Hello everyone.
Trying to find the courage to break up with my boyfriend( who is not aware of my TS status), this weekend was a real HELL. Ok i took under consideration your advice, since EVERYONE told me not to reveal my identity, and decided to keep that thing just to my self.(that thing----huge thing don't you agree). Anyway, friday evening after work, i met with my bf. He had made plans to go out with another couple. it was a wonderfull night.Then we went home( he has rent an appartment for us but we stay there only at nights.He still lives with his parents). I told him that night that i am going abroad for studies, (to london).He told me why do you need extra studies.Anyway, i came up with sth. He was so sad,ready to cry but he hold himself. He told me that he will respect my plans and he can not hold me back. So far so good(except the part that my heart is bleeding just to the thought that i have initiated my way out of this relationship)
HOWEVER, the next night i was invited to dinner by his mother. I went.Everyone was there.his mother father sister, sister's husband. I was surprised..Anyway we had a wonderful dinner.And here comes the bomb:()((
My bf told infront of everyone that since he is going to the army and since i will go abroad he WOULD FEEL A LOT BETTER IF WE EXCHANGE OATHS:(( It is sth we do here 1-2 years prior to marriage).That would make him feel that the strongest love of his life will not be lost but no matter what will come back to him)
I STAYED SPEECHLESS THE WHOLE NIGHT.i SAID NOTHING.I PROMISED NOTHING. I JUST PRAYED TO DISSAPEAR.
i am too weak to leave without a word. so i might have to wait to be murdered:(
i know i sound stupid to you.But i am trapped. Let's face it, we ts people are so emotional. I can't behave like nothing happened to my life.Because i found the love of my life, who might take my own life as you say:(
Hi,
I guess that is a tough one. Is he really violent? My solution to people who scared me is to just kind of stay away from them. I know you love him, though, so it's different.
When is he going into the army? Maybe you can avoid the oath and then he'll be gone. Afterwards, you can write a letter that explains that you feel your life is going in a completely different direction and you don't believe that he should wait for you to return.
These are just my thoughts. I'm not suggesting you do anything. Nobody knows your situation better than you do.
Rebis
Quote from: Rebis on February 18, 2008, 11:57:21 AM
Hi,
I guess that is a tough one. Is he really violent?
Well he is not violent.He is sweet.to me to everyone.But he uses bad names for gays and ts(->-bleeped-<-gets-queers- etc) that makes him a hater i believe
Hon, you don't sound stupid - we're all emotional, fragile people, as strong as we might appear to the people around us. Besides this huge change we are going through with all the anxiety and uncertainty and everything associated with it, most of the very people we need to support us at such a time abandon us instead, AND then there's still all the hormonal changes and things happening. You're not stupid. You're an unbelievably brave, strong individual who has taken a life that was all wrong, and you have started to turn it into what it was meant to be. Very few people can say that.
AS to your boyfriend - What he did to you was very wrong. How can he spring something like that on you in front of everybody - before he had spoken to you about it?!?! How selfish a gesture. Whether you are trans or not, ask yourself if that is the basis for a healthy relationship.
Add to that his homophobia and stuff, and well, just think about it.
Perhaps he's given you a way out though. You could confront him on this, explain that you were hurt and surprised by the proposal, and say that you need time to consider it carefully, because it is such a big commitment to make. Explain that some time away from each other - him in the army, you in London, could be just what you both need to get some perspective on the relationship. It's an easier let-off than breaking up with him and him demanding reasons, and then, once in London, you can send him a letter or phone him and break it off from a safe distance - I know that sounds selfish, but you need to look after your own safety first.
Good luck dearest.
Simone
one questiion... what would happen if you went out with him one night and maby met up with some gay friends of yours... if he behaved badly it would give you reason to both be angry and to be rid of him... "I cant be with someone so cruel to others" type stuff.
Quote from: LynnER on February 18, 2008, 01:42:03 PM
one questiion... what would happen if you went out with him one night and maby met up with some gay friends of yours... if he behaved badly it would give you reason to both be angry and to be rid of him... "I cant be with someone so cruel to others" type stuff.
Hmmm. Devious, but perhaps a not too bad idea...
If you want to be honest about it, go to a nice restaurant, well lit but quite and on a Friday or Saturday night at dinner hour when it's crowded. Order your food and a drink and then tell him the truth. If he gets angry he'll either leave or keep his voice down. You needn't worry about violence since you're surrounded by people at least some of whom will come to your defense. Book a room for the night at a hotel in case he storms out. Take a cab to the hotel. You won't have to worry about him following you home. There is the possibility that he'll overcome his emotions and say he still loves you. In that case the room would still come in handy!
