Quote from: Pema on June 04, 2025, 11:22:45 AMThank you, @Lori Dee, @tgirlamg, @Annaliese. It all feels like movement in a positive direction for me.

I heard back from the therapist, and she has no openings. After the initial disappointment that I need to keep looking, I've contacted my second choice and am looking for others. The Universe told me she wasn't the one, and I appreciate that.

Today will soon have me back out into the garden after a "day off" yesterday. My body needs a break every few days. There's so much to do out there (always is), and I love it.

Pema, it took me about a week and a half of searching until I was able locate a therapist. Hang in there girl, 🤗 Annaliese

Quote from: Pema on June 04, 2025, 11:22:45 AMThe Universe told me she wasn't the one, and I appreciate that.

This is how I choose to view it as well.

As the old saying goes, "When the student is ready, the Master will appear."

The Universe doesn't always give us what we want, but it will give us what we need.

Yesterday my wife and I went for our traditional first hike of the season to begin getting into shape for summer backpacking. We chose our go-to spot - not too difficult but not too easy either. It's a familiar, lovely, uncrowded place in nature that takes about an hour to drive to.

The weather was perfect; mostly overcast and 60F/16C to 68F/20C - ideal for comfort while climbing. The entire hiking route is forested, parts of it adjacent to or across creeks. The wildflowers, birds, new growth on trees, the smells... It all just feels like a primeval "home" every time we're in it.

But yesterday was the first time I was there as myself, Pema. Within just a few minutes, my wife was teary. She saw and felt it. I was different. Soon, I became very aware of it myself. I told her I felt "gentler." She said, "Yes." After a couple of miles, we arrived at a waterfall that is a place you just have to stop and be in awe. I waved to the waterfall and said, "Hi, I'm Pema" with tears in my eyes. I had seen it many times before, but never in that way, fully present as myself. It was magical in the same ways it always has been but also in new and special ways.

From there, we climbed to our lunch spot, a clearing with a view of the lake and hills below. As we ate, my wife asked me what I'd meant earlier by feeling gentler. I love when she asks me questions about my experiences of my feelings, because it prompts me to explore deeply what it is that I experience of myself. I told her it was that I came to the hike with no agenda for the day, that I didn't have any sense of "we need to..." for the hike nor anything that followed. It would all unfold as it would, and that would be wonderful. With that absence of a schedule, there was no rigidity, so I could just be completely present in the moment and enjoy myself, who was with me, and where we were. We agreed that a lot of that freedom was made possible by her having recently shed her lifelong tendencies to stack desires to a point where it became impossible to achieve everything she wanted to do in a day. Now we could just let go and appreciate what is, right now.

Over the course of 10 miles/16 km, we saw 14 other people. Sometimes we'd chat for a minute or two before continuing on. My wife said that Pema is much friendlier with strangers than <old_name> was. She said she'd look over at me and see the Pema smile as I was talking with them. I wasn't even aware of it; I was just happy to be there and to feel free. She also said she felt awful referring to me as "he" during those brief chats. It's OK. All in due time.

Was this my first time "out in public?" How does one define that? None of those strangers saw me as a woman. We encountered two different mixed couples, and both men did the classic thing of turning to talk to me whenever one of the obvious two women spoke. (I've always disliked that.) My wife and I were dressed very similarly; I was even wearing a new pair of women's hiking pants that fit me perfectly. Odds are good that I'll never wear a dress, so it's hard to say what will qualify as my first time out in public. I'm not sure it matters.

On Saturday we'll participate in the local protest, and I'll be Pema there, too. Nobody but my wife and two or three close friends will know, and that's fine, too. What matters most to me is my internal experience of myself and the effect that has on my experience and engagement with the world. Every time I have a new experience - even of a familiar place or activity - as Pema, it reinforces the significance, the validity, the truth of who I am after the decades of conditioning are stripped away.

Pema!,

Coming to a place where we can finally see ourself, others and the world through new eyes is much of the heart of this journey... Enjoy it all Sister!

Onward!!!

