i'm finished, kaput. i cant do it anymore. sure if i actually win this and get the money, what good will it do. i've already broken my rule again and went ahead and opened my drawer. i keep having these realistic future flashes and its leaving me on the ground in agony. my mind is more noisy than ever, my sleeping pills stopped working, and i can barely get out of bed. its not even depression for depression i can handle, but this, this feeling is something far worse. i'm going to go to my GP and say i'm done. i even started looking into electro shock therapy. i just cant anymore. i just want to return back to the way things were, when i was just a ship in the night, just passing through the crowd, when emotions and feelings and thoughts never touched me. i was content in the life when i didnt have to open my closet up. that time when pain was irrelevant to me for pain never existed in my world. i want that back. i just want my old life back
Hugs*
Hang in there girl! I know times can be tough. Just hang in there, we are always here!
i just hate being trans. i hate it more than anything. this vicious cycle would continue either which way. born a guy, i would feel as if i was a girl. born a girl, i would feel as if i should of been a man. i was perfectly fine before, i was content in my own little corner. why did i have to leave my space and go somewhere else knowing i can never find my way back
I hate it too Brianna. After going through the experience myself, I would never wish being transgender on even my worst enemy. But you can't let it beat you that easily. You just need to keep believing things will get better if you keep moving forward, because 99% of the time, it's the truth. It's usually the moment when you truly believe that things can't get any worse that they actually start to get better, but if you give up now you'll never get to find out just how much better they can get.
Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 14, 2014, 04:20:42 PM
i'm finished, kaput. i cant do it anymore. i just want my old life back
Be careful for what you wish for. Electro shock treatment is not for Gender Dysphoria sweetie. Where do you get this stuff? You need to lay off the personal diagnosis and follow the plan your Therapist gives you. You need a break very soon or you are going to totally crack up, if you haven't already. I am not trying to be mean here, but you need to make a decision and stick with it whether it is transition or not. Impatient or out patient therapy. HRT or anti depressives. You need to start at ground zero with a Therapist all over again and concentrate on making progress instead of this back and forth obsession. Electro shock! ::)
Actually... electric shock therapy isn't as crazy as it sounds. At least as far as depression is concerned. While in the past it's usage bordered on quackery, there has been some recent research (http://healthland.time.com/2012/03/21/how-electroconvulsive-therapy-works-for-depression/) that indicates it can be effective for treating extreme cases of depression. But, no, it's not going to help with the dysphoria, if that's what you were hoping for.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on July 14, 2014, 07:53:14 PM
Be careful for what you wish for. Electro shock treatment is not for Gender Dysphoria sweetie. Where do you get this stuff? You need to lay off the personal diagnosis and follow the plan your Therapist gives you. You need a break very soon or you are going to totally crack up, if you haven't already. I am not trying to be mean here, but you need to make a decision and stick with it whether it is transition or not. Impatient or out patient therapy. HRT or anti depressives. You need to start at ground zero with a Therapist all over again and concentrate on making progress instead of this back and forth obsession. Electro shock! ::)
we all agreed i'll go on hormones and take it from there because i can simple transition socially if i wanted to seeing as i dont hold a job right now and i dont have friends. whats most important is that i find stability and my psychiatrist has agreed i should start hrt. its not the process or seeking doctors at all, its because of the onslaught of my locked away emotions and those memories i sealed away from my past have now been unsealed as well as crushing dysphoria that is so unstable that one moment i'm fine and the next i'm grabbing at the ground trying to catch my breath but cant find it. i'm just a fragile rose and my thorns are just for show. idk, a break does sound nice, but if your suggesting the hospital, i'm afraid to tell you that even if i do go, i see the doctors, they put me on more medication and release me, it'll be the same all over again. i just want to forget. electro shock therapy i got off watch House M.D and the guy actually forgot. i see it as a curse, that i rather sell my soul to the devil than to be trans.
I've heard that electric shock can be used to manipulate memories, but erasing issues with gender identity would be much more complicated. You might be able to erase a few traumatic memories but you could never reprogram yourself to the point where you could change such a fundamental part of yourself. Maybe someday something like that will be possible, but it's not now. And is that really what you want? It sounds like you are spending way to much time alone right now. I know from experience, when you are alone with no one else to talk to, that is when you can develop the most self-destructive thoughts. How much time are you spending alone lately? Is there anything you could try doing to get your mind off things, and maybe try to make some new connections with other people?
NO! NO! NO!NO! NO! NO!NO! NO! NO!
Don't you DARE say you're done!
I'm not gonna give up on you! I love you,girl! I can't see my friend go through this at all I told you, to tell me when you need me,
I'll be there for you.
