I Don't Know What Else To Do Or Where Else To Turn...

[Tristyn]

I want to let my kidney disease progress itself so I will eventually have to die, without me having to really commit suicide. The thing is that I don't really want to die painfully. I want to be aided by pain medicine and management to make it easier, you know?

I'm so tired of getting "ma'amed" and "missed" to death. And even when I correct someone, politely, or even just ask them nicely to not call me those things, I am almost always met with a smart-aleckey remark or tone of voice. I mean, what is the big deal in me not wanting to be called ma'am or miss anyways? Why does everyone have to be so critical about it? I think even some cis women do not like to be called those things. I mean, we live in the 21st century and you mean to tell me you can't accept me for not wanting to be called ma'am or miss?

Well, if the people I am forced to interact with daily cannot accept me as being alive, then maybe they will accept me as being dead. Maybe when I am six feet under, I will finally have acceptance.

My plan is to have my trips to and from dialysis cancelled, not put on hold, and to stop the treatments altogether through an order from my nephrologist. She would also have to be the one to order hospice, which is what I want. While in my right mind, I would be sure that no family has any further contact or knowledge of me and my life-threatening condition. They aren't here for me now so why should they be around during my final hours/days?

I hope I pass away peacefully in my sleep like my Great Grandmother did, who also died from renal disease. I hope also, that my body will be cremated and scattered across The Pacific Ocean, because one of my biggest dreams was to travel to Japan for the anime and videogames and China for the pandas. (And maybe a hot Japanese chick or two. Hee hee. ).

I am so jealous and even hateful towards my siblings because they can really be who they are and get accepted at the same time....not me....not any of us here at Susan's, apparently....

[autumn08]

I'm so sorry you are experiencing so much pain. Other than no longer existing, what would need to change in order for your pain to be at a more tolerable level?

[Tristyn]

Hi Autumn and thank you for replying.

You're right. The reason I want to end my life is because of the interpersonal pain I am overwhelmed by, once again, from gender dysphoria. What needs to change in order for my gender dysphoria to at least be alleviated would be whatever it is about me that makes people constantly misgender me. I would need to change my birth name and gender marker, get on hormones and surgery.

However, I am financially unstable and not in any position whatsoever to carryout any of these things/procedures. I'm not sure I can wait any longer either. I am ready to just call it quits, you know?

[stephaniec]

I think maybe you need to turn to the Lord to lean on. My whole life has been of pain, but the Lord has always been there.

[Tristyn]

Thanks Stephanie. I am glad The Lord has been there for you.

But The Lord has not been there for me. While I do like some of the uplifting scriptures in The Bible, I am by no means willing to be a Christian. There are too many contradictions in there. I am not trying to crush your tremendously wonderful faith, but how could you seriously be a follower of Christ when he doesn't accept things like homosexuality and "men not dressing in a manner pertaining to men nor women not dressing in a manner pertaining to women," and yet he is supposed to look at the heart and not appearance. That right there is very contradictory. Just because of that, I will have that removed from my signature at once and replaced with something from a more trustworthy source. Sorry for the confusion...

[SueNZ]

Everyone needs a crutch to help them through life, some like Stephanie have god, some use stimulants (not a good idea), some use sports, work, family, adventure and all sorts of stuff to cope.
Keeping yourself busy and believing in who you are at the same time ignoring the comments, teases, incorrect greeting etc. does help to get through.
I have broken all my appendages that hang off my body apart from my 2 heads (don't want to hurt them) I have had 8 physical repairing surgeries and have a few disfigured parts on me. One injury had me unable to work for 1 year and spent 4 months in hospital and 4 1/2 months in plaster. There have been many moments of pain either from these injuries or when my father walked out on my mother the day after their 28th wedding anniversary for the wife of a man who worked for us. My father and I were in business as a partnership and from here I was very angry for 12 months that nearly destroyed everything we had built.
Once I realised the anger was only ever going to harm me, I put the anger aside and started to work on being civil at the same time not forgiving him.
Being teased at school, ostracised at work and having a poor attitude in my late teens early 20's made life quite miserable for me. I did a 12 week Dale Carnegie course then went back 12 times to help. This gave me the tools to sort my attitude out and life has been much better since, not easy but better.
I am not trying to show my case is any worse or better but that we all have those horrible low points, but life is worth so much more than that.
I implore you to try and get the most out of who you are and what you can achieve and ignore as best you can the negative impacts.
I do hope with some time and small steps based on small goals you can achieve a balance with your dysphoria.

My thoughts are with you.

Sue

[autumn08]

Hi Autumn and thank you for replying.

You're right. The reason I want to end my life is because of the interpersonal pain I am overwhelmed by, once again, from gender dysphoria. What needs to change in order for my gender dysphoria to at least be alleviated would be whatever it is about me that makes people constantly misgender me. I would need to change my birth name and gender marker, get on hormones and surgery.

