Poll
Question:
Would you tell your children if you were TG?
Option 1: I have children -Yes
Option 2: I have children - Maybe
Option 3: I have children - No
Option 4: I don't have children but if I did - Yes
Option 5: I don't have children but if I did - Maybe
Option 6: I don't have children but if I did - No
Hi All,
I have not told my children and it troubles me greatly.
The survey is broken into two parts. You can answer one section if you have children or the other section if you do not have children. (Significant others can answer in either section if desired.)
I am interested in what or how you told your children or how you avoided telling them.
............................
A little over one year ago I would have said no. In fact I would have said no to telling my wife. However this forum and a transgender conference convinced me to tell my wife. She seemed to accept me after she finally understood what I tried to tell her. (It took two tries and and a near divorce.) Once I told my wife I had every intention to tell my children. However my wife told me to not burden the children with my issues.
I do not want to burden the children with my issues but my behavior is beyond odd. I think it might be useful for them to understand my shortcomings as a dad. I do love them and I love my wife too.
My wife has requested that I keep my TG behavior to the bedroom and live as a male during the day. She accepts that I might not stop the hormones.
My youngest daughter that is currently 16 is the most suspicious. Her bedroom is next to her parents and she hears our conversations. She asks questions like, "Who is Keri?" She tells my wife, "My husband Keri." (She was referring to the book "My husband Betty" by Helen Boyd on my nightstand.) My wife addresses me and writes me notes as Keri in private.
The other night my daughter came up to me and pulled my two shirts away from my body and told me my neck has sun damage. She did this on the front side and then the back side of my shirts. I told this to my wife and she thought that was funny. (I wear a cotton sports bra, covered by an undershirt, which is covered by a button down shirt every single day.)
My daughter also asks why daddy's muscles are like mommy's muscles? (I was overweight and very muscular not too long ago.)
She quizzes me what I put in my hair and why do I eat handfuls of pills every day. (I eat lots of vitamins!)
She also is very suspicious of why I wanted to help her MTF friend at school. (Her friend had a BA, lives and dresses as a girl, and does not take hormones because she is only 16. Ah the story is complicated.)
I will certainly try to reenter society as a male. I currently have no plans to stop what I am doing in the short run.
I will tell you that I do not want to be a male with boobs, or a girl with that thing and my current face. However that is where I am. The facial hairs will be gone over time.
Secretly I wish everyone knew. I am exhausted!
By the way I feel very foolish to come to this forum as a genetic male that lives as a male and is married to a genetic female. Hey I will go with my family on vacation for 10 days so that I will not be able to see what happens to this thread. I expect to see, "Tell your children you are insane." That would be a correct assessment.
Thanks ...and I am sorry that I have not been at the forum much these last several months.
I will tell my daughter when she is old enough (she is only 16 months old). I will just answer honestly when she starts asking questions. I believe it is her right to know and I also believe that she has every right to be proud of her dad for being who she is and that it is not deviant and not evil and not something to be ashamed of. But before that I hope to start educating her on the different types of people in the world.
Sure, I worry how she will deal with it when others tease her or attack her because of who I am. But I can't make excuses. I trust she will be stong enough and not hate me for it - at least not forever anyway.
Sounds like your Daughter already kind of knows Wendy - at least has an inkling.
Quote from: Lisbeth on May 28, 2008, 05:15:15 AM
Oddly enough, that never happened to my kids. Maybe they picked their friends well, but I have always had good relationships with all my kids' friends.
That is comforting to know. Thanks Lisbeth, sounds like you have good kids.
My choice was (I have children -Yes) I told my oldest one (stepdaughter) my younger daughter is having issues right now with depression and I feel she is not able to handle it right now so it's put off until she is better. Once again there's no right answer here, there are too many variables to try to make it one size fits all.
gina
It's tough. I am not a parent yet, and probably won't be for a long time.
As far as I know, anyone who sees what's in my pants (or in this case, what isn't) would know. I would have a hard time telling my children. I wouldn't know when. Too early and they'll out me to their teacher/friends. Too old and they'll feel like they've been lied to. I hope I can raise my kids to be accepting of "what is strange."
I have a hard time thinking about having kids. I want to be a father, but that isn't possible... not cheaply and safely. I could adopt, which is what must happen as I cannot provide sperm (transmale here) and I will NOT have even an artificially induced pregnancy. I don't have the strength to handle my womb doing that. I have a hard enough time when it bloats around my period. The transman who was all over the news for being pregnant, in my opinion, is a very brave man who was able to face what hurts him about his body.
So with that aside, I would tell them eventually. My lover, children, and doctor deserve to know. I limit it to that... Unless someone outs me. At this current time, everyone "knows" I'm female. My name is a big giveaway. I won't be able to live as male until some things about my life change. I do pass well, and strangers see me as male, but family and friends know about my birth sex...
I told my son at 7 and his sister together at 5.
They are adults now, married, and have children of their own. I kept in touch while they were growing up. But now, I have only limited contact with my son by his choice. My daughter has cut off all communication. By their belief system, my sin is second only to murder. They feel betrayed and abandoned.
Cindi
Quote from: Cindi Jones on May 28, 2008, 09:25:38 PM
I told my son at 7 and his sister together at 5.
