Poll
Question:
What triggered your awareness of your Androgyne identity?
Option 1: Physical: I felt my physical representation was not on par with my sense of self.
votes: 4
Option 2: Psychological: I felt binary concepts did not apply to my sense of self.
votes: 10
Option 3: Psycholigcal / Physical (please elaborate).
votes: 11
Option 4: Other (please elaborate).
votes: 5
Well, hello there!
To those who don't know me; I used to wander these boards and then disappeared for over a year - Hello.
To those who remember me; yes I know I disappeared for over a year. ;) - Cheers.
Now, back on topic:
While I browsed to the AG boards I noticed a varied userbase and decided to launch this poll to sample the origin of AG identity awareness. I want to see in who's case (and how many) the first idea of possible Androgyny popped up in relation to GID, and in who's case (and how many) the identity spark relates to a sense of psychologically not fitting in (with...).
It's a bit of an abstract concept and requires some digging. I also wouldn't be surprised if in the case of the majority the P's were interwined (hence the 3rd option) or if my pondering was determined 'meh' by a (popular) option 4.
However, this board can use another poll (no matter how vague), and of course you may feel free to launch 'I really don't get it' replies. 8) Cheers.
Poll results as of 25/02/2010
Physical: I felt my physical representation was not on par with my sense of self. - 0 (0%)
Psychological: I felt binary concepts did not apply to my sense of self. - 4 (30.8%)
Psycholigcal / Physical (please elaborate). - 8 (61.5%)
Other (please elaborate). - 1 (7.7%)
Total Members Voted: 13
Poll results as of 06/04/2010
Physical: I felt my physical representation was not on par with my sense of self. - 2 (11.1%)
Psychological: I felt binary concepts did not apply to my sense of self. - 7 (38.9%)
Psycholigcal / Physical (please elaborate). - 8 (44.4%)
Other (please elaborate). - 1 (5.6%)
Total Members Voted: 18
*Note: no changes to previous conclusion psychological > physical.
Ello me darlin' how's things - i got meself and album a while ago, was playing it once when a housemate said, 'you do like some rubbish don't you?' - so a compliment there.
I said both...
Though I think on more reflection after deleting an answer that the trigger was actually sociological and that led to both.
I started with exploring my feminine self on line and enjoying the different ways I was listened to and my views interpreted when the other person in the conversation believed me to be female. This led to a wish to be female physically, an unhappiness in my male body and a feeling of incongruence psychologically.
However, trying to put myself in the female end of things, especially the transfemale type made things much more stressful psychologically especially.
Androgyne then came as a release psychologically - and helped me understand and accept better this sack of spuds I call a body.
So - yeah, my trigger was sociological.
Since Pica2 is our resident Andro philosopher king/queen/princess I'll have to go with what he/she/they said.
I'm in the boat of 'why the hell do I have to choose one or the other? Why can't I be both?"
Well, while we're doing compliments, why can't I express myself so clearly, forthrightly and with so few words?
You want me to tell you the special (like the Olympics) tekla formula for pissing people off by the third word, which is still miles before the first period? OK. Tell the truth.
Them Jammies are rockin' cool, mon.
Which one? I always have hundreds of options buzzing around and it just depends which one I catch at the time.
Me too, but just pick one, it does not seem to matter which truth it is, just that it's true.
Time to steal from Johnson
"However we may labour for our own deception, truth, though unwelcome, will sometimes intrude upon the mind."
Idler #80
If you are going to steal, steal from the best.
Telling the truth is an unwelcome intrusion and it's very rude to do it ^-^
If you are going to steal, steal from the best.
Damn Skippy!
Telling the truth is an unwelcome intrusion and it's very rude to do it
So I'm told (constantly).
Well as Samuel Johnson's mate said as he was dying,
"It is well when a man comes to die he has nothing heavier on his conscience than having been a little rough in conversation."
(You'll never guess who I've been reading about this month."
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, Shakespeare?
Quote from: Pica Pica on January 15, 2010, 01:48:27 PM
Ello me darlin' how's things
Neat and charming as always ;)
Little feedback on my own choice (psychological);
Middle school when I felt I didn't fit into the squad and exclaimed that just because I appeared female my peers and teachers had no right to conclude I was. I had a follower too. Should have pushed it futher and started my own cult, but alas.
