I am a 15 y/o M/F transsexual and I think my parents have found out about it. I wanted to tell my two best friends first because I know they would accept me and treat me the way I would like to be treated. My parents found my stash of bras and are now questioning me because they want to know why I had a stash of bras hidden. What is the best way to tell my parents that I am transsexual and that I want to be a girl without completely freaking them out? Please answer quickly because I think tonight or tomorrow night they expect an answer from me. If you need more information to help me please feel free to ask.
Here are a few resources that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,192499.msg1716659.html#msg1716659
Just ask if you have further questions...
hugs
you know your situation better than me, but i feel like if you don't come clean now you'll regret it later in life. i've seen that a lot. don't feel like you have to though; take things at the pace you feel comfortable with. your parents might be confused at first but that's okay, just try to see things from their point of view and don't get mad at each other. best of luck :)
Thank you Laura_7 I am about to read what you linked right now and I will let you know if it really did help me.
Beastinfection I do and I think my parents will be accepting and let me go to therapists but I was hoping I could have some nice people, not that you all are not nice all of you are amazing, I just wanted some of the people I can talk to everyday to be able and support me. I will try to do everything you suggested.
Quote from: Murplethepurple on July 21, 2015, 03:15:24 PM
Beastinfection I do and I think my parents will be accepting and let me go to therapists but I was hoping I could have some nice people, not that you all are not nice all of you are amazing, I just wanted some of the people I can talk to everyday to be able and support me. I will try to do everything you suggested.
why can't your parents be those people? i understand it's daunting but from what you've said they sound understanding and they'll be able to support you :)
I have had some prior argument with my parents on how I feel I should be able to live how I want and more often than not they want to teach me to live a certain way so society does not make fun of me. I have ADD and I have an immature brain due to bullying that took place when I went to a certain school.
i understand - well intentioned but poorly understood help :/ take things at your own speed and if you dont feel comfortable telling them then don't, but if you decide to try to also understand what they're feeling and that it would probably a bit of a bombshell. they obviously have your safety in mind so i'm sure they'll try to understand how you feel
Thank you for all of your help and well intentioned help. It is difficult to relate through forum posts how parents and family members are.
you know your situation best but best of luck with whatever you decide :)
Laura_7 your link was very helpful in figuring out what I am going to do.
Beastinfection thank you again for all of your help and understanding of my situation.
Quote from: Murplethepurple on July 21, 2015, 03:45:06 PM
Laura_7 your link was very helpful in figuring out what I am going to do.
Beastinfection thank you again for all of your help and understanding of my situation.
I'm glad it helped.
By the way there is also a chat... if you want to communicate more with people...
you can even use your own chat program, the ports etc. are written on the top, to the right...
and after 15 postings you can exchange private messages...
hugs
Thank you all for your help and i feel like I am repeating myself for the millionth time. My mom just told me that I am going ot have to explain myself tonight and if I don't I am going to be taken out of the will. Wish me luck when I tell her.
I spotted this thread a little late. We do welcome others in your life like your parents so if you think it would help for them to talk directly with us, that is an option. In the end it is your decision.
threatening exclusion from the will seems rather extreme over this? :/
Quote from: beastinfection on July 21, 2015, 04:48:30 PM
threatening exclusion from the will seems rather extreme over this? :/
Sometimes it's just a tool to get somebody to conform and sometimes it's real. Not all people are understanding.
My parents have found a lot of feminine stuff that i have stashed and hidden over the past few years and are a little annoyed with why they keep finding things. I think since this is female undergarments they need an answer and quick. I don't think they would really exclude me from the will but they would definetly punish me for lying.
i was hoping it was just a bluff to coax you into answering.
after coming to this site and reading very real situations where people are disowned and ostracized has kind of made me think how surreal and absurd it is that people even need to worry about that - especially with the people who gave birth to you and/or raised you? i'm just being naive but it's sad that parents won't accept their own children. your parents don't seem like the type to do this; i'm just thinking out loud
They are very accepting but they are also quite slow in understanding LGBT individuals because they were raised in a time when it was not the media's first concern. They did not even know what LGBT meant until I became friends with a guy who was gay and had two gay fathers. And they still do not quite understand how people could like the same gender as themselves. I just want to start living as myself and I do not know if telling them the truth will speed that up or slow it down
Actually I suspect there isn't a will or if there is, there isn't much money involved. Small amounts of money are moved with a Will. People who have large amounts of money use Trust and other far more complex devices to keep the money from the IRS and to ensure their desires are carried out. As little money as I have, we are talking about a Trust for me because a Will can cause some real problems if things play out a certain way.
They just said they would. I don't even know if we have one.
Well its up to you what you say or show since you know them best...
the NHS brochure explicitly states for trans people, their families and healthcare staff...
and the unicorn dads website is specifically for parents...
one strategy could be to explain your feelings, show some materials and tell them you want to see a good gender therapist...
the gender therapist to help you along, maybe with easy reversible steps first, to help you find out how they make you feel...
so that you have someone to guide you and help you along, and no rash but appropriate steps are made.... appropriate also in your favour, so that it moves along...
oh and here is another resource that might help...
hawaii.edu/hivandaids/Some_Considerations_in_Coming_Out_Trans_to_Your_Parents_and_Family.pdf
hugs
That is probably a good idea but I think if i am going to tell them the truth then they will need to hear the whole truth. Not to mention my sister got in legal trouble last year and we have not monetarily gotten back from all the court costs and lawyer fees.
Quote from: Murplethepurple on July 21, 2015, 05:20:12 PM
That is probably a good idea but I think if i am going to tell them the truth then they will need to hear the whole truth. Not to mention my sister got in legal trouble last year and we have not monetarily gotten back from all the court costs and lawyer fees.
