I cant shake the feeling that everyone is judging me for how I have been handling the situation I am in. Claire and I decided to separate early December. We both agree that we have changed a lot over the last year, and I guess quite frankly I just got tired of being last on the long list of things to take care of. I know that sounds selfish, and I honestly feel selfish for the thought. I know the last thing that should matter right now is me. But I just couldn't stand being invisible anymore, before I started taking my meds I could just shut down and not care about things like that... But now I cant, and I miss being able to.

we are still living together and raising the kids together, but we moved into a bigger place and have our own rooms. I'm sort of seeing someone, and she has interests as well. We're best friends, just like we always have been. Anyway, I feel like everyone thinks this is all my fault, and maybe it is. But no one could possibly know what I go and have gone through in the midst of all this. How do I stop caring what they think, or how do I explain that this isnt all on me without sounding like I'm playing the blame game?

I had to edit this, because I realized I made it seem like the only problem was guilt. But it seems to be more than that, just fear of judgment. Though I think, the pain of judgment can sometimes come from a bit of guilt and wondering what could have gone differently, even if it's small.

I hope it's OK for me to comment here as a trans person. I know this is primarily for SOs, but I think I have something I can add here that might help.

I don't think you should feel guilty. If you are not attracted to women, you are not attracted to women. Love is a lot more than sex, yeah, but for many of us, we have physical responses to one sex over the other. I know that if I was dating someone who decided to transition to male, I'd have to let them go. I know that for whatever reason, I could not give someone who is a man my full heart. We all deserve to be loved in our entirety, and sometimes, that just is not possible. In that case, the most loving thing that you can do is to give her the freedom to find someone who can give her what you cannot. It hurts for both of you. My ex recently said that she started out certain she would be OK with my transition (we broke up before I began for other reasons)...only to see me recently and feel very guilty. Because it hit her that as much as she loved me, she is no longer sure that if we were together she could have kept that conviction that our sex doesn't matter.

It happens. I've read a lot of your posts and I know you went in hoping to support Claire in every way possible, and hoping to make the relationship work. There is no doubt in my mind that you love her with all of your heart. I am certain that Claire knows how much you love her, despite the decision to split. Sometimes, things just can't last no matter how much love there may be. It's a really sad reality, but something I do not believe you should feel guilty for whatsoever.

*hug*

As peky said, you owe no one an explanation. This is between you and her, and what you think is right is all that matters in the end.

Quote from: GypsySoul on January 25, 2013, 03:42:57 PM
I cant shake the feeling that everyone is judging me for how I have been handling the situation I am in. Claire and I decided to separate early December. We both agree that we have changed a lot over the last year, and I guess quite frankly I just got tired of being last on the long list of things to take care of. I know that sounds selfish, and I honestly feel selfish for the thought. I know the last thing that should matter right now is me. But I just couldn't stand being invisible anymore, before I started taking my meds I could just shut down and not care about things like that... But now I cant, and I miss being able to.

we are still living together and raising the kids together, but we moved into a bigger place and have our own rooms. I'm sort of seeing someone, and she has interests as well. We're best friends, just like we always have been. Anyway, I feel like everyone thinks this is all my fault, and maybe it is. But no one could possibly know what I go and have gone through in the midst of all this. How do I stop caring what they think, or how do I explain that this isnt all on me without sounding like I'm playing the blame game?

You do not own an explanation to anybody but G-d.
Be a good parent and love and protect your kids.
Stick to your dreams and plans
You owe to yourself to be who you are and to be happy, after that life goes on and what ever has to happen will happen

Quote from: GypsySoul on January 25, 2013, 03:42:57 PM
Anyway, I feel like everyone thinks this is all my fault, and maybe it is. But no one could possibly know what I go and have gone through in the midst of all this. How do I stop caring what they think, or how do I explain that this isnt all on me without sounding like I'm playing the blame game?

