Today I decided to do the girl mode thing for a while it is the first time with long hair. I saw someone that is between a woman and a man I just don't get the whole I am the girl in the mirror thing the man staring back at me normally does not feel alien he was greeting me for so many years.I don't have a problem particularly with being male bodied I can bear it.I just got this irretating dysphoria that I should have been a woman I desire woman things a womans body and being in a relationship as a woman.I got angry at the woman that I saw for putting me through this hell of being transgender and just want her to leave me alone that I can be normal. I don't know how I am going to get the courage to wonder out of the door like this. How am I going to introduce Amoray to my family. I was fighting with the woman in the mirror actually telling her that she is taking my childs father away. That she killed my wifes husband. I hate being transgender even though I cant help it. I know ones I stop my hormone treatment the noise is going to change return again. I don't know maybe I am just scared of living as a woman. maybe I was scared at seeing my true self looking back at me for the first time.
My therapist is also trying to push me along and say the
fastest way for me of getting over the los of my marriage is to start living as Amoray.
The avatar is actually a pic from how I looked I did not go bonkers with makeup. I don't know if I look like a man pretending to be a woman or do I actually pass.
how long did it take you to accept the woman in the mirror or see a woman in the mirror?
I just want to put in that you look like a woman.
I would say that you look good in your picture.
I have been in your shoes and it's very hard to achieve a balance where you are happy and accepting. I found that over time, I became more female and eventually I accepted myself. For ages I used to ask myself, "Why me? Why now?" but those thoughts have gone.
Going out for the first time is I think one of the most frightening aspects of transitioning. I found it best if I went with someone but even then it was scary. I always made sure I had a safe place to retreat to so I could calm down when the fear factor became overwhelming. Over time and I mean months here, I eventually found the courage to go out all dressed up on occasion.
Now, years later, I cannot imagine living as the man I used to be. I am much calmer than I was, I no longer have the stress of having 2 separate entities fighting inside my head for control of my body. I am a woman now.
When I look in the mirror without my wig on, I wonder who that person is in the mirror, it doesn't seem to be me. When I get dressed, even with just my wig on, I feel natural again and I see the person in the mirror as the person I always was inside.
Sure, the road ahead is a tough one, there's no doubt about it. I won't say it's been wonderful, but it was the only road I could follow and still survive. I lost some friends but I made some new ones along the way.
Inside, you are still the same person you always were. You might like a certain football team or hobby. I am not interested in joining any sewing circles just because I transitioned. I still like tinkering with my classic and antique cars and I still like doing the things I used to do, I just wear different clothes that's all. Someone said that they were like a gift. Same thing inside the box, just different wrapping on the outside. I have to agree with that philosophy.
Sure you're scared and frightened, I was too, but eventually I was able to overcome 90% of my fears. I'm still scared at times but I can manage the fear.
If you like, dressing at home will perhaps help you adjust a little. I found that helped me adjust to who I was but it's your decision. Continue with your therapist and move at your own speed.
I hope that at some time in the future, you will find the road you will take and you'll feel at peace with yourself. Just because you feel this way does not mean you will transition because not every one does nor do they have to.
I hope that what I have written will be of some help to you and I really do wish you all the best for the future. I'm sure that if you need to talk, that there are people here who know just what you feel and are going through and will listen.
Love,
Clare
I have never had negative feelings towards her.
Seeing her in the mirror has always given me hope and joy, I have always wanted to work hard to give her a chance to have her own life and be happy and free.
Realizing what it means to be her is full of surprises, some pleasant, some less so. My dealing with it is still influenced by my memory of the feelings of love and admiration I had when I could see her emerge.
I only started being able to see her in the mirror after I had accepted the possibility of being trans, which was five or six years ago. Before that, I had the same dysphoria, but I always saw a man dreaming about having a female body.
Wow, lucky you! The girl in the mirror looks pretty passable and feminine.
I have always known that the male me was a construct, since the times when I was 20-21 years old when I created him to replace the confused, genderless being that I had been before that. I grew up in the 1970's not knowing that transitioning was even a "thing," wanting to be a girl, thinking it was impossible, stuck in an undersized, nominally male body and trying to make the best of a very bad situation.
I saw a woman in the mirror the first time I fully dressed and put on a wig. The weather was still warm, and I was wearing Hollister shorts and an Aeropostale camisole top over a VS push up bra, and the girl in the mirror looked pretty darn cute, if you ask me.
I wanted very much to see more of her and I wish I could be her all the time, but I am not out at work yet, and I have only been out in public dressed but without the wig or makeup. Ah, well, one small step at a time.
Your pic looks like an average walking around young woman to me.
