I've been back and forth quite a bit about whether transitioning is right for me, and the only defense I get for my male side is that when I do crossdress, most often alone in my house, I get to feeling very hollow and empty... that it is, exactly what it is... a costume, nothing with substance.  And yet, I find myself thinking about wanting to dress up, wanting to act and be female and live and act as a female would, and these thoughts are constant.   Could this depressive and empty feeling I get from crossdressing be a red flag that this is wrong, or could it be a white flag telling me I need something much more substantial?

While the costume was on, it helped feeling a bit better, but it was incredibly hard to remove it and go back to my normal aspect. The "feel bad" thing skyrockets after the crossdressing session, like if they allowed you to taste one potato chip and immediately took the bowl away..

For me, the costume was presenting male. Wearing male clothes was cross dressing to me. When I wear women's clothes, I finally feel real. I no longer feel like I am cross dressing. The only thing that upset me when wearing women's clothes is that I looked like a guy in women's clothes. That really made me feel depressed.

I agree with Brooke, I hate having to present as a male and it feels like a facade every day. I hate buying male clothes to have to wear them but until I have the correct bits dressing in womens clothes wont feel correct either, until its fixed by hormones and surgery. Work is currently underway and will slowly start washing away my maleness I have never wanted one day at a time. I look forward to a getting nice bras to do the job they are designed for. Wear a beautiful dress without looking like a guy, showing curves, wear sensuous underwear with nothing to hide. In other words yes it depresses me when I do crossdress as it is not the clothes but what's underneath that is most important for me.

back when I wore the correct clothes, i.e. Crossdressed, I felt more complete.

As much as I loved to crossdress at home for years and years it eventually did make me feel very depressed because I stayed hidden. I didn't understand then, that I could go out and live my life as myself.

  I never really minded wearing male clothes but I've come to understand now consciously a very important difference.  When I wear male clothes I use them to disguise my physical features because I am embarrassed by them in a male presentation.  When I wear female clothes I want them to hug my body and highlight my physical features because they present more appropriately as female and I feel attractive and more at peace.  There are some features I can change in the future to complete this picture and the other things that I cannot are not significant enough to worry about I believe.

  You probably feel empty because you know dressing is something only temporary and private right now.  Myself I hate that I have so little time to play around with my image at home and it's something I can't share.  Not being out yet I always have to be on guard that someone will come home because I have to have enough time to strip off the 'costume'.  If you were able to spend more time 'in character' and share that with friends or others you may find that you feel different and better about it.  Only time will tell for me as I have more chances in the coming year to present a female image to real people in my city.  I don't see though how you could "constantly" think about living as a female if it wasn't truly the foundation of your character.

  I have worked very hard over the summer to consciously embrace what I see as female aspects of my character and the way I physically move and gesture in public.  Like others I've realised that I've been wearing a male costume all along and it is slowly being stripped away at the mental level.  I am working towards a place in my head where I don't need the female clothes to know who I am and how I feel about it.  Concentrate on that and you will know in your heart whether the clothes complete you or not.  If you achieve the right head-space then the clothes will be like 'icing on the cake'.  In other words, you gotta bake the cake first.

In my late teens no matter how good I felt cross-dressed there was always a terrible ammount of guilt afterwards. From some of what I read this isn't all that untypical. Even after I basically realized that I needed to dress occasionally, still plenty of guilt. After all, I wanted to me "Normal". I made a choice, twice, between transition and faking it.

Fast foward some 30 years. The guilt is now replaced by incredible sadness switching back to male mode. You can perhaps call it depression. Depression over having to switch back. For the longest time now it isn't "cross-dressin", seeing myself as Joanne, living a few hours as her, even if it was just once a month, was a necessity. These days it is much more then seeing, it is living, beleiving, it is knowing I can live my life-long dream, if only......

Yes, I am sad. No longer that joyous person. Just that empty shell of one having to do what needs to be done. What I signed on for. Holding on to that dream. Cheerishing those hours to days that I am being the real and true me.

Maybe I'm going a bit past my comfort level, I'm overwhelming myself by trying to dress full female all at once... kinda like... the clothing and all that is there, but when I would look in the mirror, I would see my father in a skirt or what ever I was wearing at the time    Perhaps I need to look at a means of dressing androgynous bit by bit, and slowly working my way over to female fashion? I know I already have a love for female clothing, I just need to work on my look a bit at a time... 

So hmm... does anyone have any tips for dressing androgynously?

I dress far less 'fancy' than I did before going FT.  It is a strange feeling I just dress as me, a woman, I have thrown all of my male clothes out. Before that the only way to keep sane was to dress in female clothing as often as I could. Even on coming home from work. Now I'm more taking off my skirt and blouse and putting a pair of trackies on when I come home. It feels sort of odd in quite a nice way. I'd never have thought I would get to the point of thinking, Goddess it's good to take those heels off and put on slippers

Quote from: PaigeMtl on October 06, 2012, 07:39:01 PM
As much as I loved to crossdress at home for years and years it eventually did make me feel very depressed because I stayed hidden.

