Hello loved ones of non binary trans my dears
Tell us of your journey. Taka has recently had some brilliant posts of theirs....
How have you progressed in your understanding of being non binary, what helped you, where has it taken you?
The path less travelled maybe?
Has it taken you to your truth?
Have you found your diamond core?
Have you become a force of blessing to others?
Are you proud of your multiple gender perceptions, or your wonderful androgyn blend?
How did you get there my dears, how did you discover yourselves?
For the joy of nonbinary trans.... the good of the forest.
Love to all, nails out hair down heart wide open and eager to live free....
Satinjoy
Well, I feel funny posting this, because people have heard my story so many times I hear a collective groan.
But you ask, so here goes...
I started out trying to figure out why I couldn't make male friends. I took a look at my life and began wondering whether I wasn't completely male. I joined Susan's and began posting in the area for non-binary folks (called the androgyne section back then). I learned a lot about the non-binary community. I've always wanted to be a woman, and I realized that was a symptom of being transgender - that we didn't all feel like "a woman trapped in a man's body". When I learned I could transition, there was no stopping me.
Once I decided to transition, I distanced myself from the non-binary sections. I was intent on passing and on bringing about my medical transition, so I concentrated on the MtF stories so I could learn how to do that. I still didn't feel like a woman "inside" but I ignored that. I knew I needed to transition, and I assumed I'd begin to feel like a woman over time. My guiding words were:
I want to be a woman.
I hope to become one.
But I can't become one,
I'll gladly pretend, for the rest of my life if necessary.
I transitioned, all the way through SRS, but I never did "feel like a woman". I still felt like a man who'd put one over on the cis world and tricked them into letting me transition and be who I wanted to be.
Once I was done with my SRS, and I realized that I'd probably feel this way long term, I made a return to my roots - to the area of Susan's where I started.
Please don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled to be able to walk the earth as a woman. But I'm also facing the fact that I'm not completely female, that there is a piece of me that may always see myself as male.
I'm female - at least physically - and I'm trying to figure out the rest. At the moment Demigirl or queergrrrl seem to fit as gender identities. I'm somewhere on the feminine spectrum but I don't "feel like a woman" what ever that means. And to be honest I never really did, I was always just me.
Basically, I just know that I think different from most others guys, I always have, and I want to figure out why.?
I really hesitate elaborating on myself much yet, I tried to in the intro topic, but it quickly became obvious I don't understand very much yet about myself.? And I'm in no hurry to jump into anything, its most important to just become comfortably knowing why I feel different, then I can move to another step confidently..
I did change my gender status on Fb yesterday and posted a couple of signs curious of the response, which was zero, and I seem to have lost a bit of popularity overnight, being a bit ignored..? So guess the struggle begins now between being honest, or going back to hiding...?
Anyway, that's all for now...
This will be good for another collective groan, but for the sake of the newer critters in the forest I will go over it again. I was a paratroop in a SE Asian war zone. I was hot, tired, filthy and badly in need of a shower, wanting clean dry, sweat free clothes and socks before my feet rotted off. I dropped my rifle and gear and went in the beer tent and quaffed down two quick Australian Lagers in sweating pint cans, the outside temperature was around 110 degrees F and the 6% alcohol caused my face to lose any feeling quickly. Someone showed me a Playboy centerfold and asked me if I'd like to do her, I said, hell no I want to be her. She was beautiful, clean and loved, her chances of being shot to death were zip while I was on the other side of the world from family and loved ones and just knew that I was going to die any day. Later on I actually did take two bullets that passed right through and missed my vitals completely and I was able to recover in country and rejoin my company later. I was overexposed to Agent Orange that would later modify my endocrine system, both my boys were born with major health problems which is attributable to that and I am currently rated 100% disabled with the VA, not that it has held me back in any way.
I knew nothing about transgender people for a very long time until I saw a MtF woman and suddenly the possibilities struck me hard. I had never had a dislike for my male body like so many but was disillusioned with the prevailing male role expectations that I had been submitted to in life. I hated male styles and had always preferred the color and styles available to women and wondered why the males of every species are the ones who are so beautifully adorned when the females are always rather bland. This was always predominantly true of aboriginal types in the western hemisphere. I began transitioning to MtF at warp speed and finally after several years decided that I'm not really a woman, though I share a lot of those physical and mental characteristics. I had never cared for labels and boxes either and disliked the peer pressure and group-think mentality that the trans community usually assumed that I would become fully female, this was the point at which I said no to SRS and opted for an orchiectomy and HRT as sufficient to meet my needs and settled into a non-binary androgynous presentation and lifestyle and it is quite comfy.
Shantel, you're one of the coolest people I've ever met...!
Thanks for your inspiration.. :)
Quote from: Mark3 on September 09, 2014, 04:03:41 PM
Shantel, you're one of the coolest people I've ever met...!
Thanks for your inspiration.. :)
You're so sweet Mark, but no I'm just another critter in your new forest home, there are a lot of others here who are truly cool, I'm just my dog Cody's best friend is all.
i've been writing my story down in bits and pieces around the forums these last few days.
i'm not sure i can manage to tell the story as properly again as some of those posts do together, so...
let's go treasure hunting?
Yes you are all over the threads and your story has been told very well indeed my dear....
There are a lot of really terrific posts, IMO, that have come out since we had to lock that thread....
I have learned a whole lot, and every one of them from everyone here has stabilized me, which is truly a gift for me.
Blessings, and happy treasure hunting, this place is packed with it.
--Satinjoy
Without subjecting folk to yet another life story, at the highest level I had experienced significant dysphoria for many years before I found a therapist who diagnosed me as trans*. HRT, FFS et al followed - this took me to a great place but I really couldn't relate to the whole gender performance expected of a binary transitioning mtf and stopped, paused and considered my options and my intent.
The irony was that I have always thought and reasoned in a very binary fashion. Analytic and structured I rarely gave much weight to nuance or subjectivity when analytic thinking and 'objectivity' appeared to offer so much more. As E rewired my brain and I became more empathetic, more nuanced and better connected with myself and with others, I realised that the journey I had thought that I was taking was in fact far deeper and more profound than a binary adoption of a F presentation, identity and role. In essence my real journey was to go within. Understanding, really understanding and connecting with my soul required me to unpack years of socialisation and assumptions then reassemble myself, piece by piece. Actually, reassembly sounds too mechanical, my journey was an evolution, a growth rather than a structured step by step construction project.
In doing this I realised that I had access to all of the gendered qualities and experiences that I desired if I let go of binary thinking, and an illogical need to conform or fit with the expectations of others. This was a simple but quite profound learning which has led me to passionately advocate a NB identity as it seems to me to provide the greatest amplitude of human experience available to any of us.
Perhaps it may be better seen as that I started down the path buying into the popular story line of binary transformation, however I put down this book when I realised that I could and should write my own story. As I looked within, rather than looked without, I didn't see a bright pink and I no longer saw a deep blue. What I saw was the purest crystal, this crystal was in essence my soul. I understood that my soul was not gendered as we know it, it had the potential to reflect, transmit and produce multiple colours according to situation, intent and awareness. What made it really exciting was understanding that this crystal, this soul, this essence was connected with each and every other soul on this planet and their interdependence provided the opportunity to compose a symphony, a great epic and a rich and meaningful life if I accepted and stepped beyond the binary.