It sounds like you're battling the GD from a different perspective then I ever had. I've been cross-dressing since I was 10 or so and very deep in the closet. No matter how horrible I know I had to of looked in real life, I was able to look past all that and see the dream, the fantasy. I guess the feeling good on the inside part helped a lot there.
Today, I still live and present primarily as male. Seven years ago I took the trans beast on for real. Worked hard at improving my self, therapy, mostly for all the baggage from not handling being trans for decades, plus HRT. Today I live in a body I like. Certainly not ideal, but far far better inside and outside even. I enjoy being me.
Today, as in many days these past few years, when I look in the mirror I see Joanne looking back, whether she has long flowing hair or mostly bald scalp. I actually enjoy mirrors now. The only time I don't is when "The sad old man" makes an appearance to pile on the heap of the crap going on in my life. That is when I know for sure I am slipping back into that "thing" I used to be on the inside
Thank you to all the comments
Today I just feel like giving up I know transition is best for me but I just feel like I want to kill her of and try to be normal. I feel awkward and weird in female mode these days it is as if the normal excitement that came with being able to dress up died of and I don't mind and is not bothered by being in mens clothing.
it is almost 3pm and I am still sitting in the clothes that I slept in a Ferrari shirt and boxers I also skipped my hrt I feel like I want to put all my girl clothes in a garbage bag and give it to the closest person walking in the street. I am having second thoughts about transitioning 4 months in,6 months ago this is the thing that I wanted most in the world. But it is not living up to what I expected it to be it is rather the opposite. My dreams that my wife promised me we would have are shattered after she turned around we are not going to be a gorgeous trans couple anymore. It turned to divorce. My dream as being loved for who I really thought I am is only a fiction movie.
The fear of being without friends is scary I don't have any friends now in the new city we are staying and the people that used to be my friends where the husbands or boyfriends of some of her friends. We are still staying under the same roof that increases my fear of being myself as my mind is still in defence mode that if I don't do girl she would give me a chance. I can't be myself out of fear that there may be a chance somewhere to get my sweet love back and screwing it up like so many times before.
I desperately need a time machine ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I even went and bought a wig this week and some more clothes and I can see a girl in the mirror but being her is scary!
I am actually staring at the heap of clothes shoes and so,on the floor that I want to send Amoray to oblivion with but some part of me is asking me. Can my therapist be right is Amoray the only way out of this hole is the male me just a construct that I created in everybody's else's vision. The amount of depression that dysphoria caused me is phenomenal.
I don't know what to do I just feel like giving up and try to live a normal life or as normal life as I can but I know she will always be there to shoot me down. I don't know why I keep seeing her as a bad guy.
It is too strong.
I know the power of dysphoria if that is what you meant. The noise becomes unbearable if I go of hrt it is like antidepressants you don't think you need them when you are on them. Ones you leave them you are back in the same old boat.
I am scared that the same thing is happening to me again. I came thus far four months into transition and now I just want to turn around and run away. I am scared that if I stop that I will manage for years and break down when I am older. It is never too late to transition but then I wasted years of not living as my true gender and might regret it then.
I twice experimented with transitioning in my early twenties. Each time stopping between being too scared, wanting just to be 'Normal', not wanting to be alone. A target. etc. You know the drill. The bottom line is I was ill prepared for the journey. I was an emotional wreck. If I did forge ahead I'd likely be dead today.
It was some 25 years later I took the tran-beast on for real. My biggest regret is over the wrecking ball I was to many lives, including my own over how I was NOT handling being trans.
I also contemplated on transitioning when I was around 18 but did not go through with it because of my family and I met my wife at that stage. 9 years later the whole thing is back and I am scared if I don't transition I will just relaps and go through it all again.
You can decide to transition now, while you are not 100% sure, and you may forever regret having given up the life you had before.
If you wait until you are 100% sure, you may wait forever.
Or you can do what I did, that is deny and delay and wrestle with the dysphoria until you can not take it any more, until you realize that you will become more and more depressed and unhappy with every passing year.
When I made my final decision in 2013 to go all the way, I could not know whether it would make me happy, whether it would work out. But I DID know that I would never find peace with myself staying in the male role, in my male body.
By the time I was ready like that, I was well over forty years old. I do not regret my decision. I regret that it took me so long.
Quote from: Amoré on December 06, 2015, 01:09:21 PM
I also contemplated on transitioning when I was around 18 but did not go through with it because of my family and I met my wife at that stage. 9 years later the whole thing is back and I am scared if I don't transition I will just relaps and go through it all again.
This really resonates with me... one thing I have come to realize is that it never goes away. This is probably the hardest emotional hurdle you will ever face in your life. I really empathize with you.
