Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Just curious, my friend and I were talking about this a few days ago.
How often do you cry?
How do you feel when you cry?
Is it the same amount as before hormones? I'm curious about everyone regardless of gender identity.

:)

Meghan

I voted "I don't remember the last time I cried," and it bugs me. There are often times when I feel like I'm right on the brink, but the [explicative deleted] tears just won't come. I'm sure I'd feel better sooner if they did.

I used to cry alot more often before hrt. but it was mostly me just full of apathy, with tears streaming down my face, more just tears than actual crying. Whereas now it is a much more dramatic thing. full sobbing, loosing my breath, the whole lot... like a kid throwing a tantrum :D But it is far less frequent, and certainly feels like a release.

I have to get drunk to cry.

I did not vote because the amount I cry varies so much and has my my entire life. Sometimes things
just build up and it just happens, maybe related to hormone levels more than anything though.

Since starting HRT  I've cried twice, once after being read when I thought I was somewhat
passable and once just because I was so happy to be where I was, having started HRT and
moving forward.

Prior to that it varied. From age 9 to about 25 it was very easy for me to cry and I had to leave the room,
or change the subject very quickly to avoid being caught when I got older. Older teen boys are just
not supposed to cry and it was very hard because I didn't know the reasons (at the time).
My therapist tells me those were normal female emotional responses and she is not surprised I
had them.

Two years ago was horrible, my emotions were on a roller coaster and I cried often. I'd be sitting at
work and have tears running down my face. There was nothing bad in my life to cause it, externally,
but internally I was a mess and I knew that something had to change.

I think I was really coming to terms with GID and at least subconsciously moving forward
knowing I was going to have to do something but still not wanting to. Just writing that is
making me tear up. :)

When I started thinking more about GID and what was happening internally and why
I was so unhappy the crying stopped pretty much until I started HRT.

Although touching movies have always brought tears regardless of my age. I get so involved and lost
that I lose track that it's just a movie. To this day I don't think my SO knows that I cry during movies.

And "How do I feel"... for the most part it's usually a very good feeling. It's hard to explain but it feels
good to let things out. I know kinda strange :)

So, that's more than you wanted but there it is :)

At least once a week, but not for sadness, not mostly. Sometimes I am so happy, elated, etc as well. Funny though, when I was younger I used to cry when I was enraged.

I don't get enraged anymore, and I don't cry when I am angry.

N~

at least once a month where there's a reason to cry

Once in a while I'll just cry and I can't figure out why.  I can get very emotional when I'm inspired.  I rarely cry for sadness.  I sometimes cry when I feel hopeless.

I do cry more now than before I transitioned.  I never cried before that.  It was socially unacceptable and that sentiment even carried through to times I spent alone.

Cindi

Quote
Question:      How often do you typically cry (outside of tragic events, just in normal course of your life)?
At least once a day    - 1 (14.3%)
At least once a week    - 1 (14.3%)
At least once a month    - 3 (42.9%)
Every few months or longer    - 0 (0%)
I don't remember the last time I cried    - 2 (28.6%)
   
Total Voters: 7

Albeit perhaps my life/etc. could be described as a tragic event, but meh. I cry often enough that it isn't note worthy; Which, all in all is "good" it's just that the subjects kind of hurt. Well, actually they hurt a lot, ergo the tears but meh.

Emotions translate into tears for me. The type of emotion doesn't matter: sadness, happiness, gratitude, appreciation, regret... it all translates into tears. Not necessarily Cry Me A River, but... I cry. Every day or so. It's not that something MAKES me cry; it's more like I'm constantly holding them BACK, and something will occasionally break my grip on it. And sometimes I just Let Go.

But it feels good to finally be ALIVE... even when it feels "bad" ;)

~Kate~

EDIT: And ya know what? I can turn the tears on now like a switch. I just did it now for fun, lol. Maybe it's a female talent, lol, I don't know.

I need a good cry every three weeks or so or I become excessively crochety.

So, we've got scheduled bawling sessions now?  :laugh:

If I'm genuinely upset, I have to be drunk to squeeze out a tear because drinking weakens my defenses.
Now if I'm not upset, if something has touched me so that my heart turns over, I can cry without liquid assistance.

Well I average about once a week now. Which probably a little less than pre-hrt. The three years before starting hrt I would just hit rock bottom start crying even at college or even the people work for. Now it takes someone to upset me and sometimes I get down about my situation and if let myself I can really get stirred up and I find it harder to to quit crying. Oh had trouble with crying over movies before now I definitely cry more and quicker. I feel different ways when crying like hurt, sandiness, uncertainty, and happy bliss(these are great never had them before hrt).

Anna

for me  it very,s for me  some days iam all ok . but others the water work,s run a lot. or if i watch tv shows

like extreame home make over on abc. i just break out . and cry the whole time  ::) ::)

I think I pressed the wrong one. I'm not used to typing on a lap top so I'm a little slow here and I hit the wrong ones. I wanted to press once a day and it came up once a month. I cry for no reason at all and it just comes. I was sitting in my bus the other day, waiting for it to warm up and I thought of my life and started crying, I was happy, but I was crying. Another driver came over and asked me if I was all right and I told her why I was crying and she gave me a big hug and started to cry too. I think that if anymore drivers came over we would have had a party with Kleenex.
Sheila

Well, I  would assume it depends on your level of sensitivity or a particular situation.  Also, let's keep in mind that crying is a need, psychological as well as biological. You need to cry to relief yourself, no?

When do I cry?  all the time.  LOL  ;D

Hmmm...When I'm happy, when I'm extremely frustrated or angry.
When a loved one is going through really hard times; I feel horrible for them, especially because I feel impotent and do not know how to help them.

tink :icon_chick:

Quote from: Sheila on March 20, 2008, 09:14:00 PM
I think I pressed the wrong one. I'm not used to typing on a lap top so I'm a little slow here and I hit the wrong ones. I wanted to press once a day and it came up once a month.
Sheila

Sheila, I have to know.... did pressing the wrong one make you cry?  ;)

Cindi

Quote from: Tink on March 20, 2008, 09:19:24 PM
When a loved one is going through really hard times; I feel horrible for them, especially because I feel impotent and do not know how to help them.

Yes! AND... the thing that's terribly embarassing... is I cry every time I see someone ELSE crying! It drives me crazy. I don't even need to know WHY they're crying. They cry. I cry. It's ridiculous, lol, I feel so silly. It's like it's contagious somehow.

~Kate~

Quote from: Kimberly on March 20, 2008, 07:21:39 PM

Quote
Question:      How often do you typically cry (outside of tragic events, just in normal course of your life)?
At least once a day    - 1 (14.3%)
At least once a week    - 1 (14.3%)
At least once a month    - 3 (42.9%)
Every few months or longer    - 0 (0%)
I don't remember the last time I cried    - 2 (28.6%)
   
Total Voters: 7

Albeit perhaps my life/etc. could be described as a tragic event, but meh. I cry often enough that it isn't note worthy; Which, all in all is "good" it's just that the subjects kind of hurt. Well, actually they hurt a lot, ergo the tears but meh.

:-* :icon_hug:

beth

Quote from: Kate on March 20, 2008, 11:14:09 PM

Quote from: Tink on March 20, 2008, 09:19:24 PM
When a loved one is going through really hard times; I feel horrible for them, especially because I feel impotent and do not know how to help them.

Yes! AND... the thing that's terribly embarrassing... is I cry every time I see someone ELSE crying! It drives me crazy. I don't even need to know WHY they're crying. They cry. I cry. It's ridiculous, lol, I feel so silly. It's like it's contagious somehow.

~Kate~

Yea, I forgot about this one, at times I've been the same way, for me I think it depends how many emotions are bottled up
inside, just waiting under the surface to get released.

I won't get into his politics  but when I see George Bush tear up in front of millions of people I know exactly what he is
feeling and regardless of your feelings about him, you can't help but relate and feel for him. I've been there, and it was
embarrassing, especially in my deep dark denial days.

My wife is most likely to cry when she's angry, and she hates that. When she's angry, she wants to seem ... I'm not sure of the right word ... intimidating, perhaps. She feels that her anger isn't taken seriously if she cries.

Once I was on HRT, it became so much easier to cry. I felt very grateful at this new gift to be able to let out my feelings through tears. A sense of great beauty makes me cry as much as sadness. Certain pieces of music always make me cry every time I hear them, some because they're sad and others because they fill my heart with a sense of how beautiful life can be if we open ourselves to it. Estrogen enhances all my feelings to a far richer degree than was possible without it. Estrogen is MSG for the soul...

I've cried lots when I watch movies, when I watch the sorrows this world's going through, when I feel trapped & hopeless.  Times are changing for me though and my tears are subsiding.

I cry at least once a day sometimes more. It's for different things. I cry out of joy, cry when I'm angered, cry when I am sad. I also cry when someone else is crying. For me it depends on the currant situation. Tears come easy for me always has. I never was allowed to show it. ONly in the past few years I can cry more openly. It's a relief at times, other times I just cry for no reason I can think of. I'm not even on HRT yet. SOmetimes it just feels good.

Linda Ann

Love being female :angel:

I cry whenever I look into a mirror. So I stop looking. I cry whenever I sad movie comes along and others cry...

Kate was right. When other people cry..I cannot stop.

I hardly ever cry because i follow a very good moto.

Que Sera, Sera (Whatever Will Be Will Be).

The futures not ours to see so why cry about it.

I used to cry all the time before going on T. Since going on T (almost a year now) I have cried exactly once, and that was when my kitten was diagnosed with FelV. Other than that,  nada.

I cry every now and then when I get to thinking how hopeless it all seems. Such as now when I write this post, I'm already starting to cry.

I cry when other people cry, in books or in movies or in real life.

Sometimes, I cry for no reason at all.

Occasionally, I cry when I'm happy.

I always cry when I'm angry.

I never let anyone see me cry.


~Moi

I cry when I think about the family I don't have anymore.