My journey within the forest continues. The paths are no longer physical. They are far more spiritual and best accessed through meditation and the pursuit of a conscious, empowered and authentic life which recognises and celebrates the power of a non binary reality. When I meet a kindred spirit, my heart leaps and my soul sings. The trees seem to stand taller and their auras seem more pronounced.
Life is very good indeed.
Safe travels
Aisla
I don't think I ever really took the journey. I think I have always been there. Or here or wherever this place is at. Without going into a big long analysis, I will keep it short and sweet. I was all the time mistaken for a girl when I was really young. During puberty I developed Gynecomastia. Smaller hands and wrists and long slender fingers with the 1:1 ratio. As a matter of fact with my ring size and my real name, during my Junior year in high school I got sent a female class ring. The company thought that the male part was a mistake. So I had to send it back and get the male ring. Should have kept the female ring after all. No Adam's apple and on the phone or on a radio I am mistaken more for female than male. I don't wear watches because men's watches look too funny on my wrist. So pretty much nature and coincidence pushed me down the path. I guess I was just along for the ride. I just more or less looked around one day and said, wow I am really not normal. So I just accepted that I was different. Yes there have been problems and yes there have been advantages. But I guess that is just the way it is. So I've always had a fairly easy time going back and forth, but the more time goes on the less I want to go back and forth and would rather let the female take full control. That is where I am right now, tomorrow may be different and next week different still. But the pull toward female is getting stronger and the male is getting weaker. I am afraid of HRT because I would hate to think I wasted 2/3 of my life thinking one thing and finding out I should have done something else a long time ago. ???
My journey continues....
Every day it seems, I have learned something new about myself, or about the rest of the world..
My path has had so many twists and turns in it so far, I can't imagine what tommorow will bring..?
The past week I've basically come out(strange sounding words when its me) as non binary publically on my Fb and to about everyone I know.. My family is all dead, so nothing to tell them..
But as far as all my old friends on soc. Media, 2 have told me they understood, all the rest have ignored me since, its obvious they aren't impressed, and figure theyll just move on I guess, thank you CIS friends who said we were like family.... I think the reality of what I was and where I was trying to fit in has hit me now, and it isn't as pleasant of a place as I used to think it was... But I am growing more self confident, and it doesn't bother me nearly as much as I thought it might, in fact, I'm relived to see the truth, so I can also move on to better things..
I've read others write about how important Susans is for them, and some give this group credit for much in they're lives.. I certainly understand that now also, some of you here have literally changed my entire life..
I was up at sunrise this morning, out standing in the middle of a lovely grass field with the dogs.. I just felt so good for a change, peaceful, happy, complete... I cried.. I am now...
Im still the same person I was, but now I don't feel there must be something wrong with me for how I feel because I'm not like they are, now I know there's something special about me, and it is so so right..!!
That's where I am as of today.. I'm sure there will be more to come in the days ahead...!
Love to you all.. :) :) :)
Well where do I start? Always figured I was somehow different from others, relating more to girls than boys. As I got older I tried crossdressing and liked it. These days I aim for a femme presentation and it helps me massively.
I have a friend who is bi gender, she helped me a lot with coming to terms with my identity, as has the Transition Channel, this website. I found doctors pretty unhelpful but thats not my issue. For me, the truth is, I don't know where I am if I was to put myself in a category, unless we use transfeminine, but even thats not a perfect fit. My current goals are to get over the slight feeling of shame that I have over my body, and my fears of close, interpersonal relatioships.
Quote from: Mark3 on September 16, 2014, 08:04:48 AM
My journey continues....
Every day it seems, I have learned something new about myself, or about the rest of the world..
My path has had so many twists and turns in it so far, I can't imagine what tommorow will bring..?
The past week I've basically come out(strange sounding words when its me) as non binary publically on my Fb and to about everyone I know.. My family is all dead, so nothing to tell them..
But as far as all my old friends on soc. Media, 2 have told me they understood, all the rest have ignored me since, its obvious they aren't impressed, and figure theyll just move on I guess, thank you CIS friends who said we were like family.... I think the reality of what I was and where I was trying to fit in has hit me now, and it isn't as pleasant of a place as I used to think it was... But I am growing more self confident, and it doesn't bother me nearly as much as I thought it might, in fact, I'm relived to see the truth, so I can also move on to better things..
I've read others write about how important Susans is for them, and some give this group credit for much in they're lives.. I certainly understand that now also, some of you here have literally changed my entire life..
I was up at sunrise this morning, out standing in the middle of a lovely grass field with the dogs.. I just felt so good for a change, peaceful, happy, complete... I cried.. I am now...
Im still the same person I was, but now I don't feel there must be something wrong with me for how I feel because I'm not like they are, now I know there's something special about me, and it is so so right..!!
That's where I am as of today.. I'm sure there will be more to come in the days ahead...!
Love to you all.. :) :) :)
Good thoughts Mark, there's so much there that we can all relate to in so many ways. Those that we assumed were friends from all of their previous comments about feeling like family and so on, always seem to slink off into the shadows and disappear and those few steadfast hangers on are indeed the real McCoys, the rest were merely former associates and frankly aren't worth shedding a tear over. In a different era they would be the first ones to turn you into the Gestapo or the Vopos to secure some personal advantage. It's so much better to be ahead of the curve and know who you can really count on when a push comes to a shove, because they will be there for you. Times like this we have the choice of feeling bad about losing some "friends" or we can count the ones that remain as our blessings!
Oh, this will be quite boring read so proceed at Your own discretion.
I was born 36 years ago in the country which does not exist anymore. Ever since I remember myself I considered myself a girl and when I was told that I am not, I desperately wanted to become one. Was told to shut that down or else doctors will be invited. Took it so serious that eventually shut down everything else and kept all my private life to myself. Went through period of teenage crossdressing and was deeply ashamed of that. When my body started to change, stopped doing that because it brought more pain than everything else. Could never relate to boys but was not in friends with girls either. Always considered myself a "stranger in the strange land", wanderer and passer-by brought here by some mistake. Nothing could bind me or hold my interest.
Being inherent misfit, I was bullied since first grade - was never bullied as trans or gay because back then nobody knew what that meant. So it was mostly because I refused to join schoolboy gangs (silly kid games), socialise with them and play by their rules - I always made a point for myself that all rules can be bent or broken - if needed. Nothing is absolute and undertaking obligations is an act of stupidity. Also, being a serious piano player and having permanent leave from sports did help a lot of with my "popularity". When I was 15, I discovered the world of fantasy and science fiction and it compeletely transformed me. I could live in those books as other people and live their lives, full with adventures and cool things going on. I would often imagine myself as Conan, Tarzan or John Carter and think that being like them might help to solve my problems (and it also helped to deal with that tremendous amount of shame because I used to crossdress and had all those weird thought who just wont go away). And then realised that I can be like them... I started to train in martial arts and lift weights. And soon I was able to fend off those who wanted to follow the old routine and just kick or punch me because it was fun. I was physically the most developed boy in our class - yet they did not accept me. They feared me a bit but I was still the stranger. And I learned that I dont really want to have a revenge on them either - I was content with them leaving me and others alone.
Times went by, I became better at martial arts, joined historical re-enactment groups, became proficient with sword, bow, crossbow, longstaff. Took the firearm courses, cliff-hanging and learned to ride. Still, could not fit in.