Ashley 💕

Quote from: Pema on June 12, 2025, 02:55:22 PMThe entire hiking route is forested, parts of it adjacent to or across creeks. The wildflowers, birds, new growth on trees, the smells... It all just feels like a primeval "home" every time we're in it.

Such a beautifully told tale, Pema. I sensed the spirituality of the outing from your words. Your wife is an amazing woman and I am so happy for the two of you. I'm not sure what you're protesting but stay safe. These are difficult times.

Thank you, @tgirlamg. I really am trying to enjoy it all, and feeling pretty successful at it.

Annika, you are very generous with your praise. You are absolutely spot-on with your recognition of the outing as spiritual, but I could never find the words to convey it fully. And my wife is an amazing woman and being. We are blessed to have found each other and made it to the place we are today. We'll be very careful on Saturday. We're in a heavily like-minded community, but the risks are never zero.

Nature has this weird habit of making everything else seem insignificant.

Quoteand both men did the classic thing of turning to talk to me whenever one of the obvious two women spoke. (I've always disliked that).

Take it as positive reinforcement, Pema. Kind of something you have to get about guys... most of the time, the "little woman" doesn't matter. If they aren't attracted to you then you aren't even on their radar. They have to be directed in any kind of conversation

I suspect that the vibes you gave off during your hike... when you weren't thinking about yourself... were more than you might think, Pema. Never assume how people see you sweetie. It's based like 99% on how you see yourself. You are the pebble in a pond, and you see the ripples of the impact you have.

Quote from: Sephirah on June 13, 2025, 09:27:49 AMKind of something you have to get about guys... most of the time, the "little woman" doesn't matter. If they aren't attracted to you then you aren't even on their radar.

I'm temperamentally not a generaliser, so for my 2p I'd venture it's more complicated than that because the stereotypes around masculinity and femininity do no service to how diverse people are. Men are as variable as women in how much attention they pay to other people and while men and women look at other sexes in different ways, even that is only a trend, there being a lot of overlap.

My personal view is most people are so wrapped up in their own experience they don't tend to notice others unless they really stand out. When I was doing psychology we did this really funny experiment where three students shaved off half their beards, vertically, so left side clean, right side bearded, or whatever. Then they walked down a street and we filmed the reactions of passersby from a window that looked right down the road. Hardly anyone noticed, either male or female. There were a couple of amazing double takes, but that was out of upward of a hundred people. We did the same experiment with three of the girls, who made their faces up completely differently on each side, and again, hardly anyone noticed.

Not to mention a friend of mine who wore one pale brown knee boot and one black one for an entire day and only realised she'd got two different colours on a four thirty in the afternoon, when she crossed her legs twice in quick succession. Or a friend of mine one time in BC who sauntered past a big sow grizzly eating that strange cabbage stuff they eat in the spring to get their bowels going. I thought it was the coolest thing ever until he said, 'What bear?'

People aren't very observant and furthermore they're easily distracted, which is how magicians work their tricks. And if you behave like my friend did and act like there's nothing to see, even bears don't see it

This morning I had an introductory meeting with a gender therapist. I didn't come away ecstatic about her, but I wasn't put off either, so I'll give it a go. Her next available session was a month from now, and I booked it.

She was older than most I've considered - in other words, my age. I see pros and cons to both younger and older therapists. She's licensed in my state, so she'd be able to provide a diagnosis that could help me get gender-affirming care if I choose that path. She also comes with a diverse spiritual background that I appreciate and hope will be helpful. I told her I was hoping she might be able to help me separate the "noise" (internal and external) from the "signal" (what is true and authentic within me) so that I can determine what kinds of lifestyle changes I might want to adopt to feel more whole.

I asked about her experience with clients who are wide-open as I am about their gender identity, for whom it may be that the only clear understanding is that they do not belong to the category that they were assigned. She said she has extensive experience with it, but...

