I do hope that my rant is welcome. I'm a little worried that it may be very personal, but I digress...


A little background:

I'm female bodied. I feel more comfortable as a male, and am likely FTM. My mother says she'll always accept me no matter what, but what she says, and what she does are two very different things. First of all, she never calls me, "He". I assume that's a common problem, and I haven't made a huge fuss about that yet. She also has said I look, "sloppy" in male clothing, and that I'd be a funny looking guy at my height. She gets upset when I bind (even though I do own a real binder), and told me this evening that I didn't look good in it. She pulled her breasts up to demonstrate. This irritated me, but not as much as when she reached down to feel my crotch in order to be sure I wasn't packing. It was a rather awkward situation, since she thought I was packing, but in reality she just felt my fat. I angrily told her a few times that I wasn't packing at all, and she didn't believe me at first. Finally she realized it. She agreed that it was awkward, but still seems to think she has a right to do this stuff, even though I'm an adult!

So basically "accepting me no matter what" means she'll accept me if I'm a girl just like she wanted, who dresses girly, and doesn't bind, and doesn't pack. Obviously she won't kick me out regardless (which I'm thankful for, and know a lot of people aren't as lucky as me), but still...

You said it yourself, you're an adult. Adults have their own homes and have their own lives. Get an apartment, or start saving up for one. A friend once said to me "Nothing tastes better than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If it's made in your house, on your table, with your knife."  Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on November 09, 2012, 07:58:55 PM
You said it yourself, you're an adult. Adults have their own homes and have their own lives. Get an apartment, or start saving up for one. A friend once said to me "Nothing tastes better than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If it's made in your house, on your table, with your knife."  Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks for the support!

Unfortunately, I'm still only just learning how to drive. I never learned as a teen. I don't have any friends that I can live with just yet, and I can't seem to find a job.

There are always hurdles. It's no reason not to run the race! I live alone, and always have. I've been without a car, food, and heat. There's always a way. Hugs, Devlyn

Devlyn's right.

I think you'll find that the sort of problems you're having are not uncommon and many of the men on here have been or are there.

As for your mother behaving in that way. I'm sorry, but she's undermining you. And I'm sorry to say, that mothers have been doing that since the dawn of time. Though it is incredably annoying. 

I won't even begin to suggest anything simply because, at the end of the day, this is about your relationship with your mother.  I so wish it were easy, but the reality is, your mom has an enormous head start on you, (as they always do with their kids!!).

The conventional way to deal with it is to leave home.

But please, don't go away with the idea anyone here is not taking it seriously. It's just that none would willingly come between a mom and child. 

In my opinion, no one has a right, at your age, to feel between your legs. That's sexual abuse. You have a right to tell your mother that that is not okay.

As for the other stuff, you might have to educate your mother. Things that are obvious to us, others often don't realize. Might help to repeat things like:

* You didn't choose this.
* There is no way to fix or cure being transgender and it typically doesn't go away on its own.
* Experience with transgender people tends to show they do best when they live in a way that is true to their identity.
* Denying or suppressing transgender feelings is dangerous. Suicide is common among transgender people forced to deny their identity.

Her attitude might change as she better understands transgender.

Good luck, Merek.

Living location is an issue for I still live with my folks(have tried moving out) but due to several health issues I am unable to work and am on a Disability Pension(won't go into it) so getting my own place is an issue both for expence and somewhat living reasons, though i do hope i can get my own place sometime preferably soon.

I agree though as an adult and really most ages no one has the right to touch you down stairs without your consent even if they are your mother, that is just too much of an invasion of privacy/personal space.

Not to mention it is none of her business whether you are packing or not it is your body and your life, whether she likes it or not.

Thank you for the replies. I really do appreciate all the advice.

Yes, I agree, whether she knew it or not, it was a form of sexual abuse. I doubt the "I didn't choose this" argument will work for her, since she seems convinced that I'm just pretending to be male. What might work, is if I tell her that this is my identity, and that I feel better this way.

Emerald, I am "disabled" too. Mostly because I'm bipolar, but I couldn't do any very physical job either, because I lack an ACL due to injury. So I know how you feel (maybe).

Well most of my disability comes from psychological issues just as a small example, Anxiety, depression, paranoia(slight) and some OCD tendencies and some think I may have Bi-Polar aswell, I also have some physical restrictions I think to do with my back as I am unable to stand for long periods of time and if i lean over too much or too far i get light headed.