Until the very graduation, could not figure out what I want to do with my life - almost joined Military Academy but realised that it would be the same "boys locker room 24/7/365" except this time I would have asked for that... By simple chance started to study law and figured out that it had certain appeal. Fall in love for the first time and could not figure out what I was supposed to do. Never told her or anyone else -it would have been easier without having to see her every day during our studies. Considered myself as a loser of a guy because those things seemed so natural for everyone else. Yet, could not figure out why most of other guys speak so bad about girls and are so obsessed with sex and everything. Yeah, I did not fit in there either, but in uni it does not really matter anymore.
Made a lot of acquaintances but just a few friends. Tried to start relationships but either failed or got friendzoned and kept thinking about myself as a loser-guy. Got more and more numb emotionally and shuffled all inconvenient memories so deep that I forgot that I even had them. I was 100% sure that it was just a phase which ended in my teens because I forced myself to man up. I had no idea about GD but once in a while a strange, stomach turning and suffocating sadness would overcome me, driving me out, wandering outside for hours and hours, and making me instantly remember that wherever and no matter how far I may go - I will always remain a stranger.
The turning point was when I learned about HRT. In my total and absolute ignorance, I never searched anything about transsexualism (because I considered having won that battle) and GD. When it all came back, suddenly and unexpectedly, I started to search for answers (deep inside I knew all those questions) and was shocked when I realised that it was all my fault and there are very few choices, most of which would involve pain and humiliation.
To skip it, yeah, I considered myself binary MtF for quite a long time until... I realised that no matter what, but I am a stranger even to them. Another wave of shock and despair, because peace and happiness seemed so close. I will never become a girl, because I was not born as one, and was socialised as "kinda boy". I feel awkward around men, yet I feel inherent difference between me and my female friends. I am inherently different and that is going to remain that way no matter what I would do. It is time to suck it up and go on with this ultimate quest of finding purpose of my life. Now, I am here, in this ever-changing Mythago Wood, surrounded by other beings and creatures, beautiful and scary in their diversity. Many of them, I dont understand, but I know - my understanding matters little to them. Acceptance and kindness - those are qualities which matter.
And... I still dont know, if I am here to stay or I am just a wanderer, passer-by, stranger in a strange forest... But You know what? For the first time in my life - it does not matter anymore.
Emily,
I read it entirely and it was not boring, it simply consolidates you as being one of us and no you are not alone honey!
Quote from: Shantel on September 16, 2014, 12:58:59 PM
Emily,
I read it entirely and it was not boring, it simply consolidates you as being one of us and no you are not alone honey!
Thank You, Shantie :). You always kept my spirits up when I went low... But, we come into this world alone and we leave it alone.. What happens between - is up to us :).
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on September 16, 2014, 01:00:38 PM
Thank You, Shantie :). You always kept my spirits up when I went low... But, we come into this world alone and we leave it alone.. What happens between - is up to us :).
So true, consider yourself loved by this old person. Maybe we can hold hands in the next life?
Quote from: Shantel on September 16, 2014, 01:02:56 PM
So true, consider yourself loved by this old person. Maybe we can hold hands in the next life?
Lets make a wish... And who ever gets there first, will wait for the other, ok?
And dammit, but You just made me cry...
Wow Emily. I read your entire post and did not find it boring in the least. Actually kind of interesting and our paths might have been almost exact if you were her or I was there. It kind of makes me feel fortunate in the things that I chose in that I could be the odd one, the crazy one, the one that never fit in without all the negative consequences except for the four years in the military. Everything I tried male was a great big male fail. Football, even flag football, Pfffttt. Yeah right. I heard Wussy and another name that starts with "P" and I just thought to myself, "we are what we want to have the most". ;) I was on the bench watching and after the first game never got to play again. Didn't really want to anyway. ::)
Everything purely male I have ever tried, I failed desperately at. Just couldn't put my heart into it. Don't even really know how I made it through basic training to be completely honest. :-\ Maybe I am just weird, off, odd or whatever else. I guess I'm just me though whatever that is worth.
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on September 16, 2014, 01:18:23 PM
Lets make a wish... And who ever gets there first, will wait for the other, ok?
And dammit, but You just made me cry...
Hehehe pretty cool, you're on Emily!
I won't do justice to this topic today.
What I will say is that I kept telling the shrink that I did not feel like a woman trapped in a male body.
I started off in the mtf section after almost a year of therapy and 7 months of hormones, on a slow rev up.
I got into something on the forum there, was being invalidated by an mtf, and Aisla, who evidently had been watching the posts, defended me. I came here, asked questions, and disqualified myself earlier on. But this time, I was ready to hear the answers, and I got them.
It has been tough, I have had breakdowns, I have had dark days, I have had joy.
I am authentic. I am me. It is enough for me.
So, I remain, SJ/Satinjoy.
Fiercely loyal to this forum and everyone on it.
--Nails out head up.
Todays update. :)
I realized the past few days that I'm now in the Hot-seat so to speak, with telling others what I'm feeling, and why the change in attitude, thought process and need to alter my gender assignment publicly is important to me..
I did make a reference on Facebook about myself in a post with a link to a wikipedia explanation of non binary, but that seemed to be ignored mostly, at least no one came to me privately or publicly asking me about it.?
I did e-mail a good friend and shared a lot with her a day ago, but she hasn't written back yet.? I may have sounded unsure of myself, even a little defensive, but I realized I really need to write a better explanation that I can memorize, or share with others who ask.?
So what I'm concentrating on now is getting my thoughts together, as honest and understandable as I can, and writing down a confident, coherent, well thought out statement about myself, to make my friends on the outside and in real life understand me, without me sounding like I'm unsure of myself...?
I know what I feel... I just get flustered when I get put on the spot, and they don't come out well...? But I need, and want to be able to share with my friends this journey, even if some have no interest, I still need to start the conversation the right way, then if they think it's stupid, I'll know i did everything I could to explain it well...
So thats where I am..
PS. If anyone sees flaws in my plans, please tell me, I trust and want the input of people here, if theres something I need to know.?
Quote from: Satinjoy on September 17, 2014, 10:02:36 AM
I won't do justice to this topic today.
What I will say is that I kept telling the shrink that I did not feel like a woman trapped in a male body.
I started off in the mtf section after almost a year of therapy and 7 months of hormones, on a slow rev up.
I got into something on the forum there, was being invalidated by an mtf, and Aisla, who evidently had been watching the posts, defended me. I came here, asked questions, and disqualified myself earlier on. But this time, I was ready to hear the answers, and I got them.
It has been tough, I have had breakdowns, I have had dark days, I have had joy.
I am authentic. I am me. It is enough for me.
So, I remain, SJ/Satinjoy.
Fiercely loyal to this forum and everyone on it.
--Nails out head up.
There is always someone lurking in the wings that will make efforts to invalidate each of us as a group or individually, treading all over the face of each vulnerable soul. I suspect it has a lot more to do with the human condition and more their condition than ours. One can best supplant anger with pity for them and each of us pray for a thicker skin and stronger self esteem that we may be able to deflect the slings and arrows of those unfortunate miscreants. I am steadfastly loyal to you all as well.
Quote from: Shantel on September 18, 2014, 11:28:10 AM
There is always someone lurking in the wings that will make efforts to invalidate each of us as a group or individually, treading all over the face of each vulnerable soul. I suspect it has a lot more to do with the human condition and more their condition than ours. One can best supplant anger with pity for them and each of us pray for a thicker skin and stronger self esteem that we may be able to deflect the slings and arrows of those unfortunate miscreants. I am steadfastly loyal to you all as well.