Quote from: Nero on March 20, 2008, 03:52:42 PM
I have to get drunk to cry.

I can't even do that anymore  :-\

I find it easier to feel any reason to cry but especially over sentimental reasons, or certain songs, movies, disturbing dreams, I sometimes cry when I am laughing or cry for simply no reason, just feel like it. I cry when I hear something cruel or mean going on, or people that are hurting for whatever reason. Tonight Wing Walker and I went out to a restaurant to have supper and there was this couple who were being quite obnoxious towards the waitress. Those ignorant so and so's walked out without paying their bill. I called the waitress over and asked her to sit beside me and I held her hand and I let her do the talking and when she began to cry so did I. Nothing very eventful except for two women sharing a moment together.

As Wing Walker and I went up to the counter to pay the check there were two BC mounties walked in and were asking some questions to the lady at the cash register. Good I hope they find them.

Cindy   

I cry often and usually in private. When I was much younger I would cry everytime my emotions would be bumped... like, slight embarassment, heck from my parents, someone speaking harshly to me at school, hearing someone else cry (still gets to me!) ... and I have gotten control over it with age. But I still allow myself to cry often, maybe 1 or 2 times a week, because I find it cleansing, and it replaces other things I might feel, like anger or rage. Sometimes things appear much clearer to me after a good cry.

Hi Lisbeth, I know what that is like and yes it hurts. But then it was them that ostracised me, for how ever much that can ease the pain. We wanted to be who we are, hell, we were driven to it but after jumping that transition fence I was happy to be who I am. A person with a warm heart whose only wish is to heal all of the pain in all of humanity's heart.

Cindy 

Quote from: cindybc on May 04, 2008, 04:34:37 AM
Hi Lisbeth, I know what that is like and yes it hurts. But then it was them that ostracised me, for how ever much that can ease the pain. We wanted to be who we are, hell, we were driven to it but after jumping that transition fence I was happy to be who I am. A person with a warm heart whose only wish is to heal all of the pain in all of humanity's heart.

Cindy 

I'm slowly learning that there is a great deal of humanity that doesn't want to have me heal their pain.  Or else I'm so bad at it that I only make things worse.

a great deal of humanity that doesn't want to have me heal their pain

Sometimes if the pain is all you have, its the only thing you have to hold on to - or so it seems at the time.  And despite our best intentions, there are some places in the interior castle of the soul that once you walk into them, you're the only one who can find a way back out.

When I was little I used to cry a lot and I mean a LOT.  I even used to cry because I cried so much.  People would make fun of my at school because I used to cry. 

Boys aren't supposed to cry. 


Now though, I really don't cry much at all.  I taught myself how not to.  And it really scares me sometimes that I don't cry. There are times that I want to.  Sometimes I feel so utterly horrible but I won't even shed a single tear.  Sometimes it feels like I'm completely devoid of any emotion what so ever.  It's especially bad when I'm with other people.  Even the closest person to me has seen me cry so rarely.


When I'm alone sometimes I watch really sad movies for the specific purpose of making myself cry because I actually feel better when I do.


There is one exception though.  And it's really strange.  Whenever I watch the movie "My Girl" I start crying.
It's not even that sad of a movie.  But it always happens.  My girlfriend makes fun of me for that.  *shrugs*. ^_^  It is kinda funny.  I really don't know why it makes me cry.  It just does.

Hi Lisbeth, you are doing the right thing, I was a social worker for twenty years, long enough to learn you can't save everyone, unfortunately you loose more then you win and that is the normal status quo when in the life saving business, even for Paramedics and the Coast Guard etc.

But that doesn't mean we are going to stop trying to help folks, not if our desire to help others is strong in our hearts we learn to just let go those who are only using us, wasting our time  or just plane don't want your help. Oh yes, there is is also the psychic vampire to watch for. Those that suck you into their problems and pain but not really looking for help, just wanting to suck your energy. Those are the ones who will find dozens of excuses as to why what you suggest will not work, sound familiar?

Much love Lisbeth

Cindy

I voted "once a day" but that is because I get teary eyed just because I thought of, or saw, something that touched me.  I never used to do that before HRT.  Danged estrogen...Thank you, lol.

Th estrogen only just more finely tuned the senses I already had before.

Cindy

Quote from: cindybc on May 04, 2008, 04:33:28 PM
Hi Lisbeth, you are doing the right thing, I was a social worker for twenty years, long enough to learn you can't save everyone, unfortunately you loose more then you win and that is the normal status quo when in the life saving business, even for Paramedics and the Coast Guard etc.

But that doesn't mean we are going to stop trying to help folks, not if our desire to help others is strong in our hearts we learn to just let go those who are only using us, wasting our time  or just plane don't want your help. Oh yes, there is is also the psychic vampire to watch for. Those that suck you into their problems and pain but not really looking for help, just wanting to suck your energy. Those are the ones who will find dozens of excuses as to why what you suggest will not work, sound familiar?

Much love Lisbeth

Cindy

I don't know. Maybe. *crying*

Hi Lisbeth, well you can use my shoulder to cry on if you wish. Only got a small shoulder but still plenty of room there for someone to cry on.

Cindy

Posted on: May 04, 2008, 09:28:27 PM

---

Hi Shades O'Grey

QuoteMy wife is most likely to cry when she's angry, and she hates that. When she's angry, she wants to seem ... I'm not sure of the right word ... intimidating, perhaps. She feels that her anger isn't taken seriously if she cries

That I can truly attest to, *Hell hath not the fury of a woman scorned.*

Yes, I have personally had the experience of being a woman scorned. She feels that in order to establish her position on what she feels, she will find it necessary to exert her disapproval or displeasure to the n-^th degree to make her feelings understood.  This is business as usual.  Turn her away, leave her for another, or leave her to be the woman you really are and she will be most difficult to deal with; a woman scorned. 

Cindy

QuoteWhen I was little I used to cry a lot and I mean a LOT.  I even used to cry because I cried so much.  People would make fun of my at school because I used to cry. 

Boys aren't supposed to cry. 

Now though, I really don't cry much at all.  I taught myself how not to. 

I got made fun of too and you can teach yourself not to cry... or for me not to FEEL anything... I
was like the ice princess from about 12 on.... really scary because I did not laugh, cry, yell, get
excited or show any emotions really.

If I recall you have not started HRT yet... I think you will find that an interesting
experience.

Amanda

I cry for many different reasons.  If I get really angry, I will cry.  If I get frustrated, I will cry.
I cry when I feel sorry for myself, I cry when I see the news and the injustices in this world,
I cry when someone hurts me, I cry if I hurt myself, I cry at a tear jerker movie or a feel good movie,
I cry when I say goodbye, I cry alone mostly and feel better afterwards,
but have cried in front of others on a few occasions. Freaks everyone out, especially if I'm driving!  :o



So basically, I am a cry baby!  But its my little secret.  >:D

Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on May 04, 2008, 10:25:08 PM
I got made fun of too and you can teach yourself not to cry... or for me not to FEEL anything... I
was like the ice princess from about 12 on.... really scary because I did not laugh, cry, yell, get
excited or show any emotions really.

I'm still like that. I can't recall the last time I yelled or cried in public. Heck, even when I'm supposed to be enjoying myself, I don't let it show.

It's scary, yeah. I still get surprised at how void of emotion I can be sometimes. I don't let myself show any sign of pshysical pain either.

Someone once remarked that she'd never seen me happy. I had to reflect upon that, and I found that she was right and it scared me.

I'm never angry any more, either. I just feel nothing, show nothing.


~Moi

Hi Moira Midnigh and Amanda I have once been where you two talk about. Not a nice place to be. Well you have heard how some people will slice their wrists, not in attempt to suicide but do it just to assure themselves that they are still alive. Can you imagine being void of feelings to that depth? Well I thought I was going to be the smarty pants and do the same thing by stabbing myself in the palms of my hands with an ice pick. Well let me say that once I regained my senses and feelings again, I could have got on my knees and kissed my shrink's feet.

You want to bet that I cherished every sensation and feelings that came to me after the Estrogen. I felt blessed. Something nobody will ever steal from me again. Those who have hurt me are no longer part of my life.

I have Wing Walker and her big heart with the capacity to love like I have never before felt from anyone else except for my mom when I was a kid.

Cindy 

I have turned to physical pain as well, just to prove to myself that I could feel something at least. I'm starting to worry those scars will never go away, but I guess I deserved that for my stupidity.

Sometimes, I just think it's all my fault I ended up like this. I don't know, am I to blame for what's happened to me?

So anyway. I get these days when everything just seems hopeless and I can't even let the tears out or shout, but I can just pretend to ignore it and stare blankly ahead while my mind's racing in thirteen directions at once. Is it so strange that I have a hard time concentrating, then?


~Moi

Honey, that's exactly the problem, there will be scars that will stay there until you get on the Grey Hound bus to take you away to the cosmos. That was why I used an ice pic, can't hardly see the scars, but enough to remind me where I came from and it keeps me humbled. Thank God that life of hell is back there somewhere and this is my new life, which I Cherish it and love it today. Transition didn't only change my gender it changed my entire conception of life as well. I get my ups and downs, but if I get to feeling down to long, I go out and find me somebody to rescue.

Cindy   

Lately, it seems like just about every day. Sometimes it's because I'm happy, and sometimes it's because I'm sad. Sometimes I could water the garden with my tears, and become as dehydrated as desert sand.

Quote from: Nero on March 20, 2008, 03:52:42 PM
I have to get drunk to cry.

I usually do too... Which kind of disturbs me. My emotional mechanism is now almost "clogged" if you will. This is one trigger than unclogs it, cause the walls go away.

I did lose it a couple weeks back, but it was only when I triggered it on purpose. I looked at the pictures of my friend I missed, and I kept the fit going because I needed it.

I really wish I could just cry right now, cause nothing is going right in my life. The few links I have that are strong, I miss bitterly, whether they be dead or alive, and the others are weak links at best.