Quote from: EmeraldPerpugilliam on November 10, 2012, 03:02:35 PM
Well most of my disability comes from psychological issues just as a small example, Anxiety, depression, paranoia(slight) and some OCD tendencies and some think I may have Bi-Polar aswell, I also have some physical restrictions I think to do with my back as I am unable to stand for long periods of time and if i lean over too much or too far i get light headed.

Yeah. I'm bipolar, aspergers, ADHD, and have generalized anxiety...We are in a similar boat, I guess.

Quote from: charlie on November 12, 2012, 05:21:59 PM
I read some theory about bipolar having something to do with low testosterone (relative to gender). So a male minded female bodied guy will have very very low testosterone relative to his gender.

I'm not making any claims just saying something I saw Tis up to you whether you want to read up on it or not!

If anyone tried to touch me down there wow, they would feel the pain(verbally)! I can't believe she did that Sorry to hear that.

Actually, I have the opposite issue. My testosterone level is a little high. Inexplicably so, since doctors never found an exact cause. I don't have PCOS or Cushing's, or anything like that.

One of the things I have noticed (I have Asperger's too) is that there are relatively many Asperger's in ftms. I read something re Asperger's being caused by high T in utero. Also associated with trans.

--Jay J

Quote from: aleon515 on November 12, 2012, 10:27:55 PM
One of the things I have noticed (I have Asperger's too) is that there are relatively many Asperger's in ftms. I read something re Asperger's being caused by high T in utero. Also associated with trans.

--Jay J

I think I read that too. Coincidentally, I'm Asperger's as well!

Quote from: MyronAviel on November 12, 2012, 10:44:34 PM

I think I read that too. Coincidentally, I'm Asperger's as well!

Me too. Yes, there is a strong correlation between FtMs and Asperger's. Simon Baron-Cohen has been studying this and I've participated in his research. This is probably what you're talking about: http://healthland.time.com/2011/05/18/study-why-some-transgendered-people-have-higher-levels-of-autistic-traits/

The same doesn't necessarily apply to MtFs, who don't exhibit a similar increase in autistic traits.

For those that dont know, Aspergers is on the same spectrum as other ASD ( autism Spectrum Disorders). It tends to run in conjunction with , things like depression, self harm, bipolar etc.

My Son is full autistic. My other son is likely aspergers and there's a fair argument I experienced some symptoms. So
There MAY be some hormone level differences I'm not aware of. I have read it can also be associated with ->-bleeped-<- but the study I looked at was debunked.

Your an Adult. No means no, even if they are Mom.Dealing with the issues behind it is more significant. You live with your mom which makes it more difficult. She is clearly aware of your identification and you need to make clear that isnt acceptable. Moving out may be difficult but you are doing the right thing by gaining the skills you need to do so. You also need to look beyond that point. Mom is still going to be your Mom and dealing with the underlying issues and fears with her will be the only way to make that stop even if you are under her roof.

Any Chance of a Heart to Heart with mom? Asking what parts bother her and addressing those fears?

Seana

I'm very sorry to hear that, that's happening to you. Your mom had no right to touch you in that way, not only is that very degrading in my eyes but it also seems like a form of sexual abuse  I hope since you also stated in your post that you are an adult that maybe you can find an apartment or a trusted friend or family member to live with so you wont be forced to go through anything like that again. I also noted on your replies that you didn't drive but depending on where you live there may be public busses that could get you to where you need to go  just a thought. Hope things look up for you!!

José

I feel for ya, Myron.  Moms are always a bit difficult but that's not okay.  Sexual abuse is definitely not okay.  I want to say that you should move out, but I also know that that's maybe not the most helpful thing for me to say when your situation makes moving out so difficult.  Maybe you can start making a plan of how you can work your way towards moving out?  You say you're learning to drive (can't be easy with the ACL problem), so that's a great start right there.

I've run into the "why would you choose this" response several times. I always respond the same way. I'm not sure it really gets the point across, but it ends the conversation and I never hear it from that person again. I ask them if they've ever in their lives felt the need to switch sexual orientation or sexes. Without fail, they all say no, rather quickly I might add. Then I ask them why they think anybody else would. I never get a response to the question.