Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So I had to go interstate for work last week. I was at Sydney airport and making my way to the waiting area at the gate for my flight when I noticed this guy looking at me. He was at least as old as me, maybe older, I thought maybe he was lost or something. I said hi, he said "hello, want to go up to the lounge?" - which would be the Gold Class Business Lounge. Wow, so forward! A tempting offer to be sure but this guy really looked like the roving hands type probably not that interested in conversation. So I smiled and said no thank you. I noticed that he watched where I went to sit but fortunately he took no for an answer and left me alone.

Even if he had seemed more appealing I wouldn't have been in the mood, it had been a stressful morning getting my hot water system fixed and getting to the airport in high humidity and heat, ugh. (Had to take a paracetamol that night in my my hotel room.)

It's been almost two years living full time and I'm still finding it difficult to find the right way to respond to advances from men. They don't happen all that much and in the past I have been dismissive and sometimes downright rude, at least this time I was fairly polite.

Anyway, it was interesting going on this work trip. It was for a two day meeting in a city I'm unfamiliar with, with people I'd never met...but it all went really well. I felt warmly and immediately welcomed by these interstate colleagues. And being face to face with the service industry - airlines, taxis, hotels, restaurants, etc meant lots and lots of "miss", "madam"...ain't ever gonna get tired of that!

I think "you'll  know when you know" if you know what I mean! Fingers crossed for next time. Glad you enjoyed the wild north!

I can't help but wonder what he did next.

Did he ask anyone else?

Grace,
I think this is also a bit of personal preference. I'm into men and would have agreed. But then again I fly business and a member of Qantas BL so I would have just whistled and see if he followed. :laugh:

Oh wow, that's exciting! At least you got a good story out of it  :)

I've been wondering if I'll ever be in a similar position. I would hate to turn someone down, but I'm in a committed relationship and not into guys (despite some caveats on both points)

Quote from: Ms Grace on March 14, 2016, 03:14:32 AM
It's been almost two years living full time and I'm still finding it difficult to find the right way to respond to advances from men. They don't happen all that much and in the past I have been dismissive and sometimes downright rude, at least this time I was fairly polite.

Ehh you do get used to it after some time. Fairly quick I might add if it happens often enough! It's simple though... If you're at all interested, you either think about it and let him convince you or you pretend to think about it and agree. :P However, if you aren't interested, maybe give a quick polite slight smile (one that is obviously impersonal) and say 'No, thanks', followed by the cold shoulder and not paying him any attention. Good to look busy or otherwise occupied too. It's not rude, but it's firm. Don't give any indication that he can change your mind, because I swear, guys will find aaaany way in if they can and will keep trying to convince you if there is a chance at all. So sometimes (often really) you have to shut them down quickly and definitely.

I don't know what I'd do, but  since I got my black lace dress I've been looking for I'm going to end up in the lounge in my favorite movie theater pretty soon my guess is that free drinks and a nice meal, but that's me. Not to sound  shallow , but if he was a wealthy tycoon it would help too.

Now that I think about it, the one thing that has really changed for me in terms of guys hitting on me is that I am much less freaked out by it happening. I remember the first time it happened...at a busy bus interchange nonetheless!...I just about leaped out of my skin in panic. I was really rude to him too, so I'm starting to see the connection!

Maybe you will enjoy being courted one day by a man. It's sounds like he was nice, not rude. I would have accepted easily. It's sad to say but sometimes we have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. But that's just me. I've always been attracted to men.

I'm not all that attracted to guys. If I was I probably would have said yes, even though he did seem creepy.

I might have said yes even though i'm not really into guys. You are at an airport and both of you are soon to leave for different destinations - you will most likely never see each other again. You will be in a private and probably very secure lounge. The guy obviously thought your were interesting enough to screw up his courage and ask, and he was probably lonely and just wanted to chat with an attractive lady. The worst he could do is ask for your phone number. Any misbehavior by him and you could just walk away or reach for security. I would see it as an opportunity to chat with and learn about someone new and a chance to practice my female social skills.

OTOH I can sympathize with the feeling of "go away and leave me alone" when i'm traveling - When i'm in an airport i'm concerned with being in the right place at the right time to catch my plane - fielding someone hitting on me is not what I really want at that moment. The airport is not the place for that.

I can also sympathize with the nervousness of getting hit on by a guy and being unsure of how to handle it. It's an experience that our cis-sisters have to learn to deal with and now so do we. Welcome to being a female.

Just accept it as a sign that people find you interesting and attractive  :)

I've never been in this situation myself, but my immediate reaction is that what makes that invitation creepy is the lack of any attempt at conversation first. A non-creepy version would, IMO, go something like this:

Grace: "Hi."
Man: "Hi, how are you doing?"
Grace: "Fine, other than the heat -- how about you?"
Man: "Yeah, it's a hot one, but I'm coping. Be glad you don't have to wear this damn suit."
Grace: "Oh, I can imagine what that must be like." [(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthefiringline.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Ftongue.gif&hash=635dd8fbd198d13e75e7b21e12e5f405e686d654)]
Man: "Where are you headed?"
Grace: "[city I'm unfamiliar with]."
Man: "I've heard it's nice there -- I'm going to [somewhere]. Do you have time to go up to the lounge for a quick drink?"

