Hi all, been a while since i posted last due to being strung out on life issues, i have popped in from time to time. Anyway down to business, has anyone been toyed with by family members by being misgenderd on purpose, i have some evil twits who thinks its so funny to keep doing this and the joke is like soo old now hmmm what to do? This Christmas i had a gift of male scent sent by a family member, this sort of childish behavior has really hit me at times especially now being so close to the op my emotions seem to be very heightened and new if that make sense to anyone.

Buy them pink panties. 

Not personally, but my father does call my uncle my aunt because he's gay. I'm not really good with getting people like that to shut up, so I usually just walk away. Sorry I can't offer any assistance. Interested to hear other peoples' responses though.

QuoteThis Christmas i had a gift of male scent sent by a family member

I got this too actually but it was not from someone who knows about my personal life. I am still seen as a male.

I would send them a thank you card back and say "I appreciate the gift, but please next time could you send more floral scents? I like those better"

Quote from: amdee on December 29, 2012, 04:31:05 PM
Hi all, been a while since i posted last due to being strung out on life issues, i have popped in from time to time. Anyway down to business, has anyone been toyed with by family members by being misgenderd on purpose, i have some evil twits who thinks its so funny to keep doing this and the joke is like soo old now hmmm what to do? This Christmas i had a gift of male scent sent by a family member, this sort of childish behavior has really hit me at times especially now being so close to the op my emotions seem to be very heightened and new if that make sense to anyone.

*big hugs*

People can only get to you if you allow them to, hon. If they know something bothers you, and they're of a mind to be malicious, then they know which buttons to press.

The next time you see that family member, thank them sincerely and tell them that your toilet smelled wonderful when you poured it down there.

Hey thanks all for you words of help, trying to explain a situation is hard to do and even harder for someone to give advice on due to nobody knowing the full facts. But your words made me smile

Yes I have had this, not from family but when I first was living full time and was easy to read. I'd run into a jerk at a store who would say sir loudly as many times as possible. Finally if someone was trying to get my attention using sir I just totally ignored them. If I was at a store and the cashier sir'd me, the first time they did it I would, get their name, leave my items there for them to deal with and simply walk out of the store. Then later email corporate and explain how they are losing business have rude twits working at their store supplying their name. One time a manager was nearby and asked me what was wrong and I took him aside and explained but still just left. Who knows if it helped anything but made me feel better

IMHO if someone clearly is trying to present as ____ and they misgender you clearly out of malice (you can tell when they are, that smile of "I just put you down in front of everyone and there is NOTHING you can do about it!") it's no different than if they address someone using a racial slur.

As far as your family doing this intentionally being mean? No advice. I would not make a big deal out of it as people like that look for you button to press.

Hi Amdee,

Like Jewel would say: it doesn't take a talent to be mean.

The truth of the matter is that some people will just be a pain and there is nothing you can do about it.

Just ignore them and try to avoid them if you can.

I am sorry to hear that you have such mean relatives. I send you a virtual hug.

Also, remember: if they enjoy making you feel badly it means that they are pretty miserable inside: forgive them if you can. I know: easier said than done. It is OK to be upset.

Love,
Andrea

I'm going to disagree with some of the posts here.

I would suggest that you NOT respond with HUMOR.

Instead, give the message as soberly, seriously, and emphatically as you can that this is NOT FUNNY and is not an appropriate topic for humor. Do this each and every time someone thinks it is funny to misgender you.

I'm not sure I understand why so many people think meanness is a joke, but in my experience joking along with the only feeds the fire.

What they are doing is cruel and not funny and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

Quote from: agfrommd on December 30, 2012, 06:21:38 AM
I'm going to disagree with some of the posts here.

I would suggest that you NOT respond with HUMOR.

I personally don't think the more humorous suggestions would be humorous to the recipient. If they are intentionally gendering you wrong to annoy the crap out of you, it's probably something that would also annoy them. People don't intentionally belittle someone then suddenly apologize because that person kept telling them it made them feel bad. They're doing it specifically to make them feel bad and that just adds fuel to the fire. The first time they received pink panties, they may laugh it off, but when they receive them every time, it's going to start getting to them. This is one case where I think fighting fire with fire might actually be a good idea, and there aren't many.

Quote from: agfrommd on December 30, 2012, 06:21:38 AM
I'm going to disagree with some of the posts here.

I would suggest that you NOT respond with HUMOR.

I'm not sure I understand why so many people think meanness is a joke, but in my experience joking along with the only feeds the fire.

