Hi, I'm a 24 years old MtF and been on hormones for 3 months. The issue is that I am so depressed and have no joy at all living my life. I'm asian and people keep saying that I'm so pretty. When I'm out for shopping, sometimes guys is flirting with me and asking for my phone number or my name. Inside I don't have anything at all. I don't have someone that's my friend, not a single one. When I began to transition 2 years ago, before I was on hormones, I've been moving between 4 different cities, cause I find it very hard to find and learn to know a single person. I have a job, but they reject me. My colleagues do have parties sometimes and going out sometimes. I ask if I can come with them. They are saying: "Sure! We'll tell you when!" So...a day or two days later I find that they've been on a movie premiere, had a party, dinner on a restaurant or what ever they were going to do without telling me. They know that I'm TS.

Some of the people I trusted before I transition...all of them have left me. My family doesn't accept me. When I just want to talk on the phone, it always ends up with a fight.
When I lived with my ex, she said that you should not do sex change. If you were born with the gender, you are supposed to live in that gender role. Before I came out, she said that she would be a friend and always keep the contact with me if our relationship would be over. But no, she wanted me to move out and said to me that she won't have a contact with me again, cause she would be so embarrassed if her friend will find out that she had a relationship with a "->-bleeped-<-".

And people I knew is pretty much making fun of me behind my back. So they simply won't to know me anymore.

I've been on a meeting for LBGT to learn some new people. Some of them didn't even understand that I was TS and didn't talked to me that much. So since them I've never been there again. It's rarely that I am going out to a pub or so. Since I don't drink and I don't like the environment at those places. I find it to be dangerous for me as TS in a club/pub. So, I am alone at home in my apartment all day long. Never had a single visitor in 2 years.

I don't have a single person to talk to, socialize with or anyting. I cry almost constantly and have to idea what I should do. It's really tearing me apart. It feels that my life is pretty much useless and have nothing at all to live for.

I feel that my only purpose is that the doctors can make use of me as a "scientific test subject" for this HRT.

// Love - T

I'm sorry things are so rough for you. You came to the right place. There are a lot of great people on here. I'm sure you will find some friends.

Hi Tachiyon, welcome to Susan's and you're in the right place for socializing.  Sorry that you are not in a good place for trans* support; neither am I so Susan's is really the only place I have to talk and get support.  That's one reason I am planning to move, to get to a more supportive physical community in addition to this one.

Quote from: Orihime on February 06, 2013, 11:05:20 AMI am planning to move, to get to a more supportive physical community

Moving to a different city doesn't work for me. Every people in every new city I've met is treating me the same way...

I know the feeling with depression. I am also 24 years old, will be 25 in June. However unlike you, I have never found the courrage to even attempt transition. I am getting help with my mental health issues right now, and am planning on "coming out" to a new therapist I am seeing. It is so painful for me. Deep down I know I need to transition, and deep down I can accept it. However I am so scared, and insecure about how people will react to me. I have little income, and am back living with my parents again after college. I really want to get out on my own. But I fear if I transition I will be even more handicapped... It is an ironic situation. The pain is so great that I shut out the world, and have a nervious breakdown, am unable to hold a job for very long, and am paralyzed. Because I try to burry away these feelings. Mentally it is as if I hammer my thumb, or light my hair of fire because I have a tooth ache.. I create all this anxiety to kind of camouflage these feelings to the point where I have thought about killing myself countless times.

I am now at the point where I think "I am already discriminated against" So if I transition they will have something physical to hate me about. Instead of just pointless anxieties. But I really wonder. I cannot see myself functioning any worse than I am now. I think it would be the best thing for my mental health. I see myself finally having some confidence perhaps, but having a stigma placed on me.. But even with that stigma, I got nothing to lose, and in all likelihood I will be better off. I really need some trans people around my age to talk to.. We really should chat sometime.

Welcome to Susans! Asian and Catholic and 25 so I know a lot of what you're going through even though I am still in boy mode - I am on HRT to the point where it's kinda obvious that I am trans ...

I don't really have any usefull advice since I am barely able to handle my own depression - except that if you need a friend - you can talk to me - or anyone from Susans. I know what it's like to have your loved ones go through different emotions about it. It has taken a while for them but they are slowly coming around and I wish the same for you.

