Do I need to go en femme to the first therapy session? What were your experiences in this area?
I'm worried because I don't think I present well and I certainly don't pass very well. I just want to be taken seriously by those around me and by the therapist him/herself.
Angela
Edited to clean up crappy grammar.
No, you don't have to go en femme.
A good therapist should take you seriously, even if you are dressing in a giant hotdog suit and towing a dead goldfish behind you on a length of silver tinsel.
Quote from: Vexing on December 10, 2008, 07:52:57 PM
No, you don't have to go en femme.
A good therapist should take you seriously, even if you are dressing in a giant hotdog suit and towing a dead goldfish behind you on a length of silver tinsel.
I concur. Besides,
most people who are going to therapy for the first time are
pre-everything and NOT living in the gender role of their gender identification (i.e, RLT), so why the heck would a therapist want you to suddenly dress as such?
tink :icon_chick:
Quote from: Vexing on December 10, 2008, 07:52:57 PM
No, you don't have to go en femme.
A good therapist should take you seriously, even if you are dressing in a giant hotdog suit and towing a dead goldfish behind you on a length of silver tinsel.
Not sure a "good therapist" would necessarily be "good" for the reason given. Certainly one would take that example seriously, but perhaps not immediately take seriously that you had gender difficulties as the first priority in that garb! :)
But, the answer to your question is, as has been said twice, NO.
No points off toward your cumulative and mandatory 100 you must accumulate before you're allowed to transition. :)
Nichole
I waited till my four session to go as me. This is a nice to meet you meeting. you will know when you should go as you. Your therapist will understand that.
Janet
Quote from: Vexing on December 10, 2008, 07:52:57 PM
No, you don't have to go en femme.
A good therapist should take you seriously, even if you are dressing in a giant hotdog suit and towing a dead goldfish behind you on a length of silver tinsel.
Wow. What a visual. :laugh:
Thanks to everyone for the information.
Angela
In theory, no you don't. In practice... it depends on the therapist and his or her expectations and understanding of what TSism is truly about.
~Kate~
Quote from: Kate on December 10, 2008, 08:37:17 PM
In theory, no you don't. In practice... it depends on the therapist and his or her expectations and understanding of what TSism is truly about.
~Kate~
Does that mean your therapist required you to come dressed to your first appointment?
Nichole
Quote from: Nichole on December 10, 2008, 09:50:44 PM
Does that mean your therapist required you to come dressed to your first appointment?
Did she SAY that?
No, she didn't.
~Kate~
I dressed for all my appointments but since I was coming straight from work I learned to make a quick change in the car.
Karen Lyn
Absolutely positively one hundred percent NO.
I have never dressed femininely for a single therapy appointment, because I'm not going there to ask for fashion tips and my state of transition hasn't compelled me to do so yet. Any good therapist will take you as you come and try to understand where you're coming from inside. The outside stuff only makes it into the conversation when what you're telling them makes it an issue (i.e. if you tell your therapist you dress everywhere except when you visit them; or if you tell them you really, really WANT to show up dressed but you're afraid of rejection from them, they might suggest you show up dressed).
Not many therapists would turn you away for showing up dressed, but I've never heard of a single one who would require it for a first session.
Quote from: Kate on December 10, 2008, 08:37:17 PM
In theory, no you don't. In practice... it depends on the therapist and his or her expectations and understanding of what TSism is truly about.
~Kate~
Hmm. Okay, I hope to go to a gender therapist, if I can find one in my area; I'm still searching for one.
Thanks for the information, Kate.
Angela
Quote from: KarenLyn on December 10, 2008, 10:22:35 PM
I dressed for all my appointments but since I was coming straight from work I learned to make a quick change in the car.
Karen Lyn
Since I drive a minivan, this might be helpful to remember. Thank you.
Angela
p.s.- I love your signature!
Quote from: Dana_W on December 10, 2008, 10:57:39 PM
Absolutely positively one hundred percent NO.
