I'm in big trouble, emotionally.
Last Friday, the day before my birthday, I had my legal name change hearing. My "wife" attended. We had what I thought was a very nice day after the hearing. That night my birthday celebration didn't include my name on the cake or did I get the happy birthday song. I also only got a card with money. This is the first time I have ever received money instead of a gift. In our family, it was always said to be an affront and improper. The cash was stuffed into the card, not even folded. I managed to pretend it was a great party. Inside, I was crushed.
Saturday, she asked me print a report from the accounting software to show that she is the major wage earner. She wanted to know the ratio of her earnings to mine. When I showed her that she was several times mine, she said " How does that make you feel?" And I said, "It makes me feel terrible and vulnerable."
Then on Monday, I said I was going to the court house to get my documents and was asked not to go. The reason: to save gas. These are the most important documents in my life and I am to wait until we have more gas? Once again, I was shocked. I lied and did it anyway.
Today, I am told that my orchi surgery must be delayed until next year. She demanded I agree to her terms and not to go behind her back like I did getting the court order when she told me not to. She is worried about losing her job and our savings must then be used for living expenses. She isn't in danger of that. ( She works for an engineering firm that has record earnings. They also have business for two years ahead already paid for by bonds. Just last weekend, she was saying how lucky we are for that. )
I was to get my second letter this week. I was going to proceed as she has promised for months and now she pulls the rug out from under me. Oh, just a few minutes ago, she called from work and said that if I used my birthday money she would match it so I could have my initial appointment which costs $300 and is non refundable, but that I couldn't schedule surgery. SO WHY GO? What a wonderful birthday memory! An appointment with a surgeon where I tell him that I can't have surgery scheduled. INSANE!
She says she stays up at night crying in anguish over my surgery. She doesn't want me to do it. Now she claims we can't afford it. She is in full control and I am locked into a box I can't get out of.
My therapist warned me that she might assert control over me if I made more steps to forward transition. I stopped seeing her last week partially because my wife constantly asked me when I was quitting therapy since she has written the SRS letter. I worried that once I stopped, my wife would then slash at me since I have no one to go to for help. I had no idea it would be this awful. I can barely breathe. I want out of this relationship and away from here so bad but I can't and have no hope of ever getting free. I feel like a prisoner and I am afraid that my thoughts of ending it all will return. I'm fighting them now.
Maggie
Okay, Maggie, I want you pay attention to me. You are in an abusive relationship. You need to get out now. I know this is one of the hardest things you have ever had to do, but you need to get yourself safe immediately. Fear of your abuser and fear of making it on your own are the two biggest deterents to leaving, but you have got to put aside your learned helplessness long enough to do this one thing for yourself. Is that clear?
Hey Maggie I am so sorry for what you are going through but I do have some advice for you. My mother was kind of like that when I came out to her, always refusing to acknowledge who I am and what I was and how real it actually was. It sounds like your SO isn't even comfortable with acknowledging the fact that you are transsexual. Maybe you should try having a serious talk about it so she can understand its not a phase, its real. After all, why would you go through all of this headache if it wasnt true? Explain it to her like that in a serious demanding tone, because when you give them any leeway to take control of the conversation, they will try again to take control of you and that is not what you want. You have to stand up for yourself and dont let them control you. Try this before trying to move out so you can at least give it everything you've got before going to the ultimatum.
God bless you girl and good luck! I am praying for you!
Quote from: Lisbeth on July 22, 2008, 11:49:36 AM
Okay, Maggie, I want you pay attention to me. You are in an abusive relationship. You need to get out now. I know this is one of the hardest things you have ever had to do, but you need to get yourself safe immediately. Fear of your abuser and fear of making it on your own are the two biggest deterents to leaving, but you have got to put aside your learned helplessness long enough to do this one thing for yourself. Is that clear?
Yes, I know that I am in an abusive relationship. My therapist told me that I am a battered woman. She was helping me to deal with it and for a while my wife got better. She said she accepted that ->-bleeped-<- exists finally and started calling me Maggie. She does go out in public with me and acts perfectly normal most of the time. I came across a file on her laptop as I was working on it at her request. It was about anger management and how to diagnose and based on it, she needs to see a professional. It is true that I am afraid of her. Not physically, but emotionally. I feel that while I was in therapy, my wife behaved because she was concerned that I told what she did. In the early days she demanded that I not say anything about our marriage in therapy.
My therapist was suggesting that I need to leave too. However, we both came to this conclusion. I am a prisoner.
The fact is that I have nowhere to go. I have no money, I am completely dependent on her. I have no friends or relatives I can go to and no shelter is going to accept a pre-op transwoman. Even then, what to do I do? I've been homeless in my life. It is dangerous and this time I am so much more vulnerable. I won't last a week.
Maggie
Quote from: Maggie Kay on July 22, 2008, 11:35:42 AM
My therapist warned me that she might assert control over me if I made more steps to forward transition...
With everyone mentioning it being an "abusive" relationship, I'm guessing I don't know all the details of your relationship, but that being said...
She may also be trying to find some sense of control over *her* life, since your transition affects her too. She may feel her life and future are slipping through her fingers, and has no way to stop it. And the reality and finality of things like name changes and surgeries is often very, very difficult to deal with for any spouse. Up until then, it's still all kinda "just theory." But suddenly she's married to someone with a female name, and plans are being made to remove any chance of you ever being a male for her again... well, it ain't easy.
I'm not saying she's "right" in controlling these things, just that it might take time for her to adjust to the *reality* of your changes, for her to regain a sense of her own life security. The balance I tried to keep in my relationships was to allow others to control the SPEED at which I did things... to a point... but to never allow them to STOP me from doing them (no one ever tried though).
~Kate~
Quote from: Kate on July 22, 2008, 12:14:34 PM
Quote from: Maggie Kay on July 22, 2008, 11:35:42 AM
My therapist warned me that she might assert control over me if I made more steps to forward transition...
With everyone mentioning it being an "abusive" relationship, I'm guessing I don't know all the details of your relationship, but that being said...
She may also be trying to find some sense of control over *her* life, since your transition affects her too. She may feel her life and future are slipping through her fingers, and has no way to stop it. And the reality and finality of things like name changes and surgeries is often very, very difficult to deal with for any spouse. Up until then, it's still all kinda "just theory." But suddenly she's married to someone with a female name, and plans are being made to remove any chance of you ever being a male for her again... well, it ain't easy.
