Susan's Place Transgender Resources

This is the beginning of my story, which itself has really only just begun in earnest.

In January of 2025, my wife of 17 years revealed something that was devastating for me and potentially our relationship. Perhaps I'll say more about the revelation in the future. After 3 days of "dark soul" and little sleep, I had an epiphany: I needed to change my way of being, of thinking and feeling. In short, I needed to "let go" of the conditioned garbage that I'd bought into for 60+ years about who I was and how that meant I was supposed to be.

I began reading Eckhart Tolle's _Stillness Speaks_, and it immediately resonated with me. In short, it encouraged the abandonment of *thinking* in favor of *being*, seeing, feeling. It made so much sense, and I immediately embraced the practice - something very familiar from my days of meditation 20 or so years earlier.

Jettisoning the toxic programming that wasn't serving me left me with a significant void in my sense of self, but that void was almost immediately filled - by love, joy, and peace. Consequently, I was much, much happier (and I thought I was already very happy).

What happened then, maybe a month or so into this shift was that I began to feel and to express a much more female persona - gentle, patient, loving, emotional... It was on and off (and still is), but it was undeniable. At that point, I had to begin to consider that I might be transgender.

More to follow...

Pema

Thank you for sharing, Pema.

Such a wonderful beginning for your blog and your journey. This is your "Home" here at Susan's Place where you can keep track of your journey, and your avid readers can drop in to see what you've been up to. We look forward to future installments of "Rediscovering Pema"!

Quote from: flowers_and_trees on April 28, 2025, 02:09:38 PMIn short, I needed to "let go" of the conditioned garbage that I'd bought into for 60+ years about who I was and how that meant I was supposed to be.

Sometimes it's difficult to see ourselves because we're lost in whom we've been told we should be.

Welcome to the blog section Pema!

 Eckhart Tolle is good stuff and it is amazing how much of life we can live without an approach that allows us to listen... and be... and be filled with the things we need... As we empty ourself a bit and give ourself time and space to listen to our souls... We can create room within to fill with the best of what we find as we move in new directions.

All good things to you sister! Amazing discoveries patiently awaiting you!

Onward,

Ashley 💕

@flowers_and_trees
Dear Pema:
I am so glad to see that you have just started your very own Blog Thread
here on the Forum.
This will be your Journal where you can share your thoughts and comments regarding
your life journey with other like-minded members.
Your BLOG Thread here becomes your HOME here on the FORUM where members
here can easily find you and exchange comments and thoughts with you. 

In addition to my own Forum Blog Thread I keep a more private "old school" pen and paper
journal/diary at my home that includes snap shots, hand drawn doodling, and notes and
cards from my dear friends.
On cold, snowy nights, of which there are many here in Alaska where I live, I can be
found in my favorite chair in front of my fireplace reading over past entries, sometimes
with tears in my eyes, and sometimes with laughter.

When you share good news and successes your followers and readers (me included) will rejoice
with you... and when you report "not-so-good" news we will give your our ears to listen and
our shoulders for you to lean on.

I will continue to follow your updates, postings and reply comments not only here on your
Blog Thread but also all around the various Topics and Threads available on the Forum.
My best wishes to you for your success and happiness as you continue on in your journey.

Warmly,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator      Direct Email address:  alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Welcome Pema, I am looking forward  to more of your story as you move forward in your new life.  🤗 Annaliese

Yes welcome to the basement !!!! Well we are down the bottom of the page----------

I was an only child to very young parents (20 and 21). The pregnancy was unplanned, and neither of them was interested in parenting. They were college-educated though not particularly open-minded. My material needs were met, but that was about it. I'd see my peers' parents coming to school events and posting their homework and art on the refrigerator; none of that happened in our house. I was extremely lucky to have a dog. She was my sister and confidant.

My friends at school were mostly girls, and I preferred to play with them at recess. I was always small for my age, not athletic, and was drawn to the welcoming, unaggressive environment that the girls inhabited. In our elementary school, kids were assigned to learning groups based on their perceived aptitudes, and I was put in the "smart kids" group, which was the smallest group and was all girls except for me - six of us in total. So the majority of my first six years of school were spent in a group of girls. It's hard to imagine that that doesn't contribute to conditioning a kid, kind of like the hopping cats that were raised by rabbits. From that experience, I learned that girls were smart and capable - and friendly. They accepted me as one of them.

Somewhere around age 8, a group of girls invited me to go ice skating with them. I was thrilled. My mother said I couldn't go. "Boys don't play with girls," she told me. This was the messaging throughout my childhood, sometimes brutally blunt, more often subtle but no less restrictive. "You're a boy. This is what boys do. You can't do those things." The reality was that I couldn't - or just didn't want to - do most of the things boys do. I was shocked to find out that my classmates did things like play sports in leagues or go fishing with their dads or perform in choir or theater or anything other than going to school and then going home. My parents literally did nothing to introduce me to the options of life.

I also didn't assimilate particularly well. I was never openly disobedient, but I always felt strongly that the system I was being indoctrinated into didn't make any sense. School was painfully boring, and I always knew exactly how many days remained until the school year was over. I became depressed when summer ended and school resumed. I described school as "prison for children." I played the part as best I could but I only ever did just enough to satisfy my teachers' and parents' expectations. Church was very similar; it just didn't mean anything to me, but I had no choice.

And that's really how I felt about life in general. I was going through the motions as commanded in a life that held very little meaning or interest for me. But I always felt like there had to be more to it than what I was being shown. I felt it inside of me that life could be something much greater.

By about age 10, girls and boys at school began to become interested in each other in a new way, "going steady" and the activities that went with it. The girls in my cohort seemed to be attracted to the boys who were the type that were the polar opposite of me. This change made an already confounding situation seem utterly dystopic. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere.

During this same period, we'd go visit my aunt, uncle, and two cousins a couple of times a year. My female cousin was my age, and her brother was a year older. I always chose to hang out with her and her friends instead of him and his. Once we were there when she had a slumber party, and I got to be part of it. I let them put make-up on me and paint my nails. I felt so connected to them, like I was one of them. I always felt sad when it was time to leave, because I couldn't have friends like that at home.

Quote from: flowers_and_trees on April 29, 2025, 10:35:48 PMSomewhere around age 8, a group of girls invited me to go ice skating with them. I was thrilled. My mother said I couldn't go. "Boys don't play with girls," she told me. This was the messaging throughout my childhood, sometimes brutally blunt, more often subtle but no less restrictive. "You're a boy. This is what boys do. You can't do those things." The reality was that I couldn't - or just didn't want to - do most of the things boys do. I was shocked to find out that my classmates did things like play sports in leagues or go fishing with their dads or perform in choir or theater or anything other than going to school and then going home. My parents literally did nothing to introduce me to the options of life.

I also didn't assimilate particularly well. I was never openly disobedient, but I always felt strongly that the system I was being indoctrinated into didn't make any sense. School was painfully boring, and I always knew exactly how many days remained until the school year was over. I became depressed when summer ended and school resumed. I described school as "prison for children." I played the part as best I could but I only ever did just enough to satisfy my teachers' and parents' expectations. Church was very similar; it just didn't mean anything to me, but I had no choice.

And that's really how I felt about life in general. I was going through the motions as commanded in a life that held very little meaning or interest for me. But I always felt like there had to be more to it than what I was being shown. I felt it inside of me that life could be something much greater.

By about age 10, girls and boys at school began to become interested in each other in a new way, "going steady" and the activities that went with it. The girls in my cohort seemed to be attracted to the boys who were the type that were the polar opposite of me. This change made an already confounding situation seem utterly dystopic. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere.

Hey Pema,

Your story resonated with me in a very personal way, not through my own childhood, but through what I'm witnessing now with my 10-year-old son. Like you, he's always gravitated toward friendships with girls. His teachers often comment that he's very popular with them, but he's also firm in his boundaries. He doesn't want to play with boys, and now that many of his girl friends are beginning to show interest in more traditionally "masculine" boys, he's feeling the shift.

His mother and I have noticed this, and we're trying to walk that delicate line between guiding and simply being there for him as he figures out who he is. We don't know if he's gay, trans, neither, or something else entirely, and we don't want to pressure him or make assumptions. We just want him to know he's safe, accepted, and loved no matter what path he walks.

He's already learning about LGBTQ+ identities in school, and when we talk with him about it, he says clearly that he's not a girl and not attracted to boys. And we honor that. I just wanted to say how important your story is, for those of us who've walked similar paths, and also for those of us raising children who might be quietly wrestling with the same questions.

Thank you for putting it into words.


~ Lilis 💗

Quote from: flowers_and_trees on April 29, 2025, 10:35:48 PMSomewhere around age 8, a group of girls invited me to go ice skating with them. I was thrilled. My mother said I couldn't go. "Boys don't play with girls," she told me. This was the messaging throughout my childhood, sometimes brutally blunt, more often subtle but no less restrictive. "You're a boy. This is what boys do. You can't do those things."

