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I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up. My therapist has continually said we need to wait until after our baby is born in November before moving forward but every day my mind seems to find new and more creative ways to trigger my dysphoria. I keep losing weight and that helps somewhat but I am feeling stifled in this relationship, as my wife does not approve of any femininity at all. I need out, but who leaves their spouse 9 months pregnant? Only narcissists and that isn't me. I need to be there for her but at the same time I'm heading further and further into a dark place mentally. My old friend distraction hasn't helped, nor do I want to be distracted. I know who I am and desperately want to become her.

Sigh.

I am missing something here. Your wife isn't accepting you, she is pregnant, and she not only knows about you but she has seen Katelyn. Why does the therapist indicated Katelyn needs to wait until after the birth if Katelyn is already out? It can't be the shock because there is nothing more to shock your wife with. The longer you wait, the more uncomfortable you are becoming. If it would be because you wife would disapprove, I have news for your therapist and that is your wife will never approve. If you wait till after the baby is born, the line will become "well you can't do it now because the new born needs you the way you are". After that it will be little XXXX needs a father. There will never be a good time for Katelyn to come out.

The only option I am seeing for you if this continues is happy pills and that isn't a good solution for anything.

She hasn't seen Katelyn but my line of thinking lines up well with everything you just said. What's the point of waiting?

1. Who the heck is your therapist to be telling you what to do when? It's your life.

2. You can move forward without leaving your wife. If she leaves you, that's her choice and not yours. You wouldn't be someone who left her wife 9 months pregnant. You would be someone who decided to fully be yourself so you no longer had the burden of pretending your someone you're not. That way you could be fully there for the people who depend on you.

No?

In fairness to my therapist, she's been approaching it from the perspective of keeping my marriage together, so she's been trying to help me put myself in the best position for that to happen. I know in my heart of hearts that there isn't a single thing having to do with transitioning that my wife would be able to accept. I've tried telling my therapist this but maybe I need to be more forceful about it.

And Suzi, for #2 I agree, but then I think, what's a few more months? Then I think, get all this body hair off of me and give me estrogen now please. Then I think, "I can't wait for therapy this week."

Quote from: KatelynBG on September 12, 2015, 11:14:15 AM
And Suzi, for #2 I agree, but then I think, what's a few more months? Then I think, get all this body hair off of me and give me estrogen now please. Then I think, "I can't wait for therapy this week."

Funny though in my head. I never missed a therapy meeting, I learned much from therapy and I improved as the result of it but I don't ever remember not being able to wait for the next meeting. It might have to do with the fact I lived by myself and didn't have to answer to anybody else. Things happened at the pace I set but therapy and my life ran on different tracks without one depending on the other.

So, reality and options....

Seems like you want the CYA letter for E, yes? Is the therapist blackmailing you into waiting till after the birth or telling your wife?

If it is blackmail there are two options. Lie, or be assertive. Or, tell the truth after telling your wife?

Realistically, at 7 months preggers life is very soon going to get very interesting. After the birth, even more so. I cannot see waiting till after as being better! As one boss told me when I got "volunteered" for some world class nonsense training in the middle of getting a multi-million dollar job out the door, "There is never a good time" And IMHO it is only going to get less good for the next 16-18 years.

So, if you tell her now, what happens? Will she walk out? Doubtful.  Flip out? Likely. See a lawyer the following day? You know better. Tell you to leave? Well, that's your call which puts you legally in a very bad position.  If you suspect a worse case scenario, talk to a lawyer before your wife is told and talks to hers.

You make good points. I'm in therapy for more than a cya letter and the thought has crossed my mind that she might be gatekeepers me until the wife issue is resolved. Again though I think she is approaching it from the standpoint that she wants to save the marriage. She has been really good with me though in working out several assertiveness issues I have had.

The 2nd part of your post caught my attention, if she tells me to leave, how does that put me "legally in a very bad position"? That part is confusing to me.

Quote from: KatelynBG on September 12, 2015, 08:57:08 PM
The 2nd part of your post caught my attention, if she tells me to leave, how does that put me "legally in a very bad position"? That part is confusing to me.

For example, unless it is only her name on the lease/deed, you are legally entitled to reside there. My lawyer STRONGLY counseled me against leaving the house we owned together until she had actually bought out my half of the equity. If you are renting, once you leave, you are legally on the hook for all the rent even though you're not living there. If you own, by leaving you make it 1000% harder to recover your equity. The situation is such that wives often make spurious abuse claims against their husbands (or vice versa) just to have them removed.

This is just one of very many legal missteps you could make without decent legal advice. When a marriage crumbles, it is war. There is no way around it. If you believe, as I'm hearing, that the disintegration of your marriage is inevitable, the sooner you protect yourself, the better. I'm not saying to leave her. I'm just saying, make sure you've consulted a lawyer to keep you from costly mistakes.

I remain troubled that your therapist and you are not on the same wavelength. One of the psychiatrists I saw was clearly more interested in my family's welfare than in mine. Is it possible that's what's happening with yours?

Hi -

This isn't your usual 'unusual' situation, and there are mitigating circumstances for all of you in the relationship, including the unborn.  I'm not sure there is any advice that helps with that.  For what it's worth (and remember its free):

• Now is not a great time to bring highly stressful life events into the pregnancy and term is near, adding more risk.  That is what's so.
• Your mental state is challenged and that's understandable.  Is the challenge coming from being asked to consider waiting post-partum and that seems unfair?  Is this a therapeutic crisis for you?  Does the wonder of bringing a new life into the world figure into this and how?  Are you prepared to deal with these past few weeks of the pregnancy, bearing the burden of your coming out "come what may" . . . this will be your decision in the face of your partner's position and the impact if any on the unborn child?
• Is there a path for you to lay down a marker that is unequivocal that gives you a transition day to begin dressing following the birth regardless of the subsequent circumstances irrespective of the birth and/or your partner's desires?  Are you willing to consider such an agreement, either jointly reached or by defacto as you make it independently if no agreement is reached that you can accept?.

None of these questions are particularly welcome at this time (I get that), but short of dealing with stuff like this you'll both suffer and a have another wise more difficult few weeks to term, and difficult may be a gentle word to describe matters going forward - only you and your partner know jointly and as individuals (and who is speaking for the unborn as they have a lot at stake too?)

This isn't provided as advice but an alternative narrative for you to perhaps experience and suss things out a bit more.  It's your transition, unborn, partner and relationship; only you can navigate it to meet your needs and those of others as you may wish.

Sent with empathy and love,

Rachel

Thank you everyone. I have to think about this.

A whole day of thinking has landed me here:

1) the health of my unborn baby is most important, my needs are secondary to her. Adding a major life stresser to my wife who has an anxiety disorder and can't access Meds while pregnant puts the child in danger.

2) my wife has physically had a very difficult pregnancy, I need to take care of her until she can get back to normal. We will all be having clearer heads when our new baby is born.

3) I realize delaying sets it up to be emotionally more difficult to come out later, but I love my kids and won't risk their health. I've dealt with this dysphoria my whole life so a few more months should be manageable.

4) In the meantime, I will continue to lose weight. I have tacit approval to dress in private and will do so whenever I have the chance. Hopefully this will help me bridge the gap until HRT and hair removal can begin.

I actually took the time to write an email to Jenny Boylan, thanking her for writing "She's Not There" and she actually wrote back. She encouraged me to take it slow and let therapy do its work, so that's what I am going to do.

This won't be easy for you . . . please keep us in your thoughts and communication.  You have taken on a difficult situation for awhile and I deeply admire you for that.

Take good care and know that we here for you,

Rachel

Hello I can't say much but I do have something to share 1 your therapist is paid by you to help solve your problems so if you feel its time to start being the real you go for it its not her place to keep your marriage together that's not what your seeing her for is it ? If not make her focus on the reason your really there if she won't go get a understanding therapist who is willing to help you with you transition. 2 I get you love your family but you being unhappy with eventually show in your parenting so work on what's making you feel that way. I also feel that it is unhealthy for you and your wife to continue with things as they are as you said your wife probly won't like the fact you want to change and thats something you can't avoid I think coming out now would be better so that she don't feel you lied to her let her know how you really feel and what you want from your relationship and by the time the baby is born things will hopefully be worked out. I hope things work out for you

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One thing I also decided to do was start reaching out to other people. Not coming out yet but just trying to reinsert myself into other people's lives. I've been pretty isolated from my parents and my brother since I've been married, so I reached out to both just to say that I loved them and may need their support in the future. I also reached out to an old college friend I haven't seen in ages and we're going to take a trip back to campus in early October together. I've had a lot of trouble making friends since the move to Maine and I've been trying to get things going with some people friendship wise. One thing my therapist said early on is that I will need a large support system at some point and frankly I don't have one right now.

Here's some food for thought: When you start your transition you aren't necessarily going to have a DD cup and an instant 10 inches of hair growth on your head. The first years are basically going to be stealth getting electrolysis and laser hair removal while on hormones. If it helps you feel like you're moving forward you can start getting your hair removal done and that shouldn't seem out of the ordinary to anyone and you'll know that you're moving forward with your real life, even if it's only that.

The hormones might not be noticed immediately, but after several months it might start to become more obvious. So, you might talk to your therapist about the right time to start that... but if you really feel like you're about to burst and need to do something now then start on the hair removal. It takes a long time to do it all, so you won't be hurting anything by starting it now. You could even have your neck done but leave your face, and have your pubic region done, and start on your chest/back and I doubt even your wife would really notice anything is out of the ordinary. If you shave your face regularly then you could do your face too, but if you're rocking some 5 o'clock shadow or a goatee or something then it really depends on how stealth you want to be during this period of time.