Well you might ask at plannedparenthood or a lgbt center for some counseling...
some gender therapists offer sliding scales, and there are even online therapists...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=187135.0
and if its connected with depression or emotional issues it might be covered...
hugs
I would ask at a LGBT center but there are none that I can find that I can get to myself or any that anybody could take me to. There arnt even any that my parents could drive me too. It wasn't connected with depression or emotional issues. She just wanted to follow the popular kids and ended up getting arrested for it.
I have 25 minutes before I have to tell my mom that I am transsexual. If you have any last minute tips for me please post them soon. Thank you all for your great support and I hope all goes well and she agrees to support me.
is there any way you can get to a therapist or counselor of some sort to support you through this. A school psychologist or counselor. Even asking your parents if they were willing to let you see a private psychologist to help you. If you could you'd have an independent knowledgeable person on your side.
I wish I could talk to my school counselor but it is summer and I still have a couple of months before school starts. I was planning on telling my two best friends before telling my parents but they were out of town and they have parents who moniter all of their electronic doings.
Relax and don't lie. It's going to be hard on you but look them in the eye and be proud.
Thank you for those tips Dena. I will put them to good use.
Well, we're here for you. Let us know what happens and maybe we can give you more ideas.
Going to talk to my mom now. Will let you all know probably tommorrow but maybe tonight if I can't sleep which is quite common for me especially when stressed or scared.
good luck hope everything goes ok
It went better than I expected. My mom said she had to think about it for a little while but until she comes to a full conclusion of what she heard I am still the same person to her. Makes me feel a little better. Thanks you all for your wonderful tips and suggestions. I will alert you what her desicion is once she makes one and tells me.
You were brave and handled it well. Make sure your mother is aware that you can answer any questions she might have and if you don't know the answer, we are here as a resource you can draw on. Sad thing about this is the children have to become adults in order to deal with their problem. You have just shown that you are worthy of the title of adult in your handling of this problem. We expect to see you more around here as you deal with the many problems you will have in the future so don't forget to write often. Good luck.
Thank you Dena
Congratulations and well done :)
If you have any questions just ask.
Keep to a mental picture of a good outcome... your parents being supportive :)
*hugs*
Thank you so much Laura_7.
Are there any good sources for my mom to look at on how to make life for a transgender youth easier or something like that. really just anything that can help her I would appreciate. I would like to give her some things so she can better educate herself as to what I am going through.
Is it normal for parents to treat their kids like they are different after they learn that their child is transgender? I feel like my mom is treating me differently and acting differently around me. Any tips?
she just found out. she is your mother and loves you no matter what. give her a little time
Reassure her you are the same person you were before and will be come a better person because you won't have to hid this problem anymore. Almost all of us improve as we get treatment because we no longer have to deal with the depression and uncomfortable feelings any more. My personality is a great deal different that before I started treatment and I am sure if you knew the old me and the new me, you would like the new me much better.
A little side note, your mother will have to do a lot to help you, so help her when ever you can and thank her often for what she is doing. This will help her understand how important this is to you.
Quote from: Murplethepurple on July 22, 2015, 06:20:02 PM
Is it normal for parents to treat their kids like they are different after they learn that their child is transgender? I feel like my mom is treating me differently and acting differently around me. Any tips?
You could give the male/female twin comparison... you will be like your male/female twin, with the same sense of humour... in the core the same person...
hugs
Thank you all for your help. Hopefully she will get used to the idea and will start acting normal around me.
Hello Im new here and since this was a topic I wanted to ask if there was a way to make a joke out of my being transgender? My family takes things better when it is funny. Any suggestions?
Quote from: Turtlesrule on July 23, 2015, 10:29:08 AM
Hello Im new here and since this was a topic I wanted to ask if there was a way to make a joke out of my being transgender? My family takes things better when it is funny. Any suggestions?
Welcome to Susan's Place. There are a number of jokes/ funny moments after you have come out but coming out is pretty serious and the humor is best avoided until after the business is completed. A sense of humor is something my family has as well and I was blessed with a really twisted mind that sees humor in far to many thing but when I came out to my mother, there was no humor about it.
Quote from: Dena on July 23, 2015, 10:51:16 AM
There are a number of jokes/ funny moments after you have come out but coming out is pretty serious and the humor is best avoided until after the business is completed. A sense of humor is something my family has as well and I was blessed with a really twisted mind that sees humor in far to many thing but when I came out to my mother, there was no humor about it.
Ok. I have that same sense of humor. Not sure my family sees humor in as many things as I do though. My friends think i am a sociopath. Probably not good reputation. I will try to ease the tension afterwards with a "really" funny joke.
Quote from: Turtlesrule on July 23, 2015, 11:06:56 AM
Ok. I have that same sense of humor. Not sure my family sees humor in as many things as I do though. My friends think i am a sociopath. Probably not good reputation. I will try to ease the tension afterwards with a "really" funny joke.
There is something I have noted about those of us who deal with transsexualism and that is our mind tends to be more flexible and open that other people's minds. I think it's the result of attempting to resolve our feelings that opens up to thoughts most people don't think about much. On reason I enjoy this web site so much is the flow of ideas and the people behind the ideas. I knew this in therapy many years ago but it has been missing from my life until I discovered Susan's. I like to think of myself as somewhat abnormal because who wants to be just normal? In any case, enjoy you quest and if I can help you, let me know.
I like that. Thinking of yourself as abnormal. I am pretty sure that according to "normal" society we are abnormal. I like to think of myself as a free human. Staying away from social stereotypes. They cause too much confusion anyways.
I wish that I had the courage to tell my mom now but I am scared she will just throw it to the side as a "phase" and not take me seriously.
I don't know how old you are but I am guessing from your writing that you are 16 or a bit older. You mind seems even older that that but we have to grow up fast so that's not to uncommon. If you want to come out the best approach is a proper education on the facts and documentation to support your view point. If you want to make the effort, we will over the next week or two help you learn your argument so when you face your parents you will be able to educate them on the facts of life (what a change). For starters the following link will give you something to chew on.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_transsexualism (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_transsexualism)
Thanks for the link. Am reading it now. I'm just about to turn 17. The problem is I am like the best procrastinator in the world so I just keep saying I will do it at so and so time and then say you know what im going to read something about it I have already read a million times. Im ready to tell them. Just dont got the courage.
