So much HRT discussion revolves around losing weight and/or maintaining weight when HRT screws with metabolism. Well, for those of us who suffer (or have suffered) from eating disorders, there's very little out there. It's old news that the media pushes an ideal of thinness that for many seems attractive yet unattainable. Yet some go to any length imaginable to reach it, then take it too far. For too many years, I was one of those people.
The sad truth is that disordered thinking about food and calories never goes away, even after recovery, so how do we reconcile that inner disciplinarian with the knowledge that we need to gain weight so we can experience the magic of HRT?
- For starters, I look at my girlfriends. None of them are model thin, but all of them are healthy and beautiful. They're the models of the self that I want to be.
- Anyone with an eating disorder probably heard and internalized that poisonous message about the taste of food and thinness (which I refuse to quote here). Well forget that. The best feeling is knowing that true power comes from a healthy mind, spirit, and body. None of that is attainable in the throes of disordered eating.
- Untreated eating disorders can be fatal. Do I really want to die before I've lived my real life in my true gender? Everything before HRT was a dress rehearsal, and now that I'm full time, I've made it through opening night (to rave reviews). I don't want to be the tragic star, I want to be the venerable actress who lasted the full run.
So how about the rest of you? Let's not suffer in silence, but build each other up with our successes in overcoming those pervasive thoughts!
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The whole idea for this thread came from the emotion I felt while cleaning pictures off my phone tonight and seeing the following images side by side. That I could look at myself now and actually feel comfortable with the weight I've gained is not only a huge step in recovery, but verified some recent discussions about the importance of having enough weight for successful HRT. The difference weight makes in feminization is night-and-day, and I wanted to help inspire others who may not see this yet.
A quick before and after of what a few pounds can do:
Pre-HRT, 20 pounds heavier than my lowest weight (still with a BMI in the anorexic range)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theforestatnight.com%2Fsusans%2F2010-12-17%252008.35.17.jpg&hash=bd6a5098cbdbf5efed6501287f78ce7dba6a962c)
Same weight as the first picture, but one month into HRT
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theforestatnight.com%2Fsusans%2F2011-02-14%252015.46.59.jpg&hash=41d9da262a8b9142e49ba79fb491a80b6a30498a) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theforestatnight.com%2Fsusans%2F2011-02-14%252014.16.55.jpg&hash=813be0a0ffcc26c5aa4b28379acaab8bb28c59f0)
Three months HRT, 20 pounds heavier than the pictures above, 10 pounds to go...
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theforestatnight.com%2Fsusans%2F2011-04-20%252018.22.31.jpg&hash=a3dcb76890e89f7d746b257d6f2a5ea3da1d2476) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theforestatnight.com%2Fsusans%2F2011-04-20%252018.34.59.jpg&hash=5e28a84fc775991edbac5ccd9d7918a9d5f67428)
Congrats! You really do look a lot better with that weight on :)
I'm still looking for a weight gainer. Now that I lost some mass in my upper body I look even skinnier even though I'm the same weight. It seems there is no weight gainer with a low amount of potassium in it.
Thank you! ;D
Wish I could help with the weight gainer, but I tend not to check potassium content of stuff (I'm not on spiro because it didn't suppress my T levels at all). It's probably really bad for me, but my staple food is Sun Chips (harvest cheddar variety). Even if you were to eat a whole bag in one sitting, it's only 22% RDA of potassium. I also like the whole grain PowerBars, which are good light foods with a lot of calories, but the problem is that each has 20% RDA of fiber, so you'll be in pain if you pig out on them. :laugh:
In between my so-called "meals," I like to munch on pistachios. Ever since stomach surgery a few years back, I no longer eat regular meals, but I prefer to munch on stuff throughout the entire day. Full meals give me too much gastric distress to be bothered with.
Funny you mention it. I just recovered from Purging type Anorexia. I nearly killed myself weighing only 103 pounds at 6 foot 1 inces.
This video goes into more depth with pictures of my transition, but 1/2 of it revolves around my eating disorder, as that became a huge part of my life. So please watch it. (Warning: you will cry)
9 months of my transition: MTF Transsexual (Tear Jerker) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM-YfW8D7QI#ws)
You girls were light, the lowest i got down to was 121lbs, which is way underweight for my hieght but not light enough for a clinical diagnosis of anorexia, though i display all the traits of an anorexic (I fast and calorie count like a deamon). The huge, huge problem I have is not that I can't gain weight, but that I like being the weight I am now...well at last count I'd gained four pounds, but 120lbs was a weight i felt comfortable with (though I could easily push it lower even though I know that doing so would be just takingmyself even further down the rabbit hole). Trouble is I realistically need to be 133lbs minimum if i want to have grs at the end of the year...I know i need to gain weight, trouble is i don't want to.
