Today I took a huge leap of faith and greatly tested my mother's trust.  I've been attending the Gender Journeys group program at the Sherbourne Health Centre here in Toronto.  This evening was a special "Supporters and Family Night" and I couldn't bear to be one of the ones with no one in tow.  I had set the stage the day before by giving my mom a letter that said I needed to talk to her about something really important, but I didn't provide details because I wanted to speak face-to-face.  I'd also said I wanted her to do something with me but I didn't say what.

  Still knowing nothing she willingly joined me for the transit trip down to the Centre and I used the time along the way to tell her my backing story.  She didn't know anything about where we were going until we were a block away.  I then sat her down on a bench outside to tell her I was exploring ->-bleeped-<- with the hope of seeking medical intervention and I explained all about the program just before we went in to join the group.

  I think she was a bit stunned and was probably trying to contain emotions, but overall seemed to take it quite well.  It certainly helped that there were other mothers her age present.  It is truly amazing that I could spring all this on her in such short order and not have her totally freak out, especially after seeing some of the 'more visually-expressive' trans folk at the meeting.  I feel so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing mom that I could trust to be thrust into this situation so 'immersively' and abruptly.  I get the impression she felt very honoured that I would want to include her in such a life-changing situation.

  I love my mom beyond words and I know she cares deeply about me too.

That's amazing! I'm so happy for you
What sort of events were at the meet?

That's great. I wish my mom was so cool about it.

  I realised I have a strange habit of unwittingly picking rare and significant dates for my actions.  The day I joined Susan's Place was during the Transit of Venus, something that won't happen again in my lifetime.  Yesterday's coming out occurred on 12/12/12, a once-in-a-century datestamp and the last of it's kind until the year 2101.

Quote from: Two way Rain on December 12, 2012, 10:38:14 PM
That's amazing! I'm so happy for you
What sort of events were at the meet?

Dinner was provided in the form of pizza and loads of fresh fruit (pun not intended).  A couple segments of a documentary film were shown just to get things started.  This was followed by a break where everyone present could put an anonymous question in a box and then these were drawn at random for open discussion.  I think overall the supporters had more to say than the registered group members.  The voices of the supporters were incredibly powerful and very helpful to the discussion.  You could feel their energy transferring to the rest of us.  There was absolutely no negativity and little evidence of fear.

  After all the terror I've bottled up about it for most of the year this experience was a major relief.  I prefaced yesterday's outing (pun intended) to my mom with the statement, "Depression is a powerful poison," as I had been behaving rather zombie-like for many years as my reality got a grip on me.  For the first time since I can ever remember I awoke early this morning and didn't feel like I hadn't slept.  My mom was shocked to find me in the kitchen at 7am making coffee and actually voluntarily eating breakfast, something I'd had trouble stomaching for a long time.  I still have lingering ills to deal with, mostly related to general anxiety, but I suddenly feel like an incredible weight has lifted.

  I am extremely fortunate that all my mom wants is for me to feel good about myself and turn around a life-long and ruinous downhill slide in my energy and spirit.  I told her I had reached a clear understanding of how I got to that point and that I felt I now have a chance and the drive to make my life better than it has ever been.  In a way now I feel like I've received her permission to do that.  This truly marks the point in my life where I finally grow up for real.

I'm so happy for you. That is such an amazing story. You are such a lucky girl to have a mother like that. Thank you for sharing.

I'm so glad she responded supportively, that's great!

  Thanks all for the kind words.  The day after has been very emotional for me, but even the tears are important because they are a necessary release after carrying this burden alone for so long.  I went out for a walk in the morning and the sky was almost perfectly clear blue and the sun was blazing down right on me making it well warmer than it should have been (there's ice in the shade).  I decided to go to the lakefront park to have a moment to myself.  I had started listening to a Trance music mix CD I'd not tried yet - This sort of thing always helps me relax and tune-out the craziness of the city around me.  A track called "Clear Blue Water" by Oceanlab came on with some rather timely lyrics:

Leave behind your fears
Please believe
You will not falter
There's no danger here
You can breathe
In clear blue water

  I cried hard for a good twenty minutes before I could compose myself enough to head back into 'civilization'.  As any Torontonian will attest, Lake Ontario may not be 'clear blue water' by any stretch, but the sentiment couldn't have been more appropriate to my situation.  For the first day in my life I felt it was truly okay to be Me and actually believed it.  My voyage of discovery has reached a new beginning and I won't be drowning any longer.

  My beautiful mom had a birthday on the 12th.  She would of been 85 yesterday.  I photographed the transit of Venus. 

  Joelene

Congratulations to both of you. Give your Mum a hug for me.

Congratulations!