I have failed

[The Flying Lemur]

Hi, Sara . . . I'm not a doctor, but I have to say that I think you sound seriously depressed.  I've had major depression for most of my life, so I know what that can sound like.  It really worries me when you say you wish you were dead.  (Actually, you said "I was I was dead," but I suspect that's what you meant.)  I live in the US, so I don't really know how the NHS works, but is there a way you can get in to see a therapist who works with people who are depressed?  I know that it would be better to work with someone who is also a gender therapist, but if you have to wait a very long time or drive a very long way to see such a person, then taking what you can get while you wait for something better might be a good option.  I don't think the therapist would lock you up.  In the US, anyway, you have to be in immediate danger of hurting yourself or someone else before they can commit you.  Just wishing you were dead isn't enough.  And if you are in immediate danger, being "locked up" isn't always such a bad thing when your life is on the line.  I've been inpatient plenty of times, and I have usually been treated with kindness and compassion. 

PM me any time--I check in about once a day, or every other day at the least. 

[Sno]

Failure.? No, not in my eyes. You've worked out who you are, you are taking steps to move towards that, and now in part you are let down by the health care process - don't blame yourself for that.

Go talk to your GP. Lay it all out, they will probably prescribe some medication to help you feel less wretched, and there's good science behind getting outside and doing some activity to stop things feeling quite so bad - there's no reason not to enjoy those mountains...

(Hugs)

Rowan

[coldHeart]

WARNING, Well is was bound to happen to me at some point soon.
Basically I took a razor blade to my arms & then if that wasn't enough in stood on a chair with a cord around my neck, lucky/unlucky the cord broke.
stupidity I text my my only male friend telling him to look after his family next think I knew I had a gang of police man/woman smashing my door down (because I would not open up) so now in hospital with stitches in my arms, I can't stop crying its almost uncontrollably sorry sisters but its become all too much for me.
I feel like I,ve let some of you down, when I get out I,m being set up with a local LGBT group (funny as all the internet searching nothing came up) but I,m beyond that now, spoke to the ex wife she thinks I,m some sort of weirdo claiming the marriage was always a lie  I have never felt this alone in my life when I get out I will probably just try it again, sorry I,m just an hopeless case. Sara😥

[Megan.]

Sara,  I'm so sorry to hear this,  but I'm glad the relevant services are helping you to get well again. Focus on yourself,  build up your resilience and please keep positive and well.  X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[coldHeart]

I realized now I was destined to die in this horrible shell of mine not the woman of my dreams. Sara

[davina61]

stern words from aunty Davina , SO tell the docs why and how you feel your in the right place to get help .XXXXXXXX.and hugs

[Janes Groove]

You may not want to hear this Sara but this is WONDERFUL NEWS.  I've been there and it's a place from which you can now finally, if you choose, begin anew.  It may not seem like it now but hitting rock bottom is the VERY BEST PLACE WE CAN BE sometimes.  That rope broke for a reason. Hold onto that.

My advice is to be as honest and open with your care providers as you can possibly be. Magic things are about to happen for you.  Just be open and honest and let it happen.  You will find that we humans are all about wanting to help eachother.

[RobynD]

Also really sorry that happened but now you are getting help and help can do wonders. Be open to it, at least as open as you can. One thing i found out about being at my low points in life is when things were getting better i actually pushed back because a) i didn't trust it and b) i had grown strangely attached to my depressive state. Just one experience i can impart, it may not be yours.

Get better and take advantage of every help offered.

[jentay1367]

Yes....Robyn is right. Open your heart and mind to those that want to help and as Davina said, tell them what you need.  Don't squander your opportunity.  If they want you to speak with a Pysychiatrist, do so. And see if you can't get an anti-depressant to deal with all this overwhelming stuff in your life. Get well soon, Sweetie.

