. What I've learned here is there are many ways one can be trans. I always thought most were like me, fully female on the inside but with varying levels of male characteristics on the outside. Now I know that I should feel lucky, real lucky I know who I am and where I'm going with my transformation. Because not all of my sisters are as sure as I. I wish the best of luck to the OP with whatever her desires are.
Ally
yes to find happiness is of upmost importance
Like the OP, my core self doesn't seem to have changed much. And that caused me some confusion for a while - until I realised that my male self and female self were one and the same. I had always been my female self. There never really was a male me.
Another thing I've learnt as time has passed, I wear the label woman because it more closely matches my presentation and who I am.. Am I entirely woman? I don't know. I've also realised I don't much care. I am free to be me.
Quote from: kelly_aus on February 19, 2014, 08:20:02 PM
Like the OP, my core self doesn't seem to have changed much. And that caused me some confusion for a while - until I realised that my male self and female self were one and the same. I had always been my female self. There never really was a male me.
Another thing I've learnt as time has passed, I wear the label woman because it more closely matches my presentation and who I am.. Am I entirely woman? I don't know. I've also realised I don't much care. I am free to be me.
that's really how it's been for me ,I've always felt I've had a female psyche
Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 15, 2014, 10:31:58 AM
Hi
With an attitude like that, you're heading for a disaster. Exerting an inner maleness to the outside will see you being perceived as a man in a dress.
Albeit HT will attempt to rewire your brain, if you fight it you'll be sending mixed signals with your communications. Men and women think and express their respective ideas completely differently to each other.
Maintaining this attitude will only increase your social isolation as neither gender will be able to relate to you. I strongly suggest you take this matter up with your therapist, before it gets out of hand.
Huggs
Catherine
The flip side of the coin is that most high-achieving professional women tend to be mentally males yet nobody confuse them with cis males.
The threads have solidified my position to remain stealth. If I get called out for the boobs I'm blaming my DES influenced endocrine and nervous system. I don't have the psychological female core and thought patterns. However I assure you I am totally female in physical sensation and self perception. That's why the lesbian reference got my attention- I can strongly identify with that.
I am also unlikely to go for SRS at this point- too many complications, scared of losing my wife. But hormones are essential for me, and the dysphoria is physically accute. I can't even cut my nails. I'm serious- I can't bring myself to do it.
I sure as heck am not male. I just like doing male stuff, like race, ride, but not the heavier things. But when I see a guy, I feel nothing in common with them, although there is a physical attraction that I ignore, and it's not the emotional and physical one I have with my wife. It's all physical. Not clothes either, although I love them, it's about getting the right body.
I think my wiring stopped short of some of the cognitive things, and the heavy male conditioning did the rest. And a girl got to me first so that left a deep attachment. Could have been different if 1969 knew what to do with folks like us to help us. I have no regrets, at all, though. And I love being full transition when it is acceptable to loved ones. My wife and one kid can't handle it but my other 2 kids can. I'm lucky she can handle what she does see and feel.
I'd probably get read out there real quick. Strange thing is that full transitioned feels incredibly normal and looks so normal to others with me.
But I am HAPPY and I was never truly happy before, just driven.
Enjoy girls. Powerful stuff here.
Who knows where the future goes.
Would love to hear if the OP got anything out of the comprehensive posting.
It has done the opposite for me. It has solidified my course toward SRS after the hormones have had time to do their thing. It has reinforced what I've known all my life and helped me realize I'm doing the right thing to make myself whole mind, body, and soul as the girl I've always been. Believe me, I make a poor excuse for a guy anyway. Nothing about my body shape has ever been masculine (and I very much thank God for this) My continuing hrt and eventuall SRS will make me blossom. Might need Rhinoplasty though. Others don't think so but I think my nose is my worse feature, lol! ;)
I'm happy to share more background. This is what happened to me. The following may contains words that may off putting or triggering to some people.
Basically, I have two major sexuality, the normal heterosexual attraction and the sexual attraction to feminine self. My form of the second sexuality is vary but mainly involve cross dressing, imagining being a sexy attractive woman, fantasizing having sex as male, etc.
All along I never have thought about having any gender issue. I can relate with other male just fine, I have masculine interest, etc. In fact up until high school I believe I'm just as average as other male except that I'm having this sexual quirk. Then I moved to usa for college where I introduced with a wonderful thing called broadband internet. I began to explorer the internet. Some of the first thing I found is the collection of TG erotica, transformation story, caption, comics, etc. I got hooked with these things. Mostly got the sexual release in the form of masturbation. It gradually increase in intensity. Next, I found about transgender-ism. I started making connection with my condition. It seems to be appealing although it doesn't really make sense. I'm not feminine. I never want to be a woman. I'm not really interested to socially be a woman or perceived as a woman. The only thing that really appeal me is the physical transition part. At that time its so confusing.
