First ..thank you to Lori Dee and Sarah B for welcoming me after my first post. I submitted a quick short post on Introductions. I have met with my therapist because of the anguish of living the Soap Opera "Lee is a male". My first step that has took a bit of pain away was having a therapist address me as female and treat me as one. From a female perspective, I am starting to understand more of myself. I do have male chromosomes so I have features that turn my stomach when I see myself. I started some herbs to help with prostate issues. My family physician is advising me. I love the sde results. I had a dermatologist full body scan last week and she remarked how beautiful my skin was. I visited a funeral home to pay respects and a lady said in front of a large group that I had the same complection as 30 yr ago when she had last seen me. She asked that I share my secrets. I do take care of myself, don't smoke, no drugs,eat good, exercise,..etc. From 55 yr of long physical hours working, I do not see anything feminine in my features which contributes to severe dysphoria. I don't know the future for myself yet but I do know I am female and I can live with that fact...in fact I am rather excited and happy with the inside. I don't know of any cis-people that are completely happy with the outside. As I try to take good care of my body, I plan to start taking some time to invest in my physical feminine side too. I love people and I value listening. My wealth is gaged by the people in my life. I hope to increase my wealth on this website getting to know some of you beautiful people.
Many hugs,
Lee
@Louis
Dear Lee:I enjoyed following your story and reading your "Louis is female" thread.
As you read many of the topics and threads here on the Forum you will find
a wealth of information that will help you as you continue in your journey.
My suggestion for you is that you can consider your thread as your new Blog thread
here on the Forum where you can share your life endeavors... and importantly, this
can become your HOME here where your new friends here will be able to find
you and leave their comments and thoughts.
***I have therefore moved your thread to the "Member Blogs" section of the Forum.
I am eagerly looking forward to seeing and reading your future postings here
on your Blog thread and elsewhere around the Susan's Place Forum.
If you have any questions about how the Forum works always feel free to ask
any of our staff.
Many HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator
Although I don't agree my gender ID is the same as conditioning, it is fair to say that acknowledgement of my gender is a basic early step to head down the path of living with gender dysphoria. I had an argument with my wife yesterday. She concluded that I cannot make physical changes without her approval as we have a 50/50 marriage license. She is hurt by my coming out to her. My brain is on a see saw that understands her pain. I need to find a way to deal with my hurt to avoid downplaying her hurt. Is stopping my brain the solution to stopping dysphoria?
Acknowledging your gender is very much the first step. You must be true to yourself or you will never find happiness. Your wife's refusal to accept who you are is rather selfish, don't you think? You have a medical condition, for which you are seeking treatment, and she is not okay with that? Doesn't she want you to be happy?
I guess that she is more concerned about herself than you. She is worried that you will change as a person. You won't. You will still be the same person, just with some changes in physical appearance. Is she only attracted to your appearance, or does she love the person inside? She may be worried that if people see you as a couple, people will think she is a lesbian. Again, thinking about herself. In a 50/50 marriage, I believe some of those vows were to love each other no matter what. The whole "in sickness and in health til death do you part". Maybe people don't say those things anymore.
My suggestion would be to ask her to join you in a visit to the therapist. Not for her to get counseling, but so that she can ask questions that she needs answers to. Questions that you might not be able to answer.
You also need to give her a chance to adjust. Let her see that you are still the same person. It takes time to adjust to major life changes, and it is true that when she met you, she had no idea that this was on the menu. Help her understand. Give her time to adjust. If she can't then that only means that she is not willing to.
We have many members here who began their transition after they had been married for a while. Some made it work because they truly love each other. When the relationship is based on other things (physical attraction, money, property, children, etc.) the strain can become too much.
It is important to understand that YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You were born this way. Gender dysphoria does not go away and often gets worse as we get older. How we handle it is unique to each of us. You can do this. Just hang in there.
Hugs!
Listen to Lori. She is incredibly wise and insightful. Her advice comes from a life lived. Take what she says to heart because she's been there and, needless to say, I agree with everything she says.
"All of the above" lol.
Hi Louis It sounds like you are still in the process of understanding your identity and taking positive steps forward which is great to hear. You're already doing an incredible job by recognizing the excitement and happiness that comes from embracing who you are on the inside despite the dysphoria you feel about your appearance.
First it's important to acknowledge that your dysphoria is real, but it does not define you or your journey. Take me for instance, I always wanted or longed to be a female, however I was lucky that it never affected me and over time things changed and eventually I changed my life around. You are doing a great job of taking care of yourself and it's great to hear the affirmations you have received from others about your skin and overall health. Taking pride in doing these steps is something you can feel more aligned with yourself. If you are ready perhaps small manageable steps toward exploring your feminine side could help you build confidence.
Regarding your relationship with your wife you are clearly trying to be compassionate and understanding of her feelings. The "seesaw" you describe is a difficult balance but the key lies in honest communication. There are members here, Lori Dee, SoupSarah, Robbyv213, Susan_Rose and LurkinLiz to name a few, who have gone or going through what you are experiencing now. I'm sure they will help you and reading their stories will also too. It might help to remind her that your journey while deeply personal does not diminish your partnership, love or your care for her.
It's also helpful to remind yourself that dysphoria won't simply "stop," and if you bury it again, inevitably it will return with a vengeance. If there was a cure for this dysphoria, we would know about it. However, there are ways to manage it. It might not be about stopping what you are thinking, but rather finding moments of peace, where your dysphoria does not have as strong hold on you. Those moments might come from therapy self expression as a female or even sharing with others in this community.
Give yourself time Louis. You are navigating an incredibly complex path. You have already shown strength by seeking support and sharing your story and that's a powerful foundation to keep building on. We are here to help you on your journey.
Take care and all the best for the future
Best Wishes AlwaysSarah BGlobal Moderator@Lori Dee@Susan_Rose@LurkinLiz@Robbyv213@SoupSarah
Also listen to Sarah. She and Lori are like the shamanistic wise women of the site. They both have priceless advice.
Hi Louis I'm back! Not for long however, I just wanted to say a couple of things that are worth mentioning or better still to emphasis what Lori said (in purple) and that was:
Quote from: Lori Dee on October 25, 2024, 03:08:48 PMIt is important to understand that YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You were born this way. Gender dysphoria does not go away and often gets worse as we get older. How we handle it is unique to each of us. You can do this. Just hang in there.
The other thing is that gender is innate in all of us. In our case either nature stuffed up or the environment (tablets) affected us when we were born. Yes there also is also social gendering occurring as well. I don't care what happened to me at that time, I love just being me.
I did not learn anything about this until I came to Susan's in 2010 and I was naïve up until that point in time and this occurred 20 years after my surgery. So there is plenty of information here on Susan's that will help you no end.
Also, please take note of what Sephirah says she also is full of wisdom!
Take care and all the best
Best Wishes AlwaysSarah BGlobal Moderator@Lori Dee@Sephirah @Louis
I don't really have much to say since I have never been married, so I have never had to deal with that dynamic. But I know from listening to countless people here that... when you give half of yourself to someone else, that is a big thing. For both them and you. It stops just being one life, and starts being two lives.
The only thing I can really say to you honey, is that... honesty is the foundation for everything. And I don't just mean honesty with regard to coming out to people. I mean honesty with regard to who you are. If you lie to yourself, you can't ever feel like you're telling the truth to anyone else. It colours your whole world. It colours how you see yourself, other people... everything. You have to be okay with yourself before you can start being okay with those around you. Becoming a machine, unfeeling, just to stop someone else hurting... is not the answer. You turn off the best thing about yourself. The thing that makes anyone love you to begin with.
