I apologize in advance if anything is misspelled, I can't really see anything rn. This past weekend I sadly lost my partner. Ad of right now I haven't really registered it or dwelled on it too much. I don't know how to grieve her and begin healing. Was hoping for some advice
I am so sorry to hear this. 😢
Quote from: Annaliese on Yesterday at 10:33:23 AMI am so sorry to hear this. 😢
It's alright. She was ready, even if I didn't want her to be. Right now I'm just focusing on keeping it together for my daughter
Quote from: Adrian26 on Yesterday at 10:35:34 AMIt's alright. She was ready, even if I didn't want her to be. Right now I'm just focusing on keeping it together for my daughter
That's the important thing. I never dealt with grief as a male too good. I would just go through typical motions. I never really grieved. I just kinda chalked things up to well this is life, time to move on. Sometimes it was easier for me to deal with my emotions alot easier if I just put them aside. I would pivot away from the situation and just think that hey this is just life and look forward. It was cold but thats how I dealt with alot of stuff.
I don't know if this is a good example, 🤔 It never got me anywhere good. Bottling emotions up was never a thing.
I could never share my emotions.
Quote from: Annaliese on Yesterday at 10:40:00 AMThat's the important thing. I never dealt with grief as a male too good. I would just go through typical motions. I never really grieved. I just kinda chalked things up to well this is life, time to move on. Sometimes it was easier for me to deal with my emotions alot easier if I just put them aside. I would pivot away from the situation and just think that hey this is just life and look forward. It was cold but thats how I dealt with alot of stuff.
I don't know if this is a good example, 🤔 It never got me anywhere good. Bottling emotions up was never a thing.
I could never share my emotions.
That's how I'm handling this and I'm being told by everyone that I should grieve. What the ->-bleeped-<- am I supposed to say "my girlfriend killed herself and left me and her kid behind and it hurts like hell but I have to keep my ->-bleeped-<- together and act like everything is fine when I'm just done." I don't know what to do anymore
Quote from: Adrian26 on Yesterday at 10:45:15 AMThat's how I'm handling this and I'm being told by everyone that I should grieve. What the ->-bleeped-<- am I supposed to say "my girlfriend killed herself and left me and her kid behind and it hurts like hell but I have to keep my ->-bleeped-<- together and act like everything is fine when I'm just done." I don't know what to do anymore
the important thing is you have to think of your daughter. Id recommend try to get in touch with a therapist to help you get through this. It may be a difficult time but, it's times like this that make you who you are. One thing I did do as a male was to be strong for my children even when I was not in the best frame of mind. I am not sure of your situation but I do know when you have this much going on in you life it adds so much stress and can be very difficult to handle. Sometimes reaching out to therapist to guide you can make the world of difference. I know it's not in our nature but it's times like this that we have to try.
You mentioned in an earlier post something about your mom. Are close to your mom. Is she in the picture?
Adrian!
I am so very sorry... When there is a loss of this magnitude, it can feel so overwhelming and hard to put into any kind of perspective... Let yourself feel what you feel...it can be a meatgrinder to go through but, be aware... The main thing required is time and space... Time will let the process of grief work itself out... Life will find equilibrium once again and you will emerge with new skills, better able to help others deal with their own grief in the future... Let those who you care about know what you're feeling... Let them hear and help you... Be gentle with yourself in the days to come and know you have a family here that wants all the best for you!
Onward We Go...Even On The Hard Days
Hugs and Lotsa Love,
Ashley 💕
Quote from: Annaliese on Yesterday at 10:54:50 AMthe important thing is you have to think of your daughter. Id recommend try to get in touch with a therapist to help you get through this. It may be a difficult time but, it's times like this that make you who you are. One thing I did do as a male was to be strong for my children even when I was not in the best frame of mind. I am not sure of your situation but I do know when you have this much going on in you life it adds so much stress and can be very difficult to handle. Sometimes reaching out to therapist to guide you can make the world of difference. I know it's not in our nature but it's times like this that we have to try.
You mentioned in an earlier post something about your mom. Are close to your mom. Is she in the picture?
My mom is in the picture, but we don't necessarily get along.
Quote from: tgirlamg on Yesterday at 11:36:34 AMAdrian!
I am so very sorry... When there is a loss of this magnitude, it can feel so overwhelming and hard to put into any kind of perspective... Let yourself feel what you feel...it can be a meatgrinder to go through but, be aware... The main thing required is time and space... Time will let the process of grief work itself out... Life will find equilibrium once again and you will emerge with new skills, better able to help others deal with their own grief in the future... Let those who you care about know what your feeling... Let them hear and help you... Be gentle with yourself in the days to come and know you have a family here that wants all the best for you!