They are adults now, married, and have children of their own. I kept in touch while they were growing up. But now, I have only limited contact with my son by his choice. My daughter has cut off all communication. By their belief system, my sin is second only to murder. They feel betrayed and abandoned.
Cindi
Goodness Gracious! God never said anything bad about transpeople. The Bible mentions ONCE a problem with sodomy. But honestly...
Sorry, that just ticks me off. I feel it is a greater sin to hate your fellow man, or woman, because he or she isn't what you expected. Jesus said to embrace everyone and help them on their way, whether or not they accept the teachings of Christ...
Elwood,
I transitioned in 1986. I started in Salt Lake City and was a loyal Mormon follower. The teachings of Christ were used against me. I had a very difficult time.
My life has improved significantly since then and I've been happy with my decision to leave Utah. I now live in California.
Cindi
My kids are in their 30's. In February of this year I told them I was a ts and was going to live 24/7 as a female. At 1st they were totally supportive. Now they are having problems with it..losing their Dad is a common thread with them. I keep telling them I am still their Dad with the outer covering changed and that I love them and always will. My therapist says this is something that happens a lot. He said to give them time and he and I are sure they will come around.
My one son already knew I was a tg. He lived with me the last 2 1/2 months of 2006. He went to use the computer and wanted a sote he used the night before and hit "history". Apparently I forgot to erase it. From the sites I visited and a pop up in the corner saying there was a message for Amber he knew right away that I was a tg. H e told his fiance 9 months ago that I was tg. I hope they come around sooner rather than later. I am sure they will.
Amber
I told my son, but he was 21 and had been living on his own for a couple of years.
It's not that I hid it from him, it is that I didn't know why I never fit in with the rest of the guys. Though there were a few times I secretly cross-dressed, I didn't really understand that either. After my divorce and I began to live by myself, I made some major changes in my appearance. I shaved off the beard I had grown for 30 years, shaved my legs and arms, and grew my fingernails long. He couldn't help but notice I looked differently, and asked what was up. I told him. He took it pretty well, and has been very supportive since.
Quote from: Wendy on May 28, 2008, 12:12:42 AM
Secretly I wish everyone knew. I am exhausted!
Amen, Sister!
Quote from: Wendy on May 28, 2008, 12:12:42 AM
By the way I feel very foolish to come to this forum as a genetic male that lives as a male and is married to a genetic female. Hey I will go with my family on vacation for 10 days so that I will not be able to see what happens to this thread. I expect to see, "Tell your children you are insane." That would be a correct assessment.
Don't feel foolish, this is exactly the place to come with these kind of questions. My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what it must be like for you. If I had felt the way I do now 20 years ago...
Bless your heart, Wendy.
...L
When i have kids... i doubt it.... i dont see what benefit 'mommy used to have a penis' will have to them... I'll be thier mother, thats not going to change.
R >:D
My partner's daughter has known about me being trans since the beginning of our relationship. She was 5 yrs old when I moved with my partner. It's never been a big issue.
Z
Quote from: Elwood on May 28, 2008, 09:30:40 PM
Goodness Gracious! God never said anything bad about transpeople. The Bible mentions ONCE a problem with sodomy. But honestly...
Sorry I'm not trying to be inflammatory here but that's a little misleading if not entirely incorrect.
Deuteronomy 22:5
"A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this."
Again, sorry!
My sons are 10 and 17 and have known for 5 years.
It's not always been easy in explaining, especially to the older one. At 12 he was having his own set of confusions about 'who am I' and he hasn't always been comfortable with me, although now he doesn't seem to mind his friends seeing me and meeting me. I go to events at his school and just met a teacher and another student at the 'Governor's Art Awards" ceremony where he was honored for his photography achievements. I got no sense that either of them 'knew' or were uncomfortable talking with me. (Break for brag about my child: He won "Best in State!!" Yah!!) What he tells them is his own business. If he needs my help he asks for it.
The thing that bothers him most is when my ex's sisters and brother-in-laws are in-town and talking about me and how 'selfish' this has been of me. (he lives with his grandmother and the ex for school purposes.) But, he appears to have put down his foot about 'selfishness' by asking them why it's selfish for me to be myself when they pride themselves on 'being themselves.' That revelation apparently stopped that sort of thing about two years ago. At least around him.
The 10 year old hasn't had any problems: Mom is simply Mam-Ba (ex is Mom-Ah & my partner is Mom-Ka.) *giggle* He made that up on his own and it's stuck.
If you give them what they can handle, and don't be fooled, most kids handle things better than their adult counterparts, and continue to answer questions and deal with problems as they grow-up. I really don't find it to be a problem. Nor do the boys.
Rachael, everyone wants to know 'where did I come from.' I understand your feeling right now, but also imagine that as you have children you may find that your opinion evolves as well. Maybe not.
Nichole
nah...
as for that bible quote... hmm christians suck XD Im glad im jewish.... Our god isnt quite so harsh.... or possibly our doctrine wasnt writen by the Vatican.
R >:D
Quote from: Alex on May 29, 2008, 08:36:51 AM
Quote from: Elwood on May 28, 2008, 09:30:40 PM
Goodness Gracious! God never said anything bad about transpeople. The Bible mentions ONCE a problem with sodomy. But honestly...
Sorry I'm not trying to be inflammatory here but that's a little misleading if not entirely incorrect.
Deuteronomy 22:5
"A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this."
Again, sorry!