It's always gonna be "the grass is greener" scenario, but don't let that rule you.
I will kill you myself if you try electro shock anything!
I will be your rock when you need to collapse once in a while, but don't harm yourself just because you feel lost in the dark.
I feel the way, but I rather have a hard time getting what I want and be proud of the struggle, than quit and never see your happiness.
Sorry to sound so brash, I just....can't and will not stomach that at all. Life sucks, and unless we stick trying to be perfect to prevent the
pain, we will never truly understand how it feels to feel the sun on your skin.
I believe that you'll overcome this rut. I was there, it's not worth it to give up now.
I'm here for you love.
Quote from: Miyuki on July 14, 2014, 10:05:36 PM
I've heard that electric shock can be used to manipulate memories, but erasing issues with gender identity would be much more complicated. You might be able to erase a few traumatic memories but you could never reprogram yourself to the point where you could change such a fundamental part of yourself. Maybe someday something like that will be possible, but it's not now. And is that really what you want? It sounds like you are spending way to much time alone right now. I know from experience, when you are alone with no one else to talk to, that is when you can develop the most self-destructive thoughts. How much time are you spending alone lately? Is there anything you could try doing to get your mind off things, and maybe try to make some new connections with other people?
i just hate it so much. i would rather sell my soul to the devil than to be trans. there is no escape from it either which way i go. i'm usually alone 24/7, its just how my life is and when i do try to be sociable, i'm so awkward its a huge turn off
Quote from: echo_artist on July 14, 2014, 10:42:56 PM
NO! NO! NO!NO! NO! NO!NO! NO! NO!
Don't you DARE say you're done!
I'm not gonna give up on you! I love you,girl! I can't see my friend go through this at all I told you, to tell me when you need me,
I'll be there for you.
It's always gonna be "the grass is greener" scenario, but don't let that rule you.
I will kill you myself if you try electro shock anything!
I will be your rock when you need to collapse once in a while, but don't harm yourself just because you feel lost in the dark.
I feel the way, but I rather have a hard time getting what I want and be proud of the struggle, than quit and never see your happiness.
Sorry to sound so brash, I just....can't and will not stomach that at all. Life sucks, and unless we stick trying to be perfect to prevent the
pain, we will never truly understand how it feels to feel the sun on your skin.
I believe that you'll overcome this rut. I was there, it's not worth it to give up now.
I'm here for you love.
hey, no going killing yourself. i would rather you live than to take the fall for something i did.
Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 14, 2014, 10:57:27 PM
hey, no going killing yourself. i would rather you live than to take the fall for something i did.
I actually meant "I'll kill you if you do it" I guess I got over emotion while typing.
But dont do anything that stupid.
Quote from: echo_artist on July 14, 2014, 11:13:05 PM
I actually meant "I'll kill you if you do it" I guess I got over emotion while typing.
But dont do anything that stupid.
no, it really wouldnt work. this is something that ingrained into my very being. amnesia wouldnt work ither because i'll have that feeling of emptiness and the whole problem would start up again.
You dont have to let it be in coded into you.
You just need to run out of your cycle once in a while.
Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 14, 2014, 04:20:42 PM
i'm finished, kaput. i cant do it anymore....i just cant anymore. i just want to return back to the way things were, when i was just a ship in the night, just passing through the crowd, when emotions and feelings and thoughts never touched me. i was content in the life when i didnt have to open my closet up. that time when pain was irrelevant to me for pain never existed in my world. i want that back. i just want my old life back
Brianna
I feel your hurt and your pain. Seeing your Doctor and experts to help you deal with your depression and dysphoria is very important. ECT can work for some forms of depression (it has come a long way) but other therapies are also available. Dysphoria, in my experience, is ever present and cannot be denied. If you hadn't opened the closet it would probably have broken out in any case. You can never go back. You can only move forward .. one step at a time in the direction that you choose and own. Often the most powerful and most transformative experiences are the most painful, and the most sensate of us feel the pain most deeply. I only know you from your postings and you sound determined, a fighter and as someone who does not give up. Let us know if we can help and remember the past can't harm you, and that the future is a whole lot better place and is just waiting for you to own it.
Safe travels
Aisla
i was able to run from it before. what makes now so different
Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 14, 2014, 08:44:15 PM
electro shock therapy i got off watch House M.D and the guy actually forgot. i
Tell me you are kidding? You saw it on a T.V. show and want to try it? :eusa_doh: :eusa_wall: :icon_no:
Brianna I am seriously worried about you. Does your family know about these thoughts at all? ???
Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 15, 2014, 01:15:17 AM
i was able to run from it before. what makes now so different
I can't answer this. It is a question for you and your therapists to resolve. Whenever I have tried to go back and look to find the pleasure that I previously had in a place, with a former partner, a favourite novel or movie I have never found the same pleasure. I suspect it is because I have changed and I can't go back and others can't go back to who they were. Of course you may find that it is still a better place than where you currently are .. only time will tell, but it will be different from last time.
Aisla
if anyone found out, well i'd be pumped full of every anti-psychotic known to man. i keep them hidden and hopes that i'd just forget what is plaguing me. i even completely stopped wearing female underclothes, starting trying to walk like a dude and i talk in a deeper voice now, but its not changing anything. its only making it worse. i was looking at myself in the mirror and since my hair is growing, i dont look like boy a much and i swear my lips became more feminine. i nearly rolled into a ball and started crying. i have natural soft smooth skin so that serves as a big trigger. i avoid sleep now because my dreams have become so real.
Brianna
I don't know what to say or how to help, except say that everyone needs someone they can share their fears and their dreams with. You are not in a good place and need to find a safe place or effective support, medical or therapy if that works best for you Is there any one or anything that can help or has helped?
Quote from: Aisla on July 15, 2014, 03:10:04 AM
Brianna
I don't know what to say or how to help, except say that everyone needs someone they can share their fears and their dreams with. You are not in a good place and need to find a safe place or effective support, medical or therapy if that works best for you Is there any one or anything that can help or has helped?
its because i cant see my therapist every week. call it pent up rage bubbling to the surface. i have gotten comments and people asking why am i angry all the time even though i'm not but i'm being read as such. i guess i can act the part anymore. i'm just ridiculously exhausted. you all are a help tremendously for putting up with my ranting so i do have some stress relieved. i just hate the path i decided to walk. one little thing caused the dame to burst. that one little search and well, a door that shouldnt of been opened got destroyed.
Brianna
As they say if you can't vent with your family, where else can you do it? Venting is good. Much of the pain you feel has also been felt by others. Your experiences are valuable to many of us.
Travel safe
Aisla
I know the feeling. I was looking at assisted suicide groups and trying to think of ways I could get a hold of some seconal about a month back. Then - I'll be honest with you - about a week and a half ago I went to CVS and bought a bottle of aspirin - made sure it was the strongest dosage and everything. I went home and just started shoveling them into my mouth to the point where I lost track. I easily ate 20, but I'd say it's a safe bet that I took 30 or more. I didn't really want to die, but I guess I did. I took enough that it could have gone either way. I couldn't sleep for two days after, had a terrible pressure/ringing in my ears, awful stomach ache, and I couldn't stop throwing up bile. I did the same thing when I was 19.
I REALLY hate my life, simple because I'm trans... but I'm trying. I'm not going to try suicide or anything again, not until I give transitioning a shot. I'm really hoping to not feel this way in the future, but I guess one good thing to come of it is that I think I've reached that point where things can't get much worse. Knowing that does sort of make you feel better, like others have said. I'm hoping to get on hrt soon. I'm hoping things get better and I'm trying to keep positive in believing it will. I guess that's all you can do; keep keeping on, hope, and work towards a better life...
And we're pretty much one in the same with how things are going. I'm a horrible underachiever. I graduated college with highest honors and use to have a ton of friends. Right now I'm 26, working a part-time job where I make awful money, and I also basically have no friends and am alone all the time. Have been for years at this point. I've never even been on a date or held someone's hand, and I've been told that I'm a very good looking guy... but obviously that doesn't matter to me. It's like I can't function as a man, but at the same time I'm afraid that at this point I won't be able to function as female either.
I can't really vent to my family because it seems to depress them. TBH, I sort of blame them. My mother isn't a bigot at all, but she did toss around some "->-bleeped-<-gots," "->-bleeped-<- boy," and "shades of lavenders" when I was a kid. Not directed at me or really at anyone at all, just used as expressions, but it was enough to prevent me from saying anything as a child.
If you lived in Massachusetts then I'd say we should meet up and share the misery, lol. I feel like I can't even start my life, which should already be under way, until I get my mind right...
Ugh, Electric shock therapy is not used as often and most psychiatrist don't even consider it except in certain cases. Mine will not even consider it on any patients. They do put you under anestesia so it's not like it is a really simple process. It's not like you are sitting in a chair and getting shocked with low voltage while awake.
I hear you talking about therapists but do you have a psychiatrist? If not you really need to find one and try to find the right combinations of medications. Some things work and some don't.