I have never dressed femininely for a single therapy appointment, because I'm not going there to ask for fashion tips and my state of transition hasn't compelled me to do so yet. Any good therapist will take you as you come and try to understand where you're coming from inside. The outside stuff only makes it into the conversation when what you're telling them makes it an issue (i.e. if you tell your therapist you dress everywhere except when you visit them; or if you tell them you really, really WANT to show up dressed but you're afraid of rejection from them, they might suggest you show up dressed).
Not many therapists would turn you away for showing up dressed, but I've never heard of a single one who would require it for a first session.
This is what I figured the situation would be. A good therapist
should allow the client lead the discussion and set the pace for these sorts of things.
Thanks for the feedback. Good post.
Angela
Quote from: Nichole on December 10, 2008, 09:50:44 PM
Quote from: Kate on December 10, 2008, 08:37:17 PM
In theory, no you don't. In practice... it depends on the therapist and his or her expectations and understanding of what TSism is truly about.
~Kate~
Does that mean your therapist required you to come dressed to your first appointment?
I agree with Kate. Sadly a good few "therapists" here in ZA do penalize you if you're not "presenting correctly" (i.e. either stepford wife or lumberjack)
In theory though no, it should not matter one iota.
~Simone.
I went to my first appointment with my Phsychiatrist wearing a suit and tie as I had been speaking at a conference on that day.
He remarked how smart I looked, but fully understood how much I hated the clothes I was wearing and how painful it was for me.
It was my third appointment about 6 months later when I actually presented en femme, as he said, I was under no pressure to do anything I was not ready or confident to do.
Rebecca
It depends on a therapist. Some may think that you must some may think that you must not.
A good therapist should take you seriously, even if you are dressing in a giant hotdog suit and towing a dead goldfish behind you on a length of silver tinsel.
Seriously perhaps, but they will make some conclusions, none of them good.
My therapist didn't say one way or the other. Though after a few sessions, she encouraged me to dress. She had gotten a feel for who I was and felt that I would be more comfortable if I was dressed enfemme.
She was right...
Remember, you are not seeing the therapist for their appreciation. You are seeing them for you. In other words, go as yourself. Be as comfortable as you need to be. If dressing would make you uncomfortable for the first session, then don't. Be sure to discuss it with them to find out how it could be accomplished if you wanted to. My therapist offered an empty office to change in. She also said she wanted me to wear makeup as well.
-Sandy
I finally booked a therapy session in the first week of the new year.....thanks to a little help from the UK team here :icon_bunch:
I decided some time ago that I would be going in boy-mode.
I feel that I need to start from my everyday "reality" and see where the path goes. For me this is a voyage of self discovery, and I just need to talk face to face with someone about these issues for now.
I also have similar concerns to Angela, that if I present female, I may end up spending more time talking about how I look, and not enough about how I feel inside
Chrissty
That avatar is much better, there sister. Very Professional.
Janet
I don't know. I know if I hadn't been 'en homme' my first session, I wouldn'tve been taken seriously at all. As it was, she found fault with my haircut, saying it wasn't masculine enough and my binding method because it didn't hide my tits enough. And this is a long time and well respected gender therapist.
I might well imagine, and that's all I can do, that at some point the therapist is testing how strong, committed or tough you are to go through with it.
Quote from: tekla on December 11, 2008, 12:02:40 PM
I might well imagine, and that's all I can do, that at some point the therapist is testing how strong, committed or tough you are to go through with it.
Or at any point the gender therapist is expressing her own style-consultant opinion. I can imagine less-than great results of therapy interactions if that's one of the first things the therapist sets out to do and evaluate.
Nichole
Quote from: Nero on December 11, 2008, 11:54:57 AM
I don't know. I know if I hadn't been 'en homme' my first session, I wouldn'tve been taken seriously at all. As it was, she found fault with my haircut, saying it wasn't masculine enough and my binding method because it didn't hide my tits enough. And this is a long time and well respected gender therapist.
Yep.