I'm not saying she's "right" in controlling these things, just that it might take time for her to adjust to the *reality* of your changes, for her to regain a sense of her own life security. The balance I tried to keep in my relationships was to allow others to control the SPEED at which I did things... to a point... but to never allow them to STOP me from doing them (no one ever tried though).
~Kate~
Kate,
I delayed my transition for seven years. I took hormones and dressed androgynous. All that time, we had discussions about my situation and she came up with all sorts of alternate causes. I was Schizo, Apsbergers, blunt force head trauma, paraphelic, and had a Severe Personality disorder all according to her. NONE were verified by four therapists and one shrink. She demanded that I stop seeing two of them. One because he would not allow her to tell him that I was clearly schizophrenic and demanded that I take medication. For her to let me see the last one, I had to agree to ask for the meds. When I told the therapist this, she said, that in no way was I schizo as she has dealt with many in the past. That she would not concur with my wife made my wife angry. She refused to ever meet with her or any therapist ever.
My wife is a highly educated woman (B.S. Geology) who worked as a medical transcriber in a mental hospital as well as a plastic surgeon and a heart transplant center at Duke University. She knows the lingo and what it means. She was personal assistant to the chairman of the Dept of Psychiatry at Duke too. She also worked in an AIDS clinic typing records, She knows what the diagnoses were and the treatments.
For a while, I lived under the threat of being sent in for a 24 hour hold in a psyche ward. If I get too upset, she brings that up.
Maggie
With or without some form of SRS, are you going to be happy in this situation in the end? SRS won't change everything else around you. It is not a magical operation.
Your partner does not have your best interests in mind. She is manipulating you for her own purposes and these purposes do not take in to account whether you are happy or not.
You will not truly be happy until you can face fears and get passed them. Fears of being alone, fears of having no money, fears of insecurity in general. You will have to face these fears to some degree to move on with your life.
This is about you being a powerful woman and facing the present. I can't tell you how this will happen, but you are going to have to take a big step forward.
Quote from: Maggie Kay on July 22, 2008, 12:07:37 PM
Quote from: Lisbeth on July 22, 2008, 11:49:36 AM
Okay, Maggie, I want you pay attention to me. You are in an abusive relationship. You need to get out now. I know this is one of the hardest things you have ever had to do, but you need to get yourself safe immediately. Fear of your abuser and fear of making it on your own are the two biggest deterents to leaving, but you have got to put aside your learned helplessness long enough to do this one thing for yourself. Is that clear?
Yes, I know that I am in an abusive relationship. My therapist told me that I am a battered woman. She was helping me to deal with it and for a while my wife got better.
Hon, abusers don't get better except on a
very temporary bases. Long term they only get worse and worse.
I agree that you need to get out and I empathize you being the secondary bread winner in the family. If I were you, I'd open a bank account somewhere and start sifting away whatever money I could get my hands on into that bank account. Make sure your wife doesn't know about it. My mom has a separate bank account that my dad didn't know about (but not for the same reasons, he's just a cheapskate and she wants to spend her own money). So it is possible for you to do this, you just have to be smart about it.
I want you to get out soon, but seeing as how it's not financially possible, please try to think of putting off your SRS for just a little while longer until you have enough money to leave your wife and be financially stable on your own. You've waited seven years, and I know how much you want it, but the better plan to me is getting out, then beginning to save money for SRS whenever you can, rather than staying, having your SRS and being ultimately unhappy in the long run. I hate to see people in situations this bad, please take care of yourself, don't do anything extreme.
Quote from: trapthavok on July 22, 2008, 01:27:40 PM
I want you to get out soon, but seeing as how it's not financially possible, please try to think of putting off your SRS for just a little while longer until you have enough money to leave your wife and be financially stable on your own...
What he said ^^^^ ;)
If you want out, you'll have to make a way. Maybe find a different job if need be to earn yourself financial independence from the situation? From what I'm reading, it sounds like you really need to do that anyway, regardless of the situation surrounding the gender issues.
~Kate~
Quote from: Kate on July 22, 2008, 02:03:09 PM
Quote from: trapthavok on July 22, 2008, 01:27:40 PM
I want you to get out soon, but seeing as how it's not financially possible, please try to think of putting off your SRS for just a little while longer until you have enough money to leave your wife and be financially stable on your own...
What he said ^^^^ ;)
If you want out, you'll have to make a way. Maybe find a different job if need be to earn yourself financial independence from the situation? From what I'm reading, it sounds like you really need to do that anyway, regardless of the situation surrounding the gender issues.
~Kate~
Second. And I just thought about it-- get two jobs if you can. Ever heard the phrase "By any means possible!!" I started out with two jobs this summer. It's not too difficult (I just was getting paid poorly, not even minimum wage.) I don't know what skills you can use to get a second job, but make sure it at least pays minimum wage :-/ Not that I'm encouraging such a low paying job, I'm just saying do what you can
Quote from: trapthavok on July 22, 2008, 02:09:54 PM
Ever heard the phrase "By any means possible!!"... I'm just saying do what you can
Exactly!
Transition can be an *incredible* motivating force. You may find yourself doing and achieving things you NEVER would have done before, or thought you COULD do. My wife in fact has told me she actually felt kinda safe from me ever transitioning, because it's just not something the Old Me could have pulled of.
In FACT, I sometimes think the liberation I feel now... the freedom and empowerment... isn't so much because "I'm a girl," so much as I learned through transitioning that I can pretty do ANYTHING, once I set my stubborn, obsessive/compulsive mind to it, lol. The chains and walls imprisoning me were all mostly self-imposed.
~Kate~
I don't want to throw away all my work in building this four year old business. It is small but growing and I am well known as a prominent designer. The business is international and in a few years, it may provide a very comfortable income. I lost my last business because of an international boycott of American made products when GW invaded IRAQ. I pulled this one from the ashes of that last one. I did this WHILE I coped with this horrible home life.