What they are doing is cruel and not funny and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

If they are doing it to be mean/cruel, showing it upsets them is what feeds the fire. If they think it doesn't bother you much, they will stop doing it.

Quote from: Stephe on December 30, 2012, 04:53:49 PM
If they are doing it to be mean/cruel, showing it upsets them is what feeds the fire. If they think it doesn't bother you much, they will stop doing it.

Or, since they are adults and not so naive, they'll know that you are suffering in silence and torture you for ever more.

Maybe you could pretend to be really sad, break down in tears nd let them somehow know, in front of others, that what they are doing you is marking you suicidal.

Show Desperation instead of pride?

Just a thought.

Andrea

People love to share their opinions because they are trying to make themselves feel good by making you feel bad.  They are toxic people.  Avoid them whenever possible.  I would send this person a note asking them to never contact you again.  There are lots of beautiful, wonderful people out there.  Your family are the people who can love you without judging you.  Your family won't crap on your dreams, goals or desires.  Your family wants you to be joyful, wants you to have the best life possible.  Your family may not necessarily be blood relatives and instead people you meet, friends you make.  The ability to let go of toxic people (to overcome attachment) can be very liberating and healthy.

My grandpa likes to call me by my old name in public but I ignore it and it makes him look crazy because there is nothing about me that suggests boy.

Plus its his loss not mine.

Some great comments and wow how bad some folk can behave toward us, i have no one person in my family who accepts me and that  is a real pain, trying to keep my mind sane in this time has been really difficult, the wars i have fought with them and some others outside of the family have been epic when all i want to do is just live a normal life and not have to deal with PTSD brought on by constant humiliation by my family who i have tried to escape from in the past. Now due to me standing up for myself and letting these people know just how i feel it has lead to social isolation, i am strong but dam its hard out there.. thanks again for your comments and a Happy New Year to all. 

Quote from: Stephe on December 29, 2012, 11:38:31 PM
someone clearly is trying to present as ____ and they misgender you ...

We had this discussion over Christmas when watching an episode of Cake Boss with Miss Richfield, a drag queen.  People were calling her he, others she.  As far as the internet is concerned, Miss Richfield is a character played by a man who is not a transwoman (as far as I can tell).

I tried to explain that when someone presents as a woman and calls herself Miss Ridgefield, then you should address her with female pronouns, even though you know the person behind the character is male.  This should be true of anyone you see dressed as female, whether they pass or not, whether they are in costume or not.  Address them as they present.  When Miss Richfield is not in costume and is presenting as male, then address him by his male name and with male pronouns.

Conversely, you should address people how they wish to be addressed, regardless of how well they pass.  One of my friends has been unable to present as herself, and at times looks very male, but I use female pronouns because I know she is a woman even though she might not look as feminine as she would like.

Common courtesy.

I was misgendered by someone who knew me back when, who hasn't seen me for a while.  I get it; they're not used to it.  But what really gets me are mothers who overly identify with being a MOM.  They can't get past that word MOM and keep referring to me as MOM (your MOM to my kids) and it is nauseating.  Yes, I may have physically given birth, but I was never a mother.  I am not a MOM.  Then I was unknowingly outed to an acquaintance that has always known me as male, and suddenly they were effing up pronouns. I was livid.


Jay

With people who have known for many years and still attempt to be cute by calling me she or by my birth name (little do they know my birth name feels so disconnected after 14 years of not using it that I don't care) I have one of two reactions. Either I leave where I am immediately and cut them out of my life or I get confrontational. I have a way I shut 99% of people up. I simply ask them this: "What does it hurt you to call me by the name and pronouns that I ask you to call me by"? I have in the past gotten this response: "Well, it just ain't right." Then I proceed to tell them that I don't give a flying you know what about their opinions of what is right or wrong. It never hurt anyone to be respectful of others and I will not tolerate their crap.

Now in the first few years of transition I was a lot nicer about it and would simply ask that they be respectful. I always left the option open if anyone had something to say to me about it they were welcome to say it one on one to my face and not in front of a crowded room.

I think people say things about others when they feel that person is weak and there will be no consequences of their actions. Transsexuals are known to be quiet and reserved so we are easy targets. I refuse to be a target and so should you.

I've had people do that, generally people who don't approve of or "don't believe in" my being male. I just grit my teeth and try to wrap my mind in thoughts and activities that are more self-affirming. Sorry for the hippie word there I can't think of anything more accurate.

I give it right back. a teacher kept calling me him. so I would always respond to her with. yes sir, right away sir. really pissed her off and made her stop.