I've had few relationship in my life but the problem is although I have strong attraction to my girlfriend, I can't seem to bring my self to perform sexually with her. I had a thought that I might not really a man or something like that.
After I graduated, found a job and become financially stable I started to think more seriously about my condition. I'm contemplating that I might be transgender. I have few therapy but left unsatisfied. I decided to take things in my hand and explore it little by little. After few years, without really seriously intended, I basically transitioned. Here I am now.
I realized now that the reason I can't perform sexually with my girlfriend is because I have been associating my second sexuality with pleasure from masturbation since childhood. No wonder the normal sexuality has very little chance to compete.
bingunginter after I thought I was beginning to understand where you were coming from, you have again thrown me for a loop. It now sounds like your whole ordeal has been some sort of experiment to see if, well, I don't know what if. When it comes to myself even as a child my core identity has been female, my thoughts female, how I percieve things, female, my emotions, female, in fact, with the exception of what I like to call a few birth defects I was then, and through the years up until now always female. I only pretended to be male (and not doing a very good job of it - hence why I was always a miseable wreck) in an attempt to please family members. Which I know now I was terrible at because I never fit in, anywhere. My depression and misery became so bad on two separate instances it came very close to costing me my life. After the last and most recent I decided enough is enough, and began living as who I truly am, a Native American Woman. Once I let go of the fake male persona, and I emphasize the word "fake," guess what? I no longer had any trouble fitting in. This was a little over 5 years ago long before starting hrt. The only times I get a little depressed now is when I think about all of those years I lost trying to pretend I was something I'm not to misery and despair that I could have been living happily as the woman I am today. And these are normal depressions like everyone gets when they think of bad experiences in their lives -they aren'y life threatning. In fact since starting hrt I haven't had one. I'm looking forward to each day and the day I'm working toward when I have my SRS to become complete physically and mentally, mind body and soul as the woman I've always been. Therefore, when you mention the experiences your having such as the statement below, I just don't have a clue for what your trying to accomplish:
Quote from: bingunginter on February 19, 2014, 10:39:49 PM
All along I never have thought about having any gender issue. I can relate with other male just fine, I have masculine interest, etc. In fact up until high school I believe I'm just as average as other male except that I'm having this sexual quirk. Then I moved to usa for college where I introduced with a wonderful thing called broadband internet. I began to explorer the internet. Some of the first thing I found is the collection of TG erotica, transformation story, caption, comics, etc. I got hooked with these things. Mostly got the sexual release in the form of masturbation. It gradually increase in intensity. Next, I found about transgender-ism. I started making connection with my condition. It seems to be appealing although it doesn't really make sense. I'm not feminine. I never want to be a woman. I'm not really interested to socially be a woman or perceived as a woman. The only thing that really appeal me is the physical transition part. At that time its so confusing.
After reading this to me it seems being transgender for you is some sort of experiment, one that could have very serious consequences for you if you do not seek help. I apologize to you and my brothers and sisters here for seeing your situation this way. I just don't understand what it is your trying to achieve. ??? ??? ???
First, I admire the OP's honesty, that took guts.
Second, I admire Ally's posts - in general too - since it is so transparent and a great window into what used to be called a "true transexual". I like everyone's posts its a great exploration of the truth about each of us.
I'm sitting in the study full transition. Female psyche in full play right now, it will flip based on social circumstances - survival instincts when I go out into the construction world in an hour, and to a redneck bar to sing later tonight in deep stealth mode.
Parallels with the OP: the trans reading site, which I still get a thrill out ofbut tend to avoid. And the sex part there turns me off its the psych part of the stories I find facinating. The temptation of watching graphic displays of.... preops..., is part of my story, and the reason for me? It was loneliness, I felt like a freak, and here are other girls that look like me. I powerfully identified with them, but hated most of what I saw. Not romantic at all. Yuck. I don't do that any more but instead of going to the boards, that was my original introduction to transexuality. I was afraid of the boards. I was afraid of you all. How foolish. How sad.
The parallel to the srewed up theory of autogynephelia sounds apparent here - I reject this theory although it can be a diagnostic tool in a hormone letter for someone not a "true transexual" to get us hormones. I don't even really know fully what it is, I was so disgusted by the assumptions and the stuff that does not apply to me that I stopped reading it. I do not self identify with that diagnosis.
