Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello all,

A bit of background about me here. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,217613.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,217613.0.html)

I really don't know how to go on any more. I don't feel as though I'm living, just existing. I've tried counselling, if anything it just made me feel worse about myself and added to my self doubt.

My wife is openly hostile towards me having any form of social contact with anyone, she refuses point blank to discuss my "issue" (as she refers to it), so I have to resort to furtively posting on the internet to try and reach out to people. And it seems that the people I reach out to rapidly lose patience with me.

I've had problems with self esteem since I was a kid, my parents filled me with a sense of worthlessness, and 2 marriages have kept that nicely topped up, so it doesn't take much to feed that. Also, comments made by people on various forums, and by my erstwhile therapist, have made me doubt everything I ever thought about myself.

I did have an account on here before, I deleted it in a fit of depression when everything just looked hopeless (episodes of which are becoming more and more common), it's clear to me now that I need other people more than they need me.

I'm lonely, I'm afraid and I can't see a way out.

Hi Hon,

Well your wife nor anyone else should prevent you from seeking medical help, and that is all a therapist is.

Hi Hon, Again :-*

I just had a look at your post and I understand a little better.

I think you need to develop an outside interest and no matter the opinion of your wife, do it.

What interests you? Is there something you could do together? Amateur theatre ( a good chance to role play!) or anything that give you private time.

Quote from: Cindy on December 23, 2016, 04:48:57 AM
Hi Hon,

Well your wife nor anyone else should prevent you from seeking medical help, and that is all a therapist is.

She didn't prevent me, but she didn't make it easy for me... it was like an interrogation every time I got home from a session, and if I was vague about the details the accusations started. "You've been talking about me then?" No. "So what's so secret you won't tell me?"

Quote from: Cindy on December 23, 2016, 04:53:57 AM
Hi Hon, Again :-*

I just had a look at your post and I understand a little better.

I think you need to develop an outside interest and no matter the opinion of your wife, do it.

What interests you? Is there something you could do together? Amateur theatre ( a good chance to role play!) or anything that give you private time.

I've tried. Problem is, I was involved in a road accident back in March and am still recovering from the injuries, I have trouble standing, or sitting, for any length of time. I did buy an old car to restore but after about 20 minutes or so of work the pain starts. Hoping that another session of physiotherapy starting next week will help.

There's really not a deal we could do together, her interests range very little beyond her art and craft, and Facebook. And she's not a "people person". I've always been practical, repairing stuff, making stuff, and until I met my current wife, I was always pretty sociable... she rapidly knocked that out of me.

I hate to say this but the answer is becoming very obvious.

You sound like you need a GOOD therapist. You should be able to discuss your feelings with your therapist without your wife needing to tell her what you talked about. This is a serious sounding issue in your marriage. I'm sorry your in such a position.

My suggestion since you are having suicidal ideology is to find a therapist to work with and for now put your survival first and foremost. Hopefully your wife will understand your needs. If not that could be a situation you may have to deal with another time. Right now put staying alive first in your mind. Nothing is worth taking your own life. Remember you have your daughter to live for.

Quote from: josie76 on December 23, 2016, 05:12:31 AM
You sound like you need a GOOD therapist. You should be able to discuss your feelings with your therapist without your wife needing to tell her what you talked about. This is a serious sounding issue in your marriage. I'm sorry your in such a position.

My suggestion since you are having suicidal ideology is to find a therapist to work with and for now put your survival first and foremost. Hopefully your wife will understand your needs. If not that could be a situation you may have to deal with another time. Right now put staying alive first in your mind. Nothing is worth taking your own life. Remember you have your daughter to live for.

My wife has made it abundantly clear from quite early on in our relationship that I'm not to be trusted. Thing is, I find it difficult to argue - I have been secretive, furtive... she's accused me many times of having another woman, and when I finally admitted that my other woman was in fact me, well...

If it wasn't for my daughter I probably would have left long ago, equally all my friends deserted me long ago when she objected vehemently to me seeing or even keeping in touch with them, so I don't have a support network any more.

Some days I do feel like driving head on into a bridge parapet. But my experiences with therapists, and my wife's mistrust, have dissuaded me from seeking another.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on December 23, 2016, 04:54:21 AM
She didn't prevent me, but she didn't make it easy for me... it was like an interrogation every time I got home from a session, and if I was vague about the details the accusations started. "You've been talking about me then?" No. "So what's so secret you won't tell me?"

My (ex-)wife was a little like that.  She kept saying "your therapist will turn you into someone who won't love me."  Well, that ended up being sort of true.  I finally realized that I couldn't live with her as she was and she had no interest in changing.  I still care about her, but I can't be at all vulnerable with her and I have to keep her emotionally at arm's length.

OK I will be blunt.

You are in an abusive relationship and you need help.

You need to get out of this situation ASAP.

Start divorce proceedings if need be but protect your assets and your right to see and keep your child.

Your wife sounds very manipulative and you should seek legal council ASAP.

There is nothing wrong with you but the relationship you describe is toxic.

Quote from: Cindy on December 23, 2016, 05:31:03 AM
OK I will be blunt.

You are in an abusive relationship and you need help.

You need to get out of this situation ASAP.

Start divorce proceedings if need be but protect your assets and your right to see and keep your child.

Your wife sounds very manipulative and you should seek legal council ASAP.

There is nothing wrong with you but the relationship you describe is toxic.

I've tried.

Once I even go so far as speaking to a solicitor to see if I had grounds for divorce.

I came off the phone feeling like I was the unreasonable one, after all she thought she was marrying a man and not, well, someone with issues... why did I not tell her about these issues when we got together... every time I speak to someone I feel like I've had a kicking.

I wish I could believe that there's nothing wrong with me, but 51 years of experience tell me otherwise.

Quote from: Asche on December 23, 2016, 05:27:45 AM
My (ex-)wife was a little like that.  She kept saying "your therapist will turn you into someone who won't love me."  Well, that ended up being sort of true.  I finally realized that I couldn't live with her as she was and she had no interest in changing.  I still care about her, but I can't be at all vulnerable with her and I have to keep her emotionally at arm's length.

I find it incredibly difficult to discuss problems with my wife - firstly she's incredibly judgmental, narrow minded, secondly every problem I have, she has one far, far worse...

Thank you Cindy for being blunt. I didn't want to say that outright but in ad the same thoughts.

Downwardspiral,

You are caught in an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter if your wife thought she was marrying a normal man. You can feel bad about her disappointment but you have to get yourself help, NOW. It doesn't matter if you don't want to find another therapist. Please take our help and just understand you NEED to find a good therapist. This is for your mental health and well being. If you are not well how can you be good for your daughter? Please get help.

Look up signs of abusive relationships. Common themes are there.
You have been isolated from your old friends and any outside support.
She controls your every movement with guilt and passive aggressive behavior.
You having had a rough childhood were easy prey for an abuser to control.
You being empathetic to her feelings is great but an abuser will exploit that empathy.

Please please get help

Everything you are describing is the story of how your self esteem has been not eroded but destroyed.

Let's take a moment for a HUG. Mmmm

You have done nothing wrong. If there was a lie about gender or sexuality as yours developed it has been repaid in full. There now seems to be some aspect of payback involved. I don't like that.

I don't like TG people marrying because they think to will cure them, but it happens. If it does they pay the consequences (I still recall the post "my wife gave birth last week to our first baby should I tell her I'm transgender and leave?')

No you don't leave people in the lurch.

But you don't punish people either. You seem to be the whipping girl for your spouses and it is time to stop that.

Find a lawyer that does their job, not because of their opinion, but because it is their job.

I Agree with Cindy 100%

Quote from: Cindy on December 23, 2016, 05:57:36 AM
Let's take a moment for a HUG. Mmmm
...
Find a lawyer that does their job, not because of their opinion, but because it is their job.

I've read on this site a number of times two things that I tend to live by:

• Do NOT take permanent action for a temporary issue.  PLEASE.
• Only YOU can give permission for others to make you feel bad.

Find a good lawyer that will look out for your rights.  I also agree about finding a good therapist and if your wife asks just walk away from her.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on December 23, 2016, 05:23:02 AM
My wife has made it abundantly clear from quite early on in our relationship that I'm not to be trusted. Thing is, I find it difficult to argue - I have been secretive, furtive... she's accused me many times of having another woman, and when I finally admitted that my other woman was in fact me, well...

If it wasn't for my daughter I probably would have left long ago, equally all my friends deserted me long ago when she objected vehemently to me seeing or even keeping in touch with them, so I don't have a support network any more.

Some days I do feel like driving head on into a bridge parapet. But my experiences with therapists, and my wife's mistrust, have dissuaded me from seeking another.

Yeah. So. If you are interrogated about private stuff like your wife does (with the underlying assumption that anything you think is wrong), of COURSE you became secretive! That's not you, that's trying to survive in the face of your wife's bullying and insecurities!

Your wife destroying your support network was a ->-bleeped-<-ty thing to do and reeks of abuse. Again, she is probably a deeply insecure person. But it's no wonder you're having suicidal ideation now. I think your daughter needs you to live, so living for her may mean distancing yourself from your wife, you following me? Even if only in your mind.

You need a psychologist and a psychiatrist. And you need to have a suicide crisis hotline on speed dial. When your wife questions you, calmly tell her "I am doing this for my safety. When you block and obstruct me, you are showing the world what you care for my safety." People like her are terrified of what others think.

Now I'm going to warn you: I was in a similar position (controlling wife, suicidal thoughts, weakened support network) although not as extreme as yours. I ended the relationship and there was relatively little drama. However, I am struggling with extreme anxiety now. I have been leaning on my friends, family, and therapist for help. It is a very difficult time.

You need a plan. First, a plan to improve your life while still married. This means taking care of the suicidal thoughts and also developing some interests outside the marriage and making some friends. You could also try marriage counseling as maybe there is something worth saving if your wife is willing to stop being your prison warden.

Secondly, you need to think about life after this marriage. You need to work on your self esteem and then on assertiveness. A therapist can help you with this. Awareness meditation and CBT help, also DBT. It's very typical for trans people to have low self esteem because we are often bullied in childhood, rejected by parents, and we are gaslit by everybody about something very, very basic to us. On that note, hormones did wonders for me.

Please call a suicide hotline if you are thinking about wrecking your car.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on December 23, 2016, 05:43:06 AM
I find it incredibly difficult to discuss problems with my wife - firstly she's incredibly judgmental, narrow minded, secondly every problem I have, she has one far, far worse...

That's not a marriage. Sounds like living with Mommy Dearest.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on December 23, 2016, 05:41:10 AM
I've tried.

Once I even go so far as speaking to a solicitor to see if I had grounds for divorce.

I came off the phone feeling like I was the unreasonable one, after all she thought she was marrying a man and not, well, someone with issues... why did I not tell her about these issues when we got together... every time I speak to someone I feel like I've had a kicking.

I wish I could believe that there's nothing wrong with me, but 51 years of experience tell me otherwise.

