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The Most Difficult Parts of Not Being Able To Transition?

Started by King Malachite, June 16, 2012, 07:37:35 AM

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King Malachite

What are the hardest pparts of not being able to or even choosing not to transition?  It can be physically, mentally, emotionally,spiritually, sexually, romantically, etc.

Here is my list:

>Being called mam.  I want to correct people so badly but since they see a female what are they to expect?

>Dealing with my monthly period.  I've chosen not to go on any birth control and I'm too old for hormone blockers so that time of the month is a drag.  Speaking of which I am not looking foward to next week. :/

>Seeing the excitement of others when they get SRS, hormones, name change, therapist etc anything that's a step closer to their transition.It emotionally feels like I've been hit in the gut with a typewriter several times.  It's not that I'm not happy for them.  I'm just sad because I wish I could be in their shoes.

>Finding someone who will accept me for me even pre-transition and treat me as male.

>Thinking about how my life would be if I could go through the process.  Actually the thinking itself isn't that difficult but it's more of my dreams being different than my reality right now.


Those are just a few of mine but I'm curious about others who are going through this.  Surely I can't be the only one here.  Or am I just hitting a tree with a stick?  Lol
Feel the need to ask me something or just want to check out my blog?  Then click below:

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"Sometimes you have to go through outer hell to get to inner heaven."

"Anomalies can make the best revolutionaries."
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AbraCadabra

I think I can really feel for you, when I think back when it looked like that I'd be STUCK in some 'nowhere' place forever.

In my case it was SRS had, as it seemed then, just moved out of sight. I had asked for some insights/help as how to deal WITH THIS, alas got now answer/response from someone that aught to HAVE known, dealt with it successfully.
I do hope for you to get some more positive helpful responses.
Being MtF the only pit I feel I might be able to add regards:

>Dealing with my monthly period.  I've chosen not to go on any birth control and I'm too old for hormone blockers so that time of the month is a drag.  Speaking of which I am not looking forward to next week. :/

I'm sure you can have a Mirena (IUD) fitted and it will normally stop the 'curse' after a few short month. It is only loaded with progestin, i.e., not E and so would not interfere with the endocrinal needs - just my thoughts.

Take care,
Axélle
Some say: "Free sex ruins everything..."
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JoanneB

My situation is evolving slightly over time. Decades ago I gave up any hope of transition and settled for some form of normal and occasional cross dressing. Plenty of diversions and distractions helped me get by.

A few years ago when my world torn apart, I knew I had to get a handle on my TS status. After a good 2 years of personal growth and about a year now of going out more and more presenting as I truly feel I am I can say:

  • It sucks on an exponentialy growing scale to switch back
  • It is hard to keep up the chameleon act hanging around guys.
  • Dealing with the potential lose of job/income from transitioning some days seems like a very low risk, which is total fantasy in my case. But then, so was being able to pass and be accepted as a female
  • Knowing that transition will totally change the relationship with my wife, best friend and soul-mate (yes, all rolled in one). What I am doing now is a strain on the relationship at times
  • Some days I can't help but to beat myself for being an even bigger chicken now then I was 30 years when I first seriously considered transition. Back then I felt I could not pass much less be accepted
  • Knowing that all the transitioned people in my group are right about where I've been heading for the past 2 years, yet cannot make the leap
.          (Pile Driver)  
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(ROCK) ---> ME <--- (HARD PLACE)
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peky

In order of aggravation

1) my deep voice, boy what I would give to have a more feminine voice, sometimes it really ruin my days,
2) My wrong genitalia, the mere sigh of it makes me cringe,
3) Having to tuck all the time, sometime it cause really bad discomfort, and
4) The occasional "Sir"
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RAY

ALL OF ABOVE!!! NOT ABLE TO AT THIS TIME!! it gets very hard to live like you're lying to your self and to others. I can't seem to find any happiness to not transition. Hope I am making sense here sometimes life can just be cruel. peky has it right same with Jonnaeb its just a rough time for all of us. I don't like being called sir either it makes me feel mad'
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Jamie D

Quote from: peky on June 16, 2012, 08:05:23 PM
In order of aggravation

1) my deep voice, boy what I would give to have a more feminine voice, sometimes it really ruin my days,
2) My wrong genitalia, the mere sigh of it makes me cringe,
3) Having to tuck all the time, sometime it cause really bad discomfort, and
4) The occasional "Sir"

I know there is some controversy about "tucking all the time," but if you do, you might want to consider investing in some gaffs.  They will make your life easier.
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Edge

1. The emotional roller coaster of doubt.
2. Boobs
3. Always assumed to be female and too shy to correct them because I don't know how to explain.
4. People who know I'm a guy treat me as a female who is challenging gender roles (and is therefore an idiot) instead of a guy.
5. Shyness because I feel invisible.
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suzifrommd

Quote from: Edge on July 16, 2012, 02:01:22 PM
3. Always assumed to be female and too shy to correct them because I don't know how to explain.
This.