Onward We Go...Even On The Hard Days
Hugs and Lotsa Love,
Ashley 💕
I just feel...numb. Like it hurts like hell, but it is what it is. There ain't no changing what happened and there ain't no use in crying about it.
Quote from: Adrian26 on Yesterday at 11:54:58 AMMy mom is in the picture, but we don't necessarily get along.
Thats always a plus for you. Ashley shared a few great suggestions as well. Yes, it's gonna be a tough time for sure but you will get through this. Time and space is going to help. This added to the personal transition you are going through is going to be a bit harder. But as we move forward there's always help along the way. Reach out to the resources available to you. Keep on open diologue with your daughter and and always be there. If your relationship with your mom isn't too terribly bad try to allow her to help. Sometimes instances like this can bring us together. Above all remember that you will get through this. 🤗
Annaliese
Quote from: Adrian26 on Yesterday at 11:57:52 AMI just feel...numb. Like it hurts like hell, but it is what it is. There ain't no changing what happened and there ain't no use in crying about it.
Numb is as valid a way to feel as anything else right now... Perhaps there might be more use in crying a bit about it than you realize right now... Let this take you where it is going to take you and then continue to seek out the things you need in life... They will be waiting there for you.
A💕
We're here for you, Adrian. Your partner sounds like an amazing woman and your daughter is blessed to have you with her during these impossible moments.
Thanks ladies. It means a lot
Quote from: Adrian26 on Yesterday at 10:28:38 AMI don't know how to grieve her and begin healing.
Grieving is a process that we live through in states and to begin with a lot of people feel the way you do now, which from the sound of it is numb. That's natural, all animals go through this stage when they're hurt, but the emotions will come. It really is best, both for yourself and your memories of your partner to live the emotions because the alternative, suppressing them, makes it impossible to make sense of your loss and weave it into the narrative of your life. Grief can be shared and that helps the people you share it with, as well as giving them permission to help you. Lots of hugs.
Quote from: TanyaG on Yesterday at 02:57:14 PMGrieving is a process that we live through in states and to begin with a lot of people feel the way you do now, which from the sound of it is numb. That's natural, all animals go through this stage when they're hurt, but the emotions will come. It really is best, both for yourself and your memories of your partner to live the emotions because the alternative, suppressing them, makes it impossible to make sense of your loss and weave it into the narrative of your life. Grief can be shared and that helps the people you share it with, as well as giving them permission to help you. Lots of hugs.
Its just so hard to wrap my head around it. She was here just a few days ago and now she's gone. She's gone...
Quote from: Adrian26 on Yesterday at 03:11:32 PMIts just so hard to wrap my head around it.
I'm not certain anyone's head can wrap around the grief you're feeling, Adrian. Mine never could in my moments of utter despair and overwhelming loss. I found some comfort in Emily's Dickinson's poem: My life closed twice before its close...ending with, 'Parting is all we know of heaven, And all we need of hell.' You won't be in hell forever, but I know how small a comfort that is when you're just trying to get through today. Through the moment you're in. Today will pass, whether you get your head wrapped around it or not. Let it be.
Quote from: Adrian26 on Yesterday at 10:45:15 AMWhat the ->-bleeped-<- am I supposed to say "my girlfriend killed herself and left me and her kid behind and it hurts like hell but I have to keep my ->-bleeped-<- together and act like everything is fine when I'm just done." I don't know what to do anymore
Quote from: Adrian26 on Yesterday at 11:57:52 AMI just feel...numb. Like it hurts like hell, but it is what it is. There ain't no changing what happened and there ain't no use in crying about it.
Hey Adrian,
I'm so sorry for your loss. What you're going through is heartbreaking.
It's okay to not be okay right now.
There's no "right" way to grieve, and like others have said, you don't have to go through it all alone.
When you feel ready, talking to a grief counselor might help lighten the weight, not to fix anything, but so you don't have to carry it all by yourself.
Be gentle with yourself.
You're doing the best you can.
With care,
~ Lilis 💗
Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on Yesterday at 03:23:20 PMI'm not certain anyone's head can wrap around the grief you're feeling, Adrian. Mine never could in my moments of utter despair and overwhelming loss. I found some comfort in Emily's Dickinson's poem: My life closed twice before its close...ending with, 'Parting is all we know of heaven, And all we need of hell.' You won't be in hell forever, but I know how small a comfort that is when you're just trying to get through today. Through the moment you're in. Today will pass, whether you get your head wrapped around it or not. Let it be.
I... you're right.
Quote from: Lilis on Yesterday at 03:23:46 PMHey Adrian,
I'm so sorry for your loss. What you're going through is heartbreaking.