What I'm really trying to say is... You don't need to be on hormones and getting breast implants and facial feminization surgery and a voice change surgery all right now to actually get started and be doing something. Getting a bit of hair removed isn't going to destroy your marriage, and you need to get it done, and it should make you feel better to boot. So, that's my advice!  ;)

I agree with Venus.  Starting with hair removal is a great place to start. If you can do laser to start all the better. 

I sympathize with your situation.  My wife isn't pregnant, but she's perpetually ill.  Small things, but always scared the big one is around the corner.  It's suffocating, but I don't want to be seen as the husband who leaves his sick wife.  Good luck and Hugs!

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I didn't read most of this, but I wanted to comment on what I read near the beginning of the thread.

I came out to my wife when she was about 4 months pregnant.  She immediately got on a low-ish dose of Zoloft and it helped tremendously.  She was coming unraveled pretty quickly in those first couple weeks and it did wonders.

During the next 5 month I explored my femininity with a vivacious abandon.  Clothing, makeup, shaving, making new friends, therapy, hormones, laser hair removal, the whole 9 yards except for voice training and planning for surgery!  I'm not out at work, but I am to many of my friends and family now.

Here's the kicker.  Our daughter was just born on 9/10/15, so she's only 6 days old now!  :D  During the last week, I all but switched back to boy mode.  No earrings, no makeup, no nice clothes.  Just a shower, hair styling, jeans, t-shirt and sneakers.  I fell into the role of a parent.  I wore what was comfortable, didn't go to work (I'm back today), and I did what needed to be done.  I wasn't expecting that to happen after so many months of obsessing about being trans, but I did.  Becoming a parent flips some switch in your brain that makes you Take Care of Business!  Suddenly your child is the most important thing in your life.  I kept taking my meds, but today is the first day I've worn my women's dress pants and panties since the birth.  :P

Basically what I'm saying is that some of the fears should be alleviated.  Just because you want to change your physical appearance, social standing, clothes, gender markers, or whatever, doesn't mean you're not the same person.  If you want to be, you will still be a good parent, regardless of what medications you're taking or what's in your wardrobe.  Tell your therapist that there's no time like the present to be yourself.  Stop suppressing it and you'll be happier, and you'll be an even BETTER parent for it.

Quote from: KatelynBG on September 13, 2015, 09:45:39 PM
We will all be having clearer heads when our new baby is born.

I'm sorry, but this made me chuckle.  My head has never been so foggy as it has been this past week, lol.  A newborn does not clear your head, hehe.

Thank you everyone. I truly appreciate it. It's comforting knowing that so many people are rooting for my happiness. Also, KristinaM congrats on the new baby! Omg so exciting. I know heads won't really be clear but at least my wife will be back on her Meds at that point. It's important for her.

I've been dealing with my own issues outside of my transness and I reached out to family for support. My marriage is crumbling and that's before any of the transness gets thrown in. I'm realizing I've been emotionally abused for years by my wife in subtle ways and all these people I've talked to about were like, "Yeah we knew already." It's been a really hard week.

I'm essentially estranged from my brother already and I reached out to him to say I'm in trouble and need his support but I wasn't ready to talk about my issues (meaning marriage problems) and he searched my twitter follows and comments for clues. Well I follow a few trans people on Twitter like Jenny Boylan and Avery Edison (comedian) and he started jumping to conclusions. That was kind of scary but I straightened him out for now but it has me stressing about that coming out in the future.

Katelyn, I'm sorry to hear about your marriage falling apart.  I know that feeling.  The abuse part sounds a lot like my marriage. 

It's good you're reaching out to people.  Do you think your brother would understand if you told him?  Maybe start telling him about the marriage issues first? 

I know it's hard to be there for someone you feel responsible for, but you feel doesn't respect your feelings.  Good luck and keep us up to date.  Hugs!

Charlotte

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Not a good day today. I tried to bring up other concerns with my wife today and she was completely dismissive and minimizing. I've been talking about going back to grad school and she's just completely opposed to it. I showed her how I could do it and still afford it and she said it wouldn't work. I told her I'm feeling lost and hopeless and she blamed me for bringing up a lot of crap in the last year (that comment referenced my gender issues, it's her code phrase). I'm in a very bad place at the moment with the darkest of thoughts. I don't know what to do anymore. What's the point of it all? I hate this feeling, it has to stop. This is not me.

Quote from: KatelynBG on September 17, 2015, 12:00:13 PM
Not a good day today. I tried to bring up other concerns with my wife today and she was completely dismissive and minimizing. I've been talking about going back to grad school and she's just completely opposed to it. I showed her how I could do it and still afford it and she said it wouldn't work. I told her I'm feeling lost and hopeless and she blamed me for bringing up a lot of crap in the last year (that comment referenced my gender issues, it's her code phrase). I'm in a very bad place at the moment with the darkest of thoughts. I don't know what to do anymore. What's the point of it all? I hate this feeling, it has to stop. This is not me.

Hugs, Katelyn. Sounds like a tough place to be. A question to ask yourself: How bad would it have to be before you conclude that submitting your life plans to your wife for approval would no longer be best for everyone involved?

Ouch. But the statement is true. The time is close, but I'm holding out stubbornly. The reality is I'd be done already if it weren't for the pregnancy and the fact that if I wasn't handling everything with my 5 yr old daughter, a stranger would be. I get it, I really do. But doing what you all suggest is just so scary, and I doubt my own ability to run my own life because someone else has been running my life for as long as I've been alive. This is what has led to my dark place.

What's the point of it all?
Why do I bother?
I do all this work and it just seems things are getting worse.
I wish I was never born. I was a mistake to start with and still am.

I know all them, and then some, all too well. A lot more then I'd like to be these past few weeks. What keeps me going. What gives me hope. What sustains me, is seeing Joanne in the mirror. I know things are really really bad when I see "the sad old man".

It is all too easy to blame ourselves for the ills in our relationships. It is extremely difficult for us to see through the fog of shame and guilt to perhaps see that our partner is the one being irrational or unreasonable or .....

I wish I had answers. Or really, the answer you want to hear. Marriage is a partnership. Marriage is sharing eachothers lives. Marriage involves compromising without giving your soul away.

Fantastic session with my therapist today. I wish it didn't have to end. We talked through a lot. She explained why she thought I needed to wait until after our child's birth to tell my wife I plan to transition. I like her reasoning and without getting into it, it's to protect me in a roundabout way. We talked about my plans for the conversation and what I needed to get I to place first.

1) A credit card only in my name. Easy enough, I have excellent credit and work at a bank.
2) Have a conversation with a family lawyer with experience or understanding of trans impacts on divorces.

She suggested I seek advice here for other things to consider.

I am glad you received an explanation and a starting point. One though comes to mind is make sure none of this paper work is where your wife might discover it. One though would be a credit card bill received through the mail. Stuff might disappear after she talks to her lawyer.

I thought about that too. A PO Box would solve that probably.

Hi, sorry to read about your marriage and delayed transition issues.

If you move out eventually then you will need the ability to secure a place to live. keep in mind the cost of child support when you look for a place to live.

As far as transition you can do laser and then electrolysis as well as schedule the HRT appointment and get the blood test to start HRT when you feel it is the best time.

I was very young when I first saw Bridge on the River Kwai. That was the first and very few times I heard "Plan for the worse and hope for the Best" outside of my wife. It really hit me back then. As a kid, you usually do the opposite, only plan for the best and hope nothing bad happens.

Perhaps that is why I am the way I am today. But expecting the worse has given me a good career. Eventually other aspects of my work ethic made their way into my personal life, especially the one about always having a Plan B if not a C or a D.

To put it another way, be flexible while always keeping the end goal in mind. As they say in sailing circles, it is not about the destination, it is about the voyage

Had a lot of job pressure today and kind of unloaded my stress to my wife. We both agree the marriage is not good, especially the last 2 months. She cried, I cried. Then she goes, "What will make you happy right now?" I said "I don't know." She kept repeating it over and over again. I know what she wanted me to say, I know what I wanted to say and I didn't say it.

You have to respond "you already know" or "I have kept no secrets from you" if you can't say it to her face.

Quote from: Dena on September 25, 2015, 12:08:19 AM
You have to respond "you already know" or "I have kept no secrets from you" if you can't say it to her face.

But do you REALLY know what will make you happy? What will you gain in the long run vs what you know absolutely for sure you'll loose?

I know I cannot answer that question with absolute certainty. Do I? Don't I? How much? How Far? My wife?, My career? My financial stability? Vs exactly what? The opportunity to perhaps maybe feel more genuine? But if I loose so much that means so much to me, how can I feel more genuine loosing so much that is a part of me?

I do a lot of crying also  :(

Geez Joanne, get out of my brain already. You nailed it for me. Though I have reached the conclusion that I cannot live much longer without transitioning.

Is it possible that the most loving thing you could do now is to be honest, open and transparent while making sure to take care of yourself too?  For sure, this is not a suggestion in anyway  to permit any kind of abuse.

