So a while ago my mother bought me a very lovely blouse for my big brothers wedding. Well the wedding was today and my mother pulled me aside and asked me to change into this women's Hawaiian shirt and it really hurt my feelings. She said she was worried about me but after talking she admitted it was her insecurities and not her worrying about mine, because I was totally cool with outing myself to the family that didn't know.
But yeah, it was pretty evident that my mother is selectively supportive with me. It's like those TV shows where a popular girl is friends with a geeky boy, but when the popular girl is around the other popular kids she pretends like she doesn't know the geeky boy.
There was a very defined rift between the men and women at the wedding. All the women wore sun dresses, all the men wore slacks and hawaiian shirts. Gee, how coincidental? I wasn't allowed in the house because "boys can't go in yet because the women are still changing" so I had to stand around like an idiot with all the men of the family. I felt so humiliated, honestly. When we were let inside I decided to hide out in the back room and watched Peep and Tweet with the little kids.
Also there was a guest sign in book thing that was being signed for fun. Yeah so I hid away from that too. And lastly my mother went nuts with the male pronouns again, so pretty much every old would was busted open in about 2 hours... Meh.
Ouch. Unfortunately there's not too much you can do when she's not willing to cooperate. On a side note, you look great in your picture!
Wow, you are waaaaaaay more tolerant then I am. How did you brother feel about it? I'm not sure if I would have pitched a fit or simply left but there is no way I'd have let her make me feel like that. But then I guess I've become much more likley to stand my ground in recent years. Funny how being yourself makes you want to stand up for yourself. I never really thought of that until looking at your post. Thanks.
ttfn: Holly
Quote from: ANewMe on July 01, 2008, 07:04:55 PM
Wow, you are waaaaaaay more tolerant then I am. How did you brother feel about it? I'm not sure if I would have pitched a fit or simply left but there is no way I'd have let her make me feel like that. But then I guess I've become much more likley to stand my ground in recent years. Funny how being yourself makes you want to stand up for yourself. I never really thought of that until looking at your post. Thanks.
ttfn: Holly
It hasn't even been a year since I came out, so everything is still so fresh. Not to mention I am still dependent on my family. I'm pretty passive too. I just let it slide for now. But after a year or so I won't permit anything
Hugs Sweetie, that was pretty rotten. While I am a lot older than you I still have to walk a fine line sometimes, like at work where I cant fully present yet as an example. So I do understand how you must feel. Try to look at it in that you are on your way and one of these days they wont be able to put you in those situations.
Yeah that makes since. Once upon a time in a life far far away I'd let anyone and everyone tell me what to do. I was barely holding myself together so always felt that other people knew what was best. I was extremely passive. Since you depend on your family it was probably best you handled it the way you did. Perhaps given time your Mom wouldn't have asked you to make such a concession. I know mine might have in the beginning but now several years later I think she would jump in between me and anyone who'd dare to make a suggestion that I dress or act differently.
I too have a brother he's 6' 5" tall weight 235lbs (solid muscle, he is a butcher and lifts meat all day) funny thing is when I came out we had a looong conversation. He didn't quite understand but said he supported me. About three days later he called me and asked a ton of questions. The day after that he called me and said "Holly you are my sister, and I love you.... And let me just say if ANYONE messes with you in any way you let me know and I will kick the a$$ so hard they will wish they had never seen you" I had to laugh. He answered my laughter and said "don't laugh I mean it." And given his history I believe him. Isn't my bother cool?
Cya: Holly
Quote from: ANewMe on July 01, 2008, 07:28:04 PM
Yeah that makes since. Once upon a time in a life far far away I'd let anyone and everyone tell me what to do. I was barely holding myself together so always felt that other people knew what was best. I was extremely passive. Since you depend on your family it was probably best you handled it the way you did. Perhaps given time your Mom wouldn't have asked you to make such a concession. I know mine might have in the beginning but now several years later I think she would jump in between me and anyone who'd dare to make a suggestion that I dress or act differently.
I too have a brother he's 6' 5" tall weight 235lbs (solid muscle, he is a butcher and lifts meat all day) funny thing is when I came out we had a looong conversation. He didn't quite understand but said he supported me. About three days later he called me and asked a ton of questions. The day after that he called me and said "Holly you are my sister, and I love you.... And let me just say if ANYONE messes with you in any way you let me know and I will kick the a$$ so hard they will wish they had never seen you" I had to laugh. He answered my laughter and said "don't laugh I mean it." And given his history I believe him. Isn't my bother cool?