Removing the "fe" of course, in my case.
Have you read my short story The Eve of Triumph?
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aleon515


Oh boy Malachite, I feel you man.

Here is my list:

>Being called mam.  I want to correct people so badly but since they see a female what are they to expect?

I hate this one so bad. I have to say something under my breath. I go out in the car sometimes and just say ma'am ma'am ma'am over and over again. I can get certifiable.

>Dealing with my monthly period.  I've chosen not to go on any birth control and I'm too old for hormone blockers so that time of the month is a drag.  Speaking of which I am not looking foward to next week. :/

Uh not applicable.

>Seeing the excitement of others when they get SRS, hormones, name change, therapist etc anything that's a step closer to their transition.It emotionally feels like I've been hit in the gut with a typewriter several times.  It's not that I'm not happy for them.  I'm just sad because I wish I could be in their shoes.

Yeah I feel that too.

>Finding someone who will accept me for me even pre-transition and treat me as male.

No one basically except the guys at the trans center. Actually they are so good at saying "he, him" etc. I can go turning around to see who they are talking about.

>Thinking about how my life would be if I could go through the process.  Actually the thinking itself isn't that difficult but it's more of my dreams being different than my reality right now.


Those are just a few of mine but I'm curious about others who are going through this.  Surely I can't be the only one here.  Or am I just hitting a tree with a stick?  Lol

Nah!

[/quote]

--Jay Jay
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Kevin Peña

-Well, for me, one of the most difficult things is the worry from not transitioning early, having to wait until I'm financially stable, afraid that testosterone has made a feminine body unattainable.

-Also, I don't like it when people call me "manly" because of my mountain biking, desire to be a firefighter, and other typically male interests.

-I want to be able to act more feminine around my friends and classmates, but as of now, that would only work to make people confused.

-Fear of being non-op making it harder to find an accepting boyfriend that won't be freaked out by my genitalia and other pre-transition jitters I can't shake.
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TanaSilver

This is kind of an old topic, but this is something that has been on my mind a lot recently so I found all the entries really interesting. For me, pretty much ditto all of the above, with one addition: I think the worst part is feeling like I am only half a person. I'm not fully engaged and not fully present because there are two people here instead of one integrated, authentic whole.
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King Malachite

I understand where you are coming from, TanaSilver.  In a way, I feel like a walking corpse because I can't be my true self around people.  It's like I walk through the world "dead" in some way.  Like Ray, I do feel like I'm lying to myself and others....like a con artist, or like I'm just putting on a performance.

The mam thing can still get pretty annoying and it doesn't help when my mother say to me "you're my little girl" or my sister says "well your my sister".  I am looking foward to the day when I can get "misgendered".  I have even practiced my "no please don't apoligize" speech for the occasion.

Oh about the IUD thing, I thought about it, butI don't think I could bring myself to go through that X_X
Feel the need to ask me something or just want to check out my blog?  Then click below:

http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,135882.0.html


"Sometimes you have to go through outer hell to get to inner heaven."

"Anomalies can make the best revolutionaries."
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Felix

Malachite you've always been completely male to me.

I have a hard time with my breasts. I don't have my own bedroom so when I come out of the shower everybody sees me in my boxers and a towel and I always wonder what it looks like. I have friends who don't know I'm trans (i'm not exactly stealth so much as they've never asked and now I don't want to bring it up), and they think I'm one of those guys who's really self-conscious because I'm careful anytime I have to change clothes.

Also having a kid makes it hard to ever go completely under the radar. And being broke. Ha.
everybody's house is haunted
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spacial

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Elspeth

Quote from: peky on June 16, 2012, 08:05:23 PM
In order of aggravation

1) my deep voice, boy what I would give to have a more feminine voice, sometimes it really ruin my days,

I'm lucky to have a very wide vocal range, but it extends *very* deep and that concerned me a lot from the beginning, when I first started looking for resources concerning transition issues.

