After debating with myself for a long time, I finally yesterday made an appointment with a general physician and got a referral from her to a TS clinic. My main motivation to get the referral was that I don't have to rely to a DIY HRT (which I'm starting during summer) for the rest of my life, which doesn't sound good at all.

Yay me, for getting the referral. First step done! The waiting time to the clinic is about 6 months + 6 months psych tests etc + 6 months queue to a HRT treatment. A bit pessimistic view, but in this case it's better to pessimistic than optimistic...national healthcare

I was really happy to myself and life generally speaking after getting the referral, but now I'm again in the other end of the spectrum, full of doubt and fear.

- I chose my healthcare profession 15 years ago only because it's full of women. To be among women as one of them, even when looking at me from the outside, it doesn't show. It has worked great and I've enjoyed being at work. However, I'm now questioning myself that what if I'm not a TS, but I've just gotten attached to woman gender for working with them for 15 years...that I've started to think myself more and more as a woman? Does it make any sense? I don't know?

- I know women at work think me as one of them, even when from outside I appear male. I've heard it so many times from different persons. I'm fearful what happens, when I repair this body. What if I was appreciated as a some kind of strange hybrid...a woman who appears to be male? Or extremely sensitive male? Will I ever be accepted as a woman after the process? Would it be better to try to continue forward as I am, even when I'm just killing myself more and more.

- This body never was a manly body, weak, small, babyfaced/androgen, no body hair at all until closer to my thirties. When I looked myself from the mirror, the image was more to a image of a girl, than a boy, at least to me. I know that has affected my feelings and the thought/sense that I should have been born as a female. But does that really make me a TS, or just completely messed up individual.

- I've fought consciously against this feeling of my womanhood for the past 15 years. I don't really like what I've done to myself, tortured myself for all these years. Even when the body can be repaired, nothing wont repair me, the person I am from the inside. I'm not completely sure if I will be happy or if I will like the person I've turned into, ever again, no matter in what body I am.

- I have noticed some positive personality changes in myself, after accepting myself. I'm more confident, I like to socialize more, I feel more "alive", I like to relax and just be without doing constantly something and I've noticed that there are hobbies and things that I would like to do just for my enjoyment and not so much to fill my days completely into them, like I did before like an obsessive compulsive person.

- Just don't know if all these changes in me are too little, too late. Now that I've had to face myself and look at my life also, I've noticed that I don't actually have anybody in this world, besides my girlfriend and we are in the process of breaking-up. I've drowned myself into work and to numerous hobbies, which all ended up as a work later on. No time to meet any friends, thus I have none. I'm all alone now and I will be all alone as a complete woman. So I don't know what is the point in any of this actually.

So many questions. I don't know if this makes any sense to anybody. I just feel like I'm in a dead end. I cannot continue pretending a male and looking at this body for the next 35 years. I know this feeling will be getting much worse in the future, when this body turns into a more manly one. The first 30 years have been quite easy, as this hasn't appeared too manly for me. However if I repair the body and I manage to alienate myself just more from the society...then what was the point? I will just be a lonely and most likely even more unhappy woman...

Quote from: Henna on January 06, 2013, 06:03:49 AM
After debating with myself for a long time, I finally yesterday made an appointment with a general physician and got a referral from her to a TS clinic. My main motivation to get the referral was that I don't have to rely to a DIY HRT (which I'm starting during summer) for the rest of my life, which doesn't sound good at all.

That is a good thing to do.

Quote from: Henna on January 06, 2013, 06:03:49 AM
I was really happy to myself and life generally speaking after getting the referral, but now I'm again in the other end of the spectrum, full of doubt and fear.

It is normal to have doubts so do not worry about that.

Quote from: Henna on January 06, 2013, 06:03:49 AM
However, I'm now questioning myself that what if I'm not a TS,

OK, so let us ask the question - what makes you think you ARE a TS?

Quote from: Henna on January 06, 2013, 06:03:49 AM
Will I ever be accepted as a woman after the process?

Everyone is different and everyone's situation is different but, on the whole, I have found most people (in the UK) to be very accepting and I know that many other TS people have had the same experience. Things seem to be a bit harder in the Bible Belt of the US but since you are in Europe it may be different. There are a few Scandanavian posters here and they could probably give you a better idea.

Quote from: Henna on January 06, 2013, 06:03:49 AM
When I looked myself from the mirror, the image was more to a image of a girl, than a boy, at least to me. I know that has affected my feelings and the thought/sense that I should have been born as a female. But does that really make me a TS, or just completely messed up individual.