Back in the seventies, when I was growing up, there were 'therapists' forgotten now, who would 'help' parents 'deprogramme' boys who were thought to be too feminine. I've been chasing down the research for several days now and it's an eye-opener. But despite your parents cracking down on you, it sounds as if a lot of your childhood didn't happen quite so accidentally as it may seem in retrospect, for instance, you finding your way into female company.

It's a bummer hitting your teens when you're trans, because as hormones flourish, lots of us miss out on relationships and lose friends as they start exploring their attraction to another sex. This one of the great unexplored areas of the psychology of transness and it's wonderful that you can rember how you felt. Which is just like most other trans people feel, marooned on an island with everyone else sailing away from us.

@Lilis, it sounds like you're doing all of the things with your son that I'd have liked someone to do with me when I was his age: listen, care, support. Growing up can be difficult in the best of circumstances, but having parents who are interested in your experience and want to be there for and with you makes it less painful.

If someone had asked me at that age whether I was or wanted to be a girl, I'd definitely have said no. But I'd have said that a year ago, too.

@TanyaG, what I described was in the seventies, so I'm extremely grateful that my parents didn't choose to send me to one of those "therapists." And I agree that my childhood was instrumental in getting me to where I am today. It still leaves the nature vs. nurture question unanswered, but I don't feel like I need to know that answer to be who I am today.

Quote from: TanyaG on April 30, 2025, 06:06:43 AM...like most other trans people feel, marooned on an island with everyone else sailing away from us.

Absolutely. Eventually, I grew to be more pleased than bothered by this.

"Will" was my closest friend outside of school during those early years. His family was better off financially than mine, but they were also more close-knit. They'd go to various events around town and let their two kids each bring a friend. I was often invited to spend the night at their house, which I loved because their family functioned the way I wished mine did. The parents would ask the kids about their lives, and there would be engaging dialog - even with me! Will was also very different from other boys I knew; he was sensitive, caring, talked about his desires and his feelings. I really appreciated that, since it was a lot like what I'd experienced hanging out with girls in my earlier years. Eventually, when I learned about homosexuality, I realized he was likely gay, and I didn't think anything about it. We drifted apart after elementary school. I reconnected with him about 10 years ago, and he talked about his long-time male partner. Of course he was gay.

Along the way, one of my grandmothers taught me to crochet, which I found to be fun, easy, and practical. Both of my grandfathers were avid gardeners, and I took very quickly to it. To this day, it still feels like magic to me that you can plant seeds and watch them become what they were meant to be. I had an uncle who, like my father, was very mechanically inclined and fell into repairing sewing machines. Of course, in the process, he learned to sew and taught me. Again, this seemed like an incredibly useful skill, and I was enthralled by the wide array of fabrics available and the endless possibilities.

Somewhere in all of this, I began to be ridiculed, mostly by boys, for doing things "like a girl:" the way I walked, what I talked about or the way I'd speak, the kinds of activities I enjoyed. For the most part, I didn't care - until it became apparent that the girls now preferred the company of those boys instead of me. The same female cousin who'd put make-up on me not that long ago was now telling me the attributes of the boys that girls liked: broad shoulders, strong arms, confidence and "swagger." I didn't meet any of those criteria. Not only was I short and had thick-thighs, my hips were round. There was no way to "fix" that. I decided my only recourse was to build my upper body to compensate. I started with daily push-ups and trained myself to walk and speak more like the popular boys. In effect, I began to condition myself to approximate as best I could the male archetype I'd been told was desirable. What else could I do?

This awareness of who I truly am is all so new and unexplored for me. I feel amazingly good when I find myself "in the zone" and fully embodying Pema, but I have decades of conditioning to be someone else, so it can be very common and frustrating to feel like "him" when I'd really rather just be me. I find that this happens most often when I'm "busy," i.e. working hard to get something done - especially on short time.

This trip we have to make next week has put both my wife and me very much in "do mode" instead of "be mode." It's a practice for us both to try to maintain our equanimity while trying to accomplish so much so quickly, and we're doing better at it than we ever have before. But I miss being her, and I know my wife misses her, too. This morning I was feeling sad about it, on the edge of tears. I believe that I'll eventually de-condition myself enough that I can be me all of the time, and I understand that that's a process that will take time and patience.

As I was feeling that sadness, my wife was preparing to leave on a grocery run. I asked if that would be her only errand (so that I could know whether I should prepare lunch). She hesitated in an odd way and then said, "The truth is that I'm going to go to Victoria's Secret to get something for you."

That helps a lot. As Lori said, my wife's a keeper.

Eventually, you will come to realize that you never were "him". You have always been you. What you did in the past was to play a role, a sort of camouflage for a variety of reasons. Safety, doing as you were taught, or just trying to fit in. You were merely doing what you felt you needed to do at that time.

Humans are always learning. Sometimes we learn things about the world around us, and sometimes we learn things about ourselves. Anything you did before you learned who you were cannot be held against you, especially not by you.

You are still you, no matter what you are wearing. You are still you even if you are forced into behavior that is unlike you. I am not a football player, but I have played football. I donned the uniform, memorized the plays, and performed my duties as a wide receiver. Eventually, I took off the uniform. Nothing about me changed while I was in uniform, except the role I was playing.

Give yourself a break. Relax. It is a temporary situation that you need to deal with. This, too, shall pass.

Hugs!

Quote from: flowers_and_trees on May 02, 2025, 12:47:17 PMThis awareness of who I truly am is all so new and unexplored for me. I feel amazingly good when I find myself "in the zone" and fully embodying Pema, but I have decades of conditioning to be someone else, so it can be very common and frustrating to feel like "him" when I'd really rather just be me. I find that this happens most often when I'm "busy," i.e. working hard to get something done - especially on short time.

This trip we have to make next week has put both my wife and me very much in "do mode" instead of "be mode." It's a practice for us both to try to maintain our equanimity while trying to accomplish so much so quickly, and we're doing better at it than we ever have before. But I miss being her, and I know my wife misses her, too. This morning I was feeling sad about it, on the edge of tears. I believe that I'll eventually de-condition myself enough that I can be me all of the time, and I understand that that's a process that will take time and patience.

As I was feeling that sadness, my wife was preparing to leave on a grocery run. I asked if that would be her only errand (so that I could know whether I should prepare lunch). She hesitated in an odd way and then said, "The truth is that I'm going to go to Victoria's Secret to get something for you."

That helps a lot. As Lori said, my wife's a keeper.

Pema!

Much of the joy will be in the exploration and the amazing discoveries that await... We often bury all the puzzle pieces of who we are early in life... years later, they begin to pop out of the ground... if we are ready to assemble them at that time, we find they form quite the beautiful picture 🤗

Don't worry about... feeling like "him" at times ... when we are busy with tasks, we fall into our familiar auto pilot mode we have used most all of our life to tackle things that need to be done... so the association of that feeling are heavily weighted to the old and familiar guy persona... it takes time, and quiet... and interactions with others and the world to feel and know at deeper levels the self we have spent so much time trying to bury... As you nurture her... She shall blossom! 🌸

Enjoy every step of this... the process of becoming... discovering... embracing... is every bit as amazing as being. 🌻

Onward Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

Thank you, @Lori Dee. I know it's temporary; I'm really very patient, I swear. It's just a case of having seen who I am and feeling unable to *be* that person "inside" sometimes. Your saying that I never was "him" is a very valuable perspective, although I could (but won't!) turn it into, "So just stop pretending to be him." I know, I'm just emoting. I expect to look back on this and laugh someday.

@tgirlamg, I appreciate your encouragement to enjoy the ride. That's typically been my mantra, but apparently I needed to be reminded of it. Thank you.

Just to offer you a somewhat different perspective, sweetie.

Don't see "him" and "her" as different entities. They are both you. Yin and Yang. Trans people have a somewhat unique outlook in being able to experience both extremes in a very real way. To be exposed to, and... learn what the Yin and Yang actually means.

In the end, we always find balance. But it doesn't hurt for the scales to tip one way or the other sometimes. The important thing is to try to understand that everything you have been through, everything you feel, and think, goes into making you... you. However you express, however you dress, however you look... you always have been and always will be Pema.

*big hugs*

Yes I am just me as I have always been just look different slightly!Still do the same old stuff I like but with a twist.

Quote from: flowers_and_trees on May 02, 2025, 12:47:17 PMI feel amazingly good when I find myself "in the zone" and fully embodying Pema, but I have decades of conditioning to be someone else, so it can be very common and frustrating to feel like "him" when I'd really rather just be me.

With your partner on your side (she sounds very like mine) it should become easier and easier to eliminate the conditioning, which is what's called 'scripting'. Just having someone around who is happy not to reinforce the scripts you're trying to ditch will accelerate the process, because it'll allow you to construct a new normative that fits who you are, rather than the ambitions of the people who brought you up for who they wanted you to be.