Quickly figured the gents corner wasn't my piece of cake either and was tagged as 'just [insert name]'.
And enough, I'm getting bored myself.
Cheers for the replies folk (including the quotes) ;) 8)
Oh common, get a room pica and tekla :P
I've always desired to be like the woman I saw, to have what they had, a female body, or at least a body that fit female clothing, and the freedom to act like they did. I never felt like I was a boy, I had a rejection of myself as male. Yet after hunting inside for a long time I have never found anything that said "I am woman". I actually prefer the term non-binary gender these days.
The way I read this poll was is it because of body issues or emotional & social issues that led to you being androgyne?
I new my body was wrong but not how for as long as I remember & I always felt different to other boys growing up without knowing why. so I said both
did i get the question right I'm a bit confused at this moment ? :S
Quote from: Kinkly on January 20, 2010, 05:43:11 AM
The way I read this poll was is it because of body issues or emotional & social issues that led to you being androgyne?
I new my body was wrong but not how for as long as I remember & I always felt different to other boys growing up without knowing why. so I said both
did i get the question right I'm a bit confused at this moment ? :S
That's a really nice and simple way to put what I meant. Unfortunately communicating my thoughts and theories was never on my talent list. Thanks for clearing that one up (for others). 8)
I was pretty much outside the norm behaviour-wise anyway, but I didn't see that as necessarily a problem (I was an antisocial child :P) until I started growing up more, which was around the same point that the physical changes were happening anyway.
I suppose it was really the physical dysphoria that made me think "OK, something's not right here" and made me go and research things (always my natural reaction to situations :D), if that's what you mean. The people in my school were sexists anyway, so I thought being frustrated at being female/wanting to be more like a male was normal. Once I left that school it all clicked, and here I am today.
Great question No_ID. I put both. But its not that simple. I have been uncomfortable being male for a really long time. Being raised male for me included being really cut off from the body I wore. I did not think of my body enough to decide it was not me. My awareness of being androgynous came from comparing my interests and values to those of the men I knew. And seeing how I did not fit. Later I started adding up that I liked my long hair and did not mind being called "mam." I noticed I identify with female protagonists and only read books that feature such. So I took the not quite scientific COGIATI and believed my score. So, maybe psychologically first, and then realizing the physical aspects as well.
great quote - gave me a needed laugh
QuoteTelling the truth is an unwelcome intrusion and it's very rude to do it
I'm an "other" :P
I bopped along for over 40 years pretty much blissfully unaware of exactly "why" I didn't quite fit in. I did well enough to get by socially, got married, had kids, did well at work, but there was that certain "something" that other people had, and that I did not. I didn't like socializing with men, and seemed to get along better with the women at gatherings. My work patterns were very un-male like, I tended to gather consensus and weigh all sides when coming to a decision.
Once I took the COGATTI test (I know, I know ::)) it got me thinking, and then the pieces fell into place, especially my past and all of the trouble I had experienced. I had both male and female thinking patterns!
So I joined susan's and found other kindred spirits here :)
Quote from: Kendall on January 20, 2010, 07:00:17 PM
Great question No_ID.
Thank-you. The poll came to mind when I read over 'GID in Children' and 'GID' in general. So far it seems the majority leans towards physical & psycholigcal or psychological. I remember from a past thread how a null gender/neuter/ag with GID expressed that their ideal body would be that of a child (pre-puberty/pre-hormonally influenced). Based on that I expected a (physical) 'trigger' near puberty a.k.a. 'That's not supposed to be there, but neither is that, so[...]', but thus far only Nicky and Fenrir's replies seem most compatible with that assumption. So it's suprising, but at the same time; not really. ;)
I'm not sure body was a trigger as such. I just felt a wrongness about the world from an early age. I would look around and everyone seemed to know what they were doing, how to act, where to go. I was lost in a sea of gender rules, wondering why I was not allowed to wear the girls uniform.
Puberty for me was a slow thing, I was small, never had a big growth spurt, just kind of creped up. I was always rather dark and hairy though. I had a bad case of vagina envy but it was wrapped up in this powerful sexual urge of my teens. I felt a jelousy that women could feel more than me, experience more pleasure. I just felt like masturbating all the time and the release never lasted long. I was depressed much of the time.