So the idea that I have to run to a shelter and become a minimum wage worker or a greeter at Walmart kinda isn't my career goal. I am 57 and that does limit what I can do. I have severe vision problems making many clerical jobs very difficult for me to do because I can't read intensely. I lost my vision in one eye due to a macular pucker. The other fatigues very quickly in stressful or close focus situations making me essentially blind for a while. I CAN do this business. It is my only hope for my future and amazingly my wife has all her hopes pinned on it too. She did materially help in the preparation of the web page and documents. She rightly does have a stake in it.
An amazing thing happened while I was out mailing some orders. I was pretty down and actually sinking emotionally. I drove on a street and just after the last turn off, I noticed the police ahead were directing all traffic into a CEMETERY! There was an accident just ahead on the street and the only place to shunt traffic was through the graveyard. Suddenly, I am in a line of cars with graves on both sides of the small lane. It was bumper to bumper so I had lots of time to read the grave stones. I wondered what the heck was happening to me as I was thinking before what it would be like to swim out into the bay and let my body sink beneath the waves. Instead, I just saw grave after grave. The last one was a child's grave. It had a small wind catching toy on it. I started to cry and cry. All these people have no more hopes. Their story is over with no more possibility of a future. I realized that I don't want to join them. I want to live and I do love being Maggie. I have never been so happy in the midst of all this sadness.
I resolved to press on. I may not be able to get surgery because of my wife, but I am Margaret Kay now and I will change my Social Security records tomorrow. I will not fight my wife but I will hope that what GOD started will be fulfilled. It was not an accident that I had to go through that cemetery. Surely, it will somehow get better. If she is standing in his way, he will move her out. He did once before with my ex wife. One day, it was over and she was gone from my life. Maybe, it will happen again.
Thank you all for your help and comments. I really needed this today.
Maggie
Maggie Honey,
I have just read the thread. My Ex tried to pull the small kind of stuff on me. The thing she did not realize is that she use to tell me of her abusive relationships and I know the signs. If your business is webbed based you can operate it anywhere as long as there is a computer.
Honey you need to GET OUT OF THERE, NOW. Emotional abuse is still abuse. Don't let it grow to physical abuse. Call shelters and see if you can be let in under the circumstances.
Please be careful and watch your literal and physiologic back.
Take care my Dear.
Love,
Janet
Hmmm... I've never put any of these where someone from Susan's could see them, but...
QuoteReflections on Sexual Ethics #3
Domestic Violence
Lisbeth Kellogg, 10/16/2007
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Evolved from the first Day of Unity observed by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, its intent is to help end domestic violence against women and their children. While most domestic violence in the United States is perpetrated by men against women and children, it is also an issue in homosexual families.
Domestic violence involves "a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person with whom an intimate relationship is or has been shared through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence." Once begun this behavior does not go away but increases in frequency and severity. Often victims are reluctant to seek help. This may be because of a codependent relationship with the perpetrator, or due to fear of reprisal. Sometimes fear of homophobic law enforcement, legal, and medical systems will keep LGBT victims from seeking help.
The hardest thing a victim may have to do is make the decision to leave the abusive situation and then following through on that decision. At that point a safe place to go is imperative. While friends and other family members may provide sanctuary, often the victim will end up in a safe-house or battered shelter. Safe-houses for victims are often overcrowded and underfunded, but the situation is frequently worse for GLBT victims. Facility managers may be reluctant to deal with homosexual victims, and are sometimes hostile toward transgender victims. A closely related issue is teenage homelessness. It has been estimated that 75% of homeless teenagers are GLBT youth escaping parental violence.
What can you do to help? First read the report on "Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Domestic Violence in the United States in 2006" by the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs. Then do what you can to support anti-violence programs in your community. Encourage your pastor to give a sermon on domestic violence. Help volunteer and raise money to support battered women shelters and shelters for runaway youth. And pray for all those who have been abused, for those who are trying to help them, and also pray for those who have abused them.
Here are some programs. There are more in your area.
http://www.outfront.org/programs/av.html (http://www.outfront.org/programs/av.html)
http://www.ncadv.org/takeaction/DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth_134.html (http://www.ncadv.org/takeaction/DomesticViolenceAwarenessMonth_134.html)
http://www.bridgeforyouth.org/ (http://www.bridgeforyouth.org/)
DISCLAIMER: The views expressed herein are solely those of the author and not necessarily those of Lutherans Concerned/North America, its staff, officers, volunteers, or members.
You must leave. Figure out how to do it. Squirrel as much money you can into a pot she has no access to. Find a better paying job and leave. Don't tell her where you have gone, where you live, or your phone number.
Just get out as soon as possible. You can't afford to wait. REALLY
Cindi
I'll vote with the "get out as soon as possible and don't stop to close the door behind you" voters in this poll, Maggie. You are doubting your own ability and she is reenforcing that in you every day you two are together.
Yes, luv, it is abuse -- soul-sapping and fierce. Go, please. You can afford to, what you can't afford is not to.
Nichole
I'm in a very similar situation.
Shelter Plus
P. O. Box 3584, Salinas, CA 93912
(408) 442-3024 (bus.)
(408) 442-3026 (fax)
Support Network For Battered Women
200 Blossom Ln 3rd Fl
Mountain View, California 94041
United States of America
Tel: (415) 940-7850
Women's Safety Project
870 Market St # 855
San Francisco, California 94102
United States of America
Tel: (415) 395-9895
E-Mail: wysp@slip.net
URL: http://www.slip.net/~wysp/index.html
Community United Against Violence
973 Market St #500
San Francisco, California 94103
United States of America
Tel: 415-777-5500
FAX: 415-777-5565
URL: http://www.xq.com/cuav/index.html
Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island St # 304
San Francisco, California 94103
United States of America
Tel: (415) 252-8900
FAX: (415) 252-8991
E-Mail: fund@endabuse.org
URL: http://www.endabuse.org
Health Resource Center On Domestic Violence
383 Rhode Island # 304
San Francisco, California 94103
United States of America
URL: http://www.fvpf.org/fund/healthcare/
Woman Inc (Women Organized To Make Abuse Nonexistent)
333 Valencia St #251
San Francisco, California 94103
United States of America
Tel: (415) 864-4777
An update.