The only 3 bits of wisdom I can give you is you only have one life so be sure to live it for yourself, you must love yourself otherwise you'll never be fully happy, and there are people in the world who will love you no matter what path in life you take.
Quote from: Amoré on December 06, 2015, 01:09:21 PM
I also contemplated on transitioning when I was around 18 but did not go through with it because of my family and I met my wife at that stage. 9 years later the whole thing is back and I am scared if I don't transition I will just relaps and go through it all again.
If that is your picture, finish and someone somewhere is gonna appreciate you.
Emotionally things can really suck. Like divorce, crap for child visitation, loss of family and friends, etc....
Going through that crap right now. At least the job is TG friendly. They are talking about installing a unisex bathroom with restricted access.
Think about how you can feel when you are not being who you really are. Life has a way of bringing us around in a circle and we wind up where we started out.
Sometimes the things we feared happening end up happening no matter how we live our lives. What kind of friends will you really have if they can't accept you as you are?
As a transsexual grandma, I know who I am. I know also to some people in my family I will always be a guy in a dress.
As a professional people pleaser, I have learned that the world is full of people living life their way and some of them even want me to live my life their way, but I have the same right to live my life my way. There is kind of a balance.
If you live as a self-centered jerk, then it will be hard to find anybody to really be your friend and if you have friends it will because they need to have a jerk in their lives. But if you learn to love yourself and try and be the best person you can be you will find truer friends.
I waited 53 years to be comfortable owning my own female clothing and loosing my fears to be my old granny self to ditch any of my clothes and I cannot live the butch lifestyle again.
But if a girl needs to live butch she should live butch. As a young lady, you need to discover what lifestyle you wish to live. Find one lifestyle that is you and be happy.
If you identify yourself as a female, then you, it's you and you have nowhere to run, but you need to decide how butch or how feminine you wish to live as.
As for what others will think, that you can never change and dime to a dollar some people will only see the woman in you and some will only see the man. You can't satisfy either, only yourself. Do you want your next partner to accept you for being you, then you have to be you up front right away.
The other thing to consider is that no matter what kind of a relationship you have with other people it will redefine itself over and over as the years pass. Little stays the same and much of our past can disappear in the mist of time unless you live in a community that changes little over time, but even that is hard to find, because the people you are close to get old and die or move away from your neighborhood and soon you may find yourself being just one of the old timers left around muttering about the fact that the world you live in is a stranger to you.
I have moved so much and the Gods have taken a broom and swept up so much of my life that there is no place to go back to and the future is short, so the only time I have is now. So this old grandma is just left with the now.
In time, being happy with the now of life maybe all you have. You are a beautiful young lady, enjoy life, and be kind to yourself. Remember that Mother Nature and life are also shaping your self image and physical appearance and someday you to will just be a little old lady, like the rest of us senior citizens.
Quote from: ChasingAlice on December 06, 2015, 11:23:47 PM
If that is your picture, finish and someone somewhere is gonna appreciate you.
That is actually my picture :) It breaks me to get divorced for just being trans.She gave me chances to try and proof myself but I was not emotionally ready how do you ask someone that is broken and on their weakest to prove themselves. It is like asking someone that just broke their leg and is recovering to run a marathon. It is inhuman to expect that. The same with the last couple of months for me I am still recovering from the trauma of what my family did to me and how they hurt me. I have clinical depression also which adds to the fire.
If you hadn't said you were born male i'd have a hard time telling from your picture :)
Quote from: Chloëjade on December 07, 2015, 01:38:41 AM
If you hadn't said you were born male i'd have a hard time telling from your picture :)
Really! That is actually awesome in a way! I tend to see the man still this is four months hormones not to brag :D
Amoray, your therapist is right that the quickest way to get over your marriage is to jump into living as your authentic self. How do you get over what you see in the mirror is a bit more difficult. It took me months of hormones to get over what I saw in the mirror until features, hair and the like started took right and natural. Being able to live be my authentic self and not have issues in public was the other huge portion of my accepting the girl in the mirror even though sometimes what I saw didn't always live up to the marine that I had in my mind. The softening of the features by hormones can do wonders there. You look very petty in the pic by the way. I couldn't imagine living any other way than my authentic self and I would do so again in a heartbeat. Hang in there, it does get better. Hugs
Mariah
Thank you Mariah, I just dressed up as myself and I plan on going out into public like this. What is making me mad she is taking me for granted that I want to transition but she still wants to leave me ??? I told her to leave me alone and let me be happy then. She want to live her life and do what she wants but is shooting me down for being trans and making the choice to live as my authentic self. I am forced into getting divorced but still she wants to control my choices also. >:(
Dear Amore;
It is always difficult for our friends and family to accept. I was involved with a very nice lady and now we are just platonic friends. While she is supportive, she still manages to twist the knife a little when she reminds me of how I stole our relationship with no thought to her feelings. If I had loved her she claims I could have kept myself bottled up inside. That sounds like your wife's position to a degree. She just does not understand that I couldn't fight with having two people inside of me any longer. No matter what, I just can't make her understand how I was inside even if she claims she understands.
