Now now, Any of you who actually read my posts here, might have seen the title and gone "What the Hell?" But frankly, it's true. From the time that I first realized that I was trans, I was so sure that I would never want to hide it, that I'd always be proud and open about it. But the truth is, even though I'm still proud, and still don't want to hide it, the fact is that I'm starting to really consider wanting to be a little more...stealth. I don't really think that I can ever go full stealth, someone is always going to know; my family, my friends, past co-workers, and plenty of people via the internet.

But ever since I started my new job, about 8 months ago, I presented as male, and they managed to take it without questioning, and ever since then, my new coworkers haven't questioned a thing. I've never gotten a single accusation of being trans, although I have been misgendered by several customers - my coworkers just laugh it off. I feel a little scummy about it, but when a few comments about why I was constantly called a girl came up, I ended up blurting out that I have an endocrine disorder, that I don't produce enough testosterone on my own - the subject of needles came up another time, and I mentioned that I used to give myself injections weekly - so I further explained that I take testosterone via injection. They totally accept that. They all just assume that I'm an average gay guy who doesn't have boobs, doesn't have female organs, and has never had a period.

The truth is, that I've realized how much I enjoy people not knowing, I like the way that I'm treated when people just assume that I was born with a dick. I'm concerned that they're going to find out, and that they'll treat me differently because of it, but that's a risk I'm willing to take to continue living this way.

My dilemma is that I don't pass 100% of the time, as I'm sure you can believe from my pic over there <------ I'm currently in the process of getting back on T, and I'm sure that'll help. But I guess, what I'm really asking is, how many of you have ended up changing your opinion on being stealth, or not being stealth after you started transition? And how realistic is it to go 'stealth' after you've been out for so long?

Being stealth or not is a personal choice and there is no right or wrong in it. I've lived openly and I have been stealth. Besides online I am stealth but plan on changing that somewhat once I move. Mainly just getting more into the trans community. Everyday openness isn't my thing. I hate explaining myself and don't feel like I should have to. It really is nobody's business unless you make it their business and I'm sure you're at that point where it is tiresome entertaining other people's curiosity.

In my experience going stealth took a move of residence and of jobs. I don't see how there would be any way to go stealth surrounded by people who know. You may think they don't talk about it but "pointing out the ->-bleeped-<-" is always hot gossip in the cis world. I've been stealth so long that I have fears about being on here. I have fears about starting a YouTube channel (I have a new webcam coming but am still paranoid). In my experience being stealth can be nice but at times it is exhausting.   

Yeah, true enough,
Well, maybe I shouldn't say that I want to go stealth,
On second thought, maybe that's not entirely what I'm thinking.
Honestly, if people know, that's alright - I just don't want to be roped into discussing it anymore..
Whether or not they talk about it doesn't really bother me, I just don't want to explain myself anymore.
I used to be so gung-ho about being informative about it,
But it's pretty exhausting in and of itself.
So maybe I don't know what to call what I'm considering.
Maybe I just want to focus on passing more? o.O; Now I've just confused myself.
I just don't want to be an open book anymore.

Quote from: GentlemanRDP on November 27, 2012, 08:49:23 PMI just don't want to be an open book anymore.

Then don't explain it if someone asks you about it. If they persist just tell them to think about the most private thing in their life and if people always came to them for an explanation about it how would they feel? That is essentially what they are doing to you.

You don't owe anyone anything, man. If you don't want to share every intimate detail of your life, don't. If people give you hell over it, tell them to back off. It's not their business if you don't want to talk about it.

Quote from: Zerro on November 27, 2012, 10:10:44 PM
You don't owe anyone anything, man. If you don't want to share every intimate detail of your life, don't. If people give you hell over it, tell them to back off. It's not their business if you don't want to talk about it.

This.

I've never changed my opinion.  I've always wanted to be stealth. 

I'm curious why you say you feel scummy over being stealth?

Being stealth is a personal choice. No shame in it and no shame in not being stealth. You don't owe anyone anything. You don't owe anyone an explanation for anything. You don't have to be the educator or someone's "trans friend". Just be you.

