I want to let my kidney disease progress itself so I will eventually have to die, without me having to really commit suicide. The thing is that I don't really want to die painfully. I want to be aided by pain medicine and management to make it easier, you know?
I'm so tired of getting "ma'amed" and "missed" to death. And even when I correct someone, politely, or even just ask them nicely to not call me those things, I am almost always met with a smart-aleckey remark or tone of voice. I mean, what is the big deal in me not wanting to be called ma'am or miss anyways? Why does everyone have to be so critical about it? I think even some cis women do not like to be called those things. I mean, we live in the 21st century and you mean to tell me you can't accept me for not wanting to be called ma'am or miss?
Well, if the people I am forced to interact with daily cannot accept me as being alive, then maybe they will accept me as being dead. Maybe when I am six feet under, I will finally have acceptance. :)
My plan is to have my trips to and from dialysis cancelled, not put on hold, and to stop the treatments altogether through an order from my nephrologist. She would also have to be the one to order hospice, which is what I want. While in my right mind, I would be sure that no family has any further contact or knowledge of me and my life-threatening condition. They aren't here for me now so why should they be around during my final hours/days?
I hope I pass away peacefully in my sleep like my Great Grandmother did, who also died from renal disease. I hope also, that my body will be cremated and scattered across The Pacific Ocean, because one of my biggest dreams was to travel to Japan for the anime and videogames and China for the pandas. :'( (And maybe a hot Japanese chick or two. Hee hee. :D).
I am so jealous and even hateful towards my siblings because they can really be who they are and get accepted at the same time....not me....not any of us here at Susan's, apparently....
I'm so sorry you are experiencing so much pain. Other than no longer existing, what would need to change in order for your pain to be at a more tolerable level?
Hi Autumn and thank you for replying.
You're right. The reason I want to end my life is because of the interpersonal pain I am overwhelmed by, once again, from gender dysphoria. What needs to change in order for my gender dysphoria to at least be alleviated would be whatever it is about me that makes people constantly misgender me. I would need to change my birth name and gender marker, get on hormones and surgery.
However, I am financially unstable and not in any position whatsoever to carryout any of these things/procedures. I'm not sure I can wait any longer either. I am ready to just call it quits, you know?
I think maybe you need to turn to the Lord to lean on. My whole life has been of pain, but the Lord has always been there.
Thanks Stephanie. I am glad The Lord has been there for you.
But The Lord has not been there for me. While I do like some of the uplifting scriptures in The Bible, I am by no means willing to be a Christian. There are too many contradictions in there. I am not trying to crush your tremendously wonderful faith, but how could you seriously be a follower of Christ when he doesn't accept things like homosexuality and "men not dressing in a manner pertaining to men nor women not dressing in a manner pertaining to women," and yet he is supposed to look at the heart and not appearance. That right there is very contradictory. Just because of that, I will have that removed from my signature at once and replaced with something from a more trustworthy source. Sorry for the confusion...
Everyone needs a crutch to help them through life, some like Stephanie have god, some use stimulants (not a good idea), some use sports, work, family, adventure and all sorts of stuff to cope.
Keeping yourself busy and believing in who you are at the same time ignoring the comments, teases, incorrect greeting etc. does help to get through.
I have broken all my appendages that hang off my body apart from my 2 heads (don't want to hurt them) I have had 8 physical repairing surgeries and have a few disfigured parts on me. One injury had me unable to work for 1 year and spent 4 months in hospital and 4 1/2 months in plaster. There have been many moments of pain either from these injuries or when my father walked out on my mother the day after their 28th wedding anniversary for the wife of a man who worked for us. My father and I were in business as a partnership and from here I was very angry for 12 months that nearly destroyed everything we had built.
Once I realised the anger was only ever going to harm me, I put the anger aside and started to work on being civil at the same time not forgiving him.
Being teased at school, ostracised at work and having a poor attitude in my late teens early 20's made life quite miserable for me. I did a 12 week Dale Carnegie course then went back 12 times to help. This gave me the tools to sort my attitude out and life has been much better since, not easy but better.
I am not trying to show my case is any worse or better but that we all have those horrible low points, but life is worth so much more than that.
I implore you to try and get the most out of who you are and what you can achieve and ignore as best you can the negative impacts.
I do hope with some time and small steps based on small goals you can achieve a balance with your dysphoria.
