Hi all,

So I started seeing a guy I met at the straight bar a few weeks ago, and last night I came out and told him I'm mtf post op. I thought it was the right thing to do, especially since I wanted to see where things could go between us.

I'm 24, identify as a straight transgirl, and I do try my best to fit into the mainstream/cisgender/straight world as much as possible, with the exception of a support group I go to once a month. I've never been in a relationship, pathetic as that is, because everytime a guy knows he runs for the hills, or I'm just not into him anyways. I was hoping to experience what it's like to have a bf sometime this century like everyone else seems to.

One of the girls met in Montreal who had her operation around the same time as me is very passable and is also a hetero tgirl. She says she never tells guys she dates because it's not a significant part of her life, and as soon as you get anything TG out in the open, sh*t happens, especially if you're trying to be as mainstream as possible.

I should have listened. After I told him, he said he had no idea, but know that he does know, he "can tell." And he thinks that other people such as coworkers and friends etc will be able to tell to, and it may be uncomfortable for him. I don't blame him. I thought I passed better, but I guess not. He says he needs time to think so we left it at that.

Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut but, my scars down there are visible, and I do have TG friends, so eventually it will get out in the open. I have said in the past when questioned that I had a cervical tumor and had to get it removed. Every guy I told this too believed me. But I didn't want to lie to this guy, I actually cared about him.

I'm not looking for mr. right, I'm just looking for the here and now. Everyone else seems to be able to walk in and out of relationships like it's nothing. It's rare for any other girl to find mr right unless she kisses a few toads first, and I'm ok with that. I just want to experience that.

In the past, I've been with pretty much any guy I can get (married, ->-bleeped-<-s, you name it), and this is the reason why. I feel like it's all I'm capable of.

Sorry for the rant, any insight? Thank you!

Well, unless you can see the future, I think you should disclose immediately. You never know if Mr. Hereandnow can eventually become Mr. Right, especially if you just met. If you only want a one night stand, then don't tell him (that way he'll actually choose to brag to his friends  ). However, if you want to find a lasting relationship, then not disclosing early could be what makes or breaks the deal.

Imagine this: You meet a guy who you never came out to. After a couple of years, you decide to come out to him. As a result, he finds it hard to trust you and decides being with you is a bad idea. I'm not saying it's guaranteed to happen, but do you really want to take that chance with a guy you think could be the one? I'd say either disclose early or don't tell at all, but that's just my $0.02.

PS--> Never being in a relationship at 24... how is that pathetic? All that means is that you haven't found someone good enough for you yet. 

Hi Tessa, poor wording on my end, I do want Mr. Right but Here and Now isn't much of an issue I guess. But sometimes it would be nice to have either. Here and Now could just be a temporary boy friend. I'm not talking about one-nighters.

And you're right Diana, it just seems like I'm such an amateur when it comes to relationships compared to most others.

Quote from: Icephoenyx on November 25, 2012, 10:34:14 PM
And you're right Diana, it just seems like I'm such an amateur when it comes to relationships compared to most others.

Umm, just so you know, I don't have any relationship experience, nor will I have any in the foreseeable future. Thus, I don't know if my advice is credible. It's just an educated opinion.

I would do the same if I were you. I don't have much experience either when it comes to dating so don't feel bad. Last year I was still preop and I blew off one of the most handsome and nicest guy I have ever met by telling him I'm trans. I wasn't even brave enough to tell him in person either, I texted him. He disappeared obviously but I got over it quickly because it was early on so not much heartbreak. I just moved on. I don't care too much about dating anymore at 39 years old. There's more to life than dating and relationship JMHO.

Self-disclosure is part of the delicate dance of intimacy. As women of male history, we just have a more unusual tidbit in our past than most women, but every person deals with how to share, how much to share, when, with whom.

I can tell you that (setting any trans* issues aside) premature sharing, and sharing more than your partner, strangles more relationships than late sharing does. Waiting to share something is not the same as lying, which does tend to kill relationships when it is about substantive matters.

As wonderful human beings, we have an ethical obligation to share those things that directly impact the person we are with. All else falls under human privacy, and should be shared as we feel safe AND in proportion to what is shared with us.

So, if I have a transmittable disease, I will disclose before any physical intimacy so that we can both take precautions.

If I know that I was sexually abused and that certain things trigger me to have very bad experiences, I won't go into detail but I will explain what we should avoid before we are in the situation that would bring those things up for me.

If there are attitudes or opinions that are complete deal breakers for me (like racism, sexism, homophobia, or transphobia) I will share those criteria early on, so that we can part civilly if he or she holds those beliefs, before our hearts get too attached. I have transgender people who are family members or lifelong friends, and I couldn't be with someone who doesn't respect them as the men or women they are.