Quote from: Turtlesrule on July 23, 2015, 12:43:40 PM
Thanks for the link. Am reading it now. I'm just about to turn 17. The problem is I am like the best procrastinator in the world so I just keep saying I will do it at so and so time and then say you know what im going to read something about it I have already read a million times. Im ready to tell them. Just dont got the courage.
Another August baby? The courage we can't do very much about t however you should consider the earlier we get you into treatment, the better the outcome will be. I wasn't able to address the damage until I was in my mid 20's and by then T had done it's job well. In the end, the decision will be yours.
The 26th. Sucks cause nobody thinks I try hard but I try harder than anyone in the family. Too bad can't do anything about courage. Maybe I should tell myself that it is not only for them but also for myself so that way I can relax and feel good about myself?
I feel really scared. I now have a feeling of I dont care about anything. Im tired of it all. Being terrified of peoples reactions, hiding my true self, Im tired of it and I dont care. Is that A normal feeling?
I am August 20th. Coming out may be one of the hardest things you do in your life. I had to be driven to the point of suicide before I could face my family and it took all my effort to tell my mom. She told my father so I didn't have to face him. I couldn't eat for three days after that because my stomach was tied in a knot and I could get more than a few mouths full of food down before my stomach told me that was enough. My sister had done the ground work for me with her drug problem so I was taken seriously but my mother though this was a problem she could "fix" so she didn't understand what the outcome would be.
I know my schooling suffered because of dealing with this and the only way I was able to force it into the back ground with with programming that drew all my attention away from my emotions. Once you come out it will take some pressure off you and over time treatment will eliminate the transsexualism from your life but there has to be a first step and you will have to make it. When you come out it will be for yourself. Treatment wasn't very available in my time and so little was knowing about TS. Today, we can get you treatment in days and if needed over the internet. The younger of us in treatment were in our mid 20's, now they are treating 3 and 4 year old children so they will never have to go through this. You have so many options open to you and you only need to reach out for help. We can't do it for you because we have no clue who you are and where you are. That is a condition of this web site. As I said the decision is yours and I want you to go for it so you don't have to go through a much latter transition like I did.
Thank you for all the support. You like programming too? That's awsome. One of the only things i am good at. It is also a way for me to make sketchy income to help myself go to college. I had no idea it could take only a couple of days to get treatment. I thought it was at least weeks or months before anybody would consider it. Maybe I can come out after all. Thanks (redundant) for helping me get meaning back into my life. I now care about being open and only living as my true self. Hopefully it will make it easier to come out.
Quote from: Turtlesrule on July 23, 2015, 02:38:39 PM
Thank you for all the support. You like programming too? That's awsome. One of the only things i am good at. It is also a way for me to make sketchy income to help myself go to college. I had no idea it could take only a couple of days to get treatment. I thought it was at least weeks or months before anybody would consider it. Maybe I can come out after all. Thanks (redundant) for helping me get meaning back into my life. I now care about being open and only living as my true self. Hopefully it will make it easier to come out.
By treatment I mean therapy. Hormones take longer as they have to feel comfortable in giving them to you. Blocker they are a little more free with as they don't do any lasting harm and give you more time to decide.
I paid all my living expenses, medical cost and saved for my retirement with Fortans and mostly Assembler programmings. I like being down on the metal but I have played around with C a bit.
Any treatment is better than no treatment. Especially since I know my parents are very open and accepting people in general. Hopefully once I come out they will let me socially transition. What are the legal requirements for being considered a female? I still have to go to school this year as a boy but maybe next year I can register as female. I think puberty blockers might be too expensive for my family. :'( I pay about a fifth of my school tuition from summer jobs and my programming. I create and maintain websites for some lets say internet sensations. Of course I do not use my real name when working with them because I can only do so much at one time.
None of my paper work was altered until I was post surgical. My only defense was a letter I carried from my doctor explaining I was under treatment and part of the treatment required living in the female gender. The letter was needed because they had some strange laws on the books about driving in disguise and it was in case of issues in the rest room. I never used the letter once. Legal standards understand us better now and if you are somewhat stealth you wouldn't have any problems appearing in public as a female right now. Many crossdressers do it all the time without any documentation or letter.
As for the cost of medication, I don't have a clue. Blockers didn't exist in my time and I haven't been on hormones in 10 years. The medication they use now is entirely different that what I was on. That's one of the problems in getting stuck with an old timer answering your questions. i suspect the blockers are not real costly because this is an off label application for a blood pressure medication. The bigger cost will be therapy but it is possible that your school may be able to help you in that area. Many colleges are trans friendly including my ASU. Just what that means, I am not sure either because I haven't been on campus in years.
I checked on google. The cheapest is $700 getting them online and can get as expensive as $1,500 in certain places. I am not as afraid appearing female in public as I am getting my drivers licence and school records changed. I currently have a permit but it states I am male and so do all my records for the driving school. Afraid if I change my gender then I will have to start drivers ed over again.
As I said, for the most part, altering your ID isn't that important. It is possible that medical insurance through your parents or school may pay most if not all of the cost of the blockers. Don't get panicky yet because there are a number of options to explore first. Do consider ways you can bump up your income because it will get expensive at some point and the more savings you have the better.
I am wondering where the others are because there are people who know how to work the modern system better than me and at some point they should be jumping on this thread with help. The mods haven't even flashed you with the rules yet and normally they are pretty good at that.
I don't know if insurance will pay it or not. But thats not as big a problem to me. I have saved since I was 13 from my programming and have enough money to at least have one year of puberty blockers but that is if they are 700 dollars. Which that drains all my college funds. I hope to get a scholarship but I don't think I will.