Remember Deniz, boys are like street cars; you miss one another will be around soon enough. In the future you may want to consider telling your next love BEFORE it gets serious!
Quote from: Claire de Lune on February 18, 2008, 02:11:42 PM
. There is the possibility that he'll overcome his emotions and say he still loves you. In that case the room would still come in handy!
It is so beautifull just even reading sth like this:( thanks
This is the line that stood out for me "He told me why do you need extra studies." What, no need for smart women around there? Look out.
i actually agree to tell him the truth, he actually sounds like a hopeless romantic, and If there is one thing I am its that, I think that he may actually see through it.
I mean his parents already think you a natal woman!! He doesnt have to go around tellin everyone, just has to understand for himself to accept you...
I dunno but I would go with the dinner, hotel backup plan, personally...
BUT BE CAREFUL
Quote from: mara on February 18, 2008, 04:58:57 PM
i actually agree to tell him the truth, he actually sounds like a hopeless romantic, and If there is one thing I am its that, I think that he may actually see through it.
I mean his parents already think you a natal woman!! He doesnt have to go around tellin everyone, just has to understand for himself to accept you...
I dunno but I would go with the dinner, hotel backup plan, personally...
BUT BE CAREFUL
thank you mara.It seems you have understood his character and why i bother:( i will give it a shot this friday
My take from the OP is that you prolly should just leave this guy, Deniz. Without an explanation. The need to tie you to him 'no matter what' is pretty much always a danger sign. He may have shown no particularly violent reactions yet, but, but ... if he does you sure as ->-bleeped-<- don't want to be anything like even close to alone and once he knows ....
Look-it go to some abused/abuser sites and get some info. This guy just sounds like bad news, no matter how romantic and sweet he seems. My abuse-dar is going like mad, even through pixels. The romantic ones can be the worst when it comes to explosiveness -- they have this view and this plan that runs, in his case, to two years down the road!!
Please take some time to care about yourself, Deniz.
Nichole
I agree with Nichole. I have a bad feeling too. We have to remember that he has a very specific idea of who you are now. He is also kind of clingy which means maybe jealous too.
It's better to be safe. Men are irrational. You never know when they will be understanding or furious.
Look, I know its so easy to say just walk away, but there are ties here, the hardest thing you can do it tell the person, but in the end it is going to be whats right to ease her soul. Would you want to live your life in hate of yourself for just walking away, I mean I would suggest getting some form of protection to ensure he cannot hurt you...
Like at the restaurant, hire a body guard to sit at another table, just in case...
You never know, asure him that if he cannot handle it, you arent gonna tell anyone, you will just walk away, I dont think this will turn out as bad as it may sound.
But Deniz you did mess up...
Also I just wanna add, that you could twist it a little, What if you told him you wanted to become a Man, say you are a FTM, and see what he says... Think about it.
I'm not sure that 'springing it on you' was all that bad, one might even say that you could see it coming if he is going into the army. I'm not sure how an "oath" is different from getting engaged - though engagement is a promise, not an oath.
But if he sees no need for your education, does he expect you to stay home and have lots of kids for him? How's that going to work out? If he wants lots and lots of kids - and nothing wrong with that - then a huge part of what he expects from a mate, is not going to be delivered.
And I don't think that TS are more emotional than 'other people.' But something about the sentence i found the love of my life, who might take my own life pretty chilling.
Quote from: mara on February 18, 2008, 06:47:14 PM
Look, I know its so easy to say just walk away, but there are ties here, the hardest thing you can do it tell the person, but in the end it is going to be whats right to ease her soul. Would you want to live your life in hate of yourself for just walking away, I mean I would suggest getting some form of protection to ensure he cannot hurt you...
I don't want to sound like I'm saying skip town. I just am worried about her safety. Deniz is the one who knows the man and it's her decision.
Safety above all.
Posted on: February 18, 2008, 06:56:56 PM
Quote from: tekla on February 18, 2008, 06:49:03 PM
And I don't think that TS are more emotional than 'other people.' But something about the sentence i found the love of my life, who might take my own life pretty chilling.
me too. It's probably what set off my concern.
QuoteAnd I don't think that TS are more emotional than 'other people.' But something about the sentence i found the love of my life, who might take my own life pretty chilling.