My thoughts are with you.
Sue
Quote from: King Phoenix on January 27, 2016, 06:21:10 PM
Hi Autumn and thank you for replying.
You're right. The reason I want to end my life is because of the interpersonal pain I am overwhelmed by, once again, from gender dysphoria. What needs to change in order for my gender dysphoria to at least be alleviated would be whatever it is about me that makes people constantly misgender me. I would need to change my birth name and gender marker, get on hormones and surgery.
However, I am financially unstable and not in any position whatsoever to carryout any of these things/procedures. I'm not sure I can wait any longer either. I am ready to just call it quits, you know?
The best advice I can give you is;
1) Continually strive towards long term goals
2) Continually strive towards short term goals
3) Except the things you can not change
To achieve the first objective, you should evaluate how you can fund your transition. Could you describe your financial situation?
To achieve the second objective, you should evaluate the things you can accomplish relatively soon, which will build towards your transition. What can you accomplish now that will make you happy?
To achieve the third objective, you should evaluate the things that make you upset, prioritize them, and then when you feel distress, remind yourself of the progress you are making towards something of higher priority. Could you write us a list of your priorities, in the order of urgency?
Hey,
As you can see from what I previously posted earlier I'm also finding everything so utterly pointless and difficult. But I have to keep going because I don't want to buried as the female I never was. If you did go anywhere I would miss you. I enjoy reading your posts and it's good to hear someone else going through hard times as well.
Quote from: King Phoenix on January 27, 2016, 06:56:16 PM
Thanks Stephanie. I am glad The Lord has been there for you.
But The Lord has not been there for me. While I do like some of the uplifting scriptures in The Bible, I am by no means willing to be a Christian. There are too many contradictions in there. I am not trying to crush your tremendously wonderful faith, but how could you seriously be a follower of Christ when he doesn't accept things like homosexuality and "men not dressing in a manner pertaining to men nor women not dressing in a manner pertaining to women," and yet he is supposed to look at the heart and not appearance. That right there is very contradictory. Just because of that, I will have that removed from my signature at once and replaced with something from a more trustworthy source. Sorry for the confusion...
I sorry I mean no disrespect , but I think your confusing the Lords words with the idiots that proclaim to speak for the Lord . Jesus only taught love no more no less . There is absolutely nothing from the New Testament that says Jesus said anything other than love. There are passages that the idiots try to use to say that Jesus was about division and hatred , but these are the passages Jesus use to proclaim the love of the Father is more important and on a far higher plane than the love od a family member which is still important , but no where near the love for the father. That's one thing that's so upsetting to me to distort the words of the Lord to pursue a personal agenda of misguided misinterpretation of the words of the New Testament . Jesus only and absolutely only spoke of loveof the father and love of each other no more , no less.
Quote from: SueNZ on January 27, 2016, 06:59:44 PM
Everyone needs a crutch to help them through life, some like Stephanie have god, some use stimulants (not a good idea), some use sports, work, family, adventure and all sorts of stuff to cope.
Keeping yourself busy and believing in who you are at the same time ignoring the comments, teases, incorrect greeting etc. does help to get through.
I have broken all my appendages that hang off my body apart from my 2 heads (don't want to hurt them) I have had 8 physical repairing surgeries and have a few disfigured parts on me. One injury had me unable to work for 1 year and spent 4 months in hospital and 4 1/2 months in plaster. There have been many moments of pain either from these injuries or when my father walked out on my mother the day after their 28th wedding anniversary for the wife of a man who worked for us. My father and I were in business as a partnership and from here I was very angry for 12 months that nearly destroyed everything we had built.
Once I realised the anger was only ever going to harm me, I put the anger aside and started to work on being civil at the same time not forgiving him.
Being teased at school, ostracised at work and having a poor attitude in my late teens early 20's made life quite miserable for me. I did a 12 week Dale Carnegie course then went back 12 times to help. This gave me the tools to sort my attitude out and life has been much better since, not easy but better.
I am not trying to show my case is any worse or better but that we all have those horrible low points, but life is worth so much more than that.
I implore you to try and get the most out of who you are and what you can achieve and ignore as best you can the negative impacts.
I do hope with some time and small steps based on small goals you can achieve a balance with your dysphoria.
My thoughts are with you.