You have a number of terrible choices to make. Live as a woman and risk losing everything. Live as a man and lose a lot of who you are. Not an enviable place my friend to be in. For me, I found that eventually I had to choose a path to follow and I took the one that I thought offered the least path of resistance. Turns out it was the hardest one but in retrospect, the only path I really could take.
You are very passable in my opinion. Wish I looked like you but I don't. Hmmm, isn't there another thread like that on here? (lol)
You say you say you were thinking of purging everything female. My advice is not to do it. Think of the cost of having to replace it and invariably you might have to do that. The cost would allow you to expand your wardrobe instead of just replacing it. If you must, put it in bags and stash it someplace until you know yourself better.
I wish you peace inside and luck. Stay with your therapist, ask questions here, listen to your heart. We have been where you are it's just the answer I found may not fit your situation as each of us is different yet we are the same.
Love,
Clare
I actually had another breakdown last night I am fighting with being two people inside. Last night I just wanted to die I wanted to end all the suffering all the pain. My wife does not want me anymore and I love her so much to the point of obsession.
I want to stay a man for her and bottle it up and she doesn't want me. She says my brain is stronger and I am going to break down in 5 years and she haven't got the energy for it. I am begging her to give me a chance to proof myself if there is one person I wil sacrifice anything for it is my wife. Last night I tried to commit suicide because I don't want to live without them I can't see life without them. I drove on the highway today and I stopped next the road and contemplated walking in front of a truck and just end the suffering. I called the suicide hotline and try to pull myself out of it.
I really just want to end it all. I want to stop suffering for being trans lose my mind. It feels like I am living hell on earth at this stage!
Would it surprise you i've been circling the toilet bowl since a bad flush 10 years ago? I broke up with my girl friend who i loved to death. She'd know for years i was a cross dresser and she was never "All right with it". Hell i still love her to death. And i am suicidal about it and my life being in the closet about my gender every day. But i refuse to end it. I want to be me and to hell with every one else. She even says she's okay with now, which don't explain why she shouts in walmart about what i want her to get me or why she's tried to break my stuff :). I do hope you find your inner strength and make it through hun, i really do. The world would be a sadder place with out you
Amoré-
Please don't harm yourself - what you are going through - although it is heart wrenching and awful - is survivable. There is a better life on the other side I promise.
Where you are now is smack in the middle, and thats the worst place to be. I can tell from what you wrote that you are vacillating back and forth between living as the old you and living as the authentic you - thats the authentic you fighting to emerge and live.
It sounds very much as if you are a transsexual - if so, the gender dysphoria will only get worse and worse. Many of us have been down this same road, holding on to a life thats not real, trying to be a certain someone to somebody. Some of us can live that way but most can't - I think judging from what you have said that if you continue to "hold the line" it will eventually wipe you out.
Your wife does not and cannot understand this - she doesn't have the condition and it seems foreign and strange to her. This is a condition that you were born with - you did not choose this - it is a birth defect, a medical condition that requires treatment. Like any other medical condition that is left untreated it will only get worse. The treatment for this condition is to realign the body with the brain.
I feel your pain of trying to hold it all together - I was married for 27 years to my soulmate, but my ex could not deal with the authentic me and in spite of me trying to hold it all together she split. Your wife knows about the authentic you and try as you might that genie is not going back into the bottle. She knows enough about the authentic you that her perception of you is different than it was before and it will continue to be different. She is reacting to her own pain by lashing out at you.
You have an advantage of already looking like any average girl on the street right now with the short amount of time that you have been on HRT. That will only help your transition.
Don't throw away your stuff - if necessary put it away. Getting rid of your stuff won't fix how you are feeling. This is very a common thing within the community and most regret doing it later.
What you are going through is scary and is full of unknowns. As you said - you haven't yet gotten to a point of accepting the girl in the mirror. She is the authentic you. Please work with your therapist to find the way forward, and try not to fear what lies ahead for you. Yes, it will be hard and challenging, but you can and will get through this.
Speaking as someone that has made a large part of the journey - living an authentic life and shedding the old life's baggage is simply wonderful and IMO it's worth the price of admission. It won't fix all of the problems in your life but it will fix the big one and will allow you to move forward in life.
As far as friends and family go - some people will make the journey with you and some will choose not to - you can't control that. You will find that being an authentic you will draw new friends to you - it did for me.