They may not be more emotional but I think there' a strong predisposition to be dramatic.
:icon_chainsaw:
kk, try the kids thing, let him know you CANT bear children... 0.00% possability of it happening... If he cant take that, then you know what to do... With people like him Id not spring the TS on him unless absolutely necicary... but then again... at this point, you can tell him no and get the 2Am beating, or you can tell him later and get the 5am beating... there both the same beating... Or you can play it safe and just avoid him all together....
But if he dosnt like the idea of you not being able to bear his children, then hes deffinatly not going to like you being TS.
Quote from: mara on February 18, 2008, 06:47:14 PM
Look, I know its so easy to say just walk away, but there are ties here, the hardest thing you can do it tell the person, but in the end it is going to be whats right to ease her soul. Would you want to live your life in hate of yourself for just walking away, I mean I would suggest getting some form of protection to ensure he cannot hurt you...
Like at the restaurant, hire a body guard to sit at another table, just in case...
You never know, asure him that if he cannot handle it, you arent gonna tell anyone, you will just walk away, I dont think this will turn out as bad as it may sound.
But Deniz you did mess up...
Also I just wanna add, that you could twist it a little, What if you told him you wanted to become a Man, say you are a FTM, and see what he says... Think about it.
Mara, I appreciate young romance, or old romance. But I also appreciate how many women do exactly as you suggest and get killed or maimed because of it. They also think "there are ties here, the hardest thing you can do it tell the person, but in the end it is going to be whats right to ease her soul."
And in doing so the soul gets eased into another plane of existence away from the body.
Plus, there's a very good reason that Deniz said: "i found the love of my life, who might take my own life as you say" She knows, don't you, Deniz. You absolutely have that premonition and it doesn't just come out of nowhere, nor is it accidental.
If I think someone might kill me, then I need to get away from them. Do not collect $200, pass go, say goodbye or anything of the sort and especially don't tell him you are TS.
Romance is fantastic -- but murder and mayhem are not.
Deniz, trust your own feeling about this. You think this fella might be dangerous? Trust that.
He is. Nichole
Nichole,
Probally right, but this is a tough call.
I'll call up a straight guy friend and ask him.
ring,ring Ok im back heres what he said:
"I would probally rather not know, I would feel like I was tricked and It would make me hate your community, I consider myself straight, and although you consider your self straight liking guys and all, I would see you as a gay individual cause you still have your penis, If you sprung it on me, and I had been lied to, yeah Id probally end up at least hitting you, but stop there, I would think I would need theraphy down the road cause it wouldnt sit well in me."
I said thanks to my friend his name is Matt by the way, so theres a opinion from a straight guy.
Good luck Deniz...
Quote from: Nichole on February 18, 2008, 08:08:40 PM
Quote from: mara on February 18, 2008, 06:47:14 PM
Look, I know its so easy to say just walk away, but there are ties here, the hardest thing you can do it tell the person, but in the end it is going to be whats right to ease her soul. Would you want to live your life in hate of yourself for just walking away, I mean I would suggest getting some form of protection to ensure he cannot hurt you...
Like at the restaurant, hire a body guard to sit at another table, just in case...
You never know, asure him that if he cannot handle it, you arent gonna tell anyone, you will just walk away, I dont think this will turn out as bad as it may sound.
But Deniz you did mess up...
Also I just wanna add, that you could twist it a little, What if you told him you wanted to become a Man, say you are a FTM, and see what he says... Think about it.
Mara, I appreciate young romance, or old romance. But I also appreciate how many women do exactly as you suggest and get killed or maimed because of it. They also think "there are ties here, the hardest thing you can do it tell the person, but in the end it is going to be whats right to ease her soul."
And in doing so the soul gets eased into another plane of existence away from the body.
Plus, there's a very good reason that Deniz said: "i found the love of my life, who might take my own life as you say" She knows, don't you, Deniz. You absolutely have that premonition and it doesn't just come out of nowhere, nor is it accidental.
If I think someone might kill me, then I need to get away from them. Do not collect $200, pass go, say goodbye or anything of the sort and especially don't tell him you are TS.
Romance is fantastic -- but murder and mayhem are not.
Deniz, trust your own feeling about this. You think this fella might be dangerous? Trust that. He is.
Nichole
i have to agree with you nichole as it is the truth
deniz hun take it from some one whom has been there at that point. and was just lucky to get out when i
did and just RUN away please .