Yesterday, Cheryl called me from work and said that our daughter needed to help a friend and couldn't pick her up. I was asked to drive over to the office and get her. I wondered if she had arranged this because of the "discussion" that came next. I told her in the van that I didn't want to discuss any issue other than pleasantries and that as far as I was concerned, we are to act like friends only. This was and is her stated desire. However, she then proceeded to say that she didn't want to proceed down that path and wanted to discuss my problems with the surgery delay. She doesn't understand why it is a a problem for me to delay elective surgery until next year. By my insistence that I need it now, I am jeopardizing the family security. Supposedly, we will be able to run this charge through an HSA next year and get a big savings. That is if her company continues the plan. She has repeatedly told me that they probably will drop or radically change the coverage as they do this almost every year. So I am in doubt that her story is really based in fact. So in spite of several attempts to stop the conversation, I finally got snarled into another four hour marathon argument.
We talked about my concerns, starting with my birthday celebration.
For starters, I said," You gave me money. We never give money. You said that you couldn't figure out what to buy me but there is a whole mall full of women's clothes and jewelry. You commented on how my nightgown is in tatters, why didn't you buy me one? The money was stuffed in the card not even folded. You didn't have my name on the cake and didn't sing happy birthday."
She said," We have given each other money lots of times. Don't you remember? I am not going to buy you women's things other than necklaces and earrings. ( She gets these from a coworker for a huge discount.) Certainly not a nightgown, I wouldn't know what to buy. The money was folded in a Japanese convention as a artistic gesture. You asked us not to sing, Ahhh, you don't remember, do you? The name on the cake? You are being petty and mean. You don't accept our support and love. You have no compassion for us."
OK, once again she is trying to insinuate that my memory is failing. She claims that I forget and misremember things because it really shuts me down when she does it. I write these conversations down because of that. She often turns my claims of being hurt into that I am attacking her.
Then she proceeded to talk about sex. She said."You are just angry because you want sex from me. I am not a lesbian and cannot have sex with a woman. Don't you see that you are being respected by this? If I did, I would continue to view you as Kurt. You have been dropping hints all over the place that you are horny like saying "Hot saks" while we watch love scenes in movies. You said it many times every night. "
I, in fact, said it one time when we watched Austin Powers. I am not horny, Spiro has destroyed my sex drive. In fact, she doesn't turn me on much now. She has stopped shaving her legs and wears worn out old lingerie and clothes. She is obsessed with sex. She went on to say that when I hug her it is a sexual thing. "Women don't hug each other" she said several times. I agreed not to hug or kiss her on the cheek goodbye.
Then she went on to say "You wouldn't have sex with me for years ( ten years ago) so I learned how to live without it." This is so not true. At the time, I was making disposable sex toys buying erotic videos designed for women and actual sex toys for us to use. She has blocked all of that out.
Finally she said, "You don't know but many many women who have a baby think twice about having sex again. I almost died in childbirth it changed my sex drive and I lost interest in sex, I have no sex drive at all now"
This is so not true too. Last month she admitted that she slashed out at me because she is so horny and cannot have sex with me because I am a woman,
I took my wedding band off and she asked if she could keep it.
The really sad thing is that early on in my transition nine years ago, when we first confronted the possibility that I was trans, she said she was devastated and angry because she LIKED IT! She didn't and doesn't want to like it. She went on to admit that she has had fantasies about wearing a strap on and giving it to a woman. SO this was an example of why she hates ->-bleeped-<- in me. It forces her to confront her own lesbian desires. She is homophobic and most of the problems we discussed over the years was when women made advances to her at her jobs. One offered her a three way with me. The last big one was her boss who was a lesbian and the woman asked her to buy flowers for the woman's lover. She quit her job over it saying that her boss was coming on to her. We nearly got evicted over it.
Now for the icing on the cake. I have agreed to delay the surgery because I have no choice. She is now thinking about taking a vacation in the fall. She said," I hope this isn't a problem for you?"
I said,"Your timing is incredible."
This morning, she overslept. I didn't know how to deal with this because she has insisted that we live as friends not lovers and anything could be construed as a sexual advance. So I poured my coffee and instead of pouring hers and waking her up, I took my coffee to bed. We have had coffee together every morning for 23 years .
When she did wake up she came into my room and complained that I was making a statement. I had ruined her morning. Why didn't I wake her up? Why didn't I pour her coffee? I was being mean again, according to her. Now, she has an alarm clock and it is set to go off and she never sleeps in. Why today?
After breakfast, she again talked about what she wanted to do on her vacation now that surgery is delayed until next year. She feels that the surgery thing is delayed until next spring as she knows I have to get an appt and fit into his schedule. "Surgeons have cancellations all the time" she said,
Then she said, "We should pass as sisters to others and friends without benefits to each other but you are still my soulmate. "
Weird, I am apparently remembering wrong, interpreting wrong, abusive and callous, and have ignored her sexually for most of our marriage. Who was I having sex with then? Must have been a dream.
Maggie
Maggie,
I am wondering something, sorry to pry into your personal business, but is she talking about her taking a vacation by herself or the two of you. And is she going to use the money you had set aside for your surgery.
The arguments that she is using are just meant to manipulate you into doing things her way. I now that you still care for her, but she is not thinking about you.
It might be a good thing if she goes away on vacation herself. You could use the time apart to find other accommodations and leave.
Please be very careful. I, like others here are afraid for you.
Love,
Janet
Maggie,
Liz was absolutely right yesterday. This is escalating, not de-escalating. It will continue to do so until you either break-down or she starts physically hurting you as well.
For what it's worth I think you are right about it all being about her own issues. Of course, emotional and physical violence is always about the dominant's issues and not the subordinate's issues. However, the fact that you are right isn't going to allow you to "convince" her of that. Attempts to do so will very likely only see her escalate the emotional violnce until it ranges to the physical.
I'm worried for you, sweetie. Please make a plan to leave.
Hugs,
Nichole
I have been working on finding a way to leave but as I said earlier, my options are extremely limited.
I looked at the shelter idea and frankly, that is terrifying for me at the stage of transition I am in. The nearest is Salinas and that city is mostly desperately poor Hispanic and most Monterey peninsula residents won't go there. The shelter would be full of hispanic women and we know that TS in Hispanic culture is not tolerated.
The vacation was not specified. I am not sure if the money was involved but the time off from work to help me recover was in it.