I didn't want to compete with the rest of the boys, I didn't want to play their games, or join in their sports. I went to an all boys school and it was misery but I could not figure out why,
I toyed with the idea that I could be gay but rejected that, I liked women too much.
Finally I went to University in another town on another island. I was free. I started growing my hair long, had my ears pierced, dressed in alternate clothing - stuff that was more art than gender. Decided I was a crossdresser, but that never really fit either. I knew I wanted to be girly but could never find it in me to say I was a girl.
I think I was 25 when I came accross androgynes on the internets. The internet was only just becoming a social revolution at that stage. It clicked. I held onto that thought, it fit, but how could someone be not male or female? Finally I chopped down internal walls and androgyne was my home. Since then I toyed with the idea that I was a woman, and have discovered I am very much at the female end of things in terms of my desires.
Currently I like the Non-binary label/gender queer. After struggling with dysphoria and depression for so long I did something about it and saw a counsellor at the end of 08. I'm now out of my box and the sunshine sure feels good!
I was not intending to write a summary of my journey but I just kept on typing, it feels good to lay it down.
Thinking about it I don't think there was a trigger for me at all as I think it implies you felt normal before an event. I've never felt 'normal'. It just took me a long time to figure out why I was not 'normal'.
Quote from: no_id on January 21, 2010, 09:04:43 AM
I remember from a past thread how a null gender/neuter/ag with GID expressed that their ideal body would be that of a child (pre-puberty/pre-hormonally influenced).
Ahaha, that may have been me anyway. ;) So no wonder my reply was compatible with it!
Quote from: Nicky on January 21, 2010, 01:21:10 PM
Thinking about it I don't think there was a trigger for me at all as I think it implies you felt normal before an event. I've never felt 'normal'. It just took me a long time to figure out why I was not 'normal'.
The bit about never having really felt normal I recognise. But that's why the physical stuff seemed so out-of-sorts to me after years of being fine with my child body, because I was used to being different personality-wise, but then suddenly I had these unwanted things happening to my body and I realised something was up. Then again, the way I was relating to people changed a lot at that time too, everything (and everyone around me) became a lot more 'gendered' and the psychological dysphoria was a lot more obvious to me. (As I hung around with snails as a child, and they're hermaphrodites anyway, didn't really get the gender differences thing forced on me a lot until secondary school... ;D) I can't really separate the two as 'triggers'. Both led to me wanting to find out what was going on.
Like Nicky, I toyed with the idea that I was just a lesbian before realising that I didn't actually fancy girls. I swung between "I'm trans/I can't be" as I felt male, female or neither on different months, weeks, days, even afternoons! This could be physical, psychological, or both. When I discovered the identification 'androgyne', along with these forums, I was surprised to find people that thought a lot like me about these things! The label fit, and though knowing it hasn't made things much easier in terms of dealing with it, having worked it out and knowing I'm not the only one is definitely good. :)
For me it started (consciously) with clothing. I moved to a new city, new school at the start of sixth grade because my parents had new jobs, so I was suddenly seeing a lot less of them, and consequently got a lot more independent. The first thing I did was change the way I dressed for school, since my mum wasn't there in the morning to tell me to go back and change :P I started wearing loose jeans and sweatshirts or boxy sweaters as often as girly jeans and tshirts, and eventually just started buying equal amounts of boys and girls clothes. In seventh grade I had my hair (waist length) cut short (chin length) in the same shaggy, choppy style as one of my best friends (nearly all my friends by then were boys). By eighth, I was consciously aware that some days I woke up and felt like being a girl, some days a boy.
But I'm told when I was four I saw the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice and immediately began emulating Colin Firth's stride. I still get told I walk like him.
Little round up from my side;
Poll results as of 25/02/2010
Physical: I felt my physical representation was not on par with my sense of self. - 0 (0%)
Psychological: I felt binary concepts did not apply to my sense of self. - 4 (30.8%)
Psycholigcal / Physical (please elaborate). - 8 (61.5%)
Other (please elaborate). - 1 (7.7%)
The big 'winner' is Psychological/Physical, and taking a look at the other votes this gives 'Psychological' the edge over 'Physical'.
Statement the majority of the voters who define as androgyne have stated that the awareness of their variant gender identity can be attributed psychology rather than physicality.