All of us have to eliminate that gap somehow, but having a partner around who loves you for being you is like having a drip feed of confirmation that it's fine to be yourself. I have but one word of advice, if you value your bank balance, do not let her discover Agent Provocateur :-)

I wasn't feeling well much of last week and noticed I seldom cross dressed or affected my more feminine self (Annika), though I did catch up on my sleep: 12-14 hours a day/night. As I recovered, the skirts, dresses, blouses, and camisoles were back in style. So was Annika. I'm not sure it's the same thing as you're experiencing, Pema, with the upcoming journey. And my daughter never offered to go to Victoria's Secret (you do have an amazing partner; she reminds me of TanyaG's Ginny). For me, gender is messy. Most of the time, I think the messiness is awesome.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on May 04, 2025, 03:07:08 PMI wasn't feeling well much of last week and noticed I seldom cross dressed or affected my more feminine self (Annika)

I hope each new day brings you a little more strength and light, Annika.

Get well soon! 💗

~ Lilis 🫂

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on May 04, 2025, 03:07:08 PMFor me, gender is messy. Most of the time, I think the messiness is awesome.

Gender is like growing flowers on a balcony, most people try and pack it into too few pots! So messy is good. Glad you're feeling better.

I came in to try to contribute to the wonderful thread that Lilis started here (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,251060.0.html), but I can't say I can call myself non-binary, let alone how to express myself as such. It was less than four months ago that I truly considered the possibility that I might be transgender. One thing I can say with some confidence is that I must be transgender because I don't consider myself to be a man - which is how society sees me. Since I've been saying that for at least 20 years, that aspect feels pretty solid for me.

If I'm not a man, then what am I? And does it need to fit into one of society's boxes? Having identified that I don't feel like I belong in box M, why would I conclude that I belong in box F? Being very early in this process of self-exploration and discovery, I find myself flowing from moment to moment between my previously dominant "male" persona to my recently liberated "female" one. There's also a lot of territory between the two, and I now probably spend the majority of my time in that space - neither one nor the other. Does that make me non-binary or genderfluid? I don't know. Does it matter? Is that still trying to reduce something to a box with a label? I've always wondered why so many of routine societal identification includes gender. How often is it relevant?

Mostly, I don't mind much about what to call it or even "what I am" or where it will end up. My wife says it is sometimes like living with someone with DID: "Who am I talking to now?" Fortunately for us both, the personas aren't radically different, and she loves them both/all. What I hope to understand and achieve is what entails *the wholeness of my being* and how to manifest and express it. I just wonder if looking to societal templates (what TanyaG calls "scripts") for what it means to be female/feminine isn't potentially limiting and might prevent the realization of broader, more fulfilling possibilities.

I've never been particularly focused on my physical presentation. I'm healthy, clean, and reasonably well groomed (though I really dislike both shaving and having a beard). Clothing to me has always felt burdensome. Something very primal within me would prefer to be nearly naked most of the time. I loved summers when I was a kid, because I could wear nothing but underwear and tiny shorts and be in bliss. So clothing as a form of self-expression just isn't it for me. The same is true of jewelry, hair, makeup. I just want to be comfortable and practical - and it does seem to me like "women's clothing" offers more comfort in many instances.

Some would consider me an HSP (highly sensitive person), because sensations - especially tactile and auditory - can distract me to the point of being disabling at times. This sensitivity plays a role in my aversion to clothing but it also puts me very much in tune with my body. I'm generally very aware of even very small changes in my body and brain, which can be both a blessing and a curse. I do find my male genitalia to be extremely inconvenient, uncomfortable, and sometimes aesthetically...grotesque. Would I prefer not to have them? Maybe. It is very convenient for urinating in a variety of settings. Does that mean I'd rather have female genitalia? How would I know? I have no doubt they have their pros and cons, too. If I'd been born with them, maybe I'd be objecting to their downsides now, too. Is it that the grass is always greener on the other side?

So, I'm taking my time to feel what I feel and to feel what it's like just to be me - as fully as I'm able. Some things are clear; for example, this beard has to go. My first laser appointment is Wednesday, and I'm thrilled to be doing it. I have a routine physical exam on Thursday and will be telling my doctor of 20+ years that I'm transgender. This afternoon I have another session with my therapist where I'll continue to discuss all of this. I'm laying the groundwork for options that I may choose to pursue in the future, but I'm also nudging forward my expression of myself as a much more complex, multi-dimensional being than what I've done in the past.

Quote from: flowers_and_trees on May 19, 2025, 02:57:16 PMI find myself flowing from moment to moment between my previously dominant "male" persona to my recently liberated "female" one. There's also a lot of territory between the two, and I now probably spend the majority of my time in that space - neither one nor the other. Does that make me non-binary or genderfluid? I don't know. Does it matter? Is that still trying to reduce something to a box with a label?

Thank you for this.

My earliest perceptions of what transgender is were M ----> F, or vice versa. I don't really see myself as totally F yet. My psychologist described me as "asexual transfeminine", not as a transwoman. I now see that as, on a scale between M and F, I am in between, but closer to F than M.

Most of the time, I am just being me without trying to express any gender. It is merely a coincidence that my clothing styles are feminine, but not overtly so. I don't wear makeup or get dolled up very often. It depends on the situation. But when I do, I feel great! So now I wonder if post-op, will I see myself as F, or will I just be moving the needle further in that direction? Time will tell.

Quote from: Lori Dee on May 19, 2025, 03:12:35 PMSo now I wonder if post-op, will I see myself as F, or will I just be moving the needle further in that direction? Time will tell.

Half the fun is letting the needle move. Why settle for one life's experience when you can have more?

Quote from: Lori Dee on May 19, 2025, 03:12:35 PM"asexual transfeminine"

I like that phrase, Lori: asexual transfeminine. And appreciate Pema's self-awareness and considered introspective. Other people's journeys illuminate my own. Thanks.

Quote from: TanyaG on May 19, 2025, 03:18:23 PMHalf the fun is letting the needle move. Why settle for one life's experience when you can have more?

Exactly this. I keep thinking what an amazing gift and opportunity this realization is. Everyone is so much more than the simple binary category we were told we were supposed to be, but the huge majority of people just assume it to be true and so never even consider that there's something else - really an unlimited range of possibility.

Quote from: Lori Dee on May 19, 2025, 03:12:35 PMThank you for this.

My earliest perceptions of what transgender is were M ----> F, or vice versa. I don't really see myself as totally F yet. My psychologist described me as "asexual transfeminine", not as a transwoman. I now see that as, on a scale between M and F, I am in between, but closer to F than M.

Most of the time, I am just being me without trying to express any gender. It is merely a coincidence that my clothing styles are feminine, but not overtly so. I don't wear makeup or get dolled up very often. It depends on the situation. But when I do, I feel great! So now I wonder if post-op, will I see myself as F, or will I just be moving the needle further in that direction? Time will tell.

Thank you, Lori.

A big piece of my experience right now is this sense that I have no idea what I'm doing, that I don't know exactly what/who I am, and that other people have it so much more together than I do. Knowing that others who've been doing this far longer than I still find themselves in "undefined territory" is comforting.

And, really, why should we expect it to be defined? Don't some of the most striking works of art or scientific advancements arise when people look beyond the standard definitions and practices? Isn't that how we evolve as individuals and culture and society?

Quote from: flowers_and_trees on May 19, 2025, 03:26:37 PMEveryone is so much more than the simple binary category we were told we were supposed to be, but the huge majority of people just assume it to be true and so never even consider that there's something else - really an unlimited range of possibility.

I think it's important to hold space for the full range of experiences.

Some people truly do experience their gender as firmly binary, with no inner conflict.

~ Lilis 💗

Quote from: flowers_and_trees on May 19, 2025, 03:33:44 PMI don't know exactly what/who I am, and that other people have it so much more together than I do.

I'm not one of the people who have it more together than you do. I imagine they exist. I imagine it would be nice to be one of them. However, I have met many people who refuse to ask themselves any question they're unable to answer with any degree of certainty. They live in a yes/no, right/wrong, black/white binary world. We don't. 

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on May 19, 2025, 07:14:06 PMI'm not one of the people who have it more together than you do. I imagine they exist. I imagine it would be nice to be one of them.

No need to imagine, they're definitely out there. Many are right here in this forum.

I've met quite a few, both online and in real life.

~ Lilis 💗

Quote from: Lilis on May 19, 2025, 06:22:32 PMI think it's important to hold space for the full range of experiences.

Some people truly do experience their gender as firmly binary, with no inner conflict.

~ Lilis 💗

Very definitely. I appreciate you emphasizing this.

As I anticipate having a conversation about all of this with my mother when she visits in a few weeks, I think about how few people have even contemplated the possibility that gender is a very broad (and contrived?) concept. People who haven't are probably likely to be quite content with the choices being offered.

I don't feel like I have an inner conflict other than that I suddenly have infinitely more options than I was aware existed and can now explore them - which does feel a bit overwhelming at times. The biggest challenge I see is finding a way to convey my experience to others who have never questioned what they were told about who they are.

I completely respect - and celebrate - anyone who is truly happy being themselves, whomever that may be. The absence of inner conflict is the ultimate goal, no matter how you arrive there.

Quote from: Lilis on May 19, 2025, 07:46:45 PMNo need to imagine, they're definitely out there. Many are right here in this forum.

I've met quite a few, both online and in real life.

~ Lilis 💗

Amen. People who have it more together than I do are abundant.