Without something like that, it's obvious that he'd be after anyone in a skirt.

well, there is always the possibility that he is an esteemed scientist heading to a conference at the UN for the World Heath Organization and has a plan for preventing that epidemic that all the scientific minds in the world know is going to happen sooner or later , it's just a matter of the right mutation. He may be a genius who's social skills are severely lacking and when he saw Grace something snapped and he finally after many years of solitude felt the moment was his only chance to finally  break free and ask and adorable woman to have a drink.

Quote from: Tysilio on March 14, 2016, 12:26:53 PM
I've never been in this situation myself, but my immediate reaction is that what makes that invitation creepy is the lack of any attempt at conversation first. A non-creepy version would, IMO, go something like this:

Grace: "Hi."
Man: "Hi, how are you doing?"
Grace: "Fine, other than the heat -- how about you?"
Man: "Yeah, it's a hot one, but I'm coping. Be glad you don't have to wear this damn suit."
Grace: "Oh, I can imagine what that must be like." [(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthefiringline.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Ftongue.gif&hash=635dd8fbd198d13e75e7b21e12e5f405e686d654)]
Man: "Where are you headed?"
Grace: "[city I'm unfamiliar with]."
Man: "I've heard it's nice there -- I'm going to [somewhere]. Do you have time to go up to the lounge for a quick drink?"

Without something like that, it's obvious that he'd be after anyone in a skirt.

Wow. This would be so much better than what actually happened. That would actually be charming. When I read what he actually said in Grace's post, I tried to put myself in her shoes and far too many red flags went up. I even prefer men and I'd stay far from him.

That's a good point. He might have done well to engage in some small talk beforehand.

Don't give any indication that he can change your mind, because I swear, guys will find aaaany way in if they can and will keep trying to convince you if there is a chance at all. So sometimes (often really) you have to shut them down quickly and definitely.
[/quote]

I completely agree with this. Many men think that being persistent will help them to eventually land the girl. The truth is that attitude is bordering on stalker, & it's something I never agreed with. If you show interest in someone, & they turn you down. You move on.

The sad thing is that these romantic stories/movies over the years almost encourage men to take this "be as persistent as you can & win her heart attitude". Men should understand that women's choices should be respected, not seen as pursuit for the "thrill of the chase".

Quote from: Ms Grace on March 14, 2016, 07:19:35 AM
I'm not all that attracted to guys. If I was I probably would have said yes, even though he did seem creepy.

I think that's the problem with being a TG woman, that's not attracted to men. Men are most of the time more aggressive in terms of relationship pursuing. I'm sure it can be annoying telling men your not interested all the time.

Ms Grace. Maybe it's good for you not to have much attraction to men. I sure cannot say that & I've gotten into trouble several times with a horny man. I cannot resist at all if the man looks nice, I like & enjoy an aggressive man. Even married men that were great at the time but later I felt so bad about getting into a 3 way, no win relationship. Good luck to you down under & thanks for the interesting post.

I had a somewhat close experience last week. I was returning home from Istanbul where I had spent 7 hours in transfer hotel, I grabbed a taxi cab (actually it was a van, but the driver said it is ok for a single passenger to take taxi van) and he took me home really quick (like it was 17 minutes drive from the airport to my home). We had some random chatter about traffic jam which went the opposite direction, what was weather like during the past week etc. I gave him quite generous tip for taking me home really fast, he took my luggage and then said: "I would love to ask You out for a coffee".
I could not believe my ears and said something like "Excuse me?" so he repeated. I looked at him - about 1.90 m tall, really broad (not fat) and for a brief moment considered offering him a cup of coffee at my place, but since I was quite tired after early wake up and 3 hours flight, I dismissed the idea, plus I had to move on, unload my stuff and rush to other part of the city to pick up my daughter. So I told him: "Maybe another time...".
Still, what could I tell him? Like: "You know, You really really dont want to ask me out for a coffee because..." and then hope that he wont punch me in the face?
Oh yeah, and on top of this, it was the very first time when something like that had happened in real life (not online dating) - and I always thought that our men are too shy for asking complete stranger out... Gosh, I really hope that me cutting him off did not result into some sort of negative experience for him, because IMO it takes a lot of courage - unless he routinely asks out all unaccompanied female passengers.

Grace, at least you recognize when a guy is interested. I've had it happen a couple of times since I transitioned, and both times I didn't really figure it out until later. The first time, I did start second-guessing the guy's behavior from the week before, so at least I wasn't a complete moron that time. But the second time, whoosh, right over my head until I analyzed the whole situation later.

I'm really not THAT obtuse, I swear.

well, if some wealthy business man wants to take me for coffee in Istanbul , bring it on.