Rachel

It's never going to be easy, - I transitioned when both my children were only small and I only did so because I couldn't bear living a lie anymore.  Believe me I tried very hard to keep it all going, but it essentially came down to be me or be dead and I knew in my heart I wasn't going to choose death not when I was a parent to two small children.
My wife had a severe mental illness which was barely controlled at the time because she wouldn't take her meds so it was never going to be a good time to come out.  Caring for my children when my wife was ill (raving mad - forgive me for saying so, but it was the truth), was simply wonderful and I think that was one of the things that helped to bring my true self to the surface.  This was over twenty four years ago now and at the time nobody in my country really knew anything about gender dysphoria so it all got to a crisis stage and turned into a great unholy mess as you would expect.
In light of my experience my advice is as others have said is to plan for the worst and hope for the best.  Facial hair was a major source of dysphoria for me and if it is for you too then you can begin right now to do something about that.  Low dose HRT is likely to help as well as it will overcome some of the effects of T so you will feel more yourself.  Take legal advice and plan what you want to happen to any property you have in common with your wife.  In my case I made up my mind that I wasn't going to take out my share of the house and property because I wasn't going to make my children homeless, but I warn you that option is only for those who want to play the transition game on the difficult setting because while my now adult children love me very much and have always been my best friends the first two years of my transition were a living hell.  At the time my lawyer said I was nuts by the way, but all these years later I know I did the right thing.  Later on my 'share' paid for my children's education which was absolutely fine by me when my 'ex' made the suggestion.

Most importantly remember that when you do come out everybody is going to have an opinion on it.  I was constantly told, 'How could you do this when you've got kids,' by angry folk who looked like they wanted to hit me.  I lost friends, my two brothers still won't have anything to do with me and I shed bucket loads of tears, BUT despite all that I still remain 100% certain that I did the right thing.  At the end of the day the only person you can be is yourself.

Quote from: KatelynBG on September 25, 2015, 02:28:24 PM
Geez Joanne, get out of my brain already. You nailed it for me. Though I have reached the conclusion that I cannot live much longer without transitioning.

I have my paperwork filled out but have not yet posted my application to the "Transition or Die" club. Pretty much everyone of my support group members were also members. I think I am the only holdout today. I am still able to otherwise manage my dysphoria.... most days.

It seems to me, that if you aren't, you are soon to be a dues paying member. Your wife may become more supportive when you totally, brutally honestly, lay things out to her as to how it is. As much as my wife would rather not deal with "bumps on my chest", it still beats finding me swinging on the end of a rope from a rafter. And just perhaps as you try doing things for yourself, for Katelyn, you will find joy.

Having a dark day today. Frustration, and a feeling of being stuck are battling hopelessness to launch me into depression today. Not sure how to break free today...

-Katelyn

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 07, 2015, 08:38:27 AM
Having a dark day today. Frustration, and a feeling of being stuck are battling hopelessness to launch me into depression today. Not sure how to break free today...

-Katelyn

Sometimes it helps me to focus on the joy I bring other people.

Hugs, Katelyn. Don't give into depression. It's an illusion, fooling you into thinking the world is hopeless. I hope you find a way to look past the facade.

Katelyn, sometimes you do have to part ways as much as it may hurt.  Staying for the sake of saving a marriage will only wind up in resentment and eventually hatred.  You have to set a path for yourself and follow it; you know in your heart what it is that you want to do and if you want to follow it.  It is not easy; if it were everyone would be doing it. 

It is not a matter of your wife "approving" anything; you are a grown individual and you need no ones "approval" to proceed with what is an important and seemingly critical aspect of your life.  I have a picture on my hallway wall; it is of a high heeled pump and the caption reads "The question isn't who's going to let me, its who is going to stop me?"  I would post it but the one I have handy I'm not wearing a whole lot; if you would like I'll take a pic of the pic alone and post it for you-it is really cool and very to the point.

be strong; you know that we are all here for you.  I would love to write some more but I have to get back out on patrol and raise driver insurance rates   :-)  lol

I hope to see you soon.

Marlo

So today is my wife and my 9th anniversary. It's been a tough year for us with the pregnancy and my gender questioning. So she gave me a card and the most prominent, boldly lettered word on the front is "MAN". If you looked at it from a distance "MAN" is all you would see. She might as well have stuck a knife in my heart. I'm holding back tears right now.

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 08, 2015, 05:33:21 PM
So today is my wife and my 9th anniversary. It's been a tough year for us with the pregnancy and my gender questioning. So she gave me a card and the most prominent, boldly lettered word on the front is "MAN". If you looked at it from a distance "MAN" is all you would see. She might as well have stuck a knife in my heart. I'm holding back tears right now.

Oh, that's awful. Hugs Katelyn.

My wish for you is that you find a way to disconnect your personal peace from whether your wife validates your gender. Even if she does ever accept you as a woman, but it will happen on her own time and not yours, and you'll be giving her a lot of control over your mood until then.

Thanks Suzi. My therapist and I talk about this a lot. We've developed a plan. We both agree that February is the appropriate time period to tackle the wife problem. I love and cherish her to death but at this point she can either have a dead husband or an alive (ex?)wife. We agreed on February for multiple reasons. The 1st is we determined that it is important to me that I be there for the birth of my 2nd child. The 2nd is maternity leave ends in Feb and she'll be back on her anxiety medication, so from a medical point of view, Feb is the earliest date to safely introduce a high stress situation into her life. I'm ok until then, I think. I'll be turning 34 in Feb. I want my 35th birthday cake to say Katelyn, even if I have to bake it myself.

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 08, 2015, 07:25:41 PM
I want my 35th birthday cake to say Katelyn, even if I have to bake it myself.

It will be the sweetest cake you ever taste.

I have a lot of experience with this topic.  As a boy I wanted to be a girl, as a young man I wanted to be a young lady, as a man I wanted to be a woman, as a husband I wanted to be a woman, as a father I wanted to be a woman.  This doesn't go away.  Its not a choice.  I've been tortured my entire life even today.  I've been the manliest man around, the man other men want to be.  As the baby's parent you will love the the baby fully.  Many people don't stay married over lessor things.  It sounds like the therapist has a predetermined bias to keep you in a relationship "for the baby"  If you wait until after the baby is born that's fine.  But staying in a relationship "for the kids" doesn't help the kids.  The kids are little sponges.  The kids will emulate a dysfunctional relationship.  If the baby knows you as  Katelyn from day one, the baby won't know "daddy" in that sense.  When they know "daddy" at an older age it will become "what happen to daddy"  we want him back!  If  Katelyn is the parent, then the baby knows and accepts who you are and knows you are a care giver and a source of knowledge and wisdom to draw from. 
The next thing to worry about is your wife vindictive?  Could she try to hold you from seeing your baby?  Those questions need to be asked.  If that is a possible yes, then you may have to wait until the kids know you fully so you can make a slow but sure transition. 
I have a much longer tortured story but I'll spare you the details.  I will however say keeping your true self hidden doesn't get easier.  It gets more difficult each day.
Keep strong.

Fell free to PM

So I was in therapy today, just talking about my week and my therapist starts asking me about my medical plans for tansition. We dive into that and we're talking about procedures and Drs that I've been researching when all of a sudden she stops me, "Katelyn, just stop for a second and tell me how you feel right this second." I stop and realize that I have the BIGGEST smile on my face. Like I haven't smiled that wide in years. Then she says "You haven't smiled like that ever in one of my sessions with you." It was really nice to be affirmed like that. Like really nice.

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 21, 2015, 06:32:42 PM
I stop and realize that I have the BIGGEST smile on my face.

:eusa_dance:

Hi -

You've gotten a consensus of sorts here: Transitioning never gets easier and waiting very long because there's a situation isn't helpful either.  I've already opined about waiting earlier and I'm fine with what I posted.

As far as I can tell, there's only one way to get permanent relief from GD and that's to live in the gender of preference where ever that is on the continuum.

I know that's a bit stark at times, but my dear it is what it is.  You'll look back once you've fully committed and see this so much differently - not that you were wrong (or right) but for the reality of living whole and complete.  It's just so much more what life was meant to be.

Love to you and yours,

Rachel

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 21, 2015, 06:32:42 PM
So I was in therapy today, just talking about my week and my therapist starts asking me about my medical plans for tansition. We dive into that and we're talking about procedures and Drs that I've been researching when all of a sudden she stops me, "Katelyn, just stop for a second and tell me how you feel right this second." I stop and realize that I have the BIGGEST smile on my face. Like I haven't smiled that wide in years. Then she says "You haven't smiled like that ever in one of my sessions with you." It was really nice to be affirmed like that. Like really nice.

"Which Pain is Worse?" 
The question to answer all questions

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 21, 2015, 06:32:42 PM
So I was in therapy today, just talking about my week and my therapist starts asking me about my medical plans for tansition. We dive into that and we're talking about procedures and Drs that I've been researching when all of a sudden she stops me, "Katelyn, just stop for a second and tell me how you feel right this second." I stop and realize that I have the BIGGEST smile on my face. Like I haven't smiled that wide in years. Then she says "You haven't smiled like that ever in one of my sessions with you." It was really nice to be affirmed like that. Like really nice.

Congratulations on such a great therapy session.  :D

Wonder why I am still wearing the same smile in the picture after 30 years? You now have the answer..

So a little update. I am in a much better place mentally than where I was when I made my original post. I've been busy planning my transition and coming out to my wife and in the meantime, I've come out to my mom and a supportive uncle. It's comforting to know that I have a time line for starting my transition. The dysphoria is still there, but I can handle it now by saying "Not for long."

I know not how the conversation will go with my wife in February, but I do know that things in the marriage are already not good. The new baby is actually due on Wednesday and my wife is very unhappily pregnant, to the point where there is no room for any other discussion than how miserable she is 24/7. I've been hearing it for so long and have been keeping the household running on my own for so long that I frankly tune her out.