However, I am financially unstable and not in any position whatsoever to carryout any of these things/procedures. I'm not sure I can wait any longer either. I am ready to just call it quits, you know?

The best advice I can give you is;

1) Continually strive towards long term goals
2) Continually strive towards short term goals
3) Except the things you can not change

To achieve the first objective, you should evaluate how you can fund your transition. Could you describe your financial situation?

To achieve the second objective, you should evaluate the things you can accomplish relatively soon, which will build towards your transition. What can you accomplish now that will make you happy?

To achieve the third objective, you should evaluate the things that make you upset, prioritize them, and then when you feel distress, remind yourself of the progress you are making towards something of higher priority. Could you write us a list of your priorities, in the order of urgency?

[Elis]

Hey,

As you can see from what I previously posted earlier I'm also finding everything so utterly pointless and difficult. But I have to keep going because I don't want to buried as the female I never was. If you did go anywhere I would miss you. I enjoy reading your posts and it's good to hear someone else going through hard times as well.

[stephaniec]

Thanks Stephanie. I am glad The Lord has been there for you.

But The Lord has not been there for me. While I do like some of the uplifting scriptures in The Bible, I am by no means willing to be a Christian. There are too many contradictions in there. I am not trying to crush your tremendously wonderful faith, but how could you seriously be a follower of Christ when he doesn't accept things like homosexuality and "men not dressing in a manner pertaining to men nor women not dressing in a manner pertaining to women," and yet he is supposed to look at the heart and not appearance. That right there is very contradictory. Just because of that, I will have that removed from my signature at once and replaced with something from a more trustworthy source. Sorry for the confusion...

I sorry I mean no disrespect , but I think your confusing the Lords words with the idiots that proclaim to speak for the Lord . Jesus only taught love no more no less . There is absolutely nothing from the New Testament that says Jesus said anything other than love. There  are passages that the idiots try to use to say that Jesus was about division and hatred , but these are the passages Jesus use to proclaim the love of the Father is more important and on a far higher plane than the love od a family member which is still important , but no where near the love for the father. That's one thing that's so upsetting to me to distort the words of the Lord to pursue a personal agenda of misguided misinterpretation  of the words of the New Testament . Jesus only and absolutely only spoke of loveof the father and love of each other no more , no less.

[Tristyn]

Everyone needs a crutch to help them through life, some like Stephanie have god, some use stimulants (not a good idea), some use sports, work, family, adventure and all sorts of stuff to cope.
Keeping yourself busy and believing in who you are at the same time ignoring the comments, teases, incorrect greeting etc. does help to get through.
I have broken all my appendages that hang off my body apart from my 2 heads (don't want to hurt them) I have had 8 physical repairing surgeries and have a few disfigured parts on me. One injury had me unable to work for 1 year and spent 4 months in hospital and 4 1/2 months in plaster. There have been many moments of pain either from these injuries or when my father walked out on my mother the day after their 28th wedding anniversary for the wife of a man who worked for us. My father and I were in business as a partnership and from here I was very angry for 12 months that nearly destroyed everything we had built.
Once I realised the anger was only ever going to harm me, I put the anger aside and started to work on being civil at the same time not forgiving him.
Being teased at school, ostracised at work and having a poor attitude in my late teens early 20's made life quite miserable for me. I did a 12 week Dale Carnegie course then went back 12 times to help. This gave me the tools to sort my attitude out and life has been much better since, not easy but better.
I am not trying to show my case is any worse or better but that we all have those horrible low points, but life is worth so much more than that.
I implore you to try and get the most out of who you are and what you can achieve and ignore as best you can the negative impacts.
I do hope with some time and small steps based on small goals you can achieve a balance with your dysphoria.

My thoughts are with you.

Sue

Bless your heart, Sue. You've been through alot of hurt and I commend you for making it through. You're a great person and admire you for wanting to lift my spirits. Thanks. That helped me feel better. In fact, all of yor replies did. But once I sign off from here, I have to face the soulless, cold world again all by myself. But still, thank you.

The best advice I can give you is;

1) Continually strive towards long term goals
2) Continually strive towards short term goals
3) Except the things you can not change

To achieve the first objective, you should evaluate how you can fund your transition. Could you describe your financial situation?

To achieve the second objective, you should evaluate the things you can accomplish relatively soon, which will build towards your transition. What can you accomplish now that will make you happy?

To achieve the third objective, you should evaluate the things that make you upset, prioritize them, and then when you feel distress, remind yourself of the progress you are making towards something of higher priority. Could you write us a list of your priorities, in the order of urgency?

These are awesome things for me to seriously sit down and consider, Autumn.