Electric shock therapy is bunk. It won't do anything good for you. House is about entertainment, not serious medicine.
You may be able to "run away" from your feelings in short bursts, but they are going to come back. It's not easy, but you have to face them. We'll do what we can to help, to the extent the Internet allows us, so you're not exactly alone. If nothing else, you can share those feelings with people who also have difficult feelings on the same or similar dimensions.
I was ECT'd five years ago for beating the hell out of staff in a psyche unit to many times.
It was on the way out to a state hospital, the violent people unit.
I woke up there, I had no idea who I was even.
The psychiatrist later told me he suspected they had given me a massive bi-lateral ECT.
Nobody does this anymore. He looked into it, but couldn't get far with the records.
I still have no memory of the months leading up to it, other than a couple attempted suicides.
He thinks it was retribution for the last person I put out of work for a few weeks.
It was the only explanation for such a strong loss of memory, and for how long it took me to remember even the simplest of things.
It didn't stop the non-binary stuff that rolls around in my head one bit. Dysphoria at the time as strong as it ever was.
I still have years that I can remember only bits and pieces of. Even after five years of weekly therapy for that and my gender issues.
It works in the short term only in the way they use it now, and they do, just not as much as they used to.
If I wanted, I could simply request it and I would receive a unilateral ECT, but it wouldn't do much except MAYBE drop the depression levels down a notch or two.
It's the only safe way to use it, and it's usually a last resort kind of thing.
I can get more simply because I have had one already, makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?
I would never ever do that, the memory loss isn't a vacation from your troubles, it leaves you empty feeling and wondering all the time.
That same psychiatrist, who had seen a lifetime of people who had ECT's done to them, suspects that I had numerous ones in the past.
Which makes sense, it's a lot of the time after I may have had them that I can't remember. Which can and does happen.
But I do remember why I may have had them, only I can't remember much from right at the time, but the previous stuff, I can remember it now.
It was severe trauma on top of the ECT's and they would have used bi-lateral ones back then. They cause the worse memory loss's.
It took five fricken years to figure that out. And now I can't get those damn memories out of my head.
More therapy for those now....
You just get with the program and find your way through to getting the HRT you set out to get.
You're not the only person who has had to go through crap just to get them.
They hand them out like candy compared to what you could have gotten even five years ago.
I should have found out about them four decades ago, my life would have been very different.
A lot of people here have been giving you good advice, people who have had just as many problems if not more than you.
You're wise to have settled down to a low roar now, so think things through, you certainly seem capable enough to do that.
You were one step away, or so you thought. You're still only one step away, think about it.
You've lost a few weeks, not a big deal considering how long it took you to even get to this point.
Get it straightened out, follow the right steps and don't think you can shortcut any of it.
Stick with the plan, it's still working. That's half the problem, you're skipping all over the place.
It isn't the end of the world, it's just the next step in your life. Use it wisely. Take the time it deserves to happen.
Ativan
my desire to have my old life back, to forget about being trans, to forget about being dysphoric is stemming from my inability to find a proper footing. i now started to talk and work things out with my therapist when i see him, i started biking again, running and i might go back to swimming though frankly i dont think that would be such a good idea right now, but i will have a discussion about that with my therapist and see what he says, and on request of my therapist, i started writing again. none of this is coming from the angle of not being on hormones. i know i'm all over the place but thats due to my emotional roller coaster so that really isnt my fault. i'm continuing to make the steps needed. i just yearn for my old life more than i do for what my future could be
There's no fault here or there. That's a waste of time and energy to place blame.
Things went wrong, they seem to do that sometimes. Sometimes there's an abundance of it.
It can become overwhelming, disorienting and distorting your outlook.
Stepping back and reorganizing is a smart thing to do when you can't find your way through the mess that life can become.
We all do this, it can be a necessary thing to do.
Trying to bulldoze your way through doesn't always work.
There is nothing wrong with retreating, so long as you don't needlessly surrender.
Restock, resupply as you need to. That's something we all do at times.
I'm glad that you're kicking back and re-examining what your priorities are for the time being.
It's a smart move on your part.
Biking, running, swimming, and writing again? Sounds like a plan to get back on course to me.
I wish I could still run, but a bad knee holds me back, for now. I loved running...
I'm might be getting a new kayak this week. I have two small dams that need going over, nothing too high, a river to run.
It's running at it's highest in a few years, it should be sufficiently fun enough to put a new spin back on life again.
Maybe earning me some more grey hairs, my reward for making it this far.
It's the kind of thing that I need to step back and look at first, so I can take it head-on.
I hope you find what you need and are looking for, too.