Cya: Holly
what a cool brother :"0
No one in my family has asked me questions yet. My mom says she's told some, but it seems to be in a very hush-hush sort of way so no one wants to acknowledge it
gracie, youre a total hottie! (you text? lol) i cant imaging anyone trying to mash you into guy clothes. >_<
Quote from: JonasCarminis on July 01, 2008, 08:30:39 PM
gracie, youre a total hottie! (you text? lol) i cant imaging anyone trying to mash you into guy clothes. >_<
Text? Like on a phone???
yea... like... phone words.
Quote from: JonasCarminis on July 01, 2008, 08:45:56 PM
yea... like... phone words.
lol no sorry :"P My phone is crap. I just recently got voice mail though :"0
ah. *shoots a PM*
Quote from: Gracie FAISE on July 01, 2008, 07:35:09 PM
what a cool brother :"0
why yes, I say Donald rocks in my book.
Quote from: Gracie FAISE on July 01, 2008, 07:35:09 PM
No one in my family has asked me questions yet. My mom says she's told some, but it seems to be in a very hush-hush sort of way so no one wants to acknowledge it
my guess is once they realize you're serious and its not a fad, the questions will come (though they might come to your Mom instead of you, a problem if she dosn't get on board 100%)
Quote from: ANewMe on July 01, 2008, 09:03:15 PM
Quote from: Gracie FAISE on July 01, 2008, 07:35:09 PM
what a cool brother :"0
why yes, I say Donald rocks in my book.
Quote from: Gracie FAISE on July 01, 2008, 07:35:09 PM
No one in my family has asked me questions yet. My mom says she's told some, but it seems to be in a very hush-hush sort of way so no one wants to acknowledge it
my guess is once they realize you're serious and its not a fad, the questions will come (though they might come to your Mom instead of you, a problem if she dosn't get on board 100%)
Yeah, that could be a problem. I'm like, so cool about answering questions, I wish they would ask me stuff so I could teach :"[
Asking questions is the only way anyone is ever going to learn. I don't understand why it has to be such a big deal to everyone. It's not like we've decided to become career criminals or something like that. Your family will come around eventually, your mom especially.
Gracie,
I am so sorry that you were made to face that humiliation. I am sure it was a pain. I hope that your Mom comes around quickly.
Holly,
I agree you have a mondo way cool, Brother.
Janet
Sorry to read about that. My mom and I had it out about a month or two into my transition. Big fight, lots of screaming which was followed by a lot of tears and the family begging me to stay (I had just finished up an 8 hour trip to get there and was turning around to head back home). It actually cleared the air a bit.
If it was me I would have ignored my Mum and found out what my brother wanted at his wedding (offering a choice between me or no me) :p
I shudder to think of a couple of times where I probably 'ruined' an event for someone for not dressing 'appropriately' (as in skirt, hose, and heels). My BIL's wedding comes to mind. I was not in the wedding party or anything, but in the family photos. It was a formal wedding, which had the misfortune of occuring one night in March that just happened to coincide with a nasty ice storm.
Needless to say Jay was dressed for the weather and did NOT change into the required hose and heels and will forever live on int he wedding photos in black jeans, nice workboots, and a wool sweater from LLBean ...
Jay
Quote from: Alex on July 02, 2008, 11:31:20 AM
If it was me I would have ignored my Mum and found out what my brother wanted at his wedding (offering a choice between me or no me) :p
My brother, like the rest of my extended family, is still highly uncomfortable with all this so he probably wouldn't have an answer.
Quote from: Gracie FAISE on July 01, 2008, 06:19:34 PM
lastly my mother went nuts with the male pronouns again, so pretty much every old would was busted open in about 2 hours... Meh.
I can relate to that. My mom used to virtually beat me senseless with the male pronouns. I ended up confronting her twice about this. The first time worked for about two days, and the next time I just broke down crying because it bothered me so much that she wouldn't stop it. Now, she SEEMS to be coming around.
For events like this you could try something androgynous. I did that for a year or so while transitioning. It seemed to ease everyone into the change. Not a big shock for them or me when I went full time.
On a related note, I don't get invited to family events anymore. I wasn't even invited by my dad to my mom's funeral. No big deal. One down & one to go. Then I get my inheritance. :eusa_dance:
Hey, parents! See what happens when you don't support your children. They do the happy dance when you die.
Quote from: TreeFlower on July 02, 2008, 03:02:47 PM
For events like this you could try something androgynous. I did that for a year or so while transitioning. It seemed to ease everyone into the change. Not a big shock for them or me when I went full time.