Why tell the lawyer you're TG upfront? They don't want to hear your personal problems, that's what your shrink is for. Your wife has done plenty of stuff to "alienate" your affection without TG ever entering into it. The only way you should bring it up is if your wife knows about it, tell the lawyer you crossdress and your wife may make an issue of it in the divorce. She's the one being abusive, why should YOU be apologizing? Don't call a lawyer and lead with how you're a horrible, unworthy person who deserves to be abused, okay? Tell the lawyer your wife has made your day to day life utterly intolerable and you want out.

I have a couple of paying bosses and one I have worked for starting in 1986. Over the years we have become very trusting of each other so so sometimes I am told things that others might not hear. He was married to a woman long enough to raise a boy to adult hood but in that time she never trusted him. She went so far to count the money in his wallet each morning and if she felt he spent to much money, she would question him about every cent. Near the end of the relationship, she went on a business trip with the accountant and after she returned, she had a talk with my boss. It seems that she had fallen in love with the accountant and wanted a divorce. After is was all over, my boss told me that he owed the accountant a really big favor because he hadn't realize just how restricting the relationship had been. In addition, he was carrying $100 bills in his wallet just because he could.

In this relationship, the rules that apply to you don't apply to her and unless she is willing to change to some degree, you relationship will result in a divorce sooner or latter. For your heath and well being, at least you need to get in therapy and the alternative is couples consoling. Your wife has a very strong personality which you lack and she is using it to control you. The only way you will ever find happiness is to become equals or escape this relationship and therapy is the only way you will be able to assert your rights.

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on December 23, 2016, 07:38:36 AM
Yeah. So. If you are interrogated about private stuff like your wife does (with the underlying assumption that anything you think is wrong), of COURSE you became secretive! That's not you, that's trying to survive in the face of your wife's bullying and insecurities!

I've always felt ashamed of my feelings. My mother caught me at an early age wearing one of my sister's dresses and knocked hell out of me. My father was quick to brand me as a "poof" for any and every perceived lack of masculinity. The feelings have come and gone over the years to a greater or lesser extent. I've never felt especially sexually attracted to men, except when the "pink fog" comes down, equally I've always been faintly afraid of women, probably due to being browbeaten by my grandmother, mother and sister throughout my childhood.

QuoteYour wife destroying your support network was a ->-bleeped-<-ty thing to do and reeks of abuse. Again, she is probably a deeply insecure person. But it's no wonder you're having suicidal ideation now. I think your daughter needs you to live, so living for her may mean distancing yourself from your wife, you following me? Even if only in your mind.

You need a psychologist and a psychiatrist. And you need to have a suicide crisis hotline on speed dial. When your wife questions you, calmly tell her "I am doing this for my safety. When you block and obstruct me, you are showing the world what you care for my safety." People like her are terrified of what others think.

That's true enough, she is forever posting on Facebook, and obsesses over the number of "likes" her every post gets. But it's all her, as far as the world is concerned I'm just this mysterious figure called "hubby" who puts up shelves and looks after her shop occasionally.

QuoteNow I'm going to warn you: I was in a similar position (controlling wife, suicidal thoughts, weakened support network) although not as extreme as yours. I ended the relationship and there was relatively little drama. However, I am struggling with extreme anxiety now. I have been leaning on my friends, family, and therapist for help. It is a very difficult time.

You need a plan. First, a plan to improve your life while still married. This means taking care of the suicidal thoughts and also developing some interests outside the marriage and making some friends. You could also try marriage counseling as maybe there is something worth saving if your wife is willing to stop being your prison warden.

i have suggested that on several occasions. Her response; "I don't need to go, *I* don't have a problem". I know I'm screwed up, equally on more than one occasion I've been accused of passive aggressive behaviour, attention seeking etc. I doubt anyone would miss me, after all I'm worth more dead than alive.

QuoteSecondly, you need to think about life after this marriage. You need to work on your self esteem and then on assertiveness. A therapist can help you with this. Awareness meditation and CBT help, also DBT. It's very typical for trans people to have low self esteem because we are often bullied in childhood, rejected by parents, and we are gaslit by everybody about something very, very basic to us. On that note, hormones did wonders for me.

Please call a suicide hotline if you are thinking about wrecking your car.

I've tried. Unfortunately the therapist I saw merely made me feel worse about myself. She pooh-poohed CBT, and effectively said I enjoyed being miserable, being a servant, liked having people dependent on me... that seems to be a common opinion amongst many people. I just don't know what to do any more.

So you are being held captive by yourself. Of course that's true with everyone, since anyone can just walk away from almost anything and be free.

I suppose your first step is to decide you want to be well and free. You can contact a counselor online if you want

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw

or call your nearest LGBTQ center for help.

If you wanted to walk away from your wife, you would. You could just do it, and if she tried to stop you, just say that you're sorry she feels that way, but of course you need to do what's best for you. If she threatens to leave, just say you love her and will miss her but of course she's free to do as she likes.

If you are calm, steady, and keep repeating the same things, while continuing to walk past her out the door, short of her attacking you physically, she can't actually stop her. Or simply walk away without telling her anything.

If she asks you questions, just keep asking, "Why do you want to know?"

But be calm, steady, without anger, and just get your stuff and go. The only one holding you prisoner is yourself.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on December 24, 2016, 04:33:28 AM
Unfortunately the therapist I saw merely made me feel worse about myself.
...
I just don't know what to do any more.

One thing to do is to find a better therapist!  There are good ones and bad ones.

A lot of the advice in this thread is sound, and worth thinking about. In an effort not to echo what's already been said, and just to try a slightly different tack, hon. I'd like to ask you a few questions, if that's okay?

Having looked through your posts, it strikes me that part of the problem is that people have been telling you who, and how you are, your whole life. And this has stuck. To the detriment of developing your own sense of self and self worth.

Several sentences stand out:

QuoteI know I'm screwed up, equally on more than one occasion I've been accused of passive aggressive behaviour, attention seeking etc. I doubt anyone would miss me, after all I'm worth more dead than alive.

QuoteUnfortunately the therapist I saw merely made me feel worse about myself. She pooh-poohed CBT, and effectively said I enjoyed being miserable, being a servant, liked having people dependent on me... that seems to be a common opinion amongst many people.

Quoteevery time I speak to someone I feel like I've had a kicking.

There's a theme here, sweetie. People have told you how to feel. And you've felt it. It seems like you've been a blank canvas that everyone around you has painted on in strokes made of tears. And as an individual, you don't know who you are anymore. Or maybe who you ever were? I don't mean in terms of gender. I mean as a person.

So, I'd like to ask you. How do you feel about yourself? Forget for a moment what everyone else has told you, and just have a look inside yourself. What do you see? When you say you know you're screwed up... how do you know? Is it how you really feel, or how those around you have told you to feel?

Are there things you like about yourself? Things you're proud of? Take a few minutes and think about it.

One of the first steps to saving yourself, is to believe you're worth saving. This is also one of the hardest. But I believe you can do it. No one is worthless. No one. That includes you. *extra big hug* Take it at your own pace, okay? It takes a lot to overcome years of negative programming. But that's all it is. Listen to the folks here, and just have a think about what I've asked, okay? I believe in you, even if you don't believe in yourself. :)

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on December 24, 2016, 04:33:28 AM
i have suggested that on several occasions. Her response; "I don't need to go, *I* don't have a problem". I know I'm screwed up, equally on more than one occasion I've been accused of passive aggressive behaviour, attention seeking etc. I doubt anyone would miss me, after all I'm worth more dead than alive.

Pretty much everybody is screwed up, the difference is you are trying to get better and most people tend to ignore it.

Money wise, you may be worth more dead that a live, and for a while it was true of me as well. But to you, you will be worth more happy and alive than dead. We transition in order to make the remaining years of our life better and having lived more of my life as a post transition female, I wouldn't have done it any different. The future is waiting for you and all you need to do is take it.

Quote from: Sephirah on December 24, 2016, 10:18:06 AM
There's a theme here, sweetie. People have told you how to feel. And you've felt it. It seems like you've been a blank canvas that everyone around you has painted on in strokes made of tears. And as an individual, you don't know who you are anymore. Or maybe who you ever were? I don't mean in terms of gender. I mean as a person.

I don't think I've ever known who I was, I suppose it goes back to my parents who constantly reinforced my unimportance, told me that I should put others first, that if I dared ask for anything for myself I was being greedy. What I wanted was/is secondary.

QuoteSo, I'd like to ask you. How do you feel about yourself? Forget for a moment what everyone else has told you, and just have a look inside yourself. What do you see? When you say you know you're screwed up... how do you know? Is it how you really feel, or how those around you have told you to feel?

Are there things you like about yourself? Things you're proud of? Take a few minutes and think about it.

I'm pretty handy, I know how to fix things, I've been tinkering with stuff from an early age, because machines were more reliable than people - look after a machine, it won't let you down. Unlike people.

QuoteOne of the first steps to saving yourself, is to believe you're worth saving. This is also one of the hardest. But I believe you can do it. No one is worthless. No one. That includes you. *extra big hug* Take it at your own pace, okay? It takes a lot to overcome years of negative programming. But that's all it is. Listen to the folks here, and just have a think about what I've asked, okay? I believe in you, even if you don't believe in yourself. :)

I wish I could believe in myself. I don't feel that anyone's ever believed in me, *really* believed in me. People have said they do, but in general their actions have proved otherwise. "I told you 6 weeks ago you should have done x, y and z, you haven't done it yet, why not? You don't want to be helped, you're just attention seeking." I joined several other forums to reach out to people, hell, I even joined this one and deleted my account because I felt like people were getting fed up of me, stopped answering my postings, told me to message them if I wanted to chat then stopped replying. I'm not too great at reaching out any more, I even joined facebook and have a total of 11 "friends", of whom about 4 ever contact me. I've come to the conclusion that I need other people more than they need me.

Hi,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation! Your wife is a narcissist from everything you have said! It's all about them, they turn everyone against you and everything that goes wrong is your fault. There are some good mental health and support sites if your search the word.
The trouble is you are also dealing with your own battles, and don't need the constant stress of a narcissist downloading on you. There are ways to deal with them but you need to be strong to do it.
I hope this helps as I have had to deal with narcissistic people before and it is very painful when they are close like a parent or partner. Good luck, we all need support every now and then! 🌻

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on December 23, 2016, 04:40:02 AM
I'm lonely, I'm afraid and I can't see a way out.

There is always a way out. You just have to want to take it.

The first step is always the hardest but you can make it. Find a good lawyer and a good therapist and with this support team you can move mountains.

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Quote from: Kylo on December 27, 2016, 06:38:38 PM
There is always a way out. You just have to want to take it.

I want to, but I'm afraid to.

I've also considered the other way out.