You aren't protecting someone by ignoring how you feel. Ultimately you're sowing the seeds of stuff down the road. Because things fester. They live like thorns in your brain. Ultimately you have to deal with them, for good or ill. Because everyone in this world has the right to be themselves. And to be loved or hated for being themselves. A mask only works until the straps holding it on... until they fail. Which they inevitably do. Until the charade falls away.
With only a few days on line I have found a wealth of good advice already. I have struggled inside my mind and I listened to so many people over the years tell me that people with gender issues are just mentally sick. I created a male personality and then lived it for 55ish years. I have been so unhappy. When I read your notes I started to cry. My male influence said stop crying and the female inside me was so happy to make contact that I chose to cry some more and read the notes again. I have plotted 4 plans to end my agony. Maybe I can burn those plans some day out of my mind and begin to live as me. Nobody will really notice anything different as the male and female sides have the same values, goals, interests, etc. Is it worth it? Will living female cause more dysphoria? Do I have the mental strength? And many other questions. For now, I want to live one day at a time. Thank you all again for your replies, likes, and thanks. One more insight is I have lived/worked construction with some of the roughest men you can imagine. One example was a man that worked all day...no breaks...when he needed to go 1 or 2 he just went in his clothes and kept working. I am terrified these coworkers would persecute me. I retired 1 1/2yr ago but these guys are the only friends I have made. I don't feel I can talk to anyone. No family, no friends, have any knowledge of my true self.
Hugs to you all for your notes. Know that I have read them all carefully. I trust and respect you all. I am not sure if I am up to the challenge or the level that you all have achieved.
Louis.
Maybe I should have used my given name (Lee) as it is gender neutral. I have always dreamed to change the spelling to Leigh it is the same yet maybe a new me. I will stop rambling now. Maybe I am over my head and should just go back to the male act.
Quote from: Louis on October 26, 2024, 05:26:54 PMHugs to you all for your notes. Know that I have read them all carefully. I trust and respect you all. I am not sure if I am up to the challenge or the level that you all have achieved.
You are capable of miracles, sweetie. Don't ever measure yourself by someone else's standards. Only your own, okay? Only you know the place you can be happy. What that means to you. It's different for everyone. Be you, and be happy. Don't ever think you have to be someone else. They would likely look at your life and think they could not do it. :) Aim for being you. Only you. We all face different challenges, honey. You can only do what you can do, and live your own life.
The truth in all this isn't being an ideal. It's being you. *hugs*
The only person you have to be, is you. Just by being here and talking about this, you've shown you have it inside you to be where you want to be.
"Every journey begins with a single step."
We all started somewhere. Many of us started in worse situations than you. You can do it.
If you want something bad enough, you will figure out how to get it done. Make a plan. That means figuring out what you want and then figuring out how to get there. It is easy to just give up and go back to the old ways, but if that does not make you happy why go back?
"If you keep doing what you are doing you will keep getting what you are getting."
Change is never easy. We want to stay in our comfort zone even if it is uncomfortable. One of our members here says that "everything you desire is on the other side of fear." Push through the fear and you can embark on a wonderful adventure. It's new and exciting, and at times can be scary. There will be ups and downs. You have a therapist to help you through that and all of us here to cheer you on.
Hang in there. You got this.
Accepting myself as female has made questions surface.... hmmmm here is a weird one. While raking leaves this morning I got to thinking...If my true gender is female....would I have had children if I was born CIS female?
The answer came to me fast YES! I remember dressing up as female when real young. I would borrow my older sisters clothes and stuff them to make me look pregnant. I would also borrow a doll and stuff a bra with socks and then pretend I was nursing the doll. This might be to much info for some but to me it validates what was going through my brain during those years. Was I born with a female gender????,, I believe yes.
Louis
Started working on feminizing my walk. I want to progress on as much as I can right now. I have not started and hormones or coaching yet. I don't have wife's support so it is hard to just bull my way through this. I know inside that I need to be true to myself but I have always been a "marshmallow". That is a person who is squishy to others directives rather than my own. I figure I can still work on things. I was beat down by parents, adults, peers, while growing up and never stood up for myself. My older sister made a comment at my high school graduation that has stuck with me for 50 yr. She said "why do you always walk bent over? You should lift your head". Been working on my walk, stature, posture, so as I come out I don't tuck my tail when confronted with negativism. Head level, eye to eye contact, back with a slight curve, chest out a bit, butt out a bit, arms and hands comfortable, and legs showing a relaxed secure pose. One of my better traits is not hiding from a challenge and persevering to accomplish something worth while.
Many hugs,
Louis
Do some people-watching. Not all women sway their hips.
Typically, women have a more relaxed walk. Stand straight, chest out, head level. Point your toes forward not out to the side. Keep elbows tucked at your side and let your arms swing away from your body with your wrists facing forward. Don't sway your shoulders, the sway will naturally move to your hips. Men tend to walk moving their feet farther forward with each step, which leads to leaning forward and swaying with their shoulders. Taking shorter steps and walking with your feet extending further behind you rather than in front of you is easier when standing straight. (That's hard to describe).
There are some YouTube videos where a doctor demonstrates the differences between "male walking vs female walking". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jwpb60C2v6A
Quote from: Lori Dee on October 29, 2024, 10:23:58 AMDo some people-watching. Not all women sway their hips.
Typically, women have a more relaxed walk.
Lori,
Thank you for the tips and video. I will keep practicing. I laughed almost to tears on the statement that women have a more relaxed walk. My walk is not "relaxed" yet LOL. It is fun to work on and I will get there. I'm pretty entertaining now. :D ;D
Practiced walking today. Need some more practice and then need to record to see how it looks. Having trouble with excitement.. this means I get ahead of myself. Need to keep expectations a bit slower. I'm OK with goals but the time seems long. Need to put a sticker on the mirror that good things are worth waiting for.
Wife is having a medical procedure so I will be a bit scarce as I will be a nurse for a few days.
Many hugs,
MsLeigh
Quote from: MsLeigh on October 30, 2024, 08:01:31 PMWife is having a medical procedure so I will be a bit scarce as I will be a nurse for a few days.
We hope all goes well.
Take the time you need. We will be here when you return.
Love the new name Leigh. So much to learn or relearn. How to walk, talk, smile, table manners...... Enjoy!
Quote from: Lori Dee on October 30, 2024, 08:34:34 PMWe hope all goes well.
Take the time you need. We will be here when you return.
Thanks, I passed some time blogging while in the waiting room. All went well, heading home soon.
I apologize if I am wearing you out. I'm hooked on this site!! Feels like a new toy for Christmas. Maybe I will get tired and put it away..... hahaha.. >:-) >:-) :laugh: Don't hold your breath quite yet. I love the connections.
Hugs,
Leigh
@MsLeigh Dear MsLeigh:
I am so very glad to read that you are enjoying our site. There is not only a wealth of information here but the other thing that our members enjoy is the personal stories that our members share with each other.
Many of our members develop warm friendships here.
I am eagerly looking forward to you future sharing around the Forum.
HUGS, Danielle
Quote from: MsLeigh on October 31, 2024, 11:27:26 AMThanks, I passed some time blogging while in the waiting room. All went well, heading home soon.