I am hopeful this will suddenly improve, based on the last couple of days, I see healing in our threads, in this part of the forum. It is time for this now. The admins and mods are on guard, and the peoples of the forum's awareness has increased, intolerance and invalidation are beginning to be seen as ugly, and unacceptable, as it should be. We will rise above, we are so much bigger than this.
Blessings my dear.
Mark, you'll need a really good gender therapist if you do not have one already. You are so innocent, take it slow dear one, the journey is a long one. And exciting.
Love to all here....
Here's my story. It's a bit long, even though I tried to stick to what was relevant to my trans-ness.
I've always had bad feelings about being male.
For one thing, the usual masculinity training that boys get, especially in the South (USA), didn't make me identify with being rough and tough, it just alienated me from anything to do with masculinity. I was no good at being masculine and didn't really want to be. It also made me never feel safe around men.
For another, I grew up with the idea that girls/women were intrinsicly better than boys/men. (FWIW, I'm certain that my parents preferred girls to boys.) Boys had to work hard to be worth anything, girls were to be valued just for being girls. I was convinced that girls had it easier and that if I'd been born a girl I would not have constantly felt like I would never measure up no matter how hard I tried.
I don't remember actually wanting to be a girl, but the way boys got abused for being in any way like a girl, there was no way I would have admitted it to myself even if I did. I did feel a secret, guilty attraction to girly things, though -- pretty clothes, soft textures, and gentleness. And I felt an anxious fascination for stories of boys being turned into girls, especially the Oz story where the boy Tip finds out he's really Princess Ozma.
Anyway, I eventually left the hell of childhood behind me and went on to college, grad school, marriage and children. I tried to be a good student, husband, and father, with mixed success. I often felt the urge to cross-dress, but absolutely did not want to get caught, so I rarely indulged.
Things changed when my marriage fell apart.
First of all, I swore off being a "good" anything. In my marriage, I'd tried to be what I thought I was supposed to be -- a good, non-patriarchal husband and father, all things to all people, etc. -- and it was on the way to killing me (literally) before I realized I needed to get out. I needed to get in the habit of just being me, whoever that is.
Second, in order to get myself out of the house, I started going to Contra dances again, where I started seeing men in skirts. I tried it myself (once we were separated) and liked it. Once I realized nobody was going to kill me for wearing a skirt to a dance, I started to enjoy it. The Contra dance is still the place I feel safest dressing as I like and being a less censored version of myself.
I started wearing skirts more and more, including around town, and noticed that nobody seemed to mind. I noticed that I feel more "me" when I wear them, like I've taken off layers of heavy, uncomfortable armor. I also noticed that I felt attracted to more feminine-looking clothes. On the other hand, I'd never liked looking at my body, and wearing more feminine clothes made it more obvious that one big reason was that it was male.
I tried online men-in-skirts groups for a while. However, most of the men there felt a need to make sure they looked masculine. I stayed for a while, but since I don't have much use for masculinity and they didn't have much use for the styles I liked, we didn't have all that much in common. I eventually got bored and stopped participating.
I tried a cross-dressing website, but it was dominated by M2F crossdressers who, for all their talk about their "feminine side," acted in a lot of ways like the kind of men who turned me off to masculinity in the first place. Also, when I described how I present, I got a fair amount of abuse, which I've never gotten in off-line life. So I decided it wasn't the place for me.
I still assumed I was just a cross-dresser or maybe "gender non-conforming" because I'd never felt like a "woman trapped in a man's body." Nor had I felt this overwhelming urge to become a woman. Then, about a year ago, I ran across Zinnia Jones' blog post That Was Dysphoria? (http://"http://freethoughtblogs.com/zinniajones/2013/09/that-was-dysphoria-8-signs-and-symptoms-of-indirect-gender-dysphoria/") It all sounded so familiar that I started wondering whether there was more to what was going on with me than just wearing feminine clothing. I posted a comment describing how I felt and someone said the word for me was "non-binary." They also suggested I check out susans.org .
So, here I am. For the moment.
I'm non-binary in the sense that I don't identify at all as my assigned gender, but don't identify with any other one. I also think I'm feeling body dysphoria, in that I feel like my body is ugly because it's male and think that I might like it better if it looked female.
But that's just how I feel today. How I see myself has changed a lot in the past few years, and I expect it to change further. I just have no clue exactly how it will change.
Update & dilemma..
I'm doing pretty well I believe...
I've been posting a lot of NB & trans articles and info on my Facebook, that's where the majority of people I know are, even my real life friends are there.. (I have no family alive).. I just want everyone there to understand me, know about the changes I'm making on how I think of myself as NB...
At first I was ignored noticeably, then slowly thing's felt normal again with friends..? But I realize no one is daring to ask me questions about my changes, in fact a couple of my friends who I chat with often and feel are close friends, have ignored that subject all together when we chat and I say anything about it..?
I feel like my CIS friends still are friends, but only to a certain point, then they shut down and change the subject..? It may seem like a small thing, but I am a little hurt by there unwillingness to talk more deeply with me, as we always have...?
Its these types of experiences that I remember when a CIS person says trans is a choice, and I think, Who would choose something that would turn all your friends away, and make yourself an outcast..? You either have to laugh at them or cry, thankfully I can usually laugh at it all...
trans isn't a choice, though transition kind of is. it just isn't the same type of choice as you do when choosing the color of your dress, it's more like choosing between two evils... losing family or losing sanity...
your friends might be thinking that you're still the same guy (probably), and ignore the odd problem that they don't know how to deal with. i'm thinking it might be something of the same as telling you're bisexual, but will stay married to your spouse of the opposite sex. it might be a big deal to you, but is it to them?
i've personally concluded that being non-binary isn't something i want to discuss with my friends unless they actually ask. it's better for me to just be me, tell them the tiny little fact which i really don't want to be defining for our friendship, and let them experience me rather than having to explain me.
it was a big deal at first, i desperately wanted to talk to my friends about it. i really wanted that validation, knowing that i was me, and had a place in this society. but over time, this changed. being non-binary isn't some big news that i think the world needs to know and that i need to discuss. it's just me. and i don't really want it to be a big deal, my gender doesn't matter to anything else that i do. i'd rather be judged by my words and actions than who i am deep down. only a partner really needs to know what being non-binary really means for how i relate to my own body and a partner.
the philosophical discussion is something i'd like to do with an open minded friend though. it can be interesting to discuss if these things really are me, and if my thoughts about myself and the world make any sense. i've already discussed that a lot with ativan and others here though.
Thanks Taka...
Yes, I guess I'm in that stage or place where I thought I wanted everyone to know, somehow that feels like a validation or something,
to verbally gain they're acceptance in this one thing..?
But you're right, it's really no ones business, like shouting to everyone about your sexuality, it's probably kind of silly.?
I do still want to educate people though, and keep posting things they will think about.. There was a topic here about "getting the word out"
that I really related to and wanted to help with, I guess that's my way of doing that...
It probably would be better to leave my own experiences out of it, and just make general info posts for everyone....
:)
that would be the easier way at least.
educating people is a noble cause, but it can still be a little hard for people to get what you're trying to do if you stress your own identity too much...(?)
have you told people what it will mean for them that you are non-binary?
did you want different pronouns, to be called by a different name?
if not, they're probably very confused and hoping that you'll give them a little more information about how they should deal with the news.
my finest example of a great outing, was when i came out as a girl at some gay forum.
very open and nice community that had gathered around the quirkiest interests.
what i did right though, was to tell them not only that i'm a girl, but also that i'd still want them to just treat me like some random dude.
they did, and it was awesome.
