Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi!

My main concern right now is about my boyfriend but before I get to that I would like to explain my life situation.

Typing this I'm now 18 years old, 19 in 20-ish days.

I never thought I was any different from anyone else.
I'm transsexual. I knew concretely who I was from about age 7 even though it was noticeable before that.

I got bullied in primary school for having mostly female friends, I got called a female name as a way to be mean to me because I had mostly female friends - even some adults called me that. Then when I moved in 4th grade I still got bullied in that way, but another name - and instead of just having female friends, I just didn't have friends.

From age 7 to 17 I had bad adrenal chords because of the stress caused by the transsexualism. I slept about 14 hours each day, I had daily problems with nausea and diarrhea. I'm not 100% certain if all of it were symptoms of bad adrenals or caused by something else. I had a school attendance of like 15%.

I first started going to doctors because of my transsexualism at age 10/11, but they just checked me for a ton of different mental diseases, which I apparently didn't have. They seemed to do those tests because they didn't really know what to do. I quit going to the doctors about this at age 12 and lied about my transsexualism having "passed" because they didn't help me.

Attending secondary school I started to (the little time I was at school) adjust to societies expectations of me (because by my experience at the time - if you don't you'll get bullied and hit) I controlled how I carried bags, walked, talked, laughed, moved my arms.. you get the point. If you ever feel like having a very masculine way of walking imitating a gorilla is pretty accurate.  Not really, but almost.

Then my life took a positive turn for once, I started getting medical treatment as soon as I turned 18. It still wasn't too late to get good results as I stopped growing at about age 13. I took a year off of any education so I didn't have to confront society whilst going through the process. I got estrogen, testosterone blockers and other medications I needed; And with help of my parents I surgically privately altered some facial bones and vocal chords.

I started school August that year (I have birthday in February). I still didn't look 100% "female" because estrogen does a lot, it moves around fats, makes the pelvis wider and some other bone changes if you're young enough (like it did for me), makes breasts develop obviously - but it takes time. And more than anything (especially during a puberty caused by them) it makes your mood generally unstable and often really crappy.

I moved about 4 hours (with car) away from where my parents lived for that school year. I got some study grants, loans and I rented an apartment. School went Ok even though I still struggled with social anxiety. The anxiety got better as I felt and looked better.

I had the first relationship in my life with a guy that was extremely tall and slim. I traveled to London together with him for a week (for some botox injections on my vocal chords to help rest the voice after surgery) one week after first meeting him, I did that  because my mother threatened to join if I didn't find someone else to, which is the main reason I started to date him in the first place. 
During that week it we went along for about 3 days and then.. I'm sure we both were on the edge of fantasizing about killing each other.

He started complaining about that I didn't like any activities that didn't involve spending money - I just wanted to go shopping and to the theater to see musicals whilst he was more interested in museums and sights (which is something I really don't want to join).

That relationship didn't really last very long. The three last days during my stay in London I didn't sleep in the hotel just to avoid him. I had told him to stay away from me, so I actually went around London on my own (using the subway and the GPS on my phone because I really don't own a sense of direction). I found some London chat on the internet, and from there I met two random guys (kisses, cuddles, expensive wines and free food. Yay! Which is something I actually also got from the guy I had to ditch. I didn't mention my past to the guys I dated in London.)

A few months after that trip London to I found the guy who's my current boyfriend, we live together occasionally.
He's actually a muslim that's grown up in Egypt! He loves me. The only times I see him cry is when I'm sad or I cry. He's a bit homophobic, but he likes me. I was open with before we got together him, I actually explained science behind transsexualism, and my past. I think something that matters a lot to him (even though he hasn't mentioned it) is that my past isn't common knowledge so it doesn't have any social consequences for him, so his family and friends don't have to know. He's about 10 years older than me (because I have a preference for a bit older guys).

My concerns about him is that he gets mad at me if I raise my voice or just softly jokingly slap him (which is made him slap my arm once which really hurt, he's about three times stronger than me.) because it's a disgrace to be raised voice at / hit by women in his culture.

Sometimes if I'm mad at him and I try to go sleep somewhere else to get away, he physically drags me back to bed. If I say no to have sex with him he almost ignores it unless I'm really consistent.
To top it he once had sex with me when I really didn't want to - he held me down so I couldn't move, and I said no about 50 times. That incident almost made him lose me. He was extremely sad about it.