Quote from: Tysilio on March 14, 2016, 12:26:53 PM
I've never been in this situation myself, but my immediate reaction is that what makes that invitation creepy is the lack of any attempt at conversation first. A non-creepy version would, IMO, go something like this:

Grace: "Hi."
Man: "Hi, how are you doing?"
Grace: "Fine, other than the heat -- how about you?"
Man: "Yeah, it's a hot one, but I'm coping. Be glad you don't have to wear this damn suit."
Grace: "Oh, I can imagine what that must be like." [(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthefiringline.com%2Fforums%2Fimages%2Fsmilies%2Ftongue.gif&hash=635dd8fbd198d13e75e7b21e12e5f405e686d654)]
Man: "Where are you headed?"
Grace: "[city I'm unfamiliar with]."
Man: "I've heard it's nice there -- I'm going to [somewhere]. Do you have time to go up to the lounge for a quick drink?"

Without something like that, it's obvious that he'd be after anyone in a skirt.

A total gent! :) Feel free to ask me up to the lounge if we ever bump into each other at the airport, Tysillo! ;D

Yup, Ms. Grace,

That guy had seemed to have lack of social skills. I mean, whatever happened to a hello?, how are you?, and make some polite small conversation about the airport, traffic outside, accents of people, destinations he's about to go too?, and how different it might be?, get a feel for you first, then maybe, just maybe, he can invite you to the lounge, if you obliged. Sounds too much like a wham, bam, thank you mam type.

Quote from: FrancisAnn on March 17, 2016, 01:57:36 AM
Ms Grace. Maybe it's good for you not to have much attraction to men. I sure cannot say that & I've gotten into trouble several times with a horny man. I cannot resist at all if the man looks nice, I like & enjoy an aggressive man. Even married men that were great at the time but later I felt so bad about getting into a 3 way, no win relationship. Good luck to you down under & thanks for the interesting post.

Those awesome looking guys with this aggressive and persistent style is a real turn on I agree with you.

Well otherwise you did the right thing Grace. If you were not comfortable with the idea, it was better not to accept this offer.

Quote from: Ms GraceA total gent! :) Feel free to ask me up to the lounge if we ever bump into each other at the airport, Tysillo! ;D

I'd love to, and I hope we do bump into each other someday, Grace -- you are a total lady.

Grace, I was never interested in men either, but when I received attention from one I always counted it as validation of the fact that I was functioning as female in society and, thus, had achieved my ultimate goal.

It sounds like you're there, too.

Quote from: diane 2606 on March 17, 2016, 10:29:14 PM
Grace, I was never interested in men either, but when I received attention from one I always counted it as validation of the fact that I was functioning as female in society and, thus, had achieved my ultimate goal.

Funny, everybody reads ME as straight, but women aren't interested. Only the two guys. As clueless as I've been, there may have been more. I just don't think I'm particularly attractive, not like Grace. She's bound to attract male attention.

Anyway, I think that your assessment is dead on, only I've never thought about it from the gay trans man perspective!

I've had guys ask me out while in male mode,we went and had fun,what was weird was they paid for everything and didn't ask for anything in return,all they wanted was someone too have fun with. I'm not into guys period for I have problems trusting them,besides I prefer women.

Quote from: stephaniec on March 17, 2016, 05:31:35 PM
well, if some wealthy business man wants to take me for coffee in Istanbul , bring it on.

hahaha, me too! It's great to be a girl.......so enjoy it I say.

Quote from: Arch on March 18, 2016, 03:25:15 AM
...not like Grace. She's bound to attract male attention.

You're too kind. :) Thank you ;D

To be honest, before I started transition I never expected I'd be remotely attractive to men. Turns out I was at least partially wrong! That freaked me out at first but I'm adjusting to the reality. I think one of the main reasons I don't get hit on more often is due to my height, very few men (cis or trans) are my height or taller and I know that many men are put off by women who are taller than them.

see Grace your more open minded then you thought , breakfast by the China wall

Quote from: Ms Grace on March 19, 2016, 05:53:37 PM
You're too kind. :) Thank you ;D

To be honest, before I started transition I never expected I'd be remotely attractive to men. Turns out I was at least partially wrong! That freaked me out at first but I'm adjusting to the reality. I think one of the main reasons I don't get hit on more often is due to my height, very few men (cis or trans) are my height or taller and I know that many men are put off by women who are taller than them.

A cis friend of mine who is very tall experiences this too and her solution is to sit down as soon as she can at social gatherings,parties etc.It works to for her because guys often have this thing about needing to be taller than a woman which can mess with their heads a bit but if shes sat down they can just talk.Bizarre but true.My height has never been an issue(I'm  6 foot).Being chatted up in a nice respectful way is fine and can be lots of fun but I've also experienced some downright seedy approaches.It's upsetting and rude so I don't tolerate it.

It is funny about height. I've had a lot of men about my height, 5'9" have interest & be very aggressive to date. However even if they were very nice it just did not seem right. However with a taller man it seemed very easy to become attracted. Even much taller men like 6 ft or taller seemed very right for me. I normally like a little heel, 2-3 inches maybe so a much taller man seemed like a better match. I hate to admit it but with on line dating I would ask a man if he was well endowed? Men seem to want to see & know everything about us so I decided to find out first about the man. I was never excited about a man with a small penis, no matter what. It's so hard for us to find the right match I guess.  Good luck to us all.