Quote from: Rikigirl on December 27, 2016, 06:06:20 PM
Hi,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation! Your wife is a narcissist from everything you have said! It's all about them, they turn everyone against you and everything that goes wrong is your fault. There are some good mental health and support sites if your search the word.
The trouble is you are also dealing with your own battles, and don't need the constant stress of a narcissist downloading on you. There are ways to deal with them but you need to be strong to do it.
I hope this helps as I have had to deal with narcissistic people before and it is very painful when they are close like a parent or partner. Good luck, we all need support every now and then! 🌻

Ironically she is convinced her brother's wife has narcissistic tendencies. But she is blind to her own displaying of them.

It's wearing me down, and the problem is, I don't want to see my daughter suffer. It's not easy having a mother who favours one child over the other - I know that to my cost - and I can't bear to think of my daughter suffering without me here.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on December 28, 2016, 06:06:18 AM
Ironically she is convinced her brother's wife has narcissistic tendencies. But she is blind to her own displaying of them.

It's wearing me down, and the problem is, I don't want to see my daughter suffer. It's not easy having a mother who favours one child over the other - I know that to my cost - and I can't bear to think of my daughter suffering without me here.

Yes that fits blaming others but even more, favouring one child over another. Narcissistic parents play the favourite child against the other. I feel your pain but the kids see through it after a while. Not easy to solve but you have to fix yourself first to be able to help your children! I wish you all the strength to get through this!

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on December 28, 2016, 06:06:18 AM
It's wearing me down, and the problem is, I don't want to see my daughter suffer. It's not easy having a mother who favours one child over the other - I know that to my cost - and I can't bear to think of my daughter suffering without me here.

She is already suffering and the best you can do is, to do everything to get custody for your daughter.

I don't know how it is in your country but over here, the opinion of an eleven year old child is heard and with fourteen they can decide where to stay.

Have you ever spoken with your daughter if she would like to stay with her mother or with you in case of a separation?

I was very surprised by my daughters (10y) "adult" decision and opinions...
She came to me and told me, that she wants to stay more with me than her mother.

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Quote from: Rikigirl on December 28, 2016, 07:38:19 AM
Yes that fits blaming others but even more, favouring one child over another. Narcissistic parents play the favourite child against the other. I feel your pain but the kids see through it after a while. Not easy to solve but you have to fix yourself first to be able to help your children! I wish you all the strength to get through this!

I wish I had some strength... just feel so worthless and hopeless. Trouble is, my parents were forever fighting, and I saw so much conflict as a kid that I'll go to extraordinary lengths now to avoid it.

I dislike fighting as well but there are battles that you need to fight. The best thing to do is ignore the little things that aren't worth the trouble and put all your effort into the things that count. It will be difficult but you need to do it not only for yourself but your daughter. Start with a therapist and that will help you with your fears. Get a lawyer as soon as possible to protect your rights. Don't confront your wife until all three of you think it's time. This time next year you could be looking back wondering why you though it was so difficult.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on December 28, 2016, 08:49:42 AM
I wish I had some strength... just feel so worthless and hopeless. Trouble is, my parents were forever fighting, and I saw so much conflict as a kid that I'll go to extraordinary lengths now to avoid it.

I understand, I don't think any normal person let alone one on HRT wants to be around conflict or fighting. Unfortunately I don't have an answer for you, but as many others have said go get a good support team together, starting with a mental health therapist. I had an aggressive one for my gender dysphoria and send me down a bad path of self doubt and anxiety. Once you have the support, you can decide a solution and stand up for yourself you will get through this and be so happy you did for your kids and yourself! 

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on December 27, 2016, 05:37:25 PM
I don't think I've ever known who I was, I suppose it goes back to my parents who constantly reinforced my unimportance, told me that I should put others first, that if I dared ask for anything for myself I was being greedy. What I wanted was/is secondary.

Okay, so what do you want? Imagine for a moment that you could have anything you wanted. Anything. You could be anyone you wanted, do anything you wanted... what would that be? Imagine there was no one going to tell you that you can't. No one to get in the way of your hopes and dreams. What would they be?

QuoteI'm pretty handy, I know how to fix things, I've been tinkering with stuff from an early age, because machines were more reliable than people - look after a machine, it won't let you down. Unlike people.

And what attributes do you need to be able to do that? To be able to fix things? I am utterly useless at it. If it were possible to have two left hands, I would have them, lol. And I've always been a little envious of people who were good with their hands and able to work out how to fix stuff. So what qualities do you need to be able to do that, hmm? Patience? Attention to detail? Determination? What else?

QuoteI wish I could believe in myself. I don't feel that anyone's ever believed in me, *really* believed in me. People have said they do, but in general their actions have proved otherwise. "I told you 6 weeks ago you should have done x, y and z, you haven't done it yet, why not? You don't want to be helped, you're just attention seeking." I joined several other forums to reach out to people, hell, I even joined this one and deleted my account because I felt like people were getting fed up of me, stopped answering my postings, told me to message them if I wanted to chat then stopped replying. I'm not too great at reaching out any more, I even joined facebook and have a total of 11 "friends", of whom about 4 ever contact me. I've come to the conclusion that I need other people more than they need me.

Sweetie, part of it isn't about reaching out, it's about reaching in. About seeing the things inside yourself that allow you to start to believe in yourself. You can't see other people's belief in you if you don't believe in yourself. As I said before, to save yourself you have to get to a point where you feel you're worth saving. That there's something inside you that's worth fighting for.

It's abundantly clear from your posts that you have little to no self-esteem. It's been driven out of you, by the sounds of it. And because of that, you have so much negative self-talk inside you that it's hard to see the good in anything, or anyone. Because you have such a low opinion of yourself that you think the world is tired of you, even when it isn't. Rather than looking at the good, you see only the bad. Because it reinforces the negative monologue you have in your head. It's confirmation bias and it's leading to a cycle that has you trapped.

I've been there. I think a lot of people here have been there. Other people can't give you what you need if you're not in a position to believe or accept it, hon. If your view of yourself is so... "everything is my fault", then no matter what happens, that's the loop playing in your mind. And it's applied to every piece of external information you're exposed to. The negative self-talk colours every action and word done and spoken by anyone around you. It's like seeing the world through coloured glasses. And that view of the world influences how you act, which just goes on to make you feel worse and worse. That's what low self esteem is, sweetie. It's a downward spiral. But it's one you can break out of. It isn't easy, but it can be done.

If you haven't already, take a look at this (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,122320.0.html) thread. Maybe there's something in there that can help you.

Making changes is hard. It's very hard. People take it at their own pace. That's all you can do. But it can be done. And you can do it. Whether you feel anyone's ever believed in you or not, I still do. :) The fact that you're talking about it is a step. And one step is all it takes to start a journey. Keep going.

*hugs*

Quote from: Sephirah on December 29, 2016, 05:58:07 PM
Okay, so what do you want? Imagine for a moment that you could have anything you wanted. Anything. You could be anyone you wanted, do anything you wanted... what would that be? Imagine there was no one going to tell you that you can't. No one to get in the way of your hopes and dreams. What would they be?

I really don't know any more. It's not a question I ask myself much. Suppose all my hopes and dreams, all my ambitions, have been crushed over the years. But I would like to be happy, content, feel appreciated.

Quote
And what attributes do you need to be able to do that? To be able to fix things? I am utterly useless at it. If it were possible to have two left hands, I would have them, lol. And I've always been a little envious of people who were good with their hands and able to work out how to fix stuff. So what qualities do you need to be able to do that, hmm? Patience? Attention to detail? Determination? What else?

I suppose patience, attention to detail and a certain amount of logic come into it... Sometimes I can't fix stuff, but then I frequently end up taking it apart to see how it works anyway...

QuoteSweetie, part of it isn't about reaching out, it's about reaching in. About seeing the things inside yourself that allow you to start to believe in yourself. You can't see other people's belief in you if you don't believe in yourself. As I said before, to save yourself you have to get to a point where you feel you're worth saving. That there's something inside you that's worth fighting for.

It's abundantly clear from your posts that you have little to no self-esteem. It's been driven out of you, by the sounds of it. And because of that, you have so much negative self-talk inside you that it's hard to see the good in anything, or anyone. Because you have such a low opinion of yourself that you think the world is tired of you, even when it isn't. Rather than looking at the good, you see only the bad. Because it reinforces the negative monologue you have in your head. It's confirmation bias and it's leading to a cycle that has you trapped.

It gets tiring to be told that I'm hard work. Two people I was close to, who I classed as friends-real friends, not Facebook friends, told me straight that they couldn't cope with me any more. I've been slated for my perceived negativity, it seems to happen a lot, people slate me for being negative which just feeds the negativity. I feel worse about myself and I just go a little bit further down the spiral.

Quote
I've been there. I think a lot of people here have been there. Other people can't give you what you need if you're not in a position to believe or accept it, hon. If your view of yourself is so... "everything is my fault", then no matter what happens, that's the loop playing in your mind. And it's applied to every piece of external information you're exposed to. The negative self-talk colours every action and word done and spoken by anyone around you. It's like seeing the world through coloured glasses. And that view of the world influences how you act, which just goes on to make you feel worse and worse. That's what low self esteem is, sweetie. It's a downward spiral. But it's one you can break out of. It isn't easy, but it can be done.

If you haven't already, take a look at this (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,122320.0.html) thread. Maybe there's something in there that can help you.

Making changes is hard. It's very hard. People take it at their own pace. That's all you can do. But it can be done. And you can do it. Whether you feel anyone's ever believed in you or not, I still do. :) The fact that you're talking about it is a step. And one step is all it takes to start a journey. Keep going.

*hugs*

I have tried so hard to break the spiral. I've spent more money than I care to think about on therapy and self help books. I've tried to change, but I feel that I've taken two steps back for every one forward. I have seriously thought of heading off with a bottle of pills and a bottle of vodka..  but if I vocalise those thoughts I'm accused of attention seeking.

Thank you for caring, and for believing in me.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on December 30, 2016, 03:17:18 AM

I have tried so hard to break the spiral. I've spent more money than I care to think about on therapy and self help books. I've tried to change, but I feel that I've taken two steps back for every one forward. I have seriously thought of heading off with a bottle of pills and a bottle of vodka..  but if I vocalise those thoughts I'm accused of attention seeking.

Thank you for caring, and for believing in me.

I do care and believe that if nothing changes, nothing changes. If therapy and self help books haven't worked don't take the path of pills and vodka! That will leave your children in a bad place without a parent and your wife telling everyone I told you so! Make a change that will change things for you. Whatever it takes, cause where you are physically and mentally it's not getting any better. A holiday on your own, move somewhere else.....whatever is going to get you into a different state of mind. You need to help yourself to change your negativity!

Good luck......Riki

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on December 30, 2016, 03:17:18 AM
I really don't know any more. It's not a question I ask myself much. Suppose all my hopes and dreams, all my ambitions, have been crushed over the years. But I would like to be happy, content, feel appreciated.