And gaining weight is a pig, it's just like reverse anorexia...i'm still religiously counting calories and obsessing about what I eat
Quote from: Helena on May 01, 2011, 03:43:27 PM
You girls were light, the lowest i got down to was 121lbs, which is way underweight for my hieght...<snip>
How tall are you? I am more curious because you mention you should weigh 133. I weigh 135 now after my recovery which I feel fine with, I eat whatever I want :P (whenever I want)
And then there is the obverse side of the coin. I'd love to be able to lose a few pounds but whatever I do my body remains stubbornly in the 220lb to 230lb range - which is technically just obese for my height.
Even if I wanted to I cant purge because I hate being sick even more than I hate being overweight... So I have just had to learn to accept that this is the size I am.
Mind you Helena is right - if you are underweight seriously don't even think about thinking about thinking about going for SRS - because no surgeon will ever accept you unless you are of healthy weight, because you will be nil by mouth for at least 5 days - and the healing takes a lot out of you.
You really NEED to achieve mid range healthy weight before you start thinking GRS. So that should hopefully give you some extra impetus.
My best advice is that it will be easier to do if you can mange to stop obsessively looking at the calories and instead just concentrate on enjoying the food. Most of us have bodies that are naturally programmed towards a certain weight - in my case evidently 16 stone ::)
oh and Helena is somewhere about 5 foot 9 I think - I'm 5 foot 8 and she is just a shade taller.
Quote from: rejennyrated on May 01, 2011, 04:02:04 PM
Even if I wanted to I cant purge because I hate being sick even more than I hate being overweight...
Let me stop you right there. Even if you could purge, DON'T! here is why. Your body absorbes all of the nasties in the food as soon as it hits your stomach... all the fat, all the carbs, all the calories... when you are purge even 10 minutes after eating you are only throwing up the nutritious part of the food (vitamins and minerals) and the waste product (that which will be excreted and passed as feces.)
Also your sodium and potassium levels get all out of wack... your body has a very hard time making a stomach worth of acid every couple hours that you binge and purge. It taxes your system heavily, and leaves you feeling drained.
But even though it sounds awful, it is addicting. It is a natural high that releases as much endorphins as drugs and sex. Stopping was harder than quitting smoking cigarettes. A lot harder.
Just a heads up, in case you get any "ideas" from her or I.
{EDIT}
Oh and Purging with laxitives is worse! You develop a resistance the more you use them (even the non stim kind) so you need to take more and more... this basically strips your whole digestive system of it mucus lining and it WILL kill you.
At my worst, I was 100 lbs (at 5'11"). I was completely restricting, since a stomach operation in 2007 left me without the ability to throw up. Though technically, I might have qualified for the purge subtype diagnosis because, if I was forced to eat more than 300 calories a day, I'd walk 10 to 15 miles the next day to make up for it (easily counted thanks to the markers around the lake near my apartment).
My decision to transition is what saved me. If I had to spend the rest of my life pleasing others, the way I always had, then I wouldn't transition, stop eating, and let myself go into heart failure. Instead, I decided that I wanted to live and I wanted to transition. Though I fretted about every calorie, I got myself back up to 120 lbs (the first three pictures above) without the use of any psychological intervention because I had no health insurance. It was starting HRT four months ago and my desire to have a curvy, feminine body that finally pushed me to gain another 20 lbs and I'm now 140.
Trust me... I know the struggles of counting calories and having maximum allowed weights. :( Been there for so long that my brain still screams at me every day for doing what I'm doing. The mirror shows me how incredibly fat I look now and I bitterly fear becoming another number in America's weight statistic. But through sheer willpower I tell myself it's alright, I'm just becoming healthy again. I don't have anyone in my life to hug me, so I hug myself, cry, feel my newly smooth skin, and dream of a future that I know I'll at least get to have because I'm fighting off anorexia.
Quote from: Citrine Oak on May 01, 2011, 04:09:49 PM
Let me stop you right there.
Not a chance in hell. Seriously you have nothing to worry about...
I'd like to be thinner - but there is no way that I am going to do anything other than what I have done for the last thirty years which is to be proud of my immense cleavage - there really arent too many of us who can honestly say we reached a G cup WITHOUT any breast augmentation... and be happy with the size I am.
Quote from: JungianZoe on May 01, 2011, 04:22:33 PM
...If I was forced to eat more than 300 calories a day, I'd walk 10 to 15 miles the next day to make up for it (easily counted thanks to the markers around the lake near my apartment).