Sue
Bless your heart, Sue. You've been through alot of hurt and I commend you for making it through. You're a great person and admire you for wanting to lift my spirits. Thanks. That helped me feel better. In fact, all of yor replies did. But once I sign off from here, I have to face the soulless, cold world again all by myself. But still, thank you. :)
Quote from: autumn08 on January 27, 2016, 07:00:06 PM
The best advice I can give you is;
1) Continually strive towards long term goals
2) Continually strive towards short term goals
3) Except the things you can not change
To achieve the first objective, you should evaluate how you can fund your transition. Could you describe your financial situation?
To achieve the second objective, you should evaluate the things you can accomplish relatively soon, which will build towards your transition. What can you accomplish now that will make you happy?
To achieve the third objective, you should evaluate the things that make you upset, prioritize them, and then when you feel distress, remind yourself of the progress you are making towards something of higher priority. Could you write us a list of your priorities, in the order of urgency?
These are awesome things for me to seriously sit down and consider, Autumn.
While I really do appreciate the time you took out of your schedule and type this all out on my behalf, I don't even care to think about these things anymore. I just don't even see the point in existing any longer. I never really seen the point to begin with. I mean, in the greater scheme of all things, who gives a coconut about whether or not I am on T and have facial hair or not? And yet, I guess if I really did feel this way, then I should be able not to care whether or not people "ma'am" and "miss" me to death until I explode with burning rage. But I do care for some reason. I hate that people can tell me who and what I am, but I have no say in the matter....
Quote from: Elis on January 27, 2016, 07:11:14 PM
Hey,
As you can see from what I previously posted earlier I'm also finding everything so utterly pointless and difficult. But I have to keep going because I don't want to buried as the female I never was. If you did go anywhere I would miss you. I enjoy reading your posts and it's good to hear someone else going through hard times as well.
Thank you, Elis. That means alot. I'm glad that you and I share similar views, among others here. :) In that regard, I'm not alone at least. I enjoy reading what you have to say too!^^
Quote from: stephaniec on January 27, 2016, 07:31:53 PM
I sorry I mean no disrespect , but I think your confusing the Lords words with the idiots that proclaim to speak for the Lord . Jesus only taught love no more no less . There is absolutely nothing from the New Testament that says Jesus said anything other than love. There are passages that the idiots try to use to say that Jesus was about division and hatred , but these are the passages Jesus use to proclaim the love of the Father is more important and on a far higher plane than the love od a family member which is still important , but no where near the love for the father. That's one thing that's so upsetting to me to distort the words of the Lord to pursue a personal agenda of misguided misinterpretation of the words of the New Testament . Jesus only and absolutely only spoke of loveof the father and love of each other no more , no less.
Again, thanks Stephanie.
I never felt any disrespect from you. Its just I am not a religious person and never will be. But thanks anyways. I don't get into religion and politics. They're all very pointless chatter...
Quote from: King Phoenix on January 27, 2016, 07:51:22 PM
Again, thanks Stephanie.
I never felt any disrespect from you. Its just I am not a religious person and never will be. But thanks anyways. I don't get into religion and politics. They're all very pointless chatter...
I don't get into the garbage either. Jesus is my only truth.
But when it all boils down to the egg, that is all he is, "a truth," not "a fact." But I am glad he helped you.
Quote from: King Phoenix on January 27, 2016, 08:27:08 PM
But when it all boils down to the egg, that is all he is, "a truth," not "a fact." But I am glad he helped you.
sorry to disagree, but Jesus is a fact why would any human being that you would of ever encountered in real life write about the absolute love that another human had for all others if not true. What person on this planet could willingly go out of their way and devote their life to the love of all others with absolutely no conditions attached except to love the father of us all. Sounds quite ludicrous if not real. Have you ever met anyone in your life that had that kind of unconditional love for you and all others expecting absolutely nothing in return exect to love God. Ludicrous .
Stephanie. I am really sorry I offend you. But that's the issue here. When people actually question reality and The Bible does not provide the facts of life we are looking for, they get chewed out and told that how they feel is "ludicrous." You have a right to what you believe and I do mine. I do not have to believe in Jesus.