I think you will. You have a plan as well...
Ativan
Brianna:
Do you think you have it hard?
When Cher sings her half breed song, she is speaking the truth, The Cherokee say she is white by Indian law and to the whites she is just an Indian squaw. I'm English and Irish on my fathers side. On my mother's side I'm Swiss,Bohemian,Austrian, and Jewish. Most people when finding out about my heritage go on their way or say my relatives played around too much,both ignoring me. Half my relatives are Protestant and the other half Catholic. By The way I'm also transgendered. Please don't let the world get to you. The only people that should matter to you are those who care for you. And there are.
BY the way Electric shock therapy has caused people to lose their mind and live like zombies.(read about it somewhere)
P.S. Feeling sorry for yourself doesn't help much. So Please love YOURSELF
Missing your old life for the convenience it gave you, the wool pulled over your eyes so you could not see who you really are...
The kind of blindness that leaves you blissfully unaware of the problems bubbling underneath the surface...
Surely, if you were to continue your old life to the utmost, that you would be in a worse off position than you are now?
You were living a lie and now the truth has burst out of the closet, it hurts.
Yes, the truth will always hurt, my dear.
But do not be afraid, do not turn the other cheek, for it is the truth that will set you free, letting you spread your wings to fly.
Acceptance of yourself and allowing yourself to grieve over your past will help smooth over this obstacle in your path.
You will not have an easy path ahead of you, neither any one of us here does - but please remember, you have the support of this community behind you.
The future may look uncertain and dark but you are not alone.
You will never be alone.
Quote from: EchelonHunt on July 17, 2014, 09:33:24 AM
Missing your old life for the convenience it gave you, the wool pulled over your eyes so you could not see who you really are...
The kind of blindness that leaves you blissfully unaware of the problems bubbling underneath the surface...
*This.
It isn't very hard to see that there is more to this than what you let on or may even realize.
It leaves me more concerned than your difficulties with HRT and now you're giving up on what you have already worked for.
The answers you seek, beyond the attention you crave are abundant, yet you run away from them,... Why?
I have to ask myself the question and so should you, what is this really about?
Not the superficial comments of this and that, but the reason you even bring them up in various ways...
If you don't want to take and use the advice you're getting, even to consider it, consider that the problem runs deeper than you know.
I did get the kayak yesterday. Now to look over the satellite views of miles of river with very few access points along the way, again.
Very few places to seek help along the way should anything go wrong. Escape routes on land planned out, should I need them.
Where the river will run faster as it narrows and where it will run slower as it widens. This is all useful information.
I'll finalize my plans as best I can and know where to go should things suddenly change and a different plan needs to be made.
I think my cell phone will stay in range, but I won't rely on it. My decisions will always be to move forward, to flow with the river.
I'll stop and rest if need be, but there is no turning back, only a long walk carrying the load I ride in, the things I carry, should I change my mind.
Such is life. We get back what we put into it. Even if it means plunging headfirst into it after going over a fall.
I know my limits, I choose to step past them at times, it's how I still grow after all these years of trying to just be me.
I've also learned to use safety equipment, but to not have to rely on them, only hope at best that they will keep me a little safer.
Such is life. I have a lot of stories I could tell, none of them as important as anyone elses. But they are to me, they are mine.
I earned them, I took my path a step further than I needed to. I'm glad I did. I overcame the fear of living by facing death.
Both others and mine. I chose to step over it, around it, to move beyond it. Yet it's a constant companion on my path, now.
But it was nothing more than taking one more step, each one a step further than I thought I should and could. That's my plan.
It's worked pretty well over the last six decades. Lot's of refining and redefining. I think I'll stick with it. Such is life.
Ativan
maybe i'm being shallow again. i know i'm running away and not because i cant get HRT because i can, its just, guilt is eating me away even more. just last night we went out to get junk food and my mother met up with an old friend. it was like she was so proud to finally have 2 sons and 2 daughters, it ate at me more than usual. its like i'm destroying that dream of hers she had the day i even stepped into her home and became part of the family. even the pleading from her not to get surgery done or that she wants me to just live as i am. i've been feeling very triggered lately and i can say after last week, it has gotten to a point i even thought about suicide. if i go back to my old life, maybe i could live longer and learn to be happy or at least fake it to the point my brain surrenders.
I get that, I understand it in my own way.
The sense of responsibility to live up to a mothers idea of who you should be.
You can do that, and know that you made her happy in the way she knows you.
I had to go through some of that with my mother. It was hard to live up to expectations.
Society dictates that you do...
Your sense of self tells you otherwise.