Same hon. I was doing the ABC diet (also known as the Ana diet). Everyday you have a different max number of calories all under 500... and then fast every now and then, it looks like this...
Day 1: 300 cal
Day 2: 150 cal
Day 3: 450 cal
Day 5: fast
Day 6: 200 cal
Day 7: 50 cal
...and so onI also know the exercise well, only 10-15 miles is crazy girl! It was winter when I was struggling I would walk between 4-8 miles a day. One day I decided to cross lake elmo... it was covered in knee deep snow... I got half way out and was iike "WTF AM I DOING?" I decided to silence the hell up and finish crossing, and when I got to the other side I realized that I couldn't get back home unless I walk ALL THE WAY around the lake, or cross back... so I crossed back. I came back (I was living at a treatment center) and when I walked in the door, I collapsed on the floor and blacked out.
We were stupid weren't we girl?
It is amazing we are both alive. And for me toss in 3 suicide attempts in addition (not all in a row, they are spread a couple months apart.) and I am a walking miracle.
Quote from: rejennyrated on May 01, 2011, 04:24:59 PMthere really arent too many of us who can honestly say we reached a G cup WITHOUT any breast augmentation... and be happy with the size I am.
*Jaw falls on the floor*I didn't know they made cups that big! <3
*snuggles up close to jenny's chest*
Gordon Bennett! 450 calories a day! :o I struggle to eat less than 1800 at an absolute bare minimum! No wonder you are thin and I am not.
Quote from: rejennyrated on May 01, 2011, 04:41:37 PM
Gordon Bennett! 450 calories a day! :o I struggle to eat less than 1800 at an absolute bare minimum! No wonder you are thin and I am not.
450 is a horrible number. If you eat that little your body goes into starvation mode, and any weight you lose will be gained right back and more the next time you eat.
The bare minimum that is healthy, and I do mean bare because this isn't healthy either is 1,200 calories a day.
A good diet amount of calories is 1,500, though if you exercise an hour or so a day, you can take in 2000 and still lose.
Quote from: rejennyrated on May 01, 2011, 04:24:59 PM
there really arent too many of us who can honestly say we reached a G cup WITHOUT any breast augmentation... and be happy with the size I am.
:icon_weirdface: Whoa...... and to think I'll think myself lucky to get B's. :laugh:
And wow, Christina, that diet is really extreme! Though not as bad as what I put my body through during my worst time. Not content with a strict limit of 200 per day, I started a little game to see if I could push it down each day to be lower than the day before. It was the 40-calorie followed by the 20-calorie days that scared me enough to stop. I couldn't get out of bed but I couldn't sleep, I was hallucinating, and my mouth was like sandpaper. To be honest, it was so bad at that point that my coworkers were talking about me and my boss one day brought me a case of Ensure. I actually drank them, and though I started restricting some food in order to make up the calorie difference, one of those drinks was more than I used to allow myself in a whole day (and they had vitamins and nutrients I needed).
The first turnaround point for me was a seven-day stretch where I lost three relatives and my now-ex told me she filed for divorce (in that order). Then I watched my grandmother, who was married to the grandfather who died during that awful week, go downhill and pass away seven months later. The second turnaround point was the decision to transition, six months after my grandmother passed. As painful as those memories were, they may all have played a role in saving my life by taking me out of my head long enough to eat mindlessly for awhile.
For the past three months, I've been on a 4,000- to 5,000-calorie per day diet so that I can get some of the curves I want so badly. My anorexic brain hates me, but the rest of my brain, my body, and my soul all love the new me. I'm starting to look like my girlfriends, none of whom are overweight, but look healthy and beautiful. That's all I really want now.
Quote from: Citrine Oak on May 01, 2011, 03:58:39 PM
How tall are you? I am more curious because you mention you should weigh 133. I weigh 135 now after my recovery which I feel fine with, I eat whatever I want :P (whenever I want)
133lbs will put my BMI at just below 20, which will hopefully be enough in the healthy range to get surgery but low enough that I don't feel fat.
Jenny will prety much laugh and spit out her tea (if she's drinking any that is) when she reads this because when I look at myself I think i have a fat sticky out tummy and I hate it.
20 calories a day? [shocked face]
I thought that the month when I'd eat 1200 calories on a good day was pushing it.
Quote from: Helena on May 01, 2011, 05:14:23 PM
133lbs will put my BMI at just below 20, which will hopefully be enough in the healthy range to get surgery but low enough that I don't feel fat.
Jenny will prety much laugh and spit out her tea (if she's drinking any that is) when she reads this because when I look at myself I think i have a fat sticky out tummy and I hate it.