Personally I'm rather curious what the results would be if this poll was placed in the TS section of this forum. GID and Gender Identity go hand-in-hand or perhaps not so much and to what extend does one validate the other? And what if the results were on par, would that cause a twist in the physician networks?
I was just looking over all the data in the past that can possibly relate to this poll and posts.
1. Additional ways to help with Awareness
Since this poll is concerning awareness, a poll long ago asked if you know yourself and if so then how. Half knew themselves, and half felt they knew only part of themselves.
I think the relevance to this poll is that it lists several methods of how one can be aware or get to know oneself.
Top ones being: Introspection, having experiences, researching information, and talking with others.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,15998.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,15998.0.html)
2. And this one sorta showed the androgynic influences which sorta shows what aspects can be influence, psych, soc, phys, and more. Though not specifically to awareness.
Top answers being gender roles, behavior, thinking, character, social, clothing, and identity.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,14002.20.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,14002.20.html)
3. How does one know one is androgyne or male/female?
There are some great explanations made back at this post.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,19086.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,19086.0.html)
It's difficult for me to pin down, exactly. I've always felt a disconnect from most people, but I'm an otaku and a Goth and a person who reads too much and an artist, so that might be beside the point. I had identified as "girl" by default for many years, mostly under this logic: "I do not hate my genitals, nor do I want a penis, so I must not be trans. Therefore, I'm a girl."
At the same time, I felt an intense envy of and attraction to androgynous people. I would have given anything to look like that, but I figured with a body like mine, it's probably not even possible... *cue self-hatred*
So my decision to identify as an androgyne, in the end, was not a sudden, "Oh, that word fits! I wish I'd heard it sooner" but rather a slow, "Maybe that is possible. Maybe I can be that sort of person." (This was triggered by Kate Bornstein's book, my gender workbook. Yes, I am yet another person who's gender was unlocked by her writing... )
So I guess it wasn't "I felt my physical representation was not on par with my sense of self." or "I felt binary concepts did not apply to my sense of self." but rather that my sense of self was warped. (Now that it's fixed (?), both of those apply.)
Other - really
It's simply that I have started to realise the extent to which I seem somehow to have lived my entire life, almost without noticing what I had done, enjoying and apropriating for myself the best of both male privileges AND female privileges.
Simply put when I am with the girls I am fully accepted as one of them, yet whilst with the boys I can still be an honorary boy. And whilst I still regard myself as basically female underneath it all, I've realised that it's kind of cool and indeed an honour, as a female bodied person, to be allowed to belong to both clubs. :)
I guess that's also why I could never get all the discussions in other sections of this site about gender stereotypes, and I really don't get the whole pronoun obsession thing. Yes I do prefer to be called she because, for one thing, looking the way I do and with a female body it seems more apropriate, and it matches my own self image, but I really can't be bothered to get upset if someone really wants to call me something different as long as they are going to be friendly.
Hey there, Spuds McGinger
I think I get it from all directions. The physical and the psych. I've come to grips with the physical for now because I am putting self identity before outward presentation. Maybe I'm aging beyond the need to present. I still have body issues, but the priority has been lowered.
My main concern at this point is; How do I verbally confuse those around me so they have no idea we ever interacted?
I am a viper. People know I'm a reptile, but do they know what type? They know I'm a snake, do they know what species? They know I'm a viper, do they know what gender? Not without turning me over with their hands, and who is going to do that with a viper?
I haven't the faintest idea of what that means. It was supposed to appear mysterious and ominous. Like that food in the school cafeteria.
Post Merge: May 08, 2010, 10:34:53 AM
Quote from: no_id on January 21, 2010, 09:04:43 AM
Thank-you. The poll came to mind when I read over 'GID in Children' and 'GID' in general. So far it seems the majority leans towards physical & psycholigcal or psychological. I remember from a past thread how a null gender/neuter/ag with GID expressed that their ideal body would be that of a child (pre-puberty/pre-hormonally influenced). Based on that I expected a (physical) 'trigger' near puberty a.k.a. 'That's not supposed to be there, but neither is that, so[...]', but thus far only Nicky and Fenrir's replies seem most compatible with that assumption. So it's suprising, but at the same time; not really. ;)
That works for me. I don't have an issue of growing to become an adult, but the puberty thing ruined who I should be. So I am like a child but with the curse of one gender's hormones which cause me to have feelings that are just wrong.
am I making sense? I've been fearful of slipping into a psychosis lately.
