What the ... guys. I just went from super dysphoric to totally happy cisgender to in-between to extremely ->-bleeped-<-ing dysphoric again. I have no clue what to do. I'm ONE therapy appointment away from HRT, and if this is just a few-day-long event, I don't even want to say anything to my therapist, because I know that'll push the HRT date waaaaaay back. But I also don't want to subject myself to HRT if I'm okay as I am. That all being said, I definitely need to tell him.

I'm so confused and upset right now. If I had the choice, I'd choose to be happy cisgendered, less stressful, no paying for hormones and surgery, don't have to worry about my Adam's apple, man hands, huge veins, terribly un-passable voice. The thing is, as a guy, I look kind of awkward now. But I know that as soon as I start filling out and gaining a ton of muscle just like my dad and older brother did in a year or so, I know that I'll be good looking.

The entire time I've identified as trans, I've never liked the thought of growing old trans. I've never thought pleasantly of being an old lady. But being an old man has always been much more appealing, I've always wanted to be that big badass grandpa. The more I talk about it, the better I'm feeling about this whole situation, but damn. This is a revelation.

I mean, I absolutely love Parkour. I wouldn't be able to transition and still do it, I'd feel like it's a masculine sport and it would get me clocked. I love singing. Singing is my life. I can't sing falsetto worth spit, and if I transitioned, I wouldn't ever be able to sing properly again.

I've always wanted to live off the grid. Build my own house, self-sustained property. This might catch me some flak, but I'm also pretty sure something MAJOR is going to happen within our government, causing mass hysteria, and kind of turn the tables back to the 50s. I don't want to have my life sustained by hormones that I can't produce myself and have to buy regularly.

I legitimately feel like there are two people in my head with their own interests, aspirations, speech-patterns, likes and dislikes... And I have absolutely no clue which one is pulling harder. I've posted nearly this exact thing on a different forum and it was suggested that it may just be cold feet. I hope so... Waking up to not identifying as trans anymore was even more of a shock than realizing I was trans in the first place!

If you don't feel like you absolutely need to transition then you probably shouldn't.

It sounds to me like you really need to take a breath and decide what is most important to you. How do you want to live your life.

You don't have to start hormones right away. Tell your therapist about your doubts and talk it out. You sound young, you have plenty of time. Make sure you are taking the path that feels right to you.

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I can relate, a lot. If you interested for details, check out my blog, I've had doubts and been pretty up and down about my dysphoria for a while. Can't say I ever really had many masculine pursuits or a strong male persona, that always eluded me, so I can't really relate to that duality.

It's just my opinion but it just takes time and I'm certainly not there yet either but getting there. So just give it time, I think the more you think about it the clearer you will be. It's not uncommon for people to get cold feet when they are young or to have doubts, there are several cases I've heard.

I felt great about starting my transition for a while, for months I was very happy, but once I started. The reality of the situation dawned on me, coming out, dealing with work, parents, growing old, I had most of the same thoughts you had (but different activities). However, you don't have to be a girly girl, there are plenty of girls that do "masculine" activities. The best thing I learnt (and I forget from who) was that it's OK to take some masculine things over with you, they are gender stereotypes after all. There are transgirls I've seen with very succesful transitions that still play masculine sports and musical activities (like metal lead guitar).

I went through with my appointment despite my cold feet, but I just decided to start on Spiro and I will be only on Spiro until I sort out a few more things with my life. The way I see it is, better to crawl than to stand still.

It's not always as clear as for some (i.e. mater of life/death), just give it time and see how you feel. These things usually work themselves out and remember that everyone is different.

Welcome to my "Why" neighborhood 

It seems to me that you are well grounded in reality. You also spent a great deal of effort on being "Normal", got that down pretty good. Feel that if you have to, to can keep up the charade.

The first 30 or so years can be easy. Keep busy, always preoccupied. It works fairly well to bury and stuff the dysphoria. Even allow yourself the occassional "escape" to cross-dress to help balance things when you need it. Especially in high stress times. Just pray that even one of those crutches you rely upon does not fail. then the whole facade will crumble away.

So Why?  As my wife poignantly said "Who in their right mind WANTS to be a 56 year old woman?" Sure, I've spent a few precious days being just that. Found that I achieved a life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. Even hit on by a guy!

Why risk loosing my best friend and great love of my life? Why risk loosing the only other thing in my life that gives it meaning, my job? Why risk becoming the neighborhood freak? Why risk my personal safety being an abomination in red-neck land? Or worse, an abomination in PC liberal land?

Why?

As the Supreme Leader of my TG group likes to remind us, and especially me, there are no Have-To's. THere is no set course a TG must follow. Between HRT and living part-time I found something that worked for me for that time. Seeing a future where I was not just some lifeless robot, but one filled with joy and happiness gave my life meaning. A reason to muddle through it.

You don't know where your journey will take you untill you take the first step.

Well, if you don't want to do it, don't do it. Nothing more to say.

Quote from: DianaP on December 31, 2012, 11:26:15 PM
Well, if you don't want to do it, don't do it. Nothing more to say.

It's not so black and white for everyone, if she felt like she genuinely knew that she didn't want to do it, she wouldn't of started this thread.

Well, I got my letter! I'm still not entirely sure whether it's cold feet or not, but just because I have the letter doesn't mean I have to use it if I feel I shouldn't. This is the kind of thing that I need to think about myself and come to a conclusion alone. I find that talking with my therapist doesn't make me feel better about anything or come to any conclusions.