My life, past and boyfriend

[stephaniec]

maybe this will help

http://www.northwestern.edu/womenscenter/issues-information/relationship-violence/warning-signs-abusive-person.html

[Dena]

It's not like violent outbursts, it's just something that happened and most of the time we go very well along. I've been talking to him, and I try to improve our communication so he understands how things are for me. He's very sorry about hurting me and it won't happen again.
Some aspects of the way he treats me is something he culturally or religiously believes in, and if he believes in them he defends his beliefs. If he realizes what he did was wrong he apologizes.

I think it's programmed into his basic character and not something that was reached through a logical decision. Often when men do something like that they make excuses and promises because they know it's wrong but controlling the impulse can be very difficult.

I lived the male life for around 27 years and never responded in that way and my father lived his entire life and never struck anyone in that way. Some people are born to have a quick temper. Yes it can be controlled but you will be at risk for a long time. The fact that he struck once is enough to fear that should conditions be right, he might do it again. He should received some form of therapy to help him deal with this issue. The decision is yours but don't let your love cloud your vision of the truth.

[Cathrine]

I think it's programmed into his basic character and not something that was reached through a logical decision. Often when men do something like that they make excuses and promises because they know it's wrong but controlling the impulse can be very difficult.

I lived the male life for around 27 years and never responded in that way and my father lived his entire life and never struck anyone in that way. Some people are born to have a quick temper. Yes it can be controlled but you will be at risk for a long time. The fact that he struck once is enough to fear that should conditions be right, he might do it again. He should received some form of therapy to help him deal with this issue. The decision is yours but don't let your love cloud your vision of the truth.

I think I'll leave him if it happens again, and he knows that. He's filled with remorse and just wants to continue like it never happened.

[KathyLauren]

I think it would have been worse if he said that he would do it again. I don't think he will though.

Abusers all say that they won't do it again.  Every single one of them.  They do it again anyway. 

And victims all say that they don't think he'll do it again.  They end up in hospital or dead.

You need to be far away from him.

[Cathrine]

Abusers all say that they won't do it again.  Every single one of them.  They do it again anyway. 

And victims all say that they don't think he'll do it again.  They end up in hospital or dead.

You need to be far away from him.

I don't think everyone here knows enough to be SO CERTAIN it will happen again

[stephaniec]

ditto, the sad thing is that the next time might be the one that kills you.

[stephaniec]

read the link to the Northwestern study

[KathyLauren]

I don't think everyone here knows enough to be SO CERTAIN it will happen again

You are right that none of us can be certain what he will do.

The point is that you cannot afford to be certain that he won't.  You are betting your life on it.

[Cathrine]

read the link to the Northwestern study

I did look at  that link, those can be signs of that, I don't think it's like that everyone that shows some of those signs are that though. I don't think it's guaranteed that it happens again. I've never seen him be mean to anyone.

And I'm not betting my life on it, it's like if he just sees me shed one tear it really hurts him.

[Wednesday]

Well, lemme throw some stuff.

First of all, I didn't grasp the relevance of most of the info supplied in your post in regards to your actual relationship. I guess it should be some kind of introduction about yourself.

Second, by taking a glance at your writing, I get you are smart enough to know what you have stated in another post: no one here can give you a good approach, mainly because we don't know your boyfriend and we don't have as much info as you. Moreover, you can give a counterargument at everything we state just by adding new data, so... I can't really see the point in this.

Anyway, I have some muslim friends and had a relationship with a muslim boy, and I know this behaviour is not really related to religion but to culture. People from this countries are very attached to family and traditions, and even if they are nice people, they have some imprints, such as rather sexist views about relationships and social roles.

I don't think he has to be necessarily an abuser, as I think maybe (always with good purposes) some people tend to fear monger a little about those things. Anyway, honestly that thing about saying to himself "you shouldn't hit women" makes him sound like a weirdo (not an abuser, just lil weird).

Concerning to relationships... in some aspects to me they are kind of a power game. Respect yourself, ask for respect and hold tight your views and your position. Usually those who get abused (in any way) is because they let theirselves to be and because they allow certain things to happen right from the beginning (and I'm not victim blaming, I always blame the abuser). Don't allow any abuse and make him respect ya. If he wants you enough, he will comply. If not, he will leave and you will know he was not for you.

EDIT

Is not even needed to raise your voice. I usually hold my views calmy and coldly. Kind of an stoical resistance. A good way to work things through is just saying "no" more often, not because you don't want something, but because you want him to grasp that your will is required and when you don't happen to be in the right mood, things are just not going to take place. People needs to get used to "no". When I meet somebody (friends, boyfriend material, whatever) I make them to get used to "no". And it works.