Quote from: flowers_and_trees on May 19, 2025, 09:16:13 PMThe absence of inner conflict is the ultimate goal, no matter how you arrive there.

Quote from: flowers_and_trees on May 19, 2025, 09:26:09 PMAmen. People who have it more together than I do are abundant.

Pema, please read this What is gender identity? (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247148.msg2262144.html#msg2262144)


~ Lilis 🫂

Quote from: Lilis on May 19, 2025, 09:38:21 PMPema, please read this What is gender identity? (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247148.msg2262144.html#msg2262144)


~ Lilis 🫂

I did when I first came here, but I just re-read it. I appreciate the refresher.

Quote from: Pema on May 19, 2025, 09:16:13 PMI think about how few people have even contemplated the possibility that gender is a very broad (and contrived?) concept. People who haven't are probably likely to be quite content with the choices being offered.

In your intro you wrote:

Quote from: Pema on May 19, 2025, 09:16:13 PMI don't hate my body or even my genitals. After 61 years with it, I feel pretty conditioned to life with this configuration. But it does feel "odd" and physically uncomfortable to me. I have no idea at this point what I may decide to do about that. I'm not at all enthusiastic about entering into the medical system (for any reason). My partner has asked, "If someone could snap their fingers and give you good results of a sex-reassignment surgery, would you want it." Yes, I would.

The WHO has a pretty good definition of gender, which is:

'Gender interacts with but is different from sex, which refers to the different biological and physiological characteristics of females, males and intersex persons, such as chromosomes, hormones and reproductive organs. Gender and sex are related to but different from gender identity. Gender identity refers to a person's deeply felt, internal and individual experience of gender, which may or may not correspond to the person's physiology or designated sex at birth.'

I'm a retired doctor who has had a lifelong interest in the psychology of being trans (illuminated by my personal experience!) and I very much associate with your statement that gender is a broad concept. I also agree it's contrived, because gender is something we learn from the age of about three or four and something which society decides, with every society having different rules for gender behaviour.

For people who are strongly binary, sex and gender appear to be the same. This includes cis people, but also trans people who are feel they have been born in the wrong body. In the latter case, changing the physical appearance of their sex (aka 'phenotype') will fix the mismatch for them, because it will make their phenotypical sex and gender expression align.

I considered gender affirming care for a long time. Decades, in point of fact. But in the end, helped by a legion of psychologists and an analyst digging around in my head, I realised it wouldn't be a solution for me. In those days there wasn't a word for it, but I'm non-binary and so have no more attachment to being gendered male than I do to being gendered female. I can quite happily rock both.

The reason I'm throwing my personal experience in here is your comment about how you would have SRS if it could be done in a snap of the fingers? I would too. Still would in fact. But after a lot of thinking, reading and some honest levelling with myself, if I did have GAMC and became a trans woman, all I would have done is put myself on the other side of a two way mirror. Effectively, I would be no better off, because I'm non-binary.

I'm reading the comments I've quoted from you and seeing myself in them Pema. You are right about this gender thing being broad and contrived. From a therapy point of view, maybe it's within that perception of yours you need to look in order to find yourself? I'd hazard a reasonably confident guess that that's going to be a really good starting place for you. Very few people come up with such an accurate framing so fast and you've one shotted it.

Quote from: TanyaG on May 20, 2025, 03:51:32 AMFor people who are strongly binary, sex and gender appear to be the same. This includes cis people, but also trans people who are feel they have been born in the wrong body. In the latter case, changing the physical appearance of their sex (aka 'phenotype') will fix the mismatch for them, because it will make their phenotypical sex and gender expression align.

This! Thank you, Tanya! 💗


~ Lilis 🫂

Quote from: Lilis on May 19, 2025, 07:46:45 PMNo need to imagine, they're definitely out there. Many are right here in this forum.

No argument there, Lilis. So many of the people I've met on this site are beautiful and complete unto themselves. And I, too, have met such people in the 'real' world. But I have also met so many more people who are absolutely certain of God's (or the Creator's) expectations of themselves and of me. I lack that sense of certainty. And that sense of uncertainty gives me hope that I will, someday, fully become. Or, perhaps more accurately, become fully aware of whom I have always been.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on May 20, 2025, 06:57:00 PMAnd that sense of uncertainty gives me hope that I will, someday, fully become. Or, perhaps more accurately, become fully aware of whom I have always been.

"Maybe the journey isn't about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't really you, so that you can be who you were meant to be in the first place."  :)

Quote from: Lori Dee on May 20, 2025, 07:15:06 PM. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't really you,

Beautifully stated, Lori! And thank you so much because it really does seem so much more like an 'unbecoming' than a 'becoming.' Perhaps it's both. Whatever the heck is going on, it is one heck of a rollercoaster ride. 

Quote from: TanyaG on May 20, 2025, 03:51:32 AMI'm reading the comments I've quoted from you and seeing myself in them Pema. You are right about this gender thing being broad and contrived. From a therapy point of view, maybe it's within that perception of yours you need to look in order to find yourself? I'd hazard a reasonably confident guess that that's going to be a really good starting place for you. Very few people come up with such an accurate framing so fast and you've one shotted it.

Thank you, Tanya. Trust me, this is currently very much the core of where I'm exploring myself these days. I'm flabbergasted that you see me as having figured anything out, because the more I investigate, the less clear it all becomes, and the more questions I have. That has been my lifelong pattern, though; once I start looking into something, I seem to end up in a place of asking, "Wait a minute. What are we even talking about here?" This feels similar, and yet... There's also clearly something within me that yearns to be realigned in some way.

For me, there seem to be two fairly distinct pursuits: the intellectual/psychological question of where I fit within this cultural framework called "gender" (and whether it matters) and my spiritual path and emotional experience of being on Earth in human form. At times, I'm not even sure the two are even connected, although they seem to be for most people. The second is definitely the most important to me. My hope is to expand myself so that I can reach the greatest potential accessible to me in this lifetime, and I think living from my heart and feeling and expressing the fullness of my being is the way to do that.

I am so grateful to everyone here for sharing their experiences and for nudging me this way and that when I write clumsily about my own. You all are absolute treasures.

Quote from: Pema on May 21, 2025, 01:30:26 PMFor me, there seem to be two fairly distinct pursuits: the intellectual/psychological question of where I fit within this cultural framework called "gender" (and whether it matters) and my spiritual path and emotional experience of being on Earth in human form.

One of the toughest achievements in mountain climb we all face is deciding we need to climb the mountain in the first place. Plenty of us spend decades circling the mountain before we grit our teeth to make the ascent, but we have to begin the ascent to find our answers and they may lie close at hand, or at the summit, for we all differ.

So in identifying you need to find out where you fit in the mountain of the cultural framework called gender, you've made a decision which will bring sense to your life and help you find where you fit. Almost by definition the climb is also an emotional and spiritual experience because our spirit, the 'who are we?' part of our characters is involved, because this is an existential task. Every part of our character, our very being, is affected.

So, being flabbergasted is good, but be confident in yourself because you are on the journey to discovering who you would be if others had not decided it for you.

Quote from: TanyaG on May 21, 2025, 01:58:59 PM...you are on the journey to discovering who you would be if others had not decided it for you.

This is it for me. And I'm very much a "journey more than destination" person.

Quote from: Pema on May 21, 2025, 02:04:54 PMThis is it for me. And I'm very much a "journey more than destination" person.

I'm not certain I'll ever know if I've arrived, you know? And I like that, because I'm as comfortable with chaos as I am with entropy. A perfect balance might be a little bit understimulating for me, perhaps. So it sounds as if we're alike in that respect.

Quote from: TanyaG on May 21, 2025, 02:19:32 PMI'm not certain I'll ever know if I've arrived, you know? And I like that, because I'm as comfortable with chaos as I am with entropy. A perfect balance might be a little bit understimulating for me, perhaps. So it sounds as if we're alike in that respect.

Quote from: Pema on May 21, 2025, 02:04:54 PMThis is it for me. And I'm very much a "journey more than destination" person.

I am reading a book called "You and your Gender Identity A guide to Discovery ", by Dara Hoffman-Fox. There is statement he makes that  really resonated with me.

Remember if you focus too much on the destination,  you'll miss all the amazing stuff in-between. @TanyaG

Quote from: Pema on May 21, 2025, 01:30:26 PMFor me, there seem to be two fairly distinct pursuits: the intellectual/psychological question of where I fit within this cultural framework called "gender" (and whether it matters) and my spiritual path and emotional experience of being on Earth in human form.

I wrestled with this for a long time. In the end, my spirituality provided the explanation. If we accept the biblical account of the creation of humans, it states that once we received the "breath of life", we became "living souls". It does not say that we became bodies with souls. We are souls that are alive. The body is merely a vessel for the spirit within. When we can truly see this in ourselves and others, the cracks in the vessel are not flaws but make it more beautiful and unique.

Quote from: Pema on May 21, 2025, 01:30:26 PMFor me, there seem to be two fairly distinct pursuits: the intellectual/psychological question of where I fit within this cultural framework called "gender" (and whether it matters) and my spiritual path and emotional experience of being on Earth in human form. At times, I'm not even sure the two are even connected, although they seem to be for most people. The second is definitely the most important to me. My hope is to expand myself so that I can reach the greatest potential accessible to me in this lifetime, and I think living from my heart and feeling and expressing the fullness of my being is the way to do that.