And what would allow you to feel those things? In an ideal world, what do you think would let you be happy? Just for now, allow yourself to ask that question. Free of "but I can't because..." and "I'm not allowed to because...". Visualise a place in your mind that you'd like to be at. Who you'd like to be and what you'd like to be doing. Tell me about it. :)

QuoteI suppose patience, attention to detail and a certain amount of logic come into it... Sometimes I can't fix stuff, but then I frequently end up taking it apart to see how it works anyway...

So, curiosity too. Inquisitiveness. A desire to learn and understand. These are all good traits, hon. Things about you that you can be proud of, and embrace. Maybe you can use them somehow, hmm? To give you a little bit more confidence in yourself. Have you thought about learning something new? Maybe taking a local course somewhere on something that interests you? It seems to me that you have the aptitude for it. :)

QuoteIt gets tiring to be told that I'm hard work. Two people I was close to, who I classed as friends-real friends, not Facebook friends, told me straight that they couldn't cope with me any more. I've been slated for my perceived negativity, it seems to happen a lot, people slate me for being negative which just feeds the negativity. I feel worse about myself and I just go a little bit further down the spiral.

There's a little trick people sometimes use when they're trying to be more confident. It's basically "if you can't make it, fake it." Which, on the surface seems a bit of an odd thing to do, huh? How can you be something when you don't feel it. But the thing about it is, as you've really just shown, we feed off other people's reactions to us. Whether we know it or not. And if you're feeling shy and timid, then people treat you as such. Ignore you, overlook you. And that makes you feel worse. It reinforces that belief about yourself. As you say above, it feeds the way you already feel about yourself.

So, hypothetically, how do you think folks would react to you if they saw you as positive and outgoing? And how would those reactions make you feel? Do you think it would actually make you feel more positive?

Something else to consider is that low self-esteem will always make you feel that way. Because you blame yourself. Even if those friends you're talking about are just having a really off time and coping with a lot themselves. I've been there myself. Many times. It's so easy to think people are just plain fed up with you because you're not the life of the party. You start to ask yourself what it is about you. What don't they like? What did you do wrong?

You'd be surprised how often it isn't about you at all. But about other people being at a place in their life where, for whatever reason, they can't be as supportive as you need. Or they just snap. But for someone with low self-esteem, it's so, so hard to see that. Because the self loathing is always there, and everything is your fault, you know? Even when it isn't.

QuoteI have tried so hard to break the spiral. I've spent more money than I care to think about on therapy and self help books. I've tried to change, but I feel that I've taken two steps back for every one forward. I have seriously thought of heading off with a bottle of pills and a bottle of vodka..  but if I vocalise those thoughts I'm accused of attention seeking.

Thank you for caring, and for believing in me.

Sweetie, those things... they're tools. Yes they can help, but breaking the spiral has to come from inside you. If I could suggest something... do you think perhaps you've been looking for a solution from outside? And that's where the problem lies? It strikes me throughout your posts that people have been telling you your whole life who you are, what's best for you, what you can and can't do. And it's the only way you know how to be. So you're also looking to others to tell you how to fix things, and how to feel better?

No matter how much money you throw at it, and how many libraries of self help books or armies of therapists you go to see, they don't have the solution. They don't have the magic pill or little-known secret to make it better.You have to do that yourself. That's where the change lies. This is what I've been getting at. You have to listen to yourself rather than others. It's okay to do that. What you want does matter. How you feel is important. You're not worthless. You're a human being. With the same wants, needs and desires as anyone else. And you're just as valuable. You just need to start looking at the negative scripts your mind is reading from right now. See how relevant they still are to you.

You can do this. Everyone has the capacity for change within themselves.

*hugs* Keep going, okay? You will get there.

Quote from: Sephirah on December 30, 2016, 08:51:16 AM
And what would allow you to feel those things? In an ideal world, what do you think would let you be happy? Just for now, allow yourself to ask that question. Free of "but I can't because..." and "I'm not allowed to because...". Visualise a place in your mind that you'd like to be at. Who you'd like to be and what you'd like to be doing. Tell me about it. :)

Feeling appreciated. Feeling free to be myself. All my life I've had the most vivid dreams, mundane even, of just doing normal things but being female... being accepted. These have faded over the past couple of years to the extent that they never occur any more, or at least I don't remember them. But as a start, I'd like to be able to explore my gender role more.

Before this however I need to get back on the weight loss programme...

QuoteThere's a little trick people sometimes use when they're trying to be more confident. It's basically "if you can't make it, fake it." Which, on the surface seems a bit of an odd thing to do, huh? How can you be something when you don't feel it. But the thing about it is, as you've really just shown, we feed off other people's reactions to us. Whether we know it or not. And if you're feeling shy and timid, then people treat you as such. Ignore you, overlook you. And that makes you feel worse. It reinforces that belief about yourself. As you say above, it feeds the way you already feel about yourself.

So, hypothetically, how do you think folks would react to you if they saw you as positive and outgoing? And how would those reactions make you feel? Do you think it would actually make you feel more positive?

I don't know. I've tried to hide stuff in the past, but I can't help but think that people see through me, and generally the people I attract are those who want to be "friends" because of what I can do for them, not because they actually like me...

QuoteSomething else to consider is that low self-esteem will always make you feel that way. Because you blame yourself. Even if those friends you're talking about are just having a really off time and coping with a lot themselves. I've been there myself. Many times. It's so easy to think people are just plain fed up with you because you're not the life of the party. You start to ask yourself what it is about you. What don't they like? What did you do wrong?

You'd be surprised how often it isn't about you at all. But about other people being at a place in their life where, for whatever reason, they can't be as supportive as you need. Or they just snap. But for someone with low self-esteem, it's so, so hard to see that. Because the self loathing is always there, and everything is your fault, you know? Even when it isn't.

Always having your faults pointed out gets you down. My parents, 2 wives, have both been only too quick to point out the 1 thing I haven't done rather than the 999 I have. Being told "you don't want to be helped". Just gets me down. I told my wife that, her answer was "it's not all about you"...

QuoteNo matter how much money you throw at it, and how many libraries of self help books or armies of therapists you go to see, they don't have the solution. They don't have the magic pill or little-known secret to make it better.You have to do that yourself. That's where the change lies. This is what I've been getting at. You have to listen to yourself rather than others. It's okay to do that. What you want does matter. How you feel is important. You're not worthless. You're a human being. With the same wants, needs and desires as anyone else. And you're just as valuable. You just need to start looking at the negative scripts your mind is reading from right now. See how relevant they still are to you.

You can do this. Everyone has the capacity for change within themselves.

*hugs* Keep going, okay? You will get there.

I'd just like to know how[/i] to.

Quote from: Rikigirl on December 30, 2016, 07:02:04 AM
I do care and believe that if nothing changes, nothing changes. If therapy and self help books haven't worked don't take the path of pills and vodka! That will leave your children in a bad place without a parent and your wife telling everyone I told you so! Make a change that will change things for you. Whatever it takes, cause where you are physically and mentally it's not getting any better. A holiday on your own, move somewhere else.....whatever is going to get you into a different state of mind. You need to help yourself to change your negativity!

Good luck......Riki

My stepson wouldn't miss me at all, he makes it plain he hates my guts. I'm beginning to wonder whether my daughter would miss me either. My wife would be set up, with the mortgage paid off, a good lump sum from my pension fund and a regular monthly income. So I truly am worth more dead.

I'm sick of sleepless nights, sick of a brain which won't switch off, sick of feeling tired and drained. I just want the pain to go away.

Do you think your wife deserve all this things you mentioned? I guess no. So maybe that's the first step to make sure she is not getting anything from you.



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I'm really glad you came back. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you got on, and when you went silent for a while I feared the worst. I'm so glad you've decided to reach out again.

Do you realise what this means? The fact that you keep reaching out, asking for help? It means that you want to live. It means that you still have something to live for. Whether that's the hope of a better future, or your desire to be loved & accepted, or your daughter... something means so much to you that in the face of all the pain and torment you face, you still keep trying to find ways to keep going.

I recognise that, and I admire your courage.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on January 01, 2017, 04:26:52 PM
Feeling appreciated. Feeling free to be myself. All my life I've had the most vivid dreams, mundane even, of just doing normal things but being female... being accepted. These have faded over the past couple of years to the extent that they never occur any more, or at least I don't remember them. But as a start, I'd like to be able to explore my gender role more.

Absolutely. All of those are achievable goals and you're perfectly entitled to them. Let me tell you: actually doing simple, mundane, everyday things like putting petrol in your car whilst presenting as the correct gender and having the cashier address you correctly can be unimaginably euphoric. You deserve that and so much more, and you can achieve it. All you have to do is start moving in the right direction, and you do that one tiny baby-step at a time.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on January 01, 2017, 04:26:52 PM
Before this however I need to get back on the weight loss programme...

I felt the same way. I put on a lot of weight during & after having my kids, and I've never been able to shift it permanently. It sucks, and it makes me feel down... but I decided to transition anyway. I decided that my weight was just another excuse to not get started and that I can always lose weight whilst transitioning - and that's exactly what I've been doing. Transitioning takes years to complete; you might as well get started ASAP. Why weight? (pun intended) :P

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on January 01, 2017, 04:26:52 PM
I'd just like to know how[/i] to.

You already know how to.

You know what needs to be done, but you've been beaten down so many times over the years by so many people that you've lost faith in your own ability to do it. You're probably terrified of the enormity of it all & don't know where or how to get started. So the best way to deal with it is to divide the task into tiny, manageable chunks which you can tackle individually over a longer period.

You know you need to ditch the b****. You know you need a solicitor to help protect your financial & parental rights. You know you need to be away from your wife when you start your transition. You know you need to get on a waiting list for a GIC so you can start the long, long road towards happiness.

So get a solicitor. See your doctor and ask to be referred. Put money aside (if needs be) and find yourself a flat to move to - preferably one with enough room for your daughter, because you are going to insist on joint custody or visitation rights, aren't you? Join a gym or go for a walk at lunchtime to start losing some weight. Stop answering your wife's incessant questions about what you're doing; who cares what she says in response? You don't have to tell her anything you don't want to. And start planning for the future you deserve.

Remember the words of another admirable lady, Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Your depression and lack of self-esteem have convinced you - and keep convincing you - that it isn't worth standing up for yourself. That everyone else is probably right about you. But are they really? Or are you just surrounded by the wrong people? What if they're wrong about you and you're right? What if you really are worth it?

If you're surrounded by poisonous people, the first thing you need to do is to eject them from your life. We've discussed before how your wife is emotionally and financially abusive towards you. She can only use & abuse you if you give your consent to do so. So withdraw your consent.

Easier said than done? You won't know until you try. Oh, I guarantee she'll try to fight back at first; bullies always do. She'll ramp up the pressure at first in an attempt to make you back down. You know this because you've been up against it before. But if you stick to your guns, she will eventually have no choice but to give up - especially if you have the law on your side.