My colleagues have pretty much exiled me from every meetings and gatherings and even my ex is now treated very badly. And I am familiar with feeling or should I say knowledge that people are laughing at me and disgusted by me.

All I can say is that you are not alone and would always have friends here.

That LGBT thing...I'm not going there again. One of them sent a messeage to me to facebook a few days later and asked me: "Hey, why did you choose to be TS? You mention that it's hard to be TS. But it's your fault cause you choosed to be TS" This person created a new facebook account only in purpose to send this message and be anonymous. Pretty obvious when the name was totally random...

LGBT meeting again? No thanks...not with them again...

Quote from: Tachiyon on February 06, 2013, 02:48:33 PM
That LGBT thing...I'm not going there again. One of them sent a messeage to me to facebook a few days later and asked me: "Hey, why did you choose to be TS? You mention that it's hard to be TS. But it's your fault cause you choosed to be TS" This person created a new facebook account only in purpose to send this message and be anonymous

LGBT meeting again? No thanks...not with them again...

I don't think you should let one person stop you from going. That is probably is not the feelings of the whole group. If you want to make friends sometimes you have to put up with some jerks.

.

Quote from: muuu on February 06, 2013, 03:00:05 PM
If that person is a regular, then I think others may be influenced by that person.

Have you tried moving to a different state?

You can't just up and move every time a few people don't like you. Some people are not going to like you doesn't mean everybody dislikes you.

I understand your situation, I remember when I decided that I couldn't live my life as a guy any longer. I first started with  gp dr, got him to prescribe me hormones, and doing things on secret like, then I decided to tell friends and my mom at first they went with it sorta untill they realized I was serious, so my mom contacted tthe dr and told them I had mental issues and that I was unstable and got him to not prescribe anymore I was 19-20 then. my co-workers started to pull away from me, and then it got to the point of being dangerous so I went into hiding witha friend, people were genuinly out to get me and possibly hurt or kill me because I was different. Eventually what happened was I met someone online and went with them to a club, she was a gg, and we were meeting with a tg, well i went along and after conversating another tg offered me a room to get away and start over. I took that chance and went. had a hard time getting a job but eventually did,it was a bs job at night with very few people, and it allowed me to make money to go to a real dr and get the hormones I needed, and also the funds to change my name and such. I then found a new job and no-one knew about me, and I kept it that way. Basically started a new life.
do I miss my old life I ran away from? yes a little, but not enough that  I have any regret what so-ever.
being tg is dificult, when you decide to finally come out,decide to act on, or whatever you have to be prepared to change everything and accept the fact that you will more than likely lose friends, but then you need to ask yourself this if they were really your friends than they would of been there for you no matter what.
I still have a couple friends from when I started transistioning, do they understand being tg? no I doubt it, but its been such a long time They dont remember me even being a boy any more.
I think if you are going to make the commitment, be aware of what you may lose, and if you havent done so already work on name change and such, so no one knows you as anything or anyone else, and second dont tell nobody that your tg. and if you do be 100% sure they are true friends.
You will make new friends I am sure but so times you have to go back to nothing to finally have something.

.

Right, and the place I was at orignally was veryhomophobic as well, thats why I said dont tell anyone your tg, If you pass ,its great because that will work to you benefit when you get money for name change and to help move.
My suggestion is this save money, take care of the name change, and if your crafty enough, you can get the gender changed as well than move to another town, or if you want to go as far another state. than in the new place dont tell anybody your tg, if you pass well enough it doesnt matter about the homphobes, to them your just another girl.

Quote from: muuu on February 06, 2013, 03:22:41 PM
In this case it doesn't sound like just a few though... If she's living in a homophobic and transphobic state, it might just be bad everywhere in that state.

If you pass well enough, maybe you can get friends that you don't tell about you being trans to? Go to some support group for other issues (depression, social anxiety etc), those aren't limited only to cis-people.