I just had to come along and say that I too have told people I have a hormonal disorder before. Technically I kinda do. Even actual doctors have told me my hormone levels are "odd". But I specifically told people I was male and had a hormone disorder. And yeah, I kinda did feel scummy about it, but it felt so good for people to just accept that answer and move on. Granted because of my particular situation I couldn't pull that off unless circumstances were totally right (in other words, in a situation where the people weren't going to have a chance to really get to know me or look at my ID or anything). But I'd love to be able to just say that to more people and have them just accept it. That would actually make me feel really great. Of course that would probably mean I'd have to do more like change my name or something too, which I'm not really up for but I digress.

Bottom line, I don't fault you one bit for (1) saying what you did, (2) finding it made you feel good, (3) not totally being "out and proud". Like others have said, it's your choice and you don't have to stick to some self-imposed rule you came up with early in transition or anything. People change their minds all the time and that's perfectly okay.

Quote from: insideontheoutside on November 28, 2012, 02:47:36 AM
I just had to come along and say that I too have told people I have a hormonal disorder before. Technically I kinda do.

Don't feel bad about it. I've done the same and in my case it's true also. It's better than telling them to shut up and mind their own affairs (I've done that in the past and came out the bad guy for being rude). 

Quote from: Simon on November 28, 2012, 02:53:04 AM
Don't feel bad about it. I've done the same and in my case it's true also. It's better than telling them to shut up and mind their own affairs (I've done that in the past and came out the bad guy for being rude).

Yeah you've got a point there!

If I get the chance to be stealth I'll be telling people I have a hormone disorder as well. I don't think I have crazy natural hormones, but I still feel like I've got a hormone disorder because I don't produce enough T naturally. IMO no one needs to know my medical history and I'm just another guy trying to live his life, I'm not a spokesperson.

I prefern neither-sthealth neither out and proud.

Due to laws its imposible for me to go 100% stealth even if I tried,
each time im to get a job, a education, go to the doctor, get a packet or whatever then I have to show ID who says female.

I am in general pretty open about myself But I dont feel like everyone should know all the time and I should tell anyone by first sign.
I want my famely and my friend who are dear to me to know because its an important part of me who infect me alot also politicallly
so I feel its only fair my friends know alittle about it to understand me and the things im stuggeling with, But when that is said I dont feel like telling people in general.
Usunally I go like. if it arnt relevate to the conversation and if there not people im very close to then why should they know? and honestly somethimes I dont feel like taking crap from people so I just put on fast answes like that there is an error in my ID and so.

Unfortunately I can't go stealth, my stupid curves and voice give me away. Even with looser fitting clothing that isn't so loose it's showing off my underwear, my curves still show. If I had any choice or were a rich man, I would probably just "go stealth" living where I do.

It's a very personal decision either way. If you can get away with it, more power to you. I have a tall, built male assigned at birth family member who has been called female before due to hair not being extremely short even though nothing about them looks female, so everyone gets mis gendered at some point.

In the beginning I intended to be somewhat stealth. I thought that I might be open with closer friends, as a means to educate them. I guess I felt a duty to future generations of trans people to do that.

But as time goes on, I honestly just want to live as myself. which is male. And when I pass, I will. I only want to disclose to my intimate partners. And since I am very disinterested in casual sex, and it would take me some time to get to know someone before I slept with them...that number is extremely low. I'd essentially have to be in love with the person and see a potential for a future with them to disclose.

So my opinion changed. I initially wanted to be somewhat "out" because I felt obligated to educate for the sake of others. But my body isn't a battlefield and neither is my life...you can be an advocate and supporter for other trans people without necessarily having to put yourself out there on a personal level.

That might change in time too. who knows? I do think that if I honestly believed it would help someone, in a way that I could not as stealth, I'd come out and give them advice where I can. I wouldn't leave someone out in the cold either just for the sake of being stealth. i would hope they wouldn't betray me and out me to people who I wouldn't want to know.