I saw my mum yesterday & she invited me over for xmas dinner, she has told me however that she doesn't want me to wear nail varnish as it may offend the exchange student who is not going home to visit his family, what my mum really meant by this was "come as a man & don't let your dirty little secret out".

She's in a scheme where she gets paid for having students stay at her house, this is paying for building work on the house to add rooms, she said yesterday this will give enough room to split the house into two flats, I suspect she may be planning on splitting with her husband, I believe the only reason they are still together is because he has retired & she is due to retire so they can't afford to split.
I understand her financial reasons for having the students but to put a strangers feelings before your own flesh & blood is beyond my understanding.

It feels like she's embarrassed by me, like i'm some shameful, dirty, family secret that should never be mentioned, she won't use my new name & she now wants me to spend Christmas day as a man, I'll bet any amount of money my Xmas card has the word SON in big letters on the front & a matching badge that she'll try to force me to wear for the day.

I don't know what to do now, do I refuse to remove my nail varnish & "man up" for a day making myself miserable? Or do I dig my high heels in & have an argument thus making myself miserable?
I feel awkward demanding that she use my new name as i'm not full time, once the electrolsys has removed enough hair to pass without loads of make-up then i'll never look back but the nail varnish/make-up/anything female ban has really annoyed me

Jayne

If it was me, I would refuse to go there. It will not be much of a Xmas if you are going to be humiliated for the day.

I know how you feel, my own mother still uses my birth name but I just do not go anywhere in her presence. I visit her at her home.

.

Jayne, you are playing the game of family politics.  Should you deny your true self to keep peace in the family, or stand on inflexible principles?

Maybe there is a center ground that can be reached.  An androgenous presentation that honors Jayne but does not mortify your backward mother and step-father.  And a nice manicure with a high gloss, clearcoat finish.   

How about showing up in a blonde wig, wearing designer pumps, a skimpy cocktail dress and neon pink lip gloss. As you walk in, show her your unadorned nails and expect a thank you for obeying her wishes.

Sorry for that. I know you're hurting. I'm just in an evil mood tonight.

Now my real answer: I think you have the right to ask people who claim to love you to support you and see you for who you are. You have the right to tell your mum how much it bothers you when she won't acknowledge your female gender, either by using your old name or putting down your presentation choices. If you decide to go, make it clear by telling her explicitly, how much that bothers you and how hurtful it feels. Continue trying to educate her, reminding her that transgender is not something you're choosing, that it's not going to go away, and that it makes it a hundred times harder when we're not supported.

I understand how it would feel awkward to keep asking her to use your real name, but I urge not to stop asking. You have a right to ask people who love you to give you support and not obstacles.

Unless you truly need to go to Mum's for Xmas, I would just for go it.  Don't bend to her emotional blackmail.

Muuu, not going is always an option but i've always spent Xmas day with family & my mother & brother are all I have left.
If I take a stand & wear nail varnish then my brother will side with my mum but at some point i'm going to have to force the issue, if I say i'm not going because of this no nail varnish rule then it will cause exactly the same argument.

My head is spinning with this at the moment because I get caught in a loop of asking myself who is the most selfish, me for wanting to wear nail varnish or her for wanting me not to???

agfrommd, The first thing I thought of was which dress I could wear for the day 

Quote from: Ms. OBrien on November 27, 2012, 06:44:32 PM
Unless you truly need to go to Mum's for Xmas, I would just for go it.  Don't bend to her emotional blackmail.

If I don't go then it will cause problems but if I do go it will cause problems, the only way to avoid this train wreck would be to go male for the day & the voice inside is shouting "No way", i'm going for a meal with her & my brother in a couple of days so will try to discuss it then.

Quote from: Jayne on November 27, 2012, 07:04:58 PM
If I don't go then it will cause problems but if I do go it will cause problems, the only way to avoid this train wreck would be to go male for the day & the voice inside is shouting "No way", i'm going for a meal with her & my brother in a couple of days so will try to discuss it then.