On a related note, I don't get invited to family events anymore. I wasn't even invited by my dad to my mom's funeral. No big deal. One down & one to go. Then I get my inheritance. :eusa_dance:
Hey, parents! See what happens when you don't support your children. They do the happy dance when you die.
Bleck. I dressed andro for years before I came out. That'd be a big step backwards for me. The clothes I wore were still women's clothing, it just hid my feminine figure and made me match the men more than the women. It's why I had to wear it, not what I had to wear.
Quote from: TreeFlower on July 02, 2008, 03:02:47 PMNo big deal. One down & one to go. Then I get my inheritance. :eusa_dance:
Hey, parents! See what happens when you don't support your children. They do the happy dance when you die.
That's cold!
hee hee
Actually, if I could grow an attitude like that it would help me a lot to deal with the family situation.
They pretty much missed my androgynous phase because I live hundreds of miles away. I visited one Christmastime when I was very androgynous, and everyone carefully pretended they hadn't noticed anything different. Now that I'm transitioned to full time, I'm banished from there. Fine. You want to play hardball? I'm playing for keeps.
Quote from: Gracie FAISE on July 01, 2008, 07:11:53 PM
Quote from: ANewMe on July 01, 2008, 07:04:55 PM
Wow, you are waaaaaaay more tolerant then I am. How did you brother feel about it? I'm not sure if I would have pitched a fit or simply left but there is no way I'd have let her make me feel like that. But then I guess I've become much more likley to stand my ground in recent years. Funny how being yourself makes you want to stand up for yourself. I never really thought of that until looking at your post. Thanks.
ttfn: Holly
It hasn't even been a year since I came out, so everything is still so fresh. Not to mention I am still dependent on my family. I'm pretty passive too. I just let it slide for now. But after a year or so I won't permit anything
I did not put up with that sort of thing from my family. And now it's been 15 years since we've spoken.
I applaud your tolerance. If at all possible, I suggest that you do whatever you can to keep the lines of communication open, even if your Mom only bought that blouse to manipulate you into wearing slacks instead of a dress so she could whip out the Hawaiin shirt at the last minute.
Quote from: glendagladwitch on July 03, 2008, 03:51:50 PM
Quote from: Gracie FAISE on July 01, 2008, 07:11:53 PM
Quote from: ANewMe on July 01, 2008, 07:04:55 PM
Wow, you are waaaaaaay more tolerant then I am. How did you brother feel about it? I'm not sure if I would have pitched a fit or simply left but there is no way I'd have let her make me feel like that. But then I guess I've become much more likley to stand my ground in recent years. Funny how being yourself makes you want to stand up for yourself. I never really thought of that until looking at your post. Thanks.
ttfn: Holly
It hasn't even been a year since I came out, so everything is still so fresh. Not to mention I am still dependent on my family. I'm pretty passive too. I just let it slide for now. But after a year or so I won't permit anything
I did not put up with that sort of thing from my family. And now it's been 15 years since we've spoken.
I applaud your tolerance. If at all possible, I suggest that you do whatever you can to keep the lines of communication open, even if your Mom only bought that blouse to manipulate you into wearing slacks instead of a dress so she could whip out the Hawaiin shirt at the last minute.
Naw, my mother isn't manipulative like that. I honestly think that she got last-minute panics and switched out with the other shirt. And yes I am trying to keep close to my family, as we are all very close and get together many times a year.
Ahhh Gracie, hugs. Your mum sounds like she's handling it kinda similarly to mine. She didn't like me being TS, thought it would reflect badly on her, and just wasn't comfortable with it or with people finding out. But she still loved me and didn't want to lose me, so she tried to be supportive even if not all the time.
But its that second part that is really important, she didn't want to loose our relationship any more than i did. And she didn't want her or me to have to face those situations that she was insecure about, but she was able to handle them when forced to face them. I don't mean that you should just ignore how she's feeling about who you are, or rush her to come to terms with it. But if theres insecurities that she doesn't want to face, then a little nudge from you perhaps would help?
I think your really sweet giving her so much time to adjust, but from what you've said, your mum still loves you and isn't about to disown you. Maybe you could push the boundaries a bit? Let her know that you respect that she's feeling insecure, but that theres limits as to how boyish you're prepared to be for her.
My mum still asks me to not dress too femininely around relatives who have only just found out, but after seeing that all her worries about what could happen, didn't happen, she's been a lot more supportive. And she doesn't ask me to do anything that she knows makes me feel very uncomfortable any more.
And I really love your avator, i'm so jealous!
hugs
jenny x x