I can very well believe in the Easter Bunny if I wanted. Your belief is not my fact. It might be for someone else and that's fine, I don't like to tamper with other's beliefs in things. But he is not mine. I mean, for some people its Buddha and Shiva or something. Culture plays a big role too. So you telling me my beliefs are ludicrous really do hurt and just reinforce my nihilism and cynicism, so thank you.
Quote from: King Phoenix on January 27, 2016, 09:03:59 PM
Stephanie. I am really sorry I offend you. But that's the issue here. When people actually question reality and The Bible does not provide the facts of life we are looking for, they get chewed out and told that how they feel is "ludicrous." You have a right to what you believe and I do mine. I do not have to believe in Jesus.
I can very well believe in the Easter Bunny if I wanted. Your belief is not my fact. It might be for someone else and that's fine, I don't like to tamper with other's beliefs in things. But he is not mine. I mean, for some people its Buddha and Shiva or something. Culture plays a big role too. So you telling me my beliefs are ludicrous really do hurt and just reinforce my nihilism and cynicism, so thank you.
nobodies denying anyone rights to believe whatever they want, I just find it ludicrous in my own view that when someone talks about a person whos only concern is love that people seem to dismiss that such a person could actually have existed.
Quote from: stephaniec on January 27, 2016, 09:22:52 PM
nobodies denying anyone rights to believe whatever they want, I just find it ludicrous in my own view that when someone talks about a person whos only concern is love that people seem to dismiss that such a person could actually have existed.
Ok. Stephanie. I'm sorry I don't believe. But this is getting way off topic and at this point I would not blame a mod for shutting this down right now. This is why I avoid topics like this. Seriously....
I can't tell you things will get better for you. Life is deeply unfair to trans people, and has a way of kicking in our teeth when we least expect it or when we're already down. I can tell you this though, the only way it even can get better is if you keep living. Death isn't an escape or peace... it's nothing, quite literally, the end of sensation and experience. There is no improvement in death, no possibility of greater happiness, that only comes with life.
You're in the dark places right now. Weeds and brambles, and it can be hard to see anywhere past that dark place. You can only see the darkness, and it seems like it stretches on for eternity. It doesn't. Again, I can't promise there isn't darkness waiting down the road in your life, even a worse darkness than this, but there is almost certainly a possibility for light. There's a great lyric from Avenue Q that I think on when I'm in the worst places in my life. "Everything in life is only for now." The bad and the good are in life, and each only lasts for a while. Survive the bad to get back to and savor the good.
The world, with a few exceptions, isn't going to be kind to you. It isn't going to give you the recognition that you want and deserve without a fight... without fights. You won't always win those fights, sometimes the world won't budge, but you can always stand proud knowing that you fought for what should be yours. And I think a lot of people will budge, it's in their nature to bow before someone of strength and conviction.
I can't tell you what to do, can't force you to soldier on... but I think it's important. It's important because it's the only way you might get some measure of peace in your life. It's important because trans people are a family, bonded by common trait. Each person you stand up to and make recognize who you are is another bramble or weed removed from the path of all the trans people that will come after you.
...And, even if you feel you can't soldier on, know that you're a hero. By being who you are, by refusing to live solely in a closet, even if the world bled you dry for it, you have changed peoples lives for the better, and will continue to do so as long as your words live on this site and your presence is felt in the world. I hope you will continue on, seek the resources that aim to pull you out of this darkness, and continue to change the world.
Quote from: Tamika Olivia on January 27, 2016, 09:43:24 PM
I can't tell you things will get better for you. Life is deeply unfair to trans people, and has a way of kicking in our teeth when we least expect it or when we're already down. I can tell you this though, the only way it even can get better is if you keep living. Death isn't an escape or peace... it's nothing, quite literally, the end of sensation and experience. There is no improvement in death, no possibility of greater happiness, that only comes with life.
You're in the dark places right now. Weeds and brambles, and it can be hard to see anywhere past that dark place. You can only see the darkness, and it seems like it stretches on for eternity. It doesn't. Again, I can't promise there isn't darkness waiting down the road in your life, even a worse darkness than this, but there is almost certainly a possibility for light. There's a great lyric from Avenue Q that I think on when I'm in the worst places in my life. "Everything in life is only for now." The bad and the good are in life, and each only lasts for a while. Survive the bad to get back to and savor the good.