With the sexual attraction to self - yes I have this but it has radically changed, was heavy for about 30 years and dropped now dramatically - which came about in a short circuit identity crisis when I looked in the mirror very young and saw a girl looking back at me, physically and to a great extent emotionally. I am still sorting that out, I was bullied into the male self very young. The more I look at true transexual posts the more I identify with them. As to my soul or core - at this moment I am all girl here in my study. It is far more than visuals with me its a state of being from the inside out, sifted through extreme psychological abuse from the past. And some from the present. Oh well I forgive them they are truly clueless.
Hormones, for me, reduced the libido enough to start feeling things truly without the interference of testosterone. It seems to have fundamentally altered the sexual perception of self - bringing that way down, and dropped the fetishistic element way down. Hormones are psychologically and medically needed for me. Hormones are handled by my very understanding endo guy who helped keep me from cracking up with referal to shrink and with an explanation that I am physically different from "normies".
I am physically and psychologically incompatible with testosterone. I cannot function as a traditional male anyway - I don't identify with them. I can look the part - I am a union actor in the legit stage making stealth even more imperative - I can draw on life experience to act it from the inside out - but my center, my core, is ultimately something I am beginning to think is similar to lesbian. I'll take that to the shrink.
No matter what, dysphoria hurts and fighting yourself is futile. I will agree however - with no criticism intended - that taking this on your own is like playing with dynamite. I was lucky to get a shrink that gave up on labeling me and figured out that it was hormones or insanity and gave me hormones, and we both know I am transexual. A transwoman. Best description of me, hanging out at a cis girls party and kvetching or competing with them has no attraction for me, I don't identify as a true cis woman. I identify with other transwoman, of all transexually based walks. (I don't indentify with male cross dressers at all.)
For the OP I have no suggestions or recommendations... I can only tell my story.
For you girls that were born without conflict or forced into male roles through abuse - I'm jealous, and I am so glad you are there for all of us that are in need, like me that got bullied into a survival game and bought into it until it crushed me.
Boy does it feel good to be in full transition at the moment. Its not sexual. It's ME. And I FINALLY can say in the mirror "I love you" and mean it. Wow is that a gift. I look just like Evie in the Mummy. I'm pretty!
I would be wise to NONE of this if I didn't have expert psychotherapy. My feelings on SRS may change..and probably will in time...but I don't think I could handle the public bathrooms and I think it would end stealth and threaten my marrage and my careers- both of them, as a performing artist and with my day job so I can eat. SRS is a not now thing, never ruled out.
Blessings to all you girls, you have helped me more than you could possibly imagine.
You too Allie you help me a lot. There is a lot of you in me but you walked a different path with better results.
You all help me a lot. :)
Self deception kills.
Hugs to all.
Thanks SatinJoy for those kind words. My only regret is I should have transitioned years ago. Wish you the best! ;)
Ally
Quote from: Allyda on February 20, 2014, 01:43:36 AM
bingunginter after I thought I was beginning to understand where you were coming from, you have again thrown me for a loop. It now sounds like your whole ordeal has been some sort of experiment to see if, well, I don't know what if. When it comes to myself even as a child my core identity has been female, my thoughts female, how I percieve things, female, my emotions, female, in fact, with the exception of what I like to call a few birth defects I was then, and through the years up until now always female. I only pretended to be male (and not doing a very good job of it - hence why I was always a miseable wreck) in an attempt to please family members. Which I know now I was terrible at because I never fit in, anywhere. My depression and misery became so bad on two separate instances it came very close to costing me my life. After the last and most recent I decided enough is enough, and began living as who I truly am, a Native American Woman. Once I let go of the fake male persona, and I emphasize the word "fake," guess what? I no longer had any trouble fitting in. This was a little over 5 years ago long before starting hrt. The only times I get a little depressed now is when I think about all of those years I lost trying to pretend I was something I'm not to misery and despair that I could have been living happily as the woman I am today. And these are normal depressions like everyone gets when they think of bad experiences in their lives -they aren'y life threatning. In fact since starting hrt I haven't had one. I'm looking forward to each day and the day I'm working toward when I have my SRS to become complete physically and mentally, mind body and soul as the woman I've always been. Therefore, when you mention the experiences your having such as the statement below, I just don't have a clue for what your trying to accomplish:
After reading this to me it seems being transgender for you is some sort of experiment, one that could have very serious consequences for you if you do not seek help. I apologize to you and my brothers and sisters here for seeing your situation this way. I just don't understand what it is your trying to achieve. ??? ??? ???