This is why it's vital you get yourself a good solicitor. I know you've tried before and received bad advice, but there are solicitors out there who are LGBT-friendly and are actively working to attract more business from our community. I'm in the process of getting divorced myself but fortunately I noticed a stall for a local solicitor's firm at last year's Pride. I spoke to one of their senior solicitors there and told her my tale of woe: she gave me some advice & said they've trained their solicitors to be LGBT-aware and would be happy to represent me if it went to court.

So when my ex announced he'd be leaving, I got in touch and have hired them to represent me through our divorce, because I'll be damned if I'm going to let that sponger get the upper hand here. You could do the same: there's an LGBT-friendly solicitor's firm in your area that has been involved with your local Pride for the past 3 years. They advertise themselves as LGBT-friendly, and they deal with divorce and child custody arrangements. I'm not sure whether you want your location revealed again, but if you type 'lgbt lawyer' and the name of the largest city in your county into Google, they'll come up in the first few results, along with another 3 firms advertising the same sort of services. ;) That's the kind of solicitor you need to speak to.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on January 03, 2017, 02:07:06 AM
My stepson wouldn't miss me at all, he makes it plain he hates my guts. I'm beginning to wonder whether my daughter would miss me either. My wife would be set up, with the mortgage paid off, a good lump sum from my pension fund and a regular monthly income. So I truly am worth more dead.

This isn't about them: this is about you. Who cares about money? Who cares about the bloody mortgage? Would you really want the woman who's tormented you for all these years to be sitting in the lap of luxury with her house all paid for & probably no need to work, badmouthing you to her new man whilst scrounging off everything you've worked so hard for? That would be like handing her an easy victory. She's done nothing to deserve that victory. No, she deserves a snotty letter from a solicitor and no more than 50% of the marital assets... with the other 50% going towards helping you start afresh. That'd be a much better outcome.

You're worth everything to your daughter alive, and you're worth nothing to anyone dead... especially yourself. Trust me as someone who's lost a parent: she'd far rather have you alive & happy even if you're in different packaging, than experience that annual period of grief every year when your birthday comes around again with you not being there to enjoy it with her. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy; please don't wish it on her. As for your step-son: that's pretty normal really; many step-kids hate their step-parents. Doesn't mean there's anything inherently wrong with you.

You know, I have this theory about people who accuse other people of being attention-seeking: the only people who do that are the ones who like to have all the attention on themselves all the time... and as soon as they see someone else get a bit of their precious attention they feel jealous & threatened, so they accuse them of being attention-seeking in an attempt to undermine them & move the attention back to themselves. Sound familiar? ;)

Please stick around... both here at Susan's, and in general. The world is a much better place with you in it.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on January 03, 2017, 07:16:25 AM
I'm really glad you came back. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you got on, and when you went silent for a while I feared the worst. I'm so glad you've decided to reach out again.

Do you realise what this means? The fact that you keep reaching out, asking for help? It means that you want to live. It means that you still have something to live for. Whether that's the hope of a better future, or your desire to be loved & accepted, or your daughter... something means so much to you that in the face of all the pain and torment you face, you still keep trying to find ways to keep going.

I've been on the point of giving up completely so many times. Some days life just doesn't seem to be worth living. Some days I don't even know myself how I keep going. Some days I feel as though the only thing keeping me going is the fact that I'm too cowardly to take the alternative.

QuoteI recognise that, and I admire your courage.

Many would refer to it as "stupidity".

QuoteRemember the words of another admirable lady, Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Your depression and lack of self-esteem have convinced you - and keep convincing you - that it isn't worth standing up for yourself. That everyone else is probably right about you. But are they really? Or are you just surrounded by the wrong people? What if they're wrong about you and you're right? What if you really are worth it?

I'm not surrounded by anyone. I don't have a life outside work. I come home, do the housework, watch TV, go to bed. Tonight I've been for physiotherapy, I have a horrible feeling she thinks I'm Up To Something again. I got home, having been out of the house for just over an hour, got the silent treatment, then got half an hour of how ill she is before she went to bed. She's got a cold...

QuoteEasier said than done? You won't know until you try. Oh, I guarantee she'll try to fight back at first; bullies always do. She'll ramp up the pressure at first in an attempt to make you back down. You know this because you've been up against it before. But if you stick to your guns, she will eventually have no choice but to give up - especially if you have the law on your side.

The frustrating thing is, the words are frequently there but they just won't come out. Many times I know exactly what to say, but the safety catch in my mind engages and it won't let me say anything. The self loathing then intensifies.

QuoteYou could do the same: there's an LGBT-friendly solicitor's firm in your area that has been involved with your local Pride for the past 3 years. They advertise themselves as LGBT-friendly, and they deal with divorce and child custody arrangements. I'm not sure whether you want your location revealed again, but if you type 'lgbt lawyer' and the name of the largest city in your county into Google, they'll come up in the first few results, along with another 3 firms advertising the same sort of services. ;) That's the kind of solicitor you need to speak to.

Found, thanks.

QuoteThis isn't about them: this is about you. Who cares about money? Who cares about the bloody mortgage? Would you really want the woman who's tormented you for all these years to be sitting in the lap of luxury with her house all paid for & probably no need to work, badmouthing you to her new man whilst scrounging off everything you've worked so hard for? That would be like handing her an easy victory. She's done nothing to deserve that victory. No, she deserves a snotty letter from a solicitor and no more than 50% of the marital assets... with the other 50% going towards helping you start afresh. That'd be a much better outcome.

You're worth everything to your daughter alive, and you're worth nothing to anyone dead... especially yourself. Trust me as someone who's lost a parent: she'd far rather have you alive & happy even if you're in different packaging, than experience that annual period of grief every year when your birthday comes around again with you not being there to enjoy it with her. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy; please don't wish it on her. As for your step-son: that's pretty normal really; many step-kids hate their step-parents. Doesn't mean there's anything inherently wrong with you.

About 2 years ago, he was on his video game (his default setting...) and he said, deliberately, "I wish I lived with my real dad". That hurt like hell. I told my wife who went ape. At me. Her exact words were "thank you for making him say that", she went on to accuse me of ruining his childhood and all manner of similar things. Largely because I believe he should be doing more than spending his every waking moment playing video games - I exaggerate not - he gets home from school at 4pm, goes straight on his computer or playstation, and comes off it and gos to bed at 10.30. At weekends it's not unusual for him to be on it for 10-12 hours at a stretch. But should I ever say anything, well, "you just can't resist having a go can you?"

QuoteYou know, I have this theory about people who accuse other people of being attention-seeking: the only people who do that are the ones who like to have all the attention on themselves all the time... and as soon as they see someone else get a bit of their precious attention they feel jealous & threatened, so they accuse them of being attention-seeking in an attempt to undermine them & move the attention back to themselves. Sound familiar? ;)

Please stick around... both here at Susan's, and in general. The world is a much better place with you in it.

Certainly rings true in the case of my wife... she's constantly fishing for compliments, and obsesses over the number of "likes" she gets on Facebook... one of the reasons the male me doesn't have a FB account is that she would constantly be on at me wanting to know the minutiae of every posting... then "you don't tell me anything"... "you're a dark horse"... "you're secretive"...

I did briefly consider treating myself to a makeover for my birthday in March. Just to let the inner me out again. But it just doesn't seem worth the hassle, I know that when the makeup and clothes came off I'd just be depressed again.

Just feel a bit out of place to be honest... I'll hang round for a little longer... but I still feel inadequate. I can't talk about clothes, or hormones, or days (or nights) out... I'm just a sad lonely middle aged bloke who doesn't know what he wants from life any more.

Thanks for listening.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on January 04, 2017, 04:28:12 PM
I've been on the point of giving up completely so many times. Some days life just doesn't seem to be worth living. Some days I don't even know myself how I keep going. Some days I feel as though the only thing keeping me going is the fact that I'm too cowardly to take the alternative.

Sweetie, take it from someone who's tried to take the alternative, and thankfully failed, it isn't cowardly to not want to do it. It takes more strength to keep going than it does to... well, to not. I've been where you are. I've been at the precipice, looked over, and jumped. Thankfully I was caught so I'm still around to tell you this. It isn't the answer. As dark as life may seem, where there's life there's hope. I know how easy it is to wish the pain would just go away. How waking up each day can be the biggest struggle in the world and all you wish for is that you could just go back to sleep. And never wake up.

You know what gives me fulfillment? Seeing other people happy. Even when I don't feel it myself. Seeing someone else smile takes the edge off. And it makes me feel like I made a difference. That I'm not completely worthless. It's totally selfish but I don't care. I have made my life about helping others. To take their hand and lead them to the path I cannot take. You need to find that for yourself. Find that thing that gives you a feeling that you're making a difference. I promise you that when you do, it will change the way you see things.

Quote
I'm not surrounded by anyone. I don't have a life outside work. I come home, do the housework, watch TV, go to bed. Tonight I've been for physiotherapy, I have a horrible feeling she thinks I'm Up To Something again. I got home, having been out of the house for just over an hour, got the silent treatment, then got half an hour of how ill she is before she went to bed. She's got a cold...

Your wife is a control freak, hon. That's the long and short of it. You aren't living in a home, you're living in a prison. A prison without bars. And by the sounds of it, you've been sentenced to Death Row for a crime you didn't even know about, much less commit.

GET a life outside work. Seriously. Sweetie you sound terrified of what your wife is going to think. Or how she's going to react. Your life isn't about her, okay? As much as she would like it to be, it just isn't. It's yours. You need to start living it. For yourself. What you're doing right now is living her life. The one she wants you to have.

She has power over you because you allow it. Because you give it to her by being so hung up on what she's going to do or say or think. She isn't the centre of the universe hon. You are a person with your own wants, needs and desires. And you have as much right to express and fulfil those as anyone else.

Quote
About 2 years ago, he was on his video game (his default setting...) and he said, deliberately, "I wish I lived with my real dad". That hurt like hell. I told my wife who went ape. At me. Her exact words were "thank you for making him say that", she went on to accuse me of ruining his childhood and all manner of similar things. Largely because I believe he should be doing more than spending his every waking moment playing video games - I exaggerate not - he gets home from school at 4pm, goes straight on his computer or playstation, and comes off it and gos to bed at 10.30. At weekends it's not unusual for him to be on it for 10-12 hours at a stretch. But should I ever say anything, well, "you just can't resist having a go can you?"

There are some times in life where the phrase "Oh just shut up." Is very apt. That is one of those times. Your wife isn't the supreme font of all knowledge, sweetie. Control freaks know just what to say to keep you subservient. They've had years of practice at it. What you have to understand is that the problem lies with HER, not you.

QuoteCertainly rings true in the case of my wife... she's constantly fishing for compliments, and obsesses over the number of "likes" she gets on Facebook... one of the reasons the male me doesn't have a FB account is that she would constantly be on at me wanting to know the minutiae of every posting... then "you don't tell me anything"... "you're a dark horse"... "you're secretive"...

