I posted something like this in the intro. thread, but I think here would be good too.

My name is Trent. I have been struggling with some inner demons since I could remember.

When I was a kid I always thought I was a boy, found out that wasn't true. I always wanted to be like my guy friends, brother, father. Mom thought it was a faze. Well I'm 19 now...it wasn't a faze. I have been trying the girl thing and let me say I feel completely out of place, uncomfortable, etc. I just started wearing my chest binder again, I feel better but empty still.

I am a cosplayer and cosplay male characters. The binding is extremely painful but I go with it because it's all I have. My friend just recently started letting me wear her chest binder.

Sexuality: I have been with men and women. However mostly men. I've always felt a connection to them, but I ended all of them quickly because well, it ended up getting too much. With my girlfriends, it's entirely different. So I am pronounced gay, but I don't feel that way. I am a man on the inside.

I have looked into FTM Top surgery. I have read a lot on the entire process. I know I have to find a shrink or something to get diagnosed?? It's the things I don't know I would like some help on. Like, what do I do first, should I be taking something, where can I find these places to go.
Also I have worries about the procedure. Would if the surgeon messes it up and I'm scared for life?! 

I'm new to this, had no idea how open the transsexual thing was. Now that I know there a lot out there, I would like some help. I am completely lost and feel utterly alone.

Sorry but, what's cosplay?

You're never alone; there's a ton of people on here who can help you.

And, if the surgeon messes up and scars you for life, there's a ton of lawyers out there who'll be more than happy to help you! Most surgeries tend to go pretty well; just search for the right surgeon, do everything (s)he tells you to, and most likely you'll be fine.

First things first: if you're binding and it's painful, you are probably binding too tightly or with the incorrect materials. Be very careful with this as it can cause extensive long term health problems. There is a section on binding wrong at the top of this forum and you should check into that to see what you're facing. Some good sites in the U.S. to buy binders are underworks.com, mansculpture.com, and lesloveboat.com. I've been binding 5 years with underworks double front compression shirt and have tested out a few other types if you'd like any other info on binders with chest size vs. binder size.

About therapy: Start researching Gender Therapists in your area. I don't have a lot of experience in this area since I haven't started the therapy section of transitioning, so maybe someone else can pitch in on that section of things. In my area, I've talked to a few guys who are transitioning and was recommended to a gender therapist at a large university in my state, so if you have any liberal universities close by, see if they have any resources.

On testosterone and surgery: I haven't started T yet, but I know that you need to get clearance from a therapist and have your levels tested by a doctor before you should start. There will probably be a surgeon in your state who can do the top surgery, but there are some specific FTM surgeons such as Dr. Garramone in FL who have terrific reviews and tons of experience. http://www.drgarramone.com/ is his website which has all the info on costs, financing, pictures and contact information. Some other guys on here may be able to recommend some other good surgeons.

There are tons of great videos on youtube about transitioning FTMs as well. Their changes while taking T, top surgery testimonials, that sorta thing.

In my opinion, the most important thing is to take your time with everything. Don't feel pressured to rush through everything. The more research you do, the more comfortable you will become with these topics.

Thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot to finally start getting answers!

No problem. If you have questions on binding specifically, I'm happy to help. You can feel free to message or email me too.

As for scarred for life-- well, in one sense the scars don't entirely go away-- but they do reduce a lot over time. But if you go to a surgeon with a good reputation who produces good results, well most guys are a lot happier.


Also cosplay-- costume play. Playing characters in costume.


--Jay J

Well, you're not alone - many of us have been through the same sort of thing. I knew from age 5 that I was supposed to be a boy, but my parents, teachers and other authority figures made sure that I wasn't allowed to be myself. I'd never heard the words 'transgender' or 'transsexual' until I was 19 (back in the dark ages before the Internet) so I too grew up thinking I was the only person who felt this way.

My mum also thought I was just going through a phase - and she was so certain that I'd grow out of it that she actually refused to by me any clothing for about 10 years, simply because I wanted boys' clothes and she wanted me in dresses. Mothers, eh?

This is a long, slow process so you have plenty of time to make the right decisions for yourself. And yes, a good Gender Therapist is the best place to start.

I also bind at the moment: I use an Underworks 997 which is a reasonable compromise between health/comfort and trying to maintain my sanity. I'm looking forward to eventually getting rid of the chesticles because I have hated the darn things since they first appeared almost 34 years ago. But it's going to take some time for me to get there. As for the scars? I plan to have them tattooed over. I have plenty of scars already: a couple more won't make any difference to me.

Welcome to the forum you have came to the right place, i know how you felt i have always cosplay as male characters too, never liked the idea to cosplays in any female charaters.

Took me a long time to be open about it even though i knew how i felt, but was scared.

haha im like the only transguy who ever wanted to cosplay female character, I have never done it so far only males (and honestly many female character sucks) but there are a few cool characters and I bet I'll have my inner ->-bleeped-<- comming out by that LOL.
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Anyway, wellcome to susan.

for what to do or not to do, I will say just relax and take it step by step, your gonna figure out and theres no stress because its gonna take some time but its worth it. My advice is to welleducate yourself and get out with your thoughts with other people (also with other transpeople who can help you) you have joined susan so thats already part of the step.
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For the treathment point, I will say as I always do..
It really depend on where in the world you are living what people expect. In most places people expect some kind of hmm whats the word?.. "course" like gender-therapist, but again it depends like it also depends on how easy it will be for you, so when you check out on information your going to seach for your own state/country and nearby.

I dont think you should think too much about surgery and what could go wrong, surgery isnt something you rush into, you first come out with your thoughts and feels and then afterward you start to jugde whatever or not your going to do changes like surgery and so, the good and bad points and everything.