That would be best.  But you also should be able to enjoy the day.

Doesn't seem like nail varnish is enough to out you as trans, is it? I would go with the French manicure as someone suggested. May just look like a guy with good hygiene but at least you'll feel somewhat feminine.

I would say, do not go and call at all, unless you depend on her for some sort  fincial support

I wouldn't go. Don't let anybody pressure you to be somebody you're not. Don't throw away your self respect because somebody is embarrassed of you. It's their problem, not yours.

Personally speaking, I'd let your mom know ahead of time that you won't be visiting on Christmas day.  When she asks why, I'd explain it to her as you explained it in your first post.  I'd let her know that her decision to favor strangers over family is offensive and hurtful, and until you can work out your differences and feel like a welcome family member rather than a shameful outcast, you'll probably choose to make spending time with supportive friends your new holiday tradition.

Standing up to family is never easy, but until they understand that you won't allow them to dictate and manipulate your life, your problems will only persist and grow. 

Quote from: AngieT on November 28, 2012, 12:23:23 AM
Personally speaking, I'd let your mom know ahead of time that you won't be visiting on Christmas day.  When she asks why, I'd explain it to her as you explained it in your first post.  I'd let her know that her decision to favor strangers over family is offensive and hurtful, and until you can work out your differences and feel like a welcome family member rather than a shameful outcast, you'll probably choose to make spending time with supportive friends your new holiday tradition.

Standing up to family is never easy, but until they understand that you won't allow them to dictate and manipulate your life, your problems will only persist and grow.

This is perfect. Do this

Well, I once ordered my mother to leave my house and never come back, mid-way through the Christmas 'celebrations', so my first instinct is to say you should tell her to f*** off. It's your life. You must live it as you see fit.

BUT ... since this is meant to be the season of goodwill, I'm going to be a good little peacemaker and suggest that maybe you could use this as an opportunity to have a calm, thoughtful exchange of views that gives your mother the chance to come to terms with the fact that her little boy wants to be a big girl ... which comes as quite a shock to most mums, when all is said and done.

So sit down with her. Explain why this matters to you. Tell her that you don't have a choice in being transgender. It's not some quirky fad, or a perversion, or a disease that can be 'cured' ... it's who you are.

Give her a chance to be reasonable and loving ... and also, while you're at it, say that there's no reason why a guest student should be freaked by the sight of someone who apparently is a man wearing make-up, because it's not exactly a new thing.

And then, if she still won't see reason ... if she still puts her financial interest in student lodgers over her duty to you as a mother ... THEN ... you stick a finger in her face and go and live your own life.

Just give her a chance to act like a decent human being first ...

I'd just say that you arent going to hide who you are, nor feel uncomfortable for being who you are at this time of year and that if that is what she is expecting, to not expect you.. As others have suggested, make your own family traditions!

Seana

I think that since you aren't full time yet, it might not be the time to make a point or a huge issue out of it.

I went out for the meal with my family yesterday but the place was packed, normaly when we go there at that time of day we virtually have the place to ourselves & I didn't want a scene, I told my mum that I want her to visit me for a chat sometime in the next week.
When my brother gave me a lift home i explained that I won't be around for Xmas because of this, he pointed out that my mum has alot of pressure on her (I knew he'd say this because it's true), he agreed that I shouldn't have to put up with the snide comments & constant attempts at discouragement.

We both considered the possibility that she may be finding it hard to deal with this as i'm having to tackle my transition very slowly, i've tried to explain to her how my excema is making this very hard as I struggle to shave, often can't use make-up & can't have laser treatment but it doesn't seem to sink in. I'm waiting for news about my electrolosys being done on the NHS as the gender clinic are sorting out funding to have it included in my overall treatment, I
He believes she thinks this is a fad that i'll grow out of.

I'll just have to see how things go when she visits, I thought that coming out in the same week as I saw my GP to request gender reassignment would give people time to adjust but almost 2 yrs later & i'm still waiting for my treatment to start wondering if I would be better off had I kept the secret a bit longer