You know what. Just for one day, you should go over the top the other way. Just to freak her out. Sorry, I'm probably just being evil, but that's what I would do. I would be like the world's best spouse. I would be like "hey, can I do anything for you? Do you want anything? Can I rub your feet? Let me shampoo your hair!! I'll cook you dinner! Hey, can we go somewhere? I have some oil, can I give you a massage? Hey, let me see what you're doing... I'm sooo interested in YOU! What's that? Who's that? Have I met them? I so want to. Do they like you? Hey, let's play a board game! Or share a bottle of wine! What do you think about? Why? Do you have any childhood photos? Can I see? Could I call your mom? Just to say hi and stuff, you know. She'd like that, right? Maybe we could go see them!

That would be accompanied by lots of doting stares and puppy-like following around the house.

People who like to control do it because it makes them feel powerful. Give them what they want and there's no challenge or sense of satisfaction.

QuoteI did briefly consider treating myself to a makeover for my birthday in March. Just to let the inner me out again. But it just doesn't seem worth the hassle, I know that when the makeup and clothes came off I'd just be depressed again.

But it would show you what's possible, sweetie. What you could have. I'm not sure it would be as bad as you think, and it may even galvanise you a little.

QuoteJust feel a bit out of place to be honest... I'll hang round for a little longer... but I still feel inadequate. I can't talk about clothes, or hormones, or days (or nights) out... I'm just a sad lonely middle aged bloke who doesn't know what he wants from life any more.

Talk about whatever you want, sweetie. Talking is good. You can be whoever you want to be. You just have to get to a point where you're ready to take those steps. And by the sounds of it, that's closer than it was when you first posted. :) Keep going. *huggles*

Hi again,

Sephirah, you are an amazing and very caring person! Afraid, please listen to what she says! She has clearly travelled this road before and is very understanding and caring. I am having a bad patch myself and her wonderful words brought me to tears! You should be proud Sephirah!

FTMDiaries, has some very wise words and experiences and lives in SA so that advice is invaluable. Please listen to this support! FTMDiaries, you are more direct but still very caring. So can you please get out of that narcissistic environment and get your life and confidence back? Protect yourself but get out! She is sucking the life and confidence out of you!

I am so happy I have found this website with these beautiful people! Afraid, you need to act as hard as it is!

Hugs Riki

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on January 04, 2017, 04:28:12 PM
I'm not surrounded by anyone. I don't have a life outside work. I come home, do the housework, watch TV, go to bed.

So the only people you socialise with are your immediate family... and two-thirds of them are hostile to you. No wonder you feel so down in the dumps. It's hard to remain chipper when you're surrounded by people who actively try to keep you down. That's why you need to meet new people and spend time with them instead. And irrespective of what your wife might think, your time is your own and you're perfectly entitled to spend a couple of hours away from the family whenever you like; in fact, it's healthy to do so. And you don't need to explain yourself to her - she's just trying to bully you into doing that because of her insecurity. If you find that thought daunting, there are plenty of excuses you can come up with, e.g. getting something fixed on your car; helping a friend move house; going for a walk; going down the pub with a work colleague; going birthday shopping for the wife... all sorts of things that would give you a couple of hours to yourself.

You know that large city in your county that I mentioned? They have three transgender support groups for adults, including one for pensioners - can you believe that? One of the more general groups actually has a meeting just outside the city centre this coming Saturday at a very private, secure location. To find these groups, type the name of that city into Google along with 'LGBT Centre'. It's the first hit, and there's a list of Groups on that site. These sorts of groups tend to have people at all (and no) stages of transition. They'll have people who choose to present as their birth sex; people who're starting to transition; even people who are fully transitioned. You could turn up presenting as male and they'd be more than happy to welcome you, because they've all been there. We all have. In fact, there'll probably be another nervous newbie who hasn't started transitioning, so you wouldn't be alone. ;)

You'd be amazed how liberating and affirming it is to spend even an hour with people who accept you for who you are... especially when your family is so hostile. It's like having a mini-holiday and it can keep you propped up during the tough times. So please surround yourself with better, more supportive people. They'll help you pull yourself out of your current doldrums & will help you decide what you want to do in the future.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on January 04, 2017, 04:28:12 PM
Tonight I've been for physiotherapy, I have a horrible feeling she thinks I'm Up To Something again.

So let her think you're up to something. What happens then? She has a freak-out? Well, so what - you don't have to stand around and listen to her tirade. You're in charge of your legs, so you get to choose where you're going to be when she goes off on one.

It's vital for your own wellbeing that you start to distance yourself from caring what your wife thinks. As Sephirah rightly said, your wife is a control freak who wants everything her way. Well, this is the real world and she can't have everything her way. So what if she gets upset when she isn't the centre of attention? That's actually her problem... not yours.

The more attention you give her, the more you feed her craving for attention. It's a vicious circle: she freaks out; you appease her; so when she wants further appeasement she freaks out again, knowing you'll give in & provide it. You have the break the cycle and the best way to do that is to distance yourself from caring about what she thinks. And if she starts haranguing you, tell her you're not prepared to get involved in the discussion and walk away from the room. You can even leave the house for a couple of hours. They still have pubs, y'know. ;) Once you start to take back your own power, her old tactics will no longer work.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on January 04, 2017, 04:28:12 PM
The frustrating thing is, the words are frequently there but they just won't come out. Many times I know exactly what to say, but the safety catch in my mind engages and it won't let me say anything. The self loathing then intensifies.

So write it all down.

In the case of your doctor, write down (on paper, or on your phone) exactly what you want to say. Then book an appointment and hand it to them to read.

In the case of solicitors, you can email them (set up a private Gmail account or something if you're worried about your wife snooping). The same is true for most support groups.

I must point out: a lot of us experience exactly what you're experiencing before we transition. We experience years or decades of building frustration & anxiety until eventually we reach a crisis point. That point is the moment where you realise you simply cannot continue living a lie & you're just going to have to be true to yourself, irrespective of the consequences. It's possible that you're not quite there yet (and that's perfectly OK), but if not then you're certainly getting very close. Susan's is a perfect venue for you because there are a lot of people here who are either in that stage right now, or who have been in the past. We're here for you.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on January 04, 2017, 04:28:12 PM
Found, thanks.

Great! :)

When I got in touch with my solicitor, I spent 45 minutes on the phone discussing what's going on so that I could see whether I thought they'd be the right ones to help me. I hired the second company I phoned... but I got free legal advice from four of them during this process. ;) You could call your local firms during your lunch break, or you could pull over on the way to work or on the way home & call them then. You can also book a half-day off work without telling your wife, then drive to a location she's unlikely to visit (such as the car park of a supermarket that she doesn't like) and call them whilst sat in your car for complete privacy. It's easy to do.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on January 04, 2017, 04:28:12 PM
About 2 years ago, he was on his video game (his default setting...) and he said, deliberately, "I wish I lived with my real dad". That hurt like hell. I told my wife who went ape. At me. Her exact words were "thank you for making him say that", she went on to accuse me of ruining his childhood and all manner of similar things. Largely because I believe he should be doing more than spending his every waking moment playing video games - I exaggerate not - he gets home from school at 4pm, goes straight on his computer or playstation, and comes off it and gos to bed at 10.30. At weekends it's not unusual for him to be on it for 10-12 hours at a stretch. But should I ever say anything, well, "you just can't resist having a go can you?"

This is all very, very standard step-parent stuff. I presume he's a teenager (which explains the love of games & the general animosity) but most step-kids loathe their step-parents and continuously compare them to their birth parents. You can always call his bluff: when he says he'd rather live with his real dad, you can tell him "well why don't you then?". If your wife goes ape at you, you can tell her that this is your home and the kids are subject to your rules, and if anyone doesn't like it they're quite welcome to find somewhere else to be. I presume you pay the electricity bill: PlayStations & computers eat a lot of electricity so he has to work to pay for that. If he wants an hour on the PlayStation, he has to earn that by doing an hour of chores. 12 hours on the PlayStation costs 12 hours of chores. How keen would he be to spend 10-12 hours on the PlayStation at the weekend if he knows he has to do 2 hours of chores every weekday to earn that privilege? I'm sure there's plenty he can do... there's housework to be done and there's no reason why it should wait until you get home from a hard day's graft, is there? And if he (or your wife) doesn't like it, tell them they know where the door is.

Also, PlayStations, computers and TV sets are portable. They don't have to be in his room, you know. They can be moved to a less convenient location - such as the dining room - so you can better monitor his usage. Or they can be removed entirely as punishment if he misbehaves or refuses to co-operate. They're even disposable! Perhaps he needs to be told these facts if he doesn't want to co-operate with you or treat you with respect. ;)

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on January 04, 2017, 04:28:12 PM
she would constantly be on at me wanting to know the minutiae of every posting... then "you don't tell me anything"... "you're a dark horse"... "you're secretive"...

She's doing this because she's a control freak who's terrified that you might know something she doesn't. Another vicious circle that needs to be broken. You don't have to feed into it.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on January 04, 2017, 04:28:12 PM
I did briefly consider treating myself to a makeover for my birthday in March. Just to let the inner me out again. But it just doesn't seem worth the hassle, I know that when the makeup and clothes came off I'd just be depressed again.

That sounds like a great idea! And do you know what might be a good venue for it? That trans group I mentioned just outside the city centre: they have a meeting in early March and I'm sure if you befriended them they'd provide you with a safe environment in which to dress & express yourself as you wish. They have private changing facilities so you could arrive & leave in male mode with nobody any the wiser. They'd probably even give you some tips - and I'm sure they'd love to celebrate your birthday with you. Why not promise yourself that as a treat?

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on January 04, 2017, 04:28:12 PM
Just feel a bit out of place to be honest... I'll hang round for a little longer... but I still feel inadequate. I can't talk about clothes, or hormones, or days (or nights) out... I'm just a sad lonely middle aged bloke who doesn't know what he wants from life any more.

Do please hang around for as long as you can. You're not inadequate. And you don't have to be sad or lonely. The middle-aged bit I can't do much about, sadly. ;)

I'm middle-aged too: I'm 45 and I started transitioning at 40. I won't lie & say it's been easy; my family has also been extremely hostile. But 5 years down the line I'm ditching my ex and I have a great relationship with my elder daughter; my younger daughter is at an awkward age but that's coming along too and I'm sure we'll get there as she matures. I'm well on my way to getting to where I need to be. Where do you want to be 5 years down the line? Stuck in the same awful situation, or well on your way to happiness & self-fulfilment like I am?

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on January 04, 2017, 04:28:12 PM
Thanks for listening.

Any time. :) And thanks for coming back.

Quote from: Rikigirl on January 05, 2017, 02:52:16 AM
Afraid, you need to act as hard as it is!

Hugs Riki

That's what I find so difficult... got home from work tonight to find that, for the second day on the trot, she hadn't moved off the sofa. She's got a cold. I was a breath away from telling her to stop acting like a spoilt kid and grow up... but yet again the words wouldn't come out. I could hardly talk this morning, nose streaming, chest wheezing, but I got up and went into work. It's hard to come home after a hard day and feel like you're talking to yourself.