And we are here for you if you need to vent or ask questions :)
I threw my stuff out. On several occasions. All to be with someone I loved. And I promised myself, each and every time I did it, that that was it. I wasn't going to be 'Thomas' anymore. I was going to be and act like a 'normal' person. And in the end, it was a promise that I couldn't keep. I don't know, maybe you'll be able to do it. I couldn't. And I did think about killing myself, tried it even, made plans to succeed the following time, and I'm glad that I didn't. I'm with someone now who accepts me for me, and doesn't make any demands that I change for her, or suppress who I really am for her. I hope everything works out for you, one way or another, but don't lose the chance at a better future by giving up.
I don't know this is my first true love of my life. I had the episode as a teenager and saw a therapist that said it was just a phase. I bottled it from there when I met her and I told her that I got identity issues but she denies it today. She sayd she wanted me to be a man and I did not want to. I fighted my authentic self of and bottled her after coming out a year back but she poked out her head time and again especially when times got tough and I stressed a lot then I battled to keep her at bay.
I don't know if I can keep that part of me bottled my wife says it is too strong and it will consume me. I haven't got a choice anymore because she want to divorce and I want to rescue the marriage. It just feels if I can't life without her. She was the one that kept me at bay with gd and depression all this time.
Amore. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything right for you, even at sacrificing myself but I can't as much as I want to.
I know just the pain you feel inside. I was in pretty much the same place with 2 genders fighting in my head. There are many others here in your shoes too. My friend, right now it does look very dark and the roads ahead is so uncertain but eventually, you will find a way to be happy.
I feel your wife is correct. Sooner or later these feelings will come back. Mine did. I had them bottled up for ages and eventually they won out. I wonder at times if I had the direct influence of a woman in my life I might be different today but somehow I doubt it. Maybe not now but sometime in the future again and then where would I be?
Enough of me. It's you who is important here.
Stay with your therapist. Maybe your wife and you can go together? I know the feelings of not being able to survive without the other in your life. Lord knows I've been there many times myself and broke my heart to bits over a woman. It feels like it won't ever heal but it does. Maybe not as good but it does heal, trust me.
Right now I feel you are in a very vulnerable position. Listen to what the people on here say. They have some excellent advice, far better than what I can offer.
Life will go on, Amore. It will seem like hell and no bones about it, but you are a valuable person to us here and we care. Don't develop a tunnel vision when you get down. There are a lot of resources available to you.
Sometimes when you do surrender to your inner self, all the problems seem to be easier. I found that out. It hasn't been easy but I couldn't see myself living like I was again.
Love,
Clare
Hi Amore. If someone told me that you are male I wouldn't believe them. I love your avatar. I know the feeling of having two people inside. It was quite a battle for a year. When I had to choose I knew that I wasn't going to go back. Moving ahead is scary because you're going to unchartered waters. My wife was shocked :o when I told her that I'm was a cross dresser. It took a lot of time and patience but now she supports me 100%.
I'm sorry about your marriage. Living in limbo is pure hell also. You have to do what will make you happy plus improve the quality of your life. Yes, there will rough patches but that part of the growth you will experience. I wish you the best in the future. Please keep us posted on your progress.
Remember, you're not alone.
:)
Quote from: TG CLare on December 09, 2015, 12:46:42 PM
I feel your wife is correct. Sooner or later these feelings will come back.
This is what happened she gave me a chance about 2 months ago I left my hormones and as soon as the hormones started working out of my system gender dysphoria hit hard. I was broken for giving up being a woman and not being able to transition I handled it very stupid and sat crying for 3 days she said she have not got time for this crap anymore and I am just going to lose my mind in the future.
I am stopping my hrt from today again to see if the same thing is going to happen when everything is returning to normal in my system and my natural hormones take over.
I just don't know I want to be a certain person for her because I love her that much I will change myself for her and give up everything!
I just don't know how to get over the anger and hurt and feeling betrayed.
I can imagine she feels hurt anger and betrayed also but is divorce the answer.
I feel lost without her and feel if no one else will be able to give me what we had together. I wish dysphoria never entered my life. It is only making me miserable. It is making me so majorly depressed and I am only able to see my therapist on monday. I don't know how I am going to last that long without breaking down again. If I could choose I would kill of my transgender identity.
Hi Amore:
It's Rachel again here . . . I'm keeping up with your posts. Plus, as I try to always say here, keep talking to us.
I've nothing to add that hasn't been covered, except to say many of us have been down the path you are on. Many, many of us now have lives we love and live them fully. You can have that too; it takes time and there are bumps in the road, some big ones but you can get past this.
One thing to add . . . it probably is a bad idea to play with HRT. Given who you are, perhaps you ought to get on your meds and stay on them . . . it's your life but just saying.