The world, with a few exceptions, isn't going to be kind to you. It isn't going to give you the recognition that you want and deserve without a fight... without fights. You won't always win those fights, sometimes the world won't budge, but you can always stand proud knowing that you fought for what should be yours. And I think a lot of people will budge, it's in their nature to bow before someone of strength and conviction.
I can't tell you what to do, can't force you to soldier on... but I think it's important. It's important because it's the only way you might get some measure of peace in your life. It's important because trans people are a family, bonded by common trait. Each person you stand up to and make recognize who you are is another bramble or weed removed from the path of all the trans people that will come after you.
...And, even if you feel you can't soldier on, know that you're a hero. By being who you are, by refusing to live solely in a closet, even if the world bled you dry for it, you have changed peoples lives for the better, and will continue to do so as long as your words live on this site and your presence is felt in the world. I hope you will continue on, seek the resources that aim to pull you out of this darkness, and continue to change the world.
That was very impressive. Thank you for these kind words. They mean alot. But we are all going to die one day anyway, so why not right now? What difference does it make if I die right here at this keyboard on my laptop or fifty-five years from now? In the end, we will all be dead and there's no way around it. But at least if I am dead, the pain will stop completely in my absence. :)
That was very impressive. Thank you for these kind words. They mean alot. But we are all going to die one day anyway, so why not right now? What difference does it make if I die right here at this keyboard on my laptop or fifty-five years from now? In the end, we will all be dead and there's no way around it. But at least if I am dead, the pain will stop completely in my absence
I'm not religious, but I have a gospel. Gospel according to Joss Whedon.
"If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do, because that's all there is."
Cosmically, I'm in accord with you. By the time the universe slides into heat death, nothing will have mattered. Humans don't live in cosmic time though, we don't and the people around us don't. All of us live in human time, and human time can be changed and improved by your continued existence. You have the potential to make your life better, to make the lives of those you meet better, and I think that's beautiful. You listen to music or play games, Phoenix? I do. Each is a transitory experience, and each ends and eventually fades into oblivion. The fact that something ends and fades doesn't make it any less beautiful or meaningful in the moments it's experienced.
If it doesn't matter cosmically, if your life will have the same lasting impact if it ends today or in 60 years, why not shoot for the latter? At least that way you might hear a few good songs or play a few good games along the way. You may even change a few more lives for the better, even your own.
Quote from: King Phoenix on January 27, 2016, 07:44:44 PM
These are awesome things for me to seriously sit down and consider, Autumn.
While I really do appreciate the time you took out of your schedule and type this all out on my behalf, I don't even care to think about these things anymore. I just don't even see the point in existing any longer. I never really seen the point to begin with. I mean, in the greater scheme of all things, who gives a coconut about whether or not I am on T and have facial hair or not? And yet, I guess if I really did feel this way, then I should be able not to care whether or not people "ma'am" and "miss" me to death until I explode with burning rage. But I do care for some reason. I hate that people can tell me who and what I am, but I have no say in the matter....
Why should we bother to live?
All of our valuations of the world are selfish, meaningless, and relative, but we can not escape from making them; therefore, everyone has threshold which if crossed they will experience more pleasure than pain, and a preference for life over death.
My prior post's suggestions are burdensome, but they are worthy exercises to perform, because they will help you navigate during the dark the moments. Unfortunately, we will always experience dark moments, because feeling content with absolute constancy is impossible, but fortunately the relative nature of our actions causes us to set limitations. Therefore, it is possible to feel content in a greater number of situations.
You are very important to us, so please don't give up! Please tell us more about your situation, so we can try to help you.
To Tamika:
Thank you so much! You're words really moved me. I thought about what you, Stephanie, Autumn, Elis and Sue all said.
I feel like your words really speak to me. And to answer your question, yes, I play videogames and listen to some music too. I don't just listen to music, I also write song lyrics and poetry to help me through hard times.
I don't really mean the things I say when I fall into darkness. You are absolutely right about how we get a warped sense of self, others and the world when trapped in the jaws of depression. But with time, I honestly will feel better and have to come out of it because I am still here and to remain in this apathetic mode too long will only bring me more trouble to my current living situation than previously. Yes. As long as I am still here I must press forward, preserve and survive until my end, but not because I gave up but because I survived. I might as well go forward and live because I am already existing.