That's unfortunately a side effect of a weight-gain (or refeeding) diet. It's not fat, it's just bloat because your body is becoming re-acquainted with consuming a more normal number of calories. Trust me, after maintaining a normal diet for a while, the sticky-out tummy goes away. :)
There's also a reciprocal lightening of moods that occurs with a healthy intake of fat. We need fat for the glial cells that form the myelin sheaths around our neuronal axons. They speed up neural communication because depolarization (the means by which our nerve cells transmit signals across their membranes) only has to occur at the nodes of Ranvier (the gaps between the myelin sheaths). Stunted neural communication can cause the psychomotor slowing seen in depression, which itself may worsen based on the amount of slowing taking place. That sluggish, can't-get-out-of-bed feeling is the slowing in action. Unfortunately, depression often triggers restricting, which can make depression worse, which triggers more restricting...
It's all about breaking out of these circles that seem so comforting when you're in them, but looking back you wonder why they had such an allure given their danger.
Quote from: Helena on May 01, 2011, 03:43:27 PM
You girls were light, the lowest i got down to was 121lbs, which is way underweight for my hieght but not light enough for a clinical diagnosis of anorexia, though i display all the traits of an anorexic (I fast and calorie count like a deamon). The huge, huge problem I have is not that I can't gain weight, but that I like being the weight I am now...well at last count I'd gained four pounds, but 120lbs was a weight i felt comfortable with (though I could easily push it lower even though I know that doing so would be just takingmyself even further down the rabbit hole). Trouble is I realistically need to be 133lbs minimum if i want to have grs at the end of the year...I know i need to gain weight, trouble is i don't want to.
And gaining weight is a pig, it's just like reverse anorexia...i'm still religiously counting calories and obsessing about what I eat
I used to fast for days too, and I actually convinced myself it was a healthy thing to do, cleaning out all the toxins from the body and all that stuff, not to mention losing weight - and preferably muscle. The thing for me about fasting is, after day two, when the dizziness has subsided, you stop feeling hungry, and you have this amazing sense of clarity. I actually enjoyed it on some level, although I never went past three days mainly because my wife would shout at me for not eating. The sad thing is I know I would have tried to fast for two weeks or more if I had been living alone. After my second fast, it became less about weight loss, and more about being in control - it was like the rest of my life was spiralling out of control, so at least I could control my food intake.
I used to take inspiration from this woman on youtube who undertook two 40 day water fasts for God, with a break of a couple of weeks or something in between. 80 days with only water and vitamin pills. What madness!
I wouldn't have thought you'd need to count calories to gain weight? Or do you just not want go too far beyond calorie surplus? It didn't take me long to gain 25lb, but I enlisted the help of Ronald Mcdonald and Colonel Sanders for a little while.
Quote from: JungianZoe on May 01, 2011, 05:23:05 PM
That's unfortunately a side effect of a weight-gain (or refeeding) diet. It's not fat, it's just bloat because your body is becoming re-acquainted with consuming a more normal number of calories. Trust me, after maintaining a normal diet for a while, the sticky-out tummy goes away. :)
Yeah, I'm still full from the cheesy chips I had 6 hours ago and have only just stopped feeling sick.
Quote from: andream on May 01, 2011, 05:23:55 PM
I wouldn't have thought you'd need to count calories to gain weight? Or do you just not want go too far beyond calorie surplus? It didn't take me long to gain 25lb, but I enlisted the help of Ronald Mcdonald and Colonel Sanders for a little while.
Unfortunately I do, because otherwise I get 1500 calories a day max because that's just my eating habbits...I cheat outrageously, I'm verging on vegitarian but i started having a stupidly big bacon and sauasage roll at work in the morning...not because i particularly enjoyed it, but because all that protien would keep me full all day and i could have a piece of fruit for lunch and more for dinner. I'll eat high fibre foods wich will make me feel fuller and pass through quicker and I'll spend all morning just drinking hot water if i feel hungry. And that happenes on the days when i'm not thinking about how many calories there are in things.
That calmness you feel from a few days of not eating is a decrease in sympathetic (excitatory, fight-or-flight) cardiac response, and an increased parasympathetic (rest-and-digest) response. Basically, your body is in a lullaby state where deep thoughts can occur because not much else is happening.
Fasting to lose muscle mass is particularly dangerous though, because the body doesn't discriminate what muscles it pulls from to draw energy in order to make up the difference between the calories you consume and the caloric requirements for your basal metabolic rate (BMR). The heart muscle is just as likely to be a target for wasting as the bicep. It's why anorexia often kills through heart failure.
Quote from: andream on May 01, 2011, 05:23:55 PM
I wouldn't have thought you'd need to count calories to gain weight?