She said I'd likely be the oldest client she'd worked with on gender identity, and she relished the opportunity. She said younger people usually have at least one if not many other confounding issues in play - other aspects of their identity, primary relationships, family, jobs, etc. - and those regularly come to the fore and prevent clean access to the gender questions. She understood that I didn't have those barriers and thought that should make things easier. I hope she's right.

She asked a bit about my spiritual path. In summarizing it, I told her I've just never been a follower, that I prefer to find what works for me and go my own way. She heard a similar response when we talked about gender identity. I'm not looking for an off-the-shelf solution but one that suits *me* for who I am. She seemed to get it, saying, "I'm hearing that you're not looking for acceptance or membership in a tribe. That's important for some people, but it doesn't seem to be for you." I'd hesitated to use that language, but it's accurate. I felt encouraged by her seeing that.

Tomorrow I'll have my second laser treatment on my beard. I hope my skin doesn't go berserk (acne) like it did last time.

Now, finally, to get the summer squashes out of their containers and into the ground.

That sounds wonderful.

It is not unusual to feel uncertain about the people we open up to. But over a few sessions, I think you will discover that rapport is built. It will take a lot more talking as you get to know each other. The fact that there isn't much age difference could be a huge asset. When you describe something in particular, she will know exactly what you meant. Whereas someone younger might not.

I am hoping that she can get you to ask yourself the right questions and provide a supportive third-party view that will lead you to the answers you seek. I believe that you are on the right path. 

Quote from: Pema on June 17, 2025, 05:36:10 PMThis morning I had an introductory meeting with a gender therapist. I didn't come away ecstatic about her, but I wasn't put off either, so I'll give it a go. Her next available session was a month from now, and I booked it.

She was older than most I've considered - in other words, my age. I see pros and cons to both younger and older therapists. She's licensed in my state, so she'd be able to provide a diagnosis that could help me get gender-affirming care if I choose that path. She also comes with a diverse spiritual background that I appreciate and hope will be helpful. I told her I was hoping she might be able to help me separate the "noise" (internal and external) from the "signal" (what is true and authentic within me) so that I can determine what kinds of lifestyle changes I might want to adopt to feel more whole.

I asked about her experience with clients who are wide-open as I am about their gender identity, for whom it may be that the only clear understanding is that they do not belong to the category that they were assigned. She said she has extensive experience with it, but...

She said I'd likely be the oldest client she'd worked with on gender identity, and she relished the opportunity. She said younger people usually have at least one if not many other confounding issues in play - other aspects of their identity, primary relationships, family, jobs, etc. - and those regularly come to the fore and prevent clean access to the gender questions. She understood that I didn't have those barriers and thought that should make things easier. I hope she's right.

She asked a bit about my spiritual path. In summarizing it, I told her I've just never been a follower, that I prefer to find what works for me and go my own way. She heard a similar response when we talked about gender identity. I'm not looking for an off-the-shelf solution but one that suits *me* for who I am. She seemed to get it, saying, "I'm hearing that you're not looking for acceptance or membership in a tribe. That's important for some people, but it doesn't seem to be for you." I'd hesitated to use that language, but it's accurate. I felt encouraged by her seeing that.

Tomorrow I'll have my second laser treatment on my beard. I hope my skin doesn't go berserk (acne) like it did last time.

Now, finally, to get the summer squashes out of their containers and into the ground.

The only thing I take issue with, Pema... and this is really the only thing I take issue with is... that I don't believe therapists should be going into spirituality. I have known a few people in my life who tried do use that to make arguments one way or the other. I think it's well outside the scope of what therapists are, and should be trained to deal with. At least in terms of the scope of what you're feeling. The fact that you stood up for yourself is a good thing, Pema. And I hope she can help you get to where you want to be, honey.

I hope for the very best for you, because you deserve it. From what I've seen of you here, Pema. You really only need the full stop (period for you US folks... means something entirely different in the UK), on who you are. You seem to be very switched on, very in touch with yourself, and very clued in to who you are and where you need to go. I would be lying if I didn't tell you that this therapist makes me a bit uneasy, just because of your conversation. But... if you can get past the loaded stuff and work on you... I wish you the best, sweetie. Sincerely. <3

Thank you, Lori. I agree that our comparable ages will probably make our communication much smoother than if there were a significant difference. I'm hopeful that it will be productive. I'd love to get started tomorrow, but that's just the eager "let's do this!" in me. I can also be very patient.