My mother accepted me and my lifestyle after a while.
The more she learned, the more she accepted, the more freedom it brought to her.
She told me one day that when she finally considered what I had to say, it made sense to her.
It changed her thinking enough for her to accept a lot of things she wouldn't have, otherwise.
In allowing me to grow and to be me, she allowed herself to do the same for the things she wanted out of life.
She gained a sense of freedom that allowed me to have mine as well.
We all have our triggers. I have ones that bring on the thoughts of suicide that I used to have.
That can also bring on the thoughts out of the past, that I wish I could go back to at times.
My heart aches for the memories of when my girls were young and we were a family.
But I lost that years ago and we were separated because of their mother and her beliefs that had grown differently than mine.
They're grown now, one is on her own the other one not far behind. I'm proud of what they have accomplished.
That past is gone, how can I go back there? It would be really nice if I could. But I wouldn't even try if it were possible.
I would be in an endless cycle of going from there to here and back again, always knowing it's going to happen again.
Trying to force your life to fit expectations is a dangerous game, one that will always fail, you will never be the self you know.
What can we do to help you find a better path to take, one that is yours, one that you will grow by taking?
I ask these questions to myself and to others...
What are you going to do today? What is the next step that can be taken? What is needed to move forward?
You can't fake a life, it won't let you. You will always be standing at the edge of the next step forward.
What are you going to do today?
I'm going to go and fit my new kayak to me, make the adjustments to make it fit me.
I'm going to think about what I have it for, it scares me.
There's a sense of freedom that goes with being scared.
Because I know I can and will, step past it, step past that line, the edge.
Even though a part of me tells me to play it safe, don't step over the edge.
If I don't, that sense of freedom will fade, I know it will. I've done that before.
But I've learned to step past the fear, to step out of my comfort zone and into my life.
Ill tell my mother about it the next time I talk to her. She understands what that freedom is.
Ativan
Brianna:
Is it really love, if your Mom wants you to be a boy when you are a girl on the inside. You would be living a lie if you try live your life if others expect you to be a boy. Eventually you will end up killing yourself, take drugs, get drunk. By the way both drugs and/or getting drunk can kill you.You should love yourself on who you are on the inside. When your Mom knows who you are she will accept you, if she truly loves you. What if you had a genetic condition where you would get MS. Would your Mom throw you out? Would that be your Mom loving you? I don't think so. She would love you and take care of you.
If there was a pill that would destroy being transgender but if the world(also your mom) would say its OK to be transgender would you take that pill?
Quote from: janetcgtv on July 17, 2014, 04:16:07 PM
Brianna:
Is it really love, if your Mom wants you to be a boy when you are a girl on the inside. You would be living a lie if you try live your life if others expect you to be a boy. Eventually you will end up killing yourself, take drugs, get drunk. By the way both drugs and/or getting drunk can kill you.You should love yourself on who you are on the inside. When your Mom knows who you are she will accept you, if she truly loves you. What if you had a genetic condition where you would get MS. Would your Mom throw you out? Would that be your Mom loving you? I don't think so. She would love you and take care of you.
If there was a pill that would destroy being transgender but if the world(also your mom) would say its OK to be transgender would you take that pill?
well she did say as long as i know what i'm getting to and its something i really must do. if there was a pill like that, i would take it but i dont think it would help since its so far deeply ingrained that i'll feel like there is most of me missing. i pass all the time on the phone, if i have my hood up and no one can see my face, its easy to mistake me for a girl and even without my hood, if i posture myself a certain way and have my hair a certain way, i can pass because of my voice. when i'm in boy mode, i feel like i'm sitting on a throne where nothing can touch me, but when i'm in girl mode, i feel like a stranger. dont be mistaken because when i do go girl mode, 'm more outgoing, more talkative, i have more energy, i feel as if i can tackle the world, but i'm more emotional to the point i would cry from just a single word. i become afraid of things i'm normal not scared of such as 8 legged creatures like spiders or no legged creatures like slugs. in boy mode, i'm not scared of anything, i'm highly apathetic, i'm more angry, i prefer to be alone and i'm less likely to want to get out of bed. with that said, either way, i dont feel like i belong at all
I'm not sure what others have told you or how you got to "now." It's never my recommendation to transition or get treatment outside of therapy. In short it might be a great idea to live as close to happy as you can get going forward. To me it's distressing that there is no fully going back, and if taking normal HT, sterility etc. That's a high price to pay for learning that oneself isn't really going to be better off transitioned. The catch is "successful" transition has documentable costs too. It comes back to: don't do it if you don't have to.
