I had a particularly bad day yesterday and it wasn't caused by misgendering or dysphoria. It was caused by people close to me telling me why I'm the way I am and what I need to do to fix it and how I'm ruining my life by doing this. I built up a lot of mental fortitude prior to going fulltime, but this caught me off guard because it was someone that showed initial support for over a year, then suddenly blasts me for using this to fix my problems and telling me I have a mental illness. They went on further to describe how they once knew a postop that took their own life and that's where I was headed. Do they not get that doing this to someone that you already believe is depressed, will make it worse???
Anyway I spent the night crying, wondering what the point of being alive was, wondering why everybody but me deserves to be happy, etc. I'm better now and not having any bad thoughts though. I also cut that "friend" off because I don't need that crap in my life, but that's hard too because I've known them for several years. I didn't post this for sympathy. I posted this because I believed that the days of depression were gone now that I finally knew what it meant to be happy. Not depression like missing people. Depression like there's no point to living. I was totally unprepared for that to happen. I thought maybe it would be a good idea to post this so future transitioners can be better prepared than I was.
It's hard to account for people's bad advice and prejudice. I've heard one or two arguments from people like that:
" Why would you isolate yourself? "
"Why invite discrimination ?"
"Don't you know how unhappy these people are?"
What they do not realize with this type of "concern" is that this exact type of prejudice they are exhibiting is often what causes depression, isolation and more.
The price of acceptance is low and has many benefits, the price of prejudice is self-decay. Ask these people to choose the former and in doing so love you the way they should.
*hugs*
Here are a few resources that can be shown:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901
It may help show people this is simply a way some people are ...
there is a biological explanation for being transgender...
there are differences in brains of women and men so a mismatch is possible ...
its nobodys fault ... neither the transgender persons nor an upbringing...
its simply how people feel and the remedy is to adapt the body to how people feel is necessary ...
Concerning depression there are helplines ... reach out ...
www.translifeline.org
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
You deserve to be happy and you will be happy.
Keep on keeping on.
Try to consciously enjoy a few small things ... a cup of tea ...
*hugs*
Thanks all
You did well to cut that person out of your life. I wonder why they changed their tune though, did someone else fill them up with a load of rubbish psychology. Anyway, whatever the reason people always reveal their true colours eventually. Hope you're feeling better.
you know we all want friends that's just part of being human. Long before I even considered trying to actually transition I had a group of people I grew up with and would be considered being friends , but I broke with them completely a long time ago because I needed to be free of others thoughts on how I should live my life. After 40 years of not seeing them they came back into my life because of the internet. I realized that my life was so far removed from their lives and way of thinking that The reunion only lasted a couple of months when I realized I was suffocating . I had to break away again because I wasn't who they wanted or believed me to be. It's sad , but I needed to survive to live my life not someone else's perception of who I was. It's sad that people for some reason try to mold you into what is their perception of reality. Your life is yours and absolutely no one else's unless you freely cede to someone else for whatever reason some sort of responsibility to that person. Others do not walk in your shoes.
I'm starting to agree with you there. I do still maintain a few close friends, but even they seem to be drifting away. On the other hand, I've found friends in places I never expected to.
Emileeeee,
I think anyone being honest about their gender "difference"(from the "norm") is vulnerable to being blindsided like this. It says more about them then it does us. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like crazy when it happens. I have gotten very positive responses coming out, but on a conceptual level. When more people see me in actuality, physically changed, I expect to experience this as well. I don't see any way one can insulate oneself from this type of reversal.
Maybe there is a reason minorities of any kind tend to stick together. There is a trust that you can have with someone who is like you that you can't have with anyone else. Even though there is a spectrum of trans people, we still have a bond of understanding.
Thanks for being the awesome person you are Emileeeee (even if I can't keep up with the amount of "E's" in your name.)
Moni
That is part of the reason I find myself on this site so much despite my real world support. They just don't fully get me and probably never will.