(and that's where my serious gender confusion started, but that's a different story. kind of.)
I am still exploring things, I've come out to a friend as being non binary, but it don't know whether to make an announcement via Facebook... But I'm not sure I identify with the non binary genders Facebook allows you to choose in the uk.
As a single-digit age kid, I did some gender-nonconforming things (letting nails grow out a bit, borrowing my mom's house shoes along with my sister), but I usually didn't think much of it.
Around 11, I realized I liked some of my sister's dresses and skirts... not because they were hers, but because they looked nice. I wish I had ones like them but was absolutely terrified to ask because of the strong gender associations. I wore them without permission and got into trouble a lot, and my parents and myself took years before we were able to properly deal with it (and it wasn't until I explored the Internet and higher education to realize what I was feeling wasn't the most remarkable thing ever). It was a scary time, especially since I was dealing with bullying in daycare during elementary age and also in middle/high school.
Granted, I was pretty certain I wasn't a woman or whatnot... the interest was purely from design. Over a long period of time, I grew more comfortable with the idea and got to the point where I could buy stuff and wear stuff in certain non-private settings (including a dogma-free church). I had even spent years here at Susan's, off and on. I've had other gender nonconforming expressions and interests, but the clothes are really the only thing in myself that people ever get worked up about.
Around 20 years later, though, I realized that "bloke who happens to wear certain dresses sometimes" wasn't quite who I was, and I've transitioned in a non-binary area that still hugs closer to male than female. After some hunting, a low-mid dose of injectable E has me where I am.
My whole childhood, I was really "bad" at being a girl. I hacked my hair off numerous times, begged my parents for "boy clothes," and in general really preferred mud and swords to Barbie and Easy-Bake. My Mom recently posted a picture to FB that was a really great example- I was about 4 years old, Easter Sunday, and wearing the most AWFUL pink dress imaginable. I looked like I was being tortured.
As an adolescent, I always had the distinct feeling of being very uncomfortable in my body. My breasts were always in the way, and I did my best to hide them (and my widening hips) in baggy jeans and men's t-shirts. I found things considered "typical" for adolescent girls to be strange and foreign- makeup, giggling (what is up with that anyway?), heels, etc.... it all just felt WEIRD. I quit caring about most of it.
Then, strangely, I spent most of my twenties presenting very femme- high-fashion makeup, dresses, long curly hair, the works. I got married, had a kid, and then BAM- I got smacked in the face with some of the worst dysphoria I have ever experienced. So now I am trying to figure it all out. I'm sticking with Genderqueer, because I genuinely feel like I float around somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, and present however I am feeling that day.
I've felt very envious of some here this past week, actually for a lot longer..
Your intellectial abilities to understand almost every aspect of things going on here, and the behaviors of many of the different journeys being traveled is amazing, and I'm always so blessed and in awe by those gifts you have..
I know I will never understand many things here, not because I don't care, but bevause the too long list of meds i have to take each day keep my mind in what feels like a mild fog most of the time.. My concentration suffers greatly, and I'm reduced to simple posts and replies much of the time..
I know that some have noticed this, and perhaps many of my posts seem frustratingly simple minded and incomplete of substance, but in all honestly I'm lucky to be doing as well as I am, thanks to spell check and grammar check.. Its just felt like a very bad week so far...
I don't want any sympathy, or anyone feeling bad about me, I just say these things because they have felt like a huge setback to me, and affected how I interact in some of the more thought provoking topics..
This is current thoughts in my journey as the title states..
Mark3, I think I know how you feel- sometimes trying to understand our own gender is extremely complicated, difficult, and painful. It takes a lot of mental power and emotional fortitude, and can leave us exhausted. Then we have no energy left to explain in understandable language to anyone else. If you add on to that life's other stressors and difficulties.... yeah. It's HARD.
Don't feel bad if you are having a hard time with this (never-ending) process. I think all of us struggle to define ourselves at some point.
mark, i find your simple posts very pleasant to read. apart from the excessive use of eclipses and question marks, they make you seem very insecure which in turn makes me worry about how you really are doing. not saying you shouldn't use them if that is how you feel, it just makes me worry a little and worry is never the most pleasant feeling.
some times, the best answers are found in the simplest thought. intellectual ability doesn't automatically make a person understand gender better, and can often serve to confuse more than help.
as for the last week, it should be over pretty much around right now. the week before you can see the new moon rise, is a very dark one. the darkness of the night is so profound, you'd be lucky to see anything at all. i've found that my mental state reflects the physical facts, and this is probably true for many others even i they aren't consciously aware of it. the time before full moon should get increasingly easy to bear.
I am ones of those guilty of using complex language and concepts, I have a degree level background in cultural studies and am active extensively in feminist spaces. I also have a huge and vested self interest in changing the way the world works and thinks about things like race, gender and ability. Is my understanding of gender inherently better than someone else's? Not really, I have no medical background and really I talk about the cultural implications of gender from the viewpoint of my politics. I'm an anarchist, a feminist and a radical queer.
If asked nicely I can break down concepts into more understandable language because I am privileged to have the education I do because it allows me to digest and understand things in ways that many people lack.
As for the last week, points have been made, a few tempers frayed and now change is building.
*puffs her chest out self importantly*
My work here is done :) ;)
Quote from: Taka on September 25, 2014, 02:21:25 AM
mark, i find your simple posts very pleasant to read. apart from the excessive use of eclipses and question marks, they make you seem very insecure which in turn makes me worry about how you really are doing. not saying you shouldn't use them if that is how you feel, it just makes me worry a little and worry is never the most pleasant feeling.
some times, the best answers are found in the simplest thought. intellectual ability doesn't automatically make a person understand gender better, and can often serve to confuse more than help.
as for the last week, it should be over pretty much around right now. the week before you can see the new moon rise, is a very dark one. the darkness of the night is so profound, you'd be lucky to see anything at all. i've found that my mental state reflects the physical facts, and this is probably true for many others even i they aren't consciously aware of it. the time before full moon should get increasingly easy to bear.
Lol, I just had to Google "eclipses", I had no idea that was actually a part of Grammar. I picked that habit up about 10+ years ago, doing these forum sites (different theme) and similar pages, just as a visual way to be unique. They must have covered that topic in an English class that I remember crushing on my teacher, and paid little attention to the lessons. :)
Oh thats for sure, using "?" is because of insecurity. I think I do that to subconsciously leave me a way out of a thought, like an excuse of uncertainty in case I'm disagreed with. It's kind of childish in a lot of ways.
I can understand your full moon analogy. I feel light shining through again, it feels good. One thing I seem to notice about this msg board, and group in general, is the highs and lows here are more extreme than usual in a group, and it's for some of us difficult not to get caught up in a whirlwind, that might usually only be a simple light breeze in other places.
Quote from: Dread_Faery on September 25, 2014, 04:52:31 AM
I am ones of those guilty of using complex language and concepts, I have a degree level background in cultural studies and am active extensively in feminist spaces. I also have a huge and vested self interest in changing the way the world works and thinks about things like race, gender and ability. Is my understanding of gender inherently better than someone else's? Not really, I have no medical background and really I talk about the cultural implications of gender from the viewpoint of my politics. I'm an anarchist, a feminist and a radical queer.