Quote from: mara on February 18, 2008, 08:23:13 PM
Nichole,
Probally right, but this is a tough call.
I'll call up a straight guy friend and ask him.
ring,ring Ok im back heres what he said:
"I would probally rather not know, I would feel like I was tricked and It would make me hate your community, I consider myself straight, and although you consider your self straight liking guys and all, I would see you as a gay individual cause you still have your penis, If you sprung it on me, and I had been lied to, yeah Id probally end up at least hitting you, but stop there, I would think I would need theraphy down the road cause it wouldnt sit well in me."
I said thanks to my friend his name is Matt by the way, so theres a opinion from a straight guy.
Good luck Deniz...
No, Mara, it is NOT a tough call. For you it may be a tough call. For me it is absolutely the only call.
When you work with women every day for eight years who have been sexually abused, raped, beaten and have some of them 'make a tough call' and get shot, beaten to death, dismembered ... NO, it is NOT a tough call.
The life of this girl, Deniz, is NOT a tough call. She NEEDS to get the heck away from this guy on the swiftest and nearest jet available. She can worry if she made a mistake when she is far, far away.
I appreciate what you are trying to say, but I trust my gut, developed by years of working with exactly the sorts of women, and sometimes men and sometimes TS, who have exactly these situations arise and then get 1) very physically injured or 2) killed.
I don't want to discover somehow that this one woman has been added to the dead people I once knew in some way.
You don't agree, fine. But, trust me. This situation stinks to high heaven and Deniz is in danger.
Am I pissed? O, yes, and I will be even more if she goes against her own instincts and stays with this guy. Because she will very likely become yet another statistic.
So, Mara, in this case please ponder over how difficult a choice it is. Let someone with a ton of experience of similar situations go ahead and find it not hard at all.
Deniz, stay away from this guy no matter how much it hurts your heart to leave him! Better a heart beating inside your breast and hurting than one that doesn't beat at all.
Nichole
I'm sorry that you are going through this, Deniz. It's indeed a difficult situation, and I am with Nichole, Rebis, and Cindi, that you should break it off before everything gets worse. But again, that is just my personal opinion. Good luck on whatever you decide to do. :)
tink :icon_chick:
I think we all pretty much agree, just turn and walk away! Please listen to all this advice everyone is giving because I am afraid there is no romance in this situation. There really isn't. This guy has put you on a pedestal, you haven't had sex with him, he will go absolutely troppo if you tell him or he finds out!! Tell him any lie you like, just don't tell him the truth, not even in a letter!
Honestly, he will forget what a beautiful human being you are, he will just think of himself and the lies and the guy thing!!!
It will destroy him and then he will destroy you! I cannot believe he will not act any other way but lash out at you! This very thing just happened here in Australia, the guy found out from the cops that his gf was a ts, he broke nearly every bone in her face!!! :(
Quote from: mara on February 18, 2008, 08:23:13 PM
Nichole,
Probally right, but this is a tough call.
I'll call up a straight guy friend and ask him.
ring,ring Ok im back heres what he said:
"I would probally rather not know, I would feel like I was tricked and It would make me hate your community, I consider myself straight, and although you consider your self straight liking guys and all, I would see you as a gay individual cause you still have your penis, If you sprung it on me, and I had been lied to, yeah Id probally end up at least hitting you, but stop there, I would think I would need theraphy down the road cause it wouldnt sit well in me."
I said thanks to my friend his name is Matt by the way, so theres a opinion from a straight guy.
Good luck Deniz...
In what part of this did you get that I am supporting her staying or telling him??
My friend said he would beat a person that did that did that to him, and that it would hurt him deeply later in life.
My hope was that deniz would read that and make a informed decision that she will most likely get beat, and hurt the man much much deeper than if she just left him.
Deniz,
As teh old saying goes, sometimes you can't see the forest because of the trees...
You are in the middle of this so it can be difficult to think clearly. The very fact that you posted says that your intuition is senseing something your conscious mind doesn't yet see.
No matter how you slice it, we all seem to be in agreement. You need to leave this relationship right away.
Tell him whatever you want. Say that you are looking at schools far away. Tell him you are entering a convent. But you need to get out now.
Chaunte
I'm kind of shocked that in the haste to paint every guy as some sort of psychopath, why does that brush not paint both sides of the fence?
This guy (this poor guy) gives you his heart, his word, his oath - and you did not ever come close to telling him the truth. Look, I don't think that everyone you meet, or you dry cleaner needs that info, but people in a romantic relationship leading to intimacy and possibly a wedding - those people ARE entitled to the truth somewhere between the first date and the oath.