And Leviticus has even more things such as that, accompanied by stoning punishments, exile from the 'camp', etc. What camp? It demands the exclusion of women from the household for some days while they are menstruating and other gems.
If, I imagine, one believes that all of the Christian
Bible is "God's complete word" then one should be intent on keeping all sorts of desert & 1000 years B.C. injunctions. I don't find that most Christians do THAT. Instead they look up various 3000 year old injunctions and try to hang those on me. But don't abide by them themselves.
IMHO, those sorts of 'arguments' are 'arguments' about what I feel comfortable with for myself and how that 'triggers' their own unease with who and what I am. I truly don't see the Christian god being more concerned with those pronouncements made by Ezra than he would be with those basic commandments like "Thou shalt not do murder." And then the expansion of that by Jesus to not even "think ill of another. Lest you place yourself in danger of Gehenna."
The
Bible or
David Copperfield can probably be used to argue darn-near any position on anything if one wishes to argue.
Nichole
Quote from: Alex on May 29, 2008, 08:36:51 AM
Sorry I'm not trying to be inflammatory here but that's a little misleading if not entirely incorrect.
Deuteronomy 22:5
"A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this."
Again, sorry!
My understanding of that passage was that it was an issue if the person were cross dressing so as to commit a crime or adultery. Not if they were doing this to express their gender.
Quote from: Rachael on May 29, 2008, 09:12:20 AM
nah...
as for that bible quote... hmm christians suck XD Im glad im jewish.... Our god isnt quite so harsh.... or possibly our doctrine wasnt writen by the Vatican.
R >:D
Rachael, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that passage is from the old testament... our section :(
Z
Quote from: Zythyra on May 29, 2008, 09:26:05 AM
Rachael, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that passage is from the old testament... our section :(
Z
:laugh: :laugh: Well, that's accurate.
Quote from: Alex on May 29, 2008, 08:36:51 AM
Quote from: Elwood on May 28, 2008, 09:30:40 PM
Goodness Gracious! God never said anything bad about transpeople. The Bible mentions ONCE a problem with sodomy. But honestly...
Sorry I'm not trying to be inflammatory here but that's a little misleading if not entirely incorrect.
Deuteronomy 22:5
"A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this."
Again, sorry!
Hm. Clothing. And what defines man and woman? Isn't a transwoman a woman? And a transman a man? Their sex and gender are in conflict with each other, but especially those transitioning make that not a "lie" anymore. And how are transpeople sinning any worse than women who wear pants to work or metrosexual men?
Also, God doesn't detest anyone. That from the New Testament? That would explain a lot.
I don't believe any texts written after the old versions that were not "revised" by King James. This "revision" was a direct altercation of the Bible to suit his desires. That is one of the greatest sins a man has every committed. I've seen original bibles (thousands of years old) at the Natural History Museum in California. Anyone who knows even modern Hebrew can see some major differences between these ancient Bibles and the new ones. The new Bibles have had so much altered and added, supposedly to make them "easier to understand." But God never was a homophobe or a transphobe. Not in the old editions that hold some credibility. Editing "after the fact" is a way of saying, "Oh, we didn't REMEMBER to put THIS in," or rather, "The Bible is adored by SO MANY PEOPLE that if we put THIS in they'll consider it the LAW OF GOD."
It was a disgusting trick, and if I had an ancient Bible of my own in my hands, I could prove it. I'm sure people already have, but get swept under because I guess some people considered King James a "holy man" who had "special rights" to alter the Bible. Of COURSE he, did; he was the goddamn
king!I also apologize to you for sounding inflammatory, but anything that is thrown at me from the modern Bible just happens to make me scoff.
NOW. People are saying it's from the "unaltered" Old Testament. Guys, the entire Bible was altered when it was translated from Greek to Hebrew, from Hebrew to German, from German to English, and then the many English and German editions which came after, "revised" for clarity. The entire Bible is a mess of footnotes, cuttings, "clarifications," and "fixes."
Being a transsexual, as most should know, isn't just about crossdressing. I wear men's clothes because I'm a man. My female body makes me female, but not necessarily a woman. These words are so general and vague that it's hard to say, even if these WERE direct translations from the original texts, what exactly the scribes meant.
And another thing. So what if the BIBLE says this? It is NOT the DIRECT word of God. Sorry to break it to you, Christians, Jews, Protestants, etc. but the word of God is too Holy to be scribed onto a book. I'm sure you all know this, but a lot of your peers vehemently deny it. I am an atheist, so if God wants to send me to hell for "crossdressing" (I don't consider it crossdressing at all, but being who I am) than so be it. I'm willing to give it all to be who I am.
zing.... i think someone hit the nail on the head.....
But clearly we got it right with the hebrew version.... clearly.... :D
R >:D
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Deuteronomy%2022:5;&version=31;
You can select different versions from the drop-down box here. I know most of us will only be able to read the versions in English but it's worth noting that they all say the same apart from the contemporary English version:
"Women must not pretend to be men, and men must not pretend to be women. The LORD your God is disgusted with people who do that"
I didn't really want to go into this in the wrong thread / forum. You're quite right Elwood, nobody can define what the true word of God is and I should have noted that despite the fact that you mentioned the Bible you did say "God never said..." and not "The Bible never said..." so sorry about that. I'm not sure how people who believe in God (but mistrust their Bible / doctrine) decide what he did or didn't say but that's a pretty individual thing and is none of my business :p I just wanted to avoid any misrepresentation of the Bible's content is all. Peace, peace! :)
Quote from: Alex on May 29, 2008, 10:09:20 AMI just wanted to avoid any misrepresentation of the Bible's content is all. Peace, peace! :)
Now that the
Bible has been appropriately defended may we get back to the thread at hand before these exchanges become more heated than is necessary, please? That was "Would you tell your children if you were TG?" Just for those who've forgotten that.
