Hello! I'm just looking for some insight here. All my life I have found that I've had a hard time relating to people. They come and go faster than I can keep track of. I have a decent circle of friends but it seems like everytime I try to get close to someone, and I make the effort, it doesn't happen, or it doesn't last.

I have a small group of constant fairly reliable friends, but the rest seem to come and go. I think most people don't find me interesting enough? Maybe I scare them away because I'm trans? Does this come with trans territory?

Even in my local support group, I only really talk to them at the actual meetings. People seem to be just too busy and have too much going on.

Can anyone relate?

I can make acquaintances, but not really friends I guess.  I mean I meet up with them but after a couple of times I am home alone again.  Now granted I don't have any money to go out, but they generally don't call.  I have always been like that.

I thought it might be because of my secret, but now I guess I am just not that interesting.

Icephoenix and Ms. OBrien, I can totally relate. However, I lived enough years presenting in drag as a man that I can tell you it isn't the trans thing. I actually have more friends and better friends than I did before, but in both cases, its me.

I am still slowly undoing a lifetime of conditioning that told me I was only wantable and wanted inasmuch as I was useful and had something to contribute. Oddly, I never applied that to other people - I didn't expect anything from them, or them being able to give me things or do useful stuff for me, for me to like them - but I expected that of them regarding me, and if I didn't feel I had something to make their life great, I didn't reach out, I didn't call, I didn't pop in, I didn't make the gesture.

I laughed when I read this only because Ms. OBrien is a dear friend of MINE and she very much created and built that friendship despite my habitual disbelief that anyone could ever want to have anything to do with me. We don't get together or talk nearly as often as we would like, at my end because I'm still in the tail end of 15 years of controlling relationships where my every word and minute is monitored and reported to the woman in charge. I only exaggerate slightly.

Friendship, especially the close kind of friendship that occurs between women of the best friends variety, is a two-way street, and you can kill it by not needing anything as much as by needing everything.

It is a hard, hard habit for me to break, to not suffer and pull myself together alone, but to reach out when I am sad and broken and distraught and not in the least bit in control of my situation. I have been there for Ms OBrien, and she has been there for me, and we are both learning that that is ok!

It is also a hard, hard habit for me to break, to not smother the other person with supercharged concern, care, patience, generosity, whatever it takes to be worth knowing. LOL.

People are actual human beings, and actually tend to love actual human beings, so all my exhausting supergirl efforts were actually self-defeating in the friendship arena. Most people have some warts and like a friend with about as many warts as they have.

If you are in my area, I'd love to be your friend. Most of the time, its as easy as that. Some people's lives are too overwhelmed and full up to add another friend, and that's not a rejection, but there are many more of us who are starved for real sisterhood and real friendship, and we need to figure out how to find each other and get past our scars that say nobody wants us.

I found it hard to make and keep many friends before starting transition,  but now have a  group of people who are dear to me.  I  found it hard to relate to people when I didn't even know who I was, so am not surprised that others couldn't either.  As long as you have a few close friends that is a start, and a lot more than many manage.

Karen.

I can relate.

My ability to make more acquaintances than actual friends used to upset me as I desperately wished I had lots of good friends like popular people seem to do. But then I was diagnosed with mild Asperger's, so I've accepted my social awkwardness as simply being part of what makes me who I am.

I'm never going to be popular, but as long as I concentrate on quality of friendship rather than quantity, I believe I'm doing OK.

I agonised about my inability to make friends for many years.

Then I realised two things.

I had become over eager.

I was getting anxious over nothing. Everyone feels that way. More, we each end up with the level of contact that our individual characters can handle.

Thoughts?

Maybe  I'm just projecting, but I'm pretty sure that is the case for almost everyone.

We are all unique and complex beings, which is why true friends with whom you really share a deep connexion, mutual understanding and long-lasting relationship are a rare thing - there's so many variables and little pieces within us that there just can't be tons of perfect fits out there.
Some of the more extroverted people are very friendly with their acquaintances or use the word "friend" very loosely, but that doesn't mean they have more meaningful relationships than others.
Personally I have a handful of real friends and few acquaintances, and I'm fine with it - I only have 24 hours in my day and I'd rather dedicate my "people" time to quality than quantity, I don't see the point of keeping in touch with someone if we can't go beyond shallow small talk and consensual jokes.

I can relate. I only have a small amount of close friends. Unfortunately only one, my partner, acknowledge that I am trans and male and refer to me by proper pronouns. Others just can't seem to wrap their brain around it. I have plenty of acquaintances but I would not say friends really since I cannot be very open to them about too much personal stuff. Part of it may be I can have a hard time opening up to people for fear of rejection and my location as well, I live in a very small area.

Maybe it's just my generation (the internet generation) but I spend way too much time online, and have done so since I was very young. I was always a bit of a loner, I had "kind of friends" at school but never really bonded, except 1 or 2.

Now, after finishing uni, being through a long term relationship, I'm left with like 2 or 3 friends, 1 is from high school that I see occasionally and we really connect and have similar interests, and the other is mainly from online interaction but we talk everyday for at least a few hours (he knows I'm trans and is cool with it, so far the only person that knows). The other people in my life have been acquaintances and they come and go, friends of friends, friends of family that I have to be friendly with by defacto, etc.

Which is probably why my choice to transition hasn't been that difficult, I always felt like I was never "genuine" with people, or much "fun" since I always thought in comparison I was in a sour mood. I'm hoping after my transition, I can connect with new people on a more intimate level since I've always had fear of intimacy as a male.

I'll tell you how it goes when I get there, but even if much doesn't change in that department, I'm used to being a solitary person (I even considered going away to live a solitary religious life before I can to terms with being trans) and that has never bothered me.