If your just beginning your voyage how bad is your fear of being dressed properly and being out in public. I started quite a long time before starting HRT so is no problem at least getting out. I still have a problem of outing myself in a couple of places where people know me as male, but I'm getting closer to ending the misery. Just wondering what your plans are if any to overcome any anxiety you have about at least putting your foot out the door.
I'm quite happy to discuss my trans status and out to a good many people in my life, but,as of now, I have no intention of going out dressed at all. Trying to dress female while looking male makes me more dysphoric.
I don't really care at this point, I just want to be me.
Well ,it used to be big, like really big...
but frankly I dont really care anymore
Quote from: FalseHybridPrincess on July 15, 2014, 06:18:54 PM
Well ,it used to be big, like really big...
but frankly I dont really care anymore
it's pretty cool once you can break through and just relax
Having never even presented as female to someone in private (besides you folks!) I have some concerns, but don't really feel "fear" of it, so much as wanting to be fully prepared when I do.
honestly i never really cared mush. some days i want to flaunt, some days i want to be conservative, it really doesnt matter because i see them once and thats it
For a while i was scared ->-bleeped-<-less. I remember sitting in my car for like an hour just to work up the courage to walk across a parking lot lol. You sorta have to get to a point where you just don't care what people think and the only way to do that is jump straight into the fire.
My experience is what Maid said - scared...errrr.... really scared! I kept purposely putting myself into uncomfortable but safe conditions until they were no longer uncomfortable. Jumping straight into the fire worked for me.
Quote from: Eva Marie on July 15, 2014, 06:38:58 PM
My experience is what Maid said - scared...errrr.... really scared! I kept purposely putting myself into uncomfortable but safe conditions until they were no longer uncomfortable. Jumping straight into the fire worked for me.
I kind of hit that stage where I had no choice , I had to move forward, I was scared as hell. Once I was out I just kept going.
Stephanie, the feeling never seems to go completely away. In my experience, if you don't feel 100% confident and comfortable in your presentation, it can become paralyzing to do certain things. For example, even after 25 years, this was the first summer I went down to the beach with the rest of the wives in my bathing suit, without a pair of shorts over it. It was gut clenching for about 1 minute and when I realized nobody noticed but me, I relaxed and enjoyed our vacation. :)
I went through all that WAY back, like the 1960s, when being found out could be dangerous.
Fortunately I had a small circle of TS friends who were much more experienced than I was and who 'held my hand' the first few times. The first time I was scared shyt-less but it got easier quickly as I realized I passed. With each outing I gained more confidence and eventually came to REALLY enjoy those times out with my girlfriends and look forward to them.
Quote from: Northern Jane on July 15, 2014, 07:40:12 PM
I went through all that WAY back, like the 1960s, when being found out could be dangerous.
Fortunately I had a small circle of TS friends who were much more experienced than I was and who 'held my hand' the first few times. The first time I was scared shyt-less but it got easier quickly as I realized I passed. With each outing I gained more confidence and eventually came to REALLY enjoy those times out with my girlfriends and look forward to them.
sounds great
I'm only 4 1\2 months in but once out at work i dreseed like i wanted. I don't go overboard. Shorts (pretty Short) Everyone loves my legs, a polo and of course my makeuo. I was supported really well and hey, i sometimes have places to go after work so i just went. Being uncomfortable by not dressing the way I feel out weighed a lot of my fear. Of course i was scared but once you do it a couple times it's like whatever. And sure you get looks but who cares. I find most Cis women to be most pleasant. Some of it is just how you interact with the public. Have a good, happy, positive attitude and it rubs off on people.
While I am not out full time as yet, I still have a "I don't give a crap what you think attitude" Where I have been out has been safe though. Given I am just starting HRT, I still have the ape in a dress syndrome going, and will be glad when things adjust a little in that department. But frankly, even though I am still a bit nervous at times, I am old enough to not really care what others may think. After all, I am just being who I really am and the cloths I choose to wear does not make up who I am. I will however say the first time I was out in a skirt felt fantastic and I truly felt like myself. That feeling alone was enough to not give a damn what anyone thought.