I voted other, I'll try and explain why as I'm still trying to figure things out myself.
First up, I 100% identify as female, I know that's not in question but since I decided to stop running from the GD I've been thinking about things a lot. I've never really felt I fitted in the world from a young age really, I put it down to being a quiet, introverted geek, but even in groups of similarly quite, introverted geeks I always feel like I'm just visiting, never really a fully paid up member, if that makes any sense at all. I've never ever been all "grrrrrr, manly" and any attempts to be so end up being an incredibly unconvincing act, in much the same way if I tried to be hyper girly, it would like wise be completely unconvincing (I can honestly say that the chances of seeing me in a dress are slim to virtually non existant), and I can see no point acting in a way that isn't natural just to try and fit into a stereotype I know doesn't fit. Also, through many years of re-invention, trying to find an identity that fits who I am, I am actually close...i've been pretty much gender neutral for years and it feels comfortable, but that little internal itch of the GD, the one that I've just not been able to scratch, has never gone away. It seems slightly odd, but I 100% want to transition in order to feel more comfortable being the person I've been for the last 10 years or so. Just I'll be doing it from the correct side of the gender spectrum.
Does that make me androgyne? I have absolutely no idea, but I guess the trigger for me was the decision to actually start transitioning rather than just wishing I could.
Quote from: Rock_chick on May 09, 2010, 08:43:24 AM
I voted other, I'll try and explain why as I'm still trying to figure things out myself.
First up, I 100% identify as female, I know that's not in question but since I decided to stop running from the GD I've been thinking about things a lot. I've never really felt I fitted in the world from a young age really, I put it down to being a quiet, introverted geek, but even in groups of similarly quite, introverted geeks I always feel like I'm just visiting, never really a fully paid up member, if that makes any sense at all. I've never ever been all "grrrrrr, manly" and any attempts to be so end up being an incredibly unconvincing act, in much the same way if I tried to be hyper girly, it would like wise be completely unconvincing (I can honestly say that the chances of seeing me in a dress are slim to virtually non existant), and I can see no point acting in a way that isn't natural just to try and fit into a stereotype I know doesn't fit. Also, through many years of re-invention, trying to find an identity that fits who I am, I am actually close...i've been pretty much gender neutral for years and it feels comfortable, but that little internal itch of the GD, the one that I've just not been able to scratch, has never gone away. It seems slightly odd, but I 100% want to transition in order to feel more comfortable being the person I've been for the last 10 years or so. Just I'll be doing it from the correct side of the gender spectrum.
Does that make me androgyne? I have absolutely no idea, but I guess the trigger for me was the decision to actually start transitioning rather than just wishing I could.
That just about makes you my younger twin! :)
Hopefully the GIC's have moved on somewhat in their understanding since my day.
Excerpt from a real session that I had in 1977. (which hopefully will amuse you...)
The scene is a private consulting room in Harley St. Dr Randall sits at his big desk convenniently placed under a skylight so that when the sun comes out a shaft of sunlight illuminates him as he fingers his paper knife as if deciding who he will allow to be reassigned. It is like visiting God in his office! You the plaintiff patient are consigned to a small chair in the corner from where you must do your best to look demure.
John Randall "Miss Day I see you are wearing jeans today. It is as I thought then, you are having doubts"
Me "oh no doctor. This is the 1970's lot's of women wear trousers these days!"
John Randall "Not my women"
Me "I'm not your woman doctor I'm your patient"
John Randall "Miss Day, if you don't adopt a more compliant attitude you will find that I can be very difficult. I might even recommend to your parents that they force you to try living properly as a man for a while..."
The rest is history - I didn't , but he did...
and it took me several years to get back to where I wanted to be. But I won in the end - and he is now dead - so I'm not holding grudges.
