So I have to be honest. One of the reasons I came back to the forums was because....I guess it is the only real place I know of that has people I can open to. I have two wonderful friends i'm very thankful for, but at the end of the day, sometimes it is better to ask people who might have been in your exact shoes. I am going back to school this spring to attempt to get my degree in computer science. Basically i'm kinda running on my last hope both for school and an interest to get me out of a 7 year rut since leaving the military.

Unfortunately things have not been going....well they haven't really been going well at all. I've missed a lot of class, and its mostly due to depression over not only losing my job last fall (strong possibility it was partly to being trans) but being a guy again going to school with people 10 years younger then me on average. I also have found out there is something wrong with my liver enzymes and hemoglobin so the PA at student health can't prescribe to me until I get that sorted out. So my hope to be able to get back on HRT after 2 years is on hold, with the possibility that I might not be able to continue.

I don't think its to late to salvage my grades. But I can't move forward with this depression. Has anyone had severe depression while trying to juggle the stress of college and transition? What were some things that got you through it? Any tricks to at least get you through the days and to class on time?

Figure out what you would do if it is too late to salvage your grades, and don't be afraid to do it.  Talk to your professors or advisor and find out the least damaging way to bail out of classes.

If you're anything like me, then you're already burned out and pushing yourself harder is just going to make it worse.  If that seems to be the case, then consider bailing out now and trying again when the depression isn't so bad.  That wouldn't mean you're a failure, it would just means now isn't the best time to take on too many challenges.

From a teaching point of view if a student comes to me during term (not the end of it!) and tells me why they are having trouble in missing classes and grades are dropping, and the reason is sound - like depression in your situation - I, and I think all of my colleagues would move hell and the room next door to help.

I can assure you that most college and Uni teachers have had training in depression issues in their students.  And I hope this doesn't sound sick, but any teacher who has had a student suicide because of stress whatever never ever forgets it and never ever forgives themselves.

So they tend to be very sympathetic, that said I get 3-5 fakers at the end of the year who claim all sorts when they were just lazy morons who partied their way through the term.  No Sympathy.

Dealing with depression. Can I ask you to see your family doctor or the student doctor? There are simple and safe medications that may help (they helped me when I hit the wall).

None medication, ways that sort of worked for me: exercise, really hard pumped up hurt myself gym work is my kick. I still do it even though I'm now fine, I just enjoy it. See below, but I have music blasting in my ears at the same time, I'm one of the few woman in the weight training area of my gym and I'm quite tiny but I push it. I don't build muscle, I work the body.

Music, dance to it and go baby go.

Both of these release serotonin that is what depression slows or blocks, so gives you positive feelings. BTW many anti depressants do the same in acting on the serotonin receptors. 

Meditation - never worked for me.

Avoid alcohol, no matter how it may make you feel short term, it is a very false goddess.  'Illicit' drugs of any kind, I know lots of people will say a smoke is OK and very relaxing, but it does get addictive and then you are in more crap than you started with.

Try and stay healthy, eat well, sleep well if you can and keep trying. You have to let the body cope because the more battered the shell gets the less protection it can give to you.

Hugs and take care.

I do remember you and I wish you heaps of love and hugs.

Cindy

Hi terra, I know what your going through. I'm in exactly the same spot, just the opposite age wise. I'm young and inexperienced in a class of older people in college. I almost got thrown off the course for missing 2 months of classes. The past year for me has been extremely depressing. I am still depressed now but I learn to cope with it on a daily basis.

I would definately say its not an easy phase to go through, I get by from filling my day as much as I can with various activities. Even try a few new things you've never thought of doing to fill the gaps. I'm sorta strange when a cycle, play on my pc or a tricky maths problem makes me feel more relaxed. But there are some days when you will feel depressed no matter what you do. I get them at least once a week. Just try to push through them and look towards tomorrow.
Unfortunately in my case I have no friends who live in my area, hopefully you do as I speak to the few friends I do have on a daily basis. But it can get very lonely which does not help when your depressed, so I would recommend having someone you can talk to on a daily basis.