Allyda's situation is more similar to mine if not the same. I must admit I'm stumped by this situation. It's almost like your saying your and my situation are totally reversed . I lived with this male appearance that I'd prefer not to have and in the process of changing whereas you want the female appearance that's like my false male self only you want to keep it for you outward appearance and have your core male self kept intact. I don't know if I'm being clear though.
Quote from: stephaniec on February 20, 2014, 06:56:10 PM
Allyda's situation is more similar to mine if not the same. I must admit I'm stumped by this situation. It's almost like your saying your and my situation are totally reversed . I lived with this male appearance that I'd prefer not to have and in the process of changing whereas you want the female appearance that's like my false male self only you want to keep it for you outward appearance and have your core male self kept intact. I don't know if I'm being clear though.
Stephanie I've read alot of your posts and it does seem our situations have more than just a few things in comon. Picture this though: Looking more like a girl than a guy all your life, but being forced to pretend to be the guy. Yes I have the discusting thing between my legs and a nose I feel is too big for my small face but my general body shape has always been female. Lets just say I avoided men's locker rooms like taboo, lol! :D
I very much understand your confusion with the OP's statements. ??? ??? I'm right there with ya girl! However I am trying to keep an open mind. Close mindedness on the part of many is the reason being transgender is often misunderstood and looked down upon by some. So for that reason I'm trying to remain open minded. However, trying to remain open minded doesn't mean I'm having any luck understanding the OP's delimma.
Yea, I try to be open minded some things are hard to get a grasp on then others tough, all you can do is keep trying to understand things.
Quote from: bingunginter on February 19, 2014, 10:39:49 PMI have few therapy but left unsatisfied.
I am trying to understand you, really. This has peaked my curiosity.
Why were you unsatisfied? did they tell you something you didn't like? Did they not agree with your assessment of the situation? Did you just dislike them because of their personalities? Was it a financial drain? I only ask because you spend a lot of time discounting any type of mental health assistance to do things how you want to do them. I give you the point of not every trans person uses a therapist and can be successful at it. On the other side of the coin there are a lot who regret their transition later because they were not prepared for the challenges ahead. From what I read most of us who have therapy support seem to have more smooth and controlled emergence into the world without a lot of confusion you are posting about. I want to understand you, but it seems you want your cake and eat it to. Transition means to cross to another level, yet you want to cross, but be on the same side as well. Please understand I am debating, not judging. Being a Paramedic I know how crucial support is to a patient whether they suffered a heart attack, stroke, burns, etc. Therapy and counseling are designed to allow an outside unbiased opinion to improve patient comfort and recovery. :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 20, 2014, 08:58:17 PM
I am trying to understand you, really. This has peaked my curiosity.
Why were you unsatisfied? did they tell you something you didn't like? Did they not agree with your assessment of the situation? Did you just dislike them because of their personalities? Was it a financial drain? I only ask because you spend a lot of time discounting any type of mental health assistance to do things how you want to do them. I give you the point of not every trans person uses a therapist and can be successful at it. On the other side of the coin there are a lot who regret their transition later because they were not prepared for the challenges ahead. From what I read most of us who have therapy support seem to have more smooth and controlled emergence into the world without a lot of confusion you are posting about. I want to understand you, but it seems you want your cake and eat it to. Transition means to cross to another level, yet you want to cross, but be on the same side as well. Please understand I am debating, not judging. Being a Paramedic I know how crucial support is to a patient whether they suffered a heart attack, stroke, burns, etc. Therapy and counseling are designed to allow an outside unbiased opinion to improve patient comfort and recovery. :)
good perspective
QuoteWhy were you unsatisfied?
Because there is very little value I can derive from therapist. Its not like going to medical doctor where I explain them my problem then they can provide me the best solution to fix it. Therapist can't possibly know me better than myself. If I want to rant or simply talk, I can do it with friends or internet community. Also there isn't much anything new that therapist can tell me where I haven't already found on the internet. I found that the internet community is useful as well for therapy, I can receive lots of input from different perspective.
To other people my situation seems like a utter confusion. To me its just life. Its just a collection of challenge.
Like I said before for me regret is useless, unless I can turn back time to fix it. My decision I made is based on the the circumstances I have at the moment and I have determined its somewhat good. If in case its fail or doesn't work in the future then that just life. Failure is just part of life.
QuoteI want to understand you, but it seems you want your cake and eat it to. Transition means to cross to another level, yet you want to cross, but be on the same side as well.