One problem at a time. College is more important at this time so keep your money in the college fund. We will look at other ways to fund your gender care such as what the school offers and you parents health insurance. Before we do any of this, we need to go back to an old subject. Are you ready to come out yet? If you aren't, none of this is going to happen. Take your time as I want an honest answer. I don't know will work if you aren't sure yet.
I am ready to come out just am procrastinating doing it like i have done the past year and a half. So bad at doing something I need to do.
You are a programer and and know how to think logically. Make a plan/list and estimate how long you want to spend on each effort. the end game will be the day you tell your parents. If you don't want to do it, that's your option as well but if you put a plan in place, you need to stick with it.
That is actually a very good idea. Thank you. I never thought about it that way. As soon as I am done writing this I am going to go and start writing a plan.
Are there any good letter formats for coming out trans to my parents? Or is it better to just spend the time and write the complete letter myself. Just afraid if I write the entire letter that I will procrastinate and not actually write it. Something that I can avoid if I have a format where I can fill in the blanks with personal information.
I still am learning my way around the form but there are three places you should review in order to build you arguments and for helpful information. Feel free to alter any of the letters to meet your needs.
General information on transsexualism
https://www.susans.org/links/Help_&_How-to/ (https://www.susans.org/links/Help_&_How-to/)
Where you will find letters and other information
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page)
My humble attempt at a letter for hard core cases (use with care)
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,190312.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,190312.0.html)
Thank you for the links. I found that the most helpful one was the letter you wrote. I am going to copy and paste it into a Word document and make some very minor changes that will make my parents feel less scared when they read it. Thanks you again. I guess next time we will chat is when I am either crying my face out or I am so happy that I am smiling my face off (after i come out and depends on their reaction).
You don't need to use my letter to make me feel good. I wrote that letter because I needed something like that for another child I was dealing with and I didn't have what I needed at the time however if you can customize it to fit your needs, that is fine with me. The important thing was I wanted some bullet point is the letter that really defined the issue.
I hope in looking at the other links you were able to find additional information to build up argument when you talk afterwards.
We are willing to work with your parents if they will accept our help so keep that in mind.
Good luck and keep us posted.
I'd jump in , but I can't add anything. Your doing a great job.
Lol. Actually maybe one of you can answer a question. I have decided to write my own coming out letter and put Dena's behind it so that way when my parents read it they can instantly get any confusion taken away. WHen I write my letter should I end it with the name I would like to be called or the name they call me?
That is up to you but you might consider putting both names down for now. It would be a way of connecting the old with the new.
I am going to be in and out today so my response to your post may be slow.
Ok. Thant's alright. I have been working on a school project the whole of this week and spent most of yesterday on this forum. Thank you for the tip.
I think I am asking too many questions but should I hand the letters directly to my mom (she is going to help me tell my dad, sister, nanny, and grandfather) or should I put them by her sink?
You only get one shot at this so it's best to do it right the first time. Advice is freely dispensed.
The best way as you are using a letter would be to face your mom and say "I have something for you to read" and then stand or sit a few feet away from her but facing her until she has finished. It will be hard on your nerves but it will tell you mom you believe in this and you have the courage to face what will be hard times ahead. Body language is strange but it communicates almost as much as words.
I terrible body language. I will try my best with the tips and help you have given me. Thanks.
You don't need to be good at body language, in this case you need to avoid running off like a child and instead face your problem (your mother) like an adult. You only need to sit or stand and wait for your mother to finish. After that, she will lead the conversation and you take it from there. I don't know your mother so I don't have a clue what she will say but that's the best I can do.
Thank you for the help you have given me. I will let you know what happens.
Hi Turtlesrule. Everyone the reason I have been away for a while because my parents grounded me for a while and I had no access to electronics eccept my radio. :( My parents accept me now and have even agreed to help me start socially transitioning! So happy. Good luck Turtlesrule. Hope all goes well for you!
Quote from: Murplethepurple on July 24, 2015, 03:44:58 PM
Hi Turtlesrule. Everyone the reason I have been away for a while because my parents grounded me for a while and I had no access to electronics eccept my radio. :( My parents accept me now and have even agreed to help me start socially transitioning! So happy. Good luck Turtlesrule. Hope all goes well for you!
I hope they grounded you for something other that Transsexualism. That is something you really couldn't control.
In any case, welcome back and I hope we hear more from you.
Quote from: Murplethepurple on July 24, 2015, 03:44:58 PM
Hi Turtlesrule. Everyone the reason I have been away for a while because my parents grounded me for a while and I had no access to electronics eccept my radio. :( My parents accept me now and have even agreed to help me start socially transitioning! So happy. Good luck Turtlesrule. Hope all goes well for you!
glad things worked out , good luck
I told them I was on a forum and they thought that I had been convinced that I was transsexual. I think they figured if all she can do is listen to the radio she won't be influenced and she will change her mind. Obviosly it did not work. I just read books the whole time. And wrote a letter for my friend in case I was kicked out so I could explain why I was showing up at his house at the stupidest hour in the world. Ended up putting it in the fireplace and burning it. Why not. Won't need it. But I am very happy. My mom is taking me to get my ears pierced tomorrow and get some clothes. And Sunday I get to spend the whole afternoon at the mall!
Quote from: Murplethepurple on July 24, 2015, 04:34:45 PM
I told them I was on a forum and they thought that I had been convinced that I was transsexual. I think they figured if all she can do is listen to the radio she won't be influenced and she will change her mind. Obviosly it did not work. I just read books the whole time. And wrote a letter for my friend in case I was kicked out so I could explain why I was showing up at his house at the stupidest hour in the world. Ended up putting it in the fireplace and burning it. Why not. Won't need it. But I am very happy. My mom is taking me to get my ears pierced tomorrow and get some clothes. And Sunday I get to spend the whole afternoon at the mall!