Also, I think there's a part of me that felt like, if I could manage to learn a very passable female voice (one without the falsetto or gay guy intonations that I could already do) that it would so remove my inhibitions, and make me unwilling to remain in the presentation that I'd been going with as a compromise while my children were younger, that I just wouldn't have been able to tolerate my state of "suspension" for more than a few weeks...

It's only been in the last few months that I've really started to work on finding that voice and practicing (and still not quite there yet, but I have made some real progress, with the expectation that practice and continued exercises will bring more of it).

I know some people put down Andrea James' videos and tapes on voice training, but the underlying approach seems to work for me... at least it gives me the mental picture and range of exercises that I need to get closer to a voice I can live with. There are some other resources, mainly on YouTube, that use much the same approach, but don't go into as much detail or provide as many exercises as those in her materials do. It's also possible that her approach works better for me because I did have some limited training as a singer and actor (was the only kid from my school or from much of Colorado's western slope to make the cut for All-State Choir in high school).

It is very hard to find that voice, but I have to believe that is IS there for most of us, if we can only find the right way of locating it, and using it, and expanding it through continued practice, once we do find it. It's not an instant thing, though, and I can understand that some people also can give up looking for it because it probably will take as much as 6 months of regular, diligent practice before it becomes second nature or is fully "warmed up" to give you the fullest feminine range that your larynx is able to support. Plus, the range is only one aspect... diction, inflection and so on are also key to developing a practiced voice that comes across as indisputably female.
"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future."
- Sonmi-451 in Cloud Atlas
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Elspeth

Quote from: DianaP on August 02, 2012, 05:44:49 PM
-Fear of being non-op making it harder to find an accepting boyfriend that won't be freaked out by my genitalia and other pre-transition jitters I can't shake.

I'd suggest (if you haven't done so already) putting together a dating profile (on OKCupid or something similar), if only to confirm that no matter what you look like, there are going to be boys who are attracted to you in some way. Not to say you should necessarily date them, but it's almost alarming to me, especially at my current state, how much attention I get from guys. Enough that I disabled my OKCupid account at one point, and erased my pretty frank profile because I realized I just wasn't ready to start dating at that point.

YMMV, but with an open and truthful, but well-edited profile (at least as well edited as I can manage without paying someone else to tweak it), its fairly amazing to me the number and quality of notes I get from guys, mostly guys describing themselves as straight. I don't get much from gay guys, but I do get a fair amount of notes telling me that women who are at least highly compatible in their interests, and are people I'd like to know as friends and possibly more, do also at least check me out and I expect, based on what happened when it was last open, to get at least a few unsolicited notes from women too... most, of course, a bit more selective and less in number than I get from guys, but as someone pointed out to me recently, that's partly just a numbers game... that and an outgrowth of social conventions and different dating styles.

Given the numbers of people who use that site, my prejudice is that it's best to be clear about your bodily status in a profile, to avoid wasting time with those who might freak out when you, inevitably, need to be clear with them about your differences. I respect those who may have reason to approach this differently... so much of what I'm doing about this has to do with having a friend flirting with me for over a year, having sex twice, and then retreating into his shell... something that probably has more to do with his marital status than any actual rejection or freak out about me, since he was at the very least aware of my feminine interests before he started flirting.
"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future."
- Sonmi-451 in Cloud Atlas
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AlexD

Knowing that even if I transition as fully as current technology allows me to, I'll never truly be able to have sex the way a cisman can. That's the biggest part of my bodily dysphoria by a long shot, so knowing that even transition won't fix it makes me wonder why I even bother considering transition at all. :/
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Elspeth

Quote from: AlexD on January 15, 2013, 05:04:10 PM
Knowing that even if I transition as fully as current technology allows me to, I'll never truly be able to have sex the way a cisman can. That's the biggest part of my bodily dysphoria by a long shot, so knowing that even transition won't fix it makes me wonder why I even bother considering transition at all. :/

Likewise, I have trouble with the reality that childbirth and nursing are not something I'll experience in this lifetime. I came about as close as anyone could, though, so at least I was acting true to myself.

I also try to remind myself, that sex acts are a very small (albeit valued and important) part of anyone's literal time on Earth. The desire to transition for me is driven by wanting people to see me as I see myself, to whatever extent that is possible. It might be more possible if ours was a society that did not coerce gender assignments at birth, but that is not the world we live in now, at least not for the most part.