Thank you all.
Nichole
I told mine when they were mid to late teenagers, but they knew long before I told them.
The question was, would you tell your children.
Being Transsexual and having transitioned it is not too likely I could keep it from them.
If I were a crossdresser and only did it once in a while, I am not sure it would be important or even right to burden them with that information.
Sarah L.
(Sorry but if I don't reply, people might think that I'm preaching the Bible and that would be terrible :p I'm not a defender of the Bible in any way. Someone posted and made a comment about what the Bible said and that had nothing to do with the subject. I just wanted to clarify what the Bible actually does say for the sake of honesty but I'd be the first one to request that the Bible is kept out of this discussion! *stops digging a hole*)
Anyway, it's a difficult one because I get the impression that even toddlers are more capable of understanding some things than they're given credit for but they're not great at understanding how other people might feel about it. I don't have kids and I won't do for many years but if I did I would be worried about them going to their friends / teachers and innocently saying "My Mum used to be a man!" which might not go down well for them. I would prefer to tell them and then let my actions speak for themselves before somebody else tells them what transgendered people are like though. No-one else should make that decision for them.
In general I would prefer people around me to be aware that I'm transgendered mainly to help dispel any myths about it so that would have to include my children really. It would be terrible for everyone but my children to know!
Children often turn out to be much more perceptive then their parents wish them to be.
Quote from: Alex on May 29, 2008, 10:09:20 AM
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Deuteronomy%2022:5;&version=31;
You can select different versions from the drop-down box here. I know most of us will only be able to read the versions in English but it's worth noting that they all say the same apart from the contemporary English version:
"Women must not pretend to be men, and men must not pretend to be women. The LORD your God is disgusted with people who do that"
I didn't really want to go into this in the wrong thread / forum. You're quite right Elwood, nobody can define what the true word of God is and I should have noted that despite the fact that you mentioned the Bible you did say "God never said..." and not "The Bible never said..." so sorry about that. I'm not sure how people who believe in God (but mistrust their Bible / doctrine) decide what he did or didn't say but that's a pretty individual thing and is none of my business :p I just wanted to avoid any misrepresentation of the Bible's content is all. Peace, peace! :)
A good point, but I wouldn't trust that resource. People will say anything to defend their transphobia... Using God as an argument is a logically fallacy anyway...
Quote from: Alex on May 29, 2008, 12:50:37 PMAnyway, it's a difficult one because I get the impression that even toddlers are more capable of understanding some things than they're given credit for but they're not great at understanding how other people might feel about it.
I agree with this. I'm slipping a little off topic, but I feel like I've got to say this. My mom says there is no way a child should be trusted with their own gender identity, because they haven't dated/had sex yet. She says that is also my case, and that I can't possibly understand my own gender identity without having been in a physically intimate relationship. Today she asked me, "Please kiss a boy before you
decide to do this" (by "this" she means transition). And I was like, "You ->-bleeped-<-in' serious?" Honestly. As a transman, I'm very gay, and kissing a pretty boy could only help me further realize my gender identity. You can't "UNDO" someone's gender identity. Especially not with sexual relations.
My mother seems to think I am completely "un"perceptive about my own gender identity. She says I have to have "more life experience" to know who I am. So I asked, "How do the 'normal' kids in my class know THEIR gender identity? Only applies to CISkids, right? Only CISkids can know who they are, RIGHT?" I've given this a lot of thought. I am not playing games with myself or anyone else here.
Assuming kids are TOO DUMB to handle this sort of subject is STUPID in my opinion. I always knew about transpeople. I saw a ->-bleeped-<-, popped the question, and was told the 'truth' of the matter. "Some men think they're women."
I will be telling them in about 6 weeks - once classes & exams are over.
How they will respond will be a crap shoot.
Chaunte
Yes i told my two children(4,12).The youngest does not understand yet,but my 12 year old asked questions.
She seems to be okay.
We have talked alot in the past year.Its good
I'm telling my 3 sons next weekend. Ages 20-23. I'll bet they are stunned, but I'm sure that things they saw growing up will make sense. I have no expectations about their reactions, but some hope. My middle son has nothing to do with me, for reasons relating to my being TG, though I don't think he knows that, yet.
They have to know before my changes become unmistakeable.
I could use luck and good vibes.
My parents and sisters were stunned, still are, but amazingly supportive. More than I could have hoped for.
Namaste, Tara
Childless woman here but I'd assume you've got to tell them. They will find out sooner or later right?
I'm 18 now and at the very beginning of transition and as much as I hope to have children (in some form) one day, I highly doubt that will happen pre- or during transition. But if it happend I would tell them, try to explain to them as well and suited to their age as I would be able to do--I just don't see how I could keep it from them.
The way more probably scenario is that I will just be a dad one day. That way I wouldn't find it necessary to tell them their dad once was a 'girl', what good would it do?
