I have come to the decision that me trying to become Sara as terribly failed it just seemed to be one bad thing after another, just on the waiting list for HRT but up to two & a half years 😥 tough of going private but just can't afford it
My social transition has been very depressing what little friends I had deserted me as soon as the body hair come off the wife has taken it very badly or should I say ex wife but we still have to live under the same roof, have had no help what so ever out side of this group beginning to think perhaps it wasn't meant to be, I just keep looking like a man in drag so what is the point I will never have the money to fully transition I always know it would be hard but this now.. To be truthful I was I was dead I feel like i,m stuck between two world's the dysphoria is so bad I,ve become a self imposed recluse that way I never get to see any pretty women, no TV very little internet use, some people have said go to a therapist but I fear I will be lock up some where, I,m slowly going out of my mind i hate this male skin suit I have to wear everyday but I don't have the will power to push on, even my horrible self harming is back again.
I have failed as a man I have failed try to become a woman basically I have failed as a human being, not everyone will make this journey I am one of those. Thanks for taking the time to read my soulless post. Sara
Today, I share many of the same thoughts & feelings and my heart breaks for you that yet another of us has to feel this way. Do your best to find something to be thankful for and focus on that in the really low times. You are not alone.
Sweetheart, just did a long reply and internet dropped out and dumped it . Short version now. Maybe the best think would be see a therapist , you wont be locked up. Went out in a skirt no wig or make up so old farts head and nothing nasty happened, so passing is that really necessary . Had to walk past 4 hunky scaffolders wearing 3/4 jeans , ladies t with bra showing, sandals and toe and hand nails painted and a bit of makeup on . No one stared laughed or made a comment and was carrying a hand bag as well. Never say never , please don't give up , I know its frustrating waiting for treatment but it will come , remember no one waves a magic wand and puff Sara appears so do little things to help push onward
Sara if you can't see a gender therapist on a regular/frequent basis, one suggestion is find a good one you can visit at least occasionally. Just knowing you have additional options that can help. You are definitely not alone on this - we care about you.
When you say you have failed, I disagree. You have already succeeded at many things. I admire your openness and willingness to seek advice - I see that as clear proof you have strength.
Agree with what Davina said, they won't lock you up, given the conversations/confessions I've had with my therapist, that is always a last resort that no one wants. As frustrating as the NHS wait is, there is alot you can do. The GIC will want to see that you are getting out and integrating into society.
I got to the point, that if I was going to end it, there was nothing to loose in putting my authentic self out there. It couldn't make things worse, but it just might (and has) make them better. X
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Hi Sarah, you seem to be very depressed now, and your situation is difficult, but... try to realize it will only get better from there.
You will find new friends accepting who you are along the road, 2 years is not too much of a sentence - they will fly through, and in the meantime you can work on improving your image and rebuilding your life.
I'd say - don't be too harsh on your looks, don't strive to achieve 100% passable look but rather try to improve your great assets with makeup and clothes, and be relaxed on who you are. People will always read you but if you are confident and happy, they will treat you with respect and like you.
Just make a plan and stick to it. Maybe it would be good to start with electrolysis and also do some shopping therapy?
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hey if youve come this far you havent failed. just hit another mountain on the route.
let us lot be your garbage dumb to make it easier to climb
Than you all for your kind worlds
I just feel so utterly depressed with the whole situation at the moment I really don't know which way to turn I,ve looking up local trans groups but the nearest is over 70 miles away. Sara
Hey Hon...you're getting roadblocked. That's the forces of the Universe. They will keep putting up those road blocks till you prove to them you'll have what you want. Then they'll back off. If you truly know you're a woman, then take the responsibility out of others hands. We all need some win to continue pursuit of a goal. Go get some win and watch things start to fall into place for you. And while you're at it, if you really want to keep your wife, show her everyday in every way how badly you do. Things can turn around here...turn on your powers of creative visualization and go claim what belongs to you. Best of luck...Lisa
Sara my beloved sister...