Very true... except that, even though I've moved to a diet where I eat when I'm hungry (and I'm currently insatiable), the anorexic voice in my brain doesn't let me stop counting. It never stops adding and subtracting every morsel that passes my lips or the calories burned every hour I play my drums. So while I'm not counting toward a limit, I'm still counting. One disturbing thing I've noticed--which I sincerely hope goes away--is that after years of anorexia, I no longer feel full. I can literally sit down and eat an entire bag of Sun Chips, two PowerBars, drink three bottles of water, eat two scoops of ice cream, and not feel a single signal from my stomach that it's time to stop. In fact, after all that, my brain still tells me I'm hungry, though my eyesight tells me I've eaten too much and I'm dizzy. I only know when I've had too much when I get dizzy! It kind of concerns me...
Quote from: Helena on May 01, 2011, 05:39:49 PM
Unfortunately I do, because otherwise I get 1500 calories a day max because that's just my eating habbits...I cheat outrageously, I'm verging on vegitarian but i started having a stupidly big bacon and sauasage roll at work in the morning...not because i particularly enjoyed it, but because all that protien would keep me full all day and i could have a piece of fruit for lunch and more for dinner. I'll eat high fibre foods wich will make me feel fuller and pass through quicker and I'll spend all morning just drinking hot water if i feel hungry. And that happenes on the days when i'm not thinking about how many calories there are in things.
Careful with the greasy sandwiches and then the fiber... that can be a painful combination! :( I also just recently became vegetarian again (last time stopped for health reasons) and studying ways to supplement what I no longer get from a meat diet. It's tricky though! I don't want to wind up in the same health situation I was in before.
QuoteI've been on a 4,000- to 5,000-calorie per day diet so that I can get some of the curves I want so badly
:o now that's not healthy!!
That is what we call the wrong way to put on a few pounds....
Check out this site http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ (http://www.myfitnesspal.com/)
I like to call it the anorexic's toolbox. But your account can be just as easily set up to healthfully gain weight.
Quote from: Citrine Oak on May 01, 2011, 07:02:58 PM
:o now that's not healthy!!
That is what we call the wrong way to put on a few pounds....
Some people burn calories like they were going out of style...I once had a metabolism like that and it also impacted medication requirements. As an example, my MD knew that where a normal person might need 1000mg of an antibiotic on a daily basis, I may very well find myself taking 1500-2Kmg twice daily for the same result. I could also eat almost anything I wanted without gaining weight.
Post-op, I find that metabolisms have slowed down and that I can maintain my current weight with around 2500 calories per day (and while not the best thing for me, easily 1000 of those are from soda consumed in the office). Could I stand to lose a few pounds, yeah...although those that have known me for years keep telling me I look healthier now at the 150ish range than I ever did when I was in the 119-125 range (I'm just shy of 5'11")...and I refuse to give up either my soda habit or my steak and lobster habits.
There's merit to both arguments... such a high calorie intake may not be good in the long run, but I also need such a huge intake to gain weight because of how much I unconsciously burn in a day (on top of already having a lightning-fast metabolism).
I'm a drummer, and I fancy myself a Keith Moon type of drummer. That means an all-out assault on the drums for prolonged periods of time. I can't even run 50 feet on account of underdeveloped lungs--the result of growing up with four packs of secondhand smoke a day--but I can drum like there's no tomorrow. In fact, I can do Keith's fastest stuff for three uninterrupted hours at a pop.
When I'm playing my drums is nearly the only time of day that I'm sitting down. If I sit down at any other time, I'm always tapping my foot, playing drums on my legs, or simply bouncing both of my legs up and down. A doctor once told me I probably burn around 500-600 calories a day just by dong that (which seems like a high number until you see just how much I do it). And I can't tell you how many times I go visit my mom and hear:
"Stop it! The entire floor's shaking!"
"Stop it! The table's shaking!"
"What is that noise? Are you banging on the counter? Stop it!"
"Was that you banging on something?"
"The couch is shaking all the way over here..."
And then there's just the stare. You know the one. ;)
On top of that, I never (ever ever) sit down when I'm on the phone. I can't sit and talk, I have to pace to get the brain going. Same with when I had classes to study for. I'd take the book, walk around with it, read a section, and say it back to myself like I'm in a tutoring session. I work as a university tutor (psychology) and I'm always at the board, drawing stuff, lecturing, or dancing around like a mad fool so that students remember concepts. I may sit down for 10 minutes of my workday, and I never tire of standing.