Quote from: Missy~rmdlm on July 17, 2014, 05:22:55 PM
I'm not sure what others have told you or how you got to "now." It's never my recommendation to transition or get treatment outside of therapy. In short it might be a great idea to live as close to happy as you can get going forward. To me it's distressing that there is no fully going back, and if taking normal HT, sterility etc. That's a high price to pay for learning that oneself isn't really going to be better off transitioned. The catch is "successful" transition has documentable costs too. It comes back to: don't do it if you don't have to.
YES! YES! YES! :)
Brianna you are not anywhere close to being able to have a successful transition in my humble opinion. You have a LOT that needs to be worked out before HRT is even considered. If you are this conflicted now how in the world could you handle this plus the new experiences and emotions of HRT thrown into it? You really need to put any thoughts of HRT on the back shelf for now. I have always tried to support you here and in PMs and part of supporting you is bringing out realistic expectations. Until your emotional state is a lot more stable you need to concentrate on them and nothing else right now. When you are more stable, yes, go for it, but not right this minute. :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on July 17, 2014, 05:36:11 PM
YES! YES! YES! :)
Brianna you are not anywhere close to being able to have a successful transition in my humble opinion. You have a LOT that needs to be worked out before HRT is even considered. If you are this conflicted now how in the world could you handle this plus the new experiences and emotions of HRT thrown into it? You really need to put any thoughts of HRT on the back shelf for now. I have always tried to support you here and in PMs and part of supporting you is bringing out realistic expectations. Until your emotional state is a lot more stable you need to concentrate on them and nothing else right now. When you are more stable, yes, go for it, but not right this minute. :)
i'm well aware of that thus why i'm deciding to choice personal comfort or at least what i see as comfort over what would be personal happiness. bummer really but i rather stay off this roller coaster. i'm not even going to start from the beginning. i'm just going to move on and just go for other issues i'm dealing with
Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 17, 2014, 05:38:27 PM
i'm well aware of that thus why i'm deciding to choice personal comfort or at least what i see as comfort over what would be personal happiness. bummer really but i rather stay off this roller coaster. i'm not even going to start from the beginning. i'm just going to move on and just go for other issues i'm dealing with
So does this mean you are no longer considering transition? ???
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on July 17, 2014, 05:40:39 PM
So does this mean you are no longer considering transition? ???
i'm only going to keep my appointment by recommendation that i at least give it a shot ans see how i feel. other than that, no, i'm no longer considering transitioning, well thats what i want to tell myself. i'm tired of the emotional roller coaster and i'm just not up to the task. if it was a choice of staying invisible and not feeling pain and feeling pain and being happy, well, the choice is painfully clear. if digging into my other issues i have to work on just to mask being trans, i will do that. but of course it will only worsen so i'll find other issues to work on, i'll go running, force myself to swim without a shirt. anything it takes to keep my mind of it, i will do
Girl,
You seriously need to find a good therapist to help you work through your issues.
Seems you are wavering way to much and that in its self makes the waves of depression and emotions worst.
You truly need the help making a realistic plan that will help you settle your mind out.
There is no easy answers, no short cuts.
We all have done the time to come to these understandings and some will always need the extra help and there is nothing wrong with that.
Talk to your therapist please.
Hugs
Isabell
Quote from: mind is quiet now on July 17, 2014, 07:23:18 PM
Girl,
You seriously need to find a good therapist to help you work through your issues.
Seems you are wavering way to much and that in its self makes the waves of depression and emotions worst.
You truly need the help making a realistic plan that will help you settle your mind out.
There is no easy answers, no short cuts.
We all have done the time to come to these understandings and some will always need the extra help and there is nothing wrong with that.
Talk to your therapist please.
Hugs
Isabell
i'll have a serious talk with my therapist when i see him, but i already decided since i'm not up for transition though outward transition would be easier seeing as no one around here knows me, i dont hold a job right now and my guidance counselor is understanding so i can transition at school. its just the rush of emotions after being dead cold for most of my life. i slow rebuild my closet walls but i end up destroying them. i know not choosing personal happiness is a bad choice but its the only way i can deal with this onslaught. maybe someday when i find my place in the world, i'll consider revisiting. i cant really start completely forgetting or trying to forget until i talk to my therapist so as of know, i'm stalled. feels like i'm being selfish though but its the price i have to pay. yes i understand everyone has been there so i'm not putting myself on a high pedestal, its just i'm not up for the task. i was given the assignment and i failed
You didn't fail, you haven't completed it yet.
I'm not even sure if you read the directions yet...
Somewhere in them I'm pretty sure it says something about getting it done with less drama.
