Ever see movie Night of the Iguana? The poet's daughter, a very decent character, tells of being on a skiff ferrying a river, when the little man rowing asks her for her panties. He averts his eyes, she consents. It was the closest thing to intimacy with
a woman that he could experience. Who wrote this work, I forget, was it Hemmingway? An insightful movie, don't make em like that anymore. So I have not been intimate w a woman in 25 years, a social malady from being sent to all male boarding school, and when I got out, I was terrified of girls, though always desirous of. I have always liked women's lingerie, not because I had gender issues, but because I associated lingerie with women and intimacy. I did not wear the stuff, just liked
seeing it in shop windows, occasionally buying for a woman the few times I was intimate with. So of late and being well in my years, I bought a woman's skirt at Goodwill, and I like wearing it in my home privately. I also bought women's underwear pants. It just that this is as close to women as I can manage. I desire women, not men. But somehow associating women's clothing with them and intimacy, it gives me some feeling of intimacy, though of course it's just conditioning like Pavlov's bell
making dogs salivate. I feel like I'm trying to fulfill both genders in one body, and am thinking I would like to feel what a woman feels emotionally as well, ie more feeling, cries more easily. I have a lot to mourn, and I think if I were more a female
hormonally, I might experience this. I'm kind of stranded anyways, cause my testosterone was so low, it wasn't on the chart.
If I were young, perhaps I'd consider TG, but it doesn't seem practicable at my age, though I've been told I am more feminine
than your average man. So I'm thinking of trying some bit of estrogen to see if I could experience the emotional, perhaps even
psychological aspect of being a woman? All in all, I think I am motivated in these ways because of not being able to have an intimate relationship with a woman. I prefer the company of intelligent women, rarely the company of men, although I had a male mentor in college I felt close to, but only platonically. I wonder if trying to incorporate the feminine because I can't have it in reality, I wonder if this has ever happened to anyone else and motivated them to want to transition? The ironic thing is that -- hypothetically speaking -- if I were to become M2F, I cannot imagine being attracted to men, and maybe I would miss the man in me who is trying to satisfy his desire for women in the only way possible it seems, by feeling something in her skirt? I just signed onto this site, this is my first post, so if I have broken any rules, please understand I did not mean to err.