I was never criticized outright for not showing up "enfemme" (god I hate that word), but there were hints about my "not owning it." And it took 11 months for a (still reluctant and half-hearted) HRT letter, while others who showed up "dressed" got theirs in a month or two.
~Kate~
Quote from: Kate on December 11, 2008, 12:09:03 PM
Quote from: Nero on December 11, 2008, 11:54:57 AM
I don't know. I know if I hadn't been 'en homme' my first session, I wouldn'tve been taken seriously at all. As it was, she found fault with my haircut, saying it wasn't masculine enough and my binding method because it didn't hide my tits enough. And this is a long time and well respected gender therapist.
Yep.
I was never criticized outright for not showing up "enfemme" (god I hate that word), but there were hints about my "not owning it." And it took 11 months for a (still reluctant and half-hearted) HRT letter, while others who showed up "dressed" got theirs in a month or two.
~Kate~
OK, you got the letter after 11 months total. How many sessions? How many sessions were those who got their's in a "month or two" doing?
What was your stance in your sessions, were you forthcoming or "holding" things? There's a lot of evaluation that can go on when you're doing regular sessions with folks that cannot be done when someone's come for four or five visits, gone and hormones and then never discussed anything of any depth with the therapist.
On the other hand was there any real expectation for you to "own it" on your first visit? Or, were you insistent on not dressing at all until you "looked" perfect?
TBH, if I had a client seeing me who "wanted to look perfect" I'd have to evaluate that as a problem area. I mean, who the heck does? Actually, look perfect that is?Just a for instance and it may not have been part of your situation at all.
Nichole
Quote from: Nichole on December 11, 2008, 12:20:08 PM
OK, you got the letter after 11 months total. How many sessions? How many sessions were those who got their's in a "month or two" doing?
Oh trust me, I "deserved" that letter long before I got it... such as it was. The bitter irony was by the time I DID get it, I was already self-medicating (DON'T TRY IT YOU COULD DIE!), and the fantastic doc I later found on my own to manage my care didn't even want a letter. Yay.
QuoteTBH, if I had a client seeing me who "wanted to look perfect" I'd have to evaluate that as a problem area. I mean, who the heck does? Actually, look perfect that is?
It wasn't that. I've just never been into the whole "enfemme" thing. The clothes I wear are an incidental, practical matter and never made me more "me." My entire compulsion or need is to BE female, not just look or or "present" as one. So hanging female clothes on an obviously male body was pointless for me.
~Kate~
Quote from: Kate on December 11, 2008, 02:12:40 PM
It wasn't that. I've just never been into the whole "enfemme" thing. The clothes I wear are an incidental, practical matter and never made me more "me." My entire compulsion or need is to BE female, not just look or or "present" as one. So hanging female clothes on an obviously male body was pointless for me.
OK, that sounds healthy. Umm, did you put it that way to the therapist? BTW, did you have two different therapists? For some reason I was thinking you'd only the one.
QuoteOh trust me, I "deserved" that letter long before I got it... such as it was.
And that one's a puzzler, hon. You "deserved" it? How's that?
Not trying to be obtuse or anything, I just really don't understand the context of that and it makes no sense to me.
Nichole
Quote from: Nichole on December 11, 2008, 02:31:23 PM
BTW, did you have two different therapists? For some reason I was thinking you'd only the one.
I saw a psych for one session, then moved on to a therapist for like two years+, and then had one visit to a (different) psych for the second SRS letter.
QuoteOh trust me, I "deserved" that letter long before I got it... such as it was.
QuoteAnd that one's a puzzler, hon. You "deserved" it? How's that?
I figure if you meet the criteria, you show stability and realistic expectations, you get a letter. IMHO, anyway. But we know how the whole GateKeeper dynamic can corrupt both therapist AND client.
~Kate~
Quote from: Kate on December 11, 2008, 03:13:18 PM
Quote from: Nichole on December 11, 2008, 02:31:23 PM
BTW, did you have two different therapists? For some reason I was thinking you'd only the one.
I saw a psych for one session, then moved on to a therapist for like two years+, and then had one visit to a (different) psych for the second SRS letter.