I'm no alcoholic though... At least not yet. I can't find myself to drink when I feel I have accomplished nothing. I only do it occasionally, and the last few times I did, I was extremely soft in mindset. It seems my fully feminine side emerges when I'm drunk, and so does everything truthful. Everything I want to do, I end up doing without the major limits. Not bad things... But being a bit too informative. I can thank it for helping me tell a friend about it all, but I kind of wish I didn't break down around them...

I REALLY want to cry right now. I'm completely alone...

Hi, nickie,

Here is a post I wrote in another thread that I thought kind of fits right into this thread's topic quite well:

QuoteIt seems, well not just seems, I know from experience that our sensitivities on all levels are intensified after some time being on HRT. The crying and tears can be out of sentiment or sadness, happiness, or crying and laughing both at the same time, sometimes for no apparent reasons whatsoever.

One affect I have discovered that was quite sobering was that when both are equally intense, negativity and positive feelings get to a point where they are impossible to tell one from the other. They are equally as deep, so I turn this energy back in the form of prayer to Universe.

And then there is the silly crying. I enjoy it because I never before really let myself feel these feelings. Through this experience I have discovered just how valuable the the ability to shed tears is. Deep cleansing and healing through the shedding of tears.

As for being hugged by other people, that depends on what I feel inside of them, if I feel uncomfortable with some I will not approach them. But if I feel that warmth inside another then I do love to feel their energy.  Unfortunately I have only met a few people with whom I felt that type of energy

When I get weepy I listen to this song (see links below). Imagine energy of every color of every description radiating into the Earth's atmosphere spreading healing energy for all in the world. May sound kind of silly but those are my feelings.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2ybCjf6ras (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2ybCjf6ras)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X23MoTtVplE (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X23MoTtVplE)

Cindy

omg i hate crying so much. i try to avoid it as much as possible.. its like one of my phobias.. yes i know its weird.. my other one is puking..

Just thinking about life, everything. My friends, My Family, ect. I cry mainly when I think about my friend James, and only because he was so close to me, and now he tries everything in his power to hurt me it seems like. But I do cry for joy when I think about my future with Damion

At least once a week.

I cry sometimes because I'm overjoyed and happy, but usually because I'm depressed and I feel very uncomfortable with my body. So uncomfortable that my body will go as far as to frighten me. The fear of never being who I am, the fear of never passing, the fear of developing more rapidly. I have a lot of fears about my transition. It never happening, or happening too late... I fear my growth plates will close sooner than I'd like and I'll stay 5'3". I have a lot of reasons to cry besides transgender issues, but those issues have been really eating at me recently.

I cry about similar stuff.

I think the only crying that isn't beneficial to me is something my mom inflicted on me. Cause otherwise its for my late friend, happiness, shock, fear, fear of the future, stress, and bits of love I guess.

It also moisturizes my eyes...

So bad and good...

Quote from: kotafiend on July 11, 2008, 06:38:24 AM
omg i hate crying so much. i try to avoid it as much as possible.. its like one of my phobias.. yes i know its weird.. my other one is puking..

crying:upset emotions::puking:upset stomach 

"better out than in"

Quote from: Hypatia on July 22, 2008, 11:53:40 AM

Quote from: kotafiend on July 11, 2008, 06:38:24 AM
omg i hate crying so much. i try to avoid it as much as possible.. its like one of my phobias.. yes i know its weird.. my other one is puking..

crying:upset emotions::puking:upset stomach 

"better out than in"

For me crying means not being able to breath.  I get these massive histamine reactions when I cry.

Goodness, when I was in the last spiralling flame-out of my apparently male existence, I had got to where I NEVER cried, or felt much else, either. I genuinely wondered whether i had lost the capacity to feel real joy.

Now, I cry LOTS. And the overwhelming majority of the time it isn't sadness, though it can be. It can be any strong emotion. All my emotions came back, and I love it!!!!!!! Say something sweet to me and I'll cry. Show me something sad or brave and I'll cry. Making love makes me cry. PMS makes me cry lol.

Hey, I love it this way, and I can use up all the tissues I want, they'll make more.

sings: she's a reallllllll emotional girrrrrrl......

Stealth

I've always cried. Ever since I was a little girl, for many different reasons. Since I've started HRT,  emotionally, I've been more stable, more solidly grounded. I still cry, but not as often.

That person who used to be before I was, was in full retreat, a hermit in his dark little cave. He didn't have any feelings and did not much like having too many people around him. He killed his feeling because he couldn't dare or bear to feel them. They were too painful to feel. So for a time this person was emotionless. He finally surrendered to his master, alcohol, and was set free but still unable to feel.

For me it started very slowly by caring for those whom had sunk deeper than I, like, you know, the blind leading the blind? But in time I came to be healed of much of my wounds and what finalised the pact between he and she is that he surrendered by putting his weapon on the ground and shouted, "I will fight no more. He then proceeded to lay upon his cape on the stone slab and drifted off to the nether lands.

It was after this separation that I came to the full awareness of who I was, who was in charge of the inner self, and I found such a treasure of emotions that I would never have guessed there were.

Love thyself.

Cindy   

Every three months.
I time it to the day, to the hour.
:(

Every week I picked, though there are times go for a few weeks without crying.  But if I cry once I will probably cry many times in the following few weeks/months.   Usually it's when angery.  I hate crying, but I can't seem to control it :(

I cry when I'm pissed off as well as when I'm sad, or happy. It's kind of funny...I've been about to get in a free for all brawl and burst into tears out of rage...

Lol... Me too.. Except the sex part. If I found someone cool enough I'd probably cry but it would mostly be sweat I'd think. Lol...


But I dk... I really need a good one soon, but things are finally going okay. For now at least D:

Quote from: Stealthgrrl on July 27, 2008, 10:23:07 AM
Goodness, when I was in the last spiralling flame-out of my apparently male existence, I had got to where I NEVER cried, or felt much else, either. I genuinely wondered whether i had lost the capacity to feel real joy.

Now, I cry LOTS. And the overwhelming majority of the time it isn't sadness, though it can be. It can be any strong emotion. All my emotions came back, and I love it!!!!!!! Say something sweet to me and I'll cry. Show me something sad or brave and I'll cry. Making love makes me cry. PMS makes me cry lol.

Hey, I love it this way, and I can use up all the tissues I want, they'll make more.

sings: she's a reallllllll emotional girrrrrrl......

Stealth

I very rarely cry. I'm not on hormones yet, but most of the time when I feel like crying my eyes just burn but no tears come. Crying more often would probably be good but I don't seem to be able to.

Quote from: Moira Midnigh on May 05, 2008, 03:23:01 AM

Quote from: AlwaysAmanda on May 04, 2008, 10:25:08 PM
I got made fun of too and you can teach yourself not to cry... or for me not to FEEL anything... I
was like the ice princess from about 12 on.... really scary because I did not laugh, cry, yell, get
excited or show any emotions really.

I'm still like that. I can't recall the last time I yelled or cried in public. Heck, even when I'm supposed to be enjoying myself, I don't let it show.

It's scary, yeah. I still get surprised at how void of emotion I can be sometimes. I don't let myself show any sign of pshysical pain either.

Someone once remarked that she'd never seen me happy. I had to reflect upon that, and I found that she was right and it scared me.

I'm never angry any more, either. I just feel nothing, show nothing.


~Moi

I was just like that not very long ago. Like a robot, not showing any emotion or pain. Never laughed, cried, got angry, never felt anything at all. When I finally realised and fully accepted who I am without shame, knowing that something could be done, I cried for the first time in years. Slowly I've started feeling more and now I can actually laugh again, though I still don't do it very much. Before I only had crazed laughing fits (I still have those but only when I'm very tired), no real laughter whatsoever.

"Slowly I've started feeling more and now I can actually laugh again, though I still don't do it very much. Before I only had crazed laughing fits (I still have those but only when I'm very tired), no real laughter whatsoever."

But you are able to laugh again? Can't imagine being able to cry but not to laugh. That would be horrible... :embarrassed:

I usually only cry when I get very tired and stressed out and things start getting out of control. Never cried in/because of a movie (though I've certainly come close to it). But yes, if nothing traumatic happens, and if nothing gets out of hand, then I can go for months on end without crying.

:icon_hug:

I rarely cried pre-HRT, but now I'll cry once a month, and it doesn't bother me because I know it's normal.  Sometimes I cry out of sadness, other times because I'm stressed out and crying serves as a good, healthy release.  When I get really happy about something I'll cry out of joy, and sometimes I cry because of a movie.  If anyone's seen The Notebook you'll know what I mean.  I bawled when I saw that movie.

I feel better after a good cry.  :)

Jenn

Lately, i'm finding it alot hard to cry.
Shed a few tears maybe, but not full on cry.
Its like i stop myself cause i think its a lil...stupid lol.
Though people will disagree with that,
I feel alot more numb than i used too which sucks. Some times i want to cry but i cant, or wont. Who knows.
It sucks but what can yeh do lol.

I still cry daily. Heck, I can on demand actually. Sad that it's all sadness though save rare occasions otherwise. But meh, better than being emotionally dead like I was.

I'm in need of a good cry but I cant seem to be able to trigger it yet. Crap.

I was REALLY close last night but I feel asleep.

I've been crying a lot in the last couple of months, at two or three times a day. :icon_cry:

Quote from: The Elf's Miss Lisbeff on August 24, 2008, 11:21:19 AM
I've been crying a lot in the last couple of months, at two or three times a day. :icon_cry:

I'm always available to PM if it's anything you want to talk about.

Hugs,

Z

I wanna cry in relief partially cause I passed in a vid chat today and people complemented. I also want to cry cause of a crush I have. They are both driving me insane.

You look very passable in that pic, xen. I can see why it went so well for you. I'll never forget the first time I realized I passed in broad daylight on the street. I cried tears of joy and relief for an hour afterward. It was my first external confirmation that this whole thing could work after all.