Have you heard of set point theory? That our bodies have a comfortable weight range that they'll maintain if one eats when they're hungry, stops when they're full, and gets moderate exercise? I think mine is around 145 because that's where I was for 12 years of my life before anorexia took hold. My ravenous appetite right now might be that my body is trying to get back to its set point after years of being so low. Set point is like a thermostat: your body craves extra calories when you dip below, and you won't have much appetite if you go above (until you dip back down to the preferred weight). Of course, my ravenous appetite might also be from the start of HRT, who knows. :laugh: I started HRT at such a low weight that it's tough to tease one from the other now.
So after I gain 5 to 10 more pounds (putting me at 145-150) I'll see if my appetite takes a nosedive.
The lowest I got was 119, and I was damn proud! Yes I know thats not a good attitude.
People would ask if I was sick or something and say I'm too thin, then telling me "you can't be more then 130-140 UGH! Your telling me I am thin but I still look like I weigh maybe 140. At my heaviest in my life I was 165 and I didn't like that.
This is why I hate when I get close to that 130 mark, if I'm at 130 hell I'll look like I'm 150. >:(
I do have some body dysmorphic problems (comes with the territory) I would like to put on some weight, just in the right places. Even at the current weight of 128- 5'7" I still do not look thin to me.
I used to do the "lets not eat for nearly two days" doesn't really take off the weight but surely doesn't add any. Even if you ate like a pig for two days your not going to gain wieght in that short of time.
The reason (although not a problem to me) I don't gain weight is that I have a fairly low fat diet. I started that years ago to loose wieght and now I'm use to eating like that. I also have a hard time sitting still and am fairly active. I hate that I'm on the cp 100% more then ever, only because I take my college courses online. I feel like such a lazy ass.
I do notice though once a month (believe it or not) I retain water, its disgusting, I can pop out my stomach and look exactly like I'm pregnant lady that carries it low.
Shelly
Quote from: Just Shelly on May 01, 2011, 11:10:43 PMEven at the current weight of 128- 5'7" I still do not look thin to me.
Hon, I think it would be beneficial for you to read this... I wrote it to someone else and I do not really want to modify it.
You ever had a time where you saw a really beautiful girl looking back in the mirror? That is because you are now finally able to see your beauty, even if it is just once in a rare while. It happens just like that, we hate ourselves until one day we just look in the mirror to brush our teeth or put on make-up and BAM we are hit with a stunningly beautiful face that we do not recognize staring back at us. The reality is, that beautiful face has been looking at you the whole time... the problem was just that you weren't looking at her face. The brain can create illusions when we look at ourselves and we still see the old us. Same goes for anorexic girls. We were once a normal weight with maybe a little pudge, and months later of starving we still see that pudge even though it is not there. Looking past the illusion we are stunned to find that we look better than we ever could have wished.
Love and Light.
Quote from: JungianZoe on May 01, 2011, 06:03:30 PM
I also just recently became vegetarian again (last time stopped for health reasons) and studying ways to supplement what I no longer get from a meat diet. It's tricky though! I don't want to wind up in the same health situation I was in before.
I'm a vegetarian for many years now and I've never supplemented my diet:
protein from the premade vegetarian foods: pies, southern fried fillets, spicy bean burgers, licolnshire and glamorgan sausages etc, add different breads granary bread, mediterranean bread, tomato bloomer are three favs, then vegetables and fav fruits bananna, pineapple, oranges.
I forgot baked beans (with bread and mayo ofc) with brown sauce god I love that lol.
Vegetarian is a great way to stay healthy. Meat (especially red meat) with the amount that people consume is quite un healthy. I do not want to gross you out, but even though I am Vegetarian, I have a passion for duck blood soup. The blood is just so good! Anyway, if I were to return from being a Veg, I would only consume fish.
Quote from: JungianZoe on May 01, 2011, 06:03:30 PM
Careful with the greasy sandwiches and then the fiber... that can be a painful combination! :( I also just recently became vegetarian again (last time stopped for health reasons) and studying ways to supplement what I no longer get from a meat diet. It's tricky though! I don't want to wind up in the same health situation I was in before.
I don't particularly like doing it...one the meat tastes horrible and two...well I'll not talk about two that much but it's not nice.
I still eat chicken and fish occasionally, but i'm pretty much there, it's just everyso often i get protien cravings.
Yes, the greasy stuff with the fiber! Especially after a recent bout with salmonella. I'm just getting the proper gut flora and enzymes back now. No trumpets last night. I'll try the whistleberry stew soon to see if they did come back. Try Beano.
I, too have those protein cravings. Unsalted, no flavor added peanuts will do, not savory enough to pig out on those things.
Joelene
Just to chip in (sorry)
I'm just on normal weight for a woman my height 170 cms and 62 kilos. But I do not diet I don't do anything except eat high protein meals. I probably eat a cow a week (sorry to you vegans etc :embarrassed:) knock the horns off and pour over some mushroom sauce.