I apologize if I am wearing you out. I'm hooked on this site!! Feels like a new toy for Christmas. Maybe I will get tired and put it away..... hahaha.. >:-) >:-) :laugh: Don't hold your breath quite yet. I love the connections.
Hugs,
Leigh
Quote from: MsLeigh on October 28, 2024, 03:00:51 PMAccepting myself as female has made questions surface.... hmmmm here is a weird one. While raking leaves this morning I got to thinking...If my true gender is female....would I have had children if I was born CIS female?
The answer came to me fast YES! I remember dressing up as female when real young. I would borrow my older sisters clothes and stuff them to make me look pregnant. I would also borrow a doll and stuff a bra with socks and then pretend I was nursing the doll. This might be to much info for some but to me it validates what was going through my brain during those years. Was I born with a female gender????,, I believe yes.
Louis
Why wouldn't you want kids? What difference does your gender make? Some people just want to be parents. Listen, you don't have to justify this to yourself. Having different bits in different places doesn't change your desire to have a family. To pass on your legacy to the world. If that's what you want then that's what you want. If it means you do it with what you have then that's what happens. Don't ever let that be playing on your mind when it comes to deciding who you are, okay?
You don't need to justify this in any way, okay? You don't need to look for reasons why you are who you are. You don't need to validate it anymore than any other woman has to validate themselves. You just
are, in whatever way you want to be. You get to choose. You get to decide the course of your life. And you don't have to prove it to anyone.
Being true to yourself isn't necessarily about mimicking how other people do something. Sure, if that's what you want, if it makes you happy... go for it. But the most important thing, the thing that everything else in your life will spring from, is just self acceptance. As Ghandi said: "Be the change you want to see in the world." Be your own woman. Not everywoman. :)
Notice to readers:
The member's original username Louis aka: Lee was changed to MsLeigh
ref: Changing Your Name on the Forum
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,196460.msg2285462.html#msg2285462
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator
A new day today: After the last few days of ultimatum from my wife I am having bad thoughts again. I have not been successful at convincing her that I am me. I don't intend to change my insides (like personality) or to do something drastic physically before I am "ready". This is not an overnight thing. Yesterday him and today her is not my intent. I have always been her but I portrayed as him. I don't want the portrayal to be without thought or purpose. As I don't have an ally that I have come out to I am writing to get this off my chest. It is time to evaluate options. Not a fun time at all. My wife was my best friend and it feels like I lost her. I understand fully the hurt she went through. It has been around a year and she has not overcome the hurt. I'm wrangling with how long we need to go before I move on. Feelings of being conceited and "all about Leigh" are hard to deal with.
Apt with therapist this afternoon. Need to be positive!!!
MsLeigh
Well some bad days are followed by good days. I told my first family member that I was female. She was welcoming and supportive. She told her husband and he gave me full support too. They invited me to visit and stay with them for a few days because they love me and want to hear more of my story. Great start and things will get better. Thanks to this sites members who gave me strength.
Big hugs,
Leigh
Quote from: MsLeigh on November 05, 2024, 07:31:01 AMA new day today: After the last few days of ultimatum from my wife I am having bad thoughts again. I have not been successful at convincing her that I am me. I don't intend to change my insides (like personality) or to do something drastic physically before I am "ready". This is not an overnight thing. Yesterday him and today her is not my intent. I have always been her but I portrayed as him. I don't want the portrayal to be without thought or purpose. As I don't have an ally that I have come out to I am writing to get this off my chest. It is time to evaluate options. Not a fun time at all. My wife was my best friend and it feels like I lost her. I understand fully the hurt she went through. It has been around a year and she has not overcome the hurt. I'm wrangling with how long we need to go before I move on. Feelings of being conceited and "all about Leigh" are hard to deal with.
Apt with therapist this afternoon. Need to be positive!!!
MsLeigh
Don't be discouraged, okay? It's not your job to convince someone of something, or explain something to someone to the degree they fundamentally understand it. Only
they can do that, honey. If they do, they do, if they don't they don't. All you can do is present the truth.
How you feel,
why you feel, and
what you feel.
As Morpheus said in "The Matrix": "I can only show you the door. You are the one who must walk through it."
Some people walk, some don't. And you have to accept that. With no blame, no hurt, no anger. Be honest with someone, give them all the information you can... but you have to leave it up to them to decide how to deal with it. You have to deal with their decision. The thing is, honey, you have to let people be them as much as they have to let you be you. If they can come to terms with this, and work out how to move forward then great. Fantastic! But if they can't, then you have to let them follow that path also. Because as much as you matter to you, they matter to them. The most important thing is communication, and trying to understand why someone feels the way they do, without trying to get them to feel something different just because you don't like it. This goes for your wife as much as you.
*hugs*
You do have allies, honey. <3
Quote from: Sephirah on November 08, 2024, 04:30:35 PMBecause as much as you matter to you, they matter to them.
Sephirah,
I was glad to see your note. It was uplifting. I am trying so hard to be understanding. I find myself always giving in to the other persons opinions. Words are words but it hurts to be told I am being unreasonable to believe I am female. "Just look at yourself, you are a male, act like it!" Then stopping my progress and going back to the old manly ways is difficult. There is nothing wrong with manly ways for men but I am finding it more and more uncomfortable to live that way. Too much roller coaster.
Leigh
Quote from: MsLeigh on November 08, 2024, 07:25:46 PMSephirah,
I was glad to see your note. It was uplifting. I am trying so hard to be understanding. I find myself always giving in to the other persons opinions. Words are words but it hurts to be told I am being unreasonable to believe I am female. "Just look at yourself, you are a male, act like it!" Then stopping my progress and going back to the old manly ways is difficult. There is nothing wrong with manly ways for men but I am finding it more and more uncomfortable to live that way. Too much roller coaster.
Leigh
Leigh, remember what I said in your intro. Criticism says more about the critic. People feel the way they do not because you feel the way you do about you, but because they feel the way they do about them. You
have to keep this in mind, okay?
People want you to "act like it" because if you don't, that threatens someone else's way of being. That's literally all it is. Spouses most of all. They thought they were marrying the image they had of you. And you can't blame them for that, you can't blame them for being upset. Someone who is not dealing with gender issues should not be expected to have to deal with it. Some do, most don't. But either way, it's not your fault, okay.
You can only be honest with them, and if they can't accept it, then
you have to accept that. What you don't have to accept is someone trying to make you be someone you're not, through guilt or anything else. Just to make you into who
they want you to be. That's not how this works, okay?
I do remember your other post and I read it again. Thank you. I agree with you and your advice. My struggle is my personality was formed around satisfying others. It was a SEVERE abusive childhood. I did not start to shake it until I was 50. Kind of embarrassing.
Leigh
No reason to be embarrassed. I am currently in therapy for PTSD due to an assault that happened in the mid-70s. Very often, the way that we cope with trauma is to stuff it away in a locked box in the back of a messy closet and forget about it.
As we get older, we are certain that we have moved on, but other life experiences remind us of what we locked away. Then slowly, things start creeping out of the box.
Originally, we (my doctors and psychologist) thought that my issues were related to my transition. Things did not improve because I was not dealing with the cause. But we didn't know what that cause was. My lab tests showed low hormone and vitamin levels, so we thought that was the issue. We fixed that, yet the symptoms continued.