If asked nicely I can break down concepts into more understandable language because I am privileged to have the education I do because it allows me to digest and understand things in ways that many people lack.
Haha, guilty as charged.! Just kidding, your thoughts are very spot-on and accurate with things going on, nothing at all wrong with that.
I may like to ask you to elaborate on a thought or topic now and then, so I can wrap my brain around it better.
Quote from: Dread_Faery on September 25, 2014, 04:54:20 AM
As for the last week, points have been made, a few tempers frayed and now change is building.
*puffs her chest out self importantly*
My work here is done :) ;)
You may have next week off.! Go to a tropical island, be served drinks with umbrella's in them, and work on your tan on a lounge chair by the sea. :) :)
Quote from: Mark3 on September 25, 2014, 07:33:55 AM
You may have next week off.! Go to a tropical island, be served drinks with umbrella's in them, and work on your tan on a lounge chair by the sea. :) :)
Mark3, I understand your concerns. I have memory issues and my cognitive functioning is mildly impaired from my years of severe alcohol abuse. As a result, writing posts for Susan's, especially long ones, it will take me several hours to make sure I get every paragraph correct, I will go over every sentence because I want to be absolutely sure that my message comes through loud and clear and that I hopefully, do not send the wrong message... Some days are better than others, some are worse.
I vote we create a Beach resort thread where everyone can go and relax! Could be a change of scenery from the forest (not that the forest is a bad thing)
I agree, Dread_Faery, thank you for creating that thread, it got a little out of hand in the beginning but thankfully it has calmed down. If you do drink, have a mojitio? I can't think of any good beach-y cocktails haha
i drink beer at the beach...
why don't we just find some nice big lake in the forest? i don't think the water needs to be salty just to enjoy the white sandy beach.
we do have our highs and lows, and it seems about as uncontrollable as gender switching is for me.
just happens, but i'm sure we can find better ways to handle it though.
Could we find a skatepark next to a lake? And mines a cider :)
what we can't find, we will create. it's our own reality after all.
Quote from: Taka on September 25, 2014, 12:52:32 PM
what we can't find, we will create. it's our own reality after all.
Truth
Update on my journey. ;)
I'm getting a lot more comfortable being me.
Ive noticed it in lots of different parts of my life.
I'm more self secure than I used to be.
I've gone from feeling defensive about parts of
myself I used to be uncomfortable showing others
openly, to being proud of some of my differences in
the way I am.
I don't let others bother me as much as I used to,
and have worked a lot on rising above it when someone
looks at me funny for liking something different, or tries
to point out my faults in how I'm thinking about myself now.
Im still in the beginning I know, but Im moving ahead every day.
I don't want to dwell on my old feelings anymore than necessary,
and an making a daily effort to learn and expand my knowledge about my personal differences in gender identity from that of many around me in the real world..
Thank you to everyone here so much, you don't know your topics, posts and comments are helping me understand things better, but they are, and you are.!
I really love many here so sincerely.!
End of update... :D
that sounds very healthy and interesting too.
i think many binary and cis people also could benefit from learning to be more open as the person they are, and not care too much about what a few other people think.
my impression is that most people don' really care too mych, and the ones who always find fault or insist on not understanding, are in the minority.
Quote from: Taka on October 07, 2014, 06:11:47 AM
that sounds very healthy and interesting too.
i think many binary and cis people also could benefit from learning to be more open as the person they are, and not care too much about what a few other people think.
my impression is that most people don' really care too mych, and the ones who always find fault or insist on not understanding, are in the minority.
That's very well put, I think you're very right.
I don't think most people care about it too much, but it has seemed to set back some close friendships I had.
I don't know how to explain that, I'm sure there's a reason why when CIS friends find out you don't think of yourself in those terms any longer, it tends to push most away a distance, even if they say we're still friends.?
Oh well, it is what it is.. :D
Mark
So far so good. Old friends have been really good, positive, interested and supportive. All of them have said that they felt privileged that I was sharing this intimate insight with them. So far it feels like it has made the relationships deeper, more trusted, honest and authentic. The challenge for me is to know when to stop talking, as I love talking about the trans experience and they don't seem to think it is a big deal once they know that I am ok
Safe travels
Aisla
That sounds so nice Aisla, I wish I had friends like that.
My best friends in real life are older 40-50+ like me, and
are pretty set in they're ways, and what they think.
They say they're so tolorant, but not really. Its not they're
fault, its just how they were raised and taught.
:D
Some of my old friends have gone by the wayside or moved away. Even though I'm pretty darned old in years both my wife and I find that we are more readily accepted by a younger set in their 30's and 40's and enjoy being with them, probably because of my eldest son who is Mr. Party Central and loves to entertain big crowds we always get invited and are missed if we don't show up.
I hear ya Shan, thats me to. Most of the people I connect with are younger..
People have told me I'm an old person with a young soul, sounds like we share in that trait.!
Quote from: Mark3 on October 12, 2014, 08:19:08 AM
I hear ya Shan, thats me to. Most of the people I connect with are younger..
People have told me I'm an old person with a young soul, sounds like we share in that trait.!
Most people my age are old geezers and look, act, dress and behave like it, I'm just resistant to all that old person stuff as long as I have what it takes I'd prefer not to think and act as if I'm about to drop dead any moment. There's a proverb that says, "As a man thinks, therefore he is" meaning if you think and act old you will get there in a hurry, I'm up for smelling the roses and enjoying life thank you!
Satin Joy, Mark, and other denizens of the forest,
I've just spent the time to read this thread and am better for the experience. Thank You - I love all of you. I'm afraid I'm crying a little, I have been doing that a lot lately. My journey is harder than I would hope right now. Tuesday the legal process begins anew. I so identify with Suzi, I need to have surgery to be whole, but wholeness is every bit as much defined inside as out, and the inside journey markers keep moving.
I was contemplating a season ending run down the coast this weekend, but the weather is stormy and I am a biker bitch wimp these days. I am with a lover who keeps me safe and warm instead, which is good because I keep wanting to take stupid risks on motorcycles and elsewhere.
There is a special mountain in the north cascades that I once free climbed alone in an afternoon of insanity. I spent the night on the top of naked granite, with 1000 meter nearly vertical cliffs all around. The next morning hypothermic and euphoric I managed to down climb without peeling off. I lived, at the time that was bittersweet. I've always wondered why? Perhaps because I needed to find this special forest.
My story is documented all over these pages and that is enough. My life has traveled from political activist nerd kid - to crazy theater person - to engineer computer geek - to woman/man/child becoming - to whatever I am today. I have too much to do to die, and too many people who need me to run.
So what is left is acceptance and growth, but it is sometimes so very hard. I am so very grateful that all of you are here.
Peace,
Julie
I'm so glad your here Julie.
You're so real and down to earth, I love reading your journey and experiences.
I will be hoping so much you get all of the surgeries and everything you need to feel complete.
You're so right too, our changes are both within and on the outside.
hugs :)
Julie!
I finally sold my motorcycle, there was a big umbilical cord between me and that machine that was hard to cut. I was an all weather riding lunatic and almost got smooshed by cars and trucks several times. Spent some time on the peaks overnight as well, but I'm a comfort creature now and prefer to look at them from a distance. Glad you're here in the forest with the rest of us critters, you are indeed a very special person we can all love and appreciate. You're not going anywhere, we won't let you sweetie!