Hello Pema,

Kudos for taking on all aspects of self exploration... Sadly sometimes this is something of a last frontier of sorts as we can spend so much of our life avoiding it or distracted from it... Eventually it makes demands of us and when we rise to those demands... The rewards are great indeed! 🌻

I believe on the first point... searching for labels to apply to ourself or where to place ourself on a scale of gender etc are far less important than answering the question: What do I need to do to to align my life and make it the experience that connects me better to myself..., to the world,... to others... and that truly serves the needs of the soul within?... 🌻

As we address that question... the spiritual aspects of all this begin to fall into place as well... For myself... I always viewed transition as primarily a spiritual quest of sorts... Can any of us say we have truly experience love if we have never shown our true self to others... To love someone... you most know them and sharing myself with anyone was the last thing I felt able to do for most of my life... I believe transition is an attempt to place ourself at a point in our own life where we can truly share and experience love... by making ourself known to others.🌻

That self I speak of can be hard to unearth... it can be quite the process after how long we have spent burying, ignoring, camouflaging and denying that self... That self is found as we find ways to unearth the long buried puzzle pieces and assemble them into the beautiful picture they were always intended to create... The spiritual process is worth any and all energy expended... Happy Digging!🤗

Onward We Go Brave Sister,

Ashley 💕

Quote from: tgirlamg on May 21, 2025, 03:04:55 PMI always viewed transition as primarily a spiritual quest of sorts... Can any of us say we have truly experience love if we have never shown our true self to others...

I am still digesting your words, Ashley. But they resonate within my own soul. Like Pema and so many others within Susan's I am trying to reveal my true self but it sometimes feels as though I am in a house of mirrors and no two reflections are identical. I do my best. Like Pema, I want clarity. I want to shout 'I am' and know exactly who I'm talking about. Thanks to you and so many others within Susan's, I believe that moment will someday crystallize from all the diverse images reflected in the mirrors. But you are so right, Ash, the journey may very well be the destination.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on May 21, 2025, 08:04:44 PMBut you are so right, Ash, the journey may very well be the destination.

Annika,

Thank You for the sweet words sister! 🌸

As we look back at the many mountains we climb... thinking that the top was the destination... We see that the mountains were merely stepping stones to what comes next... 🌻

Onward We Go!

A 💕

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on May 21, 2025, 08:04:44 PMit sometimes feels as though I am in a house of mirrors and no two reflections are identical. I do my best. Like Pema, I want clarity.

Clarity takes time to come for many of us. An experience that might chime for some is that undestanding one's own gender incongruency is like hunting deer. Deer are so well camouflaged they disappear when they stand still, even in the open. So you don't end up looking for 'a deer' you must look for what might be a bit of a deer. Having focused on that bit, then you can pull the focus back and suddenly, you see the whole animal and think, 'How could I fail to spot that?'

As an aside, as a kid, I won a challenge several times which was to sneak up on a deer and touch it before it spotted me. It can be done, but it takes almost infinite patience, especially with roe, fallow, reds and sika. I've never managed it with a muntjac :)

Quote from: TanyaG on May 22, 2025, 04:34:19 AMespecially with roe, fallow, reds and sika. I've never managed it with a muntjac

Life is much simpler, Tanya, on this side of the pond. We have mule deer and whitetail deer. With coastal and Alaskan varieties but, and someone can correct me if I am in error, all the deer are one or the other of the two species. And I could never get close enough to either species to touch one of them with my hand. I admire your patience and stealth. 

You all have added so much value to this conversation.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on May 21, 2025, 08:04:44 PMI am trying to reveal my true self but it sometimes feels as though I am in a house of mirrors and no two reflections are identical. I do my best. Like Pema, I want clarity. I want to shout 'I am' and know exactly who I'm talking about.

Annika, I guess I should clarify that I am eager to see whether this exploration settles into something resembling "clarity," I'm very much here for the process itself, not necessarily the outcome. And are we ever really "done" or is there reason to believe (and even hope) that personal growth and self-discovery are a neverending part of our lives?

On my spiritual path, I continue to encounter - spanning millennia and cultures - teachers who've said that beneath our ego/persona/character, there is a very simple Being, an "I am" that transcends and precedes the conditioning that has been imposed since we were born. Practices like meditation, stillness, connection with the natural world can serve as portals that allow us to reconnect with that Being. I've gone through phases in my life where I was much more in that place than at other times, and I've experienced first-hand how peaceful and "right" that feels for me. In fact, it was a very abrupt and deep return to those practices in January that led me to the realization and acceptance that I am transgender.

What still puzzles me greatly is that that fundamental Being that we all share - and share with all that exists - is genderless. So gender is one of the many add-on layers that exist within the environment where we've incarnated in physical form. I don't think that invalidates in any way the desires we have to identify and express ourselves in ways that society labels as gender-specific - or in any other ways for that matter. Ultimately, I think we're here to figure out what it means to be "me" and share that with the world.

All of which to say that the underlying "I am" doesn't need to be categorized. You are you, and you don't have to explain to anyone what or who that is using paradigms and language that you didn't choose and so can never convey your truth.

Quote from: tgirlamg on May 21, 2025, 08:49:53 PMAs we look back at the many mountains we climb... thinking that the top was the destination... We see that the mountains were merely stepping stones to what comes next... 🌻

Ashley, I'm right there with you. My wife and I love backpacking. We plan these epic week-long adventures deep into the wilderness, prepare everything, including our route and campsites, and it literally never goes exactly the way we planned or looks the way we imagined it would. It's always SO much more. Sometimes we'll hike for hours to reach a mountain pass that we've thought will be the pinnacle only to arrive there and see what lies beyond, and I'll exclaim, "Holy %$&^! Entirely new content!" There is always more. Why would we ever want to become complacent and decide we've finished becoming who we're capable of being?

Quote from: TanyaG on May 22, 2025, 04:34:19 AMDeer are so well camouflaged they disappear when they stand still, even in the open. So you don't end up looking for 'a deer' you must look for what might be a bit of a deer. Having focused on that bit, then you can pull the focus back and suddenly, you see the whole animal and think, 'How could I fail to spot that?'

I love this metaphor, Tanya. I often *feel* them before I see them. I'll be walking along a trail and stop because I have the sense that something/someone is there, and I'll look up and see a deer standing as still as can be, staring right at me. I don't even know how I know in which direction to look. This has happened more times than I can remember, and it's a bit eerie.

Very similarly, while examining my gender identity using my mind is entertaining and does provide historical and contextual insight for what I'm feeling, but what matters most is what it is I feel. Allowing myself the freedom to feel it and see where those feelings take me ends up being far more meaningful than the analytical activity. It was this very aspect of my "awakening" back in January that led to my very rational mind being unable to deny that there is a woman inside of me who is very much ready to have her time in the sun.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on May 22, 2025, 12:59:20 PMWe have mule deer and whitetail deer.

I left out Chinese Water Deer. We have those too! Red and roe are our only native species, the fallow arrived with the Normans, the rest escaped from parks. I love deer, they have such grace.

I learned to outwit deer when I was a child, my father would go into a rage over something that happened at work, take it out on me (and my brother after he was born) and it wasn't unusual to be thrown out the house, often all night. I dealt with it by having a stash of warm clothes and boots, and I'd live as a creature of the dark and that's how I got to know deer. They can scent you half a mile away if the wind's in their favour and hear you coming over half that distance. Compared to say whitetail they are all super alert, sika especially, but roe spend their lives ready to run on the instant.

Further into my teens, I used my deer taught skills to sneak into Ginny's parents house and spend the night with her, so I owe my tutors much more than a brief touch of my hand pressed against their warm hide.

Quote from: TanyaG on May 22, 2025, 01:50:39 PMmy father would go into a rage

I had to catch my breath as I read the above passage. So many times I've turned to you for guidance without realizing the depths of the pain that helped formed such a compassionate soul. On the brighter side, an opportunity to spend the night with Ginny was no doubt a panacea for whatever wounds inflicted by your father. Once upon a time, I was a hunter. And know deer well and though I realized long ago that they are much more beautiful alive than they are dead, I still savor a bit of venison now and then (my daughter is a bit of aa nimrod). So, as long we're on the topic of Ginny...

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on May 22, 2025, 04:50:03 PMOn the brighter side, an opportunity to spend the night with Ginny was no doubt a panacea for whatever wounds inflicted by your father.

She was one of those simple twists of fate that changes the path of your life. Ginny was the first person who helped me understand dad was the problem (and my mother an accessory after the fact) and the flak I was taking wasn't because of anything I'd done, or deserved to have happen. Until we fell for each other it was like I had been on this single track railroad with a fixed destination I didn't want to reach and suddenly, she offered a chance to switch to another track. There's lots of reasons why I'm indebted to her, but that's the one that stands out.