Running has been my lifeline. I took it up again in the spring after a decade away from it and it is the best form of therapy I know. It gives me a chance to think and analyze my current standing, as well as a way to take out my frustrations. Oh and it also helps turn my legs and rear end into something I don't despise looking at (hello running leggings, where have you been my whole life?).

My therapist connected me with a professor at the School of Social Work that I would like to attend. He's very openly gay and is a leader in my area in all things LGBT. He wrote his doctoral dissertation on gender transitioning and he is turning into quite an ally for me along with my uncle. I no longer doubt if I can make it through transition, and I am eager to start. "Not for long."

There ya go, hun!  Admiral Farragut said during the Battle of Mobile Bay...  "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!" 


Marlo

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 02, 2015, 08:19:29 PM
I no longer doubt if I can make it through transition, and I am eager to start. "Not for long."

Congrats Katelyn.  I'm a little jealous of your resolve.

Good luck.
Paige :)

This is dark times. I am not in a good place. Feeling alone, helpless, hopeless. I'm scared of myself. Help.

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 21, 2015, 04:16:58 PM
This is dark times. I am not in a good place. Feeling alone, helpless, hopeless. I'm scared of myself. Help.

You are neither alone, helpless, nor hopeless.

You are certainly not alone. You have us. I read your posts and care a lot (even though I haven't met you).

You're not helpless. You're very capable and you have a good heart.

And you're not hopeless. Lots of great things will come your way. It just doesn't seem that way now.

The feelings you're having are an illusion. They're preventing you from seeing the world as it is. If you can, try to see past the illusion to a reality that has both sadness and joy.

Hugs Katelyn. Let me know what I can do to help.

I'm afraid that the sadness will break me but know that inaction will also break me.

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 21, 2015, 05:10:11 PM
I'm afraid that the sadness will break me but know that inaction will also break me.

Welcome to my world  :(

The past three days of depression and crying over something silly, yet important. My life on the intersection of Hopelessness and Futility. What can I do? What Should I do? What is Best to Do? What is totally impossible to do? What is Possible yet Unachievable? In this lifetime.

Yet, each morning when I wake I see a glimmer of hope. I see the living incarnation of a dream given up on decades ago. I am reminded of where I was before. Of where I NEVER want to be again.

Yet, later in the day I think; "Is this it?" Stuck here at this dark depressing intersection?

My Inaction? Easy to blame or to point at the myriad of reasons that I Agreed To. That I Need To. That I need to Maintain Balance.... Today.  That I needed to Yesterday.

Do I fall or take a step Backwards? Have I? Yes. I have. Or tried to much to my total dismay and later disgust. Do I ever want to once again revive the Thing I was? NO!. Not Ever! Sure life was simpler. Living was a numbed existence. Devoid of everything that makes a person Alive. I was the among the many Undead.  Seeing the light is scary. Leaving it, even more.

I still long for what seems at times to be the simple, tranquil times. More importantly, I long for, I relish, the times I felt. Yes... plain simple FELT. Felt Pain. Felt Joy, Felt Happiness. These three four days of self imposed exile into the Land-O-Numness SUCKS. I Want Out!

Going back, to me, means loosing. It means loosing any feelings. Do I venture into the Dark? Or head towards the Light? As painfilled, as many tears have been shed my me, by my wife, my Teddie Bear, as scared as I am, as unsure as I am, in my core I know who, actually What I am. The who... A work in process.

Yes, there is pain. Plenty of hurt. Gallons of tears.

Is it worth it in the end?

No F'n idea.

After 50 years trying the alternate path I do know without any doubt one absolute truth about how I handled being trans.

I Know What Does Not Work.

So why would I go back to it?

Hi, I've read all of these posts here and the ladies here have given some lovely advice. I don't have a wife and child so my situation is a bit different than yours, but I'm also experiencing a family member trying to gatekeep me out of transition using guilt as a method to keep me reigned in.

And I think it's important that we don't break ourselves for the sake of anyone else; and in the long rung, gender dysphoria eats away at you - it will never be a good situation for your wife and kids, because you yourself won't be happy until you begin taking steps towards transition. If you're not happy, your wife and kids will know.

And as others have said, it is more difficult for older children to accept a parent transitioning than a younger child; if a younger child knows you by your female identity for most of their childhood, they will only really know that version of you; which is what you want.

People who have known you longer when you were in the closet have a harder time getting used to your true gender once you come out; but if you transition soon enough you can make the female you the you that your kids remember.

It's really harmful for your wife to force you not to talk about your gender issues; I've been told to "just live with it" for the sake of others before and it's being asked to give up a whole authentic life you could have had otherwise. If you can avoid legal issues by staying on as close to positive terms with your wife as you can, that would be a great outcome. Do you think your wife would purposefully start implanting negative opinions about you in your kids' heads should a divorce happen? Do you feel that she would purposefully refer to you with he/him pronouns when she talks to the kids about you? You mentioned having a 5 year old daughter. Perhaps soon is a good time to explain to your child that you're a "she." Is there something you'd rather have them call you than "Daddy?" Transitioning won't change your aptitude as a parent and as long as you're a positive and supportive presence in your childrens' lives they will likely respect you and your gender.

It sounds like your wife is trying to push maleness on you and keep you in the closet, that card incident is a real indicator. It's kind of an underhanded way of trying to keep trans people quiet about their gender; a family member did something similar to me just the other day.

I don't think that putting up with abuse will necessarily make this situation any better, can you at least mention to your wife that you're uncomfortable with her forcing male labels on you?

Finally, as other people have said, I think small steps are the best way to begin. Transitioning is a slow process and huge results will take awhile to surface.  Can you get laser/electro? Or a low dose of E?

T is a much stronger hormone than E - I've been on it for 1 month without noticeable changes, so I would assume E would take even longer, especially on a low dose. Ask other women here what changes they noticed on a low does of HRT within 3 months or so.

I hope this helps!

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 21, 2015, 05:10:11 PM
I'm afraid that the sadness will break me but know that inaction will also break me.

OK, I'm going to send some advice your way. I know you didn't ask for advice, so please ignore this if it isn't right for you or if you're not in a place where advice is helpful.

When I'm faced with the possibility of unendurable sadness, it helps me to pray for acceptance. I'm not sure about God, so I pray to my inner strength. It seems to work just as well.

"Please, give me the peace to accept that my parents are gone and I'll never see the again."
"Please give me the peace to accept that that my marriage is over and I don't know that I will find someone like that again."
"Please give me the peace to accept that two of my dearest friends are battling mental illness that makes their lives a frustrating struggle."

I find that when I pray for that sort of acceptance, it nearly always comes. The bad situations don't go away and neither does the sadness, but I don't feel the accompanying horror that I used to feel I needed to hide from.

I hope this helps. You are a special soul and deserve all the good things that life can give you.

Ok I will try that.

I did go for a very hard, very long run this morning and now I'm too exhausted to be depressed.

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 07, 2015, 08:38:27 AM
Having a dark day today. Frustration, and a feeling of being stuck are battling hopelessness to launch me into depression today. Not sure how to break free today...

-Katelyn

Hello
I am a SO, so I have no way to understand what you are going through. But I did wish to say, In my life I have had dark thoughts at times to (no longer) but it  helps to think of just one thing you enjoy... Flowers, running, cooking, anything that is special to you:)
I hope things with the marriage work out... Someone will accept you for who you truly are.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Ok... so I just took a big step... I've been thinking about doing this for years and obsessed over it all weekend... I shaved my legs. It is amazing!!!!!

PS: I didn't clear it with the wife, but I'm not going to hide it but I'm not going around flaunting my legs these days.

PPS: Do the cuts ever stop bleeding?

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 22, 2015, 10:16:33 PM
Ok... so I just took a big step... I've been thinking about doing this for years and obsessed over it all weekend... I shaved my legs. It is amazing!!!!!

PS: I didn't clear it with the wife, but I'm not going to hide it but I'm not going around flaunting my legs these days.

PPS: Do the cuts ever stop bleeding?

Awesome feeling isn't it? I had a lot of cuts the first time I did it too. Next time don't push down so hard with the razor.

Congrats Katelyn. The downside to shaving my legs for the first time is that I knew I could never let them get hairy ever again.

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 22, 2015, 10:16:33 PM
PPS: Do the cuts ever stop bleeding?

I would never let a razor blade get near my precious skin. It's purely electrics for me.

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 22, 2015, 10:16:33 PM
Ok... so I just took a big step... I've been thinking about doing this for years and obsessed over it all weekend... I shaved my legs. It is amazing!!!!!

PS: I didn't clear it with the wife, but I'm not going to hide it but I'm not going around flaunting my legs these days.

PPS: Do the cuts ever stop bleeding?

You'll get better at it!  One recommendation, I read awhile back in a magazine, is use conditioner to shave with, not soap.  It moisturizes the skin while shaving, and it seems to work well.  Unfortunately for me, my hair grows relatively quickly, and with pale skin and dark hair it shows pretty easily, but I do it anyway because I love how smooth they feel, and how materials feel on my skin.

Yes I read the conditioner trick as well and used it last night. It worked like a charm!

Ok so..... geez it's amazing how fast my emotions flip these days. So my therapist has recently encouraged me to bring an outfit of female clothes with me to change into at our appointments. I only have one: http://imgur.com/a/CQtru (http://imgur.com/a/CQtru) and I wore it last week. Her office is in her house so I changed there. As I was leaving I asked if I could wear it again this week and she agreed and asked if I wanted to leave it at her house, which I readily agreed to do. So this week I showed up and changed, forgoing the tights. As I was walking into her therapy room she commented "Oh no tights this week" and I replied "Yup, for a specific reason too." She looked down and just goes, "Wowwwww!"