Shan,
Except that I have never been shot at, sometimes I think we are twins. :-*
j
Quote from: JulieBlair on October 12, 2014, 10:03:59 AM
Shan,
Except that I have never been shot at, sometimes I think we are twins. :-*
j
Yes but the way the world is that could change! If we are twins then mom must have loved you best because you are very attractive and well, just look at me, I can't do a thing with my hair! :'(
I told Facebook about being non binary... No one batted an eyelid
Quote from: Dread_Faery on October 12, 2014, 01:48:06 PM
I told Facebook about being non binary... No one batted an eyelid
A good sign, they either got it or it went right over their heads. Either way you don't need any drama or conflict!
came out to this girl, and after assuring her that beard and mini-penis are ok with me, all she commented was that "would've been a shame if i were a lesbian".
didn't explain anything other than wanting t to grow manlier. seems she got it without needing labels for anything.
Julie if you pm me you will get that call from the car girl.
I wish I had more time, my journey just continues to change and get more and more intense as time progresses. I need to comment here again later, maybe tomorrow, I know something is different, and it kind of scares me. Satinjoy has become so strong...
Taka is that your shadow? Its not the sootball..... and cool comment from your friend.
I think people of female birth must have some really complicated stuff surgically to deal with in order to feel better. Can't really envision it, looking it up on line would probably kind of blow my mind a bit.
Heading for the shrink today and bringing my youngest daughter with me, the poor thing is so damaged and needs help. She has seen me full transition, is accepting.
Blessings.
it's the closest thing i could easily find to a shadow. sootball seems to have hidden under a bed somewhere, it will be back eventually.
this friend of mine is really cool, and.. uh.. more than just lgbt friendly. quite cis, but neither lesbian nor straight.
i hope your daughter will feel a little better soon. completely devastated is not the greatest feeling i've ever known.
When I was a kid I had no idea what gender I was, I remember being really confused. This confusion never left. I remember hitting puberty and hating the changes my body went through, crying for no reason. At 16 I tried to come out as trans (after coming out as a lesbian) but quickly went back in the closet and stopped talking about it. I continued to struggle for years. I'm now 22, got my first few binders (finally) and am married to a wonderful person who accepts me for who I am.
Quote from: Noam on October 14, 2014, 01:03:04 PM
When I was a kid I had no idea what gender I was, I remember being really confused. This confusion never left. I remember hitting puberty and hating the changes my body went through, crying for no reason. At 16 I tried to come out as trans (after coming out as a lesbian) but quickly went back in the closet and stopped talking about it. I continued to struggle for years. I'm now 22, got my first few binders (finally) and am married to a wonderful person who accepts me for who I am.
You can't beat that! Must be a real keeper!
She still struggles with it but I know she loves me for who I am beyond my gender :)
Quote from: Noam on October 16, 2014, 07:58:25 AM
She still struggles with it but I know she loves me for who I am beyond my gender :)
And isn't that really where the rubber meets the road? Obviously you both took your vows seriously, and then it became permanent! :eusa_clap:
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on September 16, 2014, 12:47:12 PM
Oh, this will be quite boring read so proceed at Your own discretion.
I was born 36 years ago in the country which does not exist anymore. ...
...
Emily,
I was reading through this thread and am finding all the stories very familiar. I found yours especially enlightening on an emotional level as I am still searching within myself. I just started my journey of discovery and am finding the non-binary stories more of the path I have been following all these years. Thank you for sharing and I am glad you are here! Thank you!
-Sarah Marie
Well the journey keeps on for me, having found my core and gender now it is becoming learning to embrace it, and to show more of it.
Where I struggle is that as a not male not female. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere but here, I feel very different, very alone, just too unique. When I push the envelope to be more authentic all the decades of abuse hit, the depression comes, and I want to run away.
Part of the acceptance process I guess.
So, today for me too, it is just be.
I wish this wasn't so hard, but it is.
Still, it isn't bad considering what I am up against...the thing that took me by surprise is having to fight booze cravings again, they are back.
But that will also pass.
Emotional again. It happens, then I drive all of you crazy, but what else can I do?
It's all survival with me, laced with periods of joy.
Crap I hate it when I get like this, bear with me, it will pass.
Satinjoy
just drive us crazy until it passes.
i've been driving people crazy too, it helped get through painful times.
Quote from: Satinjoy on October 20, 2014, 12:06:26 PM
Well the journey keeps on for me, having found my core and gender now it is becoming learning to embrace it, and to show more of it.
Where I struggle is that as a not male not female. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere but here, I feel very different, very alone, just too unique. When I push the envelope to be more authentic all the decades of abuse hit, the depression comes, and I want to run away.
Part of the acceptance process I guess.
So, today for me too, it is just be.
I wish this wasn't so hard, but it is.
Still, it isn't bad considering what I am up against...the thing that took me by surprise is having to fight booze cravings again, they are back.
But that will also pass.
Emotional again. It happens, then I drive all of you crazy, but what else can I do?
It's all survival with me, laced with periods of joy.
Crap I hate it when I get like this, bear with me, it will pass.
Satinjoy
Oh hell Satinjoy. You can't drive me crazy, I've already taken that little trip. Kind of figured I would stay for a while.
That is just part of understanding who we really are.
As for your struggle hon. I don't fit in anywhere either. Don't really want to. I personally like being different. Some don't I know, some really want to fit in. But from my experience the less I try to fit in, the more that it seems like the less it matters.
A lot of times what you are describing like feeling very different, very alone, to unique or different sounds to me like a subconscious way of fighting it. The more you fight it the more you will feel the negativity of it. We all want to belong and we do. We are all humans and if it were not for the great diversity of the human race, it probably would have died out a long time ago. This is gonna' sound stupid and I don't want to make you mad or hurt or anything else but maybe instead of feeling like running away from it, try to run toward it and embrace it. Sounds to me from that first statement, in a subconscious way, you are running from it and then stopping to look back and letting it gain on you and seems to be gaining on you faster than you are running. And every time it gains ground you are accepting it a little bit more. But that is just my opinion and in no way of a professional capacity.
Quite the process isn't it. Today is a good day, it is getting better slowly all the time.
Being trans is a big thing to me, overwhelming if I think about it, but living.in the moment, I can fly...
I think you nailed it, my dear wild one, I don't say thank you enough either, and I appreciate you.
Thanks, agreed, it's what's real, but still a wild ride into my truth.
Blessings
Satinjoy
Quote from: Satinjoy on October 21, 2014, 05:05:26 PM
Quite the process isn't it. Today is a good day, it is getting better slowly all the time.
Being trans is a big thing to me, overwhelming if I think about it, but living.in the moment, I can fly...
I think you nailed it, my dear wild one, I don't say thank you enough either, and I appreciate you.
Thanks, agreed, it's what's real, but still a wild ride into my truth.
Blessings
Satinjoy
Oh Sweety. Just enjoy the "wild" ride. It is way more interesting than the boring Sunday drive. 90 MPH on twisting mountain roads never knowing if you are goanna' crash and burn. It's just interesting and have fun doing it and when you get to the bottom on the straight away, you know you made it.
It is an adventure for sure. But that is part of it. Discovering stuff about yourself that may have been hidden or suppressed for God knows how long. You don't ever have to thank me. If ever you need, just holler. You may not like the path I take you own but it will get you out of the darkest part of the forest. OK?