It definately helps alleviate some of my thoughts when there is someone else who knows it.

Hey

Terra and Jason and anyone,

You know I have a physical problem! I'm all ears and have shoulders to cry on and I never tell.

If you want someone to talk to I'm here, as are all the mods, whoever you feel comfortable with. WE are here to listen and to help.

Cindy

Depression is a mongrel of a thing but it can be overcome.  It took me 40 years because nobody recognised the real cause, but once you do find it, it is easier. GID is a big one for sure.
Anti-depressants are like a set of crutches really, for most people. They are a big help at the start of recovery, but you have to walk without them to recover fully.  Uni is about the best place to transition, it will make you one of the more "normal" students compared to some.  That has been my experience anyway (2nd year BA). 
Give it a shot and see how it goes is probably as good an idea as any, especially if you approach your lecturers and let them know what is going on.

Karen

Hi Tera.

I remember you. There is no problem at all not being in for a while, you cam when you really needed to and that's all that counts.

I don't have much to add, simply because you have several with immediate and even professional experience. I do reinforce a good dance though. As silly as it sounds it's great.

I went through college as a male and totally hated it. Especially as any friends I made ended up picking up a succession of girls and I wasn't interested. But lacked the confidence to say so!

Anyway. Just to say, really pleased to see you here.

Hi Tarra,

I went to school when I was in my mid 30s. Actually I'm in school again and, well lets just say I'm over 40. It can be discouraging when you feel like you are the oldest, but it must just be the luck of the draw for the classes you got - there are actually a lot of "non-traditional" students. Your school probably has a "nontraditional student's association". If you get in touch with them you might find some folks to hang with. That also goes with other stuff too. Your university probably has a GLBT organization. Plus, the student health center probably has a psychiatrist for you to see. Most universities have invested in one on staff these days. Depression is basically a chemical imbalance in the brain. It be best addressed by both psychotropic meds and counseling (usually cognitive-behavioral therapy).
Your school probably also has a student counseling center. I'm not sure how much they can help but it is worth a try.

Cindy is giving great advise - as always! Talk to your professors. If you are in an American school you are not even 1/2 way through the semester - there should still be time to bring up your grades.
Even though it is hard to get out of bed and over to class, if you can force yourself to do it, that will probably help.  Right now it seems like you may be in a self-perpetuating cycle. However, you can break it  - it will be very hard. However, as it looks like you are prior service - you know all about doing things that are difficult and that you don't want and don't think you can do.  And welcome back. There are always kind people here to lend an ear.

Good luck

Thanks for the encouragement all. Unfortunately I was on the verge of doing something very stupid and fatal today, but I guess my body's will to live just won out today like it always does. All I managed to do was scratch myself but didn't even draw blood. I had a friend come over, and I almost went to the ER to check myself in, but I spent a few hours on the phone in a hotline instead. I went to a psych ward once, and it will be the absolute last resort before I ever go to one again. Period. Also my friend now has all pointy and sharp objects at her house until I talk to a counselor tomorrow.

I sent an email off to all my professors at 2:30PM and as of 7pm I have not gotten a response from anyone. I don't know if that is a relief, troubling, or insulting but I guess since the police didn't kick down my door I guess they just ignored it. I should probably feel upset over that, but I already cried myself out for the day, so i'm going to try to get some studying done for my test tomorrow and maybe hit the rack early.

I guess it just kinda snuck up on me that apparently i'm getting dangerously suicidal. But I should be fine in the near future. Like I said i'll be going to the counselors first thing tomorrow.

Terra, thank goodness for your friend and the hotline worker. You were smart to make that call. We need you around, hugs, Devlyn

*Disclaimer*              Speaking for myself.

I cry... a lot. It works for me, at least.

I listen to happy music. Victoria Justice, anyone?

I work out. Hard. I'm talking "growl like Schwarzenegger" kind of hard.

I talk to my friends and sometimes cry to them.

Get a girl friend over, and watch a movie while eating ice cream/eggs. Works for me and my friend Winnie. 

Never drink alcohol. It's poison! 

Watch cute puppy videos on Youtube.