If things really have no point, then I should not care whether or not someone is staring at me or ma'aming me nonstop. Because in the greater scheme of all things, none of that crap even matters. This cosmic time you speak of is so far above us beyond our reach that it is laughable of me to make this much of a fuss over being seen as female, something that has been happening since birth and has suddenly distorted its image in my mind as an inescapable death. Ha! That's absolute rubbish! :D Why? Because even though it definitely hurts (emotionally), the words themselves will never end my life. I must press forward, too, because I won't know what I can achieve if I give up. Yes. There are videogames I haven't played that I would love to play and defeat. New technology I would love to experience. See history be made. I don't know what else the future could hold for me. Maybe I'll find my true soul mate and best friend 40 years from now. I don't know. But one thing is for certain; I won't know if I am dead, will I? So, because I am alive, I choose to keep it that way! :) That isn't to say I won't have more dark moments like this again. But the key in making it through it is time and hope. At least for me, that is how I made it through and will have to time and time again.
To Stephanie:
Again, I am really sorry I offended you. I know we all cannot get along and see eye to eye because we are all different personalities. But your faith is so touching. Your faith is what keeps you here and believe it or not, I do admire and respect that, very dearly. Also, believe it or not, while I am not religious, I do like many of the scriptures and I do believe that Jesus Christ could have possibly existed even under a different name. I don't know with certainty. What I do know is that he exists for you and for you, that is all that really matters and I realize now that is acceptance from your truth. And that is all you need to survive. So yes, I greatly admire you for your undying faith. Keep it up, Stephanie! :D
To Autumn:
Hello friend and thank you, always for your generous words and lending a hand.
You want to know more about my situation? Nothing much more could be said other than I am unemployed and am almost 100% dependent on a person who really does not care about my gender dysphoria and keeps referring to me incorrectly. This person would be my dad, obviously. I have no friends, personally, or any family I know of who could take me in temporarily away from my dad until I can get myself together and live on my own. I fill out at least one job application online for part-time work every day, and have been doing so for at least a year now with a couple of months of inactive search. I was going to volunteer at a hospital to make my resume look better but screwed that up over the holidays from being admitted into the hospital for suicide attempt and ideations. Yesterday, all I could remember are the conversations I had where I was "ma'amed" like its my name and that I ended up not going to a doctor's appointment I had got up early and ready for simply because he moved his office without ever telling me prior to the appointment via phone call. So I was internally at my boiling point by this point. Then I returned home to make some adjustments to my event calendar only to recall that wednesday is trash day and my dad did not leave it out like he usually does because he was on vacation with his wife for her birthday. So what happened next? The trash man never came back to get the trash and now we are stuck with this old trash until next wednesday and its no one's fault but mine....according to my dad, who will constantly remind me and belittle me with this fact alone and go backwards into pointless past matters until the trash is picked up next week and hopefully it will be. So I am outraged when dad returned and already started to complain as soon as he enters the house without so much as a "hello." I just turned my back, walked briskly into my room and quietly closed my door and locked it. I went into my closet, but unlike all the other times, I couldn't sob and cry. Like I had no motivation for it after years of doing so previously once I reach my boiling point.
Eventually I had enough and looked into hospice once again, like I do when things get ugly. But that ain't seemed to be workin' out, so I just laid down and went to sleep until I couldn't sleep no more and got up to play some Monster Hunter on my PSP. And it wasn't until I started playing that, that I began to feel better again. Not only did it get my mind off of more pressing matters that I have no control over, but it made me re-evaluate my situation alot more clearly than before. So now here I am......So now you know a little bit more about my situation like you asked, Autumn.
But I really need to go now, everyone, and prepare for dialysis. I sure hope my transportation will still get me and that my social worker did not actually call this off! ;D
Take care...
Dear King:
I just wanted to let you know I still read and follow you - not that it's a big deal that I do so. I get your rhythms and situation to extent that is possible for me to do.
You've had some great support here and you've needed it. I'm not sure what I can add to the dialog here, but that doesn't mean I'm not interested or care. I do.
Keep on keeping on, as I'm sure you are making a huge difference for many here that look to you and see your courage and depth of humanness.
Take care,
Rachel
All the love and support in this thread is so amazing to see. Yes Phoenix the times get tough but we have to remember in these moments that if you're at your darkest it can only get brighter.