I wrote you some things in the fabulous thread today... I am worrying about you because I know you are hurting and feeling pretty lost... But if transition is something you truly want and need to do it can be done!... Like Lisa said... " go claim what belongs to you " ... I see you falling deeper into the traps of despair and self criticism and that is not a good place for anyone... Trust me... The deeper you allow yourself sink into those ....The harder it is to get out of the self defeating patterns
2.5 year wait for hormones?... Okay!... I know girls who have transitioned and can't even take hormones!... There is plenty you can do to move forward in the meantime
Friends leave you high and dry over body hair?... I have some news... Those are not friends!!! Good riddance to them!!!..Show the world who you truly are and then you will attract people who do care about you into your life!!!
You mentioned a Trans group that meets but it was a 70 mile drive... I submit that it would be worth the effort to find a way to get yourself there and have some face to face time with others that are fighting this battle...
What I am trying to say in a nutshell is that I want you to picture a way forward.... It is a journey of 1000 steps ... Don't worry about the 1000... Just picture the next step or two and take them... Believe that you can.... Because you can... You have a whole lot of sisters here that will cheer on your every step and I will cheer loudest of all!!!!
Let this moment be your new beginning!!!! Onward we go!!!!
Ashley :)
Quote from: coldHeart on June 26, 2017, 04:12:44 PM
I,ve looking up local trans groups but the nearest is over 70 miles away. Sara
70 miles is nothing. Here in the USA that's a daily commute. The rewards of going tho will I think be substantial. Sounds to me like you really need to get out of that small town you're in for a bit anyway. What have you got to lose?
I do a round trip to the gender clinic every three months to visit one of the volunteers there whilst I wait for my slot to come up. I get to share stories with another trans person who has been through the system for an hour or so. Even though they are not therapists It keeps me connected to the clinic and I feel a little less isolated.
I'm not sure if they offer the same at your assigned clinic, may be worth a shot if they do.
I also started seeing a regular therapist at my local GP's which has helped a lot with my mood. Again very informal but she has helped a lot with some of the social fears and negative thoughts I have. Trust me you're not alone with that one Sara.
Just some suggestions that have helped me, I know we all have different lives and practical considerations, but just thought I'd share what i've been up doing to help me prepare for when my appointment eventually comes through.
Hope things improve for you girl, I really enjoy your company on these forums and its always nice to have a fellow Brit amongst all these crazy people. I mean someones got to keep that Laurie and Moni in check right? ;D
I wish you all the best, you're not alone, we're all here for you.
Peace and love and all that good stuff,
Sadie.
Quote from: Jane Emily on June 27, 2017, 10:23:25 AM
70 miles is nothing. Here in the USA that's a daily commute. The rewards of going tho will I think be substantial. Sounds to me like you really need to get out of that small town you're in for a bit anyway. What have you got to lose?
I agree! It's 85 miles for me to get into the city to do ANYTHING. Therapist, group meets, laser, shopping, etc.. . I know there's a lot of people who don't travel often, but like Jane said, the rewards are well worth it. Trust me, as someone who lives in a small town, it feels great to get out now & then!
Petrol and traffic can be brutal in Britain. She knows she's a woman. What she needs is HRT. That gas money is better spent there given her circumstance. She needs to mitigate depression and see transition progress. Knowing what she wants makes spending money on talk therapy appear squandered. She has limited resources.
Yes in the same boat here, not even found a group close to me . Will be robbing my pension fund to get HRT (don't pay much anyway) in fact my only trans friends are here, bless you all.
My little town has about 10 houses & is surrounded my open mountains so I am in the middle of no where, my only friends or people I talk to are all on here (sad) I know I,m slipping deeper & deeper but I can't stop myself. Sara
Your wife is gone if I remember correctly. There's an old expression on this side of the pond that goes, "I've never been so broke that I couldn't leave town". Pretty self explanatory. I don't know what cities your close to, but get there an apply for jobs. Shift your paradigm. Change your world. Do something, anything different, Sara. Break the rut you're in. You have to create a goal. Hope depends on having a goal or destination. Sit down, take a deep breath, think about what you want and make a plan. Wallowing in your misfortunes is a spiral into an empty pit. Stop that now.