Even after that when he gets mad at me he says loudly to himself that "you shouldn't hit women" the thought that he actually thinks about hitting me really scares me. He hit my arm once so I don't know what could happen if he just loses it like he did when he raped me. I'm scared. But I REALLY want the relationship to work. I love him. He loves me. I don't doubt it. I just don't know what to do.

Must be Nice, I wish I had a bf to do all that lovey dovey stuff with. Unfortunately I can't find a guy who wants anything more than a sexual relationship. Consider urself lucky but sorry bout the whole rape incident.

personally I would of said goodbye

I would have said goodbye as well.  I've heard this before with cis women.  Rarely does it turn out well. 

If it happens again, you should probably leave. 

I'm sorry to say that....

Hugs,

Jen

Wow, I've gotta say what you're talking about sounds a lot like me in my early to mid 20s, pre-transition.  Most people would have considered me gay at that time, though inwardly I felt female.  You're a lot farther along in transition now than I was then, though I often crossdressed and dated and had sex with men at that time.

Looking back, I accepted a lot of things that I now think were abusive.  Guys sometimes slapped or struck me, and once I was seriously beaten by a drunk guy.  I often felt coerced into sex that I wouldn't have chosen to engage in.  I was raped once.

Since then I have transitioned pretty completely to female, and a lot has changed about my outlook.  Looking back on when this stuff was happening to me, a lot of my behavior was caused by low self-esteem.  Like everybody, I wanted to feel loved and desired.  But at the time I felt like I was some kind of pervert or freak who didn't deserve it.  I also really wanted sex, as much because I was seeking personal validation as because of straightforward desire.  This made me a target of guys who really took advantage of me at the time.  I used to feel pathetically grateful that a man would ask me out, or spend money on me.  That felt like I was being valued, when it often just meant that I was being bought.

Gender transition was a big step in the right direction for me.  I made peace with my female self and let her take over.  Today, I would never put up with the same kind of abuse from a man.  I'm still physically attracted to men and love having sex with them.  But I've turned out to be pretty independent person.  I can take guys or leave them.  I don't let them get inside my head, and I don't let them push me around.

Looking at what you've written through the eyes of my 25-year-old self, I'd say, "life is tough, but that's just how it is."  Looking at it as my 34-year-old fully female self, I see all sorts of red flags in what you have written.

I'm concerned that he slapped you.  But the fact that he forced you to have sex when you told him "no" is a giant red flag in this relationship.  I understand that he felt bad about it afterwards.  But that doesn't make it any better.  Abusive relationships often settle into a repeating cycle: tension, violence, repentance, "honeymoon," tension, violence . . . over and over again.  Cis-women experience this just like we may.  The cycle usually doesn't get better.  Often, it gets worse as it repeats over and over.  Too often it ends up with a woman (whether cis- or trans- makes no difference) dead at the hands of an abusive lover/husband.

You're still young and have a long life ahead of you.  As time goes by, the hormones will further feminize you and your increasing experience presenting as female will give you increasing confidence in your command of the female role.  Time is on your side.  You're going to become more comfortable in your female skin and therefore more attractive as time moves forward.

I say that, because I fear that you may be staying with this guy because you worry that he's the best you'll ever get, and that if you leave him there may not be anybody else.  But he's not the best you'll get.  Don't sell yourself short.

Hi @itsApril . Thank you for your response!

I look okey now, much more than I did a while ago. I look female. That's not a problem.

I stay with him because I love him.

You have your own life to live and obviously you are free to do what you want. Take no offense please , but a lot of woman who say they stay with someone because they love them end up in the hospital or worse.

Quote from: Angélique LaCava on January 29, 2016, 02:36:26 PM
Must be Nice, I wish I had a bf to do all that lovey dovey stuff with. Unfortunately I can't find a guy who wants anything more than a sexual relationship. Consider urself lucky but sorry bout the whole rape incident.

Why did I had the same thought???????????


We need to get out here lol!!! nothing in the french quarter lol

RUN !!!! Run fast run far. don't care what this jerk tells you he doesn't love you. honestly this is the kind of "relationship" were YOU end up DEAD. did I already say RUN.......

Quote from: lostcharlie on January 29, 2016, 08:53:59 PM
RUN !!!! Run fast run far. don't care what this jerk tells you he doesn't love you. honestly this is the kind of "relationship" were YOU end up DEAD. did I already say RUN.......

I don't know, if I ever appear sad it's like a physical pain for him.
He literally gives me everything.

The problem is his culture sometimes.

If your being abused it's not going to stop.