Sleep. 

That's a rough mix there: Computer Science AND Depression.  Two heavy hitters to be sure.

I was 32 when I went back to school to get my Master's in Computer Science.  When I opened up to my younger classmates, of which there were a LOT cause the undergrads were mixed in many of my classes, they did seem to appreciate the opportunity to learn from my experiences.  For me it was nice cause, even though there was an age difference, I wasn't alone working through school.

As for my teachers... my Grad School was B-I-G, and the professors there were often very busy so I wouldn't worry too much about not getting a reply immediately.  Might come in round 2 a.m.  They may be putting some thought into their replies given the subject.

I'm very glad you're going to counseling.

Just relax and indeed sleep.  I had a bear of a time through Advanced Algorithms and Data Structures because I'd freak myself out and stay up all night working on a problem (But I slew that dragon in the end!  Haunted me for 8 years, since I avoided the class in my undergrad days!).  Be serious about your studies, I tried to be jovial to get through my Grad School experience and more often than not my good humor was misinterpreted by my professors as I was accused of having a lack of seriousness.  That did not endear me to at least some of them.

Grad, undergrad, I had my share of holes I had to dig out of too.  Shoot, I was an idiotic, arrogant snot of a kid in my undergrad days and I skipped a writing class I was supposed to take because, "I was a novelist" so I got an "I" grade.  I ended up having to take the class again, so I managed to recover even from that.  So it is possible to dig yourself out of a hole once you've gotten in one.  Just don't give up, especially on life!  Or, to put it another way:

int main()
{
     while(true)
        printf("Don't Give Up!\n");

     return 0;
}

You can't quit until the above program terminates!

Terra.

You survived because you will.

You are only beaten when you say you are.

Hello Terra. I'm new so you won't know me and I don't know your story other than this post, but I thought I would reply as I was once in a similar ish position to you. I completely failed my first year of university / school and was facing threat of being thrown out of university, thrown out of my parents house and the sack from my job. It was all basically because I was going loopy thinking about 'trans stuff' and was terrible at dealing with it. I wasn't going through transition like you are, but I was doing a lot of thinking about how much I wanted to. It was a very stressful time for me, but I survived and actually went on to graduate near the top of my class. I don't know how useful my telling you this is, but perhaps just knowing someone else has been there and that it turned out ok will be some comfort and maybe incentive.

I'm trying to think about what helped me get through it, as it's a long time ago for me now. So, this is what I recall worked for me...

(a)   I was a very long way behind; I couldn't answer a single question in some exams at the end of my first year. I made friends with people on my course. I asked people if they would let me have copies of their notes for things I missed. Some people turned me down, but not everyone did. I didn't realize, during my first year, that you could actually go to lecturers, outside of lectures, and ask them to explain things you didn't understand. I discovered you could and asked them about things I didn' t understand.
(b)   Don' t let being 'trans' stop you from asking people for help. I'm assuming that as you are going as a guy, most people don't know about it, but even if they do, don't let it stop you from making friends.
(c)   Make a plan for each subject when it comes to revision. I was so far behind, that it wasn't possible for me to revise everything when I was doing resits, but speaking to lecturers gave me clues about what to focus on (they'll almost certainly want you to do well because it will reflect well on them), and I did my best to cover as well as I could what I thought was most relevant.
(d)   Eat properly.
(e)   Sleep properly.
(f)   Have time off to do things that you enjoy as no-one can work flat out all the time. I enjoyed going to the cinema, going for walks, going for bike rides, getting fresh air, swimming, jogging, rock climbing, attempting to fly gliders, listening to music and getting drunk (I did think about editing the last one out, but then I thought what's the point of not being honest – worked for me in moderation, bad in excess and possibly different for you depending on what drugs you are taking, etc... Also, I'm British and people from Northern Europe seem to have a different cultural relationship, on average, to alcohol than Americans, from what I've seen (I am assuming, of course, that you are American based on the words you are using for things)).
(g)   Think of something that will help motivate you to put in all the hard work that you'll need to put in. I'm guessing that one thing that may be a motivation for you may be successful transition, but regardless of whether that's something that's right for you (I have no idea as I've not seen your posts), there must also be other things you want to do... a better degree is more likely to put you in a position to be able to do them all. Stick a picture over your desk of whatever it is that is motivational to you, so you can look up and think: oh yes that's what I'm working towards.
(h)   Another motivation for me, at least at the beginning, was terror about what might happen if I screwed up any more than I already had.
(i)   I should think that your classmates don't care how old you are... You're only as old as you think you are – if not in body, certainly in mind.
(j)   Everyone else has good advice for you above too, and about things I don't know about, like counseling (never had any – I'm the kind of person who likes to solve their own problems and doesn't like asking for help), GLBT groups (didn't exist when I was at university, at least not the B and T parts anyway).