She has taken out a separate bank account with her name on it and a PO box in another town. She did it the last time I said I wanted to leave. When I recanted, she closed the account and now I have a key to the PO box. My problem is that she controls all the money we make and she accounts for every penny in our accounting software. There is no way for me to squirrel away any money at all without her knowing it.
The money we have saved came from a big sale that I made in December and it enabled us to move and pay all the setup expenses for our new rental. In that one sale, I made half of her annual salary. Sadly, that cannot happen again as I no longer manufacture that product. My vision won't allow me to work full time, yet it is good enough to keep me from being considered disabled. I can drive safely but not at night.
I know and appreciate the danger I am in. I know that every step I take to fulfill my womanhood, puts me in more danger. I am aware of the possibilites. Cheryl came from an abusive family and she was beaten to the point of bleeding every Sunday morning from age 6 to 14 by her father who was a minister of a small church in Indiana that he founded. The beatings happened for things like her leaving soap in the tub or sometimes they were because of something she was expected to do but had not done yet. Sometimes, she was beaten just for his pleasure. Her mother did nothing to stop it and denied that it ever happened. Cheryl did not know that she was an abused child until a therapist told her in a six month session in 1985.
We went back home, while I was out of work and confronted her parents about the abuse. She wanted to come to forgiveness and reconciliation. Instead, they had the police come and put us and our infant daughter in a motel room on the edge of town with no car or money. Three days later, strangers came and gave us cash and we left for California. We were homeless for about six months going from church to church.
Eventually, Cheryl got a job as a transcriber and we got an apartment. I stayed home with the baby and built a computer from surplus parts to continue my software development. Eventually, it generated over 1.5 million dollars in sales. Much of that went to our daughter's childhood and college education. When we lost the business we lost most of the rest trying to save it. Eventually, we went bankrupt. Now I have this small business and it is my last chance given my limitations. I am a very well known designer and it is a wonderful business.
If I know Cheryl at all, I don't think she will go violent. She has never lifted a finger in anger towards me or our daughter. No spankings no hitting. Not even hand gestures that symbolize violence. She can't watch violence on TV or in Movies.
She can however, twist the words and slice me up emotionally but she has taken the big gun and used it. Standing in the way of my surgery is huge. She is completely at peace with this now. It is my task to pull myself together and keep looking for a door. If I ever find one, I promise that I will take it.
I'm off to the SSA for my name change.
Maggie
Quote from: Maggie Kay on July 23, 2008, 11:20:18 AM
I have been working on finding a way to leave but as I said earlier, my options are extremely limited.
I looked at the shelter idea and frankly, that is terrifying for me at the stage of transition I am in. The nearest is Salinas and that city is mostly desperately poor Hispanic and most Monterey peninsula residents won't go there. The shelter would be full of hispanic women and we know that TS in Hispanic culture is not tolerated.
Think about contacting the group in Mountain View. It's farther than Salinas, but it should be safer.
It maybe what it seems but as my therapist told me that she would not talk about our marriage without my wife being there or at least get the other side of the story. If you are in trouble, you need to leave and you also need to see a therapist to help you through all this.
I have been seeing a therapist. In fact, most of my trans sessions were about how I am to protect myself from her abuse. When I got the letter, my wife pressured me to stop. Now, I am pretty sure, I will restart as I need a place to go to let some of this hurt out. My therapist is wonderful she has been helping a lot. Cheryl won't go to any therapist with me or without me. She says she is finished with them after the last two refused to agree with her diagnosis that I am schizophrenic. She took that as a personal affront.
As for getting out, that is very very difficult so I can be safe. I would have to throw away my only hope and a designing business that I dearly love. After that, I would be living in a one room walkup with a bed and a TV and totally alone. I don't think I can take that mentally. I would not be able to come here because I couldn't afford internet access. That would be devastating. I gotta find a way that is gradual and preserves my future. I have no retirement funds no assets, I have to be very careful. I know it is a balance of two evils. Right now, there is not much out there that looks any better.
Maggie
Maggie, what you need isn't therapy, you need a good lawyer. I assume you're legally married. California is a community property state so half of everything she contributes is yours. In other words if you get your hands on the money and take half of it, you are within your rights. A lawyer will find a way to get you some money. That's what they do! Who knows, you may even get alimony.
Oh yes, I am married.
There really isn't money left over to split. If I go, she loses the ability to pay utilities and food and all other non rent items. So the stakes are pretty high for both of us. Lawyers in my experience are such a last resort thing. Talk about hemorrhaging money! Still, it is worth the notion that it may come to that. Thank you, Claire.
Maggie
Quote from: Maggie Kay on July 23, 2008, 07:01:24 PM
Lawyers in my experience are such a last resort thing. Talk about hemorrhaging money!
Yes. I opened my latest bill from my lawyer. I have now spent my GRS money. Good thing I had already given up plans for GRS, or I would be having an emotional crisis right about now.
Quote from: Maggie Kay on July 23, 2008, 04:42:57 PM
As for getting out, that is very very difficult so I can be safe. I would have to throw away my only hope and a designing business that I dearly love. After that, I would be living in a one room walkup with a bed and a TV and totally alone. I don't think I can take that mentally. I would not be able to come here because I couldn't afford internet access. That would be devastating. I gotta find a way that is gradual and preserves my future. I have no retirement funds no assets, I have to be very careful. I know it is a balance of two evils. Right now, there is not much out there that looks any better.
Maggie
Sometimes that is what it takes, that step into the unkown, that ultimate sacrifice.
I have been there Maggie, I had to leave a job, a home, a family and do exactly what you are scared of doing, because that was my only option.
Staying in the relationship you are in is only prolonging the inevitable, staying together because it is the 'safe" thing for both of you today is not benefiting you both. It is time for you both to take that step outside the comfort zone and sever the bond that keeps you together... which is fear of the future.
For 6 months I lived in a one bedroom flat, no job and apparently no future, but determined I would see this through to the end and rebuild my life. That I have done, rebuilding my life, starting my own business and in the process finding my self respect, confidence and a resolve I never knew I had.
I once had as my moto, "You cannot explore the oceans if you are to afraid to leave the shore", leaving the shore was the hardest, scariest thing I ever did, but In the end it was the best for myself and my family.
I feel its your time to leave the shore.