Lauren, I sincerely appreciate your concerns, thank you. I assure you that there are few people on this planet who are more resistant to hard-sells and dogma than I am. I brought up spirituality with her in the same way I did in my introduction here: All of this arose for me out of what I can only call a spiritual awakening. She subsequently asked about my spiritual path to discern, I think, the degree to which it plays a role in my gender identity puzzle. Trust me, if she (or anyone else) gives even a hint of pushing a doctrine on me, they'll get a very clear indication that it's unwelcome. Just ask the high school classmate of mine who sought me out on FB many years ago and tried to save my soul.

Quote from: Pema on June 17, 2025, 07:58:58 PMLauren, I sincerely appreciate your concerns, thank you. I assure you that there are few people on this planet who are more resistant to hard-sells and dogma than I am. I brought up spirituality with her in the same way I did in my introduction here: All of this arose for me out of what I can only call a spiritual awakening. She subsequently asked about my spiritual path to discern, I think, the degree to which it plays a role in my gender identity puzzle. Trust me, if she (or anyone else) gives even a hint of pushing a doctrine on me, they'll get a very clear indication that it's unwelcome. Just ask the high school classmate of mine who sought me out on FB many years ago and tried to save my soul.

Hah, Pema, you are the kind of girl the world needs more of. No one can sell you an "Apocalypse Bucket"

Keep being you, girl. Like Annika, I think you are both extremely, and fundamentally in tune with yourself. And... it's kind of weird but I think you're both in a place to appreciate what that means. There's a whole lot to be said for that, sweetie.

Quote from: Pema on June 17, 2025, 05:36:10 PMShe said I'd likely be the oldest client she'd worked with on gender identity, and she relished the opportunity. She said younger people usually have at least one if not many other confounding issues in play - other aspects of their identity, primary relationships, family, jobs, etc. - and those regularly come to the fore and prevent clean access to the gender questions. She understood that I didn't have those barriers and thought that should make things easier. I hope she's right.

Great to have a therapist who's looking forward to working with you, that's a big positive. The ideal therapist is almost transparent, in as much as their personality doesn't intrude on the conversation, but it really helps having someone you can get on with and relate to because when challenging moments come, it's confidence in the therapist that'll get you through.

So see how it goes, you'll get a feel for it over the first few sessions and if you don't think you've made the absolutely right choice and change, they won't be wasted. All my best wishes and good luck too!

The second round of laser treatment on the beard was much, much less painful than the first, and that was with her slightly increasing the power and my not using lidocaine in advance. So the initial round must have removed a significant number of whiskers. That's very encouraging.

I spoke to my mom on the phone this morning as I do nearly every week. This was really the first time I felt like I was truly Pema throughout the conversation. I still haven't had the conversation with her, but I do feel like as I shift gradually toward increasingly embodying my feminine self when I interact with my mother, it has to sort of lay the groundwork for the conversation. At least I'd like to think so.

Quote from: Pema on June 17, 2025, 07:58:58 PMtried to save my soul.

I'm not being facile. But send her/him/they my way, Pema. If someone can save my soul, I want to hear them out.

Quote from: Dances With Trees on Yesterday at 06:29:26 PMI'm not being facile. But send her/him/they my way, Pema. If someone can save my soul, I want to hear them out.

Annika, I'm fairly certain he couldn't and that you've heard the pitch before. Besides, I'd rather not re-establish my connection with him to introduce you.

Quote from: Pema on Yesterday at 09:02:18 PMAnnika, I'm fairly certain he couldn't and that you've heard the pitch before.

No doubt, Pema. But hope springs eternal in the land of lost souls. And I understand your reluctance to make an introduction. I went to my 10th class reunion (high school). That seemed quite enough.