Hi Guys,

Haven't posted in a while, but just wanted to drop in - lots has been going on!  I've now come out to everyone I know - I've changed my name by Deed Poll and everyone at work, all of my family and friends are using male pronouns and my desired name.  It feels absolutely amazing.  The first day I went to work as the guy I really am, I just felt such relief - I didn't consciously acknowledge how much strain it was putting on me living a kind of 'double' existence.  My mental health is better than it's ever been.  I'm coming towards the end of the NHS waiting list for seeing a gender therapist, so hopefully that will happen soon as well, and I'll be on the right track to get T.  Everyone I know has been in many ways absolutely, astonishingly, fabulously great about my coming out - part of me is still worried (I'm a naturally anxious person, lol) that the other shoe is going to drop, and a larger part of me is just so happy that I'm lucky enough to have family and friends that either understand this, or are making an effort to understand it.  I know it mustn't be like that for everyone, and I may still yet experience unpleasantness or transphobia somewhere along the road - I'm still on my guard.  Although I've had a positive experience so far, I must stress, I'm not advocating social transition pre-T as a rule - I understand that this may be untenable or dangerous for many people, and to be honest, I do wish *I* could have taken T before I came out, and would have, were it possible to do it that way on the NHS.

You see, although I've been so lucky in my relatives' and friends' reactions, I just wondered - has anyone else transitioning in the UK through the NHS found it a bit difficult and 'arse-backwards' having to transition socially completely before you get any treatment?  My friend, who has contacts with the gender clinic I'll be attending, tells me it's necessary to have lived full-time for at least six months before they'll consider you for hormones, which was a great factor in my choosing to come out at the time I did - I know that I need T to be completely happy, and I wanted to ensure I'd get it as quickly and with as few road blocks as possible.  The thing is, this way round of doing things puts certain spanners in the works.  I feel like a man, everyone I'm out to acknowledges me, or is at least trying to, as male, but without the hormones I'm still not passing a great deal of the time.  People who know me are still slipping up a lot, using female pronouns, and my birth name, and they tell me that they know they'll find it easier when I begin to change physically.  I'm asking new people I encounter, or people I speak to over the phone, to accept and acknowledge that I'm a man, and I can tell that they don't believe it.  I had an unpleasant experience recently with a taxi driver who kept calling me 'Young Lady,' and when I corrected him completely refused to believe that I was male - he turned on the light over my seat, took a good long look at me and said, 'No.  You're female.'  I should have informed him that he didn't get to decide my gender, thank you very much, but I was so taken aback that I simply insisted I was a man and left it at that.  He then began to talk un-prompted about his niece who was a lesbian and moved on from there to some strange monologue about sex toys.  I think he thought he'd stepped into 'Tipping the Velvet' or something.  It was all very disconcerting.

What I'm trying to say, I suppose, is that although I understand that the NHS gender clinics have to make absolutely sure that people are certain in their gender identity before they offer hormones with irreversible physical effects, at the same time, it's a bit of a Catch-22.  I can't fully and effectively live as a man in day-to-day life without the hormones, which is what I'm required to do to *get* the hormones.  I believe in my heart that I'm a man, and I'm taking control of how people perceive me as much as I can, but there's only so far that will work without actually being able to *present* fully as a man.  I don't want to sound churlish, of course, about the NHS.  Despite the insanely long waiting lists and the lack of funding that's channelled into this particular area of treatment, I'm incredibly grateful that I live in a country where there's a health care system that allows me to transition at little or no financial cost.  I honestly don't know what I would have done, otherwise, as I have no money, and I know many of you in the same situation have had to pay for your counselling and meds - immense respect.  It just seems to me, from a trans person's point of view, that maybe certain things could be re-thought to make transitioning less difficult and dangerous.

I'm also very aware, you see, of the risks it might pose to my personal safety.  I live in a rather rough part of town (eek, well... a very rough part of town, if I'm honest.  It's the most notorious street in the town for violence and general 'party-time' unpleasantness on Saturday nights), though it's ridiculously cheap and the only place I can afford at the moment.  I'm trying to find the right balance between avoiding paranoia and being realistically cautious about staying safe, particularly as I work in one of the social 'hot spots' of town, in a very visible entertaining role, and consequently know, and am known by, an awful lot of people in the area. 