That is amusing Jenny. I really love your description of him sitting at his desk. hehe
I know the important thing is to stick to my guns...I am really beginning to understand exactly who I am, and that knowledge my make things more difficult, though hopefully it will be as you say and things have moved on since the 70's. Though if I do get told I should try living as a man I can turn around and say "what on earth do you think I was doing all through my twenties!?" hehe :laugh:
Quote from: rejennyrated on May 09, 2010, 08:59:28 AM
That just about makes you my younger twin! :)
Yay for us GGGG's (gender gifted geek girls) :laugh:
Quote from: Rock_chick on May 09, 2010, 09:18:40 AM
That is amusing Jenny. I really love your description of him sitting at his desk. hehe
I know the important thing is to stick to my guns...I am really beginning to understand exactly who I am, and that knowledge my make things more difficult, though hopefully it will be as you say and things have moved on since the 70's. Though if I do get told I should try living as a man I can turn around and say "what on earth do you think I was doing all through my twenties!?" hehe :laugh:
Yay for us GGGG's (gender gifted geek girls) :laugh:
As long as you tell them clearly that you have no "doubts" about who you are - and you ask them to help you be that person I think they will probably be fine with it. You may have to consider going private for SRS though - as cash strapped PCT's are apt to latch onto the smallest little glimmer of an excuse to deny funding for that. But hey what is a few thousand pounds against a lifetime of happiness.
As for the GGGG's I think maybe we should retitle ourselves as the G4's
That has a suitable techno ring - we're either a pop group or a microprocessor depending on your slant.
Alternatively we could be GG
2's :laugh: There - I knew I would be able to claim to be a GG one day! ;)
I definitely don't have any doubts, actually setting out on the journey have proved that. I'd actually already been thinking about going private for the SRS...time to burn the midnight oil and get on the overtime...god I hate doing overtime. I'll keep my fingers crossed about being able to sell some of my art work as well, that would be nice to do for a number of reasons.
GG2's I like it. hehe :laugh:
The nail in the androgyne identity is most likely when a person envisions themselves as the gender opposite from the one of their birth and realizes that they wouldn't necessarily be happy in that form either. For example, after contemplating my perfect version of having been born female, I found myself changing the physical characters until they were a mix of male and female. After that, there wasn't anything left but to realize that I want no specific physical gender because neither of the binaries can contain my vast soul.
That last line is meant to be silly, but true in its way.
Quote from: Rebis on May 09, 2010, 05:39:13 PM
The nail in the androgyne identity is most likely when a person envisions themselves as the gender opposite from the one of their birth and realizes that they wouldn't necessarily be happy in that form either.
I spent TEN months of frustrating therapy with a gender therapist who did nothing but cram transition down my throat. The only good thing that came out of it was my HRT letter. It seems so obvious now, but it took my OBGYN's referral to their Clinic's psychologist, a half day interview and a thousand question psychological survey to find out I am just as dysphoric about my female nature as I am my male!
Quote from: Virginia on May 10, 2010, 06:03:56 PM
I spent TEN months of frustrating therapy with a gender therapist who did nothing but cram transition down my throat. The only good thing that came out of it was my HRT letter. It seems so obvious now, but it took my OBGYN's referral to their Clinic's psychologist, a half day interview and a thousand question psychological survey to find out I am just as dysphoric about my female nature as I am my male!
Wow I can't imagine how difficult and confusing that must feel.
Personally I'm totally comfortable as as close to 100% physically female as I can get. It's just that I tend to want to kind of overflow that definition in the arena of my self expression sometimes.
Anyway I hope you have now found something that works for you.
Thank you, rejennyrated. It took transition level HRT to reduce my Gender Dysphoria but the zombie like days and sleepless nights are gone. I live my life like a slowly swinging pendulum. It is very important to me to have both a strong male AND a strong female presentation. But I get edgy staying in either extreme for extended periods and am uncomfortable combining the two into a confusing or genderlessly unidentifiable blend. My hair is styled masculinely long, I shave my body, and I am a half dozen electro sessions into removing the gray the laser didn't get on my face. Nothing that prevents me from having a solid guy presentation the majority of the time. But the balance is I spend a day a week out and about people as my female self. Along with HRT, it seems to be working. If things could only start to get easier for my wife...
Quote from: Rebis on May 09, 2010, 05:39:13 PM
The nail in the androgyne identity is most likely when a person envisions themselves as the gender opposite from the one of their birth and realizes that they wouldn't necessarily be happy in that form either.
I did exactly this, and came to the same realization. However, with my new found knowledge, nothing was "solved" for me.
In some ways i'm still doing it, looking for some kind of solution to my GID. This searching often leads to depression and other self destructive things. It seems that i am searching for a solution that does not exist :(
Quote from: riven1 on May 11, 2010, 01:45:28 PM
...nothing was "solved" for me. In some ways i'm still doing it, looking for some kind of solution to my GID.
