I have just started HRT.

Z

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on November 26, 2012, 02:58:10 PM
@Z: cool. I hope it works the way you want. 

Thanks Ativan, I feel very good about my decision to start!
Z

Congrats Z! 

I don't believe in partial transition anymore...

I came out as bigender.

Got laser sessions going.

Started switching gender presentations(sometimes guy, sometimes girl) everywhere, yes even at work.

Realized I can pass systematically as whichever gender I assume.

Realized my female side will never be considered "real" or legitimate as long as I switch to guy mode.

Realized it was easy for customers to gender me( whichever gender I was assuming) but staff members failed at pronouns consistently.

Thought that going full time female for a few months would make others acknowledge that Jessica is just as real as John.

Thought that I could be prettier on HRT and still present as a guy whenever I want to since I'm MAAB.

Got on a full dose of HRT.

5 months later I looked like a cis female and had B cups.

Realized I can't pass as a guy anymore.

Realized I don't exactly care since I feel much more female than male anyways.

Realized that I'm much happier. Overcame most of my issues with drug/alcohol abuse and destructive habits not to mention the rage is gone.

Can't imagine myself stopping HRT.

Can't imagine myself going back to presenting male at work.

Can't figure out how I ever convinced myself that I could live as both.

I still bind and dress as a guy from time to time but more like a crossdresser/ drag king would I don't really go out as a man anymore and I'm flirting with the idea that I can actually be just as bad ass as a girl. For now it seems to be enough. I do have bouts of dysphoria when I'm heavily objectified/sexualized and wish all eyes wouldn't be on me wherever I go and I could be anonymous like I was as a guy but I overcome these thoughts easily. The dysphoria I experience now is nothing compared to when it was the other way around so I guess that even if it wasn't supposed to go down like that at all a full transition turned out to be what I needed.

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on October 09, 2012, 02:02:42 PM
Toned muscles always look good.
Even if they aren't what you want exactly, they seem to accentuate the look you want.
Lean and mean always goes with everything.

Ativan

Exactly.
And after three months, I really look more the way I want. I'm toned and my shoulders are broader, I get comments every time I see my friends.
Yesterday I was feeling quite dysphoric with looking like a female. I saw my friend that evening and came out to her "for real" (telling I really don't feel like a girl at all and that I desperately want a change in my appearance, while before I've only told her I feel androgynous). She looked at me for a long time and said that she doesn't really see the girl sides of me, that I've really started to resemble an androgynous boy or something equivalent.
This made me really relieved, though I don't see the change as clearly as she. But at the same time I see that since September (when I first posted in this topic), I no more have problems with most of the changes that T could make. I have new concerns: how long will I be able to pass as a girl, whether I really need to think about coming out to my relatives for real, etc. But the added body hair wouldn't be a problem for me, anymore. I still would like to look pretty, though, but I hate the thought of not being able to grow a beard when I'm fifty or something.
So even though I clearly think I'm in the wrong body and my real body should be outside clear gender binary, I'm leaning more and more towards a masculine FtA identity. It'll be interesting to see whether this will change even more to the extreme, but I do doubt that.

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on December 05, 2012, 01:12:05 PM
I think the number or ratio of people who are is going to climb, we are just at the beginning, kind of.
The future is going to be different when it comes to gender and how it is viewed by society.
There will be less dysphoria with acceptance.
It's going to be better.
Ativan

I have the same feeling. In my age group and country there are more and more people who want to defy gender roles and gender binary. I hope this will continue, since that would make me feel much more at home in this world.

Yes, being somewhere in the middle or outside of gender is rewarding, confusing and challenging. It's easy for me to understand many things about my gender, but it's a real challenge to really start acting like my gender and face the fact that I'm outside the ordinary. I've always felt drawn towards the outside, odd, chaotic and undefined, but everything changed when I understood I can't act like one of the binary in front of others anymore... It's one thing to know what I am, another to realize I will never be happy if I don't have the courage to live as who I am.

But at least this seems like such a right path for me, even if it can be hard. It's like I've met an old friend, "me", again after many, many years, and slowly getting to know them again.

I experience major gender dysphoria with regards to my chest and I will be pursuing top surgery as soon as I can. I don't currently have a doctor or a therapist who can help me with this, but hopefully I'll have one in the future. I don't know how I feel about HRT yet. At most I think I would consider a low dose of T to see how it effects me. I really don't want to pass as a man, I don't have any social dysphoria and passing as a man would probably cause some of that, but I would appreciate some things T may be able to do for me.

I do want top surgery (or at least a reduction) and maybe HRT, but I don't know if I could talk to a therapist. I do know one that works with people in the trans* spectrum because of my family. But I don't know how they'd react. I'm sure they'd be supportive, but they might think that I'm trying to get attention or am making something out of nothing.

Quote from: hazelspikes on January 13, 2013, 06:56:42 PM
I do want top surgery (or at least a reduction) and maybe HRT, but I don't know if I could talk to a therapist. I do know one that works with people in the trans* spectrum because of my family. But I don't know how they'd react. I'm sure they'd be supportive, but they might think that I'm trying to get attention or am making something out of nothing.