Quote from: stephaniec on January 30, 2016, 01:01:53 AM
If your being abused it's not going to stop.

I talked to some specialist on the field, and they thought - in my case it might help to try to improve communication so he better understands what hurts me.

He is not going to change. If I was you I would wait til he's elsewhere and flee, I would never allow anyone too do that to me period,if they tried they would die a horrible death. I may be trans but that doesn't mean I'm weak.

Mod edit: keep the Muslim bashing to yourself.

Quote from: cheryl reeves on January 30, 2016, 01:33:53 AM
He is not going to change. If I was you I would wait til he's elsewhere and flee, I would never allow anyone too do that to me period,if they tried they would die a horrible death. I may be trans but that doesn't mean I'm weak.

Mod edit: keep the Muslim bashing to yourself.

Usually he treats me very well and gives me everything.

Quit making excuses for this jerks behavior. It's not cultural. Don't care if he's usually nice to you. Don't care if he gives you everything. You are describing the behavior of serial killers and men who murder their wife of girlfriend and throws their cut up body parts along the highway. How do I know this you ask ? I had a previous career in the criminal justice system and dealt with these butchers everyday. If you stay with this dude you WILL be abused and raped on a regular basis and one day you will do something that triggers him and YOU WILL END UP DEAD!

But I Love him. 


I am sure you think you do. In my past life as an emergency EMS responder, I heard those words from an untold number of battered, beaten, bruised (and even more severely injured) women twice, three or more times. These women were young and old, highly educated and not so much, wealthy and poor. 

If you are at all in fear of another incident, do yourself a favor and contact the nearest battered women's center for information, help and solace. You deserve better than to live in fear of another outburst.

Susan

Welcome to Susan's Place. My roommate of 30 years had a temper much like that. Much of it was caused by her living with being transsexual but some of it was from her family. We were not emotionally close and I had my own space when an outburst occurred. In addition, I was emotionally strong enough to deal with it. It took years for her to gain control over the temper and the deal breaker would have been if she ever struck me as she was far stronger than I was.

You should very carefully evaluate this relationship because unless he starts to make a real effort to control the outburst, both your physical and mental health are at risk. The homes for battered women are full of women who loved their boy friend/husband and stayed with them through this type of treatment before it broke them.

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Quote from: Dena on January 30, 2016, 11:28:57 AM
Welcome to Susan's Place. My roommate of 30 years had a temper much like that. Much of it was caused by her living with being transsexual but some of it was from her family. We were not emotionally close and I had my own space when an outburst occurred. In addition, I was emotionally strong enough to deal with it. It took years for her to gain control over the temper and the deal breaker would have been if she ever struck me as she was far stronger than I was.

You should very carefully evaluate this relationship because unless he starts to make a real effort to control the outburst, both your physical and mental health are at risk. The homes for battered women are full of women who loved their boy friend/husband and stayed with them through this type of treatment before it broke them.

It's not like violent outbursts, it's just something that happened and most of the time we go very well along. I've been talking to him, and I try to improve our communication so he understands how things are for me. He's very sorry about hurting me and it won't happen again.
Some aspects of the way he treats me is something he culturally or religiously believes in, and if he believes in them he defends his beliefs. If he realizes what he did was wrong he apologizes.

so not to sound cruel or uncaring , what your saying that if God is telling him to abuse you it's ok you can deal with it, I don't know the person so I reaslly can't say what's going on , but to say he won't doing again and is sorry is the typical behavior of an abuser.

Quote from: stephaniec on January 30, 2016, 01:09:09 PM
so not to sound cruel or uncaring , what your saying that if God is telling him to abuse you it's ok you can deal with it, I don't know the person so I reaslly can't say what's going on , but to say he won't doing again and is sorry is the typical behavior of an abuser.

I think it would have been worse if he said that he would do it again. I don't think he will though.

maybe this will help

http://www.northwestern.edu/womenscenter/issues-information/relationship-violence/warning-signs-abusive-person.html

Quote from: Cathrine on January 30, 2016, 12:32:06 PM
It's not like violent outbursts, it's just something that happened and most of the time we go very well along. I've been talking to him, and I try to improve our communication so he understands how things are for me. He's very sorry about hurting me and it won't happen again.
Some aspects of the way he treats me is something he culturally or religiously believes in, and if he believes in them he defends his beliefs. If he realizes what he did was wrong he apologizes.

I think it's programmed into his basic character and not something that was reached through a logical decision. Often when men do something like that they make excuses and promises because they know it's wrong but controlling the impulse can be very difficult.