WOW, that's not the treatment I received when I came out. I admit I was much older at the time but still. Your parents must have received an education from somebody and they have learned much about the subject. Do everything you can to help your parents when ever possible because they are putting out big effort to help you and the least you can do is return the favor. Some of the people on this board haven't had outcomes as good as yours so you have every reason to be happy.
By the way, sorry for hijacking your thread while you were gone ;)
Let us know if we can help you and don't forget that your parents are welcome here as well. We want your parents to know we are nice people and only want to help you be happy.
They know they are welcome here. They just don't have enough time to be part of a forum. Don't worry about hijacking my thread. It feels great to know that something that was very important to me is also so important to another person that they ask question on this thread. Next week I won't be on much and probably won't be on much over the weekend either. Feel free to hijack this thread whenever you want. I wish I could have given Turtlesrule some tips considering (no offense to you friends. All great people) I am a little closer to her age.
Quote from: Murplethepurple on July 24, 2015, 04:51:49 PM
They know they are welcome here. They just don't have enough time to be part of a forum. Don't worry about hijacking my thread. It feels great to know that something that was very important to me is also so important to another person that they ask question on this thread. Next week I won't be on much and probably won't be on much over the weekend either. Feel free to hijack this thread whenever you want. I wish I could have given Turtlesrule some tips considering (no offense to you friends. All great people) I am a little closer to her age.
Much closer to her age, that's for sure. You could add both of your ages together, double it and you would be near my age. Don't worry about helping Turtlesrule because there will be somebody else you can help. It's a little slow right now but I have seen as many as 6 people join the web site in one day. Yes, most were older than you but I am sure if you want to help, there will be plenty for you to do in the future.
Also don't make this website your life. Go out and be with other people because you are at an age where that is important. My transsexualism was so bad I had almost no friends at your age and even today I am uncomfortable when meeting new people and making them my friend. I have many things I can teach you but being around people is something you can be better at than me.
I go to a private school and most of the kids live in gated communities that are not near me and my friends that I usually hang out with during the day is away at camp right now. That's ok. I don't mind living as a hermit on my computer all day. I like it. I think I have become this way because of bullying. Also I hate the outdoors. I hope to see my friend sunday morning. Although I will probably wear one of my last pairs of boys clothes that morning cause I donating most of my clothes to my tennis instructors charity for kids in Zambia (its in Africa in case you were unsure. Near Zimbabwe). I do hope to be able to help people in the future, may they be older or younger than I.
It will take you a long time to learn the medical side of things but most of the time what people really need help with is getting out of the closet and transitioning in to the new role. Many people including me had to fight nerves and fear so this is where you will be the most helpful. Now I admit that most people don't keep a stash of female garments around to be discovered ;D but I am sure that you will find ways to help people get past this problem. I am sad to say that younger people often have a hard time getting help on this website because of the lack of younger people and the older people are not far enough along in their treatment to be secure dealing with the very young. I have to admit as mature as I am, I had a thread about two weeks ago that help drain my energy. I was lucky and needed to be away from the site for 8 days and in that time I was refreshed enough to come back and continue helping others.
Who knows, we might become a team where we cover each others weakness.
Also be careful about bulling. That shouldn't ever happen but if it does, it needs to be handled quickly I was bullied once (not for transsexualism) but the differences was I knew how to defend myself. If a bully gets away with something, it will only be worst the next time so do whatever is needed to ensure there will not be a second time.
I was quite a nerdy looking kid so instantly the kids though I was a nerd and did not give me a chance to even explain myself. I do admit my undergarment stashes are on the wierd side but thats alright cause I no longer have to hide them. I think the most difficult part for me will be learning how to put on makeup and getting used to wearing matching clothes.
Quote from: Dena on July 24, 2015, 04:47:03 PM
Your parents must have received an education from somebody and they have learned much about the subject.
One of my mom's close friends is gay and he knows a lot about this subject. Not to mention I just printed out every single webpage that had any helpfull info on it and highlighted all of that info. I went through like 12 highlighters. The only thing I am not getting is a new wallet which is ok because I can finally help people make their way through the coming out process. Albiet being forced into telling your parents because they found a stash of bras in the house. LOL :P
Being a team is not a bad idea at all. Actually it is a very good idea. Although we can probably talk about it in PM's if we do become a team.
"I want to eat drink and BE Mary"
Eat Drink And Be Mary
Thanks?
What you did was't all that weird but I do admit to the adult mind it is a bit funny. In my case I would use my mom's clothes when I could - at least until I way outgrew them. Keeping anything private was a problem for me because I shared a bedroom with my brother and was impossible to hide as much as a news paper clipping. I did get caught once when my brother returned home early and I was blackmailed for it, but when my mom was told about it, she just thought it was a phase I was going through. In those days, treatment was almost impossible and for somebody as young as I was, it didn't exist so I went back into the closet for about 7 more years.
We tend to use PM's as little as possible because you never know when somebody else reading a thread can add something you haven't though of. I do use PM's when I don't want to clutter up a thread with chit chat. And because I have been working pretty fast lately, I need to review my PM's and delete some of the stuff I have accumulated that is no longer needed.
Also around here we don't have formally teems, it's mostly a matter of people jumping in where ever they can help. Laura_7 has been a big help to me at time because I can't stay by computer 16 hours a day so she will cover the hours I am not around and I will cover the hours she is not around.
I think most kids my age would just use their mom's clothes. I did use being a nerd to get my own stash's but that is another story altogether. Alright. I will put that on my page of thing to remember on this site. No formal teams. I will have to get used to that. I shared (still do at night) but I just hid things in the wierdest places. (I once put some panties in the water control valve area in our yard. I still don't know where I got that idea from). I understand you completely. I like the computer but I have terrible migraine headaches I get once a day even with the strongest preventative the nuerologist can prescribe a fifteen year old. They ussually last at least 30 minutes and they really take away from my education. But once again I am going off topic.