Sometimes, when it comes to therapists, we non-binaries are a minority within a minority.  I do not have a bona fide gender therapist within an hours drive (on a good traffic day in L.A).  Finding a therapist who has an understanding of non-binary issues is even harder.

I don't think that non-binary issues have a large enough platform for that to be a course for a therapist.
There is however plenty of good information that they have access to. But also some really bad, outdated info.
Just as you need a surgeon to do surgery, so you should have someone qualified to at least make an assessment of you for any surgeries and for HRT.
I don't know, I've never looked into top surgery requirements, but I assume that you will need, at the least, an assessment for that also.

*sarcasm* 'Hey Doc, can ya cut these off for me when you get a chance?', 'Hey Doc, wanna give me some hormone stuff, but not to much?'...

Therapy is one of the crucial elements of learning about yourself, plus getting some answers to your questions.
Any good gender therapist will do, unless they don't think they can handle it. I don't think you'd find many like that.
Non-binary Trans* isn't that little thing off to the side that they don't want to bother with.
Many will look forward to the opportunity to learn more about it, from you, and what information that is available.
Crucial is finding one that you feel good with.
Shop around, they will all tell you they are really good, regardless, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are for you.

You'll hear it from plenty of people that self medicating is extremely dangerous.
You need blood work done, just to find out where you are, hormone and other things.
You will need to do this every so often after you start. Pretty doubtful that a Dr will prescribe with out it.
If they do,...I wouldn't think their level of competence is very high. Just my opinion.
There are many different kinds and doses for HRT, even low dose.
You need to find what is right for you, and the right dose.
What is right for someone else may not be right for you.

Make informed decisions.
It is simply something that DIY isn't safe, regardless of how much information you find.
Unless of course, you are a Dr who specializes in this stuff. 
There is a difference between full dose HRT and low dose, more than just the doseage.
If you can't find a therapist in your area, you might find one who uses Skyp.
A therapist can open doors for you to get to where you want to go, Dr's for HRT and any surgery you may want.
Ativan

Changes in the soon-to-be published DSM-V are considerably more open to non-binary identities. If your therapist is aware of these, they should be able to help you get the treatments you're seeking.

Z

Thank you everyone for the advice! I will have to do some therapist (i guess that's what you call it) research!

I am on full transition levels of hrt (M2F) & intend on eventually having GRS/SRS.  however My beard is staying

Quote from: Kinkly on January 17, 2013, 06:35:04 AM
I am on full transition levels of hrt (M2F) & intend on eventually having GRS/SRS.  however My beard is staying

I need to jump in here and tell you how much I admire that. I've started laser treatment to get rid of mine because I'm so eager to pass. There's a lot of pressure on us to give up the physical perks of masculinity. I'm glad you're standing up to the pressure and keeping the one you want.

Just dropped in for a moment. Jeeze there's a lot of stuff going on around here!

Therapists can help you with being afraid of other peoples reactions. That's a good share of dysphoria.
Find a therapist you like, that you can be yourself and comfortable with. It's key to having one.

Going it alone is hard and can be risky. There's more to it than just forums and stuff.
It's an intimate thing you're going through. It's you being with the real you.
Always nice to have someone who is good at helping you guide your way through.
Ativan

I've just changed my vote, it was originally "I have not taken hormones or had gender surgery, but I'm considering it". "I am taking hormones" is now appropriate.

Z

Quote from: Kinkly on January 17, 2013, 06:35:04 AM
I am on full transition levels of hrt (M2F) & intend on eventually having GRS/SRS.  however My beard is staying

Quote from: agfrommd on January 17, 2013, 08:27:35 AM
I need to jump in here and tell you how much I admire that. I've started laser treatment to get rid of mine because I'm so eager to pass. There's a lot of pressure on us to give up the physical perks of masculinity. I'm glad you're standing up to the pressure and keeping the one you want.

Quote from: DrillQuip on January 18, 2013, 08:08:23 PM


I admire this too. I think mixed gender presentations are beautiful.

Thankyou both, living as I do with a strongly mixed gender presentation isn't easy but it is what I have to do

Quote from: Kinkly on January 21, 2013, 03:38:10 AM
'living as I do with a strongly mixed gender presentation isn't easy but it is what I have to do'

You have always been an inspiration for me.
Ativan

Quote from: Kinkly on January 17, 2013, 06:35:04 AM
I am on full transition levels of hrt (M2F) & intend on eventually having GRS/SRS.  however My beard is staying

Quote from: agfrommd on January 17, 2013, 08:27:35 AM
I need to jump in here and tell you how much I admire that. I've started laser treatment to get rid of mine because I'm so eager to pass. There's a lot of pressure on us to give up the physical perks of masculinity. I'm glad you're standing up to the pressure and keeping the one you want.

Quote from: DrillQuip on January 18, 2013, 08:08:23 PM


I admire this too. I think mixed gender presentations are beautiful.

Thankyou both, living as I do with a strongly mixed gender presentation isn't easy but it is what I have to do

Quote from: Ativan Prescribed on January 21, 2013, 04:16:29 PM
You have always been an inspiration for me.
Ativan

thankyou this means more then you could know