But I can't see me hiding my past from them either. Eventually they would probably find it out because I don't plan on burning all photos from the past or something.
But I would try to raise them as open-minded and understanding as possible. They would know about TG from an early age, just as they would know that not only boy and girl can fall in love. Wouldn't it be great if in the future kids wouldn't think more about discovering a parents transsexuality than if they had found a funny hair do on an high school pic? ;)
Of course I did. My daughter, the mother of my 3 grandchildren was wonderful about it. She thinks of me as her father, but female, calls me Dad at home, and calls me Mom out in public, or refers to me in as 'one of my moms'. My son-in-law calls me Dad at home, and either Mom, or Bev out in public. My grandsons all call me Papa at home, and are learning to call me Nana in public. All these wonderful famly members live at home currently, with Marcy and I. Marcy refers to me as Dad or Papa to the kids, but refers to me strictly as Bev or Beverly in all other instances.
My son has the hardest time understanding anything outside a binary gender universe, which surprises me. He is very intelligent, and I had somehow thought this would be naturally understandable to him. But it's not. He loves me very much, sees me as often as he can, and calls me Dad. He accepts it, but doesn't understand it. Still hugs and kisses me bye. His fiance accepts totally. I don't know if she understands it, but I think she does, and she calls me Bev. Her plan is this: Next year they will marry. She has already explained everything to her parents, and wants her mom, Marcy, and Bev to help pick out the wedding gown.
All this began one evening, with Marcy and I discussing my middle grandson's gender dysphoria. One question led to another, and before I could back out, I was having THE TALK.....something that I had avoided having at all costs. But that was before, when a family member's depression was so severe, that such a discussion was unthinkable.
But now, it's all good. Everyone has what they want, and we're all happy. Honesty is crucial in all our relationships, and it began with being honest with myself.
If you are interested here is how my grandchildren learned about my being ts .https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,17879.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,17879.0.html)
First thank you for sharing your varied thoughts!
....................
I would be amiss to not share the tabulation of 41 respondents. Slightly more than half the respondents had children and 86% of that sample told or would tell them. Only 14% were undecided. I was in the clear minority. The remaining half of the respondents did not have children and 45% would tell them, 45% were undecided, and 10% would not tell them.
.......................
My vacation to Seattle with my family included visiting my wife's family and everyone had a great time. (Although I had a tough time with 49 degrees F and rainy as opposed to 96 and dry in Atlanta.)
My youngest daughter (16) will not let up on her curiosity. On the plane she said to me, "Daddy do you want to read a copy of "Woman's Day" magazine?"
A copy of days into the trip we were staying at a house we rented and I had a kitchen so that I made dinner. (I purchased fresh oysters from the oyster farm and served them on the half shell. I also sauteed some ocean scallops and shrimp for the weak of stomach that refused the oysters.) My youngest daughter was making the salad and grabbed two salad bowls and placed them on my upper chest in front of my wife. She said, "Dad these should fit.", referring to the salad bowls on my chest. To which I replied, "What size would you need?" She relied, "Small mixing bowl." I then said, "And mom?" She relied, "Large mixing bowl." When I asked my wife what she thought of the incident later that night she thought it was funny.
Quote from: tekla on May 29, 2008, 12:55:14 PM
Children often turn out to be much more perceptive then their parents wish them to be.
I agree.
........................
Quote from: Chaunte on June 01, 2008, 06:50:44 AM
I will be telling them in about 6 weeks - once classes & exams are over.
How they will respond will be a crap shoot.
Chaunte
I hope all goes well with telling the children and taking the exams!
............................
Quote from: Sarah Louise on May 29, 2008, 11:26:00 AM
Being Transsexual and having transitioned it is not too likely I could keep it from them.
If I were a crossdresser and only did it once in a while, I am not sure it would be important or even right to burden them with that information.
Sarah L.
Sarah that is an excellent point. My wife is hoping that I can contain this stuff. I realize if you tell someone then the information spreads like wildfire. I have been having some "CD moments" too the past few years. However my youngest daughter has popped the lock to her parents bedroom to try and catch me. Fortunately she has trouble popping the lock and I can quickly hide under the covers. Frankly I do not think my daughter (or her siblings) believes her parents on this issue.
..........
Quote from: Beverly on June 08, 2008, 10:27:14 PM
Of course I did. ...
But now, it's all good. Everyone has what they want, and we're all happy. Honesty is crucial in all our relationships, and it began with being honest with myself.
If you are interested here is how my grandchildren learned about my being ts .https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,17879.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,17879.0.html)
Beverly thank you for sharing that link! You are such a positive person and an inspiration!
...........................
Cindy I have always felt bad that your family rejected you because of their religious teachings. Many months ago I asked my wife if she thinks God will abandon me. She replied that she and especially God love me. Today on a walk my wife said that if a husband has cancer that a wife will not understand why he has cancer but will love him anyway. Therefore if a husband has gender issues that she can not understand but the husband is a good person then she could love that person. Cindy thank you for sharing many stories.
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Quote from: Kiera on June 07, 2008, 06:15:07 AM
Wendy, just to make it official, being 8 and 10 they both basically know already that I am not your usual, run of the mill "daddy" and as long as I do not totally embarrass them in front of their friends (and parents) they are quite fine with me and love me no less . . .