To frame this back into Pema's narrative, the thing Ginny helped me understand was that just because others bring you up with no choice but to play one set of rules doesn't make those rules appropriate for you, or deny you agency to choose to live by another set. She helped bring me the confidence to see that standing on my own two feet wasn't possible if I continued to play the deck my parents handed me.

Ginny showed me other decks existed and if Pema's reading this, I hope it helps, because I spent quite a few years trying to get those other decks in focus, once I'd spotted their ears twitching out there in the forest edge.

I had my first laser treatment on my beard two weeks ago. It wasn't a pleasant experience, but it wasn't awful either. What was worse was the acne that followed about three days later. And the no-shave-week's beard growth. Then, it was nearly impossible to shave because of the acne - far worse than anything I had in my teens. I got some salicylic acid face wash, and that's helped considerably. The next treatment is in two weeks. I'm hoping it won't reignite the acne, but I'm emotionally prepared that it will. I sure hope this eliminates a good fraction of my beard.

I also had my physical exam two weeks ago in which I told my doctor I'm transgender. Aside from when I told her I'm going by the name "Pema" (which she immediately wrote in her notes), she seemed mostly unfazed.

My mother's visit next week has been cancelled because of family issues at her end. She's fine but needs to stay to look after her sister until her health situation stabilizes. Maybe she'll come in July. I have feelings of both disappointment and relief.

Today my wife and I went clothes shopping, mostly for me. She had already ordered several new women's shirts for me - all of which I really like - so today we tried out various pants. They all fit me off the shelf better than any pants I've ever bought. Shorter legs, rounder hips, plus lighter fabrics that are more comfortable. Why didn't I do this years ago? They're not particularly dressy pants, sort of outdoor/casual wear, which will be my general style. Still, it's a big departure from the denim jeans that I've worn most of my life. My sweet wife had already bought me several styles and colors of panties, also all absolutely lovely.

My hair is growing out nicely after my last 12mm (1/2-inch) buzz cut that had me nearly in tears. It's reached the annoying stage where it's long enough to tickle my ears but not long enough to restrain in any way. I had a ponytail for 20 years in my younger days; I still remember this phase. As so many here have mentioned, the longer hair really does make it much easier to see the woman in the mirror.

I've contacted a gender therapist in the area and am hoping to hear from her this week. I'd love for that to work out so that maybe someone with some experience can suggest next steps. I'll be honest; there's a part of me that wonders if she'll say, "You're not unhappy enough with your life to justify doing anything serious. It sounds like you're just 'not feeling it' as a man and want to try something different." And I do ask myself sometimes how uncomfortable a person needs to be to take a leap like this.

I don't feel an urgency to do anything - other than just continue to explore my inner experience of myself and look for opportunities to express that self in as authentic a way as possible. I'm blessed to have such a supportive partner to assist me with this process. And to have all of you accompany me on this road.

Quote from: Pema on June 03, 2025, 06:44:16 PMI'll be honest; there's a part of me that wonders if she'll say, "You're not unhappy enough with your life to justify doing anything serious.

In the same way that we each have a different tolerance of pain, so do we all differ in tolerance of discomfort with ourselves.

Well, let's see... You are permanently removing facial hair, changing wardrobe, and have notified your spouse and medical personnel of your preferred name and gender. That sounds more serious than "just dabbling".

Congrats on moving forward. No one can tell you what your pace should be. It is when you move at a pace that you are not comfortable with that problems occur. You are on the right track.

Pema!

What a wonderful update!... Kudos on the many steps taken! 🌻

I find myself in agreement with @Lori Dee that this sounds like a bit more than dabbling but, there is no need to rush or take any step in all of this that does not resonate with you! You don't need a game plan at all other than seeking out the joys that each day holds for you... Sometimes it is best to simply hold space for whatever the days to come bring us and the paths that reveal themselves and beckon us! 🌻

All good things to you and your loving wife! 🌸

Onward!

Ashley 💕

Pema, this is wonderful to hear. I am so glad to hear you have reached out to a therapist. I think this is a great step in your process. Someone outside of your immediate family with experience in this area to help you can be very helpful. It is pleasant to follow your journey as
 well. You are indeed an amazing individual who is embracing each day with wonderful energy. I feel so happy for you that you have a loving person to share this with you.

I also feel you are more than just dabbling at this but embracing who you really are. As stated it is perfectly fine to go at a pace that is a slow as you feel comfortable with. It is who you feel comfortable with and I can relate with how you feel.

Keep moving onward sister. 💕🌸🌺

Annaliese

Thank you, @Lori Dee, @tgirlamg, @Annaliese. It all feels like movement in a positive direction for me.

I heard back from the therapist, and she has no openings. After the initial disappointment that I need to keep looking, I've contacted my second choice and am looking for others. The Universe told me she wasn't the one, and I appreciate that.

Today will soon have me back out into the garden after a "day off" yesterday. My body needs a break every few days. There's so much to do out there (always is), and I love it.

Quote from: Pema on June 04, 2025, 11:22:45 AMThank you, @Lori Dee, @tgirlamg, @Annaliese. It all feels like movement in a positive direction for me.

I heard back from the therapist, and she has no openings. After the initial disappointment that I need to keep looking, I've contacted my second choice and am looking for others. The Universe told me she wasn't the one, and I appreciate that.

Today will soon have me back out into the garden after a "day off" yesterday. My body needs a break every few days. There's so much to do out there (always is), and I love it.

Pema, it took me about a week and a half of searching until I was able locate a therapist. Hang in there girl, 🤗 Annaliese

Quote from: Pema on June 04, 2025, 11:22:45 AMThe Universe told me she wasn't the one, and I appreciate that.

This is how I choose to view it as well.

As the old saying goes, "When the student is ready, the Master will appear."

The Universe doesn't always give us what we want, but it will give us what we need.

Yesterday my wife and I went for our traditional first hike of the season to begin getting into shape for summer backpacking. We chose our go-to spot - not too difficult but not too easy either. It's a familiar, lovely, uncrowded place in nature that takes about an hour to drive to.

The weather was perfect; mostly overcast and 60F/16C to 68F/20C - ideal for comfort while climbing. The entire hiking route is forested, parts of it adjacent to or across creeks. The wildflowers, birds, new growth on trees, the smells... It all just feels like a primeval "home" every time we're in it.

But yesterday was the first time I was there as myself, Pema. Within just a few minutes, my wife was teary. She saw and felt it. I was different. Soon, I became very aware of it myself. I told her I felt "gentler." She said, "Yes." After a couple of miles, we arrived at a waterfall that is a place you just have to stop and be in awe. I waved to the waterfall and said, "Hi, I'm Pema" with tears in my eyes. I had seen it many times before, but never in that way, fully present as myself. It was magical in the same ways it always has been but also in new and special ways.

From there, we climbed to our lunch spot, a clearing with a view of the lake and hills below. As we ate, my wife asked me what I'd meant earlier by feeling gentler. I love when she asks me questions about my experiences of my feelings, because it prompts me to explore deeply what it is that I experience of myself. I told her it was that I came to the hike with no agenda for the day, that I didn't have any sense of "we need to..." for the hike nor anything that followed. It would all unfold as it would, and that would be wonderful. With that absence of a schedule, there was no rigidity, so I could just be completely present in the moment and enjoy myself, who was with me, and where we were. We agreed that a lot of that freedom was made possible by her having recently shed her lifelong tendencies to stack desires to a point where it became impossible to achieve everything she wanted to do in a day. Now we could just let go and appreciate what is, right now.

Over the course of 10 miles/16 km, we saw 14 other people. Sometimes we'd chat for a minute or two before continuing on. My wife said that Pema is much friendlier with strangers than <old_name> was. She said she'd look over at me and see the Pema smile as I was talking with them. I wasn't even aware of it; I was just happy to be there and to feel free. She also said she felt awful referring to me as "he" during those brief chats. It's OK. All in due time.

Was this my first time "out in public?" How does one define that? None of those strangers saw me as a woman. We encountered two different mixed couples, and both men did the classic thing of turning to talk to me whenever one of the obvious two women spoke. (I've always disliked that.) My wife and I were dressed very similarly; I was even wearing a new pair of women's hiking pants that fit me perfectly. Odds are good that I'll never wear a dress, so it's hard to say what will qualify as my first time out in public. I'm not sure it matters.

On Saturday we'll participate in the local protest, and I'll be Pema there, too. Nobody but my wife and two or three close friends will know, and that's fine, too. What matters most to me is my internal experience of myself and the effect that has on my experience and engagement with the world. Every time I have a new experience - even of a familiar place or activity - as Pema, it reinforces the significance, the validity, the truth of who I am after the decades of conditioning are stripped away.

Pema!,

Coming to a place where we can finally see ourself, others and the world through new eyes is much of the heart of this journey... Enjoy it all Sister!

Onward!!!

Ashley 💕

Quote from: Pema on June 12, 2025, 02:55:22 PMThe entire hiking route is forested, parts of it adjacent to or across creeks. The wildflowers, birds, new growth on trees, the smells... It all just feels like a primeval "home" every time we're in it.

Such a beautifully told tale, Pema. I sensed the spirituality of the outing from your words. Your wife is an amazing woman and I am so happy for the two of you. I'm not sure what you're protesting but stay safe. These are difficult times.