Take care and I think of you often,
Rachel
I don't think you have to beat yourself up so much. I'm sort of just starting out with all of this, but the changes I've been making have felt good. But I know for certain that I am not ready for a full transition or if I ever will be. I think that it's okay for you to want or feel like a man some days and a woman others... Maybe you're a little bit of both. Don't put yourself in a box. Be what is most comfortable for your self at any given time. Just know that when you're true to yourself is when you'll feel the best in your own skin. I've haven't come out to anyone but my girlfriend, who has been very supportive, so I'm unfamiliar with the loss of friends and family, but I know it may come at some point. Just know that it seems like you have a lot of people here who know what you're going through. I know I tried to convince myself for years I had to be the strong man society told me I was supposed to be, and I am not starting to realize that's not the case. Just because you don't feel strong in every single moment, doesn't mean you're weak. We all have good and bad days, months even years. You'll find your true self in time.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
That's a wonderful picture! I wish I was more like that!
If your wife wants a divorce, she will find a reason to justify that divorce whatever you do. She will make herself right and you wrong, but in the end, it may still end up at the same place. That is what happened to me. I was emotionally dependent upon my wife and we had 5 kids. I lived for the family, but she lived for herself. I kept myself bottled up, moved over a thousand miles from my birth family for her to find work. She took that attitude that our life together was crap and everything that I did for the family and her out of my love for them, I really didn't have to. The family had to be in her image, and the rest of us really didn't count. If your wife, loves you, and your family is a shared effort you will work something out. However if your marriage is all about your wife, or all about you it will just fall apart anyway even if you return to your butch self. You are either partners in life or you are not.
Quote from: michelle on December 10, 2015, 06:53:38 PM
If your wife wants a divorce, she will find a reason to justify that divorce whatever you do. She will make herself right and you wrong, but in the end, it may still end up at the same place.
This is a thing that is happening to me at this moment no matter what I try she keeps on finding reasons to justify her divorce. She keeps bringing up things from the past and that when she wanted me to stay a man I did not want to. I was at a really bad place with gd at that stage I know it is a bad excuse but it was sort of at a peak.
I can't say anything then I am trying to brainwash her. She told me she is now living for herself and her child that is my child also and that they don't need me. I am only a bad influence on the house and that the house is unstable with me in it.
Normally we where a team but from that she went to her therapist she started drifting away from me she became selfish and started living only for herself. What sort of therapist destroys a marriage? I wanted to live for her stay a man for her and want to be a father for my child and be a family. I love them to bits but today I am sitting with a broken heart because she is not giving me that option anymore. Then she want to come and ask why if I live for myself do I want to be a woman?
I can't understand this if you are telling me you are living for yourself now and you don't need me to be happy why do you tell me I am selfish if I transition? This is contradictory in so many ways! Is she not the selfish one then expecting me to stay unhappy for the rest of my life then if she took away the only other thing that I lived for that made me happy? Is she not selfish for not thinking about her me and what I would like to give her. Then she is bullying me into staying a man making me feel guilty for transitioning because what emotional effect it will have on them.
Believe me and I think it will be the case for everyone here we would not do it if we did not have to. If I must be selfish and live for myself then why am I not allowed to transition then and be happy? I am getting suicidal because of the person that I love taking away what I used to live for and then being selfish for being the authentic me so I can't please anybody no matter what I do. I am very bad in doing things for myself I am a care taker and people pleaser :-\
Last night I was sitting in my old house that we used to stay in and I was drunk the house was empty no furniture as the people that rented moved out.I am not a drinker. This was the house that I came out in and it is the house that we fought for nights at end. But all the happy memories is hanging in there also. I just wanted to kill of the pain. I just wanted to end it all. I am sorry guys for being so honest. I am going through hell at this stage and my depression is killing me :embarrassed: I don't know how I am going to live without them they are my world.I am scared of myself at this stage.
I want to thank you guys for all your support it is good to know I have friends that understand me and what I am going through.
When I first clicked on your post Amoray, I thought female, just from your avatar. And then I read that you're only 4 months into HRT and I got really jealous. But only for a moment. I know it is rough going through this divorce. I also agree with the others when they say the GD will just come back. We can fight it down for a bit. And then it comes back. Stronger each time. I finally gave in. I am happy now living as me.
Please do not hurt yourself. Suicide only ends the pain for us. At the same time it causes great pain for those that we leave behind. http://www.translifeline.org/ is staffed by trans people, for trans people. They have toll free numbers for the USA and Canada. US: (877) 565-8860 Canada: (877) 330-6366 Make the call. Don't hurt yourself. Way too many transgender people opt out and we really need to bring those numbers down. Help us do that please. *hugs*
Quote from: MemphisMickey on December 11, 2015, 01:48:48 AM
They have toll free numbers for the USA and Canada. US: (877) 565-8860 Canada: (877) 330-6366 Make the call.