So sorry you are feeling hopelessness. It can get better for sure and a lot better. I agree a paradigm shift is in order and reaching actively out to more extensive resources in a larger town or city. Many things exist:
Therapists - Frankly, i do not know how anyone can go through all of this without therapy.
Support Groups -
Access to the larger community through LGTBQ+ nights at bars and other venues
Housing and medical assistance - it exists
Larger employment markets -
Better cultural support in urban areas in general-
You have to be an active member in your improvement plan and i know that is hard when you are feeling no hope, but that is what is required to make change happen or at least enough change so that others will step in and pick you up. This forum is great but you need access to a larger support base.
I know some days feel hopeless, but stay strong as those days don't last forever. If this path is right for you it will work out best over time. Any friend who abandons you at this time isn't a friend
Lisa and Robyn are putting out some solid advice here Sara... You need to get outside the box with how you view your situation here... There are always options in life... Resignation to misery is amongst the very worst of of them
You have some very ardent supporters here who want to see you take some steps in the general direction of a happier life but sadly we can't take them for you.... You have to summon up the will to reject misery and let yourself see that little glimmer of light in the distance emanating from a place called HOPE... Start looking at how you will travel to that place instead of why you can't!!!
With Love and Hope
Ashley :)
Hi, Sara . . . I'm not a doctor, but I have to say that I think you sound seriously depressed. I've had major depression for most of my life, so I know what that can sound like. It really worries me when you say you wish you were dead. (Actually, you said "I was I was dead," but I suspect that's what you meant.) I live in the US, so I don't really know how the NHS works, but is there a way you can get in to see a therapist who works with people who are depressed? I know that it would be better to work with someone who is also a gender therapist, but if you have to wait a very long time or drive a very long way to see such a person, then taking what you can get while you wait for something better might be a good option. I don't think the therapist would lock you up. In the US, anyway, you have to be in immediate danger of hurting yourself or someone else before they can commit you. Just wishing you were dead isn't enough. And if you are in immediate danger, being "locked up" isn't always such a bad thing when your life is on the line. I've been inpatient plenty of times, and I have usually been treated with kindness and compassion.
PM me any time--I check in about once a day, or every other day at the least.
Failure.? No, not in my eyes. You've worked out who you are, you are taking steps to move towards that, and now in part you are let down by the health care process - don't blame yourself for that.
Go talk to your GP. Lay it all out, they will probably prescribe some medication to help you feel less wretched, and there's good science behind getting outside and doing some activity to stop things feeling quite so bad - there's no reason not to enjoy those mountains...
(Hugs)
Rowan
WARNING, Well is was bound to happen to me at some point soon.
Basically I took a razor blade to my arms & then if that wasn't enough in stood on a chair with a cord around my neck, lucky/unlucky the cord broke.
stupidity I text my my only male friend telling him to look after his family next think I knew I had a gang of police man/woman smashing my door down (because I would not open up) so now in hospital with stitches in my arms, I can't stop crying its almost uncontrollably sorry sisters but its become all too much for me.
I feel like I,ve let some of you down, when I get out I,m being set up with a local LGBT group (funny as all the internet searching nothing came up) but I,m beyond that now, spoke to the ex wife she thinks I,m some sort of weirdo claiming the marriage was always a lie I have never felt this alone in my life when I get out I will probably just try it again, sorry I,m just an hopeless case. Sara😥
Sara, I'm so sorry to hear this, but I'm glad the relevant services are helping you to get well again. Focus on yourself, build up your resilience and please keep positive and well. X
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I realized now I was destined to die in this horrible shell of mine not the woman of my dreams. Sara
stern words from aunty Davina , SO tell the docs why and how you feel your in the right place to get help .XXXXXXXX.and hugs
You may not want to hear this Sara but this is WONDERFUL NEWS. I've been there and it's a place from which you can now finally, if you choose, begin anew. It may not seem like it now but hitting rock bottom is the VERY BEST PLACE WE CAN BE sometimes. That rope broke for a reason. Hold onto that.
My advice is to be as honest and open with your care providers as you can possibly be. Magic things are about to happen for you. Just be open and honest and let it happen. You will find that we humans are all about wanting to help eachother.