While I really do appreciate the time you took out of your schedule and type this all out on my behalf, I don't even care to think about these things anymore. I just don't even see the point in existing any longer. I never really seen the point to begin with. I mean, in the greater scheme of all things, who gives a coconut about whether or not I am on T and have facial hair or not? And yet, I guess if I really did feel this way, then I should be able not to care whether or not people "ma'am" and "miss" me to death until I explode with burning rage. But I do care for some reason. I hate that people can tell me who and what I am, but I have no say in the matter....

Hey,

As you can see from what I previously posted earlier I'm also finding everything so utterly pointless and difficult. But I have to keep going because I don't want to buried as the female I never was. If you did go anywhere I would miss you. I enjoy reading your posts and it's good to hear someone else going through hard times as well.

Thank you, Elis. That means alot. I'm glad that you and I share similar views, among others here. In that regard, I'm not alone at least. I enjoy reading what you have to say too!^^

[Tristyn]

I sorry I mean no disrespect , but I think your confusing the Lords words with the idiots that proclaim to speak for the Lord . Jesus only taught love no more no less . There is absolutely nothing from the New Testament that says Jesus said anything other than love. There  are passages that the idiots try to use to say that Jesus was about division and hatred , but these are the passages Jesus use to proclaim the love of the Father is more important and on a far higher plane than the love od a family member which is still important , but no where near the love for the father. That's one thing that's so upsetting to me to distort the words of the Lord to pursue a personal agenda of misguided misinterpretation  of the words of the New Testament . Jesus only and absolutely only spoke of loveof the father and love of each other no more , no less.

Again, thanks Stephanie.

I never felt any disrespect from you. Its just I am not a religious person and never will be. But thanks anyways. I don't get into religion and politics. They're all very pointless chatter...

[stephaniec]

Again, thanks Stephanie.

I never felt any disrespect from you. Its just I am not a religious person and never will be. But thanks anyways. I don't get into religion and politics. They're all very pointless chatter...

I don't get into the garbage either. Jesus is my only truth.

[Tristyn]

But when it all boils down to the egg, that is all he is, "a truth," not "a fact." But I am glad he helped you.

[stephaniec]

But when it all boils down to the egg, that is all he is, "a truth," not "a fact." But I am glad he helped you.

sorry to disagree, but Jesus is a fact why would any human being that you would of ever encountered in real life write about the absolute love that another human had for all others if not true. What person on this planet could willingly go out of their way and devote their life to the love of all others with absolutely no conditions attached except to love the father of us all. Sounds quite ludicrous if not real. Have you ever met anyone in your life that had that kind of unconditional love for you and all others expecting absolutely nothing in return exect to love God. Ludicrous .

[Tristyn]

Stephanie. I am really sorry I offend you. But that's the issue here. When people actually question reality and The Bible does not provide the facts of life we are looking for, they get chewed out and told that how they feel is "ludicrous." You have a right to what you believe and I do mine. I do not have to believe in Jesus.

I can very well believe in the Easter Bunny if I wanted. Your belief is not my fact. It might be for someone else and that's fine, I don't like to tamper with other's beliefs in things. But he is not mine. I mean, for some people its Buddha and Shiva or something. Culture plays a big role too. So you telling me my beliefs are ludicrous really do hurt and just reinforce my nihilism and cynicism, so thank you.

[stephaniec]

Stephanie. I am really sorry I offend you. But that's the issue here. When people actually question reality and The Bible does not provide the facts of life we are looking for, they get chewed out and told that how they feel is "ludicrous." You have a right to what you believe and I do mine. I do not have to believe in Jesus.

I can very well believe in the Easter Bunny if I wanted. Your belief is not my fact. It might be for someone else and that's fine, I don't like to tamper with other's beliefs in things. But he is not mine. I mean, for some people its Buddha and Shiva or something. Culture plays a big role too. So you telling me my beliefs are ludicrous really do hurt and just reinforce my nihilism and cynicism, so thank you.

nobodies denying anyone rights to believe whatever they want, I just find it ludicrous in my own view that when someone talks about a person whos only concern is love that people seem to dismiss that such a person could actually have existed.

[Tristyn]

nobodies denying anyone rights to believe whatever they want, I just find it ludicrous in my own view that when someone talks about a person whos only concern is love that people seem to dismiss that such a person could actually have existed.

Ok. Stephanie. I'm sorry I don't believe. But this is getting way off topic and at this point I would not blame a mod for shutting this down right now. This is why I avoid topics like this. Seriously....

[Tamika Olivia]

I can't tell you things will get better for you. Life is deeply unfair to trans people, and has a way of kicking in our teeth when we least expect it or when we're already down. I can tell you this though, the only way it even can get better is if you keep living. Death isn't an escape or peace... it's nothing, quite literally, the end of sensation and experience. There is no improvement in death, no possibility of greater happiness, that only comes with life.