I would say it means you have some sort of gender issue

Quote from: Henna on January 06, 2013, 06:03:49 AM
I've fought consciously against this feeling of my womanhood for the past 15 years. I don't really like what I've done to myself, tortured myself for all these years. Even when the body can be repaired, nothing wont repair me, the person I am from the inside. I'm not completely sure if I will be happy or if I will like the person I've turned into, ever again, no matter in what body I am.

Now that sounds like gender dysphoria, a persistent feeling that your gender is wrong.

Quote from: Henna on January 06, 2013, 06:03:49 AMSo many questions. I don't know if this makes any sense to anybody. I just feel like I'm in a dead end. I cannot continue pretending a male and looking at this body for the next 35 years. I know this feeling will be getting much worse in the future, when this body turns into a more manly one. The first 30 years have been quite easy, as this hasn't appeared too manly for me. However if I repair the body and I manage to alienate myself just more from the society...then what was the point? I will just be a lonely and most likely even more unhappy woman...

Transitioning from male to female will solve ONE problem for you, maybe two. All the other problems will still be there. The problem it will solve is to resolve your dissatisfaction with how you see yourself and if you have a problem like depression caused by self-image transitioning might solve that too. But all the other problems will still exist. You will still have all the day-to-day problems that come with being alive - bills to pay, family problems, car breakdowns, food shopping, housing issues, etc, etc, and you will have some new problems added to the list like learning how to socialise as a female, learning to deal with being TS and how to deal with people because of it.

Do not get me wrong, I am not saying you should not transition but it does not solve many problems. Indeed what I find amazing about the whole process is how much changes and yet how little changes. In my own case, when I started it seemed like everything would be different, but now I see that so little has changed and even the changes that have happened are mostly inside my head. When I go out my door and go somewhere I am amongst people, just like I always was. I do not get any more attention when moving through crowds or shops than I did as a male - I am just another face in the crowd. At work I still have things to do just like I always did. When I get up in the morning I have to wash and get dressed, just like I always did.

So what has changed for me? I no longer torture myself inside my own head and my wardrobe is different. That is about it. I changed everything and my life is still much as it was.

Anyway, if you can tell us more about what worries you then maybe we can give you some reassurance or feedback.

Quote from: bev2 on January 06, 2013, 07:23:57 AM
Anyway, if you can tell us more about what worries you then maybe we can give you some reassurance or feedback.

Thank you Bev for your comments. The biggest fears that I actually have are, that I wont survive through the transition as a sane person, as I basically have to do it alone, more or less. Yes there are support groups where I participate already, but it's not quite the same as true friends. I keep hearing and reading how demanding mentally the transition is and that a good social network is required. I can really understand the need of social support.

Second fear is that I get to the TS clinic and I'm denied the diagnose and official treatment based to the fact that I don't have any social network to help me through the transition. Or because I have a mental issues or something, I don't know. What I do know is that this is a pessimistic view and perhaps not based to a reality, but still thinking this option does feel a bit like a suicide, as if what then? I gave a permission for myself to dream of feeling better with myself and I'm denied that.

Why do I think that I'm a TS. I'm not going to write a full novel about it here, I've done it already elsewhere  However let's just say, that the experiences that I've read from others on this and other forums as well as discussed in support group are so exact match from person to person, that it's actually frightening how the experiences can be so same to my own experiences.

However, I cannot really explain the actual feeling what makes me think of myself as a woman, I cannot say where that feeling/sense comes from. I believe it to be my brains, but that's just a belief. I can however pinpoint and tell how I've acted from my childhood, which contain stereotypical or actually biological behavior of a girl, feeling of being an outsider, liking of girls clothes etc, automatically choosing a female group if I have to choose between a group of people one containing mostly males and another mostly females, the image that looks me from the mirror appearing not to be a male, but closer to female but not quite, my emotions being more common for females than for a male (at least I believe/think so) and finally the never ending circle of thoughts in certain situations, that how would a man act in this situation, don't keep your hands/feet/body/head like that, don't talk like that, men are not suppose to do that.

I have questioned myself so many times, that what if tomorrow morning I would wake up as a woman, what would I miss from this male body or life and I do think, that there is nothing that I would miss.

I do know and understand that transition is not like fairy godmother visiting you and changing your life completely. I just would like people and me, seeing myself like I feel I should have been from the start.

I also know that I need to stop reading and watching videos about people who de-transitioned or transitioned back to male, as it really seems to affect my mental status. I've been just reading those experiences in order to find some sign or common nominator with those people, which I could relate and kind of think again this whole transitioning. Haven't really found it, but I feel really bad after reading those experiences.

Quote from: Henna on January 06, 2013, 10:37:25 AM
Thank you Bev for your comments. The biggest fears that I actually have are, that I wont survive through the transition as a sane person, as I basically have to do it alone, more or less.

Well, that is both good and bad.