I am a firm believer in letting others draw their own conclusions about us - Male? Female? Somewhere in between? ;) What do you really want to tell your kids? That your a "woman stuck in a male body that will one day have to pass (in public life)" or that "mom and you have a special private life together that you basically want to always keep between/within the family"?
:icon_bunch:
Hmm. I am not sure where I fit on the TG spectrum. I know a part of me is refusing to be suppressed any longer. I did not want my children to be restricted from telling their friends since they might want to talk to someone. I never restricted my wife from telling her friends. She has requested that I tell no one we know. I setup a userid for her on this forum and wish she would talk to some of the SO's. Kiera maybe one day our wives will talk to each other. This stuff is not easy for them. Thanks for your notes.
........
Again I thank everyone for their help. If I stay away from the forum for awhile it is not because I am avoiding you. I am just trying to sort things out and I have some things I need to address this week.
I have a 15 year old son and he dosen't live with me. I will have to tell him soon beccuase the hormones are making changes that sooner or later he will notice. I need to tell him before that happens. I have pretty much decided to do it this summer, whiel he is out of school. I am so afraid of how he is going to react. I don't want to lose him, or turn his life upside down. He is still pretty angry with me over divorcing his mom. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. There is also my x-wife to take into consideration, she is a devout christian and I think she will try to stop him from seeing me and me seeing him once she finds out. I have friends that tell me I should wait till he's 18, I just don't think I can stop transitioning for that long without going backwards. Before I accepted who I truly was I battled with severe depression and was in and out of the hospital. I don't want to go back there ever again. I have some peace of mind now. Anyways sorry I went off on a tagent here, just this is what I am facing, live in fear of how this is going to go and do nothing, or tell him and live with the consequences.
Hugz,
Ari
This is an interesting topic. I have stuggled over the last year plus about transitioning and the main reason is I have kids. One is 8 and one 8 (and 3/4 as he says), both adopted and have gone thru great loss in thier short lives already. All I can think about is how it will affect them, will they lose friends, will people tease them and so on. I am also on the PTA and all the kids at school know me, I volunteer a lot. I am my kids mom to everyone, the kids don't know my name. If I didn't have kids I wouldn't think twice about it, my partner is very supportive and I think I could manage it. I just can't get over how much they could have to deal with. As long as I am the one struggling with my identity it is only my struggle, once I deal with it it becomes thiers as well. On the other hand I know I am misserable and not very happy and this also affects them.
I have decided I will go to a therapist who can help me sort it all out and put it into perspective. While I liked my lst thereapist she has never dealt with anyone that is trans. Until then I can't think of anything but them.
Myles
Miles,
I totally understand what you are saying, and I am struggling with some of the same issues. My son has already been through alot with the divorce, me being an over the road truck driver and gone all the time, which I am not doing anymore. He is very angrry with me about the divorce and being gone all the time and he believes that I am going to leave again and not be around, so this is very hard for me to deal with. I alos know that the only way for me to have peace and any happiness is to to continue to transition.
I wish you hte very best in whatever you decide to do. I believe the only thing we can do is to be true to ourselves and be totally honest with our kids. I also understand your fear of what it might do to them, sense they have already had loss in their lives. This is so difficult to make the right descision if there is such a thing as the right descion and who is that the right descion for us or our kids. I have been struggling with this for awhile and descion time is coming soon, probably this summer.
If I didn't have my son this would be a no brainer, just like you said.
Please take care and I wish you the very best in this journey.
Hugz,
Ariana
Ariana thank you for your reply.
I think the honesty thing gets to me becasue I do not feel like I am being honest with them or myself at the moment. I also struggle with thte fact that I tell my children to stand up for what they believe in and they should be proud of who they are, yet I am being hypocritical becasue I feel I am neither at the moment.
I know it will all end the way it is suppose to just a bit of a strugle getting there.
Myles
i don't really have a reply because i'm not trans, my SO is, but i would reccomend reading "dress codes" to anyone who is struggling with trans issues in a family situation.
this is a question that im dealing with now.. Im in the process of relocating to Florida with my wife, when i move i plan to live full time. My daughter is 20 and my son is 18. My wife and I had THE talk with my daughter about 3 months ago because we were in the process stages of our move. My daughter accepted it 110%..when i came out to her it was like a big relief because prior to the talk i felt like i was keeping a secret from her. the day she saw me "dressed" she even had a few suggestions to help me like getting a new longer wig. as for my son, well like i said we are planning to move to Florida where i am going to live full time, and my son and his fiance are moving with us. Last week my wife and I had my son over and we filled him in as to what was going to happen once we moved. that way he could make the choice to stay here or make the move with us. Supprisingly he didn't have any problems with it. he told me he talked to his fiance and she also didnt have any problems with it. My suggestion is to tell your children earlier then I did. They probalbly know something anyway, but at least you dont have to hide it from them, I know how hard it was to keep my "secret" from my kids and now i know they are excepting of my life, i feel like i wasted valuable family time from them.
Hi All,
Sunday August 10th I told my daughter I was TG.
Why now? My daughter is back at college on Friday August 15 and she is over 500 miles away. She is also my oldest child and should be told first.
I would change my option on the poll to "Tell my children" but somehow the option is no longer available.