You don't. You believe within yourself, but you can't do anything at all about how others judge you.

Anyone sinking that low is gonna do it anyway.

First of all, my sympathies to you both. I know this can't be easy for you. You did the best you could, and your explanation makes sense; sometimes, even when both people are in love and trying hard, there's just not enough to give on one or both sides. You deserve to be a priority to someone, especially with everything you've been going through on your own. Please try not to feel too guilty (I know, easier said than done).

Secondly, anyone with any common sense knows that most of the time when a relationship comes unraveled, there's responsibility on both sides. So anyone who is judging you is not a reasonable person and is leaping to conclusions without all the facts - which may not make it easier now, but does mean there's not a lot you can do but ignore it.

...thirdly, I hate to say it, but odds are that people are more likely to blame Claire privately anyway, because of the assumption in our society that transitioning is this awful thing that *any* partner ought to leave over. It's not fair and it's not true, but it might work in your favor.

Big hugggs GypsySoul. So sad to hear things are not working well for you right now.

Quote from: GypsySoul on January 26, 2013, 10:50:20 AM
This is hell.
My marriage is over and it feels like it's all my fault. I honestly thought I was strong enough to make this work.
I guess all I can make sense out of right now is the fact that it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about me... I blame myself...

But on the other hand, she didn't try to stop any of this from happening. She encouraged it. So maybe I shouldnt be hurting myself the way I am. I miss her so much, I see her every day but I cant touch her, I cant reach out to her, I try to talk to her but shes so distant still. I can see the pain in her eyes and all I want to do is be able to make it go away, but I couldnt do it before and I cant do it now. I wanted nothing more than for this to work. Some days I am ok, I can smile and it's not forced. But today my heart is broken. I miss her.

It takes two to tango.

From all that I remember from you over these many months you tried hard to maintain the relationship and be supportive the best ways you knew how. No way can you blame yourself for not trying "hard enough". In fact, IMHO, you've gone above and beyond the call of duty. That is from from someone who is loyal to a fault. I doubt any people you know will think differently. Most wives quickly start looking up divorce lawyers, not literature on ->-bleeped-<-.

Over the past 2-3 years now, my wife and I have been riding an emotional rollercoaster as I deal once again with my trans issues. Paramount for both of us was the others happiness and their needs which often got placed above our personal needs. That is what a partnership is about. There were many painfull times we both not just endured but worked hard to resolve. At the very least minimize. Mine with her pain and her's with mine. It takes hard work by both parties to resolve.

You amply demonstrated being strong enough to make things work. Claire, for whatever reasons did not want to work as hard at it as you, was incapable of learning and growing, or did not want utilize your strength or any number of other reasons to distance herself from you emotionally and now physically. You cannot change a person unless they want to change. Even then, change is often difficult.

Please stop blaming yourself. You cannot fix a partnership that doesn't want to be fixed by the partner.

Quote from: GypsySoul on January 27, 2013, 06:03:40 PM
Thank you all. Sometimes just knowing someone out there hears me is enough to help.

I hear you too dear, my heart goes out to you, this is not your fault!

It's not your fault hun, it's not anyone's fault really..  It happens, despite your best efforts... but don't blame yourself sweetie. 

Don't you worry about what other people think! I promise you that no one is judging you harder then you seem to be judging yourself and it seems to me that you are judging yourself mighty hard right now...    You're doing the best you can, and you have the power to choose, right now, that your best IS good enough.

Being kind of new here and not knowing really how to view all the previous topics I just wanted to ask if you both had therapists, counselors or the like which could make the healing process a tad easier....

Even just a middle party of some description to just, I don't really know how to put this but I guess the kiwi in me is saying "have at it" I know you girls have decided to separate but sometimes the distance I used to have just really, really got me in the worst possible way, but then I met my therapist and Andi met hers and we started communicating afresh.

I guess I just read your last post and for some reason felt I needed to ask.
Apologies if I have offended in any way.

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