It is your thread and topics do sometimes tend to wander a bit. Sorry about your headaches but if they started in puberty, there is a possibility that HRT may affect them. I can't tell you if it will be good or bad but sometimes HRT does do unexpected things.
For the most part the only thing formal around here is the Moderation. The rest of us have jobs or other commitments that prevent us from being here all the time. If you run the numbers on the donations, you will find this web site takes in less that $40,000 a years which is not enough to pay one person for their services. Pretty much everything you see here is donated or volunteer which shows you how much people want to help others around here.
I am very impressed about the professional quality of this web site considering it was put together on a shoe string budget.
I have always had them ever since I was 8 years old. What the neurologist said is that certain light patterns that occur naturally in the world cause a sort of epileptic siezure in my brain which then triggers the headaches. I dunno if that is true or not but he had a wall full of plaques and awards so im going to take his word over the internet. I never did run the numbers on the donations. That is quite amazing. I can believe that other people want to help that much. Now that I am free of the social bindings of being in a male body I want to help other people feel the same way. If I had an income then I would donate but as it is I have picked up the last penny from my last three bithdays and it is only like $500 which I am probably completely spend shopping this weekend. LOL. Saving, not my strong suit.
We are not asking you for donations, someone as young as you has very little money. The rest of us do have more money and hopefully will donate a little to help keep a good thing going.
Now I know the type of headache you have and yes, I do know about them. The best thing you can do is avoid anything flashing and when working with the computer, make sure the room is well lit. If possible stay away from fluorescent lighting and I am not real sure about LED lights but they may be safe. Incandescent lights are safe if you can find them as is sunlight. Also watch out for action movies because they switch around so fast in them that they could trigger a headache as well.
I don't have problems with headaches but if I spend a day under fluorescent lights, I get wired by the end of the day.
I know you are not asking for donations from me but I would still donate a little if I could. Thanks for the tips about the headaches. Apparently the internet is more trustworthy than what I give it credit for. (i don't even trust google) What do you mean wired and now I have no idea how we came to be talking about this.
Wired means jumpy. It's harder to concentrate and you feel like you want to go somewhere but you don't know where. it's kind of what you feel when you have fear without the fear.
As for the internet, you do need to check everything but you did find this site and it has been helpful.
Have your parents talked about therapy or how your are going to handle school yet. If you are not home schooled, there will be some issues for you to appear as a female.
Ok. I know what you are talking about being wired. Yes we have talked about school and we talked to the head of the school (it is very small and she knows all the kids by first name) and we have come to the conclusion that I will go to school this year dressed in the boys clothes. Which the only difference is that I wont be able to wear a skirt. I will change in the boys bathroom in a stall for sports and and P.E. The only reason I won't be going to school as a girl is because we have already registered me in school as male. The real big change is in the weeks leading up to school my family and I will be talking with the school board and administrators about bullying rules to add to the handbook. I will also have my gender hidden in the online directory and I will be able to tell students and facilty that I am female. Which is not that difficult since girls are aloud to wear shorts and pants to school. Basicly I get to be myself except I have to use the boys bathroom until next school year. :embarrassed: The school is going to have a therapist with experience dealing with trans teens come in once a week and I will talk to them. I will get escused from class and I give up one of my study halls to go to the class i miss.
Sound like a bunch of stuff has happened in the time you have been without a computer. It also sounds like you will be well taken care of.
Tell your parents thank you from me for being so understanding. I don't always see things turn out so well.
It helps when the people who run the school are very understanding as well. Also I had not much else to do so I just started writing emails I wanted my parents to send. I guess I should mention that they even agreed to let me wear a wig until my hair naturally grows out if I want to. I don't think I will. My hair is already to long for a boy anyways. I will let them know tonight at dinner. I was surprised myself how well it turned out. I think my hardest time will be explaining to everyone that I am now a girl. And using the correct pronouns. But I am quite understanding about the position I have put them in.
Don't be hard on people if they make mistakes. My mom used my male name for years after I moved into the female role and it was most embarrassing when we were in the tall woman's shop purchasing clothes for me, I was presenting as female and mom use my male name. I am glad I was facing away from the sales lady because my face must have flashed a bright red and I don't blush.
It may be a good idea to let your hair grow out naturally so people get used to the change in your appearance. As for wigs, I couldn't wait for the day that I had enough hair that I didn't need to wear it anymore. It was uncomfortable and the style was something I needed somebody else to set. I only used it when I was part time. By the time I lost my job and was ready to go full time, I had enough hair for a female cut.
As for the hardest time, that was when you told your parents. Dealing with others will not be easy at first but it will become easer as time goes on. With my voice surgery I am working on a stealth image, not because I don't want to talk about myself but because I want to be accepted as a woman. If it's important, we can talk about my medical history latter. I can be just as open about myself in public as I am here.
I hope people wont question it. The female name I chose can allow people to use the nickname I always went by as a male. I know how uncomfortable wigs are. I have a couple for when I kept my hair short and there was a nice occasion it was too difficult for me to make it look good. I don't think I will have voice surgery. Medical bills are going to be hard enough next summer I am going to get multiple jobs to help ease the load on my parents as much as possible. And also so I can go on massively expensive shooping spree's at the mall. What is the easiest and cheapest way to get a female voice?
For somebody so young you are really asking complex questions.
First, voice surgery should be a last resort. My male voice was about one of the lowest male voices possible. When my male voice dropped, it also took the upper end with it making the highest comfortable voice I could use below the female range.
The best place to start out is with speech therapy. There are 4 voices a person has and of that the lower 3 can be used as a voice. The top one is uncontrollable and can be used in some types of singing but not for voices.
Males tend to speak in the chest voice where as women speak in the mouth/head voice. It is simple to do as all you need to do is tighten up the muscles above the Larynx when you speak. For some people, this is enough to put them in the female range. One word of warning. If it hurts, stop doing it. A hurting voice indicates you are causing damage to the voice and if it can be corrected, it will be costly. The next voice up is the Falsetto and we will leave that alone for now because you need to use the mouth voice well before moving into the Falsetto.