This is how I feel and one of the reasons I never go to TV do's anymore. It's as if people are saying do what you want as long as I don't have to look at you. I rarely dress at home for this reason.

Quote from: Firecat on October 06, 2012, 01:49:03 PM
the only defense I get for my male side is that when I do crossdress, most often alone in my house, I get to feeling very hollow and empty... that it is, exactly what it is... a costume, nothing with substance.  And yet, I find myself thinking about wanting to dress up, wanting to act and be female and live and act as a female would, and these thoughts are constant.   Could this depressive and empty feeling I get from crossdressing be a red flag that this is wrong, or could it be a white flag telling me I need something much more substantial?

Hi Firecat,
This describes me pretty much to a t pre-transition. I'll try to explain how it made me feel but you've already done a good job explaining it. For me, it felt more like a brain thing than a wearing clothes thing. When I'd wear girl clothes it would be a reminder of what I wasn't. I'd see myself in the mirror and be like "oh, wow, that's gross" and take them all off. I remember going out with a friend I was visiting in Colorado and feeling just so not right, like kinda of a clown or something, definitely like I was wearing a costume. It was honestly more of an act than being in male mode. I was wearing clothes I wasn't comfortable with, make-up I wasn't comfortable with, shoes I wasn't comfortable with, a voice I wasn't comfortable with dealing with feelings and emotions I wasn't comfortable with. It was depressing and empty, much like you said.

So why did I feel that way especially since I don't feel that way now and I'm pretty much transitioned at this point? I was living my life where people saw me as male. Playing dress up on the weekends or at night wasn't going to make me feel any better; in fact, it made me feel worse. I knew nothing about living my life female back then, as much as inside I totally knew who I was for such a long time. I think for me it was so unfathomable to live female where people saw me as female that anything less than that was a big fat fail. I didn't want to be seen as "a man in girl clothes" at all. I'd rather have stayed where people saw me as a guy than that. I think feeling that way was blah and had it's own issues but I'm just describing to you how I felt.

I don't know your particular situation and I'd never tell you what to do, but I would recommend not dismissing the feelings you have when you dress as indicative of anything other than you hate crossdressing. That has no bearing on whether you should transition, whether it would be right for you. I don't believe that someone who just throws on female accoutrements and walks outside and interacts with the world, no matter how much they "feel" like a girl should accept society's feedback as a green light or red light about transition. Counseling, HRT, coming out to people, giving time for HRT to work, developing your own clothing style, getting comfortable with make-up (if that's your thing), learning what it means to you to live in a world where you are saying "hey, this is me" and having the "me" be female. The 'wanting to act and dress and live as female' is perfectly normal I think but it might take a few years to get there, and a lot of planning. So don't get down on yourself, ok?

I think back to the times I dressed as a girl before transition and how I feel now. Back then I think I was searching for something that would make me feel comfortable in my own skin. It had the opposite effect. Now, most days I wear make up but not foundation and blush like I did before and NO blue eyeshadow and red lipstick, lol. I wear eye makeup and moisturizer because that's what makes me feel comfortable. I don't wear skirts at all but I like to wear dresses and jeans quite a bit. I'm just living a very normal female life where everyone I interact with seems to see me as female. That is what I wanted all along, no matter what clothes I was wearing. Be open with yourself, don't beat yourself up and don't ever let anyone tell you "you must do xyz to be trans" or anything like that. Best of luck Meghan

I find dressing a double edged sword.  Relaxing to be in the right mode, but frustrating to know its currently temporary.   I would add, commuting to work, and seeing women in great outfits, while in boy mode, is a stark reminder of the distance I have to travel.

Quote from: MeghanAndrews on October 07, 2012, 09:05:52 AM
Hi Firecat,
This describes me pretty much to a t pre-transition. I'll try to explain how it made me feel but you've already done a good job explaining it. For me, it felt more like a brain thing than a wearing clothes thing. When I'd wear girl clothes it would be a reminder of what I wasn't. I'd see myself in the mirror and be like "oh, wow, that's gross" and take them all off. I remember going out with a friend I was visiting in Colorado and feeling just so not right, like kinda of a clown or something, definitely like I was wearing a costume. It was honestly more of an act than being in male mode. I was wearing clothes I wasn't comfortable with, make-up I wasn't comfortable with, shoes I wasn't comfortable with, a voice I wasn't comfortable with dealing with feelings and emotions I wasn't comfortable with. It was depressing and empty, much like you said.