[Dena]

I feel like I,ve let some of you down, when I get out I,m being set up with a local LGBT group (funny as all the internet searching nothing came up) but I,m beyond that now, spoke to the ex wife she thinks I,m some sort of weirdo claiming the marriage was always a lie  I have never felt this alone in my life when I get out I will probably just try it again, sorry I,m just an hopeless case. Sara😥

You are no different than us. At one point, I was where you are now except at the very last minute, I realized I still had things to try. We may not be able to provide instant solutions to your problems but we can help you change things over time. Now you are in the hospital, be honest with the doctors. They may be able to connect you with resources that you haven't been able to access. Stay with us because we do care about you.

Also, if you need somebody to talk with, let us know. I suspect you may be able to talk with people over Skype or other messaging systems.

[SueNZ]

I realized now I was destined to die in this horrible shell of mine not the woman of my dreams. Sara

Hi Sara,
We are all destined to die. Making it the longest time possible is our goal.
We all have times in our lives that are the most ugly we could ever face where all you can see is despair.
I was shown a technique to help when things are at their lowest and in times of stress and worry. Think of your life as a whole lot of shipping containers. Now place inside those containers all of the separate parts of your life both good and bad and lock all the doors. Now as you go forward, you can only open 1 container at a time. The container you open is the one you have information to help and once that has been done you then shut the door again.
This all sounds good but it does come with some hard work and practice. I practice this every day and every hour and each time it has become easier. The list of difficult things I face is huge with tight deadlines and difficult processes but I just do one thing at a time. Right now that is to offer as much help as I can, all the other containers are closed right now.

We are all here for you and we do not want to see you gone. Please try and focus on the good around you and inside of you only. Push the negative parts aside and lock them up.

Sending you massive feelings of good will and positiveness.

Sue. XO

[tgirlamg]

I feel like I,ve let some of you down, when I get out I,m being set up with a local LGBT group (funny as all the internet searching nothing came up) but I,m beyond that now, spoke to the ex wife she thinks I,m some sort of weirdo claiming the marriage was always a lie  I have never felt this alone in my life when I get out I will probably just try it again, sorry I,m just an hopeless case. Sara😥

My Dear Sister Sara...

I was so sad to see this ... You are not beyond trying the LGBT Group!!!... You are reaching out to one when you post here and have you noticed how many of us here are trying to help you? It's because we care!!!...Whether or not you recognize it at this moment you are reaching out to us here because there is still hope inside you...

Most all of us that get here have been through some extremely dark moments in our lives... We know how bad it can be and if we can help others out of their suffering, we strive to do so!!!... We are at a distance so we must do what we can with our words of caring and hope

Your sisters here are all fighters... We fight ourselves for much of our lives and then we fight what society and others want us to be so we can find peace within ourselves....we want you to stand beside us and fight too!!!

You feel alone but your not... Look at all of us here reaching out and tell me that is what alone feels like....  You didn't know about the local group ... Maybe it can offer resources you hadn't considered... Maybe if you went... You'd meet the most important people in your life there... How will you know if you don't try? .... Please try....

In Love, Light and Hope

Ashley

[coldHeart]

I,m going to this local trans group in a couple of weeks with one  of the leaders from the group & I,m bricking it, I've shut myself away from cis  people let alone trans people I don't think I can do it, will I upset them will I make a fool of my self who do I go as! False or Real, this is so out of my depth, thought I might feel better to day but I still wanted to die sorry but I,m just so a lone. Sara

[tgirlamg]

I,m going to this local trans group in a couple of weeks with one  of the leaders from the group & I,m bricking it, I've shut myself away from cis  people let alone trans people I don't think I can do it, will I upset them will I make a fool of my self who do I go as! False or Real, this is so out of my depth, thought I might feel better to day but I still wanted to die sorry but I,m just so a lone. Sara

Sara!!!...

You have done my heart good... Despite the down note of your closing sentence, I am putting this one down as your most positive recent post! Hmmmm... Progress!!!...This is the step forward that we wanted to see... I applaud you sister for summoning up some of the fight inside you!!!... Some days we travel far and other days we crawl and progress is as slow as a glacier but we keep going forward!!!

Give no worry to " who " you go as... dress in whatever way you are comfortable... You are going there to make connections with others and tell them who you are and where you want to go in life ... Like your friends here, the people you meet may have ways to help you... and you may be able to help them as well....As I said in my previous post... You may meet the most important people you have ever met in your life there....