I lived the male life for around 27 years and never responded in that way and my father lived his entire life and never struck anyone in that way. Some people are born to have a quick temper. Yes it can be controlled but you will be at risk for a long time. The fact that he struck once is enough to fear that should conditions be right, he might do it again. He should received some form of therapy to help him deal with this issue. The decision is yours but don't let your love cloud your vision of the truth.

Quote from: Dena on January 30, 2016, 01:21:50 PM
I think it's programmed into his basic character and not something that was reached through a logical decision. Often when men do something like that they make excuses and promises because they know it's wrong but controlling the impulse can be very difficult.

I lived the male life for around 27 years and never responded in that way and my father lived his entire life and never struck anyone in that way. Some people are born to have a quick temper. Yes it can be controlled but you will be at risk for a long time. The fact that he struck once is enough to fear that should conditions be right, he might do it again. He should received some form of therapy to help him deal with this issue. The decision is yours but don't let your love cloud your vision of the truth.

I think I'll leave him if it happens again, and he knows that. He's filled with remorse and just wants to continue like it never happened.

Quote from: Cathrine on January 30, 2016, 01:11:09 PM
I think it would have been worse if he said that he would do it again. I don't think he will though.

Abusers all say that they won't do it again.  Every single one of them.  They do it again anyway. 

And victims all say that they don't think he'll do it again.  They end up in hospital or dead.

You need to be far away from him.

Quote from: KathyLauren on January 30, 2016, 01:36:17 PM
Abusers all say that they won't do it again.  Every single one of them.  They do it again anyway. 

And victims all say that they don't think he'll do it again.  They end up in hospital or dead.

You need to be far away from him.

I don't think everyone here knows enough to be SO CERTAIN it will happen again

ditto, the sad thing is that the next time might be the one that kills you.

read the link to the Northwestern study

Quote from: Cathrine on January 30, 2016, 01:40:06 PM
I don't think everyone here knows enough to be SO CERTAIN it will happen again

You are right that none of us can be certain what he will do.

The point is that you cannot afford to be certain that he won't.  You are betting your life on it.

Quote from: stephaniec on January 30, 2016, 01:42:43 PM
read the link to the Northwestern study

I did look at  that link, those can be signs of that, I don't think it's like that everyone that shows some of those signs are that though. I don't think it's guaranteed that it happens again. I've never seen him be mean to anyone.

And I'm not betting my life on it, it's like if he just sees me shed one tear it really hurts him.

Well, lemme throw some stuff.

First of all, I didn't grasp the relevance of most of the info supplied in your post in regards to your actual relationship. I guess it should be some kind of introduction about yourself.

Second, by taking a glance at your writing, I get you are smart enough to know what you have stated in another post: no one here can give you a good approach, mainly because we don't know your boyfriend and we don't have as much info as you. Moreover, you can give a counterargument at everything we state just by adding new data, so... I can't really see the point in this.

Anyway, I have some muslim friends and had a relationship with a muslim boy, and I know this behaviour is not really related to religion but to culture. People from this countries are very attached to family and traditions, and even if they are nice people, they have some imprints, such as rather sexist views about relationships and social roles.

I don't think he has to be necessarily an abuser, as I think maybe (always with good purposes) some people tend to fear monger a little about those things. Anyway, honestly that thing about saying to himself "you shouldn't hit women" makes him sound like a weirdo (not an abuser, just lil weird).

Concerning to relationships... in some aspects to me they are kind of a power game. Respect yourself, ask for respect and hold tight your views and your position. Usually those who get abused (in any way) is because they let theirselves to be and because they allow certain things to happen right from the beginning (and I'm not victim blaming, I always blame the abuser). Don't allow any abuse and make him respect ya. If he wants you enough, he will comply. If not, he will leave and you will know he was not for you.

EDIT

Is not even needed to raise your voice. I usually hold my views calmy and coldly. Kind of an stoical resistance. A good way to work things through is just saying "no" more often, not because you don't want something, but because you want him to grasp that your will is required and when you don't happen to be in the right mood, things are just not going to take place. People needs to get used to "no". When I meet somebody (friends, boyfriend material, whatever) I make them to get used to "no". And it works.

Quote from: Cathrine on January 30, 2016, 01:47:54 PM
I did look at  that link, those can be signs of that, I don't think it's like that everyone that shows some of those signs are that though. I don't think it's guaranteed that it happens again. I've never seen him be mean to anyone.