It was definitely a trip for me to be wearing a dress over my long smooth legs. I felt so vulnerable and yet comfortable at the same time. We had a really deep, heavy session that weaved from how to break my transition plans to my wife to how I see my post-transition sexuality to my first orgasm (which I brought up). I didn't want the session to end but eventually it had to. She has this long mirror sitting on the floor in the room that is waiting to be hung and as I stood up I caught a perfect reflection of my legs and the hem of my skirt. Ummm no bias, they were definitely lady legs!!! Like I've seen a lot of lady legs in my day and what I saw in the mirror were definitely lady legs. My therapist just giggled as I watched myself walk away looking over my shoulder.

Wow.

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 23, 2015, 07:30:40 PM
I only have one: http://imgur.com/a/CQtru (http://imgur.com/a/CQtru) and I wore it last week.

Beautiful. I love your fashion sense.

I'm glad to hear that moving things along has picked up your spirits.  :eusa_dance:

I think it is really noble of you to seek consensus and think about your baby. Your baby should come first no matter what.

Some spouses are more understanding than others. But they cannot really understand what it feels to be in the wrong body. Some therapists can be counter productive in the sense that some people trust them blindly because they are therapists, however wrong they could be. 

I'd try to take baby steps. Watch some trans stuff together, that always helps, paint your nails with transparent nail polish, things that will soothe your dysphoria a bit, I agree w/ the hair removal idea. That's spot on.

Make her part of your changes, in a positive way. The more she gets into it, the more she will realise that we are not freaks, we are normal people with a great desire to live our lives without having to ask for permission.

That said, however, when one CHOOSES to be in a relationship, one should look after their partner. It's a 50/50. So, in my humble opinion, both should negotiate and reach a point where both feel comfortable.

Big hugs.

Quote from: suzifrommd on November 24, 2015, 05:49:21 AM
Beautiful. I love your fashion sense.

You're not the first person to see that outfit and say that.

Quote from: clarabrown on November 24, 2015, 09:41:04 AM
I think it is really noble of you to seek consensus and think about your baby. Your baby should come first no matter what.

Some spouses are more understanding than others. But they cannot really understand what it feels to be in the wrong body. Some therapists can be counter productive in the sense that some people trust them blindly because they are therapists, however wrong they could be. 

I'd try to take baby steps. Watch some trans stuff together, that always helps, paint your nails with transparent nail polish, things that will soothe your dysphoria a bit, I agree w/ the hair removal idea. That's spot on.

Make her part of your changes, in a positive way. The more she gets into it, the more she will realise that we are not freaks, we are normal people with a great desire to live our lives without having to ask for permission.

That said, however, when one CHOOSES to be in a relationship, one should look after their partner. It's a 50/50. So, in my humble opinion, both should negotiate and reach a point where both feel comfortable.

Big hugs.

There's 2 things my wife has been clear and consistent about with regards to any of my trans things. 1st is she doesn't want to know about them and 2nd is she doesn't want to see them. It's not a position of compassion and I do resent her a bit for not allowing me to explore at all.

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 24, 2015, 10:52:15 AM
There's 2 things my wife has been clear and consistent about with regards to any of my trans things. 1st is she doesn't want to know about them and 2nd is she doesn't want to see them. It's not a position of compassion and I do resent her a bit for not allowing me to explore at all.

I'm so sorry about this. As a SO I prefer to see him as a her as I think it helps both parties.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

It's great that you have experienced how things change rapidly, though in transitioning there's always an underlying theme and sense of purpose despite the rapidly changing circumstances.  Your personality is growing and being stretched too, a good thing for a 'young woman's' soul to experience.   :)

I also note that you are just beginning to set boundaries and limits for yourself.  While I wouldn't encourage you to incite stress and comfortableness in your relationship, you shouldn't have to bury everything at home either.  It's your home too.  My ex was strident about not wanting to see me in feme.  So we agreed after a difficult but somewhat civil conversation there were to be times when I could have the house to myself (she could stay if she wished but I would be in feme - she always had things she went off to do).  It wasn't perfect but we made it work because I needed to have feme time without having to leave my home all the time.

What I'm saying is, you have a right to freedom of expression at home as well as your spouse.  Be gentle and fair about it, but it is totally reasonable to expect you to have time exploring who you are.  And trust, that will take sometime.

Anyway, best of everything to you and yours,

Rachel

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 24, 2015, 10:52:15 AM
There's 2 things my wife has been clear and consistent about with regards to any of my trans things. 1st is she doesn't want to know about them and 2nd is she doesn't want to see them. It's not a position of compassion and I do resent her a bit for not allowing me to explore at all.

That certainly sounds familiar.  My wife is very similar. :(  I hope it gets better for you.

Paige :)

Just a another day of support for you. Keep on keeping on.

Rachel.   🌺🌺🌺

Thank you Rachel

It's no fun being in the grips of this depression. What the hell am I waiting around for?

Hi Katelyn,

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling depressed. It's a horrible feeling.

I've been away for a bit, so I was just catching up on your posts. You look great in the photos. It's great you can dress when seeing your therapist. Congrats on the shaving. I also have issues with cuts and regrowth is super itchy! But the smooth skin does feel so much better than the "fur" as I call it. (I seem to have so much of it....yuck!!)

Is your baby due soon?

Take care of yourself.

Jayne

Yes my 2nd baby girl was born 3 weeks ago today. She's a healthy but cranky nocturnal baby. Add sleep deprivation to my depression. Luckily she's wicked cute, so we'll keep her.

Congratulations. I'm glad she's healthy. I don't have kids, so I can only imagine how little sleep a newborn would permit. But she must put a big smile on your face when you look at her.

Jayne

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 27, 2015, 01:53:30 PM
Yes my 2nd baby girl was born 3 weeks ago today. She's a healthy but cranky nocturnal baby. Add sleep deprivation to my depression. Luckily she's wicked cute, so we'll keep her.

Congratulations. I remember the wacky thoughts we had those early weeks when sleep was elusive.

I hope you can look beyond the bleak view of the world that depression presents and keep in your mind that a lot of wonderful things are in store for you.

So I just told my wife that my dysphoria isn't going away. It upset her. I didn't go any further than, "It's not going away."

She's currently not speaking with me.

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 28, 2015, 06:48:26 PM
So I just told my wife that my dysphoria isn't going away. It upset her. I didn't go any further than, "It's not going away."

She's currently not speaking with me.

Hugs, Katelyn. I've heard it said that the "silent treatment" is a form of abuse and control. I hope in her case it's just that she's trying to wrap her mind around it rather than that she's trying to punish you.

Your wife is feeling vulnerable for herself and for the baby now.
Be her rock, even if you identify as female. Girlfriends have been my rock when I needed them.

Her estradiol levels have been through the roof during the pregnancy, now they are plummeting back:
First Trimester 188 - 2497 pg/ml
Second Trimester 1278 - 7192 pg/ml
Third Trimester 6137 - 3460 pg/ml

(My HRT E levels are between 90 and 250 pg/ml, and they mess with my emotions like crazy)

Take it easy on her, understand that her emotional lens may be quite different at the moment, but stand your ground.
Make her feel secure, but don't give up your own future.

We were talking again before we both went to bed. I volunteered to do all the night feedings with the baby so maybe that will help. We didn't talk about my dysphoria again and I don't plan on backing down from my own plans if they should come up again. I wasn't planning on talking about it but she kept getting on me about how I'm never happy anymore and wouldn't let it go.

You can not let it go.
But you can be whom she needs.

Just realize what that means, and what you have to do.

Once you even loosen up the cork a little to break the hermetic seal you relied on to keep 'Her' locked away, there is no going back. Not without a major fight whose outcome is far worse.

You do a little thing, unheard of before, for yourself and feel better about being yourself. Bruised a bit, but happier. 'Happier', in an emotionally healthy person, wins out. Pain is transitory. Misery is forever.

*

Katelyn:

Allow me to share my notes based upon reading your posts and the replies of others here at Susan's.

Congratulations on your newborn.

Now to the harsh realities.

If you took your marriage vows of 'for better or for worse', then transitioning will bring about your 'for better', NOT your 'for worse'.  Hopefully your wife will see that as her emotions settle.

In other words, as Suzi posted in her second point, you will become a better parent, a better spouse, a better person the sooner you proceed with your transition.  Delay will cause you to accumulate resentment against your wife, your child, and any others in your circle of family and friends.

You posted that your wife wants to 'save the marriage'?  How?  By pressuring you to live a lie and not live as your self.  How does a lie 'save' your marriage?  By 'abusing' you?  By 'blaming' you?  By 'bringing up a lot of cr*p'?  By speaking in 'code'?  Sorry to say, to me that sounds more to be her evading the issues, not dealing with them.  Your wife's anniversary card seems such a cruel insult.  Your wife doesn't want to 'know' you or 'see' you and 'not allowing me to explore at all'?  How is she being helpfull?  That's not equality in your marriage, that demanding a monopoly against your fair share.  You do NOT need her permission to transition.

Suzi is also accurate about 'war'.  My parents' separation and divorce was World War infinity that never ended even after my father died and my mother, re-married and divorced again, continued dredging up old issues.  Examining your legal position is in your future.

Sadly, the non-transitioning spouse more often is the one who abandons the marriage.  In the 'old days' before marriage equality, the laws obligated the marriage to be dissolved.  Nowadays that reason for dissolution no longer exists; it peels back what truly lies in the motives for the spouse who departs the marriage and family which could very well destroy an otherwise happy marriage and happy family.