As I keep being told, I deserve everything I get.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on January 05, 2017, 07:43:46 AM
That sounds like a great idea! And do you know what might be a good venue for it? That trans group I mentioned just outside the city centre: they have a meeting in early March and I'm sure if you befriended them they'd provide you with a safe environment in which to dress & express yourself as you wish. They have private changing facilities so you could arrive & leave in male mode with nobody any the wiser. They'd probably even give you some tips - and I'm sure they'd love to celebrate your birthday with you. Why not promise yourself that as a treat?

I don't have any clothes, I don't have anywhere to store them... only a few days ago I considered going out shopping but it just seemed so pointless. After all, the last stuff I bought went straight in the clothing bank. Apart from the stuff I gave away to a former friend, who has since cut me dead because she "can't cope" with me any more. Stuff like that, well, it hurts.

Plus, well, I just look ridiculous... I did have a memory card with some pictures on, but I deleted them all. I looked at them and saw "comedy ->-bleeped-<-", plus it just upset me to think of what's happened since then.

QuoteDo please hang around for as long as you can. You're not inadequate. And you don't have to be sad or lonely. The middle-aged bit I can't do much about, sadly. ;)

I'm middle-aged too: I'm 45 and I started transitioning at 40. I won't lie & say it's been easy; my family has also been extremely hostile. But 5 years down the line I'm ditching my ex and I have a great relationship with my elder daughter; my younger daughter is at an awkward age but that's coming along too and I'm sure we'll get there as she matures. I'm well on my way to getting to where I need to be. Where do you want to be 5 years down the line? Stuck in the same awful situation, or well on your way to happiness & self-fulfilment like I am?

Any time. :) And thanks for coming back.

I suspect I'll be stuck. Or wearing a pine overcoat. I've tried so hard, but nothing I do ever seems to be good enough.

Afraid, the reason you feel the way you do is depression.  It is just nots normal state for human beings. In the really old days, the tribe would have noticed this state and would have pushed you into a different situation, breaking you out of your 'stuck' state.

Alas. We don't have a tribe or a tiny village to help us through life any more. We have our family at home, some sort of work affinity group, however unresponsive, and little else. The folks at work don't know about your home life in any detail and usually aren't inclined to help. The folks at home appear to be the CAUSE of your being in this stuck state.

It really is up to you to take the first step to shift your situation. If you don't do something you'll just remain stuck.


FtMDiaries has given you a pretty good roadmap of ways out of your situation. It really is up to you.  Change the situation. Push back on something.

I was stuck in a similar state, not as bad , but definitely stuck. I finally had a breakdown. Really bad, and not the way anyone should handle this. As part of the breakdown I "confessed" my true nature, and I got into therapy.

I got stuck again a few months later. With some pushing from folks here, I broke past that, and started my transition for real. Technically, my dear wife asked me to leave, and I did.

I'm not stuck any more.   It's up to you to get unstuck.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

The problem is not with you, as you are searching for a solution to something you were born with. Our problem is the lack of research on the subject because it may give somebody's dogma a kick in the pants. At this point in society it should not be so hard to find answers, I was female before I married my first wife, I just didn't realize it at the time. If I was able to tell her, would we still be together. Probably not and it does not matter how much I loved her. She was my alpha and omega. But I realize what a trauma it may be to just pop out and say whats on your mind. Do I regret I didn't tell her? Yes. Do I regret it didn't work out? No, and with the more I learn the more strongly this feeling becomes. A lot had to do with the place and time. I had some facts to present to my family and they came back with the  observation that this (HRT) was something I had to do.

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on December 23, 2016, 04:40:02 AM
Hello all,

A bit of background about me here. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,217613.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,217613.0.html)

I really don't know how to go on any more. I don't feel as though I'm living, just existing. I've tried counselling, if anything it just made me feel worse about myself and added to my self doubt.

My wife is openly hostile towards me having any form of social contact with anyone, she refuses point blank to discuss my "issue" (as she refers to it), so I have to resort to furtively posting on the internet to try and reach out to people. And it seems that the people I reach out to rapidly lose patience with me.

I've had problems with self esteem since I was a kid, my parents filled me with a sense of worthlessness, and 2 marriages have kept that nicely topped up, so it doesn't take much to feed that. Also, comments made by people on various forums, and by my erstwhile therapist, have made me doubt everything I ever thought about myself.

I did have an account on here before, I deleted it in a fit of depression when everything just looked hopeless (episodes of which are becoming more and more common), it's clear to me now that I need other people more than they need me.

I'm lonely, I'm afraid and I can't see a way out.

Here is something i feel capable of replying to because i have experienced that same struggle
When it comes to consoling that feeling you get when the consular is asking you questions it's going to probably
make you feel uncomfortable because they are trying to understand and learn about you like you're trying to learn and understand them. They are doing this so they can try and grasp what your problems are and help you the best they can but because we are all human sometimes they don't completely understand how to go about asking certain things and sometimes we forget sometimes we know but it just passed us over but basically if they do or say something that's making you feel interrogated or uncomfortable explain to them why it's making you feel interrogated and ask for another method of communication see if you two can develop a way to go into subjects
that helps you feel more comfortable and not so interrogated. When i first started going to consoling i was very young i felt interrogated also and i wouldn't admit anything to the lady trying to console me because i didn't trust her i didn't know her she didn't know me and that wasn't helping. Also my bad past experiences was preventing me from trusting other people trying to help but eventually she broke through accidentally actually but when she did everything worked until i got older and other things happened with other people and i never went back.
But as i got older i started saying things like: I don't want to go to a consular" but i ended up going and that time around it took me a very long time to find someone i liked i haven't found one yet as a adult who's helped me completely. But i'm still searching, because there are so many people in this world there is someone out there who'll probably understand a lot more then they can say out-loud and that's why i'm still looking because when you get someone who can communicate with you in a way that makes you comfortable and happy (however that is) it'll be a very wonderful feeling and won't feel like a instigation, in a way it starts to feel like a friendship. Or maybe i'm lucky but the people who help you care about you, you just have to find the correct people willing to give the correct kind of understanding and help and open ears. Give it time, look again and if it seems like its a dead end remind yourself it isn't even if inside that moment it feels like it is. I wish you the best of luck and i'm sure life feels inevitable even more so when you're down but there is always so much more then our sadness can see and it's worth walking as corny as saying that is there is a light at the end of a dark tunnel.

It wasn't the counsellor I felt was interrogating me, my wife was grilling me when I got back from sessions. If I didn't adequately answer her questions it caused arguments and accusations, accusations that I'd been talking about her (I did occasionally...) or that I was being secretive (I was, but she didn't seem to understand how I didn't want to go over talking about fairly painful stuff again).

The counsellor, well, sometimes I couldn't see the point of the questions she was asking, sometimes she would go over and over stuff I'd spoken about many times already, sometimes I just felt she wasn't listening... Ultimately I just didn't feel as though I was getting anywhere though.

I wish I could get unstuck... Just feel like I'm going round in ever decreasing circles. And I know people get frustrated with me, I get upset and more depressed, which makes people get frustrated with me... You get the picture. Yet again I'm on the pint of deleting my third (or is it fourth) Facebook account because everyone seems to have stopped communicating with me again.

Sometimes, I wonder what the point of it all is.

Sweetie, have you thought about going to your GP and exploring the possibility that you are suffering from clinical depression? Maybe getting some anti-depressant medication could help you. Not as a cure-all fix for everything, but just to draw back the veil enough that you have more... motivation or desire to take other steps in your life.

These circles that you're in, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy based around the way you're feeling. Everything seems hopeless, no matter what advice is offered. I've been there, I know how that feels. It seems like you're going to be stuck in a rut forever and the things people are telling you to do are easy for them to say. But that's only because of how you're feeling, it really is. It only takes a jump start to get things moving in the other direction.

The only person who can start the cycles moving in the other direction, a more positive direction, is you, sweetie. It really is. I know you wish you could get unstuck, and you can. But to do that you're going to have to do things that are outside your comfort zone. Things that upset the status quo. It's scary, I know it is. How many times do you feel like "better the devil you know..." and "there's no guarantee I'm not just going to end up feeling the same"?

You need to get out of the relationship you're in with your wife. It's toxic. You know you do. It seems like she's a large contributor to the way you're feeling, and as long as that remains the case, things aren't going to change. However close you have come before that fear sets in... sweetie you have to make that leap. You have to. For your own sake, and for the sake of being there for your daughter.

I think that inside, you know what you need to do, but fear and feeling a sense of hopelessness is stopping you from doing them. And it's also making you think people get frustrated with you because they don't communicate in the way you would like. I am willing to bet that it isn't frustration so much as people just don't know what to say. They can only say the same things and offer the same advice so many times before it's just repetition, you know? It isn't necessarily frustration with you as much as it is that they've said everything they know how to say and are leaving it up to you to make use of it. It doesn't mean they don't want to be supportive, or want to listen, they may just not know what else to do to help. Which isn't your fault or anything to do with you or who you are. If you care about someone, you don't just want to listen to them tell you how hard they have it. You feel for them, and want things to get better. So you try to help, you know?

Several times in my life, when I've been in a dark place, I've had people get angry at me. One RL friend even said flat out to my face: "I get it. It sucks. You can keep on telling me how much it sucks, or you can fix it. What do you want me to say, that I feel sorry for you? Well, I don't. I feel sorry that you can't see a way past it. It's there, I've told you what it is, and I've known you long enough to know that this isn't you! So it's up to you. I'll help you but you have to help yourself."

For weeks I was a bundle of tears, anger and bitterness. But the truth of it is, he was right. And I can see now what I couldn't see then.

The first steps really have to come from you, hon. One positive step, then another, then another, and before you know it you're walking, then running, and not looking back. But you have to take those first steps. If you're feeling about as low as it's possible to get, then what do you have to lose? Just take a look through the thread at what people have been saying. There are some very wise heads here, with a lot of experience. Then decide for yourself what you want, and go for it. It is easier said than done, I know. But it's not impossible. Instead of dwelling on how bad it is, start thinking about how good it could be. Give yourself something to focus on. A goal.

You can do it. *hugs*

Quote from: Sephirah on January 11, 2017, 01:44:06 PM
I think that inside, you know what you need to do, but fear and feeling a sense of hopelessness is stopping you from doing them. And it's also making you think people get frustrated with you because they don't communicate in the way you would like. I am willing to bet that it isn't frustration so much as people just don't know what to say. They can only say the same things and offer the same advice so many times before it's just repetition, you know? It isn't necessarily frustration with you as much as it is that they've said everything they know how to say and are leaving it up to you to make use of it. It doesn't mean they don't want to be supportive, or want to listen, they may just not know what else to do to help. Which isn't your fault or anything to do with you or who you are. If you care about someone, you don't just want to listen to them tell you how hard they have it. You feel for them, and want things to get better. So you try to help, you know?