I absolutely HATE being sirred or called things like "my man" just man or dude are fine because I myself call everyone that regardless of gender but sir in particular drives me nuts. My uncle (who I came out to recently) called me sir the other day and it took every fiber of my being not to shout at the top of my lungs and tell him off. I realized he's still there for me, that I could let it slide this time and the confrontation wasn't worth it at that time.
At this time I prefer to just internalize it and let it pass. I have no desire to do hormones or surgery or anything and fall on the non-binary spectrum so I have come to the realization I will never "pass" and that's not important to me, just to feel like I am living my own truth. Due to this, I know that I will be misgendered for the rest of my life, but you know what? Screw it! Call me he, call me she, call me they, call me a damn unicorn for all I care. I guess I'm all of the above [emoji13] my point is as long as you see yourself how you want to and live for yourself that's all that matters at the end of the day. Those that truly care about you will be there for you and eventually get the pronouns and such right ( I hope), and if not you are still HE or whatever you want to be! Stay strong and reach out here when you need it! A whole lot of love floating around this place! Here's so inspiration for you Angel Haze is sick. They identify as agender and go by they/ them pronouns. None of the lyrics directly relate to being transgender but they are super inspirational to me for people in our shoes, or anyone at all really struggling with depression and so on. Let's hear your battle cry!
http://youtu.be/QvvRNPOJPH0
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Here's something I truly believe and live by. I hope it helps you.
When you break down a human being.
What makes them tick? What makes them be?
Are we really any different?
Take a look at all the people you see and study them.
What do you see?
The answer is simple.
When you break down society's silly etiquettes, shear away the lies of ignorance and politics.
What we're left with is a common goal.
Like the animals of this world we merely strive to survive.
But unlike regular animals we have the ability to think and reason.
When survival became simple we lost our touch with other animals and nature.
We learned surviving was easy if we stole the fruits of another, we became lazy.
So we made rules that became law.
Yet the laws were biased in the favor of those making them.
We made politicians to help us make the rules fair, and for a short time it worked.
But as before they too became corrupt in their greed and starting taking from the labor of those that support them.
The politicians and those under them needed balance.
Society promised to answer this by handling the needs of the majority.
The majority was able to live with these new pressures because it was all from their making.
Then there was the minority. The outcast from the majority.
Society exhausted it's energy beating the minority to conform like the rest.
Politicians ignore their cries and anguish, since they are fueled by the majority.
Some minorities that can bend try to, and some succeed, or they try to hide being different.
Those that cannot bend continue to take the wrath of everyone. They have no protection.
You see, the majority wants happiness, just as much as the minority.
However in that quest it tramples the happiness of the rest. Since the forces opposing the minority are large. Life is a challenge.
However,
Along the way everybody forgot what it meant to live.
Society said it was for a great purpose. That everything had meaning.
Politicians absorbed with power, didn't care one way or another.
The majority wasn't effected because all of these forces revolve around them anyway.
But those left out were left to a life of loneliness, sadness, hate, and discrimination.
The purpose of life is to live it. It is to survive all odds even if nothing more then to spite the world when the world is turned against you.
I do not need society to comfort me at night.
I will stand either alone or united against the onslaught of politicians who evade my conviction.
I accept myself, even if society can't.
I will live this life given to me.
By living without regard to society, without regard to the majority of people that surround me, without the politicians laws to protect me...
I will be an individual.
I will find my happiness without the crutches that the majority rely on and laugh at their ignorance.
I will thrive on what I've accomplished without the help of a narrow minded society.
So long as the world bears down on me, I will be me.
For no laws, no thought, no person..
Could ever make me change.
The world will never keep me down,
Nymph :icon_chick:
I'm glad your last update was much more positive :) I saw your thread and wanted to chime in with my thoughts.
If you've totally detached from your family emotionally and are finding no need to remain attached to them, why stay where you are? If death is preferable to staying, than surely leaving and moving away is an option at this point. There are treatments available to prolong and improve your life elsewhere in the US. You would be able to access HRT elsewhere in the US. You are only as stuck as you let yourself be.
I'd have a conversation with your therapist and let them know that you're feeling this way. At the very least, they could help you come up with a plan to get out of this situation and the rut that you are in. It sounds like your environment has gotten the best of you, but it is not like that everywhere. There are good places with good people. The world is changing, and you should be here to see it.