Ultimately I just want to be happy with the least effort. I'm not even looking for perfection. Which side it is doesn't matter. Like I said I didn't really intended seriously to transition. I wasn't sure, so I thought the best thing to do is to just try it. Example, I do know that don't like my facial/body hair, alright so I lasered it. I think long hair is nice, alright I want it too and so on.
Quote from: bingunginter on February 20, 2014, 10:10:52 PM
Like I said I didn't really intended seriously to transition. I wasn't sure, so I thought the best thing to do is to just try it.
Baby, this scares the crud out of me. The hair on the back of my neck stood out and my blood ran cold. You cant TRY transition! You understand that HRT changes your body on the cellular level and some is not reversible, right? And you are doing it without medical oversight and routine blood work. Are you aware of everything that can go wrong with this? Don't say "yes" because I am a 28 year career Paramedic with three years of school in specialized areas like Flight Medic high altitude body response, mental health specialist and advanced Cardiac Life Support/Instructor and I am still learning about a lot of this. I will say this and leave this topic for good. You NEED to see a therapist before you permanently screw up your body. This is not a game, this is life and you are playing Russian Roulette. I just hope no one follows your advice and tries what you are doing with self medicating and Physician steering. I wish you the best, but you have been given excellent advice and have turned your back on it. I have no ill will toward you and hope you come out of all of this healthy and finding what you are looking for.
Quote from: bingunginter on February 20, 2014, 10:10:52 PM
Because there is very little value I can derive from therapist. Its not like going to medical doctor where I explain them my problem then they can provide me the best solution to fix it. Therapist can't possibly know me better than myself. If I want to rant or simply talk, I can do it with friends or internet community. Also there isn't much anything new that therapist can tell me where I haven't already found on the internet. I found that the internet community is useful as well for therapy, I can receive lots of input from different perspective.
And with that attitude, even the best therapist in the world cannot help you..
No, a therapist won't know you better than yourself, but you don't seem to know yourself completely right now either. You want to know the Numer 1 thing my therapist has provided me? Perpective.. An independant and unbiased perspective.
QuoteAnd with that attitude, even the best therapist in the world cannot help you..
Exactly, thats why I said traditional therapy is not for me.
QuoteBaby, this scares the crud out of me. The hair on the back of my neck stood out and my blood ran cold. You cant TRY transition! You understand that HRT changes your body on the cellular level and some is not reversible, right? And you are doing it without medical oversight and routine blood work. Are you aware of everything that can go wrong with this?
With hrt, I think I said it in previous post that I do have doctor monitoring it. Based on my experience, it is reversible. Doctor also said it mostly reversible.
Quote from: bingunginter on February 20, 2014, 10:30:08 PM
With hrt, I think I said it in previous post that I do have doctor monitoring it. Based on my experience, it is reversible. Doctor also said it mostly reversible.
Uh, I think you said you told him what you wanted and he just signed off on it. I am so sorry I didn't know you were an experienced endocrinologist well versed in Hormone Replacement Therapy, my bad. Is this the same doctor who just signs off on your request's? Anyway, good luck in the future and be safe.
My doctor is an endocrinologist. He has treat few trans patient before. I believe he is good enough.
Quote from: bingunginter on February 15, 2014, 11:38:36 AM
I started of as self med but latter on monitored by Dr. I'm lucky I guess that he is willing to help me without questioning much.
See, you did start HRT as self medicating and now you are being monitored by a doctor that doesn't question you. You need a good therapist with gender issue experience right away. There are several well respected responders to this topic who have been supportive and provided valuable life advice and you ignore it. I tried to help as well, but I am done now. Please don't ask and then try to discredit or argue with anyone especially when you cant even remember what you have said. I do hope sincerely you find whatever it is you are looking for.
If you have been on HRT for two years like you claim you do have irreversible changes to your body. No medical professional can say any differently. The damage is done and you will have to live with it forever.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 20, 2014, 11:53:04 PM
If you have been on HRT for two years like you claim you do have irreversible changes to your body. No medical professional can say any differently. The damage is done and you will have to live with it forever.
Indeed.. You are stuck with most, if not all, breast tissue that's developed.. Also, I'd be very surprised if you were anything other than sterile at this point.. I'm a little past the 2 year mark and I'd be absolutely stunned if that reveresed itself if I stopped hormones.
But you know what? You do what you want to do.. You are going to any way. I'm glad I won't be around to see this blow up in your face.
Quote from: Tori on February 15, 2014, 06:51:11 PM
There are as many different ways to be trans as there are trans people.
Okay, I'll try to get a grasp on this topic.