Thank you, @tgirlamg. I really am trying to enjoy it all, and feeling pretty successful at it.

Annika, you are very generous with your praise. You are absolutely spot-on with your recognition of the outing as spiritual, but I could never find the words to convey it fully. And my wife is an amazing woman and being. We are blessed to have found each other and made it to the place we are today. We'll be very careful on Saturday. We're in a heavily like-minded community, but the risks are never zero.

Nature has this weird habit of making everything else seem insignificant.

Quoteand both men did the classic thing of turning to talk to me whenever one of the obvious two women spoke. (I've always disliked that).

Take it as positive reinforcement, Pema. Kind of something you have to get about guys... most of the time, the "little woman" doesn't matter. If they aren't attracted to you then you aren't even on their radar. They have to be directed in any kind of conversation ;D

I suspect that the vibes you gave off during your hike... when you weren't thinking about yourself... were more than you might think, Pema. Never assume how people see you sweetie. It's based like 99% on how you see yourself. You are the pebble in a pond, and you see the ripples of the impact you have. :)

Quote from: Sephirah on June 13, 2025, 09:27:49 AMKind of something you have to get about guys... most of the time, the "little woman" doesn't matter. If they aren't attracted to you then you aren't even on their radar.

I'm temperamentally not a generaliser, so for my 2p I'd venture it's more complicated than that because the stereotypes around masculinity and femininity do no service to how diverse people are. Men are as variable as women in how much attention they pay to other people and while men and women look at other sexes in different ways, even that is only a trend, there being a lot of overlap.

My personal view is most people are so wrapped up in their own experience they don't tend to notice others unless they really stand out. When I was doing psychology we did this really funny experiment where three students shaved off half their beards, vertically, so left side clean, right side bearded, or whatever. Then they walked down a street and we filmed the reactions of passersby from a window that looked right down the road. Hardly anyone noticed, either male or female. There were a couple of amazing double takes, but that was out of upward of a hundred people. We did the same experiment with three of the girls, who made their faces up completely differently on each side, and again, hardly anyone noticed.

Not to mention a friend of mine who wore one pale brown knee boot and one black one for an entire day and only realised she'd got two different colours on a four thirty in the afternoon, when she crossed her legs twice in quick succession. Or a friend of mine one time in BC who sauntered past a big sow grizzly eating that strange cabbage stuff they eat in the spring to get their bowels going. I thought it was the coolest thing ever until he said, 'What bear?'

People aren't very observant and furthermore they're easily distracted, which is how magicians work their tricks. And if you behave like my friend did and act like there's nothing to see, even bears don't see it :)

This morning I had an introductory meeting with a gender therapist. I didn't come away ecstatic about her, but I wasn't put off either, so I'll give it a go. Her next available session was a month from now, and I booked it.

She was older than most I've considered - in other words, my age. I see pros and cons to both younger and older therapists. She's licensed in my state, so she'd be able to provide a diagnosis that could help me get gender-affirming care if I choose that path. She also comes with a diverse spiritual background that I appreciate and hope will be helpful. I told her I was hoping she might be able to help me separate the "noise" (internal and external) from the "signal" (what is true and authentic within me) so that I can determine what kinds of lifestyle changes I might want to adopt to feel more whole.

I asked about her experience with clients who are wide-open as I am about their gender identity, for whom it may be that the only clear understanding is that they do not belong to the category that they were assigned. She said she has extensive experience with it, but...

She said I'd likely be the oldest client she'd worked with on gender identity, and she relished the opportunity. She said younger people usually have at least one if not many other confounding issues in play - other aspects of their identity, primary relationships, family, jobs, etc. - and those regularly come to the fore and prevent clean access to the gender questions. She understood that I didn't have those barriers and thought that should make things easier. I hope she's right.

She asked a bit about my spiritual path. In summarizing it, I told her I've just never been a follower, that I prefer to find what works for me and go my own way. She heard a similar response when we talked about gender identity. I'm not looking for an off-the-shelf solution but one that suits *me* for who I am. She seemed to get it, saying, "I'm hearing that you're not looking for acceptance or membership in a tribe. That's important for some people, but it doesn't seem to be for you." I'd hesitated to use that language, but it's accurate. I felt encouraged by her seeing that.

Tomorrow I'll have my second laser treatment on my beard. I hope my skin doesn't go berserk (acne) like it did last time.

Now, finally, to get the summer squashes out of their containers and into the ground.

That sounds wonderful.

It is not unusual to feel uncertain about the people we open up to. But over a few sessions, I think you will discover that rapport is built. It will take a lot more talking as you get to know each other. The fact that there isn't much age difference could be a huge asset. When you describe something in particular, she will know exactly what you meant. Whereas someone younger might not.

I am hoping that she can get you to ask yourself the right questions and provide a supportive third-party view that will lead you to the answers you seek. I believe that you are on the right path.  :)

Quote from: Pema on June 17, 2025, 05:36:10 PMThis morning I had an introductory meeting with a gender therapist. I didn't come away ecstatic about her, but I wasn't put off either, so I'll give it a go. Her next available session was a month from now, and I booked it.

She was older than most I've considered - in other words, my age. I see pros and cons to both younger and older therapists. She's licensed in my state, so she'd be able to provide a diagnosis that could help me get gender-affirming care if I choose that path. She also comes with a diverse spiritual background that I appreciate and hope will be helpful. I told her I was hoping she might be able to help me separate the "noise" (internal and external) from the "signal" (what is true and authentic within me) so that I can determine what kinds of lifestyle changes I might want to adopt to feel more whole.

I asked about her experience with clients who are wide-open as I am about their gender identity, for whom it may be that the only clear understanding is that they do not belong to the category that they were assigned. She said she has extensive experience with it, but...

She said I'd likely be the oldest client she'd worked with on gender identity, and she relished the opportunity. She said younger people usually have at least one if not many other confounding issues in play - other aspects of their identity, primary relationships, family, jobs, etc. - and those regularly come to the fore and prevent clean access to the gender questions. She understood that I didn't have those barriers and thought that should make things easier. I hope she's right.

She asked a bit about my spiritual path. In summarizing it, I told her I've just never been a follower, that I prefer to find what works for me and go my own way. She heard a similar response when we talked about gender identity. I'm not looking for an off-the-shelf solution but one that suits *me* for who I am. She seemed to get it, saying, "I'm hearing that you're not looking for acceptance or membership in a tribe. That's important for some people, but it doesn't seem to be for you." I'd hesitated to use that language, but it's accurate. I felt encouraged by her seeing that.

Tomorrow I'll have my second laser treatment on my beard. I hope my skin doesn't go berserk (acne) like it did last time.

Now, finally, to get the summer squashes out of their containers and into the ground.

The only thing I take issue with, Pema... and this is really the only thing I take issue with is... that I don't believe therapists should be going into spirituality. I have known a few people in my life who tried do use that to make arguments one way or the other. I think it's well outside the scope of what therapists are, and should be trained to deal with. At least in terms of the scope of what you're feeling. The fact that you stood up for yourself is a good thing, Pema. And I hope she can help you get to where you want to be, honey.

I hope for the very best for you, because you deserve it. From what I've seen of you here, Pema. You really only need the full stop (period for you US folks... means something entirely different in the UK), on who you are. You seem to be very switched on, very in touch with yourself, and very clued in to who you are and where you need to go. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that this therapist makes me a bit uneasy, just because of your conversation. But... if you can get past the loaded stuff and work on you... I wish you the best, sweetie. Sincerely. <3

Thank you, Lori. I agree that our comparable ages will probably make our communication much smoother than if there were a significant difference. I'm hopeful that it will be productive. I'd love to get started tomorrow, but that's just the eager "let's do this!" in me. I can also be very patient.

Lauren, I sincerely appreciate your concerns, thank you. I assure you that there are few people on this planet who are more resistant to hard-sells and dogma than I am. I brought up spirituality with her in the same way I did in my introduction here: All of this arose for me out of what I can only call a spiritual awakening. She subsequently asked about my spiritual path to discern, I think, the degree to which it plays a role in my gender identity puzzle. Trust me, if she (or anyone else) gives even a hint of pushing a doctrine on me, they'll get a very clear indication that it's unwelcome. Just ask the high school classmate of mine who sought me out on FB many years ago and tried to save my soul.

Quote from: Pema on June 17, 2025, 07:58:58 PMLauren, I sincerely appreciate your concerns, thank you. I assure you that there are few people on this planet who are more resistant to hard-sells and dogma than I am. I brought up spirituality with her in the same way I did in my introduction here: All of this arose for me out of what I can only call a spiritual awakening. She subsequently asked about my spiritual path to discern, I think, the degree to which it plays a role in my gender identity puzzle. Trust me, if she (or anyone else) gives even a hint of pushing a doctrine on me, they'll get a very clear indication that it's unwelcome. Just ask the high school classmate of mine who sought me out on FB many years ago and tried to save my soul.