I will be honest and up front about my marital status because that is important to me. There can be terrible entanglements when dating a married person who is still attached in one way or another to there spouse.

If we are to the point of considering long term/life long commitments, or if it is clearly dating for that purpose (some religious people for example put all this in the first date!) I will disclose that I can't have children because of medical treatments I received for a life threatening illness, but I would love to adopt and raise children with the right partner.

My gender past? I'll share it when I feel its right, or when it impacts the person I'm with, whichever comes first.

Sorry to hear it didn't worl out, but if he couldn't stand that then he probably isn't up to the rest of the things that come up over the years. 

It's not just men, cis-lesbians can be as bad.  Watching the figurative shutters dropping when they found the woman they were talking to was trans was becoming a regular thing. 
I am now in a  relationship with a post-op woman  and it feels right for the first time ever.  So don't give up on the search, and a casual fling along the way is okay in my book too.  Enjoy.

Karen.

Quote from: Icephoenyx on November 25, 2012, 09:09:52 PM
I should have listened. After I told him, he said he had no idea, but know that he does know, he "can tell." And he thinks that other people such as coworkers and friends etc will be able to tell too, and it may be uncomfortable for him. I don't blame him. I thought I passed better, but I guess not. He says he needs time to think so we left it at that.

My wife heard that line time and time again during her pre-op days and especially when the potential b/f needed to get a "second opinion".

Please don't let this kill your self esteem. You can look around at almost all the women in a grocer store and nit-pick them to death to declare them as really "one of those".

When I was younger, I started going out with a guy who I had known via a circle of straight friends - and as I didn't want the others to know, I never said anything to him (I was post op at the time and our sex life was good).  Well the dating got more and more serious and as the weeks passed by, it became more and more difficult to tell him.  Then one evening we were sitting talking and the question of babies came up and marriage.  Well in those days it was illegal for me to marry a man and it was (and still is) impossible to have babies - so I decided that it was crunch time and I had to explain everything to him.  I ended up hospitalised he was so angry at me.
Ever since then, I have told shortly before going on a date with guys as this gives them the chance to back out gracefully (but few rarely do) - but it was a salutary lesson for me.  If you get involved in a relationship and you haven't told him about your past, it does become harder and harder to tell the truth at a later date - and quite often things will turn violent as they can perceive this as you trying to hoodwink them.
Just my humble opinion though gleaned through bitter experience.

Quote from: Carol Uren on November 28, 2012, 06:09:31 PM
Well in those days it was illegal for me to marry a man and it was (and still is) impossible to have babies - so I decided that it was crunch time and I had to explain everything to him.  I ended up hospitalised he was so angry at me.

I'm so sorry you had to go through such violent experience. The same thing happened to many post-op tg I know (including some celebrity who opens up her painful experience in an interview)  Thank you so much for sharing this with us. There are, however, many post-op tg friends of mine who their partners don't care about their past and have a successful loving relationship so don't give up on Mr. Right just yet.

Thanks Mintra, it was a long time in the past and I have had a few really great relationships since then fortunately.  Not all men are b*******s and I have had the good fortune of going out with a number of really nice accepting men (and no, I'm not a slut LOL).  I guess I was unlucky in that particular circumstance, but it did make me realise that being honest and open about my past is the right way to go about it - for me.  Yes, I have lost a couple of 'dishy' men because of it, but on the other hand, I have never again been subjected to the violence of that evening.

Thank you all for the help --- UPDATE: So he has come around and we are dating now, but there are a few 'conditions' if you will:

First, no one else can know, except for a very select few friends and family he is very close with.

Second, I have to pass every second of everyday to fulfill the above condition of no one else knowing.

Third, in order to pass more than I already do, I have to go on a diet and exercise more. He says that I have a belly and a flat ass (both I agree with) and that gives me away because guys get fat in their abdomen and girls get fat in their rear. Again, I agree with this, but the way he keeps pointing this out is kind of tough.

He also said that he doesn't really want to bring me to his company xmas party because I might be clocked and his rep will be ruined. Understandable -- we are still trying to compromise.

I do think passing is important, and I already pressure myself a lot, so I don't really want it also coming from someone else. But I do get his concern, especially since he's never been with a transgirl.

Is he being a bit harsh, even though I get it, and to some extent, agree with him?   

Quote from: Icephoenyx on November 30, 2012, 05:09:00 PM
Is he being a bit harsh, even though I get it, and to some extent, agree with him?   

I don't think he's being harsh so much as he is being realistic. He wants to stay with you because he knows that you are type of person he wants to be with; however, unfortunately, there are people out there who frown upon trans people. Thus, keeping your trans status on a need-to-know basis is the optimal way to terminate any problem before it starts.

Although I agree with his notions too, I must say that to blatantly call you fat shows that he might need to learn how to talk to women.   