It's okay to not be okay right now.
There's no "right" way to grieve, and like others have said, you don't have to go through it all alone.
When you feel ready, talking to a grief counselor might help lighten the weight, not to fix anything, but so you don't have to carry it all by yourself.
Be gentle with yourself.
You're doing the best you can.
With care,
~ Lilis 💗
I don't know if there's any grief counselors around here. And it's difficult to talk about what I feel when I don't even know what I feel. I've never really told anyone what I feel. It just doesn't happen in my house so it's difficult to put it into words
Quote from: Adrian26 on Yesterday at 04:04:30 PMI don't know if there's any grief counselors around here.
Even if you're not sure about grief counselors nearby, or someone to talk to.
There are still options that don't require big steps, like texting a support line or joining an online support group or online therapy.
From my experience, grief can linger for years, sometimes even a lifetime.
I'm truly sorry you're going through something this painful.
But sometimes, just being heard, even by a stranger, can make the weight feel a little less crushing.
With care,
~ Lilis 💗
Quote from: Lilis on Yesterday at 04:31:07 PMEven if you're not sure about grief counselors nearby, or someone to talk to.
There are still options that don't require big steps, like texting a support line or joining an online support group or online therapy.
From my experience, grief can linger for years, sometimes even a lifetime.
I'm truly sorry you're going through something this painful.
But sometimes, just being heard, even by a stranger, can make the weight feel a little less crushing.
With care,
~ Lilis 💗
Yeah, but I'm only 18, still got a whole lot of life left.
Quote from: Adrian26 on Yesterday at 04:39:41 PMYeah, but I'm only 18, still got a whole lot of life left.
I know, and I wish I could more.
But what you just experienced is traumatic and might require professional intervention.
I pray that you can heal from it.
That's all I got.
~ Lilis 💗
Quote from: Lilis on Yesterday at 04:50:22 PMI know, and I wish I could more.
But what you just experienced is traumatic and might require professional intervention.
I pray that you can heal from it.
That's all I got.
~ Lilis 💗
It's more than enough that you just talked to me about this. I know I'm gonna hurt, but for now I'm just trying to fully understand that this is my reality.
Quote from: Adrian26 on Yesterday at 04:39:41 PMYeah, but I'm only 18, still got a whole lot of life left.
Don't forget that you might want to consider some sort of counseling for your daughter. You WILL get through this this. Time is the best healer. Check the internet for some online support groups. 🤗 Annaliese
Quote from: Adrian26 on Yesterday at 04:04:30 PMI don't know if there's any grief counselors around here. And it's difficult to talk about what I feel when I don't even know what I feel. I've never really told anyone what I feel. It just doesn't happen in my house so it's difficult to put it into words
Okay, then maybe it's time to think about why people in your house (or family) don't tell each other what they feel? It's neutral enough ground you should be able to unlock it and if you can do that, then you'll be able to access the emotions you can't get to right now.
For instance, I grew up in a household where my father couldn't let out any emotions other than happiness or anger, with no inbetweens. That was confusing! What was your family like in that respect?
Quote from: Adrian26 on Yesterday at 04:39:41 PMYeah, but I'm only 18, still got a whole lot of life left.
Then there's no time better to start on living it than now. Don't do what some of us did! That's why we're rooting for you, I guess.
Quote from: Annaliese on Yesterday at 05:47:14 PMDon't forget that you might want to consider some sort of counseling for your daughter. You WILL get through this this. Time is the best healer. Check the internet for some online support groups. 🤗 Annaliese
I'll look into grief counselors for children in the area.
Quote from: TanyaG on Today at 06:17:14 AMOkay, then maybe it's time to think about why people in your house (or family) don't tell each other what they feel? It's neutral enough ground you should be able to unlock it and if you can do that, then you'll be able to access the emotions you can't get to right now.
For instance, I grew up in a household where my father couldn't let out any emotions other than happiness or anger, with no inbetweens. That was confusing! What was your family like in that respect?
We're the typical Mexican family, hardworking, but never emotional. The most emotional we get is during a death in the family. They didn't really know my girlfriend and those who really knew about us were absolutely against it because they see me, a AFAB, and her, a woman. So they're not help.
Quote from: TanyaG on Today at 06:18:31 AMThen there's no time better to start on living it than now. Don't do what some of us did! That's why we're rooting for you, I guess.
That kinda makes sense.
Quote from: Adrian26 on Today at 07:00:52 AMWe're the typical Mexican family, hardworking, but never emotional.
Okay, so your family do allow emotions when they are grieving, but didn't allow emotions in the case of your partner, because she was a woman? Yet your father will have had emotions about your mother, who is also a woman? Leave everything else out of the equation, do I have that right?