As we all know there's a persons sex and his/her gender. But I believe gender is seperated into physical gender and social gender. There are many females who study computer sciences or physics, who are good at fixing cars and don't really like barbie. Are they male or female gender-wise? Both. There's your physical gender. It's which phsical appearence you have on the outside. Also there's your social gender. It's what social roles you acquire and which gender identity society gives to them.
There are males educating childs, which would never consider to be female. Still they do a job which is socially attributed as a female job. There are also cis-females which are very bully-like, which is socially attributed to male. Still they see themself as truly female.
Are they worng?
I think the answer can explain the OPs situation. bingunginter's goal seems to be female for physical gender and male for social gender. Nothing wrong with that. It's just what many cis-females want.
On the other hand I might totally be on the wrong track.
I don't want this to turn into a meandering conflict . I just need to say with out causing any escalation in argument one way or the other, that psychiatrists are medically trained to see things objectively that the lay person is unable to recognize in casual talk. Things in one's logic or mannerisms that can point to conflict the individual can't see themselves . If I lost an arm in a home accident I wouldn't go to my neighbors home and ask them to get out a needle and thread and sew my arm back on for me. You have every right to do what ever you please . All we're doing is giving an objective option that my help. This is all I need to say and I'll leave it at that. No intention in other than trying to help by adding opinion.
QuoteI don't want this to turn into a meandering conflict . I just need to say with out causing any escalation in argument one way or the other, that psychiatrists are medically trained to see things objectively that the lay person is unable to recognize in casual talk. Things in one's logic or mannerisms that can point to conflict the individual can't see themselves . If I lost an arm in a home accident I wouldn't go to my neighbors home and ask them to get out a needle and thread and sew my arm back on for me. You have every right to do what ever you please . All we're doing is giving an objective option that my help. This is all I need to say and I'll leave it at that. No intention in other than trying to help by adding opinion.
Let say you going to psychiatrists and they say you are not trans you just imagining thing. Are you going to listen to them ?
Quote from: bingunginter on February 21, 2014, 11:05:13 AM
Let say you going to psychiatrists and they say you are not trans you just imagining thing. Are you going to listen to them ?
If it were me, in an instance such as this the way I look (cause I certainly don't look male), I'd know to seek out a better therapist.
I wasn't trying to answer for ya Steph, I just feel we're both on the same wavelength with this so our answer'd be the same, lol! :D
QuoteIf it were me, in an instance such as this the way I look (cause I certainly don't look male), I'd know to seek out a better therapist.
Yes, in a way its about subjective experience. You already know what you want to hear even before you went in.
Quote from: bingunginter on February 21, 2014, 11:51:06 AM
Yes, in a way its about subjective experience. You already know what you want to hear even before you went in.
No it's not that at all, what I meant was I would know this particular therapist is not very experienced with Transgender issues, and that I would seek out a therepist who is.
Quote from: Allyda on February 21, 2014, 11:44:04 AM
If it were me, in an instance such as this the way I look (cause I certainly don't look male), I'd know to seek out a better therapist.
I wasn't trying to answer for ya Steph, I just feel we're both on the same wavelength with this so our answer'd be the same, lol! :D
don't worry I don't feel that I contribute any thing any more. There is a mind set I totally unable to understand
QuoteNo it's not that at all, what I meant was I would know this particular therapist is not very experienced with Transgender issues
Even if they experienced with transgender issue, they might see it differently than what you want to hear. There are experienced gender therapist, yet they gatekeeping.
Anyway I'm glad therapy worked for you.
For me, participating in this forum, sharing my experience is a form of therapy as well.
Quote from: bingunginter on February 21, 2014, 01:17:19 PM
Even if they experienced with transgender issue, they might see it differently than what you want to hear. There are experienced gender therapist, yet they gatekeeping.
I think I see the light now! You do not feel you can benefit from therapy because you are upset one, or several, have tried to make you follow the SOCs and you are mad. Finally, now I know why you are so upset with therapists. That would explain the self medicating HRT as well. If they wont approve it you will do it anyway. So, my big question is why didn't they approve you? Did they indicate that they thought there were other issue's to work out first? Did they not agree with your goals? Did they say something YOU didn't want to hear? I would bet that is it. WHEW! I finally figured it out. Sorry it took me so long, blonde moment or something. ::)
QuoteI think I see the light now! You do not feel you can benefit from therapy because you are upset one, or several, have tried to make you follow the SOCs and you are mad. Finally, now I know why you are so upset with therapists. That would explain the self medicating HRT as well. If they wont approve it you will do it anyway. So, my big question is why didn't they approve you? Did they indicate that they thought there were other issue's to work out first? Did they not agree with your goals? Did they say something YOU didn't want to hear? I would bet that is it. WHEW! I finally figured it out. Sorry it took me so long, blonde moment or something. ::)
Not really, its because I don't have mental issue in the first place.