I've never cared about how others thought I looked before, so I figure why start now. I have been planning on waiting until I start to pass some of the time before presenting in public (mostly because I'd rather not confuse all the people who have trouble addressing non binary genders, and because I haven't bought enough clothes to really go out in public)
In about 2 weeks when I visit family we plan to go shopping for some nice outfits, then I go on vacation into the mountains till mid August. By the time I get back and have clothes I will probably start presenting female in public (at least part time).
The only people I interact with that don't know are my landlord (and housemates), and the folks at chipotle (where I buy food 10 times a week...)
My landlord is Philippino, so hopefully that cultural acceptance is there.
I'm not afraid of being myself and will not hide who I am from others. Granted I do have social anxiety so I do get nervous quite a lot. I really do not care what anyone thinks. I'm not going to conform to some bull crap even if it means putting myself in danger. I go out as me and if someone thinks or says I'm not female then w/e. I could care less about anyone's opinion. I'm not on HRT yet but still present as female. It's definitely not easy and I always get weird looks and have been harassed/assaulted before but it hasn't stopped me. Anyone who bashes on someone for being themselves or being different is pathetic and worthless in my eyes. I'd rather be myself and be a loner than try and fit in to society's norms.
I dont feel I am ready to present as "explicitly" female in public, so I dont. By "explicitly" I mean make-up + typical female clothes and accessories.
Instead, I present as myself and let the people decide whom they are dealing with. I wear what I want and what looks good - and dont really care what they think of me. Funny, but I have not yet figured out why the same "dont-care attitude" refuses to apply towards fully female presentation.
Like others, I was scared s***less the first time I went out dressed in public.
But basically, it reached the point where I couldn't hold it in anymore. I'd been dressing at home for a while, and was legitimately starting to see a girl in the mirror for the first time about 2 months into HRT, and it reached the point where my mind basically decided for me that it was time to go out. I obsessed over it, thought about doing it, and then every single night that passed without me doing it, it just drove me further and further up the wall, because I was obsessing over how I hadn't done it yet, and how I should.
So finally, that's what got me over the fear. I took video after video of myself to make sure I looked all right from all angles. Then after finally leaving the house I still sat in my car for over an hour, nearly talking myself out of it at least 3 or 4 times, before I finally realized, I was going to hate myself if I didn't do it. So I had to do it. Even if I didn't pass, I had to do it just so that I could quit with the self-hatred and self-criticism and obsession over it and feel proud of myself for being brave for a change.
It took months and months after that before I came even remotely close to being used to it. I only got the courage to go out maybe once a month. It got easier after I started going to a local trans support group and friends basically started forcing me to go out more. But even then, I never got used to "going out dressed." Over time, I slowly androgynized my wardrobe more and more, incorporated more and more feminine things into my everyday life, and then finally about 11 months into HRT the "ma'am"s started. And over time they got more and more consistent, until it wasn't even a matter of "going out dressed" anymore, it was just living life. And that's basically all I'm doing now. I'm not going out shopping in "girl mode" anymore, I'm just going shopping. That was when the nerves and the jitters basically completely stopped, when there ceased being a "guy mode" or a "girl mode" anymore, and I basically reached the point where I was a girl whether I wanted to be one or not.
It was kind like the story of the frog in the pot of water on the stove. The temp gets slowly turned up and it doesn't notice until all of sudden its cooked!
For me I just started slowly, ramping it up. Shaving my legs and nobody noticed. Wearing fem blouses and tops, and nobody noticed. Wearing a bra to make the tops fit better and again nobody noticed (that I know of). But a funny thing happened, I started getting called ma'am more and more. Even though I don't start HRT for another month, I'm consistently gendered as female (except on the phone!). I go shopping all the time, cruise the bargain racks like everybody else, use the ladies dressing room and rest rooms without issues. Of course I dress like most other ladies around here, rarely a skirt, mostly shorts and fem top and sandals and a purse. Its funny, when I go to the local TG support group, most of the girls are wearing dresses and then there's me, shorts and a nice top. But hey, I like wearing that stuff and I'm comfortable. So I would say, dress to blend in, go out to the mall, and sooner or later, you'll lose the fear.