Quote from: TanyaG on Today at 07:05:58 AMOkay, so your family do allow emotions when they are grieving, but didn't allow emotions in the case of your partner, because she was a woman? Yet your father will have had emotions about your mother, who is also a woman? Leave everything else out of the equation, do I have that right?
Yeah, you hit the nail on the head
Quote from: Adrian26 on Today at 07:18:05 AMYeah, you hit the nail on the head
Then maybe ask yourself, 'If my father has emotions for my mother, then surely it's perfectly fine for me to have emotions about my partner? Who is he (and anyone else in the family) to deny me emotions they allow themselves?'
Quote from: TanyaG on Today at 07:44:41 AMThen maybe ask yourself, 'If my father has emotions for my mother, then surely it's perfectly fine for me to have emotions about my partner? Who is he (and anyone else in the family) to deny me emotions they allow themselves?'
They don't think like that. They think that its absolutely wrong for me to love a woman while being in a woman body
Quote from: Adrian26 on Today at 07:56:30 AMThey don't think like that. They think that its absolutely wrong for me to love a woman while being in a woman body
Let's reframe the question again. Do you agree that you should have to think the way they think? In other words, do you agree it's okay for what
they think to stop
you having emotions? I can see the exit from here and we can get to it, I hope, just a few steps.
Quote from: TanyaG on Today at 08:00:05 AMLet's reframe the question again. Do you agree that you should have to think the way they think? In other words, do you agree it's okay for what they think to stop you having emotions? I can see the exit from here and we can get to it, I hope, just a few steps.
You're right. I shouldn't let what they think keep me from experiencing my own emotions
Quote from: Adrian26 on Today at 12:08:18 PMYou're right. I shouldn't let what they think keep me from experiencing my own emotions
Yaaaay! That's the biggest step any of us take, allowing ourselves not to be what others try to make us.
Quote from: TanyaG on Today at 12:23:06 PMYaaaay! That's the biggest step any of us take, allowing ourselves not to be what others try to make us.
Well that's kinda why I'm here in the first place.
Quote from: Adrian26 on Today at 12:38:08 PMWell that's kinda why I'm here in the first place.
It's why most of us are here, Adrian. None of us should be locking up our emotions because of our family's rules. If we do that, then we'll we'll never escape their influence, never love, never enjoy being who we are. Your family have declared that they can grieve, but you can't, which is totally unfair. Is that how it seems to you?
Quote from: TanyaG on Today at 12:50:34 PMIt's why most of us are here, Adrian. None of us should be locking up our emotions because of our family's rules. If we do that, then we'll we'll never escape their influence, never love, never enjoy being who we are. Your family have declared that they can grieve, but you can't, which is totally unfair. Is that how it seems to you?
If I'm being honest, I've never really dwelled on it. Like I know all of this is absolutely f'ed up but it's been this way so long that I don't even question it anymore. To me that's just how it goes in our family.
Quote from: Adrian26 on Today at 12:55:07 PMLike I know all of this is absolutely f'ed up but it's been this way so long that I don't even question it anymore. To me that's just how it goes in our family.
Then if you want out and to 'un-f' it, perhaps it's time to question it, accept it's not how it goes and take control of your destiny?
Quote from: TanyaG on Today at 01:00:36 PMThen if you want out and to 'un-f' it, perhaps it's time to question it, accept it's not how it goes and take control of your destiny?
Idk girl. I've always had the kindest of "it don't really matter what we do here. We all gonna end up in a box"
Quote from: Adrian26 on Today at 01:13:24 PMIdk girl. I've always had the kindest of "it don't really matter what we do here. We all gonna end up in a box"
Most surely we do, but it doesn't mean we don't get to enjoy all the stuff in between now and ending up in that box. I'd suggest you've got enough now to take to a therapist and make your life work for you and not leave it in the hands of fate, or your family, neither of which are necessarily giving you the best steer on this one?
Look at it this way, you already decided you are trans and didn't let your family stop you doing that, so why let them have any control over this? You've already done things off your own initiative which say you
do think it matters what you do here.
Quote from: TanyaG on Today at 01:17:04 PMMost surely we do, but it doesn't mean we don't get to enjoy all the stuff in between now and ending up in that box. I'd suggest you've got enough now to take to a therapist and make your life work for you and not leave it in the hands of fate, or your family, neither of which are necessarily giving you the best steer on this one?
Look at it this way, you already decided you are trans and didn't let your family stop you doing that, so why let them have any control over this? You've already done things off your own initiative which say you do think it matters what you do here.
Yeah. It's just what I'm telling myself as I'm trying to figuring everything out