You're in the dark places right now. Weeds and brambles, and it can be hard to see anywhere past that dark place. You can only see the darkness, and it seems like it stretches on for eternity. It doesn't. Again, I can't promise there isn't darkness waiting down the road in your life, even a worse darkness than this, but there is almost certainly a possibility for light. There's a great lyric from Avenue Q that I think on when I'm in the worst places in my life. "Everything in life is only for now." The bad and the good are in life, and each only lasts for a while. Survive the bad to get back to and savor the good.

The world, with a few exceptions, isn't going to be kind to you. It isn't going to give you the recognition that you want and deserve without a fight... without fights. You won't always win those fights, sometimes the world won't budge, but you can always stand proud knowing that you fought for what should be yours. And I think a lot of people will budge, it's in their nature to bow before someone of strength and conviction.

I can't tell you what to do, can't force you to soldier on... but I think it's important. It's important because it's the only way you might get some measure of peace in your life. It's important because trans people are a family, bonded by common trait. Each person you stand up to and make recognize who you are is another bramble or weed removed from the path of all the trans people that will come after you.

...And, even if you feel you can't soldier on, know that you're a hero. By being who you are, by refusing to live solely in a closet, even if the world bled you dry for it, you have changed peoples lives for the better, and will continue to do so as long as your words live on this site and your presence is felt in the world. I hope you will continue on, seek the resources that aim to pull you out of this darkness, and continue to change the world.

[Tristyn]

I can't tell you things will get better for you. Life is deeply unfair to trans people, and has a way of kicking in our teeth when we least expect it or when we're already down. I can tell you this though, the only way it even can get better is if you keep living. Death isn't an escape or peace... it's nothing, quite literally, the end of sensation and experience. There is no improvement in death, no possibility of greater happiness, that only comes with life.

You're in the dark places right now. Weeds and brambles, and it can be hard to see anywhere past that dark place. You can only see the darkness, and it seems like it stretches on for eternity. It doesn't. Again, I can't promise there isn't darkness waiting down the road in your life, even a worse darkness than this, but there is almost certainly a possibility for light. There's a great lyric from Avenue Q that I think on when I'm in the worst places in my life. "Everything in life is only for now." The bad and the good are in life, and each only lasts for a while. Survive the bad to get back to and savor the good.

The world, with a few exceptions, isn't going to be kind to you. It isn't going to give you the recognition that you want and deserve without a fight... without fights. You won't always win those fights, sometimes the world won't budge, but you can always stand proud knowing that you fought for what should be yours. And I think a lot of people will budge, it's in their nature to bow before someone of strength and conviction.

I can't tell you what to do, can't force you to soldier on... but I think it's important. It's important because it's the only way you might get some measure of peace in your life. It's important because trans people are a family, bonded by common trait. Each person you stand up to and make recognize who you are is another bramble or weed removed from the path of all the trans people that will come after you.

...And, even if you feel you can't soldier on, know that you're a hero. By being who you are, by refusing to live solely in a closet, even if the world bled you dry for it, you have changed peoples lives for the better, and will continue to do so as long as your words live on this site and your presence is felt in the world. I hope you will continue on, seek the resources that aim to pull you out of this darkness, and continue to change the world.

That was very impressive. Thank you for these kind words. They mean alot. But we are all going to die one day anyway, so why not right now? What difference does it make if I die right here at this keyboard on my laptop or fifty-five years from now? In the end, we will all be dead and there's no way around it. But at least if I am dead, the pain will stop completely in my absence.

[Tamika Olivia]

That was very impressive. Thank you for these kind words. They mean alot. But we are all going to die one day anyway, so why not right now? What difference does it make if I die right here at this keyboard on my laptop or fifty-five years from now? In the end, we will all be dead and there's no way around it. But at least if I am dead, the pain will stop completely in my absence

I'm not religious, but I have a gospel. Gospel according to Joss Whedon.

"If nothing we do matters, then all that matters is what we do, because that's all there is."

Cosmically, I'm in accord with you. By the time the universe slides into heat death, nothing will have mattered. Humans don't live in cosmic time though, we don't and the people around us don't. All of us live in human time, and human time can be changed and improved by your continued existence. You have the potential to make your life better, to make the lives of those you meet better, and I think that's beautiful. You listen to music or play games, Phoenix? I do. Each is a transitory experience, and each ends and eventually fades into oblivion. The fact that something ends and fades doesn't make it any less beautiful or meaningful in the moments it's experienced.

If it doesn't matter cosmically, if your life will have the same lasting impact if it ends today or in 60 years, why not shoot for the latter? At least that way you might hear a few good songs or play a few good games along the way. You may even change a few more lives for the better, even your own.