I think there is also also of convincing yourself that you like your body. There is far too much rubbish in magazines about waif thin models etc. Most of them struggle to pick up a cigarette to kill their food cravings.
Why have a life if you cannot enjoy and live it?
I hope that is not insulting to sufferers of eating disorders, it's not meant to be.
Very gentle Hugs
Cindy
Well i've managed to gain about 4lbs over the past couplenof weeks...it's exhausting though trying to make sure i eat enough and i'm not super happy that i have to rely on junk food hit to most days to make sure i get enough.
Can I pick your brains for a minute? You all seem to be much more knowledgeable on these subjects then I.
Situation is as follows:
I'm 23 now, and have been the same weight since I was 15 or so, which is 100-107 lbs. The heaviest I've ever been was 111ish. I'm 5'3"
I'm a very picky eater and have a relatively small library of foods from which I will eat. I don't really enjoy eating but understand the need to do so.
I (generally (i.e. unless forced to)) don't hesitate to eat when I'm hungry, but and not really hungry often.
Using that myfitnesspal.com link, the calculators say that my BMR is between 1,191 and 1,357 and BMI is 18.2 (technically underweight, but very borderline) with a target weight of 104.4 - 141.1 lbs...
My eating habits are not regular (as in same time every day). Generally I end up eating one "big" meal per day with several snacks scattered around. However, in the case where I do eat regular, larger meals, my weight doesn't really change from my average 102-105 range.
Additionally, I've been on HRT for 5 months now and haven't noticed any shape changes, but am obviously developing in the chest, but not too rapidly (A cup so far)
Anyways, just wanted to inquire about if these sorts of values seem reasonable. All of you seem to be significantly taller them I as well as more active, so I'm not sure if I should ignore or pay attention to statements like
Quote from: Citrine Oak on May 01, 2011, 04:45:31 PM
The bare minimum that is healthy, and I do mean bare because this isn't healthy either is 1,200 calories a day.
Thanks everyone for your interesting insight and openness.
I do eat healthy food, lots of fruit and veg, but to get more than 2000 calories I really am having to rely on some kind of junkfoody snack at some point. It annoys me no end.
You look so great sister citrine oak, two thumbs up for you my sister :) :) :)
and the song is very gentle, calm and so nice, I like that song :) :) :)
Quote from: Citrine Oak on May 01, 2011, 03:11:07 PM
Funny you mention it. I just recovered from Purging type Anorexia. I nearly killed myself weighing only 103 pounds at 6 foot 1 inces.
This video goes into more depth with pictures of my transition, but 1/2 of it revolves around my eating disorder, as that became a huge part of my life. So please watch it. (Warning: you will cry)
9 months of my transition: MTF Transsexual (Tear Jerker) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GM-YfW8D7QI#ws)
You gals are making me feel so fat! >.< I'm having to diet because I'm 15 lbs over! I don't eat all that unhealthy, just a lot of Mediterranean foods and no amount of exercise seems to be helping. I'm buxom to say the least, I just wish I could get rid of this pudge I've got.
Quote from: Rini on May 07, 2011, 11:56:41 PM
You gals are making me feel so fat! >.< I'm having to diet because I'm 15 lbs over! I don't eat all that unhealthy, just a lot of Mediterranean foods and no amount of exercise seems to be helping. I'm buxom to say the least, I just wish I could get rid of this pudge I've got.
What I often hear is that it's not about
what you eat, but a matter of energy-in/energy-out. If energy-in (calories) exceeds energy-out (BMR plus physical activity), then weight gain occurs. If the opposite, then weight loss. But finding that delicate balance can often be difficult.
As for my own progress, I'm flirting with the 145 mark for the first time in five years, so it's time to ramp down this mega-calorie diet to a more sensible weight-management one. While I'll miss the almost-daily Baskin Robbins or Dairy Queen runs, I think my stomach (and my bank account) will thank me for the switch. :laugh: I've had some amazing HRT-induced physical changes since I started gaining the weight, and now that I have some fat to redistribute, I can't wait to see more!
Quote from: CindyJames on May 03, 2011, 05:54:24 AM
I'm just on normal weight for a woman my height 170 cms and 62 kilos. But I do not diet I don't do anything except eat high protein meals. I probably eat a cow a week (sorry to you vegans etc :embarrassed:) knock the horns off and pour over some mushroom sauce.