If I think of anything else, I'll add it. Good luck though, I can empathise with how you are probably feeling.

*hugs*

Thanks all. I really do appreciate the encouragement. 

Unfortunately I missed a test today due to not knowing where it was being held. I meant to make sure to learn about the location monday...but that didn't turn out to well. Didn't even get an email back from most of my professors, especially the one where I specifically asked.

I WILL make it to class tomorrow. Hopefully I can convince the teacher to let me make it up. Especially since I plan to get a note from the nurse practitioner stating i'm seeking help for suicidal tendencies. I can't get a university excuse because it is against university policies, but I will make this out even if I have to go to the dean's office.

For now, i'm going to read something funny. Eat some chocolate, and hit the rack early again. All I can do.

I went back to school after a few years off.  I did one thing - focused on school.  I made school my number one priority and anything that messed with that, I didn't pay attention to.  Nothing.  No play till I studied enough to get an A.  Was not fun but it worked.

Think about an incomplete or two so you can focus on the remaining classes. 

You can get through this time and be a better person for it.  Transition when both your mind and body are ready...... 

Memo
From the Your Mileage May Vary Dept.

Quote from: Cindy James on February 11, 2013, 02:03:05 AM
Dealing with depression. Can I ask you to see your family doctor or the student doctor? There are simple and safe medications that may help (they helped me when I hit the wall).

None medication, ways that sort of worked for me: exercise, really hard pumped up hurt myself gym work is my kick. I still do it even though I'm now fine, I just enjoy it. See below, but I have music blasting in my ears at the same time, I'm one of the few woman in the weight training area of my gym and I'm quite tiny but I push it. I don't build muscle, I work the body.

Both of these release serotonin that is what depression slows or blocks, so gives you positive feelings. BTW many anti depressants do the same in acting on the serotonin receptors. 

Meditation - never worked for me.

I don't know if this is because of being bipolar, or is related to gender dysphoria, but drugs never really worked for me. They presumably kept me from going manic, when I was taking them, but so have no drugs. And since an SSRI was the one thing that ever pushed me into full-blown, hospitalizing mania... well I understand good intent and all, but it's not true for everyone that antidepressants are safe. And in my case, people assumed a bit too much, and even though I brought up the risks, my concern that I might be bipolar was dismissed until I wound up spinning into a hallucinatory episode of oddly euphoric mania that I can make sound very romantic, but that took several years to recover from.  Please don't assume antidepressants are safe for everyone. They are great for most people.

CBT did help, at least a bit (enough though, most of the time) and a very long course of therapy helped me solidify a lot of fascinating insights about myself. It didn't do a lot about depression, but it keeps it self-manageable practically all the time, for me, at least as long as I don't short myself on sleep and stay reasonably active. Even when I was on a combo of Depakote (to prevent mania) and Wellbutrin, (to supposedly treat depression) I can't say that I feel the effects were doing anything to elevate my moods. I don't feel I was any better able to function when on Wellbutrin than I am today. There's no objective sign of any significant difference in practical terms, at least.