Hah, Pema, you are the kind of girl the world needs more of. No one can sell you an "Apocalypse Bucket"

Keep being you, girl. Like Annika, I think you are both extremely, and fundamentally in tune with yourself. And... it's kind of weird but I think you're both in a place to appreciate what that means. There's a whole lot to be said for that, sweetie.

Quote from: Pema on June 17, 2025, 05:36:10 PMShe said I'd likely be the oldest client she'd worked with on gender identity, and she relished the opportunity. She said younger people usually have at least one if not many other confounding issues in play - other aspects of their identity, primary relationships, family, jobs, etc. - and those regularly come to the fore and prevent clean access to the gender questions. She understood that I didn't have those barriers and thought that should make things easier. I hope she's right.

Great to have a therapist who's looking forward to working with you, that's a big positive. The ideal therapist is almost transparent, in as much as their personality doesn't intrude on the conversation, but it really helps having someone you can get on with and relate to because when challenging moments come, it's confidence in the therapist that'll get you through.

So see how it goes, you'll get a feel for it over the first few sessions and if you don't think you've made the absolutely right choice and change, they won't be wasted. All my best wishes and good luck too!

The second round of laser treatment on the beard was much, much less painful than the first, and that was with her slightly increasing the power and my not using lidocaine in advance. So the initial round must have removed a significant number of whiskers. That's very encouraging.

I spoke to my mom on the phone this morning as I do nearly every week. This was really the first time I felt like I was truly Pema throughout the conversation. I still haven't had the conversation with her, but I do feel like as I shift gradually toward increasingly embodying my feminine self when I interact with my mother, it has to sort of lay the groundwork for the conversation. At least I'd like to think so.

Quote from: Pema on June 17, 2025, 07:58:58 PMtried to save my soul.

I'm not being facile. But send her/him/they my way, Pema. If someone can save my soul, I want to hear them out.

Quote from: Dances With Trees on June 18, 2025, 06:29:26 PMI'm not being facile. But send her/him/they my way, Pema. If someone can save my soul, I want to hear them out.

Annika, I'm fairly certain he couldn't and that you've heard the pitch before. Besides, I'd rather not re-establish my connection with him to introduce you.

Quote from: Pema on June 18, 2025, 09:02:18 PMAnnika, I'm fairly certain he couldn't and that you've heard the pitch before.

No doubt, Pema. But hope springs eternal in the land of lost souls. And I understand your reluctance to make an introduction. I went to my 10th class reunion (high school). That seemed quite enough.

Quote from: Pema on June 18, 2025, 06:09:34 PMI spoke to my mom on the phone this morning as I do nearly every week. This was really the first time I felt like I was truly Pema throughout the conversation. I still haven't had the conversation with her, but I do feel like as I shift gradually toward increasingly embodying my feminine self when I interact with my mother, it has to sort of lay the groundwork for the conversation. At least I'd like to think so.

Think of it more as a confidence thing, Pema. You're actively working towards being the you that you want to be. It's not really a feminine/masculine thing, in my opinion. You've always been you, sweetie. Even if that's been hidden under a lifetime of layers. You're stripping them away to become you. The you that you know you are, know you want to be, and the you that you're not reliant on other people to tell you that it's okay to be. Whether that's masculine/feminine, or a mix... that's not the important thing, sweetie. It's more that you're okay to feel like you can assert to those around you that this is who you are. This is who you want to be. And you are in a place where you can choose.

It's like the serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I like this part. I mean I kind of like the rest of it but it dips into religion a bit too much for my tastes. This though... is something that applies to all people everywhere.

You were always Pema. You were always you. You're just re-discovering what that means, sweetie. And I am so proud of you for taking these steps. Keep going. I have a feeling your mom will be so proud of you, too. It takes a person to know how to be a person, okay?

*massive hugs*

L <3

Quote from: TanyaG on June 14, 2025, 06:31:33 AMI thought it was the coolest thing ever until he said, 'What bear?'

Mr. Magoo is my role model! If I had modeled my life out of any other persona (real or Mr. Magooish), I would not be alive today.

Quote from: Sephirah on June 20, 2025, 04:32:08 PMGod grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I white-knuckled through 30 years of my life reciting these lines. About two years ago, I stopped hiding from myself. I haven't had the urge to recite those lines since then.

Quote from: Dances With Trees on June 20, 2025, 05:07:11 PMI white-knuckled through 30 years of my life reciting these lines. About two years ago, I stopped hiding from myself. I haven't had the urge to recite those lines since then.

That's fair. Not everyone is you, though. :P It still helps some people. :)

Quote from: Sephirah on June 20, 2025, 05:15:19 PMIt still helps some people

It helped me. And I don't mean to commandeer Pema's blog, but I have no doubt those words will help her, too. White-knuckling was so much better than the alternatives. Your advice was good, Sephirah. I would never discount a single word you say. The 'Serenity Prayer' triggers so many memories of a time when darkness was the norm and those words were the only light I could cling to. I apologize for responding without context.

@Dances With Trees and @Sephirah, you both are welcome to contribute here anytime you want. Your voices make it feel like more of a home than a diary.

Annika, in what I consider her unofficial blog, requested a photo from my garden:

Quote from: Dances With Trees on Yesterday at 11:47:08 AMI would love to see a picture of your calla dancing with peonies.

I took this as a challenge to work out how to post images on the forum, and I figured I might as well do a few others (assuming I succeed). So here goes...

(https://i.imgur.com/pA1WETi.jpeg)

It's either a very dramatic dance or they've already exhausted themselves.

Annika, you mentioned that lilies might not thrive in your Zone 4/5 climate. Callas likely wouldn't, but Asiatic lilies should, maybe something like this:

(https://i.imgur.com/28IPyGV.jpeg)

Annika also said:

Quote from: Dances With Trees on Yesterday at 11:47:08 AMI am more comfortable in the company of trees and flowers than in the company of men or even women.

Yes! That's exactly why I live here and do this:

(https://i.imgur.com/063fnrn.jpeg)

(https://i.imgur.com/Z7ak7Fi.jpeg)

(https://i.imgur.com/0Hics65.jpeg)

There are people whom I love dearly, but I frequently experience a struggle to find harmony in human relationships. I don't experience that with plants; I can go out into the garden or the forest and immediately be at ease, at home.

Quote from: Pema on Yesterday at 12:57:29 PMThere are people whom I love dearly, but I frequently experience a struggle to find harmony in human relationships. I don't experience that with plants; I can go out into the garden or the forest and immediately be at ease, at home.

Pema!

How very spectacular sister!... Gorgeousness abounds!... 💕🤗💕

I too have found that even when life's other connections can be a bit elusive... our connection with natures beauty is always there waiting for us... I look forward so much to my walks along the beach and just got back into my running along the coastal trails this last month. 💕

Thanks for sharing the beauty you helped user into the world sister!🌸

Onward!

Ashley 💕

Pema, your flowers and gardens are stunning! Thanks so much for sharing. Considering the elegance and grace with which everything from paths to trellises are arranged, I'm guessing you do garden landscaping. If you don't...well, there's nothing like free career advice. Again, thanks.

Wow, Pema. Gorgeous photos. Thanks for sharing!

I think that if I had a garden like that, I would never want to go indoors. Just park a hammock in the trees, and I would love it.

Thanks again.

Lori, my wife and I feel the same way - which is why we do exactly that.

(https://i.imgur.com/vEqBsgb.jpeg)

We sleep in hammocks under a tarp in the forest and have nearly every night for more than 5 years. Our "bedroom" lies about 200 feet beyond the fenced-in garden. It changes your whole perspective on what "nature" is and what "being inside" is really intended for.

We have a nearly identical setup that we take backpacking.

Quote from: Pema on Yesterday at 02:49:17 PMLori, my wife and I feel the same way - which is why we do exactly that.

(https://i.imgur.com/vEqBsgb.jpeg)

We sleep in hammocks under a tarp in the forest and have nearly every night for more than 5 years. Our "bedroom" lies about 200 feet beyond the fenced-in garden. It changes your whole perspective on what "nature" is and what "being inside" is really intended for.

We have a nearly identical setup that we take backpacking.

I love it!

Quote from: Pema on Yesterday at 02:49:17 PMLori, my wife and I feel the same way - which is why we do exactly that.

(https://i.imgur.com/vEqBsgb.jpeg)

We sleep in hammocks under a tarp in the forest and have nearly every night for more than 5 years. Our "bedroom" lies about 200 feet beyond the fenced-in garden. It changes your whole perspective on what "nature" is and what "being inside" is really intended for.

We have a nearly identical setup that we take backpacking.

I Love It Too!!!... You two are doing life the right way sister!!! 🤗

Quote from: Pema on Yesterday at 02:49:17 PMWe sleep in hammocks under a tarp in the forest and have nearly every night for more than 5 years. Our "bedroom" lies about 200 feet beyond the fenced-in garden. It changes your whole perspective on what "nature" is and what "being inside" is really intended for.

I am left speechless! Pema, you live the way I dream.

It's so amazing, Annika. The fresh air, the moon and stars on the walk down, the cradle-like cocoon, the sounds of the owls, the rain (and occasional snow)... It feels closer to the way I think we're "supposed to live."