I'm generally very shy, and its hard for me not to feel like a complete alien, even amongst my own kind (and I'm strongly beginning to feel that it is you all on this forum). The one thing I admire most above all else as a quality in a person, is the ability to express oneself, and be who they are inside, and not worry about what others think about it.

Looking back on my life to date (I'm only 24 right now, but still), within the last 10 years, I've been reclusive, awkward, I've had some friends but there was never any depth to those friendships, I was always very quiet, interested in nothing but playing games and whatnot... then when I'd come home, I'd go back to my little online universe where I could put on that female persona and relax and speak freely and be myself, but feeling this immeasurable guilt that 1. I was finding happiness based on a lie, and 2. I couldn't be that person that made me feel good, with whom others had potentially developed feelings for in the past.

I've always just tried to be myself in life, but I've only ever been able to truly open up to those who believe I am female, or those who I know won't judge me for talking about crossdressing and transitioning... once those floodgates open, there is no closing them for me.... and my mother is most certainly not going to be one of them.

Quote from: JennTO on October 07, 2012, 10:49:00 AM
I find dressing a double edged sword.  Relaxing to be in the right mode, but frustrating to know its currently temporary.   I would add, commuting to work, and seeing women in great outfits, while in boy mode, is a stark reminder of the distance I have to travel.

That is exactly how I feel! I work in food service, and I see people coming in day in day out wearing great clothing or with a cute face or nice body, and I'm not thinking the typical "Oh I want to get with that" but rather my heart feels a bit deflated and I think "Damn, I wish that was me." And its made even worse when almost every girl I see has a boyfriend or girlfriend, something that I, by the age of 24 have never experienced. 

I will say i did ask a girl out one time, but then her girlfriend walked in--seems like most girls I'm attracted to are either bi or lesbians, so I wonder what that says about me   

Quote from: Firecat on October 07, 2012, 10:56:55 AM
I'm generally very shy, and its hard for me not to feel like a complete alien, even amongst my own kind (and I'm strongly beginning to feel that it is you all on this forum). The one thing I admire most above all else as a quality in a person, is the ability to express oneself, and be who they are inside, and not worry about what others think about it.

Looking back on my life to date (I'm only 24 right now, but still), within the last 10 years, I've been reclusive, awkward, I've had some friends but there was never any depth to those friendships, I was always very quiet, interested in nothing but playing games and whatnot... then when I'd come home, I'd go back to my little online universe where I could put on that female persona and relax and speak freely and be myself, but feeling this immeasurable guilt that 1. I was finding happiness based on a lie, and 2. I couldn't be that person that made me feel good, with whom others had potentially developed feelings for in the past.

I've always just tried to be myself in life, but I've only ever been able to truly open up to those who believe I am female, or those who I know won't judge me for talking about crossdressing and transitioning... once those floodgates open, there is no closing them for me.... and my mother is most certainly not going to be one of them.
That is exactly how I feel! I work in food service, and I see people coming in day in day out wearing great clothing or with a cute face or nice body, and I'm not thinking the typical "Oh I want to get with that" but rather my heart feels a bit deflated and I think "Damn, I wish that was me." And its made even worse when almost every girl I see has a boyfriend or girlfriend, something that I, by the age of 24 have never experienced. 

I will say i did ask a girl out one time, but then her girlfriend walked in--seems like most girls I'm attracted to are either bi or lesbians, so I wonder what that says about me   

  You've described me almost exactly, just replace gaming with other distractions.  I have a number of plush animals including two alien characters because I felt an immediate kinship with them.

  Most of my trouble has been that I had no understanding of trans to relate my feelings to until very recently.  Crossdressing in my teens and not having a clue why was pretty distressing.  You're lucky to be asking these questions at 24 because I made it all the way to 35 before I had enough information to put all the pieces together.  I reached bottom with notion that I had no idea why I felt so bad and no idea how to get better.  It is an incredibly miserable place to feel physically and mentally bad, helpless, lonely, like a zombie, to just drag yourself along as an obligation to others like a script and to also know I wasn't the kind of person that could end my life.  I also had to keep most of it to myself because everyone either doesn't want to hear about your problems or just assumes it's like how lots of other people are stressed and depressed.

  It has been rather enlightening to look back and realise that every girl that was a friend to me or was actually a bit interested had some sort of 'role-war' going on in their head too.

I'm so glad I posted this topic here last night; I was feeling very uneasy and questioning myself and the choice I've been consciously and subconsciously making for the last 8-10 years (more-so as time goes on, and especially within the last year to a year and a half)... and knowing how similar my thought patterns and desires and story are to some, if not most of you is very invigorating, and it makes me feel a lot more confident that I might truly be doing the right thing for me.