I wish I would stop crying :(  I'm sick of crying.  It embarrasses me it tortures me.  How can you feel like a guy inside and yet cry more than most women.  There are times I cry daily, sometimes more than once in the day.  It's like am on this emotional edge, and I keep getting pushed and swinging off and on the edge.  And along with it my temper.  Over last week or 2 all I been able to do is snap at people and cry it seems. 

And other day I was distressed to realize that I hardly ever remember a time I wasn't suffering from at least mild depression, and I wonder sometimes if between that, and the time of month, and my tendency to try to do and worry about to many things at once, just gets to me.  Plus this stupid memory that seems to remember all the pain of the past and bring it up all at once.

Hi Aiden

Perhaps the fairy tale, "The Princess and the Pea," has a wee tad of validity here.  Might the pea be those things composed of those memories from the past?  If you have deep issues from your past that have not been dealt with, and all you do is just suppress them, they will float back to the surface eventually to haunt you once more.

Depression, pain, and emotionalism will keep coming back to haunt you and no amount of T will change that. What will change it is if you take each of those items from the past, one at at time, and deal with them. Make amends where ever necessary, even if you think that it should be the other person who is the one that should be making the amends. When you make amends, it is to clean your side of the street, not the other person's.  Then you may put these issues to rest once and for all.

Cindy

It's difficult to do that.  Especially when half the stuff that hurts you you don't remember till your upset.  And there are things, I don't know how you can amend...  things like this instinctive fear of my friends leaving me and not wanting to be around me because of how I am.  I wonder if it is because I've had friends leave me when my body changed to woman or something else.

Hi, Aiden, I know it's a very tricky situation when it comes to dealing with people. I know I pissed-off a lot of them in my earlier years, and even with the knowledge that I was the one that did the pissing-off I still made amends to them. It's not an easy thing to do. But you will be surprised as to how they react to your making amends with them. They know who was in the wrong so they will either be surprised or even very surprised at your making amends to them.

As for telling any one of your true gender identity, you will get a mixed bag of results. Actually, I was lucky. I never lost any friends, and gained some . Family? Well, I have always said family members are a fickle bunch. Who knows how they will react, but then, this is your life we are talking about and being true TS we suffer GID as a consequence. I had my psychiatrist question me on the first day I went to him and told him my plans.  I was dressed in the proper clothes for the gender my choice.  He asked me if I was certain if I wanted to do this. He reminded me that life is complicated and hard enough to navigate as it is, not to mention the potential dangers to my well-being.

I did not hesitate and I said, "yes!" "I want to be Cindy." Here it is 8 years later and I am still Cindy and I have no plans of quitting on her any time soon.

So, hon, just put a note pad on your dresser or keep it in your pocket or backpack and when something hurtful floats up to your conscious mind write it down. Make a list. It might just be that many of the hurts you have noted where amends can not be done in person, otherwise, they may be released simply by making a note on a piece of paper then burning it in an ashtray.

Cindy         

Yeh.  Friends already know, but I seem to be to dang sensitive.  I'm on edge still or something.  They tell me they are cool with it and that they accept me, but I dono, it's like I have a hard time believing it.

The only way to find out is to spend some time with your friends. Simply talk with them about anything you desire and feel them out as to what extent they are willing to go in their interest in talking to you. Eventually you will know who you can talk to about your emotional matters.

For me to share emotions was quite an achievement because for a good many years I repressed them, having come from a a dysfunctional past. I would spend much of my time inside my mind, escaping from reality and creating my own private world within.

So when I came out as Cindy it was such a reprieve to be able to cry on a caring friend's shoulder, releasing much hurt that had accumulated within for so many years. Crying had been foreign experience to me, but it was such a healing elixir for me. I had never known anyone before who would even talk to me, let alone give emotional support. But then, everything in transitioning is not only negative experiences but it also is composed of many wonderful discoveries I had never before experienced.

I believe crying is a wonderful release but if the crying is because of hurting inside then you need to examine what is inside that is causing the hurting. Please do continue to share with me hon, maybe I can help and maybe I can't then maybe all I can do is patiently and interestedly listen.

You may PM me if you wish but perhaps there may be those here who wish to throw their 2 cents' in.

Cindy   

My problem is not really not talking to people so much as it is finding someone who actually listens without jumping to conclusions 5 words in.  Or finding someone who doesn't claim to understand when they actually don't and are not really trying.  Or even just finding someone who actually cares and doesn't insult me or criticize everything I do. 

So yeh, if I feel I trust someone (who I tend to be to trusting of people sometimes) I will talk to them.  But same time I have this underlining worry that they will be just like the other people who I discribed above.   And still even after talking about it, I don't know why but it still bothers me.

Quote from: deviousxen on August 25, 2008, 02:05:11 AMI wanna cry in relief partially cause I passed in a vid chat today and people complemented. I also want to cry cause of a crush I have. They are both driving me insane.

Heyyy. New avatar? :)

---

I cried a lot today. Why? Because I'm really moody. My dad... whenever I say something that is "exaggerated," he says, "That's the BPD talking." I know I told him to tell me when I'm being over the top, but... every time someone says the word "BPD" I want to punch something. BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder, and my parents are certain I have it. That fact makes my life sometimes a living hell. First, they seem more focused on the BPD than my transition. They read books about it and try to use the little "techniques" in the books-- nothing's helping. I keep trying to tell them that I don't think it's BPD at all. I have a lot of baggage. I'm under a lot of stress. I did grow up with a BPD mother. All of these factors can make a person unstable, but not necessarily BPD. I feel that I am moody to the extent that is normal for a teenager that's lived in an abusive environment for many years. I've got my baggage.

It's hard. I really want to express my true feelings to my dad. But I can't necessarily. Every time I try to tell someone close to me how I feel, it feels like they're half listening. "But she really is just a confused girl," they might think in the back of their mind. My dad and step mom completely respect my gender identity. They have given NO indication that they don't. But I still can't help but feel insecure. They accepted it almost too easily. Did I mention they're like super geniuses?

Not really. But they're both very smart and my dad can often be quite manipulative. I know this, so I often wonder if their support is a way of reverse psychology. Maybe I'll share these feelings with my dad; I'm starting to get paranoid over this.

They were a little shocked when I came home from Walgreens with 12 razors and aftershave. My dad said, "How long have you been doing this?" I said, about a month. He was like, "Have you cut yourself?" I said, no, it's not much different than shaving my legs. He said most guys when they start cut their zits. He was very surprised that I've only had little tics here and there.

But yeah. I cried a lot today. I felt like crying for 5 hours. That's right. 5. It was since my dad and I had a small argument. It was something stupid. Most arguments are. I left the house and went on a walk. I say on a park bench and cried. I didn't care who saw me. But then I noticed a guy in a red pick up truck. He stared at me for well over an hour. So I decided to leave. I was afraid he was some sort of predator. My mother's gotten me paranoid about that. Then I went over to a sidewalk about a block from our house. I laid there for about another hour. People who walked by stared. They knew something was wrong, but put it in the "not my problem" box. And I was happy that no one said, "WHAT'S WRONG?" I wouldn't have had anything to say.

What kept echoing in my head was, "I'm sick of being a label to you, dad. Your obsessing over the BPD is making things much harder for me. I want that word out of this house. I am sick of hearing it and sick of it being the focus of you two. I want that to just go away. Notice every time you mention it things only get worse? It's not BPD if you have to say the magic word every time to make it happen."

This "BPD" nonsense represents my greatest fear. That I will have some sort of mental illness that will make my transition impossible. That the doctors will say, "BPD? Bitchy Pussy Disorder? Sorry, we can't give you testosterone. You're a bitch."

Quote from: Elwood on August 25, 2008, 07:37:15 PM

Quote from: deviousxen on August 25, 2008, 02:05:11 AMI wanna cry in relief partially cause I passed in a vid chat today and people complemented. I also want to cry cause of a crush I have. They are both driving me insane.

Heyyy. New avatar? :)

---

I cried a lot today. Why? Because I'm really moody. My dad... whenever I say something that is "exaggerated," he says, "That's the BPD talking." I know I told him to tell me when I'm being over the top, but... every time someone says the word "BPD" I want to punch something. BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder, and my parents are certain I have it. That fact makes my life sometimes a living hell. First, they seem more focused on the BPD than my transition. They read books about it and try to use the little "techniques" in the books-- nothing's helping. I keep trying to tell them that I don't think it's BPD at all. I have a lot of baggage. I'm under a lot of stress. I did grow up with a BPD mother. All of these factors can make a person unstable, but not necessarily BPD. I feel that I am moody to the extent that is normal for a teenager that's lived in an abusive environment for many years. I've got my baggage.

It's hard. I really want to express my true feelings to my dad. But I can't necessarily. Every time I try to tell someone close to me how I feel, it feels like they're half listening. "But she really is just a confused girl," they might think in the back of their mind. My dad and step mom completely respect my gender identity. They have given NO indication that they don't. But I still can't help but feel insecure. They accepted it almost too easily. Did I mention they're like super geniuses?

Not really. But they're both very smart and my dad can often be quite manipulative. I know this, so I often wonder if their support is a way of reverse psychology. Maybe I'll share these feelings with my dad; I'm starting to get paranoid over this.

They were a little shocked when I came home from Walgreens with 12 razors and aftershave. My dad said, "How long have you been doing this?" I said, about a month. He was like, "Have you cut yourself?" I said, no, it's not much different than shaving my legs. He said most guys when they start cut their zits. He was very surprised that I've only had little tics here and there.

But yeah. I cried a lot today. I felt like crying for 5 hours. That's right. 5. It was since my dad and I had a small argument. It was something stupid. Most arguments are. I left the house and went on a walk. I say on a park bench and cried. I didn't care who saw me. But then I noticed a guy in a red pick up truck. He stared at me for well over an hour. So I decided to leave. I was afraid he was some sort of predator. My mother's gotten me paranoid about that. Then I went over to a sidewalk about a block from our house. I laid there for about another hour. People who walked by stared. They knew something was wrong, but put it in the "not my problem" box. And I was happy that no one said, "WHAT'S WRONG?" I wouldn't have had anything to say.

