It's really eating at my soul trying to figure out if I am a transsexual or not. It's on my mind at some level for at least 40 hours a week. I've already been in therapy for 3 years to no avail (7 different therapists!) I've been on hormones now for 15 days and it's still unclear. Like I don't know if my heart what is right. I made a pros and cons.


Reasons I may be transgender:

-Literally my earliest memory is wearing my sister's clothes and loving it. I have been crossdressing ever since then.

-I started daydreaming about being a girl at age 5. It subsided for a little while, but then since the age of 13, I have sexually fantasized about being a girl every single day, multiple times a day for the past 8 years.

-Without going into details, but my first sexual experience was while wearing girl's clothes.

-female hormones make me feel excited.

-Imagining myself as a woman gives me the greatest pleasure that I've ever experienced in life.

-When I walk by female clothes in stores, I really long to be wearing them

-It gets to me not having a female body, clothes, or external appearance.

-I am engulfed by transgender culture. I subscribe to transgender blogs, I watch transgender video journals on youtube, I read transgender news websites, I'm member of transgender forums online. I am really fascinated by it.

-My whole sexual orientation seems defined by these crossgender feelings. I can only achieve arousel by imagining myself as the woman in the sexual role


Reasons I may not be transgender:

-I like being the alpha male

-When I talk to other transsexuals, I can't relate to their narratives.

-The things we want in fantasy might not necessarily be what we want in real life.

-Fantasizing about being a girl is more fun than the reality of it

-I could never love another man

-I like the male/female dynamic of a relationship (to be fair, I've never experience a lesbian relationship to know if I would enjoy it...)

-I can't imagine myself being a lesbian, it doesn't click with me at all. I feel like a straight guy.

-My girlfriend made me feel positive about being a guy

-When I was with my girlfriend, I never thought, "man, I really wish I could be a woman in a lesbian relationship with her"

-I have zero female likes, interests, or hobbies.

-I don't know the first thing about being a woman.

-I don't identify with females or have female friends or want any female friends

-All of my role models and heroes are men.

-I am very masculine

-I would not want to alter my voice if I transitioned. My voice is part of my identity.

-I would say that I am attracted to women, but I've never really envisioned myself as a lesbian. I have never been attracted to lesbian pornography.

- I have a rebound effect - When I'm done fantasizing, the feelings subside temporarily.


Other factors:

-I am romantically, emotionally, and somewhat physically attracted to women, but I don't really get too sexually attracted to them. If I do, it's very weak compared to my crossgender sexual attraction. My so called "crossgender sexual attraction" involves me fantasizing about being a woman and sometimes having sex with men (because it makes me feel more like a female).

-I could never relate to the other guys in the locker room who would boast about "banging girls." I don't get normal sexual feelings towards girls. I've never thought, "Man, I would love to have sexual intercourse with this girl."



I don't think I'm ever going to figure it out.

If you don't know, then you shouldn't be taking hormones. That shizz is serious.

For what it's worth here is my opinion:
You certainly don't sound transgender. For me, the drive was and has always been (per-transition and during) is to be female. I do not like being male, masculine, or even like the social role of being male. You appear to like the male role, your place as a male in society and relationships, and so many things which are simply masculine. (I am not stating though someone who is transgnder can no longer enjoy anything male, but for me I didn't want any of it) This alone, I believe separates what you listed, from many transgender individuals who have fully gone through with transition, from those who are really not. I would say for you to continue to cross dress and fantasize, nothing wrong with that, and do what is comfortable for you. Ultimately, you and only you, can really say if you are transgendered.
Best of luck!

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
It's really eating at my soul trying to figure out if I am a transsexual or not. It's on my mind at some level for at least 40 hours a week. I've already been in therapy for 3 years to no avail (7 different therapists!) I've been on hormones now for 15 days and it's still unclear. Like I don't know if my heart what is right. I made a pros and cons.

ok....the problem here is that you can't play Trans Math, but here goes!

Quote
Reasons I may be transgender:

-Literally my earliest memory is wearing my sister's clothes and loving it. I have been crossdressing ever since then.

memories are corrupt and unreliable.

Quote
-I started daydreaming about being a girl at age 5. It subsided for a little while, but then since the age of 13, I have sexually fantasized about being a girl every single day, multiple times a day for the past 8 years.

dang friend well i can p much say that if there's one thing you aren't it's Heteronormative Straight Cis Dude With All His Gender Stuff Figured Out.

Quote
-Without going into details, but my first sexual experience was while wearing girl's clothes.

ok?

Quote
-female hormones make me feel excited.

i can also say with reasonable security that straight dudes don't get euphoric when they're downing the blue pill.

Quote
-Imagining myself as a woman gives me the greatest pleasure that I've ever experienced in life.

ladies and gentlemen and everyone else of other genders, here we may have the elusive How Can I Tell If I'm Actually Really Truly Trans But Actually For Real test!  wow, incredible.

Quote
-When I walk by female clothes in stores, I really long to be wearing them

then wear them.

Quote
-It gets to me not having a female body, clothes, or external appearance.

that's called dysphoria, you may have heard of it.  it's sort of another hallmark of being trans!

Quote
-I am engulfed by transgender culture. I subscribe to transgender blogs, I watch transgender video journals on youtube, I read transgender news websites, I'm member of transgender forums online. I am really fascinated by it.

dang ok.

Quote
-My whole sexual orientation seems defined by these crossgender feelings. I can only achieve arousel by imagining myself as the woman in the sexual role

when gender and sexuality get mixed up like that things happen! 