I think there are 5 'e's, but I could be wrong. There are a LOT of Emily's on here and in the real world. If I had known that I would have chosen something less common. It was only ranked 48th most popular in my birth year, so I thought it was safe. So anyway I held replaced the 'y' with an 'e', then just held the key down a little. The number of 'e's were not intentional.
I'm so sorry for your pain. So many ppl just do not understand what we have to go through, it's a shame. But if a friend makes you feel bad, tell her or him off that you need friends not someone to cause you stress & trouble. If they are a real friend they will come back but make new friends if you can. Good luck, we all get stressed out, I've lost so many older "friends" but quite frankly glad to be done with them. More time for new better friends with more in common.
Quote from: Emileeeee on April 06, 2016, 06:35:28 AM
I think there are 5 'e's, but I could be wrong. There are a LOT of Emily's on here and in the real world. If I had known that I would have chosen something less common. It was only ranked 48th most popular in my birth year, so I thought it was safe. So anyway I held replaced the 'y' with an 'e', then just held the key down a little. The number of 'e's were not intentional.
You can ask moderators or administrators for changing your name. However I suggest you keep two 'e' because Emile is a male name (at least in french). There is also Emilie, which is a female name in french (I like the latter a lot).
Quote from: Emileeeee on April 06, 2016, 06:35:28 AM
That is part of the reason I find myself on this site so much despite my real world support. They just don't fully get me and probably never will.
I think there are 5 'e's, but I could be wrong. There are a LOT of Emily's on here and in the real world. If I had known that I would have chosen something less common. It was only ranked 48th most popular in my birth year, so I thought it was safe. So anyway I held replaced the 'y' with an 'e', then just held the key down a little. The number of 'e's were not intentional.
I can change you to Emily with another letter such as Emily X or Emilywithanumber! Just ask and miracles can be performed!
As far as your ex friend is concerned you can quote the facts. A number of post op women do suicide and it is because society does not accept them. The pain remains and it is people like your exfriend who drive us to despair.
Tell your exfriend that they are the guilty ones, not the transgender person. They are the people who cause suicide and depression. They should be weeping for their lack of humanity.
And you young lady can snap out of your despair. You are you. A wonderful person who lives her life and you should be very proud of that.
That's what I intend to do, Cindy! One thing that stood out from their message was talking about how miserable their life is and I just need to suck it up. Well to that I say if you can choose to be happy, why wouldn't you? It's not maturity or toughness to choose to live in misery. It's stupidity. It turned into a neverending spiral of I'm right and you're wrong, so I stopped communications.
I'm fine with my name actually. I was just explaining how it got that way. My legal name has already been changed and is Emily. I don't need the two to be the same, just similar enough that I know it's me.
We make ourselves happy. We don't need confirmation by people who can not understand to fulfill our lives. Just this past week I created a new FB page. I disabled my old one, cutting off all family and my "old friends." I was putting a lot of time into it and getting nothing back. Oh, I'd get lots of likes and comments. But I never get to see those people. It felt like chasing my past. I was also chastised by family members for liking transgender related posts. I decided that I wanted a page where I could post whatever I liked... and chase some lesbian tail without family intervention. I'll waste less time and who knows, I may meet someone. I have no real expectations but I'm having a lot more fun without having to worry about what someone else might think.
I did the same thing with my FB page. A lot of them still friend requested me on the new page though and I accepted. I like what I like and share what I want to share. Anybody that has a problem with it can feel free to unfriend me. The days of me walking on eggshells are over.
I blocked almost everyone! So... I do have a couple of friends who transferred over. I just make sure I comment on their posts and don't "like" them. Hopefully they won't get passed on.
To each their own. I feel like blocking someone is making a decision for them. Don't get me wrong. I do have my father blocked because he was being a jerk, but he's the only one.
I did not mean to start the "eeeee" controversy. I was just teasing. I am happy to hear that you sound like you have rebounded from your "ex-friend." Good for you! You strike me as a strong person. Of course, if you start spelling your name with a bunch of "y's" that will just be too much for me. Please tell me you know that's a joke. Not a good one, but the best I got. :)
Moni
Yes, I get it's a joke. It would be too much for me too. I don't think they ever taught us how to string y's together in cursive. I'd never be able to sign my name.