For the minute, most people seem to be harmlessly (although occasionally a little annoyingly, lol) curious and even excited that something they've so rarely encountered (and something that they've recently seen on Big Brother!) is happening in this tiny town.  The annoyance, of course, has been far outweighed by the fact that people are so far being nice, and communicative, and very open-minded about it.  There have been a lot of questions, and even some moments when people I barely know have come up to me and told me they think I'm brave.  I'm immeasurably touched by this, but also a little embarrassed, if I'm honest, as I don't feel as though I really had a choice in this.  It was something I needed to do for my own happiness and well-being.  Yes, there is a certain bravery in it, but it seems to me that it would have been just as brave, though perhaps ill-advised, to bear the pain of trying to live as someone I'm not.  It's swings and roundabouts.  Swings, roundabouts, and those bouncy animal things that rock backwards and forwards when you sit on them.  And those rows of tyres attached to chains.  And see-saws and climbing frames.

I'm starting to ramble now.  I'll stop.  So much is changing, in many ways for the better, but it's also strange and new and scary and difficult, and I just wanted to write it down somewhere.

Thanks for reading, if you've got this far!   

Thanks for taking the time to write all this. It must have taken you awhile and you clearly have alot on your mind!

Also, Id like to just say how I really am with you when you said:

Quote from: Clive on September 27, 2012, 03:24:49 PM
Despite the insanely long waiting lists and the lack of funding that's channelled into this particular area of treatment, I'm incredibly grateful that I live in a country where there's a health care system that allows me to transition at little or no financial cost.  I honestly don't know what I would have done, otherwise, as I have no money, and I know many of you in the same situation have had to pay for your counselling and meds - immense respect. 

Although it has been a long and stressful and terrible road at times, I would not even be alive right now if it werent for the NHS. I too have great respect for those who have the strength and tough patience to go through transition without medical assistance. There is no way in hell I could have afforded any of my treatment. Hell, I could have gotten T 4 years earlier if Id had the £200 to go private but couldnt spare anything!

Anyway, Ive rambled now!

Clive, I wanted to let you know that I can on some level understand your predicament.
Although for me, being so young, I could blend in abit more as a really young looking teen. Its not like I had to face full time employment pre T. I did voluntary work, school then 6th form college and had part time work, but I pulled off the teen look well.
However, there were the moments where people didnt know what I was.
Those awkward moments where two people are talking to or about me then they both realize they are using different pronouns, so then begins the question of who is correct on this young person's gender?!
   I just couldnt face going out into the world, where people could see how wrong I looked. I passed most of the time, but it didnt help the self esteem and confidence when there were times when I didnt pass at all. How would you know what situation is going to come next? Will it be good or bad?
   What made it worse was when I passed, then my family would start using the wrong pronouns, and "correct" people.
I was so desperate to start T. I already knew who I was, and frustratingly, how I should be developing. But with my body betraying me, how would people fully take seriously, what Im saying when my body and society is saying another thing?
This made my fear of going out so bad, I literally would go 6months without leaving the house other than when forced to go to 6th form. And my frustration of the slow road in the NHS, became worsened.

BUT (and its a big but) it is all truly worth it.
The thing is, as long as the road is that you have to walk down in order to tick all the boxes within the NHS, and as socially demeaning or awkward each day could be, it is all worth.
I remember the days when literally I couldnt go 5 waking minutes without being depressed over my situation. Yeah, now I can remember it, but thats only when I stop to think. Those are cares and worries that have passed. It doesnt matter anymore, in a good way. In a way that Im much more comfortable and happy.

I know youre not asking for this kind of advice. Youre not someone who is new to transition by the sounds of it. And you seem pretty positive (which is great, and more than what I can say about myself back when waiting for T) so Im sure youre sure of where the NHS will take you and that you just need to stay strong in the meantime, but I thought Id put all this anyway.

I think back, and I dont know how I got through the catcth-22 bit, but I managed to!
And you will too. Keep staying positive, and its great to hear of the support you seem to have surrounding you. Thatll probably be the biggest thing to carry you through
   I wish you luck in seeing your gender therapist.
The best thing you can do in your favour, is to keep evidence documenting you living full time as you. Your name change, and say, work things thats in your name etc. Give them proof of you already having lived the required 6 months (although some gender clinics have different standards to follow. Hopefully yours wont be how mine were, they wouldnt accept any evidence that was outside of their care. So my RLE started after I saw them. BUT, this was quite a few years ago and  I know theyve improved since then).

If there is anything you feel like could be helpful that youd like to ask about anything surrounding this, youre free to message me

Good luck!

Massive thanks Mate - to begin with, for reading all of that, lol, and also of course for the advice.  I'm always open to any kind of advice.  And it does comfort me and give me hope to know that you've gone through pretty much the same process and that you've been able to put those worries behind you, now.  I certainly will document living full time - I've got copies of the Deed Poll, one of which I'm going to send to the Gender Clinic, and I've informed them of the name change.  Fingers crossed they'll let my RLE begin from when my name changed - I'll have to wait and see!