I wish I was in the USA or Canada I am from South Africa unfortunately :'(
Dear Amore'
I have been following your posts and I do worry about you.
There is a point where everything is just so damn hard. Our family rejects us. Our loved ones reject us. And the pain is overbearing.
We have so much to lose and sometimes that loss seems insurmountable.
We feel we have hurt so may; how can we?
We don't deserve to live; lets end it.
I'll never be accepted as me.
When we look at those points they seem so overwhelming; how can anyone argue?
Well we can. I can and I shall.
I was at your point about four years ago.
I was a rather ugly very depressed grey haired old man, with a wife who had suffered a devastating accident, totally paralysed, a job I couldn't lose (I had to pay her nursing home fees) and friendless.
Suicidal and depressed. Drinking heavily and nothing to live for but pain.
Somehow and with help from here I kept going and transitioned.
In front of the carers at the nursing home I transitioned, still visiting my wife every day I could. I kept going at work and my sheer resolve turned people.
No one dared face my pain. No one could put themselves where I was. It made me strong.
I had friends suicide.
Their pain hadn't gone; they transferred it to me.
How could they do that to me?
How could you possibly hurt your family here in that way?
We would light a candle and remember you; but the candle is inside us and burns, searing our hearts.
You would do that to us?
Your problems are not insurmountable; yes, your path is hard. Your choices are hard.
But you have a lot going for you. You are young, intelligent, loved. Wanted.
I think it is time we put away our negative thoughts and reached for the positive.
You are a lovely young woman, who needs some help to deal with her options.
Your option is life and how to deal with it.
And you can.
And you will be happy.
Cindy
Quote from: Cindy on December 11, 2015, 03:00:41 AM
Dear Amore'
There is a point where everything is just so damn hard. Our family rejects us. Our loved ones reject us. And the pain is overbearing.
We have so much to lose and sometimes that loss seems insurmountable.
We feel we have hurt so may; how can we?
We don't deserve to live; lets end it.
I wish I could find an easier way out of the hole that I am in now. I am trying to look for positive things in my life. I am trying to see the good in transitioning except for calming the noise down. I still have to learn to know the real me. How can I replace them in my life by being my authentic self. It hurts like nothing I ever felt before losing them. I don't know how I am going to let go.
I will never hurt them in my life I feel sometimes that they deserve better than me. That I could not give them enough of myself because I had to keep so much bottled up. I was so afraid of showing affection towards my own child at a stage because of the image of what I created that men are hard and crap.
I think maybe I would have felt different about being trans if I did not have them. I would not have had this struggle and just wanted to bring the authentic me to life be the girl that I felt I am.
I would not have lived as a man and created a life as one and lived as one and then hit a hard reset with all the pain. I am just going through the baddest dip that I had ever in my life.
Are you hurting them, or are you hurting you?
Whose pain is important? Who is it important too?
You have issues about moving forward because you don't want to leave the past.
The past has gone. That is why it is called the past.
I'm so sorry but there is a way forward.
It is being you.
Quote from: Cindy on December 11, 2015, 05:46:40 AM
Are you hurting them, or are you hurting you?
Whose pain is important? Who is it important too?
My wife felt that I hurt her too much by choosing to be trans and wanted to be a woman. Now she does not want to give me anymore chances. She says I am only going to hurt them more with my depression and gd. She does not accept it she does not accept being in a relationship with a trans person. She have known me 10 years now I don't feel good enough.
I am basically living for them and at this stage I am hurting for them because they haven't lost me they just don't want to be with me. She looks if she feels nothing for me she is cold.
I am not good with thinking and living for myself. I caused her a lot of pain because she knows about my suicide attempts. She saw my breakdowns and what I went through with gd.
I am just battling to get over the guilt because I know a lot of it is my own fault. I can't blame anybody else but myself really for losing them.
Give yourself a bit of slack, most trans people try to make do with what we're given and build the lives we can without accepting ourselves because of the rampant transphobia in the world.
Here's a few things that I think you should consider:
If you can't love and accept yourself, people may follow your example. The easy way to shift this is to take care of and respect yourself, and be with the people who follow your lead and respect you as well.
Your wife was most likely attracted to your femininity, because it was wrapped in a masculine package. Whether or not she's a little gay, there are women that seek feminine men. Being yourself isn't selfish, she picked you, and being trans isn't a choice.
Equality is an issue, and it's going to be up to you to make sure to assert yourself in the face of ignorance.
Being trans isn't easy, but it doesn't mean you can't be happy either.