It wasn't until I was speaking with my neighbor who was raped in the military that I began to wonder about the things I had locked away decades ago. I spoke to my psychologist about it and she did some PTSD screening tests. The tests are scored from 0 - 80 and I hit 66. So we changed gears and shifted my focus in that direction. I am 67 and just now dealing with two rapes that happened over 50 years ago.
I learned that "shaking it" is not the same as dealing with it. Learning is a lifelong experience and I have no doubts that I will still learn something new about myself when I am 70.
The important thing is that you understand how events shaped your behavior for good or bad. There is nothing wrong with considering the happiness of others. You just cannot do it at your own expense.
You must come first. Everyone else comes second because they need to realize that they need to look after themselves first, and you come second. If that makes sense.
Quote from: MsLeigh on November 08, 2024, 09:02:56 PMI do remember your other post and I read it again. Thank you. I agree with you and your advice. My struggle is my personality was formed around satisfying others. It was a SEVERE abusive childhood. I did not start to shake it until I was 50. Kind of embarrassing.
Leigh
It's not embarrassing at all, sweetie. And realising this is something you can work on dealing with. A good many people never realise the cause of the issues they face. Probably because they don't want to. It's something you can get over, and realise your own self-worth, okay? It's okay to be you. And satisfy yourself. My hope is that your journey will allow you to see that. *hugs* I think you've come a long way already. More than you probably thought you could. That's a testament to who you are.
Keep going! I am proud of you. <3
Quote from: Sephirah on November 08, 2024, 11:02:58 PMI think you've come a long way already. More than you probably thought you could. That's a testament to who you are.
Keep going! I am proud of you. <3
Sephirah and Lori
Been doing some self reflecting after your encouragement. I am coming along...I think.
As a child, I learned from abusive parents that I needed to be what they wanted. They admitted when I was older "We had kids to do work". I spent my life working to achieve approval. This included parents, employers, spouse, and anyone I felt was in a leader position. My wife does not approve of my decision to be myself. She wants me to be male. So I give in and stop my progress. I cannot stop and I will be my true self. Here is a new thought...: I find myself working on hair removal, walking, posture, sitting,..I want to present myself as female to reflect what I feel inside. I think I want my appearance to "pass" because I want recognized or "approved" as female.
I understand societies norms for appearance. My goals are not to be a barbie. I just want to feel myself. I like chrome on my truck and not a blacked out look. I know chrome does not get you home but I LIKE IT. If I want pierced ears, flare leg jeans, sparkles on a top, and lipstick then that is what I will do. Not to get attention but so I feel good and like myself. I need to stop looking for approval from others or even society norms.
Thank you for letting me ramble,
Many hugs,
Leigh
Sounds like you got this figured out. You have a healthy attitude.
It isn't about society or family or friends' opinions.
The only opinion that matters is yours, because it is your life and no one can live it for you.
Exactly ,that's what I do. Work on my hot rod, wear what I like and just get on with life.
Quote from: MsLeigh on November 09, 2024, 08:09:26 PMSephirah and Lori
Been doing some self reflecting after your encouragement. I am coming along...I think.
As a child, I learned from abusive parents that I needed to be what they wanted. They admitted when I was older "We had kids to do work". I spent my life working to achieve approval. This included parents, employers, spouse, and anyone I felt was in a leader position. My wife does not approve of my decision to be myself. She wants me to be male. So I give in and stop my progress. I cannot stop and I will be my true self.
Wow, sounds like we had the same parents. I still feel driven to work harder to find approval, even though both of my parents have passed. We must remind ourselves just how important we are and not feel guilt from anyone. Its ok to be happy!
Quote from: Gina P on November 10, 2024, 12:05:02 PMIts ok to be happy!
Gina,
Thanks for the note it means a lot. Gives me sanity to hold on to.
Not sure who are believers or not, anyone who has a free second, please breathe a prayer for me.
Thanks,
Hugs,
Leigh
Quote from: MsLeigh on November 10, 2024, 02:24:29 PMNot sure who are believers or not, anyone who has a free second, please breathe a prayer for me.
You got it.
Some of the same struggles keep coming up. Wife and her family are in full opposition to my gender. My ally list is still at zero. I have to think.
Leigh
Quote from: MsLeigh on November 11, 2024, 04:50:34 PMSome of the same struggles keep coming up. Wife and her family are in full opposition to my gender. My ally list is still at zero. I have to think.
Leigh
Your allies list is never zero. We might not be local, but you still have us.
Hugs!
Quote from: Lori Dee on November 11, 2024, 04:59:42 PMYour allies list is never zero. We might not be local, but you still have us.
Hugs!
Thanks for the correction ;D. I don't have local family supporting me. But yes, I have met many wonderful supportive friends like yourself that I do appreciate so much. Every day I look forward to pull up posts and read what they are up to as well as constructive words to me.
Many hugs,
Leigh
Quote from: MsLeigh on November 11, 2024, 07:04:01 PMThanks for the correction ;D. I don't have local family supporting me. But yes, I have met many wonderful supportive friends like yourself that I do appreciate so much. Every day I look forward to pull up posts and read what they are up to as well as constructive words to me.
Many hugs,
Leigh
I have no family local to me either. Most live in Colorado, that is why I don't.
I have said it before: I don't need negativity in my life and I will walk away from it no matter the source. When relatives became unsupportive and even hostile, I cut them loose. I have not visited them in many years and have no plans to.
People are so afraid to be alone. There is nothing scary about it. You are never alone for very long, this planet is packed with people. You run into them every day, even when you don't want to. Eventually, they become friends. Then you meet their friends, and friends of friends. Your circle of support grows and as long as you keep the positive and shun the negative, your life becomes so much easier to enjoy.
The main reason people get stressed out is because they are afraid to walk away, to be alone, to start over. There are great possibilities with a fresh start. What is the very worst thing that will happen? Some people will be mad at you. So what? Ignore them.
If you want change in your life, then change your life. Make a plan. Work it every day until it becomes a reality. Eye on the prize, and all that. If you want it bad enough, you will make it happen.
Just wondering if you have googled trans support groups near yourself. If not there are always virtual groups. Something about belonging to a group of friends who is, or has went through the same things helps. Susan's is great but something about talking live that helps as well. Many of the girls I have met on this site are now my close personal friends. Soon your supporters will outnumber the haters.
Gina,
My therapist has linked me up with some support groups. My wife has forbade me from attending. I will go if I get the courage but I will never sneak out of the house.
I'll be seeking friends when I can. Right now I will rely on you and others at Susan's as my main network. You all have provided immense support, advice, and simple friendly conversations. Thanks again.
Hugs,
Leigh
@MsLeigh
Dear Leigh:Here on the Susan's Place Forum you have many, many like-minded supporters... and many members
here that have gone through or are now experiencing similar "at home" issues as you are with your wife.
Please feel free to continue to "vent" your feelings about what you are going through...
.... personally I find for myself that just writing about my issues and if so inclined, sharing about
issues in my life, results in being very good therapy.
I am glad that you are going forward one step at a time. Keep posting and sharing.HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
Quote from: MsLeigh on November 13, 2024, 12:14:07 PMGina,
My therapist has linked me up with some support groups. My wife has forbade me from attending. I will go if I get the courage but I will never sneak out of the house.
I'll be seeking friends when I can. Right now I will rely on you and others at Susan's as my main network. You all have provided immense support, advice, and simple friendly conversations. Thanks again.