Riven1, I don't know if you are open to HRT, but it has been a godsend for me. My Gender Dysphoria was rapidly headed towards suicide if I had not started HRT. Simply put, my brain needed the female hormones my body was unable to produce for me to be at peace with being a guy. And the fact that I have experienced minimal physical effects from my HRT regimen of estrogen and testosterone blockers has been as much of a blessing as the relief from my GD. I experienced none of the wild emotional swings that so many talk about and except for the mosquito bites on my chest, I am no less able to present as a guy than ever.
Quote from: Virginia on May 11, 2010, 02:16:53 PM
Riven1, I don't know if you are open to HRT, but it has been a godsend for me. My Gender Dysphoria was rapidly headed towards suicide if I had not started HRT. Simply put, my brain needed the female hormones my body was unable to produce for me to be at peace with being a guy. And the fact that I have experienced minimal physical effects from my HRT regimen of estrogen and testosterone blockers has been as much of a blessing as the relief from my GD. I experienced none of the wild emotional swings that so many talk about and except for the mosquito bites on my chest, I am no less able to present as a guy than ever.
HRT is not an option for me right now due to some medical issues. In fact, self medicating may have led to a recent severe medical situation. But i did like the feeling i had during that time. And i'd really have to bring the wife in on a decision such as that.
I think I would be better off talking to a therapist first. Finding the time (and the courage) is an issue for me at the moment though.
Quote from: Virginia on May 10, 2010, 06:03:56 PM
I spent TEN months of frustrating therapy with a gender therapist who did nothing but cram transition down my throat. The only good thing that came out of it was my HRT letter. It seems so obvious now, but it took my OBGYN's referral to their Clinic's psychologist, a half day interview and a thousand question psychological survey to find out I am just as dysphoric about my female nature as I am my male!
You may be the first person I know who has the documentation to back the notion of 'total dysphoria'. That's me too.
Post Merge: May 11, 2010, 08:59:16 PM
Quote from: riven1 on May 11, 2010, 01:45:28 PM
I did exactly this, and came to the same realization. However, with my new found knowledge, nothing was "solved" for me.
In some ways i'm still doing it, looking for some kind of solution to my GID. This searching often leads to depression and other self destructive things. It seems that i am searching for a solution that does not exist :(
Yeah, it takes some work.
Post Merge: May 11, 2010, 10:05:31 PM
Quote from: Virginia on May 11, 2010, 02:16:53 PM
Riven1, I don't know if you are open to HRT, but it has been a godsend for me. My Gender Dysphoria was rapidly headed towards suicide if I had not started HRT. Simply put, my brain needed the female hormones my body was unable to produce for me to be at peace with being a guy. And the fact that I have experienced minimal physical effects from my HRT regimen of estrogen and testosterone blockers has been as much of a blessing as the relief from my GD. I experienced none of the wild emotional swings that so many talk about and except for the mosquito bites on my chest, I am no less able to present as a guy than ever.
I've always thought that would work for me. Some Australians are using an estrogen that doesn't affect the body on men and women who are depressed.
(at the risk of hi jacking the thread)
The psychologist I am seeing now told me she uses this battery of tests to help determine if a person is a candidate for SRS. My dysphoria is strong enough to indicate surgery either way.
My earliest childhood memories are of my female self. But after a very awkward childhood and adolescence, I went into complete denial of this part of who I am. I suppressed my female self to the point of becoming completely unaware of it for the past 35 years. This side of me awoke with a vengeance about two years ago, threatening to take over. But as right as it felt to be a woman, it just did not fit as well as my GT tried to convince me it did. There were too many things I could never give up about being a guy.
I present as solidly male or female. But what is going on in my head is a different story. I feel most feminine when I am expressing myself as a guy and most masculine when I am expressing myself as a girl. There is always an uncomfortableness, something tugging at me to pull the other way. For purposes of my sanity, my best attempt at self identification is that I am a woman who prefers to express herself as a guy and is unwilling to give up her femininity.
Quote from: Virginia on May 12, 2010, 04:57:22 AM
(at the risk of hi jacking the thread)
Go straight ahead. So far what I'm reading is helpful to others and I can only be glad that this thread can serve as a platform. :)