[stephaniec]

I did look at  that link, those can be signs of that, I don't think it's like that everyone that shows some of those signs are that though. I don't think it's guaranteed that it happens again. I've never seen him be mean to anyone.

And I'm not betting my life on it, it's like if he just sees me shed one tear it really hurts him.

we just don't want you to get hurt. A lot of us on here have had a lot of experience with people. I for one am 64 years old . I was abused by people you would never expect of abuse. He may or may not be abusive., I hope he isn't, but don't close your eyes and be in denial, just be careful and there is absolutely no reason to stay with someone who is even slightly abusive.

[ChasingAlice]

Some people say that you will eventually die from this, but if he loves you that will not happen.  What will probably happen...you will become shy, submissive, and isolation could become a problem.

It's your life.  Is it worth it?  What happens when what he does doesn't trip his trigger anymore. It will increase in severity,  at least in my experience.

[Cathrine]

So many prophecies 

There's like everything from "He'll slaughter you and eat you for dinner!" and "He'll beat you into becoming his obedient wife!" to "He's so loving and handsome.. <3"

[stephaniec]

So many prophecies 

There's like everything from "He'll slaughter you and eat you for dinner!" and "He'll beat you into becoming his obedient wife!" to "He's so loving and handsome.. <3"

The problem is we don't know this person and we can only go by what you tell us. the newspapers are full of woman in homeless shelters do to abuse. Interview any woman who's been beaten bloody and she tell you that he's never done it before and that he loves me and that he just had a hard day and he will never do it again. the morgue gets filled up with woman who have said , but he loves me. All we want is for you not to get hurt You came to us for advice and we're giving it. What you do with that advice is  your business , We hope everything turns out all right. I personally would love to have a partner , but I don't . Just be careful is all we're saying.

[ChasingAlice]

So many prophecies 

There's like everything from "He'll slaughter you and eat you for dinner!" and "He'll beat you into becoming his obedient wife!" to "He's so loving and handsome.. <3"

Obviously it must not be as bad as you say or at least I hope not. Then again maybe on some level your into it. Who knows.

[Debstar]

Let's hope no one's definition of a real woman is one that would take this kind of BS from a man.

Sent from my SM-G900F using Tapatalk

[Cathrine]

Obviously it must not be as bad as you say or at least I hope not. Then again maybe on some level your into it. Who knows.

What I said was just telling about certain events that have happened and some general issues.

[KathyLauren]

Well, you did say in your first post that you were scared.  And it sounds like there is a consensus here that you are justified in being scared.

Where you go with it from here is up to you.

[sparrow]

Serial abusers can make progress.  But most don't, even the Jekyll/Hyde abusers who turn around and cry because you're hurting and demonstrably regret past abuse.  The warnings that people are giving you are based on experience and statistics.  They aren't prophecies of what will definitely come to pass.  Your response to these warnings has largely been to say "don't worry, I've got it."  This is concerning to people who have been witness to abusive relationships, because it's a sadly common response from victims of serial abuse.  So... it's really really hard to tell the difference.

My advice is to be vigilant, vis a vis the warning signs.  Try to say "If he abuses me more, I will leave him."  Just try it on for size.  I know that you love him, and it certainly sounds like he loves you... but you deserve to love and be loved by somebody who you can trust not to rape or batter you.

[itsApril]

Sometimes if I'm mad at him and I try to go sleep somewhere else to get away, he physically drags me back to bed. If I say no to have sex with him he almost ignores it unless I'm really consistent.
To top it he once had sex with me when I really didn't want to - he held me down so I couldn't move, and I said no about 50 times. That incident almost made him lose me. He was extremely sad about it.

. . . He hit my arm once so I don't know what could happen if he just loses it like he did when he raped me. I'm scared.

People are talking past each other in responding to Cathrine's post.  I guess different people have different ideas about where to draw the line on physical force and sexual coercion.

The incident Cathrine describes constitutes rape in most states in the United States and in most of the rest of the world.  Catherine herself used the term in characterizing it.  ("when he raped me")

Rape isn't just boorish manners or selfish behavior.  It's a serious criminal offense and a grave violation of the victim's autonomy and dignity.  If a woman has been raped by her lover but stays in the relationship "because she loves him," I know I can't prevent her from doing so.  But I shudder for her safety.

I'm not surprised that Cathrine described herself as "scared."  I would be, too.  This is a danger signal in the relationship equivalent to a flashing red warning light and a wailing siren.  A woman ( ANY woman, cis- or trans-, it makes no difference!) ignores this at her peril.