Hugs,
Leigh
Quote from: MsLeigh on November 13, 2024, 12:14:07 PMMy therapist has linked me up with some support groups. My wife has forbade me from attending. I will go if I get the courage but I will never sneak out of the house.
Honey, your wife can't forbid you from doing anything. She's not your mother. And even then that's questionable. You are your own person, okay? With your own needs and wants and desires. You are not on some kind of weird leash. You matter. What you want matters. Connecting with people in your vicinity that can offer support more than well-meaning online screen names... you need that connection. For your own mental health.
I think, if it were me, I would do everything just to see how sour and angry she can get. Just because I would be the world's worst wife because I abjectly refuse to let anyone else run my life. That's probably why I've never been married. I am probably the world's worst hellcat, lol.
But my point is... you cannot live your life based on someone else's dictates. You can't. Who you are matters. What you want matters. What you need matters. It matters just as much as it matters to anyone else. Never let anyone else tell you what you can or can't do, okay? The only person who has control over your life... is you.
As an aside... Lori, I think of you as family. If that's okay. I have no living family other than my hateful brother, who I disowned long ago. Since I came back here and met you... girl, you're the big sister I wish I'd had in my life. <3
I have been married three times. I divorced two of them. It had nothing to do with transgender issues because I had no idea I was trans back then. It was a matter of loyalty. I refuse to live under a double standard. If you want to be Number One in my life, then I expect to be Number One in your life. When they decided that I was not important enough to them, I cut them loose.
I wouldn't push them to see how mad they would get. I merely held them to the vows they took.
Everyone has the right to be happy. If they are not happy in the relationship and you are not happy in the relationship, the purpose of the relationship fails. It really is that simple. If both sides are active in making it work, then there is hope that it can survive. And many here are examples of that. But "it takes two to Tango".
@Sephirah I have a very large family here now. I have adopted all of you. :)
My wife forgot all the vows she said so when she "kicked" me out I was glad to leave, TBH should have done it years before.
Quote from: MsLeigh on November 13, 2024, 12:14:07 PMGina,
My therapist has linked me up with some support groups. My wife has forbade me from attending. I will go if I get the courage but I will never sneak out of the house.
I'll be seeking friends when I can. Right now I will rely on you and others at Susan's as my main network. You all have provided immense support, advice, and simple friendly conversations. Thanks again.
Hugs,
Leigh
Leigh,
Very sorry she feels this way. My wife used to call my therapist, "my enabler". She never forbade me from seeking help
. I am sorry you have to go through this. As you work it out I and the others are hear for you. Hang in there! Hugs Gina
Quote from: davina61 on November 14, 2024, 02:58:26 AMMy wife forgot all the vows she said so when she "kicked" me out I was glad to leave, TBH should have done it years before.
I told my sister about me. Without stumbling, she said you are family, I love you, and I don't think there is anything wrong with you...you need to understand for yourself that nothing is "wrong" with you.
I know there was some shock and hurt from me keeping this from my wife for years but I hoped she would have the same realization as my sister after the last year of her knowing. I am getting a picture that she will never accept me. Oh well, we must move on.
Thanks so much for your post. It is therapy to hear from the girls of Susan's. I feel closer to many of you all the time.
Many hugs,
Leigh
Quote from: MsLeigh on November 14, 2024, 02:12:41 PMI know there was some shock and hurt from me keeping this from my wife for years but I hoped she would have the same realization as my sister after the last year of her knowing. I am getting a picture that she will never accept me. Oh well, we must move on.
No, honey, this is an entirely different dynamic. Her acceptance has nothing to do with you per se. It has to do with her. It has to do with her reliance on the male/female cisgender relationship. Propagation of the species and all that. She relies on you being her image of you, in order for her to feel "normal". If that is threatened, then... people have all kinds of defence mechanisms to try and fight it. Rather than try to understand, some people try their hardest to fight against it, because they don't see it as you being happy... they see it as a threat to their way of life. And their wants and needs become paramount, even if it erodes you.
What I would say is that... you can't really blame people for doing that. For someone not going through this, it can be incredibly difficult to understand. Or accept. Your wife needs you to be you in order for her to be her. It's kind of different to family who don't have that same kind of vested interest. And... if you get to a point you don't feel anything you can do will affect how your wife feels then... yeah... as hard as it is, sometimes it's better for people to find the love they need, instead of being stuck in a place where they find the hate they can tolerate. That's not good really for anyone.
*hugs*
Sephira,
Thank you. I really like reading your notes..you give thoughts that get me thinking and looking at both sides. It helps immensely. I do understand my wife's reflections about me. She has known for a year and it is starting to wear on us.
Return hugs,
Leigh
It was a busy weekend. Wife and I attended a wedding out of town. Had a great time. This journey into living my true self is a bit of a roller coaster. I had posted about my wife not supportive. The last few days she has been a bit more open and is starting to understand that I have not changed. Gender can be a small thing within my personality but a large things to others. My values and day to day activities remain unchanged.
Many hugs,
Leigh
@MsLeighDear Leigh:
I am very happy to read that you a having some good days and that your wife is being
somewhat more supporting and accepting of you. Certainly your "life change" can be
expected to be very difficult for a spouse.... continue to love on her and give her
the time she needs to fully adjust.
Thank you for sharing your good news.
You have my many HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
Quote from: MsLeigh on November 18, 2024, 11:01:18 AMIt was a busy weekend. Wife and I attended a wedding out of town. Had a great time. This journey into living my true self is a bit of a roller coaster. I had posted about my wife not supportive. The last few days she has been a bit more open and is starting to understand that I have not changed. Gender can be a small thing within my personality but a large things to others. My values and day to day activities remain unchanged.
Many hugs,
Leigh
Quote from: Northern Star Girl on November 18, 2024, 11:17:14 AM@MsLeigh
Dear Leigh:
I am very happy to read that you a having some good days
That did not last. Today she changed her mind, she does not want me to portray any female traits. She looked up a conversion therapy with an eye type of hypnosis. I refused. I will not put my mind through it. I am me, I need to be me. No more acting out whom others thought I should be. It's not just that i feel I need to but I want to, it finally feels right. My heart feels right to be Ms Leigh. I completely understand her point of view but I cannot change back to pretending to be male. This has been with me as long as my memory can go back. I not only need to take care of my mental health but I
WANT to be truly female. I'm mentally strong and logical so everything can be dealt with. Some will accept and others will not and that does not discourage me. I have full rights to accept or reject too.
Had to put my thoughts to words so I can vent and it helps me see myself and reflect my thoughts.
Hang on, the roller coaster is just beginning.
Hugs,
Leigh
If ever someone tells you to do any sort of hypnosis or hypnotherapy... run for the hills. It's organised brainwashing. Take it from someone who's had experience in hypnotherapy and being able to make people susceptible to suggestion. You can literally make people do whatever you want.
It doesn't last, though.
Leigh, that smacks of desperation. Of someone not caring who you are and what you want. Only what they want.
Be strong in you, okay? Your wife wants you to be her version of you and will do everything she can to get you to do that. Because that makes her feel validated. Passive aggression, outright aggression, gaslighting... expect it all. You need to be you, but you also need to let her be her. And if that means having a long conversation about if your relationship can adapt... then you need to do that. Is better for you to love alone than hate together.
*hugs*
Quote from: Sephirah on November 21, 2024, 06:56:47 PMBe strong in you, okay?
*hugs*
I'm going to forward you my therapy checks. :D :D Thank you for all your advice...it works!!