When I'm feeling lowest about this, I remind myself, even though I'm a bit skeptical about it, of what came out of a "past lives regression" session where I made a connection to past embodiments of myself, all of them female, with an added insight that perhaps there was some reason why (looked at in a Buddhist notion of karma and working towards enlightenment) I was sent into life in this form, this time around... I try to keep that in mind as much as possible, in fact, and try to make my choices in life based on that somewhat mystical insight.
"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future."
- Sonmi-451 in Cloud Atlas
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AlexD

Quote from: Elspeth on January 15, 2013, 06:44:26 PMI also try to remind myself, that sex acts are a very small (albeit valued and important) part of anyone's literal time on Earth. The desire to transition for me is driven by wanting people to see me as I see myself, to whatever extent that is possible. It might be more possible if ours was a society that did not coerce gender assignments at birth, but that is not the world we live in now, at least not for the most part.

I understand where you're coming from. I've always felt that I could handle having a female body if I didn't have to conform to society's idea of what it means to be female.

I was recently unfortunate enough to come across a hateful radical feminist blog whose author considers transmen to be little more than self-loathing lesbians. And while I know that author is just too concerned with her own agenda to spare a sympathetic thought for folks who don't think like she does, I can't help but see the truth in her words. If most of my dysphoria is social, then doesn't that mean I'm just brainwashed by our misogynistic society? I can very easily accept that there's no such thing as "brain sex", or that if there is, mine is female, in which case my desire to transition must be a lazy excuse to escape fighting for women's rights. And I'll be honest: being free of that crap would make me so happy. I'd still back women's rights 100%, of course, but I'd be doing so from a nice comfy place of privilege.

Of course, the irony is that when one thinks of stereotypical reasons why lesbians are bad, the first image that comes to mind is the radical feminist who hates men and writes ridiculous blog posts explaining why transpeople are fakers -- so if I feel a need to distance myself from femininity and lesbianism, she's not exactly making me eager to come running back with open arms.

Christ. No wonder so many transfolk are suicidal. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
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Elspeth

Quote from: AlexD on January 15, 2013, 09:23:09 PM
I was recently unfortunate enough to come across a hateful radical feminist blog whose author considers transmen to be little more than self-loathing lesbians. And while I know that author is just too concerned with her own agenda to spare a sympathetic thought for folks who don't think like she does, I can't help but see the truth in her words. If most of my dysphoria is social, then doesn't that mean I'm just brainwashed by our misogynistic society? I can very easily accept that there's no such thing as "brain sex", or that if there is, mine is female, in which case my desire to transition must be a lazy excuse to escape fighting for women's rights. And I'll be honest: being free of that crap would make me so happy. I'd still back women's rights 100%, of course, but I'd be doing so from a nice comfy place of privilege.

I realize it's not conclusive, but in the time since I myself was fairly attached to some radical feminist ideas (which were at least part of the reason I did not pursue transition during, say, college, when I was looking for ways to be a part of or at least on the fringes of the flannel and Doc Marten's uniform of college lesbian culture)... there has come more and more research to suggest that maybe our condition IS almost entirely one related to brain structures, and therefore as "legitimately" intersex as any condition involving atypical genitalia.

But whatever winds up being the final conclusion on that, it really is much simpler in some ways. No amount of trying to be the best male lesbian I could be, or fighting against gender stereotypes ever erased the feeling that I deeply wanted to have the physical attributes of a woman, or barring that, some kind of degree of acceptance of me, not as a gender outlaw, or a SNAG or an at-home dad, but very, very deeply as a woman.

Seems to me that Les Steinberg and Pat Califia's coming out more or less put the last nail in that kind of wishful thinking.

I can't tell anyone else what will work for them, and I wish Cathy Brennan and others all the peace they can find in themselves. From what I've seen, though, they're not going to find that peace by harassing others and calling it some kind of radical justice. It seems intellectually empty to me at this point, apart from those aspects that do challenge convention and do ask some tough questions. I don't think surgery is a panacea, since it does nothing to address the problem that exists in coercing gender identities.  But I think Cathy and others may be confused between genitalia and what is in one's head. The hatefulness at this point is almost indistinguishable from the kind of things that gender and racial bigots are usually ridiculed for. Perhaps the only reason Brennan and others aren't a household word is that the only people paying them any attention at this point are newbie transgendered people looking for others to attack them?

They seem, for example, to have no influence on the transgender policies developing at some of the leading women's colleges where gender issues have long been a topic of interest and discussion, albeit in a far more considered and considerate manner than is done by the self-haters like Brennan seems to be.
"Our lives are not our own. From womb to tomb, we are bound to others. Past and present. And by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future."
- Sonmi-451 in Cloud Atlas
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