Quote from: MaidofOrleans on July 15, 2014, 06:33:06 PM
For a while i was scared ->-bleeped-<-less. I remember sitting in my car for like an hour just to work up the courage to walk across a parking lot lol. You sorta have to get to a point where you just don't care what people think and the only way to do that is jump straight into the fire.
Agreed. Not quite my situation but definitely, I agree. The first few times were traumatic for me, but I've done many other things in my life by just forcing myself through it so I did this too. And once I had, I realized that most people were seeing the woman that I am. It's become easier over time and now I'm at the point where I don't care.
Quote from: Carrie Liz on July 16, 2014, 03:51:48 AM
Like others, I was scared s***less the first time I went out dressed in public.
And over time they got more and more consistent, until it wasn't even a matter of "going out dressed" anymore, it was just living life. And that's basically all I'm doing now. I'm not going out shopping in "girl mode" anymore, I'm just going shopping. That was when the nerves and the jitters basically completely stopped, when there ceased being a "guy mode" or a "girl mode" anymore, and I basically reached the point where I was a girl whether I wanted to be one or not.
Around 5 years ago this ^^_____^^ is me. What's worse, the semi-attractive face y'all see in my avatar wasn't the face I wore back then. it was much more angular and I had a lot more chin, and a way bigger nose. However despite these flaws prolly due to my body shape, I could no longer pass for male anymore. The only difference with me was, I didn't slowly move from Andro clothing to female clothing. Again, due to my body shape, women's clothes always fit me better than men's did, Soooooo, I went all out and threw out, or gave away all my male clothing replacing it with a female wardrobe. Luckily I already had a few women's outfits at the time.
So the next day I went out as me. And I too was scared S***less! I had just bought my current home and was in the process of moving in -new neighborhood, new people, however, it wasn't too far from Brooksville where I was moving from. Yes, I did the sitting in my truck thing for about ten minutes in a Lowes parking lot scared to go in. Then I finally talked myself into going in, grabbed my purse and went about my business not speaking to no one in fear of outing myself. From that day on, as time passed the nervousness subsided and 6 months later there wasn't any special thing to going out, or going shopping. I was just another girl doing her thing. Though I was passing without effort even despite my scratchy voice, I didn't get the friendly attention like I do now. Which I attribute to hrt softening and feminizing my facial features considerably. And prolly also due to my having more boob's than I did at first, lol! Now, things only seem to get better as time goes by.
Allie :icon_flower:
Last night I was starting laundry in full girl mode and realized the curtain to the back door was open. I was about to drop the Laundry and close it and said screw it instead. I left it open the rest of the night. I walked by it and even directly in front of it several times. I know for a fact that you can see anything in my house clearly through that door from the next street over. I don't know if anyone saw me or not. It was a little scary, but also a little liberating. I'm thinking about coming out and wearing girl clothes during my dog's walks.
My first day in girl mode, which was exactly 4 months before starting estrogens... I would describe myself as a spooked cat. I could barely leave my office chair to get a glass of water. The next day and pretty much for a couple of months that followed it was just low self-confidence.
Over time I learned that people simply don't care. Sure, colleagues at work were informed in advance but when walking on the street, going shopping, traveling by bus or other public transportation...
I'd say it was more difficult to switch to proper feminine grammar as Czech language has masculine, feminine and neutral declensions and conjugations. And using neutral forms only sounded unnatural. All that got fixed over time though :-) .
Quote from: awilliams1701 on July 16, 2014, 01:17:02 PM
Last night I was starting laundry in full girl mode and realized the curtain to the back door was open. I was about to drop the Laundry and close it and said screw it instead. I left it open the rest of the night. I walked by it and even directly in front of it several times. I know for a fact that you can see anything in my house clearly through that door from the next street over. I don't know if anyone saw me or not. It was a little scary, but also a little liberating. I'm thinking about coming out and wearing girl clothes during my dog's walks.
I did that when starting. early morning dog walks
Quote from: Serenahikaru on July 15, 2014, 06:15:20 PM
I don't really care at this point, I just want to be me.
Exactly what I said to myself a few years ago.
I wish to share something about fear
I lay on my bed soaking my pillow with my tears,
I try to remember exactly what it is that I fear.
Is it the passing of time or the love that I lack?
Is it the mistakes that I've made or the fact that I can't bring the past back?