He sounds like a very tradition based, old fashioned kind of guy, and again, nothing wrong in that - but to play him to suit your romantic dreams, while caring nothing for his, is pretty sad stuff. Moreover, I suspect there is some sort of non-mainstream religion deal going on here (Catholics, Southern Baptists, Jews - don't do 'oaths' two years in advance of the wedding. And to that tradition, you have also been less than honest.
I do not believe in justifications for violence - however I also know what people playing with loaded weapons looks like, and, as they say - it don't end well.
Quote from: tekla on February 18, 2008, 10:14:49 PM
I'm kind of shocked that in the haste to paint every guy as some sort of psychopath, why does that brush not paint both sides of the fence?
This guy (this poor guy) gives you his heart, his word, his oath - and you did not ever come close to telling him the truth. Look, I don't think that everyone you meet, or you dry cleaner needs that info, but people in a romantic relationship leading to intimacy and possibly a wedding - those people ARE entitled to the truth somewhere between the first date and the oath.
He sounds like a very tradition based, old fashioned kind of guy, and again, nothing wrong in that - but to play him to suit your romantic dreams, while caring nothing for his, is pretty sad stuff. Moreover, I suspect there is some sort of non-mainstream religion deal going on here (Catholics, Southern Baptists, Jews - don't do 'oaths' two years in advance of the wedding. And to that tradition, you have also been less than honest.
I do not believe in justifications for violence - however I also know what people playing with loaded weapons looks like, and, as they say - it don't end well.
First of all, thank you all for your interest.
I agree with all of you,although sth inside me agrees more with those who encourage me to tell him and hope. Yes i know it is risky but i have to mention two more things.
Greece is a very different country. No hate crimes occur. People do not have guns. It is highly unlikely a greek man to posses and use gun unless he is a cop. However, a story like mine is sth HIGLY unusual to take place.So that factor can not been taken into consideration.
4 months ago, i
TOLD HIM I CAN NOT HAVE CHIILDREN BECAUSE OF SOME HEALTH PROBLEMS. He became blue, he was deeply understanding though.He told me we can adapt. He even asked his mother, if it is possible nowdays a woman not to be able to have chidren, due to new technology and so. I mean he was understanding but i am sure he would fight for it. He talks about family stuff a lot. But again, adaption was sth he proposed.
I know the decision is mine. And it might be the wrong one.However, I am more romantic than the average, and that makes me jeopardize:(
Quote from: deniz on February 19, 2008, 02:58:31 AM
TOLD HIM I CAN NOT HAVE CHIILDREN BECAUSE OF SOME HEALTH PROBLEMS. He became blue, he was deeply understanding though.He told me we can adapt. He even asked his mother, if it is possible nowdays a woman not to be able to have chidren, due to new technology and so. I mean he was understanding but i am sure he would fight for it. He talks about family stuff a lot. But again, adaption was sth he proposed.
I know the decision is mine. And it might be the wrong one.However, I am more romantic than the average, and that makes me jeopardize:(
Hey Deniz,
It sounds like he might be worth a bit more credit that we have been giving him, but if you are going to tell him, PLEASE just make sure that you have a backup plan incase things go horribly wrong. If you tell him, I am hoping with all my heart that things work out well, just please don't do it without preparing properly first.
Oops, you are Greek -- I had assumed you were from somewhere in the US outback (which is silly of me, living in the opposite edge of the EU from you). Sorry.
This changes things a bit, as from what I've understood violence in Greece is very different from violence in the US, the male/female relationships are different, and the LGBT issues are not politically polarised quite in the same way. In other words, take the advice you've got with a grain or two of salt. We are less likely to guess correctly how a homophobic boy from Athens reacts than how a homophobic boy from Houston would (and also the connection between homophobia and transphobia).
Still, like Tekla said, his question about your need to study is what I'd call a bad sign. I'd also be quite upset if someone proposed to me in front of a largish crowd, without talking about it in private first. Then again, in both cases it may be just my cultural background -- in these matters there is something of a north/south division in Europe. You are much better equipped to figure out what these things mean in your case.
I guess the bottom line is, don't take our advice too literally, but please think about these matters. If you can find a way to find out how he'd be likely to react do so; and also keep in mind that one aspect of this is about your keeping things from him. And consider what you want from life, both in terms of romance and career. In any case, good luck.