Buffy
Quote from: Buffy on July 24, 2008, 07:27:24 AM
Quote from: Maggie Kay on July 23, 2008, 04:42:57 PM
As for getting out, that is very very difficult so I can be safe. I would have to throw away my only hope and a designing business that I dearly love. After that, I would be living in a one room walkup with a bed and a TV and totally alone. I don't think I can take that mentally. I would not be able to come here because I couldn't afford internet access. That would be devastating. I gotta find a way that is gradual and preserves my future. I have no retirement funds no assets, I have to be very careful. I know it is a balance of two evils. Right now, there is not much out there that looks any better.
Maggie
I once had as my moto, "You cannot explore the oceans if you are to afraid to leave the shore", leaving the shore was the hardest, scariest thing I ever did, but In the end it was the best for myself and my family.
I feel its your time to leave the shore.
Buffy
Step into the abyss...
-Sandy
Quote from: Buffy on July 24, 2008, 07:27:24 AM
Quote from: Maggie Kay on July 23, 2008, 04:42:57 PM
As for getting out, that is very very difficult so I can be safe. I would have to throw away my only hope and a designing business that I dearly love. After that, I would be living in a one room walkup with a bed and a TV and totally alone. I don't think I can take that mentally. I would not be able to come here because I couldn't afford internet access. That would be devastating. I gotta find a way that is gradual and preserves my future. I have no retirement funds no assets, I have to be very careful. I know it is a balance of two evils. Right now, there is not much out there that looks any better.
Maggie
Sometimes that is what it takes, that step into the unkown, that ultimate sacrifice.
I have been there Maggie, I had to leave a job, a home, a family and do exactly what you are scared of doing, because that was my only option.
Staying in the relationship you are in is only prolonging the inevitable, staying together because it is the 'safe" thing for both of you today is not benefiting you both. It is time for you both to take that step outside the comfort zone and sever the bond that keeps you together... which is fear of the future.
For 6 months I lived in a one bedroom flat, no job and apparently no future, but determined I would see this through to the end and rebuild my life. That I have done, rebuilding my life, starting my own business and in the process finding my self respect, confidence and a resolve I never knew I had.
I once had as my moto, "You cannot explore the oceans if you are to afraid to leave the shore", leaving the shore was the hardest, scariest thing I ever did, but In the end it was the best for myself and my family.
I feel its your time to leave the shore.
Buffy
I did this once in my life leaving my job, family, friends behind putting what I could in a station wagon and driving across country to live here in California. I was 34 then and at the peak of my earnings potential. It was a nightmare then, now, at 57, in not great health, with the past dogging me and no money, how am I to make it even one week? Even a one bedroom apt here starts at $1000 a month. I'd need to move to another part of the state and there is no money to do that. I need space to run my business even assuming I could move it. i can walk into an abyss but at this point, the abyss is suicide. I need something that will work.
I am seeing my therapist on Tuesday. Things around here are escalating and I am worried. Yes, I know that the bulk of the advise is to go but I have other considerations too. If I go, my daughter will be devastated. She is just beginning her new job and plans to make a career of it. She lives with us and we are close. If I go, she and Cheryl will be alone here and Cheryl might flip out. She probably will flip out leaving our daughter alone and in crisis too. It will change her life. It could derail her career.
If I had any chance of making it alone, I'd do it. I know what it is like out there alone and homeless. It is a cold heartless world out there. In fact, I was homeless twice and I know. Some people might take me in but in a few weeks, they will be more than willing to throw me out. Not because I am a problem, it is because people want assurances that they haven't taken someone in permanently. When we were homeless, we went to the churches and were put up in homes. It never lasted more than a couple weeks before we were placed in another one until finally one just told us to leave. We left for a motel and after paying for one night, we had ten cents. Cheryl managed to get a temp job typing which saved us from the street.
I can sit on the street with a cardboard sign saying "Homeless, Will work for food". A homeless transwoman alone won't last a week. Why would I sign up for that? Better to be stabbed to death in the night in my own bed.
Maggie
Maggie,
We all understand about your situation. But we are worried that you are in serious danger. If you have to stay then make sure your daughter is very aware of what is going on and that you feel like you are in danger.
I know that you know it, but more women are killed by a abusive loved one and she does have an abused background.
Just please be careful and let someone in your circle know, someone that can check up on you occasionally.
Stay safety, watch out for yourself please.
Love,
Janet
Quote from: Janet Lynn on July 24, 2008, 12:47:46 PM
Maggie,
We all understand about your situation. But we are worried that you are in serious danger. If you have to stay then make sure your daughter is very aware of what is going on and that you feel like you are in danger.
I know that you know it, but more women are killed by a abusive loved one and she does have an abused background.
Just please be careful and let someone in your circle know, someone that can check up on you occasionally.
Stay safety, watch out for yourself please.
Love,
Janet
Janet,
I am so grateful for all the well meaning advise here. I am aware of the danger and I have decided that with no better option, I have to risk it. I am prepared should the unthinkable happen. I have written my last letters to all my children and have them in a safe place where they will be found should something happen to me. I knew that transition was a one way ticket and that I might not make it. If something happens and I am no more, I will have at least known what it is to experience the happiness of being Maggie at least for a while. That is so much better than to never have done it. I have no regrets. This life is not comprehensible and we never know when it is over. I am hopeful that I will be able to have a future even with the situation I have today.
She has now forced me to agree that I will only see my therapist once a month and that will only be until January when it must stop. I was forced to agree that the orchi is the only trans expense I will ever have. NO FFS, NO facial hair removal, no vaginoplasty. Nothing.
She is taking some of the cash to see a therapist. She refused to see the free clinic that she sent me to last year and wants a paid therapist. I assume it is over her self diagnosis that she needs anger management. Something is better than nothing. She is behaving strangely. She got up at 4:50 and had a shower making soft banging sounds in there. She has a strange look on her face, too very strained and penetrating looks. I did actually worry that I might get it psycho style in the shower this morning. It didn't happen, I was overreacting. Still, I know it is worrisome.
There are people that I can call, my doctor said I could call her anytime as she is aware of the circumstances and is a colleague of my therapist. I also have Sheena in Santa Cruz who calls me every day so I am not completely alone. Thankfully, I am alone here in the house and I have the family vehicle. I don't have to worry about being ambushed by my wife coming home early.