There are 3.5 billion women in the world, you will be able to find love again.
Divorces suck, but it will free you from a relationship that is drowning you with disapproval. Do everything you can to ensure you financial well being, and make sure to protect your rights to be a part of your child's life.
Love doesn't always work out, but you will survive.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from Katie's iPad using Tapatalk
Quote from: Obfuskatie on December 11, 2015, 07:05:54 AM
Your wife was most likely attracted to your femininity, because it was wrapped in a masculine package. Whether or not she's a little gay, there are women that seek feminine men. Being yourself isn't selfish, she picked you, and being trans isn't a choice.
This is the funny thing she normally was attracted to to my female attributes that I was sensitive not scared to show emotions I did not do what other men did. I spended all my time on my family.
Transgender is not a choice by all means I wish it was like my therapist said they can't make it go away because it is not a psychological problem else they would have a solution.
My wife was harsh and sayd I did not want to stay a man for her but I was not on the right meds and only got diagnosed with clinical depression a couple of months later. I am on better meds now and feel that I wil be able to cope better with the stresses that dysphoria brings.
Hey guys I don't know what to do anymore my head is buzzing I did not drink. But with everything! I miss my girls I don't know how I am going to make it another weekend without them.My head is planning my suicide every second of the day and just thinking end it, end it end all, the pain is going to end fast. She is telling me I'm not the man that she married but she is killing him of. A part of me just wants to go back to being that man being with my family and be happy.
I can't move on and I can't be with her. She does not want me. I just want to kill of al the pain and do it as quickly as possible. I don't know what to do. You guys gave me great advice but I am so damn depressed I can't see a future :(
There is most certainly a future. It hurts so bad right now, but there will be better days. It truly sucks that your wife is acting this way, and has put this much pressure on you... But how can she expect you to be something if you are not? It's not fair for her to say you're not the man she married. Maybe she didn't marry a man. She just married you. You are you, whether male or female. It is out of your control if she can't accept you for who you are. I know the pain is the only thing that feels real, but know that we're all here to help you through this. Have faith in yourself, and that things will be okay! She's not making it easy for you, but you're not making it any easier by being so hard on yourself. Someday you will look back on the dark days and be surprised that you ever felt that way. It's not easy now, but you will be comfortable with who you are.
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It is a so much sad story. Amore is a beautiful name.
One way to forget the pain is to start a new work or activity by which you can be indulged in. In my case, I did some computer programming, which made me completely forget gender issues for a while. You may set your new goal in your life.
Take care,
barbie~~
Quote from: Amoré on December 11, 2015, 10:28:26 PM
Hey guys I don't know what to do anymore my head is buzzing I did not drink. But with everything! I miss my girls I don't know how I am going to make it another weekend without them.My head is planning my suicide every second of the day and just thinking end it, end it end all, the pain is going to end fast. She is telling me I'm not the man that she married but she is killing him of. A part of me just wants to go back to being that man being with my family and be happy.
I can't move on and I can't be with her. She does not want me. I just want to kill of al the pain and do it as quickly as possible. I don't know what to do. You guys gave me great advice but I am so damn depressed I can't see a future :(
Amore'
There is a suicide helpline and counsellors you can talk to here:
http://www.sadag.org
They are open 24 hours, contact them please.
You need a trained counsellor to talk to.
You are part of our family and I do not want you to hurt yourself.
You do not want your children to deal with their father suiciding. They can easily deal with the fact that their father is a woman. Even if their mother can't
Quote from: Cindy on December 12, 2015, 01:31:52 AM
You do not want your children to deal with their father suiciding. They can easily deal with the fact that their father is a woman. Even if their mother can't
You are right I got hold of my psychologist and she helped me pull through,I am an emotional wreck. I am glad to have family like you guys. I am trying to find reasons in becoming a woman that makes it better than the situation I am in now.
My psychologist said I am jumping around too much. I must then live as the male me for the next couple of weeks and go through the motions of life and see how I feel about it. Also if I can keep it all together because it feels if I can do it now and stay male but when my female part is coming and knocking at the door she is going to want to live again.
I hate being caught in between two genders it sucks and deciding which one you want to be.
Good girl.
I'm in South Australia so the time zones are not too bad. I'll be on for a few hours so if you need to talk just pm me.
Just one thing I shall say. About five years ago I made my plan to walk in front of a train and end it. I had a medical appointment and decided that if I couldn't get help that was it.
There was no way I could transition - way no way.
I transitioned. I was 58; no it wasn't easy, yes there were lots of tears but to be honest not one of my fears arose.
I'm now 62, I'm happy. I love my life.
You can be as well. And you will be.
I want to thank everyone for their advice and support. I really thought it was the end for me this morning but I pulled through.