Hi Sephirah,

What you have said is exactly how I was feeling towards afraid and I am sure, many of Afraid's past friends and supporters felt the same way! We don't know what we can say to allow you to make the change you need! Repeating advice becomes pointless if you can't act on it. As Sephirah said in another way a long journey starts with a first step!

Hugs Riki

Quote from: Sephirah on January 11, 2017, 01:44:06 PM
Sweetie, have you thought about going to your GP and exploring the possibility that you are suffering from clinical depression? Maybe getting some anti-depressant medication could help you. Not as a cure-all fix for everything, but just to draw back the veil enough that you have more... motivation or desire to take other steps in your life.

Tried that a couple of years back. Three lots of antidepressants didn't work, just made me feel sort of... empty.

QuoteThese circles that you're in, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy based around the way you're feeling. Everything seems hopeless, no matter what advice is offered. I've been there, I know how that feels. It seems like you're going to be stuck in a rut forever and the things people are telling you to do are easy for them to say. But that's only because of how you're feeling, it really is. It only takes a jump start to get things moving in the other direction.

The only person who can start the cycles moving in the other direction, a more positive direction, is you, sweetie. It really is. I know you wish you could get unstuck, and you can. But to do that you're going to have to do things that are outside your comfort zone. Things that upset the status quo. It's scary, I know it is. How many times do you feel like "better the devil you know..." and "there's no guarantee I'm not just going to end up feeling the same"?

Largely because everything I've tried has either made no difference or actually made things worse. Then of course the self loathing grows and the spiral gets a little deeper.

QuoteI think that inside, you know what you need to do, but fear and feeling a sense of hopelessness is stopping you from doing them. And it's also making you think people get frustrated with you because they don't communicate in the way you would like. I am willing to bet that it isn't frustration so much as people just don't know what to say. They can only say the same things and offer the same advice so many times before it's just repetition, you know? It isn't necessarily frustration with you as much as it is that they've said everything they know how to say and are leaving it up to you to make use of it. It doesn't mean they don't want to be supportive, or want to listen, they may just not know what else to do to help. Which isn't your fault or anything to do with you or who you are. If you care about someone, you don't just want to listen to them tell you how hard they have it. You feel for them, and want things to get better. So you try to help, you know?

Several times in my life, when I've been in a dark place, I've had people get angry at me. One RL friend even said flat out to my face: "I get it. It sucks. You can keep on telling me how much it sucks, or you can fix it. What do you want me to say, that I feel sorry for you? Well, I don't. I feel sorry that you can't see a way past it. It's there, I've told you what it is, and I've known you long enough to know that this isn't you! So it's up to you. I'll help you but you have to help yourself."

For weeks I was a bundle of tears, anger and bitterness. But the truth of it is, he was right. And I can see now what I couldn't see then.

I don't have any RL friends any more. I wish I could just sit and chat to someone over a coffee sometimes, just chew the fat, but there is just nobody. I don't go out at night because I can't cope with the silent treatment and/or interrogation at home. I know it makes me sound lame and useless, that's certainly how I feel.

QuoteThe first steps really have to come from you, hon. One positive step, then another, then another, and before you know it you're walking, then running, and not looking back. But you have to take those first steps. If you're feeling about as low as it's possible to get, then what do you have to lose? Just take a look through the thread at what people have been saying. There are some very wise heads here, with a lot of experience. Then decide for yourself what you want, and go for it. It is easier said than done, I know. But it's not impossible. Instead of dwelling on how bad it is, start thinking about how good it could be. Give yourself something to focus on. A goal.

You can do it. *hugs*

And I feel as though I'm letting people down. I'm sorry. Probably for the best if I stop posting.

Hi Downward,

Posting is a way to talk though your issues! There are many members in the UK who have offered face to face support in groups, and there are many others who I am sure would support you. Without too much detail where are you in, in the UK? Maybe members can suggest face to face support locally?

Hugs Riki

Sweetie, this:

Quote from: DownwardSpiral on January 14, 2017, 04:37:30 AM
Largely because everything I've tried has either made no difference or actually made things worse. Then of course the self loathing grows and the spiral gets a little deeper.

Is tied to this:

QuoteI don't have any RL friends any more. I wish I could just sit and chat to someone over a coffee sometimes, just chew the fat, but there is just nobody. I don't go out at night because I can't cope with the silent treatment and/or interrogation at home. I know it makes me sound lame and useless, that's certainly how I feel.

You haven't tried the thing that might actually work for you. All through this thread, there's a running theme. You're scared to have a life because of the way your wife is, and how she treats you. You don't feel able to do anything because of what she's going to say, or think, or how she's going to behave.

It's perfectly okay to go out and socialise, to chat to people over a coffee. To make friends. It's a normal human pattern of behaviour, sweetie. What isn't normal is the way you're being kept a prisoner inside your own head by virtue of someone who is too self absorbed, and probably too scared, to allow you to actually live your life.

Have a look at how many times you've said that the reason you don't or can't do something is because of how your wife is with you. You can see the one common factor linking all these things. There's nothing wrong with going out to indulge in things you're interested in. There's nothing wrong with wanting to interact with the world outside your doorstep. And everything you've tried to make yourself feel better and get through this... is it any wonder they haven't worked when you're basically being denied a great deal of what makes people people by someone else? How can you get a support network when you don't feel like you can step outside the house? How can you have basic human interaction when you don't feel comfortable talking to anyone, because of the possible repercussions?

You can't be free as long as someone has you on a leash. And by the sounds of it, that's exactly what your wife is doing. She's keeping you a prisoner. It's not lame or useless to want to keep the peace, to not want another argument. No one likes turmoil or conflict. But sweetie all that's doing is letting her know that it's okay for her to be the way she is. That you're okay with how she's treating you. Every time you shut yourself away and acquiesce to her, it's strengthening the idea in her head that what she's doing is right. Rather than making things easier, it's just prolonging it for both of you. And while she may be happy with the arrangement, you clearly are not. As it stands, you're trying to put a band-aid on your hand while it's still stuck in the meatgrinder. So there's no wonder you don't ever seem to feel any better. Because one of the major causes of how you feel isn't being addressed.

In order to heal, hon, you need to get away from the thing that is wounding you. It's really that simple. You deserve a life of your own. You deserve supportive people around you that you can just spontaneously meet up with and socialise. You deserve to be happy, to feel content and that you're in control of your own life. You deserve that as much as anyone else does.

I'd like to give you a quote from a poem by William Wordsworth, titled "A Poet!—He Hath Put His Heart to School". The last six lines of the poem:


That's what you have to do sweetie. You have to be free to be yourself, to draw on your own strengths in order to grow into the person you want to be. And to do that, you have to get out of the shadow of your wife so you can start to live your own life.

QuoteAnd I feel as though I'm letting people down. I'm sorry. Probably for the best if I stop posting.

You're not letting anyone down, hon. It's hard. I know it's hard. You can't just fix stuff with a click of the fingers, if you could then no one would ever feel bad. You don't have anything to apologise for, you haven't done anything wrong. Just have a think about what I've said, okay? You deserve happiness, and you can get it. *hugs*

2 weeks ago, I was on call and had to attend a fatality on the railway. It was messy. It was also seemingly impeccably planned.

I've spoken to people about it, tried to get it out of my head, but in my darker moments I find myself thinking "where would be a good place, how would I minimise the impact on the train driver and the people who came out to clean up"...

Still can't pluck up the courage to stand up for myself. Still feel useless and worthless. Still trying to rationalise what's going on in my head. Didn't really want to pester anyone, but just needed somewhere to unload.

Sorry you had to attend a fatality; they're never easy. You know there's no way of doing it that'll minimise the impact on the train driver and the responders. It's always hard on everyone involved. But in your case, it'd be hardest on your daughter who'd have to live with the knowledge that her dad chose to leave her permanently. Please, as someone who's lost a parent, I ask you to not do that to her. These are dark times, but things can improve eventually.

I'm glad you're still here though; I've been wondering how you're getting on.

To be perfectly honest with you, many of us have been in your shoes. Feeling worthless, unable to stand up for ourselves, unable to demand what we need. Feeling unable to come out for fear of what it will do to us. Fear of the whole transition process. We get that; we've been through it.

But you will eventually reach the point where you find you can't carry on feeling the way you do & you realise the benefits of transition far outweigh any potential costs. It sounds like you're pretty much there. When you reach that point, all you have to do is to simply put one foot in front of the other and start doing what you need to do to survive. And then a weird thing happens: you pick up momentum & before you know it you're sprinting towards that dream you've had your whole life.

I honestly think you'd benefit enormously from meeting some other trans people in real life. I've mentioned before that there are a couple of meetings in your area; why not pop in for a cup of tea at one of the upcoming meetings? You can go in male mode (they'll understand, having been there too) and it'd do you the world of good to be around some positive, accepting people for a change. It may even help pull you out of the rut you currently find yourself in.

Please stick around. Do whatever you feel you need to do: unload, complain, rant, cry... whatever it takes. We're here for you.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on February 15, 2017, 10:57:32 AM

I honestly think you'd benefit enormously from meeting some other trans people in real life. I've mentioned before that there are a couple of meetings in your area; why not pop in for a cup of tea at one of the upcoming meetings? You can go in male mode (they'll understand, having been there too) and it'd do you the world of good to be around some positive, accepting people for a change. It may even help pull you out of the rut you currently find yourself in.

Please stick around. Do whatever you feel you need to do: unload, complain, rant, cry... whatever it takes. We're here for you.

And there's the rub. Those meetings are in the evening. I rarely go out in the evening, if ever. I'm a lousy liar. If I were to go out, questions would be asked, it would lead to an argument, I'd end up not going and apologising profusely for even thinking about the forbidden subject. I know it makes me sound pathetic, it certainly makes me feel pathetic, and at times like this I'm not surprised that nobody wants to know me. Hell, even I don't want to know me. Just feel so hopeless.

Sadly, there's a reason why they all tend to be in the evenings: it's because a lot of pre-transitioners and early transitioners don't pass and of course that can bring with it some personal safety issues. A lot of the ladies in particular are frightened to go out in broad daylight en femme, so they feel a bit safer doing it when the lighting isn't so good.

A lot of those groups have contact forms that you could fill in if you just wanted to get in touch, or if you wanted to see whether they have any other meet-ups at more convenient hours. You could ask whether they have any members that might be willing to befriend you. Most groups have some awesome members who'd be happy to meet you for a coffee or whatever at a time that's more convenient, so you can start clawing back your sense of self-worth & start on the path you need to take.

You do not sound pathetic at all, but I understand why you're feeling pathetic: it's because your wife has been emotionally abusing you for years & that's eroded your self-esteem to the point where you feel worthless. It's not your fault that she's committed this violence against you, and I've PM'd you some contact details of support agencies that can help you deal with the domestic abuse you've been suffering. Please do contact them as soon as you feel ready (the sooner the better). It's a long, bumpy road to recovering from this sort of abuse, but I have faith in you. You can do it, and you can achieve happiness once again.

Please do stick around here. We're all here for you whenever you need us.