Hopefully, there will be a way out of this dark forest. I'm looking.
Maggie
Posted on: July 24, 2008, 01:44:02 PM
I have spent the weekend typing like mad. I lost myself in writing my novel. It was a great diversion. However, I felt that there was a demon lurking over my shoulder every second. The specter of the life I must lead haunts me. It hovers over me like a shrouded figure promising doom and destruction. My novel allows me to escape this creature and to peer into the screen instead of looking into the darkness of the house. I cling to the memories and the made up world that I created for the story that I am creating. It sustains me, protects me and shields me from the despair of reality. I wrote over 10000 words over the weekend and it was marvelous. Still, my nights are filled with nightmares and waking up every hour. My mornings are full of dread as I know it is required that I have coffee with Jane. I cannot dare to skip this hollow ritual or there are consequences. I tried to write today but could only manage to edit a few passages. Finally, in desperation, I re-discovered a long lost remedy and one that I used for years before the turn of the century. ALCOHOL.
Quote from: Maggie Kay on August 04, 2008, 07:16:44 PM
Finally, in desperation, I re-discovered a long lost remedy and one that I used for years before the turn of the century. ALCOHOL.
Alcohol is
not a remedy. It's not even a good escape. Please, reconsider what everyone has told you.
Lisbeth
Quote from: Maggie Kay on August 04, 2008, 07:16:44 PM
Posted on: July 24, 2008, 01:44:02 PM
I have spent the weekend typing like mad. I lost myself in writing my novel. It was a great diversion. However, I felt that there was a demon lurking over my shoulder every second. The specter of the life I must lead haunts me. It hovers over me like a shrouded figure promising doom and destruction. My novel allows me to escape this creature and to peer into the screen instead of looking into the darkness of the house. I cling to the memories and the made up world that I created for the story that I am creating. It sustains me, protects me and shields me from the despair of reality. I wrote over 10000 words over the weekend and it was marvelous. Still, my nights are filled with nightmares and waking up every hour. My mornings are full of dread as I know it is required that I have coffee with Jane. I cannot dare to skip this hollow ritual or there are consequences. I tried to write today but could only manage to edit a few passages. Finally, in desperation, I re-discovered a long lost remedy and one that I used for years before the turn of the century. ALCOHOL.
There is no problem so trivial that it can't be made worse by the addition of alcohol. :'(
Yes, I know, Stupid. But I was going to ask my therapist for drugs to help me cope as that is all I have left. Alcohol seemed like a short term solution until I see her on Friday.
Maggie
Posted on: August 04, 2008, 07:42:45 PM
Hey,I didn't mean to call anyone stupid. I was saying I did a stupid thing. I wrote it while I was tipsy and didn't realize that it could be interpreted that I was calling someone stupid. I really apologize if that came across like that to anyone. It was incredibly stupid to drink again. I finished a bottle that had initially been started in 1999 and was my "don't touch alcohol" bottle. I once had a very serious drinking problem. I had the worst nightmare ever last night and woke up in a sweat. I felt absolutely horrible. Alcohol and Spiro don't mix. My heart raced like I was running a marathon. The one good thing that came from it is that my wife asked me to call and schedule to see my therapist this morning. I have an appointment already that she doesn't know about because she forced me to agree to stop seeing her but once a month and my therapist would not agree to that. The therapist says I am in crisis. At least, I don't have to fabricate a fancy excuse to see her now.
Oh, yes, my wife saw her gender therapist yesterday and this morning she tells me "I am sorry for how I treated you, what you did was not intentional" She wouldn't go into it further but I assume that she meant being trans is not my fault now. I'll take that.
Once again, so so sorry for the miscue.
Maggie
Quote from: Maggie Kay on August 05, 2008, 09:34:11 AM
The therapist says I am in crisis.
I agree. I worry about you.
Lisbeth
Oh, Maggie! I just saw this thread. I'm so sorry, honey, that you are having to go through this. Most of it has already been said: You are in an abusive relationship and you need to find a way to get out. I guess I don't understand why you would lose your business, but I'll take your word for it. Your "wife" is acting like a lioness trainer. She is cracking the whip to create both her reality and yours, while inside your heart, you long to run and leap. She's got you trained well. My suspicion is that this would be going on whether you had trans issues or not. I would never blame the victim (you), but there are are some things you really need to consider. What you are doing is trying to be a healthy person, physically and mentally. She doesn't want you well. Forgive me sweetie, but I'm not entirely convinced you totally want it either because she has only the control you allow her to have. It may be miserable as can be, but it is predictable, and in that respect, comfortable. When you make any move toward being healthy, the result is a foregone conclusion: She does whatever it takes to put you back in your place. And back you go. There will need to be an issue where you stand your ground, and soon. Start with something small but worthwhile, and stick to it. Force her to adjust this time. Be ready for her to release her onslaught, but have none of it. Once the dust settles, do it again. Then again and again in small increments until you are where you need to be to be whole, regardless of whether or not your relationship can be salvaged.
Well so much for the lesson in systems therapy. You are a wonderful woman and I truly want the best for you.
Peace,
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
anyone reading this thread would be deeply worried about you maggie
im so sorry your having to deal with this ontop of all the issues we have as well. i wont patronise you or repeat what other people have said so much better but i really hope you can come up with a secondary plan that will help you out.
I know you hanging in there for your family but at some point it must be about maggie too. If only you could start putting money away for youself and start to become empowered.
Hugs and please remember many people are rooting for you.
Quote from: Maggie Kay on August 04, 2008, 07:16:44 PM
I am aware of the danger and I have decided that with no better option, I have to risk it. I am prepared should the unthinkable happen.
Nope, you are not aware of it. You would like to be and so imagine that saying she will kill me will make it not happen.
No one is ever "aware of the danger." We always truly believe it will pass us by; avert it's course before we meet it head-on. Like the Shahs of Khwarezm we believe our empire will easily defeat the Golden Horde. We think that even as we die: "This cannot be the end."
QuoteShe has now forced me to agree that I will only see my therapist once a month and that will only be until January when it must stop. I was forced to agree that the orchi is the only trans expense I will ever have. NO FFS, NO facial hair removal, no vaginoplasty. Nothing.
Well, that sounds like a compromise. Doesn't it?