What kept echoing in my head was, "I'm sick of being a label to you, dad. Your obsessing over the BPD is making things much harder for me. I want that word out of this house. I am sick of hearing it and sick of it being the focus of you two. I want that to just go away. Notice every time you mention it things only get worse? It's not BPD if you have to say the magic word every time to make it happen."

This "BPD" nonsense represents my greatest fear. That I will have some sort of mental illness that will make my transition impossible. That the doctors will say, "BPD? Bitchy Pussy Disorder? Sorry, we can't give you testosterone. You're a bitch."

Aye.  It was my mom who did the 'Did you take your medican' every time I was upset that pissed me off.  And my father who basically just said, 'your never going make it in the world like this.  You need to toughen up.'  and I know that, yet he still says it and it pisses me off because I'm trying dang hard to improve to do better and all he can do is make me feel like crap because I can't seem to get over this weakness.  Oh and their deal where they tell me I get upset over nothing.  That I get stressed getting out of bed.  They have no clue what I go through, how much of their crap and other stuff builds up inside of me and refuses to leave and boils and boils till I explode, which unfortunantly is often.   

Or how much I worry about failure, because it's been ingrained in me that failure is not an option.  Failure is punishable.  Failure will get you no where.  Failure means they will continue to barge me because I haven't succeeded yet.  And every time I cry I have failed.  Every time I snap at someone, I have failed.  I feel dirty, like crap, and I often worry that I have hurt someone.  I mean I've hurt people in past without intending to because upset, how do I know if I haven't done it again?

First of all... Thanks... Means a lot. :)

Second... I know exactly where you're coming from. Everyones perspective is that Im a guy wanting to be a girl, and I DON'T WANNA EFFING DO THIS, I HAVE TO!!!!! BIG DIFFERENCE. Ugh...

My dad now chainsmokes all the time, and the look on my moms face when I walked down in this little get up was somewhere between amusing to me, and terrible.

My mom starts a fight with me at every point, cause she's a belligerent retard with more Testosterone than I'll EVER have. She took offense to me not loving some girl pjs she got me. I left them on the couch, but I said thanks to her. It was apparently a personal offense to her to not want to be 100 percent feminine. I'm sorry if I don't want my clothes to make me look like little Ms. Princess, and I'm sorry if I don't want to be your "Handsome son".

UGHHHH. I hate it. My mom started a fight with me cause I told her I went to a hookah bar once, and now she thinks I'll be a chainsmoking moron like my dad is right now. He smokes more than a pack of cigars a day, and inhales them. He's also older, and much more at risk for cancer and stuff. STUPID. My mom thought I had no right to speak for smoking cloves once, and hookahing every six months or so. I told her I knew it was bad, but I also said I wasn't chainsmoking 24/7, and she couldn't understand what I meant by, "Some tobacco is bad, other tobacco is TERRIBLE."

Cause its true. 1 Cigarette wont kill me. Takes a minute off my life, but whatever? I don't care about my old age. I need some stupid fun sometimes. I've already gotten addicted to pipe tobacco before transitioning, and I stopped. Why? Cause my will is stronger. I don't think it solves problems for me, and that motivates me to stop.

I'm no straight edge at all... But I don't have time or money for anything, and my dad Isn't doing it to enjoy it and celebrate, he's doing it cause his sons, "Dying." and the girlfriend he cheats on my mom with had her family find out. Oh no! That would have NEVER HAPPENED.

Consequences...


Geeze.

But anyway. About my parents. Another thing. Meds...

My Dad effed it all up. He's bipolar. He's the worst kind. He's had two episodes that ruined my family, along with my mom being stupid. I still love him and forgive him, but forgetting is hard when all my college money is basically gone. -_-. Welcome to non credit courses and getting a TASTE of college versus the real thing when you're the most thirsty for it.

So there is a high chance of inheriting bipolar disorder. My stupid mom thinks my mood swings, that SHE causes when she starts something with me, are an indicator of being bipolar. She knows I don't want to be and I'm also not. I was on SSRIs for SO LONG and got no episodes out of it. I actually had to stop taking them cause my muse was being smothered by pillows.

So one year. The year I was mostly questioning reality, and a bit of why I wished I were a girl, she and dad forced me to take Pills. Trileptal. I told them, and that STUPID HICK Dr. Galilee, that I wasn't bipolar. The stupid man put me on it cause he thought he'd rather not get sued than put me on what I really needed, which were antidepressants. He'd ask me irrelevant bull like, "Do you like the blues music? I have a feeling you would." and I'd be like, "That has... Nothing to do with this? You IDIOT?"
So my mom would revoke privileges and punish me for not taking the meds, which muted reality and made me somnolent and insane for a whole year. He finally changed the meds and I asked, "What are the side effects?"
And he shrugged and said 1/1000 will get a rash.
I came in the next time after betting him I had bad luck, "Hey. Look doc."
And I showed him the rash on my butt.

Finally my mom was like, "No more meds!!!!!!1111"

So my muse kinda came back and I was alive again. SHE TOOK A WHOLE YEAR AWAY FROM ME. I became a caffeine addict cause of it and ever since have felt even worst existentially. My breasts tie me down cause they indicate that I'm what I need to be. They're the only purely female thing on me, and it helps. Thank goodness for that.

But she then pulled a 360 on all psychiatrics. So at the start of this year, when my depression came back and ruined my chances for getting my portfolio good for financial aid at art school (later a pointless venture anyway, cause the FAFSAs were impossible), and my friend died, I NEEDED them. I didn't want to be on them. I needed my brain to reset though for its own good. Mom fought me at every point of that, and it was when I was yelling at her to help me with my gender and the GI Clinic of New England told her some stupid info about being 22 and older and she took it to heart assuming I was a fool thinking I could solve the roots of my depression by mourning my friend correctly, and being what I needed to be, which was a girl.

Nothing. FINALLY she took me to the shrink, and I got another idiot I wasted time on. So the delay killed me. Then she told them I was bipolar right before they could give me what I needed, and they were like, "OH MOOD STABILIZER BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE"

and

"SOLVE YOUR PSyCHIATRIC ISSUES BEFORE YOUR GENDER."

And you know what?
They delayed me, and they ruined me, and they took time away I'll never forgive them for. Mom does not know best, doctors don't either just cause of a degree, and no one can tell me what I'm feeling unless they give me a lobotomy. I get depressed, and there are legitimate reasons.

And I'm EXACTLY where I wanted to be anyway. I had to self medicate and risk things, but you know what?

I win. And to hell with all of those who thought they could "help" me on their terms.

I'm now on prescription hormones, and a better kind as well. I'm on and off with my mood, but whatever. I need will and friends and art and sleep. Thats all.

So I know exactly where you are coming from with parents being in the way when they try to help. NEVER take anyones advice without a heaping amount of salt. Humans are ALL fallible. ALL of them. It doesn't matter if your genetics are the same as them. Meaninglessness....


-Xen

Quote from: Elwood on August 25, 2008, 07:37:15 PM

Quote from: deviousxen on August 25, 2008, 02:05:11 AMI wanna cry in relief partially cause I passed in a vid chat today and people complemented. I also want to cry cause of a crush I have. They are both driving me insane.

Heyyy. New avatar? :)

---

I cried a lot today. Why? Because I'm really moody. My dad... whenever I say something that is "exaggerated," he says, "That's the BPD talking." I know I told him to tell me when I'm being over the top, but... every time someone says the word "BPD" I want to punch something. BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder, and my parents are certain I have it. That fact makes my life sometimes a living hell. First, they seem more focused on the BPD than my transition. They read books about it and try to use the little "techniques" in the books-- nothing's helping. I keep trying to tell them that I don't think it's BPD at all. I have a lot of baggage. I'm under a lot of stress. I did grow up with a BPD mother. All of these factors can make a person unstable, but not necessarily BPD. I feel that I am moody to the extent that is normal for a teenager that's lived in an abusive environment for many years. I've got my baggage.

It's hard. I really want to express my true feelings to my dad. But I can't necessarily. Every time I try to tell someone close to me how I feel, it feels like they're half listening. "But she really is just a confused girl," they might think in the back of their mind. My dad and step mom completely respect my gender identity. They have given NO indication that they don't. But I still can't help but feel insecure. They accepted it almost too easily. Did I mention they're like super geniuses?

Not really. But they're both very smart and my dad can often be quite manipulative. I know this, so I often wonder if their support is a way of reverse psychology. Maybe I'll share these feelings with my dad; I'm starting to get paranoid over this.

They were a little shocked when I came home from Walgreens with 12 razors and aftershave. My dad said, "How long have you been doing this?" I said, about a month. He was like, "Have you cut yourself?" I said, no, it's not much different than shaving my legs. He said most guys when they start cut their zits. He was very surprised that I've only had little tics here and there.

But yeah. I cried a lot today. I felt like crying for 5 hours. That's right. 5. It was since my dad and I had a small argument. It was something stupid. Most arguments are. I left the house and went on a walk. I say on a park bench and cried. I didn't care who saw me. But then I noticed a guy in a red pick up truck. He stared at me for well over an hour. So I decided to leave. I was afraid he was some sort of predator. My mother's gotten me paranoid about that. Then I went over to a sidewalk about a block from our house. I laid there for about another hour. People who walked by stared. They knew something was wrong, but put it in the "not my problem" box. And I was happy that no one said, "WHAT'S WRONG?" I wouldn't have had anything to say.

What kept echoing in my head was, "I'm sick of being a label to you, dad. Your obsessing over the BPD is making things much harder for me. I want that word out of this house. I am sick of hearing it and sick of it being the focus of you two. I want that to just go away. Notice every time you mention it things only get worse? It's not BPD if you have to say the magic word every time to make it happen."

This "BPD" nonsense represents my greatest fear. That I will have some sort of mental illness that will make my transition impossible. That the doctors will say, "BPD? Bitchy Pussy Disorder? Sorry, we can't give you testosterone. You're a bitch."