Stephanie and I are fairly in line religiously. Beyond anything else that they do, I believe that pain and struggle reveal purpose. I don't think God made a mistake in making me transgender. My journey has made me better able to relate to, encourage, and support other trans people who are in need of those things in their life. It has made me able to speak outside of our community to address our treatment and place in the world. None of this would have been possible if I hadn't been made this way.
I spent a very long time cynical. It got me nowhere but angry. I pray that you find clarity, the answers to your questions, and the means to move forward my friend.
I know it can be frustrating and that their misgendering you at the clinic really hurts. I get that. We all do. In early 2015 i went in for a kidney stone removal procedure. I had to remove my wig and all the short comings of my hair situation were on full display. The breast pads had to go since the bra did too. Leaving me much closer to flat chested, and of course without makeup what facial hair I had left could still be seen. I was on full display inside the area where I was being prepped for the procedure. The anesthesiologist messed up on my gender and frankly didn't show any sign that he cared that he did. I corrected him, but that didn't change anything. It ticked me off royally at the time. It's unfortunate but people tend to judge things based on what they see and when we are not allowed or have to remove certain things for treatments it makes things more difficult because makes those things we are having issues with even more out there and it results in us getting misgendered as a result. Before throwing in the town on everything, I would talk to your nephrologist and the the place in charge of your dialysis and the them how you feel. In need be, I would bring someone with you that can advocate for you to explain why it is so important for your own health that they gender and treat you properly. I wish you the best of luck. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: King Phoenix on January 28, 2016, 06:31:58 AM
To Autumn:
Hello friend and thank you, always for your generous words and lending a hand.
You want to know more about my situation? Nothing much more could be said other than I am unemployed and am almost 100% dependent on a person who really does not care about my gender dysphoria and keeps referring to me incorrectly. This person would be my dad, obviously. I have no friends, personally, or any family I know of who could take me in temporarily away from my dad until I can get myself together and live on my own. I fill out at least one job application online for part-time work every day, and have been doing so for at least a year now with a couple of months of inactive search. I was going to volunteer at a hospital to make my resume look better but screwed that up over the holidays from being admitted into the hospital for suicide attempt and ideations. Yesterday, all I could remember are the conversations I had where I was "ma'amed" like its my name and that I ended up not going to a doctor's appointment I had got up early and ready for simply because he moved his office without ever telling me prior to the appointment via phone call. So I was internally at my boiling point by this point. Then I returned home to make some adjustments to my event calendar only to recall that wednesday is trash day and my dad did not leave it out like he usually does because he was on vacation with his wife for her birthday. So what happened next? The trash man never came back to get the trash and now we are stuck with this old trash until next wednesday and its no one's fault but mine....according to my dad, who will constantly remind me and belittle me with this fact alone and go backwards into pointless past matters until the trash is picked up next week and hopefully it will be. So I am outraged when dad returned and already started to complain as soon as he enters the house without so much as a "hello." I just turned my back, walked briskly into my room and quietly closed my door and locked it. I went into my closet, but unlike all the other times, I couldn't sob and cry. Like I had no motivation for it after years of doing so previously once I reach my boiling point.
Eventually I had enough and looked into hospice once again, like I do when things get ugly. But that ain't seemed to be workin' out, so I just laid down and went to sleep until I couldn't sleep no more and got up to play some Monster Hunter on my PSP. And it wasn't until I started playing that, that I began to feel better again. Not only did it get my mind off of more pressing matters that I have no control over, but it made me re-evaluate my situation alot more clearly than before. So now here I am......So now you know a little bit more about my situation like you asked, Autumn.
But I really need to go now, everyone, and prepare for dialysis. I sure hope my transportation will still get me and that my social worker did not actually call this off! ;D
Take care...
I'm very happy to know you are feeling better, Phoenix, and I hope you were able to receive dialysis.
Thank you for sharing for more information about yourself, and if you are willing to, I would love to continue this conversation.
Could you answer the following question;
1) Where did you apply for work?
2) What is your work experience?
3) What is your education level?
4) What is your ideal career?
5) Other than HRT and surgery, what else would bring you happiness?
6) Other than your father and being misgendered, what else regularly upsets you?
Of course, you do not need to answer every question, or even any of my questions, but regardless, I hope we will hear from you soon, friend. :)
I'm glad you feel better , that darkness can get bad.