My wife is now in total support of me telling my children. The dialogue with my oldest daughter went as follows:
First I went to my daughter's bedroom and she was e-mailing her friends via her laptop. I told her I love her and I was sorry to have been a disappointment to her. She said I was not a disappointment. (My family will lie to me to spare my feelings.) I then asked her if she knew what it meant to be transgendered. She said yes. I told her transgendered people do vary in their ability to cover their feelings and many can hide them from even their family.
My daughter asked me how I felt about being TG. I told her I was very troubled and many times I wanted to be able to express myself to everyone. She said she was sorry that this troubled me and if it made me happy I should express myself to the world. (I am not sure she understood what I was implying but she was very supportive.)
I then asked her if she knew I was TG. She replied that when mom gave me the book, "My Husband Betty" (Helen Boyd) at Christmas she had an idea. She also said she heard me talking to mom many times on the subject this summer.
Yes children seem to know more than parents think they know! My son is the next oldest and I expect I will be a total disappointment to him when I share my feelings. My son has asked my wife many times, "Why is dad not like the other dads?"
W
I have told my adult daughter and I am sure she has told her brothers. At least they are all close. She still e-mails me but only for the chain letter type. She hasn't ever asked and hinted at wanting to know more. And my sons have never even said anything. Thus it goes. My exes probable all know by now. But again nothing to tell me so.
My only family now is here at Susan's, now.
Love,
Mistress Janet
I told my two sons 8 years ago.
I havent seen them or spoken to them since.
I sure miss them.
Buffy : :'(
Quote from: Janet Lynn on August 11, 2008, 11:01:43 AM
I have told my adult daughter and I am sure she has told her brothers. At least they are all close. She still e-mails me but only for the chain letter type. She hasn't ever asked and hinted at wanting to know more. And my sons have never even said anything.
Janet I am sorry to read your adult daughter has no questions. My wife asked my daughter if she had any questions regarding her discussion with her dad. My daughter said, as told to me by my wife, "I don't want to talk about it!"
Quote from: Buffy on August 11, 2008, 12:15:25 PM
I told my two sons 8 years ago.
I havent seen them or spoken to them since.
I sure miss them.
Buffy I am sorry to read that note.
..............................................................
Today Monday August 11th I interviewed as a "male" for a teaching position. Prior to going on the interview I had made a pre-birthday dinner for my oldest daughter that will be going back to college.
When I arrived home the girls had eaten and took a walk.
My son and I ate together and I asked him if he would like to take a walk with me. He said, "Fine".
My discussion with him was quite different than with my daughter. First I told him I loved him to which he had no reply. Then I told him I was sorry I was not like other dads and he said, "O.K."
Then I asked him if was familiar with TG people. He said, "Probably".
I asked if he had a discussion with his older sister regarding me and he said, "No."
Then I talked about TG people and told him I am probably a TG person.
I asked him if he understood and again he said, "Probably."
I asked him if he knew. He said, "Now that you told me I know."
I told him sometimes I need to do things that appear odd to other people. He told me, "Do what you have to."
I told him I loved him and thanks for the walk. He had no reply.
.....................
Last week my wife told me that a trans high school girl was murdered in California. My wife said if you do more than you are currently doing then you can leave because you might bring harm to this family.
I have one more child to tell. I think my youngest daughter will be the most understanding since she is the most sensitive of my children.
W
I told my kids at the end of June and posted their reaction in my blog.
Bottom line is that I believe that they are slowly getting their arms around this. My son (age 12) is starting to ask questions. When he set up his Wii so we both could play, I let him generate the figure for me. To the very first question, gender, he said, "Since you are going to be female, we should use that one." It went on to hair style & color, both of which he tried to match mine. It was a little different seeing a female figure answering to the title of "Dad," but that's where we ended up.
I haven't seen or talked with my daughter much (18). Part of this is work. The only day off she has is Thursday and my budget does not allow for much travel - even the 50 mile drive to see the house. Part of this, I believe, is anger and difficulty in understanding. While kids are a crapshoot, what I have read suggests that it is better telling them when they are younger.
I'll be able to post more later this week after I have a birthday lunch with her. It will be interesting to see how she responds to my newly pierced ears.
Chaunte
Wendy,
It sound to me like ether: A. Your son has been told and is still trying to come to grips with the news. or B. He is being a typical boy. Not really wanting to talk about something difficult for him.
I am not really surprised by my daughter's nonresponse. I think that my ex told her a long time ago. But come September 4th, they all have a shock coming. That will be the day I am truly Janet, legally changing my name. ;D
Mistress Janet
Quote from: Chaunte on August 11, 2008, 08:58:36 PM
...what I have read suggests that it is better telling them when they are younger.
I'll be able to post more later this week after I have a birthday lunch with her. It will be interesting to see how she responds to my newly pierced ears.
Chaunte thanks for sharing. I think younger children are more open to differences. I have not had one comment or question from my older children regarding what I shared. I have made many miscalculations the past few months in what I think I can do. I wore a corset under two shirts to dinner one night. I had been trying to reduce the size of my ribs but the next day my wife said the children were asking how big are dad's boobs. My wife asked me not to wear a corset to dinner again.