QuoteOh trust me, I "deserved" that letter long before I got it... such as it was.
QuoteAnd that one's a puzzler, hon. You "deserved" it? How's that?
I figure if you meet the criteria, you show stability and realistic expectations, you get a letter. IMHO, anyway. But we know how the whole GateKeeper dynamic can corrupt both therapist AND client.
~Kate~
Yep, I suppose it surely can. Although I am not so sure that "we know" that at all. For "we" continue to anricipate that we will just get this after that and "we" don't ask questions and get answers, do "we?"
So did you know your therapist's criteria? Did you ask for that and then if so did she provide it to you after you requested it?
I also know that assumptions I make going in and then an unwillingness to address "exactly what do you want" with a therapist I'm seeing is not a good practice. Knowledgable and pro-active clients make the best therapists even better.
What I often "see" is people not taking responsibility for their own expectations and attitudes and then indicting the provider.
I mean heck, your therapist may only be a money-grubbing quck? I haven't a clue who she was, don't wann know. But, ya know, I'd have asked her early on what her prognosis for having me under the knife was. That way I kinda know where she stands and can make adjustments myself.
Don't any of you get me wrong. I know there are incompetent practitioners in any field, programming and administration to law to medicine to fast food whatever. But I also know that there are incomoetent patients and clients who simply wanna drift into whatever "I think should happen" while remaining passive themselves.
No therapy is good that isn't interactive and mutual. Period.
Nichole
Nichole
Generally dressing feminine is plus in case the therapist wants only to be sure that you do not possible regret and you are serious in your transition.
In case he/she is anti-trans dressing can lead to harashment.
(I have experience from both types)
My first ''gender therapist'' was a conservative young shrink that mocked me and my clothes. (I dressed as female).
Now I put make up, pseudo-jewellery and my current gender therapist sees that I have '' a clear subjective female identification''.
(I use same kind of clothes usually everywhere. I use pearls (pseudo) nearly always. )
like others have said no you do not have to go en femme to your first visit, i started dressing a little more at each session though then at at session four i told my therapist i would have come as Paula but i didn't want to give him a heart attack, he just said he might be suprised that's all, so my fifth appointment i went as Paula, the secretary was a little confused for a moment but recoverd quickly and nobody in the waiting room paid any attention.
Paula.
I have to make up my mind by saturday. I was thinking of wearing girl jeans and sandals with a modest andogynous top and really light makeup but now I'm not so sure. I think it might be better if I am not preoccupied by anything and just go completely relaxed and open, meaning sweats and a t-shirt. LOL
I was fine all week, but now I am so nervous!!!
12:30 tomorrow. new year, new adventures I guess :-\
I decided not to go dressed... well, I mean I'll be dressed just not femme. ;)
wish me luck!
Quote from: eliza beth on January 02, 2009, 11:59:28 PMI decided not to go dressed... well, I mean I'll be dressed just not femme. ;)
wish me luck!
LULZ!
Good luck :D
In an ideal world where all are good therapists, it would be best to present how you feel at present. If there is not a good experience, or mocking in any sense, run! But I truly do know that all is not as it should be. And sometimes, we have to grease the skids. That is NOT how things ought to be, but we are agents of our own change. Perhaps, the best is start out with how you feel you want to, and alter things going along if needed, though there is danger any road you take.
Your life, your journey, remember. The therapist is your tool to help. If it isn't the right tool, change it.
Namaste, Lunae
Quote from: Lunae on January 03, 2009, 06:54:17 AMIf there is not a good experience, or mocking in any sense, run!
+1
I totally agree -- if you have any options whatsoever in choosing a therapist, don't settle. My therapist is so incredibly encouraging and non-judgmental that it's infuriating at time -- sometimes I just want to wring her neck and make her tell me what I need to do! I'm just not used to people who know me but aren't emotionally invested in my decisions -- that's the great thing about therapy (when it's good.)
Best wishes!