Quote from: bingunginter on February 21, 2014, 02:33:50 PM
Not really, its because I don't have mental issue in the first place.
Love the assumption that you have to have mental issues to make use of a therapist. Thanks, that's a really supportive kind of thing to say.
I have a clean bill of mental health these days, the depression I formerly suffered from is long gone. My therapist is my unbiased and objective sounding board, he also provides me with an outside perspective. Assuming that he is only there to deal with mental issues is doing his profession a large disservice.
QuoteLove the assumption that you have to have mental issues to make use of a therapist.
Of course not, it works differently with different person. That reason is my personal reason.
I don't have mental issue, I'm not depressed, I'm not ashamed with my condition. I know what I should do. I have friend to talk to. I have no lack of outside perspective. I'm not sure what therapist would do for me. If you find therapist is useful for you then good for you.
I was going to respond with something pithy, but I can't be bothered..
You are a disaster waiting to happen, I'm glad I won't be around when it happens.
QuoteYou are a disaster waiting to happen, I'm glad I won't be around when it happens
I appreciate your pittiness.
thank you assuming disaster is going to happen
I'm done with this thread. It seems the OP has an answer for everything. Well, if you know it all why are you even here? ??? Maybe you should start a blog, or....something.
I thank all my lovely sisters here for having better self control than I. Kelly your absolutely correct -A disaster waiting to happen.
QuoteIt seems the OP has an answer for everything
Lol no, I don't have answer for everything.
QuoteWell, if you know it all why are you even here?
I'm not welcomed here ?
Quote from: bingunginter on February 21, 2014, 03:39:18 PM
Lol no, I don't have answer for everything.
I'm not welcomed here ?
Please don't make silly assumptions, or put words in my mouth. It's rude and unbecoming of a lady -any lady. Of course you are welcome here. That's not what I said nor meant, and I think you knew that.
QuotePlease don't make silly assumptions, or put words in my mouth. It's rude and unbecoming of a lady -any lady. Of course you are welcome here. That's not what I said nor meant, and I think you knew that.
haha ok thanks
well. I'll throw my two cents in the ring. I hope the OP got the advice the OP wanted and the reason for the post. We are here to help if we can.
Quote from: Allyda on February 21, 2014, 03:37:17 PM
I'm done with this thread. It seems the OP has an answer for everything. Well, if you know it all why are you even here? ??? Maybe you should start a blog, or....something.
I thank all my lovely sisters here for having better self control than I. Kelly your absolutely correct -A disaster waiting to happen.
My patience is exhausted as well. After two years on HRT (self medicated) you are already permanently altered. That is a disaster and it has already happened. You are welcome here like every one else, but don't ask a question and then argue about the answers. Take the information you are given respectfully and do with it what you will. Many well respected and intelligent people offered opinions and truly tried to understand your position. You were not treated any differently from other members here. The difference is they accepted our advice and used it or not. You were given advice and told us how your superior knowledge was better than all of our advice combined. I really feel for you and hope some day you will accept any assistance to deal with whatever is bothering you. Until that time you will be stuck in what ever situation you are in. Just a word of advice for the future. If you are out in the cold and dark and a warm door opens, don't slam it shut before you go in. Take care and I truly hope you find acceptance with yourself and emerge healthy and happy.
PS-To all my family members here thank you for the suggestions you gave and the restraint you showed. It makes me even prouder to be your sister. :)
Quoteelse, but don't ask a question and then argue about the answers. Take the information you are given respectfully and do with it what you will. Many well respected and intelligent people offered opinions and truly tried to understand your position.
I'm not arguing. I do accept all the information and the advice here respectfully. I acknowledge that traditional therapy work wonderfully for them. I'm just saying while some things work wonderfully for them, it just happen that it doesn't work for me. I will have to try different way to deal with it. I'm gladly hear other input. I don't pretend I have better knowledge than anybody.
QuoteTake care and I truly hope you find acceptance with yourself and emerge healthy and happy.
Thanks, I do accept myself.
I'm just curious why exactly you think my life is a disaster anyway? Because I identify as male on the inside ? The HRT ?
Hi girls
I have run out of wisdom and had emotional recoil here. The emotional recoil is the fear that if binguninter is dysphoric, then our OP is at high risk, and if I give the wrong advice, I could cut her/him off from her main support system - this forum. That is unacceptable. You had a glimpse of my story, it was one in ten thousand that I would survive my 20's. This thing, when or if we hit the wall, is dangerous. It risks self harm in many ways.