Exercise has never seemed to do me much good aside from weight control, and maybe higher energy levels, but at least in pre-transition limbo, being at an attractive weight has tended to add to stress and dysphoria and depression, as people tend to come onto me who I want nothing to do with, while those I long to be with tend to show little interest or show interest in a form I can't reciprocate and maintain any kind of self-respect. At least that's my take on why exercise has mixed results for me. It might also be my association of exercise with my time in the Army, and any connection there might be between those years, and a PTSD diagnosis. My therapist thought (at least that was my impression) that it would do wonders for me, but he was gay, and I really tend to think, regardless of his seeming sympathy, that he really just thought I needed a boyfriend.  I was at close to my ideal weight, in fact, when the depression worsened, and Celexa was put on the table, about 2 years into therapy.

One size does not fit all, but I do trust that Cindy's advice about talking to faculty ASAP is great, and I also hope that if I can take care of the practical end of getting somewhere into transition sooner rather than any later, that perhaps I will start feeling differently, and less conflicted about both exercise and weight loss.  Not gaining now, but not steadily losing either, and at least some of it is coming from this feeling of stasis, and lack of a viable plan.  Some is also probably me beating myself up over my encounter with the guy I think I'll hereafter refer to as Dick B.

More resigned than depressed now, though perhaps I'm only fooling myself?

Meditation, by the way, is probably what has worked best for me over many years, as long as I can bring myself to do it.

Hopefully you can pin down a course that works for you. I'm only adding here to add a note of caution in particular, about antidepressants and especially SSRIs, if there is any chance you might be bipolar.  No one should have to go through two years or more of falling from a state of near grace, to the pit and slowly, slowly digging out again. Even if it comes with religious visions.

Quote from Elspeth:

"One size does not fit all, but I do trust that Cindy's advice about talking to faculty ASAP is great, and I also hope that if I can take care of the practical end of getting somewhere into transition sooner rather than any later, that perhaps I will start feeling differently, and less conflicted about both exercise and weight loss.  Not gaining now, but not steadily losing either, and at least some of it is coming from this feeling of stasis, and lack of a viable plan.  Some is also probably me beating myself up over my encounter with the guy I think I'll hereafter refer to as Dick B.

More resigned than depressed now, though perhaps I'm only fooling myself?

Meditation, by the way, is probably what has worked best for me over many years, as long as I can bring myself to do it.

Hopefully you can pin down a course that works for you. I'm only adding here to add a note of caution in particular, about antidepressants and especially SSRIs, if there is any chance you might be bipolar.  No one should have to go through two years or more of falling from a state of near grace, to the pit and slowly, slowly digging out again. Even if it comes with religious visions.
[/quote]"

I totally agree and I should have qualified my comments in that way, what works for one can be poison to another.

Terra do keep a log/record of your approaches to staff, if it comes to meetings you then have evidence that you sought help and it was ignored/passed over whatever.

Good Luck Honey

I am thinking of you

C

I know it sounds impossible, but you must find some sort of distraction.

I've been going through some pretty bad depression, but I guess I must be more stubborn that I thought    I just push myself to do things I don't want to do, but know ultimately they will benefit me.

You have a goal, and a plan, if your sure that's the path you want to take, drop the doubts and negative thoughts and push yourself to get through this.

You might hate the situation you are in now - but if you don't push yourself to get out of this, you are going to hate yourself a LOT more later on...

Being bipolar, I know how hard it is to try and do anything when you're severely depressed, let alone school. I dropped out of high school because I couldn't deal with school on top of my moods, so I can only imagine how hard it must be for you  Meditation is a mixed bag, there's tons of ways to meditate, some have kind of worked for me, others make me feel worse. Exercise helps many people, it releases endorphin in the brain. Most campuses have a disability office, they can help to get you some accommodations to help make it a little easier for you. From my perspective, drugs and therapy work better together. In my case drugs play a huge role, but I do know some unipolars who need to be on medications to stay depression free or have lower levels of it, but then again some don't need it at all. Entirely personal. But the one best advice I was given for when you're depressed is, do the opposite. It's really hard, don't kid yourself, but it works so well. You will feel at least a little less depressed if you do the opposite. So get out of bed when you want to just lie there, go out when you want to stay home, call a friend when you don't want to talk to anybody. It's been nothing but helpful to me, when I can manage to do it