I sincerely wish you could feel how warm my heart is. I can make it through this and come out just fine.
Also sending my E-hugs,
Leigh
Quote from: MsLeigh on November 21, 2024, 10:08:13 PMI can make it through this and come out just fine.
Hold onto that, Leigh. Whatever you have to go through. You
can make it through this. How you feel about yourself matters just as much as how you feel about anyone else. To paraphrase the Buddha quote in my signature, you deserve to be yourself as much as you allow other people to be themselves. You matter. How you feel, how you think... what you want matters.
You deserve to love yourself. You are worth that love and attention. You do not need to be a placeholder for how every person around you wants to live
their life. You matter. What you want, how you feel, who you are... matters.
Hold onto that, no matter what happens, okay? You are beautiful because you are you.
*hugs* <3
Quote from: MsLeigh on November 21, 2024, 10:08:13 PMI'm going to forward you my therapy checks. :D :D Thank you for all your advice...it works!!
Honey, I wouldn't want them. I'd send them back to you, or a local charity. I think people deserve to know how special they are, for free. :)
Congratulations on standing up for yourself and refusing conversion therapy. This horrible "therapy" is responsible for a great many suicides and has been banned in most states. Science has proved that the only current help for gender dysphoria is transition. How far one transitions and what surgeries one needs is up to the individual.
I remember when I came out to my wife, of over 35 years, it was hard for her. I said I would understand if she wanted a divorce or at lest sleep in different beds. Since not much changes in the beginning she decided to stick it out until it got to weird. This gave her the time to process what was happening. I told her I was the same person, i just might look a little different. Obviously this is not what she signed up for. Long story short, she now helps me pick out clothing and we go shopping together. Our relationship has changed from a loving couple to more like sisters. I do miss the intimacy but just like as my body changes, so is the relationship changing.
Leigh don't be forced into anything you don't want to do. Give your wife space and time to adjust but continue to be yourself, is my advise. Be strong the ride is just beginning!
Hugs Gina
Wow...I think I am getting closer to writing a book. I see so much negative on the transgender topic. So many think they know. I keep repeating "listen to understand and quit listening to disagree". I am just me, I am not out to harm others. Like others have said, sometimes I don't like the words like transgender or dysphoria,....I am me, PERIOD. I am not a danger, I don't have a disease. Don't try to convert me and I won't slap your face for being rude and disrespectful.
Love and hugs to all my friends,
Leigh
Leigh,
Merry Christmas!
Chrissy
Quote from: ChrissyRyan on December 24, 2024, 02:10:50 PMLeigh,
Merry Christmas!
Chrissy
Chrissy
Merry Christmas to you and all your loved ones. I am responding to let you know I really appreciated seeing those 2 words. I feel a bit starved for a friend who accepts me. I am stuck and trying to pick myself up by my sandal straps. Still facing total rejection and severe criticism on any female portrayal. I cannot be myself. I am able to sneak some things in my life like working on posture. Not sure how long I can do that before the next intervention.
Hugs,
Leigh
Quote from: MsLeigh on December 27, 2024, 09:13:58 AMI feel a bit starved for a friend who accepts me.
You have many friends here who accept you as you are. We will always be here for you. Granted it is not the same as being accepted by people who are face to face with you, but you can always pop in here for reassurance that being yourself is never wrong.
Hang tough, Sister!
Hugs!
Quote from: Lori Dee on December 27, 2024, 09:27:25 AMYou have many friends here who accept you as you are. We will always be here for you. Granted it is not the same as being accepted by people who are face to face with you, but you can always pop in here for reassurance that being yourself is never wrong.
Hang tough, Sister!
Hugs!
I second these thoughts from Lori.
Chrissy
I love you all and I love the notes. I read them and find myself in tears. Even through my "male" years I have been a person that looks to others for approval. Worked my whole life to get approval from my parents especially. But I had that behavior with everyone. Even up to my 50's. All I want is acceptance as a person who happens to like being female. You sisters need to know you mean so much to me as friends. It seems I can't say that enough.
I feel weak.
Love and Hugs,
Leigh
@MsLeigh Dear Leigh:
You are accepted here without any hesitation. We are all in a journey together and we
support each other.
Many of our members will find that they develop long and lasting friendships as they
share their thoughts and personal stories with each other here on the Forum.
I am so very glad that you found us and registered as an active member last
summer in mid July.
As you continue posting updates on your Blog Thread and post elsewhere
around the Forum... ...along with your readers and followers I eagerly
look for your postings.
HUGS, and more HUGS, ❤️❤️❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
Quote from: MsLeigh on December 27, 2024, 12:15:40 PMI love you all and I love the notes. I read them and find myself in tears. Even through my "male" years I have been a person that looks to others for approval. Worked my whole life to get approval from my parents especially. But I had that behavior with everyone. Even up to my 50's. All I want is acceptance as a person who happens to like being female. You sisters need to know you mean so much to me as friends. It seems I can't say that enough.
I feel weak.
Love and Hugs,
Leigh
Quote from: MsLeigh on December 27, 2024, 12:15:40 PMI love you all and I love the notes. I read them and find myself in tears. Even through my "male" years I have been a person that looks to others for approval. Worked my whole life to get approval from my parents especially. But I had that behavior with everyone. Even up to my 50's. All I want is acceptance as a person who happens to like being female. You sisters need to know you mean so much to me as friends. It seems I can't say that enough.
I feel weak.
Love and Hugs,
Leigh
Please keep returning here. Have a nice weekend too!
Chrissy
Quote from: MsLeigh on December 27, 2024, 12:15:40 PMI love you all and I love the notes. I read them and find myself in tears. Even through my "male" years I have been a person that looks to others for approval. Worked my whole life to get approval from my parents especially. But I had that behavior with everyone. Even up to my 50's. All I want is acceptance as a person who happens to like being female. You sisters need to know you mean so much to me as friends. It seems I can't say that enough.
I feel weak.
Love and Hugs,
Leigh
Sweetie... I don't need to be a therapist to tell you that you have extremely low self-esteem. Everything you say... honey, I get it. You have so little belief in yourself that you need those around you to give you what you can't give to yourself.
You have gone through life knowing something but feeling like it's just at the edge of your life. Something like.. trying to hold onto mist. Everything you've done, you've done to please someone else. Your other half, your parents, your friends. Because their approval fills the hole you should have for that voice inside you that says "Leigh, you're a good person. You're doing great!"
You don't know how to live without that. Because the self belief you should have, got pushed out of you at an early age. I am guessing by your parents based on how you talk about your need for their approval. You never got the chance to build up self-confidence. To believe in yourself and who you are.
That's okay, honey. It happens to a load of people. But it isn't something you have to deal with forever, okay? Self esteem is something you can work on, and improve. Click on the link in my signature, that's why I wrote what I did. You deserve to feel strong. And worth something. You deserve to feel like what you want and who you are matters. Because that's all true. Who you are and what you want
does matter.
*massive squeezy cyberhug*
You can do this, okay? <3
Quote from: Sephirah on December 28, 2024, 05:52:37 PMBecause the self belief you should have, got pushed out of you at an early age. I am guessing by your parents
You hit that spot on. Thank you for the link. I will read it again tomorrow. Takes me a few times to sink in...
I had a therapist explain another topic called intimacy. We all need it to mature. I did not experience intimacy through my first 50 yr. I did not make good choices in friends or close relationships. Joining this site was a good choice.