Quote from: MeghanAndrews on October 07, 2012, 09:05:52 AM
For me, it felt more like a brain thing than a wearing clothes thing. When I'd wear girl clothes it would be a reminder of what I wasn't. I'd see myself in the mirror and be like "oh, wow, that's gross" and take them all off. I remember going out with a friend I was visiting in Colorado and feeling just so not right, like kinda of a clown or something, definitely like I was wearing a costume. It was honestly more of an act than being in male mode. I was wearing clothes I wasn't comfortable with, make-up I wasn't comfortable with, shoes I wasn't comfortable with, a voice I wasn't comfortable with dealing with feelings and emotions I wasn't comfortable with. It was depressing and empty, much like you said.

This. No matter the gil clothing, the make up... The inside still felt the same, a man in a dress. I don't know how people would react to me if they saw me crossdressing, but when it comes to me... It does not change a single thing. It stills feels like a male body with male acting, lying about everything, while the T keeps wercking havoc on my scalp. I hope the therapy does not take a long time... I guess that's why I was considering RLE useless. I felt it would no make me feel different inside, but just make me hate even more what I am now.

In fact, I think I only did the crossdressing thing just to make sure that this wasn't only a crossdressing fetish. Although dressing in a more androgynous form or adding a few touchs to the male presentation while I keep it under the socially acceptable range helps a bit with the day to day.

Quote from: Rotten Apple on October 07, 2012, 12:58:52 PM
In fact, I think I only did the crossdressing thing just to make sure that this wasn't only a crossdressing fetish. Although dressing in a more androgynous form or adding a few touchs to the male presentation while I keep it under the socially acceptable range helps a bit with the day to day.

That is the hardest part right there, figuring out whether its just a fetish or not. I truly want to believe deep in my heart that mine is not, but can shamefully admit that I've been a lot more sexually inclined than I ever should have been, and most recently I've decided to give up my self-indulging habits once and for all, to prove to myself at least that there is more to my dream than something sex related.

That, and I'd heard that decreasing said sorts of activity may actually help with hair loss, depression, anxiety, stress, fatigue, the works

I never wore a single article of female clothing till the day I went full time. I hated my body, and the last thing in the world I wanted to do was draw attention to how broken it was by wearing girl clothes. I did gravitate towards the femmiest guy clothes I could find, but somehow that didn't count in my head because they were still labelled guy clothes.

Oh, and my current wardrobe is maybe 50% girl clothes and 50% guy clothes... almost all of which I've purchased after I went full time. I just like how they look on me, now that my body is so different. Also, I'm very queer.

Quote from: Firecat on October 07, 2012, 02:03:20 AM
So hmm... does anyone have any tips for dressing androgynously?

The concept is simple: rather than adding female cues for your clothing, you just remove most of the masculine ones. Basically it means finding clothing that could easily come from either side of the store. Women's jeans are a good choice - bootcut or skinnies, depending on your body. Women's tshirts can work if you are slim and have some kind of hips. Or men's tight-fitted v-neck tshirts that don't have sport crap all over them. Fitted button-ups for men and button-ups for women are fairly similar - just undo the top 2-3 buttons on the men's ones.

Black and silver jewelery is kind of a thing for guys now, and it looks damn sexy on girls too. Hoodies are basically designed to be androgynous - the stuff in the women's section just tends to be mildly less bulky. Jackets are pretty cool and similar across the gender divide as well. I have a nice military green one from the men's and a peacoat-style black one from the women's.

Fashionable Asian clothing stores have some super girly styles for guys if there is anything like that near you and you feel adventurous. They tend to only fit very slim / small-boned folks though. It certainly helps to be fairly slim with a slender frame for most of this stuff. There is a reason all the super androgynous models look like stick figures. Height is less of an issue other than it can be a pain for women's long-sleeves (I'm 6' tall, but otherwise kind of tiny).

You can also shape your eyebrows without going ultra femme-y and try to make whatever facial hair shadow you have invisible. And make sure you have a really good skin care regime. Messy skin is a very male cue.

FYI, if you take that look out in public you are going to look gay. It may be a toss-up whether you look guy gay or girl gay (especially after you start hormones). But people are going to see some kind of gay. You need to be okay with that or already used to it.

As a child it would make me very hapy dressing up in my mums clothes but it was easier to see myself as a little girl pre-puberty.
When I hit puberty I stopped dressing as female for many years. The feelings never went away but it wasn't safe for me to dress as female. I eventualy moved into a place where I had my own front door about 15 years ago & resumed dressing as female, it made me happy & sad at the same time, the clothes felt right but my reflection was still male.
Now that i've improved my make-up it makes me very content to be female, I don't pass to others yet but I do pass to myself (if that makes sense to you).

Now that i'm on the path to transition any negative thoughts about my inability to fully pass can be pushed aside with the thought that it's only a matter of time before i'm no lkonger male