Also really sorry that happened but now you are getting help and help can do wonders. Be open to it, at least as open as you can. One thing i found out about being at my low points in life is when things were getting better i actually pushed back because a) i didn't trust it and b) i had grown strangely attached to my depressive state. Just one experience i can impart, it may not be yours.
Get better and take advantage of every help offered.
Yes....Robyn is right. Open your heart and mind to those that want to help and as Davina said, tell them what you need. Don't squander your opportunity. If they want you to speak with a Pysychiatrist, do so. And see if you can't get an anti-depressant to deal with all this overwhelming stuff in your life. Get well soon, Sweetie.
Quote from: coldHeart on June 28, 2017, 03:48:36 PM
I feel like I,ve let some of you down, when I get out I,m being set up with a local LGBT group (funny as all the internet searching nothing came up) but I,m beyond that now, spoke to the ex wife she thinks I,m some sort of weirdo claiming the marriage was always a lie I have never felt this alone in my life when I get out I will probably just try it again, sorry I,m just an hopeless case. Sara😥
You are no different than us. At one point, I was where you are now except at the very last minute, I realized I still had things to try. We may not be able to provide instant solutions to your problems but we can help you change things over time. Now you are in the hospital, be honest with the doctors. They may be able to connect you with resources that you haven't been able to access. Stay with us because we do care about you.
Also, if you need somebody to talk with, let us know. I suspect you may be able to talk with people over Skype or other messaging systems.
Quote from: coldHeart on June 28, 2017, 04:24:31 PM
I realized now I was destined to die in this horrible shell of mine not the woman of my dreams. Sara
Hi Sara,
We are all destined to die. Making it the longest time possible is our goal.
We all have times in our lives that are the most ugly we could ever face where all you can see is despair.
I was shown a technique to help when things are at their lowest and in times of stress and worry. Think of your life as a whole lot of shipping containers. Now place inside those containers all of the separate parts of your life both good and bad and lock all the doors. Now as you go forward, you can only open 1 container at a time. The container you open is the one you have information to help and once that has been done you then shut the door again.
This all sounds good but it does come with some hard work and practice. I practice this every day and every hour and each time it has become easier. The list of difficult things I face is huge with tight deadlines and difficult processes but I just do one thing at a time. Right now that is to offer as much help as I can, all the other containers are closed right now.
We are all here for you and we do not want to see you gone. Please try and focus on the good around you and inside of you only. Push the negative parts aside and lock them up.
Sending you massive feelings of good will and positiveness.
Sue. XO
Quote from: coldHeart on June 28, 2017, 03:48:36 PM
I feel like I,ve let some of you down, when I get out I,m being set up with a local LGBT group (funny as all the internet searching nothing came up) but I,m beyond that now, spoke to the ex wife she thinks I,m some sort of weirdo claiming the marriage was always a lie I have never felt this alone in my life when I get out I will probably just try it again, sorry I,m just an hopeless case. Sara😥
My Dear Sister Sara...
I was so sad to see this ... You are not beyond trying the LGBT Group!!!... You are reaching out to one when you post here and have you noticed how many of us here are trying to help you? It's because we care!!!...Whether or not you recognize it at this moment you are reaching out to us here because there is still hope inside you...
Most all of us that get here have been through some extremely dark moments in our lives... We know how bad it can be and if we can help others out of their suffering, we strive to do so!!!... We are at a distance so we must do what we can with our words of caring and hope
Your sisters here are all fighters... We fight ourselves for much of our lives and then we fight what society and others want us to be so we can find peace within ourselves....we want you to stand beside us and fight too!!!
You feel alone but your not... Look at all of us here reaching out and tell me that is what alone feels like.... You didn't know about the local group ... Maybe it can offer resources you hadn't considered... Maybe if you went... You'd meet the most important people in your life there... How will you know if you don't try? .... Please try....