What is it that I'm afraid of?
Why am I so scared?
Is it the people I've hurt or the people that have hurt me?
Am I afraid of everything that I cant seem to see?
Is it the love of a friend, or the loss of my family?
Is it the possibility that my life can end in a tragedy?
What is it that I fear most?
What do my eyes say I'm scared of?
Is it the sun that sets but won't seem to rise?
Is it the hope that I have that always seems to die?
Is it the trust of a person that I cannot begin to grasp?
Is it all the memories of my horrid past?
Is it me?
Can it possibly be that the thing I fear most is the thing I can't be?
The things that I try to understand?
The me that I try to be with when I'm feeling sad?
The person I'm expected to be? Is that what I fear? . . .
I think the thing I fear most . . .is me
© Bianca Flores
Source: http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/fear-itself-is-undefined#ixzz37groekU8
Family Friend Poems
Fear is the darkness we must find a way to cut.
Isabell
I remember going out the first time in public en femme when I was 29. It was just for a couple of hours - I was nervious but people didn't even notice. My philosophy is that I don't want to fake it and be part time and will go "cold turkey" full time and that will be it. I have found most people don't care or even notice unless you are extreme in your presentation. Another 6 months to go.
Before this week it would have been pretty high. I'm currently out of state visiting a friend in Texas and presenting female the whole week. Its been a good experience and even though my voice still worries me no one has said anything and I've been ma'amed a few times already. I still worry a little but knowing I won't see them again really helps. And I think its given me the confidence to move forward more back home. Before this I only presented female in very controlled environments. Not sure if I'm ready to do it at work but maybe I will for school this semester. If I'm still feeling this brave =P
I'm still quite afraid of going out as myself...and I don't really know why.
I have been presenting myself each time more femininely, but my fear of being pointed out as a trans and suffering because of that is enormous! Until now I have only been out on a few safe places, like where I do my therapy and a few night parties. My self-steem was never great and I am always thinking that I am too masculine...
Yesterday I had my hair done and it became a lot more feminine. I believe that from now on it will affect my way of presenting myself, since I really feel more confident of going out now... My grandmother still tells me "you are looking like a man"...oh god, this always hurts a lot...perhaps it is not her fault as she is very used with my face...as I am...and it's hard for us to see the woman on the mirror.
Steps...they are all steps...we think that the previous ones were hard, but every step in our transition is hard on its way. Accepting yourself, telling parents and friends, transitioning, start going partial time and full time...
Quote from: Natalia on July 17, 2014, 09:32:32 AM
I'm still quite afraid of going out as myself...and I don't really know why.
I have been presenting myself each time more femininely, but my fear of being pointed out as a trans and suffering because of that is enormous! Until now I have only been out on a few safe places, like where I do my therapy and a few night parties. My self-steem was never great and I am always thinking that I am too masculine...
Yesterday I had my hair done and it became a lot more feminine. I believe that from now on it will affect my way of presenting myself, since I really feel more confident of going out now... My grandmother still tells me "you are looking like a man"...oh god, this always hurts a lot...perhaps it is not her fault as she is very used with my face...as I am...and it's hard for us to see the woman on the mirror.
Steps...they are all steps...we think that the previous ones were hard, but every step in our transition is hard on its way. Accepting yourself, telling parents and friends, transitioning, start going partial time and full time...
Hi Natalie,
I remember you from a very long time ago when I first joined Susan's, and for those shaky first few months of mine. From what I can see you've come a very long way since then. Your hair look's lovely, you have a beautiful perfect smile (at least you can, lol!). I don't think you have anything to worry about. As I said to you in another thread all I see in your photo is girl. Once you start going out as yourself regularly, you'll see that most people won't even pay attention to you. To most you'll just be another woman doing your thing, and your confidence in yourself will build up until there isn't any boy or girl mode, just girl, and you'll leave your house without so much as thinking about it.
Best wishes! :icon_bunch:
Allie :icon_flower:
Quote from: Allyda on July 17, 2014, 04:12:34 PM
Hi Natalie,
I remember you from a very long time ago when I first joined Susan's, and for those shaky first few months of mine. From what I can see you've come a very long way since then. Your hair look's lovely, you have a beautiful perfect smile (at least you can, lol!). I don't think you have anything to worry about. As I said to you in another thread all I see in your photo is girl. Once you start going out as yourself regularly, you'll see that most people won't even pay attention to you. To most you'll just be another woman doing your thing, and your confidence in yourself will build up until there isn't any boy or girl mode, just girl, and you'll leave your house without so much as thinking about it.