I keep finding layers of gunk and fear that blocked my true self from coming to light, starting with acceptance that I am TS. This thread changed my center to something more healthy - the female core is starting to feel safe and another layer of denial is coming off. I just came out of an intense session dealing with physical and emotional blocks and got more healing. Thanks girls - all of you.
Be careful please Bing. The intensity of the thread is because we understand what is at stake - ALL of us do - and there are too many tragedies among our sisterhood. We all don't want that to happen to you - even if you are right on center, right now, we still need you to be safe. What I am saying is don't underestimate this dysphoria.
I wish you the best of luck, peace, acceptance, and the knowledge that nobody in here wants anything bad to happen.
Just be careful. If it gets tricky for you, RUN for help. If it doesn't, you are one very lucky individual. Heed the wisdom of the board, remember it if a time of trouble comes.... your journey is your own, you are responsible for your actions. The letter is about knowing the consequences of your actions and making a sensible decision based on that understanding. We know where you stand on that based on the previous post.
Please be careful dear. Don't walk the path I walked to get here- I had to get very drunk to come out and then who knew what would happen - it all get tied together and the root for me was trying to escape the pain as I could not accept my transgendered self in the early years.
Be careful with this dysphoria. I personally cannot handle it without help. Even now. It is overpowering.
Best to all here, many thanks.
So nice to have so much healing :) . I don't feel alone any more.
yet again RLE is proven to be a necessity :)
I must say i find it very dismaying how people insist on the need to categorise. I read the first page, and came across the comment 'you will be seen as a man in a dress'. Excuse me? Everyone is different, there are plenty of cis women who act in a very masculine manner but still identify as female. Are they perceived as men in dresses? Or perhaps the implication was that in order to 'pass' a transgendered person must fit in with gender normative behaviour. Tosh.
Skipping to the last page it seems that people have had enough of the OP because she refuses to see a therapist. Annoyed that she refuses to acknowledge that she is supposedly a 'disaster waiting to happen' (real classy with that one). Why is it that people are turned away in this way? Right from the get go, i HAD to go see a therapist in order to start transition, and i said to him matter of factly that on the gender spectrum i consider myself to be a masculine female. I identify as female, i believe my body should be female, but i don't subscribe to the whole 'women should be pretty dainty little flowers who should date men' train of thought. What on earth is wrong with that? and equally what is wrong with the OP expressing how she feels on a forum which is meant to be inclusive?
I am very, very, disappointed in a lot of you.
Quote from: Bardoux on February 24, 2014, 04:05:53 PM
I must say i find it very dismaying how people insist on the need to categorise. I read the first page, and came across the comment 'you will be seen as a man in a dress'. Excuse me? Everyone is different, there are plenty of cis women who act in a very masculine manner but still identify as female. Are they perceived as men in dresses? Or perhaps the implication was that in order to 'pass' a transgendered person must fit in with gender normative behaviour. Tosh.
Skipping to the last page it seems that people have had enough of the OP because she refuses to see a therapist. Annoyed that she refuses to acknowledge that she is supposedly a 'disaster waiting to happen' (real classy with that one). Why is it that people are turned away in this way? Right from the get go, i HAD to go see a therapist in order to start transition, and i said to him matter of factly that on the gender spectrum i consider myself to be a masculine female. I identify as female, i believe my body should be female, but i don't subscribe to the whole 'women should be pretty dainty little flowers who should date men' train of thought. What on earth is wrong with that? and equally what is wrong with the OP expressing how she feels on a forum which is meant to be inclusive?
I am very, very, disappointed in a lot of you.
Bardoux the issue is not with how or why the OP is like he is. Everyone to their own I say. The problem is self medication and doctor steering he is employing and the delusion that HRT is reversible and not dangerous. HRT is a very serious regimen and I state that as a professional Paramedic. Did you miss the part where he said he would "TRY Transition"? He makes it seem like a harmless game. All of us have advocated for doing it the right way with medical monitoring and support. How in the world can you be disappointed in us for caring it is done correctly and safely! We would NOT be showing proper support if we did not bring these concerns to him. The disaster we all refer to is the fact that more than likely he is now STERILE because of casually trying HRT on his own as well as other irrevocable damage. Does that not concern you at all? I think everyone showed a great amount of tolerance and caring in dealing with this topic. I am VERY PROUD of all here who attempted to understand the motivations and thought processes here.
Hi friends :police:
This topic has run it's course and is locked
Thank you
V M