Hi, Deviousxen, been a while since we crossed paths.

I haven't a clue as to why or how I ended up on this thread but it is certainly a learning experience if nothing else. Yes, all humans are fallible and it doesn't matter if it's the smartest person in the world or the town drunk sitting on the town bench over there. Well let me tell ya something, Billy the bum sitting right there next to the town drunk, he is a philosopher, don't you know. That was why he lost in life in spite of his Ph.D. degree; thought he was smarter than everyone else. 

The only way you can learn what is right or wrong is to say a prayer then dive into the pool of doubt and, after many lumps on the head from running into the corners of the pool often enough, one learns instinctively what is right or wrong. Then we try again with the new knowledge acquired from all those bumps on the head. You will find that the bumps will happen less often as you go.

One last little piece of advice: trust more on your own instincts in deducing what is best for you and less on the parents.

Cindy

     

Hello, Devious, Elwood, and Aiden,

I am not an expert in psychiatry or any such thing but I know something about what approaches to a problem can work.  You three have found one of the most useful there is:  peer support.

There are no easy solutions to dealing with transsexualism and how it affects others in our lives.  There are only informed, intelligent decisions on how to handle it, and it seems to me that you are on your way to doing that.  The most useful help I ever had when I was your age (I am now 57) was from the same place you are now finding it, that is, from your friends, both in this group and those you see every day.

Seldom does a child ever do as their parents expect.  I didn't. 

My mother was a royal pain-in-the-ass with her expectations of how I should live my life.  It was as though she was living hers through me, vicariously.  She wanted me to learn to play the piano that was bought for my older sister.  I didn't want to play the piano and the teacher had horrible breath so I avoided the lessons.  None of the other kids, not even my pain-in-the-ass older sister, were saddled with piano lessons.  (My older sister and her pain-in-the-ass husband taught where I went to high school.  That is how much of a pain in my ass they both were.  My dad was cool enough to stay out of the fray.)

My mother made the little dating I did a pure, living hell.  I had to buy into the gender role lie back then.  In 1968/1969 the cure for transsexuality was a good physical beating to change one's mind, usually administered by some guys who also rolled gays, or whoever was around when you tried to touch your dream by whatever way you could.  She figured that no girl was good enough for me.  Translation from her language of vicariously making my life a mess is that no girl was good enough for her.

So what did she want?  That I should qualify for a full university scholarship.  That I should study chemistry and go to work for Sun Oil in Philadelphia.  That I should marry into money.  And that I should make her feel like a queen in the way she understood best, through paper money and paper degrees.  "Look at the brilliant, rich son of mine and his royal wife."  Yeah, right.  She would have had a double litter of kittens had she been sure that I was born with Gender Identity Disorder.

But I digress...

I made my decision to leave home and join the military in 1970 and take my life back.  I realize that is not an option for any of you.  Times are quite different and such a thing is not necessary.

During all of my life, the good times and the bad, I shared my problems with my friends.  They frosted my ass at times, made jokes about the mess I was in, but they never failed to help me by listening and sharing their thoughts and advice with me.  When things got their worst my friends were at their best.  My oldest, dearest friend is also 57 and we have been friends since we were five years old.  He was the first to know when I decided to transition. 

This is all that I can offer you, something that you already know, that the best counsel originates among friends.

May all of you be help to each other, now and for a long time to come.

Wing Walker
Never Flew Alone

Thanks Walker.  And yeh there are times I wish I could hang with some of my friends more often.  Though there are times it probably best we didn't.  I usually only get to hang around most of then about once or twice a month, except of course the one I work with lol

But I dono sometimes it's fun sometimes we are snapping at each other.  And I keep making stupid mistakes that just make it worse.

Quote from: Wing Walker on August 26, 2008, 03:35:23 AM
Hello, Devious, Elwood, and Aiden,

I am not an expert in psychiatry or any such thing but I know something about what approaches to a problem can work.  You three have found one of the most useful there is:  peer support.

There are no easy solutions to dealing with transsexualism and how it affects others in our lives.  There are only informed, intelligent decisions on how to handle it, and it seems to me that you are on your way to doing that.  The most useful help I ever had when I was your age (I am now 57) was from the same place you are now finding it, that is, from your friends, both in this group and those you see every day.

Seldom does a child ever do as their parents expect.  I didn't. 

My mother was a royal pain-in-the-ass with her expectations of how I should live my life.  It was as though she was living hers through me, vicariously.  She wanted me to learn to play the piano that was bought for my older sister.  I didn't want to play the piano and the teacher had horrible breath so I avoided the lessons.  None of the other kids, not even my pain-in-the-ass older sister, were saddled with piano lessons.  (My older sister and her pain-in-the-ass husband taught where I went to high school.  That is how much of a pain in my ass they both were.  My dad was cool enough to stay out of the fray.)

My mother made the little dating I did a pure, living hell.  I had to buy into the gender role lie back then.  In 1968/1969 the cure for transsexuality was a good physical beating to change one's mind, usually administered by some guys who also rolled gays, or whoever was around when you tried to touch your dream by whatever way you could.  She figured that no girl was good enough for me.  Translation from her language of vicariously making my life a mess is that no girl was good enough for her.

So what did she want?  That I should qualify for a full university scholarship.  That I should study chemistry and go to work for Sun Oil in Philadelphia.  That I should marry into money.  And that I should make her feel like a queen in the way she understood best, through paper money and paper degrees.  "Look at the brilliant, rich son of mine and his royal wife."  Yeah, right.  She would have had a double litter of kittens had she been sure that I was born with Gender Identity Disorder.

But I digress...

I made my decision to leave home and join the military in 1970 and take my life back.  I realize that is not an option for any of you.  Times are quite different and such a thing is not necessary.

During all of my life, the good times and the bad, I shared my problems with my friends.  They frosted my ass at times, made jokes about the mess I was in, but they never failed to help me by listening and sharing their thoughts and advice with me.  When things got their worst my friends were at their best.  My oldest, dearest friend is also 57 and we have been friends since we were five years old.  He was the first to know when I decided to transition. 

This is all that I can offer you, something that you already know, that the best counsel originates among friends.

May all of you be help to each other, now and for a long time to come.

Wing Walker
Never Flew Alone

Only problem there is that my friends are rarely physically around. I can't blame them, cause they need to get their careers in order and take care of what they need to do. I mean... Everyones packing and preparing for college again, so drats.

As for the friends who aren't always in college, they all live WAY away from me. I'm moving soon and I'll be less alone cause I'll be taking classes of what I've wanted to take forever. However, the chances of me finding a REALLY good friend when I may or may not be presenting fully as a female at school don't seem amazing to me. And making a new friend who was there and around would make me feel better, but I also would feel bad cause I'd be devoting less time to the friends I already have and care about. I mean... If they could they'd be around me all the time, I'm sure, but they all live hundreds or thousands of miles away. -_-

For me, I didn't cry for years...until I came out.  I cried for an hour or two at that point, just letting out years of tears.  From that point on, I would have frequent crying sessions (which became more frequent with HRT).  Now I don't cry all that often.  Maybe just every once in a while and that's usually if I'm upset about something.  Maybe I'm not being completely honest with myself and I cry more often than I admit, but it's nowhere as bad as it used to be (at least once a week).  Perhaps it's because I'm on antidepressants.

Only problem there is that my friends are rarely physically around. I can't blame them, cause they need to get their careers in order and take care of what they need to do. I mean... Everyones packing and preparing for college again, so drats.

As for the friends who aren't always in college, they all live WAY away from me. I'm moving soon and I'll be less alone cause I'll be taking classes of what I've wanted to take forever. However, the chances of me finding a REALLY good friend when I may or may not be presenting fully as a female at school don't seem amazing to me. And making a new friend who was there and around would make me feel better, but I also would feel bad cause I'd be devoting less time to the friends I already have and care about. I mean... If they could they'd be around me all the time, I'm sure, but they all live hundreds or thousands of miles away. -_-
[/quote]

Hi, Xen,

I see your problem with friends.  I believe that it will not persist.  Finding new friends that you can trust will take some time, but they're out there.  You already know this and I am merely affirming it.

You do have people here whom you have never met and yet they care about you.  Hang onto these friends for as long as you can by staying in contact in these forums.  FWIW, I will be here for postings and pm.

Wing Walker

Hi Melissa, hon I never bothered to count the times I cry but I do quite agree that my first and deepest heartfelt cry I had was the day before I came out full time, like someone I knew had died and then reborn as me all at one time, yea it was weird but it was also so relieving, the decision had been mad and there was no looking back.

I still sometimes cry for what ever reason, a certain song on the radio, something I read in the paper, or hear about, I have always been a caring person caring for others so that when one stubs their toe I cry.  ;D

I also want to share something here that I got from a friend this morning that did bring tears to my eyes.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2Fcry1.gif&hash=c9327e28eb046f25c3ae1ca8bfcc4d3884427fdb)

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked,

"God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said:

"When I made the woman she had to be special."

"I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,

yet gentle enough to give comfort."

"I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children."

"I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining."

"I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly."

""I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

"I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly."

"And finally, I gave her a tear to shed." "This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"That tear holds more then men could understand."

" If a man was to shed her tear it

would look enormous."  

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2Fcry2.jpg&hash=3a904933ff3a1f5f5bfa9f566742dd0ae04c161e)

"For a woman's tear is full of unconditional love, power,sacrifice,beauty,pain,and compassion."

"All ten fold of what a Man is able to feel."

"And that is my son, why I made her as close to being Supernatural."

"She's my gift to the world she's an Angel on Earth. "

"Love her and praise her for there will be no other here on Earth that will Love you like I do then your Mother."
"You see my son," said God, "The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair."

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."   