Two weeks ago I decided to ask my wife and younger daughter if I can get pierced ears. I figured they would say O.K. My youngest daughter said, "Dad do not get your ears pierced. My friends will regard you as Super Gay. Wear clip-ons in the house if you want earrings." I actually wanted a double piercing with a sapphire stud and a little platinum ring underneath on each ear. The sapphire would match my eye color. Of course I did not get the piercings and I am not partial to clip-ons.
Last week my wife needed her toenails painted so that I asked my daughter for some polish. She told me she had none. My wife asked my daughter and my daughter gave my wife some polish and told her mom thought dad was going to use it. I did my wife's toenails including the clear coat. My wife was very pleased and she told some of her girl friends her husband did her nails.
I've cut-off my ponytail because of all the family criticism. I guess I look better without it because I have a significant recede but I felt bad.
My days tend to go this way.
Quote from: Janet Lynn on August 12, 2008, 12:47:53 AM
It sound to me like ether: A. Your son has been told and is still trying to come to grips with the news. or B. He is being a typical boy. Not really wanting to talk about something difficult for him.
I am not really surprised by my daughter's nonresponse. I think that my ex told her a long time ago. But come September 4th, they all have a shock coming. That will be the day I am truly Janet, legally changing my name.
Janet I am sure you will be happy to have legally changed your name.
My son is a typical boy and does not want to talk about this stuff. I find it difficult to believe he did not have an inkling.
I guess the rule is daddy should stay in the closet or bedroom in this case.
Hey I did buy a whole bunch of perfumes. I told my wife she is welcome to use them. Every night I test a new perfume before I go to bed. I told my wife it is aromatherapy. She tells me to use less than half a bottle because she is unable to breathe when I come to bed.
My nights tend to go this way.
W
A lady (or gentleman for that matter) should arrive with their perfume (or aftershave) not after it.
Quote from: tekla on August 12, 2008, 03:17:14 PM
A lady (or gentleman for that matter) should arrive with their perfume (or aftershave) not after it.
But the perfume wears off by morning and it is just right for the day!
.....................
Tuesday evening August 12th was a rare rainy night in Atlanta. I kept trying to find a way to get a little private time with my daughter but it did not happen.
At 9 PM my youngest daughter said, "Dad do you want to take a walk with our umbrellas?" I of course said sure.
On the walk I told my youngest daughter (16) that I had chatted with her siblings. I asked her if they shared anything and she said no.
I used the same formula. I told her I loved her and asked if she knew about transgendered people and she said yes.
I told her I was TG and asked her if she knew. She then said dad you have been acting strange for about two years. I then told her that her brother acted as if it were news. She said we all kind of knew.
She asked if I always wanted to be a girl and I told her yes but it got worse by the time I was a teenager. She then asked me if I ever tried on my sister's clothes. I said yes but I got too tall early and would not fit in them. (I don't think I ever talked about that to anyone.)
She then asked why I was so muscular if I was a girl. I told her when I entered college I had a number of gay friends and I thought I must be a male. My gay friends liked to show me how to build muscle and I started lifting weights with them.
She then said you seem to like girls. I told her gender is independent of sexual preference. In fact I learned on the internet that some MTF do like girls which surprised me too.
I then told her that I really only like to talk to girls but her mom was different. I thought she was very beautiful. She then asked if I would have wanted a body like her mom's. I said yes.
She then said, "You don't want all those operations do you?" The cat had my tongue and I said nothing. (If I could keep my family, be gainfully employed, and be accepted by society then yes would be my answer.)
She then said, "God gave you an understanding wife and children that love you because you had an internal struggle. You are healthy and have had a good life. Are you glad you have your family?" I told her very much so and I am very lucky.
She then said, "You should not be ashamed and you can not help yourself. This is how you feel and since no one can see it then people will not understand it."
I said your mom says I have to leave if I wear a dress outside of this house. (The dress is a figurative term.) My daughter said you will bring danger to this household if you wear a dress outside. Many people are mean and would hurt you and your family.
She then said I do not think you would be happy as a girl. You will not have your wife or children, we will rarely see you, you will lose your long time friends, you will not find jobs that will support you and you will be very lonely."
We walked around and around the block with our umbrellas in the rain. My daughter seemed to control the conversation. She was not shy with her questions or with her thoughts.
She then started asking me questions about the TG person I joined a couple weeks ago for lunch. (I had told my daughter I had lunch with a friend that I met on the internet. She correctly concluded this was a TG'ed person.)
We even talked about her TG'ed girlfriend and my daughter told me I should give her friend some hormones. I told my daughter that I can not do that because my daughter's friend would tell all her friends that I am TG.
I do not think my daughter knows I take hormones. She knows I take some things.
She then said, "Dad you are a nice looking guy but you just look very male. You chose to get married and have children and your life is nice. We love you and would prefer if you stay with us."
We had an excellent discussion. My 16 year old daughter has always been my most sensitive child.
........................
I have now told my three children and I think they understand.
Quote from: Alex on May 29, 2008, 08:36:51 AM
Sorry I'm not trying to be inflammatory here but that's a little misleading if not entirely incorrect.
Deuteronomy 22:5
"A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this."
Again, sorry!
Since I'm a woman, no worries, eh? ;-) *phew* Dodged one there...
else I'd be damn worried about wayward lightning bolts and sleeping in warm places.
Posted on: August 13, 2008, 05:40:17 PM
Sorry, got distracted by that whole smiting for clothing stuff...
two daughters, came out to them 5 years ago.