Thank you again. Part of me wants to disappear and another part thinks the best is yet to come. This is a bit of a roller coaster which nauseates me and brings tears.
Please continue to read and respond when you can. I sincerely love reading your posts. My wife has taken away my prostate supplements as they create female features. She has stopped my current therapist who was working with me on dysphoria. She controls our insurance..
Hugs
Leigh
Quote from: MsLeigh on December 28, 2024, 07:49:47 PMMy wife has taken away my prostate supplements as they create female features. She has stopped my current therapist who was working with me on dysphoria. She controls our insurance..
That sounds... utterly draconian. And not good for your health, Leigh. Forgive me but your wife is starting to sound like Kathy Bates in "Misery".
Is there anything you can do to get out of this situation?
Sephirah,
Thank you for the movie comparison. You are a sweety. Kinda sounds like the movie. The only difference is, I have the ability to leave, just not ready to yet. I know it's hard to understand me but I have to be ready. I got my prostate supplement back except one. I have an immense desire to present female. It is so hard to suppress. Still hoping to live my dreams one day.
Love and hugs,
Leigh
Chapter 1
I am 60 and struggles with my identity have increased many fold in the last few years. An extremely qualified therapist helped me through pain management, divorce, and family dynamics. She deferred me to find another therapist who worked with gender dysphoria cases. I found a therapist and seen her until my current wife and I discussed my feelings. This was the beginning of my membership at Susan's Place to find support. My wife freaks at the idea of support so local groups don't work and Susan's is unknown to her. So I will go back and talk about my journey and will try to keep it interesting .
I remember believing I was a girl around 4. I have 2 older sisters that would be in school. My mother would help dress me in hand me downs to my request. These dress ups would be head to toe. Underwear, tights, dress, wig, lipstick, makeup, and perfume. As I got older stockings and bras were added. These were the only intimate times with my mom. I loved the bling and flashy dressing.
My dad discovered this around 4 but mom allowed me to keep it up at special times through grade school. Dad tried to work my behavior out of me. (to be cont)
Leigh
Please carry on talking about this, Leigh. I know you have a lot to work through. And your wife is like some kind of BDSM prison warden. Get it out here, okay? We are not trained therapists but a lot of folks here have been through it and can help you. You're describing something that hits home to a lot of people.
You're not alone. Even if your wife holds the reins right now, you have an outlet. Use it.
I am proud of you.
Also... age doesn't matter. You're never too old to discover who you are. :)
Quote from: Sephirah on January 04, 2025, 03:27:07 PMPlease carry on talking about this, Leigh. I know you have a lot to work through.
Chapter 2 coming soon. I have to write when I get time by myself. We'll see how many chapters it takes..haha. can get a little long winded at times. My mind and heart yearn to live as female. That is who I am. It feels good when I came to that realization. I will continue to live with that knowledge no matter what I look like. People think they can steal my happiness but that is not true. The only way for me to lose my happiness is if I give it up!! I will never do that.
We are not all the same. I happen to have a strong desire to present as female so that is my biggest struggle. Struggle is with others that want to prevent me from presenting. I'm still hoping the future allows me time to fulfill this dream.
Hon, I know you have said these things to me...I am repeating to myself kinda like self therapy...
Love and hugs,
Leigh
Chapter 2
As I stated in chapt.1 my Dad found out and I believe he tried to make a "man" out of me. I did not have a large frame but he made me work harder than any grown men in the community. One example: I would cut wood from daylight till dark (7AM till 6PM) I would get water, 30 min for lunch, and supper after we would get home. I received a chainsaw for Christmas when I was 12. I joined a Black Hills fire dept when I was 12 to fight forest, home, and grass fires. I never received validation that I was a good person or good son. I kept working harder. I felt I was female but had no one to talk with. I matured late like kids who are worked hard for gymnastics. I had one male friend that I would see at school and no female friends. I walked bent over like a 90yr old and had no self respect. I was too mentally weak to end my life so I kept going. I left home after graduation (17yr old). To keep parents from hauling me back home they agreed I could attend a Christian college. So down to Jackson MS I went. It was a rocky time with a lot of confusion but a lot of learning. I graduated with a Bachelor in Theology. The next stop was Michigan. There I thought I would shake off all my thoughts by marrying a religious lady. We had one daughter. We divorced after 20 yr. I still believed I was female and wanted to be. I thought I would try marrying again to a wonderful lady that became my best friend after 2 yr. I thought this would realign my thoughts and I would be okay. Well that belief was my biggest and really the only time I felt that I failed. I failed myself. 2 yr ago I started pain and PTSD therapy as I had not healed from my relationship with my parents. My pain is from every joint in body wore out along with weekly migraine headaches. I talked with the therapist about feeling I was female at heart and she deferred me to another therapist as she did not work in that field. The new therapist diagnosed me with gender dysphoria within 10 min. After therapy I revealed this to my wife and was completely rejected. So over the last year I have been struggling with acceptance. I have no friends or family that accept me. I don't feel like I should take up any space in this world anymore. (to be continued)
I have to sneak time in to get on the website.
Love and hugs to all,
Leigh
Quote from: MsLeigh on January 10, 2025, 08:24:57 PMSo over the last year I have been struggling with acceptance. I have no friends or family that accept me. I don't feel like I should take up any space in this world anymore. (to be continued)
I have to sneak time in to get on the website.
I am local to you. You can reach me by email or PM if you want to swap contact info. I understand your caution but know that you are not alone. I am here in Rapid City and I am a friend and ally on your side. Let me know how I can help.
Hugs!
Quote from: MsLeigh on December 27, 2024, 09:13:58 AMChrissy
Merry Christmas to you and all your loved ones. I am responding to let you know I really appreciated seeing those 2 words. I feel a bit starved for a friend who accepts me. I am stuck and trying to pick myself up by my sandal straps. Still facing total rejection and severe criticism on any female portrayal. I cannot be myself. I am able to sneak some things in my life like working on posture. Not sure how long I can do that before the next intervention.
Hugs,
Leigh
Merry belated Christmas and happy belated New Year's.
You can reach out to me if you need support.
Quote from: Lori Dee on January 10, 2025, 08:37:56 PMI am local to you. You can reach me by email or PM if you want to swap contact info. I understand your caution but know that you are not alone. I am here in Rapid City and I am a friend and ally on your side. Let me know how I can help.
Hugs!
I am residing in Michigan. I want to keep up contact with you and everyone at Susan's. I appreciate reading to gain strength from others.
Hugs,
Leigh
Chapt 3
I "was" totally controlled by parents, anyone in authority, and pretty much everyone else...lol. Understanding who I am was the best work in my life. I opened up to who I am inside. Realizing that what I wanted through life is important. We all have needs but wants are important, dreams are important as well. Some dreams and wants are achievable. Don't worry about the impossible... During this "work " to learn about myself the inner female feelings came roaring to the surface. It was like the proverbial beach ball that I was trying to keep under water. The biggest relief was releasing the ball in my mind. I am still keeping it out of site to many friends. Because it is so healing I will say again, , getting a grip on my female gender was the most important thing for me to keep living. I don't take this lightly... I am able to smile and find some humor in this part of me as well.
More to come...gotta go for now,
Hugs,
Leigh
Reading through your posts, Leigh, I can't help but feel like the issues you have with your parents are separate from your gender issues. Your dad especially. And this isn't something that can be fixed through transition. It's something you have to deal with on its own. And it's something you need to separate in your head.