(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi11.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fa191%2Fcynthiag932%2Fcry3.gif&hash=d468a2ba35055655e202a301cb79e23c0249a67a)

Love
Cindy





 

Quote from: Aiden on August 25, 2008, 07:52:40 PMAye.  It was my mom who did the 'Did you take your medican' every time I was upset that pissed me off.  And my father who basically just said, 'your never going make it in the world like this.  You need to toughen up.'  and I know that, yet he still says it and it pisses me off because I'm trying dang hard to improve to do better and all he can do is make me feel like crap because I can't seem to get over this weakness.  Oh and their deal where they tell me I get upset over nothing.  That I get stressed getting out of bed.  They have no clue what I go through, how much of their crap and other stuff builds up inside of me and refuses to leave and boils and boils till I explode, which unfortunantly is often.   

Or how much I worry about failure, because it's been ingrained in me that failure is not an option.  Failure is punishable.  Failure will get you no where.  Failure means they will continue to barge me because I haven't succeeded yet.  And every time I cry I have failed.  Every time I snap at someone, I have failed.  I feel dirty, like crap, and I often worry that I have hurt someone.  I mean I've hurt people in past without intending to because upset, how do I know if I haven't done it again?

Exactly. Every time I'm upset, I'm "ill." There's no such thing as just being upset. I'm in a really tough situation. We all are. Cisgendered people don't seem to get that.

I wouldn't say I'm as angry or moody as your situation sounds like, but the few times I am emotional I get a lot of crap for it.

Posted on: August 26, 2008, 03:40:27 PM

---

Quote from: deviousxen on August 26, 2008, 01:56:59 AM"SOLVE YOUR PSyCHIATRIC ISSUES BEFORE YOUR GENDER."

And you know what?
They delayed me, and they ruined me, and they took time away I'll never forgive them for. Mom does not know best, doctors don't either just cause of a degree, and no one can tell me what I'm feeling unless they give me a lobotomy. I get depressed, and there are legitimate reasons.

That's what I'm afraid could happen to me. And I completely agree with the last part. I am depressed because I hate my body. Everything about it. How I'm so short, how I keep loosing weight instead of gaining, these damn breasts, my period, I'm so weak... all of those things add up and make me really hate my existence and dread my life. I am not some mentally ill lunatic. Anyone who was struggling this much with their body would feel the same. Take fat people for instance. They can't stop eating, can't build the strength to exercise, and they just keep getting fatter. Of COURSE they're depressed!

Posted on: August 26, 2008, 03:44:04 PM

---

Quote from: Wing Walker on August 26, 2008, 03:35:23 AMHello, Devious, Elwood, and Aiden,

I am not an expert in psychiatry or any such thing but I know something about what approaches to a problem can work.  You three have found one of the most useful there is:  peer support.

Yeah. For anyone who is in my area, I'm a member of Positive Images (http://www.posimages.org). They're a LGBTQQI group, generally acknowledging everyone in the group, but 2 Tuesdays a month they have a trans group.

Quote from: Wing Walker on August 26, 2008, 03:35:23 AMSeldom does a child ever do as their parents expect.  I didn't.

Until now, I always was the perfect kid. I've been a virgin. Never made out. Never did drugs. Never stayed out late. Never got drunk. Never smoked. Never left the house unexpectedly. Never hung around the "wrong crowd." Being a transsexual is my first act of "rebellion." For the first time in my life I said, "No, mom. This is how it is." I'm 18 years old. Most kids rebel when they're much younger, in the tweens.

Quote from: Wing Walker on August 26, 2008, 03:35:23 AMMy mother made the little dating I did a pure, living hell.  I had to buy into the gender role lie back then.  In 1968/1969 the cure for transsexuality was a good physical beating to change one's mind, usually administered by some guys who also rolled gays, or whoever was around when you tried to touch your dream by whatever way you could.  She figured that no girl was good enough for me.  Translation from her language of vicariously making my life a mess is that no girl was good enough for her.

Ah, they tried to "spank the gay" out of you? I told my parents straight up that they could beat me to a pulp and that wouldn't make me a girl...

Posted on: August 26, 2008, 03:49:46 PM

---

I am in the same position as Xen. My close friends live 500 miles south of here. I moved. D:

Positive Images eh?

I'm gonna look for a support group where I'm moving in Providence... True...


And awww...

I'd totally chill with you if I could, lol...

Quote from: deviousxen on August 26, 2008, 06:11:24 PMPositive Images eh?

I'm gonna look for a support group where I'm moving in Providence... True...


And awww...

I'd totally chill with you if I could, lol...

Yep. They're great.

If we lived in the same area, I'd so hang out with you. -sigh- Not many transgirls in my area. I like to talk to transgirls more than I like to talk to transguys because transgirls don't intimate me with overcompensation like the transguys often do. Transgirls seem to listen more and put on less of a show, in my experience. I feel really comfortable with them. Then again, I feel more comfortable around girls in general.  :P Something about guys always makes me feel a little intimidated...

Thats an odd thought, but I understand...

I listen when I can I suppose. I actually get drunk with people not for sex, but for secrets, lol. I guess thats my difference with dudes...

Quote from: Elwood on August 26, 2008, 06:23:42 PM

Quote from: deviousxen on August 26, 2008, 06:11:24 PMPositive Images eh?

I'm gonna look for a support group where I'm moving in Providence... True...


And awww...

I'd totally chill with you if I could, lol...

Yep. They're great.

If we lived in the same area, I'd so hang out with you. -sigh- Not many transgirls in my area. I like to talk to transgirls more than I like to talk to transguys because transgirls don't intimate me with overcompensation like the transguys often do. Transgirls seem to listen more and put on less of a show, in my experience. I feel really comfortable with them. Then again, I feel more comfortable around girls in general.  :P Something about guys always makes me feel a little intimidated...

Living in a small town, I had never met a trans guy before, for that matter there were no trans girls around either. As  a social worker I did spend more time with women and felt more comfortable talking with them although on the job I treated both equally in accordance to their gender.

The first time I met a trans guy was when Wing Walker and I went to a trans meeting here in Vancouver. I hadn't been involved with anything trans for the past 6 years and I was looking for some way I could be of assistance or of any kind of service to the trans community, and that we are still working on. This was where I met for the first time, two very nice trans gents. I found them to be the most gracious and likable guys I ever worked with. But then I have always been a people person and being trans never slowed me down any from loving to be with people.

Cindy 

Grew up in a town that there basically was no such thing as transgender.  Moving here, I've met a few here and there but none have really been able to talk to.

Quote from: Zythyra on August 24, 2008, 12:08:35 PM

Quote from: The Elf's Miss Lisbeff on August 24, 2008, 11:21:19 AM
I've been crying a lot in the last couple of months, at two or three times a day. :icon_cry:

I'm always available to PM if it's anything you want to talk about.

Hugs,

Z

I know. Nothing will help.

Quote
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked,

"God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said:

"When I made the woman she had to be special."

"I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,

yet gentle enough to give comfort."

"I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children."

"I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining."

"I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly."

""I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

"I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly."

"And finally, I gave her a tear to shed." "This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"That tear holds more then men could understand."

" If a man was to shed her tear it would look enormous."

"For a woman's tear is full of unconditional love, power,sacrifice,beauty,pain,and compassion."

"All ten fold of what a Man is able to feel."

"And that is my son, why I made her as close to being Supernatural."

"She's my gift to the world she's an Angel on Earth. "

"Love her and praise her for there will be no other here on Earth that will Love you like I do then your Mother."

"You see my son," said God, "The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair."

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

I've had to think about this one for while.

I think I understand the message behind it, but it strikes me as misandronistic, reinforcing of gender roles/stereotypes, reinforcing of gender binaries, and suggestive of a simple-minded God. I've met men who would weep openly and women who wouldn't shed tears if you'd paid them. Being taught growing up that God is omniscient, it seems to me that God would not offer an answer so limited in scope.

But, that's just my $.02 here. Overall, I think I understand what this is trying to say: beauty lies within. This text just seems sexist to me, that's all.

I hope I haven't offended anyone by making these comments, as that certainly is not my intention. My intention is to simply offer my point of view.

Peace.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fd.yimg.com%2Fus.yimg.com%2Fp%2Fuc%2F20080829%2Flfb080830.gif&hash=c6d63a006c215c09b8724b6874e5fd9c841d9bfd)

*tears of longing*

Lately I've not been crying as much, its down to a couple times a month now.

My tears still don't come out anymore...

I think I'm desensitized...

They are left on the verge, and then don't bother leaping out cause they are too apathetic.

For one Xen hon.

#1 I believe that maybe you want to drop what the parents feel and think, especially the negative stuff. You should be concentrating on what your desires and needs are and what you need to do to resolve or attain them.

#2 You need to begin thinking about Xen. I believe that in order for you to come into your true self there are many pieces of the old personality, attitudes, and perceptions that will need to be recalibrated or readjusted. Take a serious look as to how you wish to live your new life that lies ahead of you.

QuoteSecond... I know exactly where you're coming from. Everyones perspective is that Im a guy wanting to be a girl, and I DON'T WANNA EFFING DO THIS, I HAVE TO!!!!! BIG DIFFERENCE. Ugh...

#3Yes, this I quite agree with. This is probably the hardest part to decide on before starting transitioning.

Cindy

I cried last night, I was sobbing and my throat tightened up because I'm scared.  I'm scared of dating and trying to get into a romantic relationship with someone.  I don't know the first thing about dating or sex.  I don't know what the social cues are for dating; I'm not even sure how to go about it.   :-\

I'm terrified of becoming another victim in a long line of my sisters if I even attempt to have sex with someone.   :'(

And part of me thinks that my Orchi won't be enough, that other lesbians think I'm not one of them b/c I don't have a vagina, and that nobody will accept my anatomy.   :-\

So I cry.  :'( :'( :'(

Jenn

Quote from: fae_reborn on August 31, 2008, 10:50:20 AM
I cried last night, I was sobbing and my throat tightened up because I'm scared.  I'm scared of dating and trying to get into a romantic relationship with someone.  I don't know the first thing about dating or sex.  I don't know what the social cues are for dating; I'm not even sure how to go about it.   :-\

I'm terrified of becoming another victim in a long line of my sisters if I even attempt to have sex with someone.   :'(

And part of me thinks that my Orchi won't be enough, that other lesbians think I'm not one of them b/c I don't have a vagina, and that nobody will accept my anatomy.   :-\

So I cry.  :'( :'( :'(

Jenn

Oh sweety. Shhhhh.

