This is probably all caused by extreme amounts of stress, because every time I'm under this much stress it seems to intensify everything about my life that I don't like. A large part of that is continually dealing with hating by body and my whole "situation". I feel like what I really want is just not even attainable. There's certain things about my life that I could deal with for the long run, but only if I at least looked more male. If the outside even lined up to a 1/4 of what's in my brain. If people I didn't know either dealt with me as male, or at least I could make them guess male rather than female. I don't mind being androgynous. I don't mind being in the "gray area" to society. I guess I was born that way. I'd much prefer being seen like that than just being forced to be female when that's not me at all. And I'm stuck. I can't get on hormones because of health issues that trump any kind of positive effects they might have on my appearance (even another stint of "short term use" would not work). So what do I do? How do I deal? I'm stuck with the body I've got and it's times like this that just makes me feel so low. I only have 2 people in my life that deal with me as male. 2 other people that sort-of do it. But that's it. No one else knows. It's not even that I need people to know, it's that I need to be okay with the way my life turned out. But I just keep coming back to feeling really crappy about it all. Even exercising is not making me feel any better lately. I just sat in my office shaking and balling for like 30 minutes (and it's 3 in the freakin morning) and all I have to show for it is a massive headache now. The emotions and thoughts are not going to go away, they're always there. I've been to therapists, and that seemed to make things worse. It was just other people telling me I just need to "accept things". Oh if it were easy I would have done it a long time ago. To me, therapists are basically useless. I wish I could just wake up in the morning and be okay with myself, but it doesn't work like that. One of my closest friends, who knows what's up with me and is also trying to get me to just accept myself as-is (mostly because she knows I don't really have any other options) said that only I can do it. And she's kind of right. No outside party is going to help me. I can't take a drug to help me. I can't see a therapist to help me. I thought about it and I told her that I'm not motivated because I don't want to accept that this is how it's going to be forever. How can I get motivated to do something I've hated my whole life. I don't know ... I just don't know.

I wish I had a better answer and I don't think it can ever just be accepted, but I usually find daily meditation helpful in dealing with all sorts of issues. Even 10-20 minutes a day can really help with stress.

Hi Inside,

I know you have certain positions on medical transition. But it may be time to reevaluate your transition plans. You seem miserable. What is bothering you most - body or social dysphoria? If T and surgery are out of the question, are there any steps you can take? Would a name change help you feel better (or do you already have a masculine/neutral name)?

I know you said you don't want to see a therapist - and I completely understand. At this point though, from the tone of your post, it seems like trying therapy again might be a good idea.

I used to be completely paranoid about starting therapy, I had too much anxiety to even get help.  I hated myself so much I didn't want to interact with anyone.  Then I caved in and found a good therapist, actually one someone on here recommended in a thread started by someone else.   I did not go to therapy to get a letter, I went because I knew it was finally time to try something different so I could go on with my life enough to even start transition.

Eventually, my therapist helped me get over my fear of medication to the point I was able to see a psychiatrist. He had me start medication to help with anxiety and also for a mood disorder. 

When I mention medication, I mean being evaluated by a psychiatrist.  I know you said you can't start hormones because of health reasons.

I can't believe I am saying this, but the therapy and the medication probably saved my life. I've been in therapy for 8 months and on medication for 6, and my life has been so much better. Before I got help, there was no way I would have even been able to find the courage to make a doctor's appointment to try and start T. Even if you can't start T, talking to objective mental health professionals can help you sort out your feelings.

If you don't want to get surgery or can't start hormones, seeing a therapist just to talk about things may be something to try again at this point, just to make you happier, if nothing else. The therapist will see you as male if you find the right person, and that can be incredibly validating.  When everything seems hopeless, try something completely different, even if it is terrifying or you have bad experiences in the past.

@LearnedHand I try meditation off and on. I find it really difficult to do. I've read a lot of books about it and tried a variety of techniques. It's something that I just need to give up trying to "perfect" from word go and just literally do it every day for 5 min or however long I can sit somewhere without my mind going in 18 different directions. I keep reading about all the stress reduction benefits about it. Thanks for a reminder to get more serious about just doing it.

@forum admin I've put a lot of thought into what makes me the most unhappy over the past 3 years. Dysphoria I think is #1, but that's where I'm stuck at the most and agreeably frustrated and miserable. I feel I don't need to be the typical picture of masculinity, but I need it to be enough that my own head buys it, if that makes any sense at all. I have an incredible imagination (that's really what's gotten me this far in life) but there's some things I just can't get around. I'd say 85% of my clothes are male. Clothes definitely helps. I do have a binder that I wear all the time in public. Nothing about my personality or demeanor screams female. It does make me feel really good when I'm with the couple friends that treat me as male. But at the same time, I don't feel the need to change anything else about me to get the rest of the world to see me that way. I guess it's complicated when it comes right down to it. My name doesn't make me cringe, even though it's a female name. My friends that know all call me Jay and that's fine too. But yeah, it's these other things making me totally miserable. If I looked in the mirror and saw more of what I see in my head, I think that would go a long, long way to making me happier.

@spacerace I just don't have the energy to deal with therapists. I've been to a number of therapists/psychologists over the years and even barring my total contempt for them, I pretty much know their whole line of repartee. Two years ago I happened to go to an actual gender therapist for a few sessions. I was at that point where I was going to try it again (after years) and basically there was a lot of asking me what I wanted. There was a lot of asking me how I felt about this thing or that thing or what my particular triggers were. Very basic stuff. But even two sessions into it I realized that was another dead end. It's not like this lady wasn't cool ("she" was actually a very non-gender binary person) to talk to or relate to, it just, it didn't help at all. I was asked if I wanted to transition, the answer was "no I just want to be myself" and that was pretty much when any kind of therapy ended and it was just chit chat. I get every therapist is different, but they have certain modalities and certain ways of doing things. It's great that you found help through that and the meds. I'm kind of like the wild card that no one expects. I was given Xanax and I ended up suicidal (and this was in my late 20s). I was given Ativan and I ended up in the ER having the worst panic attack of my life. If I take a Valium I end up feeling like I'm anxious and bouncing off the walls. I don't really get it honestly, but I've come to accept that a lot of things just don't work for me like they do for everyone else. I could go back to the local gender therapist non-binary lady, but I really feel it would be more talk. Like the first thing she'd ask me would be if I've decided I want to transition and it would still be no, and then we'd just talk about the weather.

I've seen a few people on here mention specific gender therapists that will deal with you remotely. I wouldn't be opposed to testing someone out like that to see if there might be some form of help obtainable, but from what I could ascertain most people were waiting to hit these folks up for things like easy T letters.