~Alyssa
Quote from: eliza beth on January 02, 2009, 11:59:28 PM
I was fine all week, but now I am so nervous!!!
12:30 tomorrow. new year, new adventures I guess :-\
I decided not to go dressed... well, I mean I'll be dressed just not femme. ;)
wish me luck!
Hi elizabeth, I've just got in from work, so I hope I'm not too late to wish you luck ! :icon_bunch:
:icon_hug:
Chrissty
thanks for the advice/well wishes (again) everyone, I feel pretty good about today now.
Quote from: Chrissty on January 03, 2009, 11:23:15 AM
Hi elizabeth, I've just got in from work, so I hope I'm not too late to wish you luck ! :icon_bunch:
:icon_hug:
phew, you were just in time. I waited just for you :) :icon_hug:
like I was saying, I feel much better today, last night I just couldn't sleep and was so preoccupied playing all these scenarios in my head. today I feel more collected with my thoughts and I am really reaady to make the best of this.
:)
~beth
Quote
phew, you were just in time. I waited just for you :) :icon_hug:
like I was saying, I feel much better today, last night I just couldn't sleep and was so preoccupied playing all these scenarios in my head. today I feel more collected with my thoughts and I am really reaady to make the best of this.
:)
~beth
You just gotta let
me us know how U got on...... :icon_bunch:
(so I know what to expect next Friday)
:icon_hug:
Chrissty
that went as good as I could have hoped, really. I took the advice I had read on here and other palces about letting her lead and just answered her questions. Gender didn't even come up until about 30 minutes in, just family issues and background to make me feel more comfortable. I think the double session was a little too long, since we kind of ran out of stuff to discuss for the last 20 minutes and concentrated on a plan for me, so we only booked a single session for 3 weeks from now.
we talked a lot about my family - mom specifically since she is battling cancer (and winning!) and how I put my transition on hold because of it. I told her how I self medicated for a year, and we talked about some health issues. she even recomended that I get a chromosome analysis (that would explain a lot, I guess).
she gave me a lot of encouragement most of all. referred me to a friendly general practice physician for hormones (who is also TG as it turns out) and an endo. she basically said what I knew, but it was nice to have someone agree. she also gave me some strong advice to quit smoking (which I think I am ready to do).
Quote from: Chrissty on January 03, 2009, 03:41:05 PM
(so I know what to expect next Friday)
:icon_hug:
Chrissty
just be honest. it's the easiest advice but I didn't trust it 100% either. she didn't try and trap me or trick me into saying anything, it was very free form. be prepared for followup questions on stuff you might have felt was irrelevant and don't forget to take a deep breath and collect yourself if you need to. :)
Quote from: eliza beth on January 03, 2009, 05:24:48 PM
just be honest. it's the easiest advice but I didn't trust it 100% either. she didn't try and trap me or trick me into saying anything, it was very free form. be prepared for followup questions on stuff you might have felt was irrelevant and don't forget to take a deep breath and collect yourself if you need to. :)
Hey ..I'm so glad it al went well for you
Thank you for the feedback and advice :icon_bunch:
:icon_hug:
Chrissty
I am not going to advise in any way if it was right or wrong but when I went out for my assessment by a therapist at the Clark institute I was fully clothed as a female for the occasion. The therapist, a M-F herself I believe she was a little surprised. I just didn't want to leave any wiggle room for misunderstanding of my intent. About three weeks later after my shrink got the report that I was diagnosed as having GID and was transsexual it was about a week later I came out full time, about a month and a half before I started HRT. It was either that or a date with a rock cut, I chose the former. That's just my story on how I did it is all.
Chrissty hon, you are looking more beautiful all the time, what's your secret? :D
Cindy
Awww Thanks Cindy *blushes*
....It must be the effects of being around all you other beautiful girls :icon_bunch:
Chrissty
Well since I go to my therapist during my work day, I just cannot go dressed as me. At our last session, she told me that it was a little strange that I sit there "radiating female energy but dressed in male clothes." She encouraged me to dress for my next visit if I felt comfortable doing so. I told her it had nothing to do with comfort, just scheduling. So I am gonna have to be creative with my schedule. I never want to go en homme again. I agree, it doesn't make sense to. Come to think of it, it makes no real sense to me any time any more.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
Hi Kristi hon, I will send prayer that all goes well with your therapy sessions and your eventual coming out.