As I say, I am not a therapist but I can read people pretty well. I don't think the issue with your dad was about you. Or if it was, then only slightly. I think it was more about him, and how he saw the world. He projected his world view onto you. And, unfortunately, you weren't the kind of person to be receptive to how he saw the world.
An unfortunate truth is that the worldview of proceeding generations change drastically because the world changes drastically. I would venture your dad was trying to raise you how he was raised. And didn't know any better. I don't think he set out deliberately to hurt or punish you. He just didn't understand you. I would suggest he drew on his own upbringing because it was all he knew.
That doesn't make it right. It doesn't make it hurt any less. It just makes you put in a place you didn't want to be put in. I am not the parenting type. I would be the world's worst mother. I don't have the patience. But I did have to work through a lot of stuff, like you, with regard to my own upbringing. And sometimes we lose sight of the fact that our parents are just people trying to play a game with no rulebook. What we think is harsh or callous, turns out to not be the case. But you don't know this until much later on in life, when you can have an adult conversation and they don't treat you as a child anymore.
Can I ask, have you ever talked to your parents about this? Knowing what you know now? Do you have the chance?
One thing I need to say to you, though. You are valuable. You matter. The light of someone's soul doesn't just "take up space". You just have a lot of issues to work through, sweetie. And you're getting there. I believe in you, okay?
Love you, Leigh. <3
Chapter 4
I have posted that I make every effort to not give up my happiness. The fact is no one can take my happiness, I would have to give it up.
Well, I am also taking this approach to gender. My gender is mine and no one can take it. The first 3 chapters summarizes my life. I am not a victim to my past. I will continue to live each day to the funnest. I was born and lived the best I could, but as I don't have to go back and live misery. Some things I cannot change in history. I was born a male but I will not live another day as a male.
My appearance is what it is right now. Even though I face a spouse, family, and friends who reject my desired female gender there are things I am doing for my mental health. I am enjoying improving my walking and posture. Phytoestrogens and alpha 5 blocker supplements have helped my skin and hair. Unexpectedly without changing weight my overbust has increased to 4 inches more than underbust. My thighs have increased by 3 in and hips by 2. Waist has dropped 3 inches. I work out specifically targeting chest, hips, but, etc. I moisturize, started conditioning hair, growing hair longer (was buzz cut all my life), wearing a knecklace and an extra ring. It is slow but fun. Each day I keep it up as it helps immensely.
Someday I hope to walk out into public in full female look. For now it is important to not embarrass myself and go backwards. A goal is a tweed suit (mini skirt), white satin camisole thin enough that a lacy bra outline can be seen, heels, painted nails, an shoulder length hair. It will take quite a few small goals to get there. The thing is, this is a journey or rather an adventure!!! I will keep posting as I can about my adventures, feelings, and experiences.
Love and hugs to all. And another hug to anyone else struggling through their journey. Don't let go of who you are and don't let others think they have the power to take your happiness and gender.
Leigh
Hi Leigh,
I'd suggest learning about skin tone and undertone as this will help you select clothing colors that look good on you. Sometimes your favorite colors make poor clothing choices.
Marion
Quote from: Sephirah on January 17, 2025, 03:57:31 PMReading through your posts, Leigh, I can't help but feel like the issues you have with your parents are separate from your gender issues.
Yes. Things go real deep with those issues. I think the common ground is how I allowed myself to be held in their grasp so I was never myself. Now realizing my gender is another hurdle.
As I say, I am not a therapist but I can read people pretty well. I don't think the issue with your dad was about you. Or if it was, then only slightly. I think it was more about him, and how he saw the world. He projected his world view onto you. And, unfortunately, you weren't the kind of person to be receptive to how he saw the world.
Very true. Therapy has show me how egotistical and immature he is. To this day he has not "listened" to our conversations. He says things like "I never earned wages that would equal others taxes." I retired from the 2nd largest chemical co with my last title of senior project engineer. I do not have an engineering degree, they used it to honor me and get my pay up to what they thought I was worth. My dad has said he is not proud of me and does not even know this about me even though it has been part of 100s of conversations. That said, he does not know hardly anything about me or what i accomplished in life. He does not even admit my daughter is his only granddaughter because she is lesbian.
An unfortunate truth is that the worldview of proceeding generations change drastically because the world changes drastically. I would venture your dad was trying to raise you how he was raised. And didn't know any better. I don't think he set out deliberately to hurt or punish you. He just didn't understand you. I would suggest he drew on his own upbringing because it was all he knew.
That doesn't make it right. It doesn't make it hurt any less. It just makes you put in a place you didn't want to be put in. I am not the parenting type. I would be the world's worst mother. I don't have the patience. But I did have to work through a lot of stuff, like you, with regard to my own upbringing. And sometimes we lose sight of the fact that our parents are just people trying to play a game with no rulebook. What we think is harsh or callous, turns out to not be the case. But you don't know this until much later on in life, when you can have an adult conversation and they don't treat you as a child anymore.
Can I ask, have you ever talked to your parents about this? Knowing what you know now? Do you have the chance?
My mother passed years ago but regardless, I would never have had a productive conversation with either of them. About my feelings or about gender. Within the last couple years they no longer refer to me as one of their children. I think they came from a time that people had kids as labor providers on the farm or family business. When I left home at 17 it could have hurt them financially and mentally.
One thing I need to say to you, though. You are valuable. You matter. The light of someone's soul doesn't just "take up space". You just have a lot of issues to work through, sweetie. And you're getting there. I believe in you, okay?
I do so much appreciate your words. I am struggling still at home. My wife is yelling and cussing at me. She wants a divorce and she said she will make it hell. She said she will dig up enough dirt to wreck my friends and family and I will be disgraced in the community. I have not come out to anyone other than her, one of her friends, and my sister. She said she will use that to humiliate me with everyone as well. For the first time in my life I feel too weak to fight. I will use the strength I have left to a good end.
As I have stated. My wealth is not the money in my hand but the number of people I hold in my hands. I have 180 people in my phone contacts. Taking that wealth from me is the most damaging thing she could do. I love people. My friends make up the world. I remember a poem from school. "No Man Is and Island" by John Donne. It is worth the read and one of my life's principles.
Love you, Leigh. <3
I love you and send warm hugs to your heart,
Leigh
Thank you again
Quote from: Sephirah on January 17, 2025, 03:57:31 PMI believe in you, okay?
Love you, Leigh. <3
Thanks again. You have been a great friend and sister...
Love and hugs,
Leigh
QuoteI do so much appreciate your words. I am struggling still at home. My wife is yelling and cussing at me. She wants a divorce and she said she will make it hell. She said she will dig up enough dirt to wreck my friends and family and I will be disgraced in the community. I have not come out to anyone other than her, one of her friends, and my sister. She said she will use that to humiliate me with everyone as well. For the first time in my life I feel too weak to fight. I will use the strength I have left to a good end.
Your wife strikes me as the manipulative, gaslighting type, Leigh. And... call it a hunch, but I am not sure she would actually do any of that. My gut tells me she is saying that to try and bully or scare you into submission. And... were you to call her bluff, she would have nowhere to go. Some people can be like that. When they can't get respect, they go for fear.
Have you asked her why she would do all this? Why just an amicable separation wouldn't be enough for her? What it is that makes her so hateful?
Hang in there, honey. You can get through this. You have done nothing wrong. I give you what strength I have. <3