I am reading that you are the one who wants to remain married while your wife wants to take the baby and leave you in the dust.

Dena is so accurate.  If your wife disapproves now, then she is likely to disapprove of you all along your future.  She wants you to 'wait'?  'Need to wait'?  Why?

What better time to act than now, not later.  You can build a wall around yourself with excuses leading to delay or you can act now.  We all have excuses; I had mine and delay was what made my regrets, delay disrupted my capacity to do my transition better and then I felt worse for that delay and disruption.  I dug deep, found my confidence, and acted with self-assurance; that all allowed me to make progress with my transition.

'A few more months' quickly becomes a few more years.  As Joanne posted - soon you will have gone from today to next year, to five years later, to ten years later; there will be no end to delay as long as you keep delaying.

Venus made comments aimed at keeping you moving forward:  electrolysis and hormones.  Both take time.  Your endo could certainly put you on anti-androgens, spironolactone, finasteride, then graduate you to estrogen and progesterone as part of the standard M-F 'cocktail'.

Kristina is fair enough but she suggests delay.  You can still progress; you can still be you - female - wearing jeans and a sweatshirt.

You wrote your concern about your brother doing an Internet search and finding clues of your prospective transition.  If you are already 'estranged', then you have nothing left to lose; he has already left you.  Sadly, many family members will abandon you in your time of need.  I have no remedy for that other than to remind you that many of us lose family and friends.  I lost all family and all 'friends' though family had my entire lifetime to prepare for my transition; everyone knew I would transition from the time I was a child.  I already lost them long before I began my stealth changes at age 18 and made my open changes by age 21.  I reconciled those losses to my satisfaction and moved forward; they could either choose to join me or choose to leave me.

If, as you post, your family 'knew already', then what's the point hiding from them and delaying your transition?  This sounds exactly what happened to me at work.  I thought I was hiding it for for five years during my transition and instead they either 'knew' because my employer violated my privacy or they 'knew' because the signs were there for all to see - including my 'male fail'.  My regret was failing to act - failing to move on my own.  Once I acted, once I took charge of my transition, I felt so relieved, so my 'self', so confident that my head was far more clearer because I no longer had to worry about my effort to delay and cover-up.  I could move on with my life.

'Someone else has been running my life ...' means there will eventually come the time when you must run your life, NOT 'someone else'.  Your decision is when you will 'run your life'.  Now?  Or delay?  I'd catch h*ll from my therapists and counsellors answering with 'delay'  Delay were my regrets because it interrupted me from doing things better.

The future is only 'scary' until you confront it and leave what scares you behind in a pile of dust where it belongs.  'What's the point'?  The 'point' is you taking your own action.  Repeating 'I don't know' what you want for your future does not cut it when you need to be honest even if others around you are not.  You already know what to tell your wife, so tell her.

LadySmith's conclusion says it well:  be yourself.  Yeh, family and 'friends' will abandon you - that's because those who abandon you do not want to know the real 'you' but a fake 'you' whom they fabricated in their own mind and not accept in reality.

You, dear Katelyn, are never alone when you are here at Susan's.  I'm a new member of this thread, fairly new to this site, and I can be here for you with the others who have been with you since your first posts.  Maybe I have not 'been there. done that' to everything on your plate, but I have enough to fully empathise with you.  I care for you as I care for others here.  You have shown your ability to think things through, now go 'full steam ahead' and make your decisions.

You have a sense of humour to carry you forward when you posted about a shaving cut on your leg.  Soon, on ERT and your transition 'cocktail', you will no longer need to shave your legs; your A-A will stop your hair from growing.  There are alternatives to shaving:  waxing, laser, electrolysis, epilators.  All are far less 'cutting' shall we say and provide longer-lasting results.

I saw your picture.  As the graphic appeared, I noticed your hands and fingers - very feminine.  And your body is hot.  You are there.  I once had that same sleek body of a long-distance runner and cyclist, too (10 miles per day), until age and life knocked me for a loop.

Whew!

Take care - Enjoy! - HUUGGSS - Repeat

*

Wow. Thank you so much Sharon Anne. I'm at work but what a post. Like a Knute Rockne speech for transitioning. I will have more time to fully respond after work so for now it's just thank you.

Hey there, kiddo - just checking up on you.

How are things coming along?  Hanging in there?  Sounds like you are struggling a bit, but one thing that you should never forget;

the truth is what the truth is and you will never outsmart no matter how hard you try to, it as many of us have tried to do in the past (some still continue to do so for whatever reason). 

No regrets-that is the key.  I am giving up a pretty good career in law enforcement but that is OK; I have my plan B and will very likely be considerably more successful in that venue.  I'll still teach counter terrorism but will concentrate more on therapy one I gain my license. 

We all will die one day; that is inevitable.  When you take your last breaths, you want to take it having no regrets.  I almost took mine a couple years ago during the assassination attempt on my K9 partner and myself and it was then when I was in the emergency room at the trauma center that I realized that.  I want to be as happy as I can be when the phone rings and its for me, which I pray will not be for a long, long time; I have to much that I need to do for us.

I'm at work too and I have to get back out on patrol shortly, but I just wanted to see how you were doing.  Remember, hard choices and transitioning is not easy by any stretch of the imagination.  But you have only one life, and we have to do what is right for us first, for if we cannot take care of what we need to take care of for ourselves we cannot do a bit of good for anyone else.  We all want to make it to the self-actualization tip of Maslow's pyramid; we simply cannot do it living a miserable and regretful life.

Hang in there, sweetie- gotta run!

Hugs

Marlo

I'm.... I'm..... not all that well really. I'm ready to dive into my transtition, but... I'm going to lose everything... EVERYTHING! I just.... need some courage maybe. You all are making a difference with me though, and for that, I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.

Quote from: KatelynBG on December 01, 2015, 12:17:33 PM
I'm.... I'm..... not all that well really. I'm ready to dive into my transtition, but... I'm going to lose everything... EVERYTHING! I just.... need some courage maybe. You all are making a difference with me though, and for that, I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.

I don't think you will lose everything. You have your intelligence, your loyal heart, and your persevering spirit. Nothing will take that from you.

Yes, there is risk in transition (as in anything worth doing). Yes there will be losses (though there would also be losses if you didn't transition).

You are strong enough to face whatever comes. I promise you that.

Honestly Suzi, things have come to a head. I need to have a sit down with my wife within a week. I'm done waiting around, I'm done worrying about what my wife thinks. I'm done with my therapist saying "Not yet". 2 things: I'm going to m first group trans meeting tomorrow night in Portland (ME) and I'm seeing my therapist the next day. I'm asking her for the HRT letter at that appointment.

You won't lose everything, honey.  Yes, there is some give and take, but look at how much more you will gain.  You're certainly headed in the right direction; doubts?  Yes, there may be some but those vanish.  Before you know it, you on you're way head first with no looking back.


Hugs

Marlo

I just had the talk with her. She's packing. I'm devastated.

Quote from: KatelynBG on December 01, 2015, 07:56:33 PM
I just had the talk with her. She's packing. I'm devastated.

Oh, hugs Katelyn. I'm so sorry to hear this.

Oh no I'm so sorry that you both couldn't come to a compromise where both peoples needs are met.  Keep strong. You seem like a wonderful person.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Significant other
Heterosexual woman

It will be OK, hun  :-)    Don't look back, and remember that you have rights as far as the little one is concerned.  We're all here for you

Lots of hugs this time  :-)

Marlo

I am sorry it's happening as well but we really can't be sure what the future will hold other than you will finally be able to deal with the feelings that have troubled you for so long. Maybe you will lose her but you will gain a better future so your not losing everything. Don't change your mind about this to get her back because doing so will leave you no better off than you were before.

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you Katelyn. I hope you can finally find the happiness you deserve.

Jayne

This is so stupid. I'm so stupid. How could I do this to her?

Quote from: KatelynBG on December 02, 2015, 03:24:31 AM
This is so stupid. I'm so stupid. How could I do this to her?

You're not doing anything to anyone. You are being yourself. No one can pretend to be someone else without it taking a brutal toll on their soul, and no one, no one has a right to ask you to be someone else for their sake.

You're doing what you have to do. If you had any other choice, you would have chosen it. You have no control over how she reacts or what she needs to do.

She wants me to be Kyle or she's gone. Not only that but she wants me to be happy Kyle from when we first met. She is threatening to keep the kids away from me. I don't know.... I feel like I'm drowning.

Quote from: KatelynBG on December 02, 2015, 06:03:17 AM
She wants me to be Kyle or she's gone. Not only that but she wants me to be happy Kyle from when we first met. She is threatening to keep the kids away from me. I don't know.... I feel like I'm drowning.

That is unfair of her, and you probably know that deep down.

As far as the kids, that's nasty - to sacrifice your children's well-being to control your behavior. Thank about that. What sort of parent says "I'm going to deny my children their parent so I can control her." If she's serious, she is not your friend, she is not a decent person or a caring parent, and you are 100% completely better off without her.

Please get legal help. Your children need protection from her, and you are the only one who can give it to them.

I'm so upset. She's manipulating me and I'm buying it. So far she threw her wedding and engagement ring at me when I mentioned wanting to go on hormones. She's threatened to bar me from seeing my kids, she's listed herself as single on Facebook and blocked me on FB messenger. She's demanding that I be a man and happy about it. She'll "let" Me dress up in private. This all so horrible but I just can't do it. I can't do it.