Thanks again, Man, and thanks for the offer of further advice, too - I may just message you if any burning questions arise!

In my experience with the NHS they were very by the book. There was a certain amount of assessments I had to have before they would give me a diagnosis. Then I had to do RLE and then I got considered for T and then finally I was out on the waiting list for hormones. I think in all it took a little more then a year from my first assessment to me getting on the waiting list for T.
It was incredibly annoying and long winded but I found the best thing I could do was be completely compliant with them.
I have developed a good relationship with my therapist who has been with me from the beginning and basically because of this she has been singing my praises and trying her best to speed things up wherever she can.

It may however be a bit quicker for you, I didn't start going full time till I was quite far into the assessments. In my case once my assessments had finished they said I had to do 3 months RLE and then they would put me on the waiting list for T because that also would take around 3 months which would give me my 6 months. Rather then make me do 6 months then put me on the waiting list.

I know that going full time when you don't always pass is stressful and sometimes embarrassing. I was lucky in that I could pass as a 12-13 year old boy, but I got clocked an awful lot at work because obviously I looked far too young to have a job so they assumed I must be female. What I did at work (it's kinda rough there too lol) was I just let then think what they wanted. It bugged me but I felt it was safer then saying actually I'm a guy and have them not believe me. It's just something you have to put up with for a while and yeah it is kinda backwards that the NHS expect you to do it without hormones. I know at least for MTF's they allow them to start hormones first because its so much harder for them to pass. I suppose though they just have to cover there own backs.

I hope things go well for you anyways, I'm sure they will. Just try to look on the bright side. It will take a while but you will get on T and you will start passing more.

I'm basically going full-time pre-t right now. and although i'm tall and that guarantees me a pass at first, i'm extremely worried that as the semester goes on the guys in my class are going to know somethings up. i'm doing construction technology at community college and right now just taking a wiring class and it's all male. i actually skipped class tonight because everytime i looked in the mirror i just saw female and it scared me. it's definitely hard.

I delayed T until my daughter seemed like she understood what was going on and I was sure she wouldn't be upset by the changes. So there was close to a year of being out and semi-transitioned without hormones. I had some stuff like the cab driver scenario you described. It wasn't a whole lot of fun but was better than being closeted. I had to learn to navigate life a bit more carefully.

Good luck with it and I hope you get T soon. Your voice dropping will make a huge difference.

I've also started to go full time, pre-T, officially from the beginning of August, and I feel alot more comfortable now that I have the right name, as well as having people around me know about my current situation.

However, as mentioned above, it's sooo difficult to have to be around those people when it's clear they have problems with viewing me as male because I'm still just too female, physically. I hate talking to everyone, as I feel my voice lets me down every single time, especially in that moment where I might actually be passing then BOOM my voice swings someone to think 'Female'. It's frustrating. And tedious. I am so greatful for our NHS and without it, I wouldn't be where I am now. But jumping through their hoops makes me feel so dysphoric at times.

I've got an appointment with a clinicial psychologist next wednesday and I appreciate that the NHS wants to make sure this is right for me (regardless of how certain I feel), I still need to prove to them that I don't have like, multiple personalities or whatever. It's at times patronizing and insulting.

The main thing I'm finding difficult at the moment, still having more estrogen floating around me than testosterone, is interacting with guys. I identify alot more with men in general, but I've found myself with a ton of female friends, at uni, my entire class is bloody female, lol. Which I feel outs me as FAAB, as they all sit around me and I have no guts to sit by any other guys. I avoid talking to guys at all cost. I know for certain they'd clock me and definately because of my voice.

I cannot wait for T!!!

Ah, the trials and tribulations of transitioning via the NHS, the pros and cons lol.

Keep in mind that you will likely only pass until you don't look under 20 anymore (regardless of your chronological age). The reason some of you pass pre-T is that you are passing by looking pre-the end of puberty. I am maybe beginning to, I wouldn't say pass, but I think people aren't sure sometimes. I've had people with me or around me and they say "ma'am" to them and just "thanks" to me, not "sir". This happened since I got the hair cut.

So get on the danged list and jump thru the hoops so when the time comes... If you want to go as male. The PITA is that the NHS seems to make you go thru LOTS of hoops and are VERY by the book, but they end up paying for everything. Here in the US, we have lots fewer hoops but lots of people can't afford anything. Here in NM we have free clinics but it only will cover T. I think this is better than a lot of states.



--Jay J