I live in the southern US in what they call a red state! And I'm sure there is people that don't like me here. And I don't care as long as there not getting in my face about it. But to be honest I haven't had anybody give me any real trouble. Just some stares and a few laughs which I kind of expect cause I don't pass. But I do think my days of not passing will be much longer. But either way I'm going to make friends cause I'm out going its not about where you live. Its your attitude that gets you friends.

Quote from: Heather on February 06, 2013, 02:57:03 PM
I don't think you should let one person stop you from going. That is probably is not the feelings of the whole group. If you want to make friends sometimes you have to put up with some jerks.

No, one of these guys were later caught for raping. Due to his mental, he is instead forced to psychatric treatment instead of jail. And of course he's still on those LGBT meeting. Dunno if it was him who sent the message on facebook.

I don't live in the US. I live in Scandinavia. And yes...you might think that people in Scandinavia are very tolerating against LGBT. Not in the state where I live. I've been only on HRT for 3 months and I haven't got breast growth yet. It's pretty obvious that people can see that I'm TS. I mean...I have a huge adamsapple that can't be hidden. Only when I'm wearing scarf...only then people won't see if I'm TS.

.

I've been through that period where I felt lonely and isolated after starting HRT. It sucks being in that limbo phase...

But I realised that I was just as lonely and isolated before my transition even with the tiny number of "friends" I had but I just ignored it and convinced myself I didn't need it. This might not be case for you but looking at the "what if I don't transition" scenario is far more bleak from a social perspective personally, at least after transition there is hope for real friendships and intimacy.

Are you full-time?

If not, I would wait till you are more passable if the issue is getting clocked and then just go stealth if your area is so intolerant. If your Adam's Apple is a dead giveaway, you might have to wait till you can afford a Trachael shave. Sorry that there is no easier advice but it really just depends on your social environment, if it's that harsh towards LGBT and I know how some of those European countries can be (coming from Eastern Europe myself) especially in the more remote areas.

You might just have to tough it out till things get better, but they do get better, it's just hard to see that sometimes! Good luck hun!

Quote from: Aleah on February 06, 2013, 05:09:28 PM
I've been through that period where I felt lonely and isolated after starting HRT. It sucks being in that limbo phase...

But I realised that I was just as lonely and isolated before my transition even with the tiny number of "friends" I had but I just ignored it and convinced myself I didn't need it. This might not be case for you but looking at the "what if I don't transition" scenario is far more bleak from a social perspective personally, at least after transition there is hope for real friendships and intimacy.

Are you full-time?

If not, I would wait till you are more passable if the issue is getting clocked and then just go stealth if your area is so intolerant. If your Adam's Apple is a dead giveaway, you might have to wait till you can afford a Trachael shave. Sorry that there is no easier advice but it really just depends on your social environment, if it's that harsh towards LGBT and I know how some of those European countries can be (coming from Eastern Europe myself) especially in the more remote areas.

You might just have to tough it out till things get better, but they do get better, it's just hard to see that sometimes! Good luck hun!

Yes, I've been on full time since my first day of transition 2 years ago.

The goverment will stand for the cost of removing my apple. Dunno when I will have it removed. Everything else is fine with my look. Only the apple and my voice that doesn't pass for some people.

I don't want to hide. If I go back to boy mode, it might complicate with my treatment for the sex surgery.

Fair enough well that's good, you must be very passable and HRT will make it even more so, maybe see a voice therapist and try get your voice better?

Also if it's so intolerable there because of how many people know, might have no choice and wait till those 2 things are sorted out and start fresh, don't necessarily need to move unless it's a tiny place.

Quote from: Aleah on February 06, 2013, 06:13:41 PM
Fair enough well that's good, you must be very passable and HRT will make it even more so, maybe see a voice therapist and try get your voice better?

Also if it's so intolerable there because of how many people know, might have no choice and wait till those 2 things are sorted out and start fresh, don't necessarily need to move unless it's a tiny place.

Been at a voice therapist for 6 months now, nothing has improved with my voice. Also a problem that makes me depressed.
I don't have a choice. I CAN'T go back to my boy mode. They will question why I went back to boy mode and it will put my treatment for transsexuality on a risky adventure.

It feels like that people won't care anyway if I'm gone or not. Feeling more like an embarrassment for most people, mostly to my family.