QuoteSomething is better than nothing. She is behaving strangely. She got up at 4:50 and had a shower making soft banging sounds in there. She has a strange look on her face, too very strained and penetrating looks. I did actually worry that I might get it psycho style in the shower this morning. It didn't happen, I was overreacting. Still, I know it is worrisome.
Your complete subjugation is something. Soon she will tire of playing. You're simply going to be too passive to amuse her and her anger will lash at you for it.
QuoteThere are people that I can call, my doctor said I could call her anytime as she is aware of the circumstances and is a colleague of my therapist. I also have Sheena in Santa Cruz who calls me every day so I am not completely alone. Thankfully, I am alone here in the house and I have the family vehicle. I don't have to worry about being ambushed by my wife coming home early.
Those people will arrive in time to protect you? Seldom does anyone get a chance to call anyone when the tsunami comes, Maggie.
QuoteHopefully, there will be a way out of this dark forest. I'm looking.
There is. You simply do not care for what you see as the choices you can still make. The light isn't in the dark forest. It's outside it. The way is whatever way brings you through the trees. Anyway but dying, luv. Dying neither in body nor soul.
QuoteI have spent the weekend typing like mad. I lost myself in writing my novel. It was a great diversion. However, I felt that there was a demon lurking over my shoulder every second. The specter of the life I must lead haunts me. It hovers over me like a shrouded figure promising doom and destruction.
Yes. Typing. Being in the world of your novel and that wonderful alcohol drug that bites you the next day. Oblivion, sweet release!
Oblivion is no answer for the living, luv.
QuoteMy novel allows me to escape this creature and to peer into the screen instead of looking into the darkness of the house. I cling to the memories and the made up world that I created for the story that I am creating. It sustains me, protects me and shields me from the despair of reality. I wrote over 10000 words over the weekend and it was marvelous.
Your novel doesn't protect you, no more so than not seeing horror makes it disappear. The Nazis discovered that it's much easier to make bodies than to dispose of them without a trace. They rise up through the earth after the rain and make a great stench throughout the landscape.
Ya know, I am truly hating myself for writing this to you. You are so nice and delicate and just plain wonderful. It's a horrid chore that I feel I must see through. But I shall surely hate myself for doing it. *sigh*
Yes, reality. But what do you know of that? You've made reality out to be living in a prison abuse horror or living in a homeless shelter and being abused by its inmates and other street people.
Abuse everywhere you turn. That's always what the victim sees: their own abuse everywhere written into the hearts of everyone.
There are other avenues. You simply cannot grasp that there are. No matter who points out to you that other possibilities exist.
QuoteStill, my nights are filled with nightmares and waking up every hour. My mornings are full of dread as I know it is required that I have coffee with Jane. I cannot dare to skip this hollow ritual or there are consequences. I tried to write today but could only manage to edit a few passages. Finally, in desperation, I re-discovered a long lost remedy and one that I used for years before the turn of the century. ALCOHOL.
So you dread, you are troubled by horrid dreams -- what are they, Maggie, those dreams? What monsters lurk in your sleep? They are dreams of escaping this aren't they? Imagining what terrible horrors lie outside the prison of your protection.
Not much different than the institutionally trained prisoner contemplating release and his or her own inability to cope with "life on the outside." No difference at all. You are a prisoner.
QuoteOh, yes, my wife saw her gender therapist yesterday and this morning she tells me "I am sorry for how I treated you, what you did was not intentional" She wouldn't go into it further but I assume that she meant being trans is not my fault now. I'll take that.
Another apology? Gotta hold onto you, ya know? Make sure the thing that keeps her knowing that she is not the most miserable soul on the planet is still available: you, luv. She wants to keep you. So she'll cajole and apologize. But she'll tire of that too, as soon as she's mollified you enough to keep you in place.
The more sure she becomes that you'll never, ever, never leave the more she'll go back to the old ways. But their force will escalate: just like her father escalated. You've been in recovery. You know what happens when the addiction is fed, doncha? It doesn't get better, love. It just won't. It will only grow.
She'll follow the program to keep you, keep you chained. And you will sit there, bleak and troubled, still in fear, waiting for the knell to sound and the executioner to sing his song.
O, Maggie, you've given up! On yourself. You've given up. Please don't, don't give up. Don't die.
Dammit, now I truly hate myself. I've made you cry.
Make it worth the effort and the loathing, my dear.
Embrace the truth that you are neither alone, unloved nor incapable of making the break. Please do it before you are broken. :icon_hug:
Nichole
Nichole,
I can't thank you enough for your thoughts. You poured your heart into the words. I did too. Perhaps too much as that is my nature to be open and let my feelings flow. I have applied for jobs for twenty three years and have gotten one offer. That one included sex with my new boss so I declined. I applied for a college science and math tutor job last week but that seemed to go nowhere. This does make my view of my survival out there in the light doubtful. I'm almost disabled, in terrible emotional state and halfway through my transition. I've been homeless and the kindest people turned me and my baby daughter out after three weeks. That was years ago but, people are the same. I saw it over and over back then. Good church people in four separate churches across the country followed the same pattern. Help only for a few weeks then it's please leave.
Do you really know that there is a way for me to make it, alone and in my state of mind? Really?
I realize I presented a no win scenario here. I am in a box that I can't get out if and most likely won't. I shouldn't have burdened you all with such a lost cause. I am in God's hands and it will take a miracle to keep me going. However, I have been the recipient of many miracles so I do hope for another. Surely, He/She in heaven won't abandon me now.
Maggie
Quote from: Nichole on August 05, 2008, 04:28:17 PM
QuoteShe has now forced me to agree that I will only see my therapist once a month and that will only be until January when it must stop. I was forced to agree that the orchi is the only trans expense I will ever have. NO FFS, NO facial hair removal, no vaginoplasty. Nothing.
Well, that sounds like a compromise. Doesn't it?
I agree with Nichole. The only thing that got compromised was your values.
Quote from: Maggie Kay on August 05, 2008, 05:51:38 PM
Do you really know that there is a way for me to make it, alone and in my state of mind? Really?
Maggie, there are very few guarantees in the world, and you're not going to get one now. But I
can guarantee one thing:
If you don't get out, you will not make it whether alone or not. Really.
Lisbeth