Nfr
Quote from: tekla on February 18, 2008, 10:14:49 PM
I'm kind of shocked that in the haste to paint every guy as some sort of psychopath, why does that brush not paint both sides of the fence?
every living thing with testicles is a psychopath.
Isn't it?
I guess if your country isn't as violent, I could see how you would think differently. People in the U.S. get shot sometimes just for driving badly (no joke).
Post lost due to idiotically confusing "Quote" and "Modify". ... having a very silly day I am ...
Regardless of where you are, I have a feeling it will hurt him more to know, than if you just simply left him.
Think about it, you leave him, he will be all sad and what not, hell be all like she was the one.
You tell him, hell be, holy ->-bleeped-<- I slept with a guy, he will probally never be the same, even if you havent been intimate, I think that is a really scaring thing to do to a guy.
Agreed.
Ha! I was thinking Athens, GA! Greece, now that's a horse of a different color. My understanding is that Greek men don't consider it gay to top other men. The bottom is a different story. He's a homo for sure! That attitude is common in South America, too.
As an American I try to build in plausable deniability into most things I say. My advice on telling him was prefaced by "If you feel the need to be honest..." and that advice still holds true. It's up to you.
I'm a little surprised at the adamancy of some posters. We have scant information about this man yet some stand ready to condemn him (and all men) as a violent thug to be mortally feared . Because of my work I tend to look for pathology in the behavior of other people. But I need to remind myself that psychosis is the exception rather than the rule. Not all bad behavior indicates illness. Not every man is a woman killer. Let us know the outcome, Deniz.
BTW great English! You write like a native speaker.
Hell, she writes better than most of the native speakers I've had the pleasure to teach. Most of the native speakers I have taught write it like its a second language.
But, people are - or have - a right, to want what they want. It does not make them good or bad. Just real.
I tell people as soon as its necessary and possible. Some go "Thanks, but no thanks." Other say: "but of course, that's what I'm into." I'm not about to find out what people think when they have been fooled, I know that all to well, and its not a good thing.
Quote from: tekla on February 19, 2008, 01:59:44 PM
Hell, she writes better than most of the native speakers I've had the pleasure to teach. Most of the native speakers I have taught write it like its a second language.
But, people are - or have - a right, to want what they want. It does not make them good or bad. Just real.
I tell people as soon as its necessary and possible. Some go "Thanks, but no thanks." Other say: "but of course, that's what I'm into." I'm not about to find out what people think when they have been fooled, I know that all to well, and its not a good thing.
Please don;t judge me wrong. It was not a trick to have sex with him.Love came along. Call me a drama queen. I will tell you a story.about 3 years ago the most attractive boy in college asked me out. he had met me in a party.We dated for about 4-5 times.He seemed in love.i liked him.i was not that feminime but i was attractive. Anyway. i told him my secret before i kissed him.( i am in love he told me.. i freaked so i told him) and he replied
No dude, i am not gay
PS HE HAD INTRODUCED ME TO ALL HIS FRIENDS because he has proud dating me(apperance factor) .After the truth came along i turned from a beautiful girl TO A DUDE!!!no thanks. i am not transition to be a dude with a ->-bleeped-<-(forgive my language) i am in pain. and you made me hostile.i am sorry
Quote from: deniz on February 19, 2008, 02:06:42 PM
Please don;t judge me wrong. It was not a trick to have sex with him.Love came along.
Yes, it was pretty clear already in your first post that this affair grew from you supporting him into something much more, and in such a way that there never was a good or natural opportunity for you to tell him. I don't think people are blaming you in this, even when pointing out that by now you are clearly at a stage where he should already know. Not anyone's fault, but still not good, especially for you.
If you want, we can call you a drama queen. I'll gladly pretend to be an art critic. ;)
Anyway, good luck with this, and please let us know how it goes.
Nfr
OK, your are being a drama queen (and living in SF, working in theater, I DO KNOW drama queens, some of which are even female). Still, at some point people should be told the truth, I wish I had a hard and fast line on that but I don't, but I'm also sure you passed it.
Quote from: tekla on February 19, 2008, 02:30:52 PM
OK, your are being a drama queen (and living in SF, working in theater, I DO KNOW drama queens, some of which are even female). Still, at some point people should be told the truth, I wish I had a hard and fast line on that but I don't, but I'm also sure you passed it.
maybe you are the type who can survive.i admire you for that. and for the cold undetached style. if only i could be like you.but i am not.i am the fragile type.maybe you used to be like me too. who knows,who cares.i am tired of being jugded all the time.parents,frients, partners at work.The only real thing in my life is MY RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT BOY, based on a terrible so called lie.
i feel like THE MATRIX sequel. Please pass me the red pill...i want to be normal and ignorant again.