It is bad because you lack support, but it is good that you will not go through the loss of family and the divorce and the arguments that many trans people face. Part of the reason that transition can be demanding is dealing with the fallout from existing relationships. I tried very hard not to lose anyone and I was quite successful at it, but I know that I am somewhat unusual in that respect and that many people lose family and friends and the burden it places on them is very heavy. So in that respect you may actually have one thing less to worry about.

Quote from: Henna on January 06, 2013, 10:37:25 AM
Yes there are support groups where I participate already, but it's not quite the same as true friends.

This is true, but as you transition some of these people will become your friends, if you let them. The best support for trans people is other trans people. Develop a new support network, get advice from these people on what you need to do and what your country's transition process entails and you will be in a much better position to transition.

Quote from: Henna on January 06, 2013, 10:37:25 AM
Second fear is that I get to the TS clinic and I'm denied the diagnose and official treatment based to the fact that I don't have any social network to help me through the transition. Or because I have a mental issues or something,

Here in the UK, one of the things they insist on is having you pre-screened for mental illness before you attend the GIC. Basically they wish to be sure that your issue is Gender Dysphoria and not some other health issue. Have you had other issues in the past that you think may cause trouble this time?

Quote from: Henna on January 06, 2013, 10:37:25 AMWhy do I think that I'm a TS. I'm not going to write a full novel about it here, I've done it already elsewhere  However let's just say, that the experiences that I've read from others on this and other forums as well as discussed in support group are so exact match from person to person, that it's actually frightening how the experiences can be so same to my own experiences.

I know what you mean. I have had the same conversation myself with other transwomen.

Quote from: Henna on January 06, 2013, 10:37:25 AM
I can however pinpoint and tell how I've acted from my childhood, which contain stereotypical or actually biological behavior of a girl, feeling of being an outsider, liking of girls clothes etc ......

I understand what you mean. I have had similar thoughts. Sometimes I wonder did I act that way because I was trans or am I looking back on my past through the lens of trans-experience and fitting events into a perspective that justifies my transness? I no longer self-analyze in that way because it did me no good. It was just a mild form of self torture.

Quote from: Henna on January 06, 2013, 10:37:25 AM
I also know that I need to stop reading and watching videos about people who de-transitioned or transitioned back to male, as it really seems to affect my mental status. I've been just reading those experiences in order to find some sign or common nominator with those people, which I could relate and kind of think again this whole transitioning. Haven't really found it, but I feel really bad after reading those experiences.

I think you are worrying too much. Transition takes a long time and if you need to detransition then you can do it. But first you have a lot of boxes to tick and even hormones rarely have an obvious effect for many months so you will have plenty of time  to think about how you feel and the consequences of transitioning.

Quote from: bev2 on January 06, 2013, 11:32:20 AM
Here in the UK, one of the things they insist on is having you pre-screened for mental illness before you attend the GIC. Basically they wish to be sure that your issue is Gender Dysphoria and not some other health issue. Have you had other issues in the past that you think may cause trouble this time?

The system here is and why the diagnose phase is so long, that they will examine your mental health also during that 6 month diagnose phase. When I was twenty and it hit me first time, that I should have born into a female body, I just couldn't accept/didn't understand it and I went into a self-destruct mode. Just didn't know anything about TS, other than what adult magazines showed, which just didn't correspond to the image that I had about myself. Thus I almost ended up dead and had quite serious issues. I'm a bit afraid that what happened 15 years ago, will be again dug up.

However, I work in a demanding position with peoples lives at stake and if I truly felt that I have mental health issues or that I cannot concentrate anymore, I would have resigned from my work. I've kind of kept my work as a meter how well I'm doing mentally.

Quote from: bev2 on January 06, 2013, 11:32:20 AM
I understand what you mean. I have had similar thoughts. Sometimes I wonder did I act that way because I was trans or am I looking back on my past through the lens of trans-experience and fitting events into a perspective that justifies my transness? I no longer self-analyze in that way because it did me no good. It was just a mild form of self torture.

I think this is a good advice, I don't really know why I need to think anymore the past. Better to concentrate for today, for future and above all to the feeling that I have now.

Quote from: bev2 on January 06, 2013, 11:32:20 AM
I think you are worrying too much.

I know I do and that is my biggest problem. However you have given me a lot to think about and I really want to than you. You helped me to move a bit forward with myself and not to wallow with the same thoughts.

Thank you!

Quote from: Henna on January 06, 2013, 02:56:56 PM
However you have given me a lot to think about and I really want to than you. You helped me to move a bit forward with myself and not to wallow with the same thoughts.

You're welcome and I am glad to be able to help. Please do not suffer in silence, if you need to know more or just want to make a point then do post it here. You are not alone, nor do you have to be.