Cindy I had to google a converter :P, and your weight of 136lbs for 5' 10 is a fantastic weight indeed, it's exactly what I'm aiming for myself :)
And you can eat whatever you like :)
Quote from: JungianZoe on May 10, 2011, 02:05:42 PM
As for my own progress, I'm flirting with the 145 mark for the first time in five years, so it's time to ramp down this mega-calorie diet to a more sensible weight-management one. While I'll miss the almost-daily Baskin Robbins or Dairy Queen runs, I think my stomach (and my bank account) will thank me for the switch. :laugh:
just make it a literal run so that the energy in balances with the energy out ;)
now I am nostalgic for both of those...have not been to a DQ in ages (do not even remember the last time I SAW one) although I have gone past 31 flavors on several occasions while in the Houston area.
Meh...I think I just lost all the weight I put on.
Quote from: Ann Onymous on May 10, 2011, 03:07:20 PM
now I am nostalgic for both of those...have not been to a DQ in ages (do not even remember the last time I SAW one) although I have gone past 31 flavors on several occasions while in the Houston area.
Not sure what I'd do without my Blizzards, and I maxed out my allotment of scoops on 31-cent scoop night two weeks ago at BR. :laugh: Two scoops of Icing on the Cake topped by Oreo Cookie? Mmmm....
Quote from: Helena on May 10, 2011, 03:47:26 PM
Meh...I think I just lost all the weight I put on.
Keep up the fight, Helena! I know you have the strength to do it. :) It took me two years to get comfortable with the idea of gaining (even then, not entirely) so don't get discouraged when you stumble.
Quote from: Sarah7 on May 12, 2011, 03:11:05 PM
Me too. I'm back down to 130 after 3 days of not eating properly, and though at least it didn't come off my hips, my waist is down to 26" and my ribs are visible through my skin again. I hate my body so very, very much. :(
:icon_hug: You can do it! The key is loving your body and nurturing your body. And the beautiful thing about tough days is that you always get more days to sort it out and get back on track. If you're alive in this moment, it's never too late for anything.
My brain still screams at me for what I've done, but I drown that out by rubbing my finger on my arm and repeating that I love myself. Not in a narcissistic way, just that I love myself enough to remain healthy. Sometimes I even give myself a hug or hold one of my stuffed animals from when I was a kid, back when I still had baby fat on my body. I tell myself that this is good, my body needs it, and I want to live a long life as my true self.
Took some new pictures last night now that I'm at my target weight... I got all teary when I looked at the before and after. (I know I posted two of these before, but seeing them together shows the real difference).
EDIT: I never mentioned this previously, but my height is 5'11", so that should give you a better idea of height/weight proportions.
Left: 3 weeks before HRT, 120 pounds. Right: 1.5 months HRT, 120 pounds.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theforestatnight.com%2Fsusans%2F2010-12-17%252008.35.17.jpg&hash=bd6a5098cbdbf5efed6501287f78ce7dba6a962c) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theforestatnight.com%2Fsusans%2F2011-02-14%252014.16.55.jpg&hash=813be0a0ffcc26c5aa4b28379acaab8bb28c59f0)
Now: 4.5 months HRT, 145 pounds.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theforestatnight.com%2Fsusans%2F2011-05-11%252023.13.40.jpg&hash=3921e93ffb79eafba87c06ddc7ed0a323bc64a06) (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theforestatnight.com%2Fsusans%2F2011-05-11%252023.18.25.jpg&hash=6951a4be0746177e8297e098866a03d261a92a3e)
Zoe,
You're getting there. The two left panels show a more honest change in your appearance. Your outline has softened some. The side of your face has lost the hollow, that's good. I got the much older, rounder face with the growing jawline fo my age. Not too good, but that is softening.
Joelene
Congrats on the weight gain, Zoe! You're looking good :).
People used to call me anorexic and I would just scoff at the notion, but after reading through this thread, I think I may have come closer to having an eating disorder than I thought.
A lot of themes in here that I am familiar with. Obsessive calorie counting and weighing myself, seeing a tummy in the mirror even though I had bones sticking out everywhere. I was on a strict 1000 calorie diet to lose weight though, not 400 omg! and I stopped losing once I got down almost to the underweight range, so I don't think I was exactly anorexic. The lowest I got was 154 lbs but that was only for about a week, I am about 6'2" and was probably closer to 6'3" back then.
Anyway, now I almost have the reverse problem. Need to lose a bit!
I'm 5'11" and about 140lbs soaking wet. No matter how much I eat. I can't gain weight. Though I also avoid junk food like the plague. Odd thing is I don't think I have ever fallen below 124 lbs in the past 20 years. The low end was after a bout of flu.
This is really going to be a problem when it comes "T&A" development.
Twinkie, scratch that. Little Debbie Swiss cakes here I come.