You never get to be stupid once you know the truth. I'm not all that detached. Nor is my heart cold. Sill, I do value truth, even when it hurts.
Quote from: Claire de Lune on February 19, 2008, 01:49:48 PM
Ha! I was thinking Athens, GA! Greece, now that's a horse of a different color. My understanding is that Greek men don't consider it gay to top other men. The bottom is a different story. He's a homo for sure! That attitude is common in South America, too.
As an American I try to build in plausable deniability into most things I say. My advice on telling him was prefaced by "If you feel the need to be honest..." and that advice still holds true. It's up to you.
I'm a little surprised at the adamancy of some posters. We have scant information about this man yet some stand ready to condemn him (and all men) as a violent thug to be mortally feared . Because of my work I tend to look for pathology in the behavior of other people. But I need to remind myself that psychosis is the exception rather than the rule. Not all bad behavior indicates illness. Not every man is a woman killer. Let us know the outcome, Deniz.
BTW great English! You write like a native speaker.
Deniz, to some degree I do have to agree with the above post from Claire, Not all men are Women Beaters, some understand it is a crime to hit another...
My basis is though that if he finds out it will scar him worse than if you left him thinking you fell out of love with him, let him stay in his ignorance, it will do him better later in life.
To be honest I am a Transwomen, and I am Lesbian, If I was dating a girl and then she told me that she was a Transwoman also, I would not be happy....
I find no attraction to men, and although I sucribe clearly to the fact that I was born a man, but feel I am a woman, If I was "tricked" and not told up front I would feel wrong as though I was with a man.
Thats Ignorance for you, but it is how it works.
I dont think anyone on this board is going to clearly tell you to Tell him and hope he is ok with it, it just isnt good policy, we arent gonna be responsible for his attitude if he takes things south...
I would suggest a therapist, or family counselor
Deniz, to some degree I do have to agree with the above post from Claire, Not all men are Women Beaters, some understand it is a crime to hit another
I don't know many, if any, men where you could get away with that. The guys I know, real macho types, would pound you into the ground for that, even if if she deserved it. It is the training. Don't believe me, go hit some girl in a biker bar, and see how many steps you get past the door.
Quote from: tekla on February 19, 2008, 03:56:03 PM
Deniz, to some degree I do have to agree with the above post from Claire, Not all men are Women Beaters, some understand it is a crime to hit another
I don't know many, if any, men where you could get away with that. The guys I know, real macho types, would pound you into the ground for that, even if if she deserved it. It is the training. Don't believe me, go hit some girl in a biker bar, and see how many steps you get past the door.
What the hell?? Nobody should be beaten to the ground for anything! That is a load of crap and I do not subscribe to it! Being TS is not a license for someone to beat the sh*t out of you! NEVER, NEVER an excuse!
We are all assuming that this guy is a macho sonofabitch who will try it. He might not even think like that, but the risk in my point of view is quite high for one important fact, I DON'T KNOW HIM! ::)
Tek? that last post kinda confused me?
Point simple he touches you in any way, LAWSUIT, thats the way I live...
If someone messes with me and ends up touching me, I will go dramatic on them, I will do what ever it takes to get a conviction and a lawsuit. period.
The duty of the strong (no matter gender, sex, or sexual choice) is to protect the weak against the bullies, and the bullies, always (ALWAYS) flee, when faced with real people. We have girls on our crew, and when some street jerk calls them down we back away, because we do not want them to think we don't respect them. But, we don't back down too far, we want that jerk to know, if he wins that fight, that's going to be the least of his problems.
And, what I've learned after years of grad school, is that colors matter. I would never go against my crew. "I didn't see anything." End of statement. No matter what he says to the cops, its his word (one person) against 12 who did not see anything. No arrest there.
And yes, some guy beating down some girl, is going to get his ass kicked by us. Call me a male for that, but girls love it. They are safe with us. We protect women, an old fashioned deal, but that is the deal gone down nonetheless. By the way, if you hit a girl in front of us, its our girls who would be on you first, we just follow them.
I am so confused even more... What about yur "crew" now?
You know Tekla hon? You're scary.