In Love, Light and Hope
Ashley :)
I,m going to this local trans group in a couple of weeks with one of the leaders from the group & I,m bricking it, I've shut myself away from cis people let alone trans people I don't think I can do it, will I upset them will I make a fool of my self who do I go as! False or Real, this is so out of my depth, thought I might feel better to day but I still wanted to die sorry but I,m just so a lone. Sara
Quote from: coldHeart on June 29, 2017, 05:05:18 PM
I,m going to this local trans group in a couple of weeks with one of the leaders from the group & I,m bricking it, I've shut myself away from cis people let alone trans people I don't think I can do it, will I upset them will I make a fool of my self who do I go as! False or Real, this is so out of my depth, thought I might feel better to day but I still wanted to die sorry but I,m just so a lone. Sara
Sara!!!...
You have done my heart good... Despite the down note of your closing sentence, I am putting this one down as your most positive recent post! Hmmmm... Progress!!!...This is the step forward that we wanted to see... I applaud you sister for summoning up some of the fight inside you!!!... Some days we travel far and other days we crawl and progress is as slow as a glacier but we keep going forward!!!
Give no worry to " who " you go as... dress in whatever way you are comfortable... You are going there to make connections with others and tell them who you are and where you want to go in life ... Like your friends here, the people you meet may have ways to help you... and you may be able to help them as well....As I said in my previous post... You may meet the most important people you have ever met in your life there....
Go with your courage, an open mind and an open heart... Let a little more hope work its way in and bring out a little more of that fight that I know you have left in you!!!... Most of all... Recognize that you are not alone!!!
Your Loving Sister,
Ashley :)
Go to the meeting and enjoy yourself. I walked into my first group therapy meeting in full male drag and continued to do so for several months while I was learning enough to put up a presentable feminine image. It takes time to break down the barriers in your mind and a group is an excellent place to do that. Just be yourself and let them take the lead at first. Soon you will be helping others become comfortable in the group.
Quote from: coldHeart on June 29, 2017, 05:05:18 PM
I,m going to this local trans group in a couple of weeks with one of the leaders from the group & I,m bricking it, I've shut myself away from cis people let alone trans people I don't think I can do it, will I upset them will I make a fool of my self who do I go as! False or Real, this is so out of my depth, thought I might feel better to day but I still wanted to die sorry but I,m just so a lone. Sara
I felt the same way when I was in your shoes at a hospital after a suicide attempt. It took me awhile to shake those feelings but I did. You will too. It takes awhile. Just give it time. You have your meeting to look forward to and you are taking positive steps to get better now.
You must be feeling better , avatar picture and no broken camera. Full size would be nice as don't have a magnifying glass!!!!!!!
Sara,
Somehow I missed this thread possibly due to talking to you more directly. I have read it now and although I was saddened that you did what you felt you had to do I can only echo the other who've told you it was good that you wound up where you could talk to someone and get some help. This is no lees that what I had been imploring you to do. I was hopeful when you told me you were talking to someone and that you were going to a group. These things can only help Sara.
I also noticed your recent avatar change and took it as a positive change. I do hope you are being open and honest with the group and the counselor/therapist? you are talking to. I hope you are feeling better about yourself and have put these self destructive thoughts behind you. I want you to live, more than that I want you to live the life that you desire to live. Getting help is your path to doing so. So while you have the opportunity to talk with someone and work towards that end please do so.
I'm still here for you Sara. PM me whenever you feel you need an ear to bend.
love ya, Sara. Hang in there girl.
Hugs,
Laurie
Quote from: coldHeart on June 26, 2017, 04:12:44 PM
Than you all for your kind worlds
I just feel so utterly depressed with the whole situation at the moment I really don't know which way to turn I,ve looking up local trans groups but the nearest is over 70 miles away. Sara
When the time came for me to take the Trans-Beast on for real I was freshly relocated from a 10 mile drive to Times Square New York City to rural West Virginia, also known as Hillbilly country. Just behind my house are 2 others, one of which flies a Confederate flag. I know somewhat of the quandary you are in by living in a village.
The nearest TG support group for me was some 90 miles away. Since we are all in a rural area the meetings were held on a Saturday night. Also on the positive side, being in an isolated area you can likely walk out the door, to you car, and drive off presenting anyway you want to without anyone even seeing.
Also please keep in mind that within a TG support group are others that know pretty much the trials and tribulations you have being TG and having to deal with "Life". All they really care about is helping you, no matter how you present.