The mouth voice is the key to all female voices. Women use it naturally. For a male to do a female voice, they must do it and most important, when I get my voice back after surgery, I will normally use the mouth voice to control the surgical voice. I am unsure if I will use the Falsetto voice because I don't know if I will need that much upper range. If I do, I suspect it will be for an excited voice or baby talk voice.
There is software for a PC or smart phone that can help figuring out where you are as well as using voice recording web sites so other can share in your progress. It also is possible that your parents can lend an ear as well.
Hopefully your voice is still high enough that speech therapy will do the job. By the way, after you use the mouth voice for a while it becomes locked in and it's hard to return to the male voice.
Thank you. I sing in the school choir as a baritone. I did change my elective this year so that way I could work on my female voice. I never thought about it that way. I guess I do. I am a very curios person who wants to know everything there is to know about the universe. While living as my true self. I will look into voice therapy as an afterschool type of thing. I used to take piano lessons. Maybe my old teacher knows somebody. I will probably just ask my girlfriends at school help me figure out exactly where my female voice is. The only good news about being in the choir is I can falsetto almost as high as a soprano comfortably (going into soprano is uncomfortable for me). I am on the higher end of the alto. Might make my prospect of using a female voice easier? :P
If you are comfortable in the Alto range, you are pretty well there. If you have a smart phone, we may be able to set that up as a speech lab. It would be better if we can keep you out of the Falsetto. I would be careful about relying on the girls because they may want to put your voice higher than it should be.
If all you have is a PC to work with, I can do some looking around for software but I have found it's better to have it with you at all times when you are working on a new voice. The singing lessons will come in handy because all we need to do is find the range that work for you. It appears your voice hasn't dropped much yet. A good reason to get you on blockers as soon as possible.
Let me know which smart phone you have if you have one.
All I have is a Mac but I have it with me 24/7 except when I go to bed because I do not remove it from my desk which is not in my room because my room desk is for things that have made me who I am today. I will take that tip and make sure that a speech therapist or at least my choir teacher thinks it is a good range. My voice has dropped a lot. I have just sang in a choir for most of my life so I have a very flexible voice. I used to not be able to sing lower than an alto when i was 13. I hope to get on blockers but I have to wait until the begining of the school year before I can start talking to a therapist. :'( I have an I-Pod nano 7th generation maybe there is an audio track that can help?
Going to have to be the MAC. Don't worry because I am all MAC hardware in this end with laptops and a Mac Pro for the main power house. I think I have the software found but I need to look at it more as it's far more complicated than what I wanted to give you and I have't had dinner yet so I want to do that as well. I don't know what timezone you are in but I am in Arizona which currently is in California making it about 9Pm. I will check back latter.
This isn't what I really want but it will get the job done. We are interested in the frequency and for now we want it to at or below 220 Hz. You will probably have the package figured out before I get on the web tomorrow.
As I said, do not force your voice and if you have pain, stop and don't try it again until you know how to do it without paint.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,150142.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,150142.0.html)
Thank you for the help. I will spend some time tonight looking at it. Don't have much time because of golf and then getting my ears pierced. ;D It will be a little difficult but I think about an hour of work with it should be good.
Quote from: Murplethepurple on July 25, 2015, 09:59:22 AM
Thank you for the help. I will spend some time tonight looking at it. Don't have much time because of golf and then getting my ears pierced. ;D It will be a little difficult but I think about an hour of work with it should be good.
If you want to talk about the universe or physics your more than welcome to interrupt my chanting into the void to discuss matters of importance.
Ok. Thank You.
I think I figured out how to use Praat but I'm not sure. Ah, whatever. It at least allows me to listen to myself and I sound so unlike a girl. I really need to at least go talk to my choir teacher cause I can't go for more than a couple of hours without getting a really dry throat. Maybe I just have to get used to talking like a female. I should probably start out until my throat starts getting dry and then stoping and letting my voice rest. But what I am trying to say is this program works! Thanks so much Dena!
Nothing wrong with having water handy when you are talking. When i worked product support on the phone I always had water or tea available to sip on. When you first start talking in the female range, you will be using muscles you have never used much before. It will take time to build up the strength in them but the more you can use the new voice the faster it will happen.
I need feed back!! I want to know the frequency you are reaching in your voice and the what your old voice frequency is like as well.
I knew the program would work as it is one of many out there. I use a iPhone when altering my voice but for years I didn't use anything. In any case, let me know what is happening and you are welcome.
Yes. I forgot about letting you know what frequency I am hitting. In my normal male voice I was hitting 95 Hz and in my "female" voice I consistently was 240 Hz. :( I hit 209 Hz a couple of times but was unable to hold it consistently. :( Just takes practice.
Quote from: Murplethepurple on July 25, 2015, 11:00:32 PM
Yes. I forgot about letting you know what frequency I am hitting. In my normal male voice I was hitting 95 Hz and in my "female" voice I consistently was 240 Hz. :( I hit 209 Hz a couple of times but was unable to hold it consistently. :( Just takes practice.
I hope you still have flexibly left in the voice. You are around the same as my old voice. As I said, if this hurts, don't do it. Try working the 190 to 220 Hz range. It is a little low for someone your age but pushing it all the way may be more than that voice can handle right now.
It doesn't hurt. My throat just starts to get dry and then my voice cracks at like 300 to 310 Hz and then it drops back in my deep bass voice when I sing. I'm just going to keep practicing and hopefully I will be able to control it.
Middle C 261 hz is the "average" female voice so you don't need to go any higher than that.
This chart will show you where Transexual voice are normally placed.
http://www.nyspeechandvoicelab.net/transgender/voice-feminization/ (http://www.nyspeechandvoicelab.net/transgender/voice-feminization/)
Ok. Thanks. I will aim to hit around 246 Hz until I can control it like I was born with it.