I think being trans is probably the biggest thing in all our lives. We all have that commonality. Gender is confusing. It is about who you are and not what turns you own like sexual orientation. It would have been a lot easier if I would have been a gay guy now days, instead of a MTF non binary bi girl. I know exactly what turns me on and no dysphoria or confusion over that. But who I am and where I want to go has been with me all my life.
i value driving safely. makes it easier to not kill innocent bystanders.
they're on mountain roads too sometimes.
i'm not doing anything without knowing how i hope it will end, and how it can turn out in a worst case scenario.
i like thinking about things rather than making rash decisions.
being trans is just a way of being to me.
not an obligation or an adventure or anything. just a way of being.
life is an adventure though, if we want it to be.
Why drive down mountain roads when you can skate?
I've been thinking about the label that I've chosen to describe my gender, demigirl, and what it means to me. Obviously I see myself as being somewhere on the feminine and female scale, but I don't see myself in male terms at all. The part of me that isn't feminine isn't really gendered at all, which I guess means that I'm kind of agender but also feminine. Perhaps this will change, perhaps it won't, but at the moment it feels comfortable to me.
Quote from: Dread_Faery on October 24, 2014, 05:17:34 AM
Why drive down mountain roads when you can skate?
I've been thinking about the label that I've chosen to describe my gender, demigirl, and what it means to me. Obviously I see myself as being somewhere on the feminine and female scale, but I don't see myself in male terms at all. The part of me that isn't feminine isn't really gendered at all, which I guess means that I'm kind of agender but also feminine. Perhaps this will change, perhaps it won't, but at the moment it feels comfortable to me.
As to the car, I keep it on a race track and it is thrilling. Not very ladylike, you talk about fluidity kicking in....
Yeah the labels get wierd on a one liner. Transwoman? Demigirl?
How about Difference-maker? That would be you my dear...
i like demigirl. sounds a little bit like a demigod(dess).
i can't use that term though. i'm as woman as a woman can be, when i am.
it's rare though, and i usually prefer to be seen as just some random dude.
that's not a gender at all is it? all i can see it as, is a state of being.
Difference-maker sounds very grand for little old me... Just some mouthy skater punk who isn't scared to share her opinion.
Quote from: Dread_Faery on October 24, 2014, 07:46:00 AM
Difference-maker sounds very grand for little old me... Just some mouthy skater punk who isn't scared to share her opinion.
Bull cookies.
Little old you has made a difference to little old me.
All I can think of to say is this :D
saw my new gp, and a student who's practicing here.
second time i "come out" to a gp. this time it felt less like coming out, and more like telling my story.
they both listened intently, then my new gp (first time i met him) told me to write my own journal post and give them.
because he has no idea how to describe what i told him, and he'd need a whole day of in-depth interview to get a grasp on what he should write.
but he's positive, and that's what matters most.
either he can help, or he can't. he'll be trying, and i hope he will be allowed to help me the way i need.
Cool taka hope it works out well for you.
I had the guts to go full tilt gq to my endo today. Levels are too low so up goes the ecyp dose again, hope it's right. But the validation I got with this presentation, now much more andro, was nice, the receptionist commented on my nails, nice, and I got a knee-jerk ....you're beautiful... in as that turned out to be real, the guy thought I was eye candy.
This is working for me now....
Meanwhile I lean hard on my trans family. Need to.
Blessings
Satinjoy
Good luck with your new GP Taka, it's a big thing finding one who actually wants to help :)
"It takes a long time"..!
It's weird...
Here I can feel free to share the most personal things without a care or apprehension.
It's taken a long time to get comfortable like that on my other pages.?
Tonight on my FB, I posted "My Chic Mind was taking over, and I was going to go to some other pages"..
I never would have said that before, I have neighbors and people from my real life reading it..?
I was terrified being openly honest like that around them.
But I did, and have been openly honest for a while now, and it hasn't seemed to caus any troubles at all,
in fact I've gotten positive replies, cuz I guess they knew I was always like that.? Or something.? I don't know.?
All I know is it takes a lot of time to get comfortable being yourself around others, especially those we care about most, cuz we have more to loose from them I suppose..
Well, thats my thoughts tonight.
PS. and yeah, haha, my chic mind is still in gear... >:-)
the greatest revelation was that i can be me even if my body isn't perfect enough to reflect what i feel like inside.
i can't prove dysphoria in any "classical" way. too happy for that, wouldn't even consider suicide over something like having some parts too many or little.
think i'll have to use the weekend for writing my not too long presentation of myself, my background, and how my little problem has affected my life.
it's good that my gp is positive and wants to help.
only problem is that he has no idea how, so this will take some time.
i really hope nobody will try to stop me from getting help with this.
that i can have a happy life even without treatment doesn't mean that i'll be content with my situation. it's distracting in many situations, painful other times, so...
how do i write that so medical professionals can understand this kind of need...
Taka your situation drives me crazy, I get frustrated and wish there was a way for you to get what your heart desires, you certainly deserve that.
I don't know what gp is. General practioner or gender policeperson maybe. Wonder what would happen if you visited the states for 4 months, saw my therapist, walked out with your non binary letter of recommendation and presented it as complying to the SOC in your country, requiring hormones to meet your needs. If it came to that.
Dunno. Cant figure it out, just feel outraged.
As to Mark, yeah, the quiet times, its Thursday morning and I am full transition and in something unwise to print on Susans that I used to wear in the heart of my compulsive trans behaviors. Now its just me, natural. But I choose who I reveal to, there are places I am full throttle, places I am half throttle, and places where I have my foot off the gas. Car is the same high horsepower androyne body, but I don't push it too hard, although my social boundaries and home boundaries are reset now further to the so called female side of presentations.
Anyway I am happy for you. And you can say anything in here, this place is very, very special.
my situation is that either my gp will do his best to get educated and give me what i'm seeking, or i have no choice but to go to harry benjamin's good disciples at the national gid clinic. but i don't feel like raging too much at it. instead i'll go through a process where i make myself more visible, and challenge the system as it is today.
I to, want so bad for Taka's hearts desires to be fulfilled.!
I am similar with little or no dysphoria, I really get that.
Yes I kinda understand that SatinJoy.
Sometimes I dream at night all these things, I mean pretty risque things, all having to do with myself expressing different feelings of trans.. Like I was trapped in a clothing store overnight, and it was so vivid trying things for the first time.? Yikes, don't read this mom.! But then I wake up, and its just SSDD (same s%$# different day).. Just subconscious jibber jabber I guess, yet they move me slightly in real life somehow.?
I'm glad I'm not in a hurry now to figure things out, cuz I think now that getting there is half the fun..I wish some of the young newer binary members could see that..
Quote from: Taka on October 30, 2014, 07:38:11 AM
my situation is that either my gp will do his best to get educated and give me what i'm seeking, or i have no choice but to go to harry benjamin's good disciples at the national gid clinic. but i don't feel like raging too much at it. instead i'll go through a process where i make myself more visible, and challenge the system as it is today.
Good plan Taka, probably the best considering how things are in the Norsk countries. NatKat "Tony" is an activist, he and I have discussed this at great length. I hardily concur with your plan on a personal level, as that was my own approach as I did an end run around the Benjamin Standards myself. I think I was most put off by the RLE requirement at the time as I couldn't envision myself in a woman's dress for one year. But back then, no-one would have heard of non-binary as an option to the two binaries.
Taka, I hope everything goes smoothly. I am thinking of you and wishing all the best! :)