You don't need to find your place, you're in the place you need to be.
You need to work with what you have going for you and stop the wishy-washy stuff.
It's like that answer that people give when someone is looking for something and they say it has to be somewhere.
Everything is always somewhere. You just need to look for it so you can find it.
What do we need to do, to help you do that? What do you need?
You talk about it, as if you need and you do get, an answer. What was the question?
Do you know what it is you're really asking? Not the stuff you've been writing about, but the stuff you haven't written about yet.
You've been given the answers to questions you haven't asked yet. Don't discard them because you haven't asked...
You're having a hard time getting to the bottom line here, the questions you really need to be asking.
I get that, it's difficult to do sometimes, for all of us.
You need to ask yourself that one true question for yourself, and if you can't find the answer and need help, ask us again.
Gonna do this, did this and that, tried a little of this over there, but changed your mind...
No, you haven't failed anything, you're just getting started.
What are you going to do today? What is your next step going to be?
What is the real bottom line going to be for you? What's it going to take to get you there?
No, no, no,... You haven't failed. You put your name on the top right corner, not much more than that.
More doing, less drama. Think about what that bottom line is, and we will do what we can, which has already been a lot.
You've been commenting a lot, yet you haven't really said much.
We've been commenting a lot and have told you as much as we can for the little you give us to go on.
Where is the bottom line? What is it? Think about this. You are, like I said before, your own worse antagonist.
Lets get to the real problems here and leave the over dramatized little things for later.
You haven't failed anything, you haven't even asked yourself the question you really want to ask.
You get stuck and then start another topic, which turns into the same thing, as each topic does.
I'm expecting a topic about what kind of sandwich you should have for lunch.
And when someone suggests a really good sandwich, it will turn into drama this and that, woe is me, life sucks, I failed.
It's not as dramatic as you make it, woe is me, life sucks is a quitter talking, saying you failed is someone who doesn't want any of that.
What are you going to do today to make it better? What is the next best step you can take?
You haven't failed, but you are wasting your time if you quit before you have even really started.
Ham and cheese. There's the answer to the sandwich topic. If you're gonna eat it, you're gonna have to chew.
Without the dramatics of eating it when it still has the crusts left on... White or whole wheat?
What are you going to do, what is the next best step to take? We can help, but you gotta chew.
Ativan
Quote from: Vampire Brianna Terryal Onyx on July 17, 2014, 07:46:03 PM
i slow rebuild my closet walls but i end up destroying them. i know not choosing personal happiness is a bad choice but its the only way i can deal with this onslaught. maybe someday when i find my place in the world, i'll consider revisiting. i cant really start completely forgetting or trying to forget until i talk to my therapist so as of know, i'm stalled. feels like i'm being selfish though but its the price i have to pay. yes i understand everyone has been there so i'm not putting myself on a high pedestal, its just i'm not up for the task. i was given the assignment and i failed
You seem to be making this an either or thing when it isn't necessarily. Transitioning may not be right for you, it isn't for me. That doesn't mean these feelings aren't real, or that ignoring them is a good way to go. I seem to being the complete opposite as you, I like expressing my femininity while still in male form, and yeah not everyone likes it, and some make assumptions that I'm a gay male because of it, but whatever, that has it's perks...
I can relate to many of the feelings here. I am early on, but have known since I was just out of diapers that I felt like I was a girl. I remember trying to convince a girl friend of mine in second grade that I was indeed a girl. But society and family pressured me to closet that feeling and I have pretending, faking and trying to be "the man" ever since. The trouble has been that I can only keep it up for so long until the pressure in my head and heart get too much. I act out. Drugs have nearly destroyed me countless times. I have now been clean for over 3 years and finally have mustered the courage to move forward. In the past, I would get 1 or two years clean and I would just boil over, end up using and running. I don't want to die using. What is worse, my kids facing that or learning who I truly am. I debate that question all the time. One thing I have learned over the years is that change is inevitable, my direction is up to me however. I seek the courage I need from others, hence I'm here, learning and dealing with my feelings. Going slow is important to me. The best advice I ever got was to not make rash decisions. I am very happy to be in therapy. From what I am learning I appear to be a textbook case of gender dysphoria and will benefit immensely from accepting my female self and moving forward. But small steps are vital to me. Unlearning the lies I have lived and learning my inner truth is going to be a life long task. My hope for all of us is that we can find peace, happiness and love. Loving myself enough to be true to myself is the first step. I believe that at any given moment we are right where we are supposed to be and that or next action will lead us forward, if we are honest with ourselves we will progress to where we need to be. We have one life to live, for us and no one else.