Thank you Murplethepurple. Sorry I have been away so long everyone. My family was very accepting right away and even said that they were thinking I was transgender for a while. When I told my best friend however him and his family shunned me and made me so angry I did a couple of illegal things and would up in juvi for a couple of days (also lost my driver license for 180 days). My parents took away all my rights to my computer and phone because of my actions and I have not been able to check. I have had access for a couple days now but I had a lot of emails and other such stuff to go through before I could check the forums. I am sorry if I have worried you but I am in good health and all is well. Still waiting to start living full time. Due to the recent happenings I haven't had time to buy new clothes and donate my old ones to a non-profit organization for under-privilaged kids in Zambia. I am hoping in the next month or so I can start living full time and that my other friends don't just despise me after it. I guess only time will tell.
Turtle, you didn't worry me, you scared the (bleep) out of me. Around two months ago, shortly after I came to this board I helped another girl tell her parents and she was from a deeply religious family. She still hasn't reported in and it still bothers me. It was because of her that I wrote the coming out letter.
Congratulations on the family being so accepting but you are going to learn who your real friend are now. The people who stick by you will be the people you should value because in some ways this will be hard on them. The people who reject you were never your friends in the first place and you shouldn't get mad like you did. I don't need to know the details of what you did but I have a pretty good idea how bad it was. Your family is accepting and from now on, you need to be as well behaved as possible because your family will need to help you a lot in order for the transition to work. There will be doctors visits to set up, paper work to fill out and many small detail to tend to in order to get you the care you need. You can best repay your parents by not repeating the last month.
Let me know if I can help you and by the way, Murple was also concerned about you as well and has been checking often for your return.
Sorry for scaring you. I have anger managment problems but they have been getting better over the years. It used to be I might have beat the kid up and smashed some furniture in their house. I know that some people would reject me but I never expected it to be my best friend and I think that is what angered me the most. I try not to get in trouble but I won't lie I have a bad track record for fighting and other such activity. I hope by living as the female I truly am that I will be able to better behave myself but I am terrified of the future when I am no longer under my parents jurisdiction and I am adult. With these short bursts of anger I fear that I will go to jail and eventually prison which I have to avoid at all costs. I have already had negative outcomes from my previous actions such as not being allowed to go to a private school I went to for a long time. Thank you and I will probably spend more time on here trying to calm myself and not go into a massive rage when I get angry. I have been to couseling and everything for my anger. Nothing that anybody else does for me helps it.) I think part of it is I lived for the majority of my childhood until I was 13 in a very very bad neihborhood and I am very easily influenced so all the bad things people were doing rubbed off on me and I now have to get rid of those tendicies which is difficult. Thanks for being so concerned about me Murplethepurple.
In a way you are much like my roommate was. As a child, she was the school bully as an adult, she had a really bad temper. What finally helped her control it was she blew up at me several times hurting me emotionally and she came to understand that if she continued to do that, she would lose me as a friend. It wasn't something she stopped overnight but as time went on, the blowups became fewer.
You need to understand that the transition is going to test your self control greatly. You will feel fear and anger more than once. I can't tell you in advanced when it will happen because it's different for each one of us but if you aren't carful, you will end up in jail and your transition will be stopped. They might even put you in the male section and force you to wear male clothes. Losing you temper once more might cost you greatly so be very careful in the future.
I hate the prospect of jail horribly. I used to look forward to going to juvi when I lived in the bad neighborhood because it got me away from the drugs and violence and alchohol and that meant I would not be tempted do them. After leaving the neighborhood I still had that mindset and I just barely got over wanting to be in a concrete building with steel doors. I love to have a set schedule ad make sure people make me follow it and juvi also gave me that. I now realize that I can't keep up my behaivor and for the past year or so I have been relativly free of anything bad until last month. I am on the path to being clean of my life of petty crime but I fear it is one of those things if I go I won't want to leave. I know it sounds terrible but as a child I have been institutionalized and I have to get over the feeling of wanting to be in juvi. I have lost so much of my childhood because of my actions I am now trying harder than ever to fix my ways before I have to go to college so I can live as a somewhat normal teenager. Thank you for all the support and help you have given me and maybe I can pass on everything I have learned from you to another person to help them make a smoother transition.
Passing it on is one way to repay it but I also want you to stay out of trouble. If you need an ear to vent to, feel free to PM me. I might not respond right a way but I am pretty good at not letting PMs accumulate.
Turtlesrule, I am one hundred percent with Dena. Stay out of trouble. Also feel free to PM me. I know you are around my age and (no offense Dena, your a great person) you might be more comfortable talking to me. But from what I have seen you are comfortable around everyone so that's great. Good luck in your transtion and hope all goes well for you!
Thank you Dena and Murplethepurple for your offer of PM. I may very well take you up on that offer. Thank you Murplethepurple for your help and support. Thabk you for your support as well Dena, you gave me a lot of the resources to come out and become who I want to be. I will do my best to stay out of trouble and I will make that my top priority right now.
Your welcome Turtlesrule. I do have a question anyone that could answer. How do I deal with people when I am at the beach? I always feel like people are staring at me and I don't feel comfortable with myself. Any tips for the beach?
It goes back to the larger problem of being comfortable in public. You need to have the attitude that you have just as much right to be there as the next person so there is no reason to be uncomfortable. If they are staring at you, most likely it is caused by the fact you are nervous and it shows to other people. People most of the time don't initially pay attention to your dress. Instead they first connect with your display of nerves and then try to figure out why you are nervous. What you should try is reducing the level of nerves you have by staying off to the side where you are only partially visible. As you relax and become comfortable with yourself move more into the public.
The only way to deal with nerves is head on. Face your fears and when you discover you have nothing to fear, you will be comfortable in public.
Thank you. I will get some chairs as far to the side as I can.