And I do mean that in the nicest possible way :P
Posted on: 19 February 2008, 16:41:20
From my original post, sadly lost due to my extreme ineptitude...
Quote from: Lady Amarant
And yes, I do believe testosterone makes people crazy - the more you have, the more wary of you I'm going to be.
Just to clarify - I am not a man-hating dyke. There are many men out there who are strong, gentle, wonderful.
But a little T goes a long way, and waaaay too many men these days seem to feel the need to prove they have more than the next bloke in line, be it in the boardroom or in the pub or on the street. Either they have too much actual T in their systems, or they are trying to act like they do - either way, they are dangerous.
These are people I've worked with, toured with, lived with day in and day out for now, some 30 odd (very odd years).
Ahhhhh Greece... Thats a diffrent story all together... This goes from being a 99% chance of being badly hurt or worse to being a much more tame issue.... If you were in Athens Georgia U.S. then youd probably get yourself killed by all this...
My Mother <who hates my guts> has a friend Tony grom greece who is one of the most awsome people Ive met... Seems fairly macho but in the end is actualy a gential soul... I dobut he would ever harm anyone in anger... Europeans, even conservitave europeans think diffrently than those on this side of the pond in the U.S.
Here Conservitave boy + Joining the military or already in the military + TS girl = badly beat up or dead if there are romantic feelings involved...
Tell him if you feel the need to... I was really moved by your story... I just feared for you quite abit due to the ASSUMED context of it all... oh well, you know what assuming means right ;)
Good luck... have fun... and still be careful and be safe...
Deniz, you have crossed a line and emotion has nothing to do with it. Blame it on hormones if you will, but I'd think a surer culprit would be your own sense of validation that he fell in love with you. So, you got that validation.
How you get out of it is, quite frankly, your own problem. Being totally up-front about some things is not a bad idea at all. For instance, the opening post to this thread.
I'd still hate to see you get hurt, killed, maimed although you have set the event in-motion should it occur. It sounds like, now, that you have very unjustly placed this fellow in a position where his honor, of which he seems to have a good bit, is going to be dinted at the very least.
Tell him or not. That's your call.
But, for the sake of just common decency, at least never play this game again. Someone, maybe you, is going to get hurt very badly. And, for the sake of an ego, that is just unacceptable.
Nichole
Completely agree nichole...
I know, I'm the lone girl here. I think you should give this guy a chance. Sure, do it is a safe way, but if he is that sweet and kind to you, he may love you so much that it conquers all. If you really do care that much for him, how would you feel for the rest of your life wondering if you might have made it work? A lot of people are phobic until they actually meet someone. Then the issue looks quite different.
I wish you the very best!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
Quote from: LynnER on February 19, 2008, 05:24:14 PM
Here Conservitave boy + Joining the military or already in the military + TS girl = badly beat up or dead if there are romantic feelings involved...
Tell him if you feel the need to... I was really moved by your story... I just feared for you quite abit due to the ASSUMED context of it all... oh well, you know what assuming means right ;)
Good luck... have fun... and still be careful and be safe...
It should be said that that Greek soldiers are conscripts. Healthy men have a military obligation for a couple years anyway. They remain on reserve status for a long time after.
I think that everyone has an obligation to serve their nation. Nothing wrong in that. How's its done, ah, there is the rub.
I believe we can each best serve our nation by rubbing it.
Quote from: Rebis on February 19, 2008, 08:02:57 PM
I believe we can each best serve our nation by rubbing it.
The right way or the left way, Rebis? Or would a center stroke be best? :laugh:
N~
Quote from: tekla on February 19, 2008, 07:40:40 PM
I think that everyone has an obligation to serve their nation. Nothing wrong in that. How's its done, ah, there is the rub.
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Enough said.
Quote from: Nichole on February 19, 2008, 08:07:28 PM
Quote from: Rebis on February 19, 2008, 08:02:57 PM
I believe we can each best serve our nation by rubbing it.
The right way or the left way, Rebis? Or would a center stroke be best? :laugh:
N~
whatever way it takes to get it clean. Or dirty.
The real rub is that now, at a time of crisis, we can't really debate what is very important.
Quote from: Claire de Lune on February 19, 2008, 08:11:48 PM
Quote from: tekla on February 19, 2008, 07:40:40 PM
I think that everyone has an obligation to serve their nation. Nothing wrong in that. How's its done, ah, there is the rub.
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Enough said.
Wow Claire. That was heartbreaking.