Quote from: Icephoenyx on November 30, 2012, 05:09:00 PM

Is he being a bit harsh, even though I get it, and to some extent, agree with him?

No, he wants the benefits, you do all the putting out and it's all conditional because he's ashamed of being caught with a transexual woman. This is not ever going to be a relationship it's totally one sided and selfish on his part. It's going to cause you to lose whatever self esteem you now have and cause you more self loathing for agreeing to submit to his BS. When you are considering a relationship with someone and they come up with conditions of any kind you need to ask yourself "What is his motive and what's in it for him?" Then ask yourself those same questions along with, "What am I willing to sacrifice to make it work without killing who I am?" I'm wishing you well sweetie, don't settle for less than you are worth!

Honestly, I'm not sure it will ever be worth it to  you. He's paranoid as hell about people finding out he's dating a transsexual. He's always going to point out the "flaws" he sees now that he knows, "flaws" that he wouldn't think twice about if you were cis. Like Shantel said, it will take a toll on you over time.

Just my two cents, take it for what it is worth. I've been in plenty of relationships in my lifetime, some wonderful, some awful. The worst warning sign I know is someone who wants to fix, repair, or change you, and is ashamed in ANY way of associating with the real you. People with that attitude towards you, whether you are cis-, trans-, tall, short, heavy, slim, brainy, ditzy, it doesn't matter; they are abusive and will always find a way to find fault and to destroy your sense of self-worth in order to control you and control the relationship. When they are that way in the early "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, there is true hell coming later on. Please be careful. That is a toxic kind of love you are being offered. You are worth much more, but if you are with a jerk like that, true love will pass you by because they will see you are taken. It can take a long time to recover from the emotional effects of that subtle erosion of your confidence and pride.

I agree with most ladies here. You'll lose your self-esteem with his controlling and abusive behavior. I learned the hard way with this guy I dated 12 years ago who wanted to keep seeing me on a regular basis for company and sex but we almost never be seen in public together. I just don't want you to get hurt and lose your self -worth like me. There are plenty of guys out there who will accept you for who you are. 

oh wow im glad im not the only person who's thought this... i feel like i've been playing life on hard mode because im transman.
Everyone treats me like a novelty like im not even a human being. So when it comes to females they just kind of wont treat me like a male, they'll try to find out my birth name and use it to tease me. Im almost 20, I've never had a girlfriend and im thinking just like that, that i dont care to find a wife now, ill totally settle for just SOMEthing so i can actually feel like a human.
And yep i see everyone around me just snap their fingers pretty much and they get whoever they want in a relationship with them. If i was just a cis guy i would have SO MUCH less problems ugh.

Well good luck friend... i hope you find someone. It'd give me some happiness to see my sisters happy. know what i mean?
<3
Edison

Quote from: Icephoenyx on November 25, 2012, 09:09:52 PM...


I should have listened. After I told him, he said he had no idea, but know that he does know, he "can tell." And he thinks that other people such as coworkers and friends etc will be able to tell to, and it may be uncomfortable for him. I don't blame him. I thought I passed better, but I guess not.  ...

You were passing just fine.  Now you have begun to educate people on how to spot a trans woman, namely you.  There is a principle sometimes referred to as the Law of Attraction.  Whatever you focus on, whatever you think about, whatever is active in your mind, in your thoughts... you will get more of.

So, if you are thinking about being trans then you will get more of being trans.  Now it is much easier to use this principle to your advantage (in the case of "trans" women if you pass as female).  If you exchange your focus for being trans and adopt a focus of being a mainstream female, then you will get more of that.

If you are a trans woman and if being trans brings you happiness then feel free to stay in trans head space.

If however you want mainstream female life and you pass as female then hang out with mainstream people, make mainstream friends, etc.  It's simple.

What you have done is help someone to identify a trans woman and how he can educate his friends on how to do the same.

Sometimes I realize that by just living as female and by never admitting to being trans I am helping Society to learn to accept trans women as females.  Because people know about me, I have a mother and a father and I don't pass 100% of the time, plus I have people talking about me behind my back, rumors, etc.  By never admitting to anything except being female I believe I have shown many people that trans women are women.  I don't feel anyone can get that result by announcing they are "whatever" because when you announce you are something other than what you are attempting to be, you are sending a message that creates dissonance.

Just my 2.

Quote from: wrabbit on December 01, 2012, 11:42:05 PM
ill totally settle for just SOMEthing so i can actually feel like a human.
And yep i see everyone around me just snap their fingers pretty much and they get whoever they want in a relationship with them. If i was just a cis guy i would have SO MUCH less problems ugh.

<3
Edison

Wrabbit,
        Being a trans-guy you surely know that the gals expect you to do some homework and develop some technique in public before you can have them in private to display another type of technique. Having been on both sides of the fence I know these things. Trust your Auntie Shan on this!