((((((((((((((((((Fae))))))))))))))))))))

As the song says, you may be crying but you're certainly not crying alone. You've got your sisters here who care and understand.

Stealth

Quote from: Stealthgrrl on August 31, 2008, 11:33:29 AM
As the song says, you may be crying but you're certainly not crying alone. You've got your sisters here who care and understand.

I know sweetie, and I thank you but it just hurts so much.  I had a more in-depth post but nobody replied so I feel like I'm alone... :'(

Jenn

Quote from: fae_reborn on August 31, 2008, 11:37:12 AM
I know sweetie, and I thank you but it just hurts so much.  I had a more in-depth post but nobody replied so I feel like I'm alone... :'(

Jenn

Hugs Jenn!! There is someone out there who will be a very fortunate person to be partnered with you! :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:

Z

Quote from: Zythyra on August 31, 2008, 12:50:39 PM

Quote from: fae_reborn on August 31, 2008, 11:37:12 AM
I know sweetie, and I thank you but it just hurts so much.  I had a more in-depth post but nobody replied so I feel like I'm alone... :'(

Jenn

Hugs Jenn!! There is someone out there who will be a very fortunate person to be partnered with you! :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug:

Z

Thank you Z, I'm lucky to have sisters like you! :icon_hug:

Jenn

Hi Jenn hon
I am here as well if you should need me. This may not be what you want to hear but I beleive, and this is my thoughts and feelings on this only. If you are planing on going out with guys, that is fine and dandy, or if you are planing to go out with another female, like in a lesbian relationship, I would suggest that having the proper plumbing down there could greatly reduce any detrimental consequences to your being. I can only suggest you talk to your gender therapist. As for the dating scene hon, I believe there are a good many of the girls here who can give you some pointers when the time is right.

Cindy 

Quote from: fae_reborn on August 31, 2008, 10:50:20 AM
I cried last night, I was sobbing and my throat tightened up because I'm scared.  I'm scared of dating and trying to get into a romantic relationship with someone.  I don't know the first thing about dating or sex.  I don't know what the social cues are for dating; I'm not even sure how to go about it.   :-\

I'm terrified of becoming another victim in a long line of my sisters if I even attempt to have sex with someone.   :'(

And part of me thinks that my Orchi won't be enough, that other lesbians think I'm not one of them b/c I don't have a vagina, and that nobody will accept my anatomy.   :-\

So I cry.  :'( :'( :'(

Jenn

We're here with you.

Lane

Quote from: cindybc on August 31, 2008, 04:30:04 PM
Hi Jenn hon
I am here as well if you should need me. This may not be what you want to hear but I beleive, and this is my thoughts and feelings on this only. If you are planing on going out with guys, that is fine and dandy, or if you are planing to go out with another female, like in a lesbian relationship, I would suggest that having the proper plumbing down there could greatly reduce any detrimental consequences to your being. I can only suggest you talk to your gender therapist. As for the dating scene hon, I believe there are a good many of the girls here who can give you some pointers when the time is right.

Cindy 

Thank you Cindy for your support, but you're right that's not what I wanted to hear.  If you're inferring what I'm thinking, lemme just say that I can't afford and don't wish to have SRS to get the "proper" plumbing, whatever you mean by "proper," b/c it's too invasive and the procedure scares me too much.  I'm a woman with or without a vagina, and I won't have anyone tell me otherwise.  Sorry I'm not trying to be a bitch if I'm coming across that way, but that is how I feel.

Jenn

Hi Jenn, then there is not much more I can suggest to you and I pray you forgive me if I have offended you in any way, I have not meant to do so. All I can say is please be so very careful before making a decision on your choice of a partner.

Hon, I was scared to death of having SRS, like I mean sick to my stomach scared, but then I made up my mind just like I did when I decided to transition, I had little choice in the mater and once the decision was made there was no quiting. I can understand the fear of the surgery, that is only something you can come to terms with this. But your future life can be greatly altered by this decision, and as for a lack of funds I can understand how that can put a crimp on your plans as well. All I can say is be certain before you make a choice. I will send prayers that all goes well and as it should, and I will be around.

Cindy

I don't want to hijack the "Crying" thread, but Jenn clearly doesn't feel that she "has little choice." I admire her moxy. Haven't we all had enough of being defined, from birth, by what's between our legs? Does it make any sense at all to do that to ourselves as well?

Quote from: cindybc on August 31, 2008, 05:48:39 PM
I can understand the fear of the surgery, that is only something you can come to terms with this. But your future life can be greatly altered by this decision, and as for a lack of funds I can understand how that can put a crimp on your plans as well. All I can say is be certain before you make a choice.

I am certain that this Orchi is the right choice, and I'm sticking with my decision Cindy.  What I said earlier was simply my expression of fears regarding a possible partner accepting my body, not doubt about what surgeries I will/will not have.  I know my life can be greatly altered, and it will be altered in such a positive way with this Orchi.  Funding is not the only reason why I will not pursue SRS.  I've had one very invasive surgery in my life and it took months for me to recover, and scarred me for years during my adolescence; I won't undergo another invasive surgery.  The Orchi will be as far as I will go, and that in itself will be a big enough procedure, even though it is minor in a medical sense.

Frankly Cindy, I need to echo Stealth's remark.  And now I'm going to be a bitch: I'm not you, Cindy.  I'm not going to have SRS, and I don't need to defend my decision to you or anyone else.  I don't feel you're "suggesting" anything, I feel that you're forcing your views about the need for SRS, and the need to have a vagina to be a woman on me, in an effort to pressure me into it and that is uncalled for.  SRS is not the Holy Grail that I want.

Jenn

Quote from: fae_reborn on August 31, 2008, 04:42:28 PM

Quote from: cindybc on August 31, 2008, 04:30:04 PM
Hi Jenn hon
I am here as well if you should need me. This may not be what you want to hear but I beleive, and this is my thoughts and feelings on this only. If you are planing on going out with guys, that is fine and dandy, or if you are planing to go out with another female, like in a lesbian relationship, I would suggest that having the proper plumbing down there could greatly reduce any detrimental consequences to your being. I can only suggest you talk to your gender therapist. As for the dating scene hon, I believe there are a good many of the girls here who can give you some pointers when the time is right.

Cindy 

Thank you Cindy for your support, but you're right that's not what I wanted to hear.  If you're inferring what I'm thinking, lemme just say that I can't afford and don't wish to have SRS to get the "proper" plumbing, whatever you mean by "proper," b/c it's too invasive and the procedure scares me too much.  I'm a woman with or without a vagina, and I won't have anyone tell me otherwise.  Sorry I'm not trying to be a bitch if I'm coming across that way, but that is how I feel.

Jenn

:eusa_clap: TELL 'EM GIRL!

Hi Jenn, Sorry I never intended to impose any undesirable issues on anyone. I guess I really don't get the big picture, sorry. I will refrain from posting on the different gender variances on a grey scale, or any other related subjects. Least ways I will wait until I have a better understanding before jumping in. So I will keep my royal nosiness out of stuff I don't completely understand. Therefore I will cease and desist posting on this thread or any other threads with related topics. I will still send prayers that all goes well for you.

Cindy 

Sorry, I seem to make same mistake.  I get distracted and forget.  Thinking maybe i need take break from the forum.

Hope things get better for you

Hi Aiden, I agree, well at least maybe take a rest from here for a while.

Cindy

Not everyone is me. Period. And after a few years on this forum that should be evident to anyone who's been here for awhile. The better not to say anything at all policy works well if someone doesn't "get" what another is saying.

However one goes about his or her transition is a very personal and totally valid way to go about it. I don't have to live with their choices nor they mine. Period.

The desire for everyone else to "be like me to be valid" shows me to be lacking in my own sense of validity as simply me, imo.

Often it helps to actually have some knowledge of the person in question before I begin to give advice -- unless, of course, I am somehow psychic or prophetic and can "know" exactly where they are coming from by simply seeing a name and avatar on a post.

I cannot do that, perhaps others can.

Jenn has things that bother her, don't we all? If I approach her with "you should do it my way" then of course I am not concerned as much about her as I am about me.

I believe that's a lesson we could all try to carefully learn. No need to withdraw from the board or from anyone on the board. Just a need to try and find ways to understand that another isn't necessarily on the same road as myself. It can be done, even if I say his or her way isn't/or wasn't for me.

OK, that's my $.02.

Nichole

not sure who your talking to, I was saying perhaps I should withdraw because I can't seem to stay on topic anywhere and I'm so wrapped up in my own problems I have trouble realizing someone else is having problems as well.

I was talking about myself as you can see from the way the post is worded. If it touched anyone else I am sure it wasn't meant to do so. I often find that just using "i" and "me" instead of "you" "them" can be an effective way to have people know than can take or leave any advice of any way I personally might go about something.

Alden, I really don't think you are alone in having all sorts of personal things go on in your life. It would just be my guess that we all do. I know I do. Sometimes it's good for me just to bring them to the board and write about them, even if they don't apply to what someone else's problems are. :)

Try not to be too hard on yourself. This is the sort of time that can be very "distracting" for anyone from anyone else's main problems. :) You do just fine.

Nichole

Thanks.  don't think even saw the I's lol

Quote from: Ellie's Lisbeff on August 30, 2008, 08:16:42 AM

Quote from: Kristi on August 10, 2008, 07:00:37 PM
Sadly, for some of us in life situations that we cannot change, this sounds like a very peaceful option.

*nods* Yes, it does.  But try to think who in your life would be hurt by you being gone.  And then concentrate on what you can change instead of what you can't.

What do you do if your relationship falls apart on the one thing you can't change: the past?  *cries*