Katelyn, I just had a short tough stretch with Sweetie. Nothing was resolved, but it lead to this exchange on Facebook with my bestie:

Her: "Not everyone deserves to know the real you. Let them criticise who they think you are."

Me: "Thanks, but what do you do when they like who they think you are and criticise who you really are?"

Her: "Not care and keep your head high. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. That's what it is."

Right now your wife loves who she thinks you are, and wants him back. If she doesn't love who you are, and isn't willing to try to, then you have to stop taking her wishes into account and protect yourself emotionally and legally.

Dear Katelyn:

You are experiencing the realization of losing your life's partner, and your reaction is understandable.   I was in the same situation only later in life, and eventually I lost any intimate relationship with my family, including my daughters and the grand children.  It was a grievous loss and to this day I lament that my transgender condition was the initial stimulus for the family's dissolution.

I take responsibility for the initiating event(s) that caused this to occur.  However, my wife and daughters were fully aware of what they were doing and for reasons that made sense to them they didn't and haven't changed their minds.  I really wanted to own that I made them decide and behave as they did and continue today.  Well, I can't! Further, I wasn't the SOB of the century because I had to transition; rather, I was and am human and this is what life has given me to deal with - it's no one's fault!

The reality is I didn't make them do anything; they each took upon themselves to collectively reject me.  No matter how I parse that matter the facts and impacts upon them and others as a result of pushing me away wasn't and isn't within my means or responsibility to do anything about.  I love them dearly and always will and I think they love me or at least who they wish I was, but life went on and here I am today happy as Rachel.

It took time and a great deal of support from friends and professionals to 1) help me see that, and 2) to accept that without guilt.  No matter what you do now the Genie is out of the bottle and she isn't ever going to return.  Trying to put her back will not make your wife's life easier or happier.  Oh, I'm sure it will relieve some tension and lessen the anguish, but the crux of the matter is and ever will be what it is . . . You are Katelyn!  And that reality now that you've faced it will never settle for anything less than being you, i.e. Katelyn.

If for reasons of well-being, finances, employment, etc. you need to step back, then do so.  If you do so be honest with yourself and begin working immediately on a viable near-term exit strategy that fairly takes care of you and your family.  That isn't likely to make your wife happy, but it's essential for your well-being and ultimately your wholesome survival and your children.  Don't delude yourself that things will just workout - they won't unless your wife wants them to, and you have no control over that just as she has no control over you being Katelyn (you really don't either but that's another discussion).

You've been well advised and supported here, and I encourage to keep using this site for support.  It's sad and it is difficult today, but you will survive and life will turn once again into a great adventure that is full of life lived large and lovingly.  Many of us know because we were right there where you are just as we are here now for you.

My dearest Katelyn take good care and please stay in touch,

Rachel

Wait Rachel, are you my therapist? Your advice on a near term exit strategy is exactly what we discussed tonight.

If you don't have one coming up, see if you can get another therapy appointment. You need to talk to somebody and vent all these feelings. We will do what we can but you may need more skill than we can provide.

I don't think it will be possible for her to keep the kids away from you unless she violates the law and kidnaps them. Most of the time of you are a good parent, the court will award visitation rights to you if you don have the kids.  This is something you need to see a lawyer about as soon as possible because she is considering violating the law and you need advice about the law in your area.

If you give in to her blackmail you will be lying to her and yourself. It isn't possible for you to go backwards. You have reached the decision point in your life where you can't survive as you were.

I have another therapy tomorrow.

I woke up this morning smiling about this little exchange with my therapist yesterday:

Me: Do you think... is there any doubt that I am transgender?

My therapist: Oh you got it bad kid!

Quote from: KatelynBG on December 02, 2015, 10:27:57 AM
She's threatened to bar me from seeing my kids

Don't fall for this. She can't legally block you from seeing your kids unless she can prove you are a danger to them.

Quote from: KatelynBG on December 03, 2015, 06:41:26 AM
I woke up this morning smiling about this little exchange with my therapist yesterday:

Me: Do you think... is there any doubt that I am transgender?

My therapist: Oh you got it bad kid!

I had that pretty well figured out by the 9th post you made. I sit here feeling a little guilty with your wife wanting to leave you because I still remember making those first 9 post. In a way I am a contributing factor to the mess you are in now. I would do it all over again tomorrow if the same thing came up but I think you are in a better place now than you were when you made your initial post here.

Quote from: Dena on December 03, 2015, 08:41:13 PM
I had that pretty well figured out by the 9th post you made. I sit here feeling a little guilty with your wife wanting to leave you because I still remember making those first 9 post. In a way I am a contributing factor to the mess you are in now. I would do it all over again tomorrow if the same thing came up but I think you are in a better place now than you were when you made your initial post here.

No need to feel guilty Dena. I wouldn't change anything even if I could. You were also the first person to tell me to get a therapist and without her, I would be in a much much worse place right this second than without her. She and I have made a plan and I'm ok at the moment.

So several days on, I'm calm. The dysphoria isn't as crushing when I have a chance to think about how to proceed forward. My wife has asked a lot of me and I'm not sure I can fulfill what she wants from me. It's disheartening, if expectedly, that she would so thoroughly reject me and do so so quickly. In doing so she treated me with verbal and physical abuse that really hurt me and nary an apology to be seen. My therapist noted in the 2nd of our appts last week noted that I referred to my wife with a lot of dismissiveness and resentment.

It's obvious to me what needs to happen, but it seems so scary and final. And what if she follows through on her threats to fight to keep me away from my kids? Her parents are wealthy and could hire a much better lawyer than I could even dream of hiring. If I had to choose an overriding emotion right now, it would definitely be fear, and I'm not sure how to get around that.

On top of that my mom has been really trying to help but she gets in the way a lot. She had promised me that she would only talk about my being trans with her best friend, who I have known for years and I know she's very liberal minded. I found out my mom reached out to someone I've never met down in Florida. When I questioned her about this woman, my mom just said "Well she's a lesbian, what's the problem?" The problem was when my mom told me of the conversation, I caught a strong whiff of TERFism. Her friend's advice was that the courts will definitely take my kids away and that I should wait until they go to college to transition, so as not to hurt the kids. Wow, really? I told my my mom that I might not make it 18 more years and when I told her why she got really upset.

So am I in emergency mode? No. There are things I need to take care of before trying to move forward though. I've decided to apply for grad school. I also need to shape up at work as my work has really slipped in recent months. Lastly, I reached out to the Transgender Law Center for a referral to a trans friendly family lawyer that might be located nearby.

Thank you all for your support and advice, even if I didn't listen in the moment.

Quote from: KatelynBG on December 06, 2015, 03:59:46 PMMy therapist noted in the 2nd of our appts last week noted that I referred to my wife with a lot of dismissiveness and resentment.

It's about time.

Quote from: KatelynBG on December 06, 2015, 03:59:46 PMHer friend's advice was that the courts will definitely take my kids away and that I should wait until they go to college to transition, so as not to hurt the kids.

I heard a lot of that advice when I transitioned. There is an awful lot of transphobia when people talk about kids. They don't realize that there is hate in the assumption that transitioning is somehow bad for children.

Stick to your guns, Katelyn. I can't guarantee good things will happens. Life offers no guarantees, right? The best you can do is fight. I can tell by your posts, you're a loving, motherly woman, and to us, the idea of fighting makes us queasy. But when it comes to danger to our kids, sometimes we have to fight.

At times like these, we have to channel Joan of Arc or Katniss Everdeen or whatever powerful fighting woman comes to mind. We don't like fighting, but if we have to, we do.

Though if you find yourself around your wife, wouldn't hurt to drop little statements about how awful for the kids a custody battle would be and how worried you are that it would harm them.

I'm glad to see you finding your strength. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Quote from: suzifrommd on December 06, 2015, 05:17:42 PM

At times like these, we have to channel Joan of Arc or Katniss Everdeen or whatever powerful fighting woman comes to mind. We don't like fighting, but if we have to, we do.

Maria Theresa von Habsberg? Yeah.... I'm a wicked history nerd.

(She was the one and only female Holy Roman Emperor and Archduchess of the Austro-Hungarian empire)

Channel Boadicea and give no quarter.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Oh yes a Celtic queen is a lovely spirit animal, I will take your suggestion and run with it!  ;D

YOU are not doing these horrible things. THEY are. Remember that.

You are doing one thing and one thing only - following a standard course of treatment for severe gender identity dysphoria. You have made no demands for divorce, no demands about children, no threats, nothing.

THEY have done this, not you. And no matter what she threatens, unless it can be proven in a court of law that you are a physical danger to the children, she cannot keep you from seeing your kids. In fact, a good lawyer who was informed about her blackmail attempts (and that's what those are) might even get you custody if you were so inclined.

You are only responsible for what you choose to do and say. They can't blame you but they'll try. The reality is they make their choices. She could accept, she could reject kindly and politely helping with an amicable split, or she can be an ass, and it sounds like, at least right now, she's chosen the latter.

You're also learning something that some of us idealistically held to and then were devastated to find was not true - love is almost NEVER unconditional. It's almost always very very very conditional. People who truly love unconditionally are rarer than we imagine.

My wife and I had a LONG talk last night. It was devoid of the anger and vitriol from the other night. She asked me exactly what I want and I told her about how I very much wanted my family in my life every day. About how I love our house and our neighborhood and our marriage. But I also talked about my dysphoria and what it does to me on a daily basis. How I got to this point with my dysphoria. She asked me what I want a lot and expressed concern that I she wants me to be happy too. I told her what life would be like if we stayed together and I didn't transition. We talked about what life would be like if we separated. She asked if she should call her parents to go live with them (they're the next town over) and I said it would be her decision.