The moderator of my group put it nicely during my interview.... "All we ask is for you to Be There. You don't have to talk. You don't have to present as female. Just come so others know they are not alone"
I know when I was depressed walking, especially up hills helped. Exercise releases endorphins and nature scenery helps significantly.
Get to a city. Start with visits. Have and agenda. Get to a support group and make friends. Meet with them before and after the group visit. Seek out job opportunities while at the city and do internet searches for jobs when at home.
Being trans requires us to try twice as hard and never give up. It will happen, it takes time and a lot of effort. When we achieve a victory, and there will be victories, savor it and live in the victory.
There is advise my therapist told me. Focus on the now, not the past or too far in the future. Transition takes time, set realistic goals and steps to achieve the goals.
The past is painful, do not live there. Get out and get some exercise and endorphins. When confronted with negatives do not let them in, deflect them, block them and diminish their value.
set one realistic goal and the steps to achieve it now and do it.
Look back on all you have been through, how strong you are to be trans and survive and realize the future will be better.
Get into community.
Sara you updated your avatar again, and you look GREAT! Davina is right, your recent photo update a few days ago was nice but difficult to see. Problem solved.
I am very worried about you but also glad you seem to be heading in a good direction in the past week. I really really hope you can get to the local group meeting a week from now, and get some much-needed medical care to bridge the gap between now and your HRT day.
Sara you look wonderful. XXX Davina
I,m to my first trans group meeting tomorrow & I,m already a bag of nerves, thank you everyone but you don't have to say I look great because big know I don't.
Sara
Quit beating yourself up Sara. You look cute as hell in your avatar and besides, we have the rest of the world to kick our asses. It doesn't deserve or need our help. ;)
Quote from: coldHeart on July 09, 2017, 05:03:29 PM
I,m to my first trans group meeting tomorrow & I,m already a bag of nerves, thank you everyone but you don't have to say I look great because big know I don't.
Sara
BE Strong. BE You. And Always remember, EVERYONE there is non-judgemental
Sara I agree with some things but not everything. Ya look great!
Best wishes for group meeting tomorrow. Joanne is right.
I am soooo glad you are going. I know at the moment it might seem overwhelming, but you will feel better building additional connections. We are all there with you.
Dear Sara!!!
I'm so excited about all that lays ahead for you... I has been so great to see you opening up to the possibilities that life holds and finding the hope and strength within. I'm so proud of you!!!... Like it or not...You are blossoming girl :)!!!!!...
Looking forward to hearing all that tomorrow brings!!!
btw... I think you need to change this thread title to " I WILL SUCCEED!!! "
Hugs and Love!!!
Ashley :)
Well the idea is to wear my male clothes on top of my female ones as I,m not out to anyone who dose not live with me THE PUBLIC all tho I,ve been wears woman's jeans trainers for years due to having size 5 feet & 5.2" height but I plan on wearing some thing better than jeans, no one apart from you ladies have ever seen the real me not even the ex wife so it will be the first time or the last time because I can't face it then there's no point taking my transition any further & the the alternative is well...
Ashley I might change it to " I will survive" sure that's a song or "the art of falling apart" now that is a song.
Sara
What you wear to the meeting isn't as important as showing up. Just wear something. Total nudity is probably not allowed but I have only attended meetings in Seattle. ;)
Okay Sister,
I will accept... " I Will Survive" for now!!!....
Don't worry too much about wardrobe for tomorrow... This will be about meeting the group!...getting to know them and letting them get to know you!!!...Wear what makes you comfortable so you can give things your full attention!!!... All will be well :)
Ashley :)
Sara,
Go to the meeting dressed however you feel comfortable. It is not important what you wear this time or the next or the next. What is important is that you go. That you go with an open attitude and an outlook that it can help you, Hon. You are not going to show yourself off to the world. You are going to find support for your transition issues, for help coping with the problems you face and Sara, you are going to possibly help someone else. Go with an open mind and be honest.
Hugs,
Laurie
Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk
Kendra you have ruined the surprise now oh well the birthday suit will have to wait.
Your right Ashley Worrying about what to wear is the least of the problems.
Sara