And I'm not betting my life on it, it's like if he just sees me shed one tear it really hurts him.

we just don't want you to get hurt. A lot of us on here have had a lot of experience with people. I for one am 64 years old . I was abused by people you would never expect of abuse. He may or may not be abusive., I hope he isn't, but don't close your eyes and be in denial, just be careful and there is absolutely no reason to stay with someone who is even slightly abusive.

Some people say that you will eventually die from this, but if he loves you that will not happen.  What will probably happen...you will become shy, submissive, and isolation could become a problem.

It's your life.  Is it worth it?  What happens when what he does doesn't trip his trigger anymore. It will increase in severity,  at least in my experience.

So many prophecies  ???

There's like everything from "He'll slaughter you and eat you for dinner!" and "He'll beat you into becoming his obedient wife!" to "He's so loving and handsome.. <3"

Quote from: Cathrine on January 31, 2016, 01:00:32 AM
So many prophecies  ???

There's like everything from "He'll slaughter you and eat you for dinner!" and "He'll beat you into becoming his obedient wife!" to "He's so loving and handsome.. <3"

The problem is we don't know this person and we can only go by what you tell us. the newspapers are full of woman in homeless shelters do to abuse. Interview any woman who's been beaten bloody and she tell you that he's never done it before and that he loves me and that he just had a hard day and he will never do it again. the morgue gets filled up with woman who have said , but he loves me. All we want is for you not to get hurt You came to us for advice and we're giving it. What you do with that advice is  your business , We hope everything turns out all right. I personally would love to have a partner , but I don't . Just be careful is all we're saying.

Quote from: Cathrine on January 31, 2016, 01:00:32 AM
So many prophecies  ???

There's like everything from "He'll slaughter you and eat you for dinner!" and "He'll beat you into becoming his obedient wife!" to "He's so loving and handsome.. <3"

Obviously it must not be as bad as you say or at least I hope not. Then again maybe on some level your into it. Who knows.

Let's hope no one's definition of a real woman is one that would take this kind of BS from a man.

Sent from my SM-G900F using Tapatalk

Quote from: ChasingAlice on January 31, 2016, 03:51:18 AM
Obviously it must not be as bad as you say or at least I hope not. Then again maybe on some level your into it. Who knows.

What I said was just telling about certain events that have happened and some general issues.

Well, you did say in your first post that you were scared.  And it sounds like there is a consensus here that you are justified in being scared.

Where you go with it from here is up to you.

Serial abusers can make progress.  But most don't, even the Jekyll/Hyde abusers who turn around and cry because you're hurting and demonstrably regret past abuse.  The warnings that people are giving you are based on experience and statistics.  They aren't prophecies of what will definitely come to pass.  Your response to these warnings has largely been to say "don't worry, I've got it."  This is concerning to people who have been witness to abusive relationships, because it's a sadly common response from victims of serial abuse.  So... it's really really hard to tell the difference.

My advice is to be vigilant, vis a vis the warning signs.  Try to say "If he abuses me more, I will leave him."  Just try it on for size.  I know that you love him, and it certainly sounds like he loves you... but you deserve to love and be loved by somebody who you can trust not to rape or batter you.

Quote from: Cathrine on January 29, 2016, 02:25:38 PM
Sometimes if I'm mad at him and I try to go sleep somewhere else to get away, he physically drags me back to bed. If I say no to have sex with him he almost ignores it unless I'm really consistent.
To top it he once had sex with me when I really didn't want to - he held me down so I couldn't move, and I said no about 50 times. That incident almost made him lose me. He was extremely sad about it.

. . . He hit my arm once so I don't know what could happen if he just loses it like he did when he raped me. I'm scared.

People are talking past each other in responding to Cathrine's post.  I guess different people have different ideas about where to draw the line on physical force and sexual coercion.

The incident Cathrine describes constitutes rape in most states in the United States and in most of the rest of the world.  Catherine herself used the term in characterizing it.  ("when he raped me")

Rape isn't just boorish manners or selfish behavior.  It's a serious criminal offense and a grave violation of the victim's autonomy and dignity.  If a woman has been raped by her lover but stays in the relationship "because she loves him," I know I can't prevent her from doing so.  But I shudder for her safety.

I'm not surprised that Cathrine described herself as "scared."  I would be, too.  This is a danger signal in the relationship equivalent to a flashing red warning light and a wailing siren.  A woman ( ANY woman, cis- or trans-, it makes no difference!) ignores this at her peril.