Bottom line is the only thing we decided was to try to give our kids a great Christmas.

I was encouraged by the tone of the conversation more than anything, even though it's still clear she wouldn't stay with me after my transition.

Am I beating about the bush too much?

Hi Katelyn. I think it's great that you and your wife were able to have a conversation without anger.

It seems to me quite clear from all your posts I've read that for you the only option is to transition. If your wife can no longer be with you after you transition, that is something only she can know. If she can get past the fact she would be in a same sex relationship, which is a big ask for someone who is heterosexual, and know she would be with the better version of you, that would be awesome!

I hope once all the anger starts melting away, you are both able to remain friends if not a couple. It would by far be the best outcome for your children and also for the two of you. Hate and anger are not helpful to live a happy life.

I wish you and your family a great Christmas.

Quote from: KatelynBG on December 08, 2015, 04:06:07 AM
Am I beating about the bush too much?

Given the way things have improved in the past week, seems like you're doing things just perfectly. You can't argue with results.

So I found a trans woman that lives in my town. She's a very prominent activist and is very out about being trans. I found her blog and my therapist knows her. I reached out to her recently and we've agreed to have a cup of coffee together soon. I'm excited for this because I've never met a trans person that I could actually talk to about being trans myself. I mean, I've had 2 banking customers that were trans and one of them I had a very good business relationship with, but I could never have mentioned myself to them. I just went out of my way to give them extra supportive customer service whenever I could. The one who I had a great relationship with actually wrote me a letter after I left that branch about how thankful she was that I treated her with so much respect. I used to get angry when my coworkers would misgender her or say something otherwise transphobic. I surprised a lot of people I think.

Anyways, I'm looking forward to meeting this woman, we have a lot in common in our lives besides being trans.

It would be ironic if the woman you are going to meet was one of the bank customers.

Haha yeah

I bought a new outfit last night and shaved my legs this morning. No cuts, yay!

So. Wow. The loneliness is sufficating. My wife has declared that I not show any femininity at all. This won't last long and at this point, I'm just trying to make it past Christmas for my kids' sakes. It's the overwhelming sense of being alone of swallowing my true nature. It's not healthy to fight every instinct in my body.

Quote from: KatelynBG on December 21, 2015, 07:24:18 PM
My wife has declared that I not show any femininity at all.

Does she get to call the shots?

Quote from: suzifrommd on December 21, 2015, 08:45:33 PM
Does she get to call the shots?

Oh Suzi, I love that you're always pushing me on that. Don't stop.

I would hate to be in your shoes especially when youve got kids, i understand your needs as i share them as well.

However if your relationship is definitly over I personally would suck it up until afyer xmas and then you need to work on another transition before your own and thats the transition your children will be facing.

An ugly divorce with kids in the middle can cause irreparable damage to them, it would be worth seeking counsel in this regard where you, your wife and children sit down and discuss the future.

Children are extremely intelligent and you need to respect them by including them, letting them know its no ones fault you will always be a family no matter what etc..

Once youve got them stabilized and in an understanding position i would resume your own transition, or do so the whole time quietly and within respectful ranges with your wife.

My children are my life and im sure your the same, you can do this but take your time to be fair to everyone and not just yourself.

Time is on your side!

~Shan~

Dear Katelyn:

From my limited view, and remember it's limited and only as informed as you made it here with all my biases embedded therein.  I speak here as if know and what I say is the truth.  It's not; it's a possibility and only that.  It remains up to you to decide what and how these words land for you.  Please know I offer them in deepest respect for your family and you:

Your relationships with your wife, children and family(ies) are evolving.  The pattern of hysteria and outbursts followed by periods of quiet and sometimes reasoned conversations are signs all of you moving to a different place than any of you were at months ago, perhaps even just weeks ago.

It's difficult to see this as progress but it is, for recognizing that it's progress doesn't always mean it's satisfying and pleasing - often quite the opposite.  However, as you go forward I hope you can see that progress is a result of those quiet reasoned times when conversation can take place without it being overly nasty, competitive and/or snarky.  You should also see when that isn't occurring you have the ability to stop the discourse with those whom you love and explain to them that you want a loving solution that everyone can live with, not necessarily what anyone would choose but the middle ground where there's acceptance and sense of completeness for each to move on with their lives, together or apart while being whole and fair (a mouth full and a ton to expect).  But that can only occur when the crap stops, and beginning now you should intend that it stops.

Further, there's nothing to rush and nothing to avoid anymore; what's there is what's possible in the real world given each party's proclivities - it is what is, nothing more and nothing less.  The time is upon you where others' abusing, guilting, and blaming are no longer permissible; it's getting in the way for you and them if they could only see it that way and if they cannot then you must help them at least stop.  This will occur when you are firm and loving and simply refuse to participate in tearing down rather building - if even building for the cessation of the relationship(s).  Simply back away, literally if necessary, for a while and then begin anew, but don't let the painful stuff occur. 

For you to do this may seem hurtful and callus but it is quite the opposite.  Rather, you are honestly being whom you are, showing your love for each and everyone while insisting that love is not permission or an excuse for poor behavior.  Again, be loving and gentle but firm and steady while patient.  (And you can do that for there is nothing preventing that now but misplaced, existential quilt.)

Get a lawyer if you don't have one, and then discuss what your desires are for HOW to move forward with your therapist.  Worry less about what the outcomes will be as you have little leverage in changing anyone's mind; they will find a way to be with you inside their lives or not.  (Use the law to ensure your children benefit from your parenting and create a fair equitable separation if necessary.  Why?  You have rights and they important to preserve going forward from today.)

Understand what the consequences will be from becoming a loving and caring adult who respects herself as much as anyone else and is ready to seek common ground for moving into the future.  For example: There may be more noise and it may be louder, threats may be made, silence may ensue, people may take sides and insert themselves where they have no standing, etc.  In addition, wonderful solutions may arise.  In any event, you as a loving partner, parent and human being will be responsibly taking care of business.  Whatever occurs, you are now one of the loving adults in the matter, maybe the only one, but in any case press on as that adult.

What I just wrote sounds withering, harsh and uncaring.  I offer that if you are the loving person who shows up here on Susan's Place then it's time you showed that love powerfully and demonstratively.  Some may take offense but that's their challenge not yours.  As long as you come from a place of love and workability you are doing what loving people do when faced with difficult times and decisions.  They ACT out of love and good reason for a future that embraces building something worth living into that future, recognizing that the future will never be the past.  It may repeat itself but it won't duplicate it.

Carpe deim my dear friend,

Rachel

P.S. Sorry for the length, it's hard to boil this stuff down much less live it as you well know.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone

. . . and to you and yours!  Merry Xmas.

Katelynn, i have nothing to add to the wise words of Shan and Rachel above, please take them to heart and see how they apply to you.
Merry Christmas all!
Love,
Denali

I'm going to my first trans group meeting tomorrow night in Portland, ME.

Another long discussion with my wife last night. Another opportunity to go for it. I don't know what's holding me back on this.

Hi Katelyn,

How did your trans meeting(s) go?

Whatever you do, do it out of love. But remember, you must love and care for yourself before you can be very effective in loving others.
Keep us posted.

Love,
Denali

Ah yes the meeting was strange and comforting at the same time. I haven't unpacked my feelings about it yet.

Quote from: KatelynBG on January 09, 2016, 12:06:50 PM
Ah yes the meeting was strange and comforting at the same time. I haven't unpacked my feelings about it yet.

It took me a good week or two to sort of process my feelings after my first ever meeting. I was almost as overwhelmed after the second one. By the third I knew for sure I needed to be there

hey there kiddo!  It sounds like you're moving along.

It is a storm right now, but even the worst of storms subside.  If the situation dictates that continuing your marriage is not an option, there is no reason why you and your wife cannot be friends or at minimum amicable for the sake of the kids. 

It does not mean that the love is not there, as there was some to bring a child into this <expletive> upped world.  It is just that the right kind of love to sustain the marriage may not be there, and you have to remember that not  everyone is wired to handle this.  While I don't really believe in fair (I say fair is where hogs win ribbons and you get sick on elephant ears), you each have to respect your desires and plans; unfortunately those two do not always mesh. 

But by respecting them, that is a good start to a healthy relationship even if it not matrimonial.  Besides, your kinds of stuck with each other for the foreseeable future; why not make it as pleasant as possible?  I have worked so many domestic violence cases (gay and straight) that would have never gotten there if the two parties had just talked to each other (and not at each other) and respected each others wishes.  Of course it goes much deeper than that, but I think you get the basic gist.

Another point is that when violence does occur, not only does it occur in the heat of passion but it also occurs sometimes out of pure hatred for the other (as well as other reasons).  I tell couples that sometimes it is better to walk away as friends than to get to the point where hatred takes over.

I'm not saying yours is the case for DV, but I'm hoping you're seeing the point that I'm trying to make.  While domestic violence is not necessarily my forte, I know too many people both from on and off of the job.  DV does not always involve physical violence or even verbal abuse; it can be done very subtly. 

I want you two to make the right choice, and it looks like the storm may be subsiding a bit to begin to accomplish that task.


Be safe, hun

Marlo

I had some Katelyn time and I adore my new wig.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F6adnMcy.jpg&hash=942ddb114dfa915310f6c2425070ef559ac1949a)

Thank you so much ladies for your continued support, I am getting there, slowly but surely. I feel it won't be long now.