Quote from: Emileeeee on April 06, 2016, 11:14:29 AM
I did the same thing with my FB page. A lot of them still friend requested me on the new page though and I accepted. I like what I like and share what I want to share. Anybody that has a problem with it can feel free to unfriend me. The days of me walking on eggshells are over.
WTG, if someone does not like it just tell them to Go Fish.... what part of leave me alone do you not understand.....spring cleaning feels great sometimes you know.
Hey Emileee,
I'm sorry to hear this. I've been following your posts, and picked up on your enthusiasm for life right through your transition. Your positive experience in the workplace has given me hopes for my own future. Up until now, I have hoped that each little milestone in my transition mirrors your experiences.
It's just my opinion, but I don't think you should let a person try
to invalidate you. They haven't lived in your skin, and they couldn't possibly understand what you feel.
It's a bit sad to lose a few people who have been there for you for such a long time, but I think you'll make new, even better friends!
Keep your chin up. You deserve to be happy.
{ Hugzz }
We cannot make all ppl happy. Absolutely no reason at all to worry about it. Go buy new shoes, have your nails done, try some new perfume.....something fun & good for you/us.
Quote from: Claire_Sydney on April 06, 2016, 08:38:36 PM
I'm sorry to hear this. I've been following your posts, and picked up on your enthusiasm for life right through your transition. Your positive experience in the workplace has given me hopes for my own future. Up until now, I have hoped that each little milestone in my transition mirrors your experiences.
Glad they're helping somebody. That's the intention.
This friend thing is small potatoes. It hurt, mainly because they waited so long, but I've been very lucky with friends with a formerly 100% success rate (minus him now). My family was a different story. It was pretty much an even split. I had over 130 family members walk out of my life. My father's side stayed without question, my mother's side dropped me like a stone. My father and siblings also dropped me. My mother is one of my strongest supporters. That was pretty devastating and took several months to gather my emotions and get my head back on straight again.
And the hits just keep on coming. Why can't people be honest up front? Why do they have to beat around the bush to try to convince you about how much they care, only to be a total jerk when you don't come around? They're now blasting me with numerous emails reminding me about how much of an idiot I am and even reminded me about the suicide rate in the community as part of the rant. I just lost that whole group of friends because one decided to be an ass and now the rest won't talk to me.
Quote from: Emileeeee on April 08, 2016, 06:13:37 AM
And the hits just keep on coming. Why can't people be honest up front? Why do they have to beat around the bush to try to convince you about how much they care, only to be a total jerk when you don't come around? They're now blasting me with numerous emails reminding me about how much of an idiot I am and even reminded me about the suicide rate in the community as part of the rant. I just lost that whole group of friends because one decided to be an ass and now the rest won't talk to me.
My father said something very similar to me and that he'll never understand me .
Meanwhile I can't understand the mindset of someone who truly believes there is a risk of suicide bringing it up in this sort of ignorant hurtful way and not carefully approaching it with compassion and empathy and support.
Sorry about the group of friends but would be interesting to find out how much they all feel this way or are just being pressured by a know it all jerk. Maybe contact one or two and express concern for the jerk and their strange, unstable behavior and see what reaction you get?
I hadn't thought of it that way. I was sitting here wondering how many other people are faking it and just trying not to blow their tops.
Thinking about you Emileee.
I hope things will improve with your friends. I wonder if the others in the group know what a jerk this one person is being, but just don't have the courage and conviction to stand up for what's right?
If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. In which case you'll move on, and make new friends that appreciate you for the true person you are.
Lots of hugs!
One of them is still talking to me and I'm meeting them for a happy hour soon.
I'd also like to apologize for my angry posts lately. This guy really messed my day up. Then it got me thinking about if one single person could put me in this spot at my age, how the heck do kids with parents like this guy handle that kind of torment day in and day out. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. I had to stay away from the forums for a few days :)