Best wishes! :icon_bunch:
Allie :icon_flower:
Thanks Allyda!
Indeed I was more present here at the end of 2013/beginning of 2014, but I am still coming from time to time to check the "news" =)
I was tracking my old posts and...wow, almost 10 months and a lot of accomplishments! Bad things happened to me, sad things...but I was able to find myself...I still feel I am not moving that fast, but I am ready to change to the 2nd gear and accelerate!
And thanks for the encouraging words! =) I am sure that once you start going out regulary things will become each day less of something new and different and they will become something normal! I am expecting this day so much, and I feel I am each day closer!
My therapist suggested I do something like that, but I don't have enough time off to do that. I went out in public in a denim skirt and I had confidence on my side. Unfortunately one of the teenagers was determined to ruin my day. He temporarily ruined my mood, but not my day. After that I posted my transgender status on the neighborhood Facebook page and got a lot of positive comments. It certainly made up for him. Unfortunately I'm still not back to my super happy self that I had been in the last couple of days. I'm still in a good mood though.
Quote from: Ellesmira the Duck on July 16, 2014, 10:22:10 PM
Before this week it would have been pretty high. I'm currently out of state visiting a friend in Texas and presenting female the whole week. Its been a good experience and even though my voice still worries me no one has said anything and I've been ma'amed a few times already. I still worry a little but knowing I won't see them again really helps. And I think its given me the confidence to move forward more back home. Before this I only presented female in very controlled environments. Not sure if I'm ready to do it at work but maybe I will for school this semester. If I'm still feeling this brave =P
I'm nowhere near that point... the only time I actually feel comfortable enough to dress appropriately is in my own home, around my girlfriend, or around my friends. The bravest I've gotten thus far was wandering around the mall with girl friend in jean shorts... and honestly that was mildly terrifying.
I dunno, for me it was really everything almost all at once:
In January I made contact with my endo, who wanted a psychological report
In March I had the report and told all my friends I was going to transition
In April I started HRT and two days later started presenting as female everywhere except at work
In July I abandoned the boy and now only present as female
And I am now starting now starting to get some male attention I don't quite know how to handle... :o
But yes, that first day in April, when I found myself in peak-hour pedestrian Madrid all dolled up scared me massively. As others have said, sh****** is a good way to describe it 8) Then I saw that most people didn't even realise.
Quote from: Natalia on July 18, 2014, 10:15:38 AM
Thanks Allyda!
And thanks for the encouraging words! =) I am sure that once you start going out regulary things will become each day less of something new and different and they will become something normal! I am expecting this day so much, and I feel I am each day closer!
That day for you Natalie is much closer than you think. I remember how it was for me. At around the 6th month mark of being full time, which was after the holidays in early 2010, I had come to realize how routine my fixing my hair, and putting on basic makeup had become, and that I'd been leaving the house without a second thought whether I'd pass or not for quite a while. Life as a girl just took over and fell into place neatly. and all of the nervousness had faded away.
Now a days I just go on about my daily business of shopping for groceries and the necessities one needs per month -just another girl doing her thing worrying about paying the bills, keeping the lawn mowed, just everyday stuff. You'll know when it happens cause it's a wonderful feeling when your accepted by everyone as just one of the girls.
Best wishes.
Allie :icon_flower:
Quote from: Kaylin Kumiho on July 18, 2014, 10:31:39 AM
I'm nowhere near that point... the only time I actually feel comfortable enough to dress appropriately is in my own home, around my girlfriend, or around my friends. The bravest I've gotten thus far was wandering around the mall with girl friend in jean shorts... and honestly that was mildly terrifying.
I can understand the fear, and if you ever get the time to just venture far enough away from where you live to feel anonymous it might help more then you expect. I know I'm always worried about my voice and if my facial hair is showing through my makeup, but when I knew I wasn't going to see anyone again, it really helped me to put that aside.