Cindy
Cindy, sweetie!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.forumup.com%2Fimages%2Fsmiles%2Fslider_thankyou.gif&hash=b1b923494e00eb9e20f9ca6ba3343e7276f012b7)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
Quote from: Kristi on January 03, 2009, 09:30:46 PM
Well since I go to my therapist during my work day, I just cannot go dressed as me. At our last session, she told me that it was a little strange that I sit there "radiating female energy but dressed in male clothes." She encouraged me to dress for my next visit if I felt comfortable doing so. I told her it had nothing to do with comfort, just scheduling. So I am gonna have to be creative with my schedule. I never want to go en homme again. I agree, it doesn't make sense to. Come to think of it, it makes no real sense to me any time any more.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fganjataz.com%2F01smileys%2Fimages%2Fsmileys%2FloopyBlonde-blinking.gif&hash=4545ddf8251cf9c32ae6074d56e48bc34a755857)Kristi
Hi Kristi, from the way you present yourself here, I have to agree 100% with your therapist, and your decision. :icon_bunch:
Looks like I will be starting the "working day" disguise sessions now, with the limited therapist availability in this country and my circumstances.....Ah well.....
C'est la vie!*big hug* :icon_hug:
Chrissty
Well in my opinion you both look good enough and fem enough to be full time and on the job as well.
Cindy
It depends highly on therapist.
Quote from: Vexing on December 10, 2008, 07:52:57 PM
No, you don't have to go en femme.
A good therapist should take you seriously, even if you are dressing in a giant hotdog suit and towing a dead goldfish behind you on a length of silver tinsel.
Agree and love the visual, and the therapist asks, "So, which of you is transgender, the fish, the hotdog, or you?" Ok, enuf bad humor.
Any good therapst shouldn't require dressing until you want or you're fulltime for your RLE. If they do require it for sessions, find a new one, they're simply playing mind and power games with you.
No Doc, it's my imaginary friend here whose transsexual, see, she's wearing a dress!
Not necessarily, if they ask you if you would like to com in dressed in the gender you desire to be, they are just leaving an opening or option for you to do so if you so desire to. They will also ask if you are wearing anything to enhance the feeling of the gender you desire to be, like undergarments. kind of suggesting to experiment with your desire.
Cindy
I'm glad your first session went well, i have weekly appointments that are an hour long i think because my insurance covers it, but what i do is i have a pad and as i think of things i write them down for my next visit, it makes it easier for me to remember. I especially at first would think about things in my childhood and later years that confirmed what i knew all my life and noting them helped, my current sessions are quite a bit different these days, instead of talking about my past i am now talking and making plans for my future.
Paula.
I'm happy that everything went well for you!
Having a therapist that you can open up to really helps. I'm glad for you!
Congrats!
-Sandy
sorry coming in late to the convo but when I first went to my therapist I wore what I was comfie in, basically baggie shorts and an over sized t shirt.
For me clothes do not make who I am, that is decided and has been decided since I was well born. I wear jeans and I am still a girl, a skirt and yep still a girl.
I say wear what clothes you feel comfortable in but that is just my opinion.
Hi all, this is interesting. I didn't dress on my first three sessions. It was mostly a matter of not being seen by my wife in case she arrived home early from work. Subsequent sessions I was a bit more bold and did, however, I wore jeans, flats, and a simple blouse. Enough to be comfortable. She was very pleasant and I enjoyed our conversations. I wish I could contact her again now, since I'm ready to move on. She was my second therapist. My first therapist was taking me no where and had no experience with women like myself. Anyway, my second therapist never asked me to dress, but I felt so comfortable with her, that I decided to do it. I hope she'll see me again and not think I'm wasting her time.