Go with your courage, an open mind and an open heart... Let a little more hope work its way in and bring out a little more of that fight that I know you have left in you!!!... Most of all... Recognize that you are not alone!!!

Your Loving Sister,

Ashley

[Dena]

Go to the meeting and enjoy yourself. I walked into my first group therapy meeting in full male drag and continued to do so for several months while I was learning enough to put up a presentable feminine image. It takes time to break down the barriers in your mind and a group is an excellent place to do that. Just be yourself and let them take the lead at first. Soon you will be helping others become comfortable in the group.

[Janes Groove]

I,m going to this local trans group in a couple of weeks with one  of the leaders from the group & I,m bricking it, I've shut myself away from cis  people let alone trans people I don't think I can do it, will I upset them will I make a fool of my self who do I go as! False or Real, this is so out of my depth, thought I might feel better to day but I still wanted to die sorry but I,m just so a lone. Sara

I felt the same way when I was in your shoes at a hospital after a suicide attempt.  It took me awhile to shake those feelings but I did. You will too.  It takes awhile. Just give it time. You have your meeting to look forward to and you are taking positive steps to get better now.

[davina61]

You must be feeling better , avatar picture and no broken camera. Full size would be nice as don't have a magnifying glass!!!!!!!

[Laurie]

Sara,

  Somehow I missed this thread possibly due to talking to you more directly. I have read it now and although I was saddened that you did what you felt you had to do I can only echo the other who've told you it was good that you wound up where you could talk to someone and get some help. This is no lees that what I had been imploring you to do. I was hopeful when you told me you were talking to someone and that you were going to a group. These things can only help Sara.
  I also noticed your recent avatar change and took it as a positive change. I do hope you are being open and honest with the group and the counselor/therapist? you are talking to. I hope you are feeling better about yourself and have put these self destructive thoughts behind you. I want you to live, more than that I want you to live the life that you desire to live. Getting help is your path to doing so.  So while you have the opportunity to talk with someone and work towards that end please do so.
   I'm still here for you Sara. PM me whenever you feel you need an ear to bend.

  love ya, Sara. Hang in there girl.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

[JoanneB]

Than you all for your kind worlds
I just feel so utterly depressed with the whole situation at the moment I really don't know which way to turn I,ve looking up local trans groups but the nearest is over 70 miles away. Sara

When the time came for me to take the Trans-Beast on for real I was freshly relocated from a 10 mile drive to Times Square New York City to rural West Virginia, also known as Hillbilly country. Just behind my house are 2 others, one of which flies a Confederate flag.  I know somewhat of the quandary you are in by living in a village.

The nearest TG support group for me was some 90 miles away. Since we are all in a rural area the meetings were held on a Saturday night. Also on the positive side, being in an isolated area you can likely walk out the door, to you car, and drive off presenting anyway you want to without anyone even seeing.

Also please keep in mind that within a TG support group are others that know pretty much the trials and tribulations you have being TG and having to deal with "Life". All they really care about is helping you, no matter how you present.

The moderator of my group put it nicely during my interview.... "All we ask is for you to Be There. You don't have to talk. You don't have to present as female. Just come so others know they are not alone"

[Rachel]

I know when I was depressed walking, especially up hills helped. Exercise releases endorphins and nature scenery helps significantly.

Get to a city. Start with visits. Have and agenda. Get to a support group and make friends. Meet with them before and after the group visit. Seek out job opportunities while at the city and do internet searches for jobs when at home.

Being trans requires us to try twice as hard and never give up. It will happen, it takes time and a lot of effort. When we achieve a victory, and there will be victories, savor it and live in the victory.

There is advise my therapist told me. Focus on the now, not the past or too far in the future. Transition takes time, set realistic goals and steps to achieve the goals.

The past is painful, do not live there. Get out and get some exercise and endorphins. When confronted with negatives do not let them in, deflect them, block them and  diminish their value.

set one realistic goal and the steps to achieve it now and do it.

Look back on all you have been through, how strong you are to be trans and survive and realize the future will be better.

Get into community.