Quote
Reasons I may not be transgender:

-I like being the alpha male

so do i!  can you believe it?  privilege feels good and it never feels good to have it stripped away by a society that says you aren't worth it.  being a nonbinary dykey chick type person means i don't get the benefit of the doubt with a lot of things and that SUCKS.  i frequently am nervous to talk about the fact that i have a girlfriend, or my involvement in the queer community, despite the fact that i basically out myself when i walk into a room because wow i'm gay.  but i'm happy with who i am and that's what matters.

Quote
-When I talk to other transsexuals, I can't relate to their narratives.

welcome to the club, here's your pass, you can join tens of thousands of others who don't relate to the complete bs that is the One True Trans Narrative.  because it isn't real and it only exists to enforce some bizarre gender role centric heteropatriarchal billy club to smack down the trans folks who aren't True Enough for the tastes of some of the psychotherapists.  gross.

Quote
-The things we want in fantasy might not necessarily be what we want in real life.

that's a fair point and it's absolutely true.  something to keep in mind.

Quote
-Fantasizing about being a girl is more fun than the reality of it

yeah, a lot of fantasies are more fun in your mind than they turn out to be in real life.  being someone who people think is a girl can suck.  but i mean, yeah.

Quote
-I could never love another man

me neither.

Quote
-I like the male/female dynamic of a relationship (to be fair, I've never experience a lesbian relationship to know if I would enjoy it...)

what is a "male/female dynamic".  what does that mean?  like seriously, there are plenty of queer couples that have that classical interaction, either between a service top butch and a submissive femme lady or w/e.  same goes for queer dudes, queer nonbinary people, and all sorts of stuff.  queer dynamics are great because there's no set definition on what Male And Female Means So It Can Mean Whatever You Want.

Quote
-I can't imagine myself being a lesbian, it doesn't click with me at all. I feel like a straight guy.

what does it mean to be a straight guy?

Quote
-My girlfriend made me feel positive about being a guy

cis people will do all KINDS of crap to get you not to say anything that messes with their fragile views on gender.

Quote
-When I was with my girlfriend, I never thought, "man, I really wish I could be a woman in a lesbian relationship with her"

ain't gotta be lesbian to be a lady lovin' lady.

Quote
-I have zero female likes, interests, or hobbies.

yeah, but what is a "female like, interest, or hobby"?  like those were invented by a society that has a vested interest in

Quote
-I don't know the first thing about being a woman.

not a lot of people do if they haven't been socialized with women.

Quote
-I don't identify with females or have female friends or want any female friends

if you don't want female friends, don't have them!  that's pretty alright.

Quote
-All of my role models and heroes are men.

that sort of happens in a misogynistic culture.  ever wonder why stories with male heroes are "for kids" and stories with female heroes are "for girls"?

Quote
-I am very masculine

join the club.

Quote
-I would not want to alter my voice if I transitioned. My voice is part of my identity.

nobody's makin' you change your voice.

Quote
-I would say that I am attracted to women, but I've never really envisioned myself as a lesbian. I have never been attracted to lesbian pornography.

yeah, me neither, lesbian pornography is made for straight dudes though so whatever?  i don't think about it too often.

Quote
- I have a rebound effect - When I'm done fantasizing, the feelings subside temporarily.

?

Quote
Other factors:

-I am romantically, emotionally, and somewhat physically attracted to women, but I don't really get too sexually attracted to them. If I do, it's very weak compared to my crossgender sexual attraction. My so called "crossgender sexual attraction" involves me fantasizing about being a woman and sometimes having sex with men (because it makes me feel more like a female).

-I could never relate to the other guys in the locker room who would boast about "banging girls." I don't get normal sexual feelings towards girls. I've never thought, "Man, I would love to have sexual intercourse with this girl."

I don't think I'm ever going to figure it out.

maybe not, but if you think that doing math games with how many True Trans Points your narrative gets you is gonna get you anywhere, then you're gonna have a much harder time of it.

here's the thing, gender isn't magic.  its trappings have been invented by people that hate people who are out of line, and it's sustained by people who are just as happy to see the variants, the freaks, the queers get thrown under the bus repeatedly until the underside of the bus is squashed to nothing and becomes like a supermassive black hole swallowing everything around us.

um

ok i kind of lost my direction with that metaphor but the point is that if gender exists there's basically a black hole that sucks in people and i think we can all agree that black holes are bad!  dang violation of the laws of physics.  and also the point is sort of that if you try to legitimize or delegitimize how you FEEL (which is something that only you can decide and leaving it up for a straw poll isn't gonna get you anywhere) then you're basically saying that society knows better than you.

and isn't the whole point about being trans like jailbreaking the dumb and bad stuff that society says defines who you are?  like who you wanna do the sexy times with, and whether you like black jeans or black dresses, video games or shopping trips, computers or calling up friends on the phone and eating ice cream as you tell them about your breakup?

you don't have to be a parody of a woman to be a woman.  that doesn't mean you ARE one, but it also doesn't mean you AREN'T one.  things can be confusing for a long time.  sometimes you don't even know which way to go.  hell, I'M still confused from time to time, i don't know how i feel inside and it can be really alienating to see a bunch of folks talking about their validating experiences because all i did was float in the direction of what felt good or at least ok or at the very least not as bad as the other directions.

and if you go by the principle of doing what feels like the least bad i think you can figure it out eventually, even if you back into a solution.

transtrender, that was a great post.

I think a lot of us that don't fit the standard trans narratives, end up playing Trans Maths (great term and post transtrender).

I'm starting to realise it is self defeating.. what is right for you and what you want is never going to be EXACTLY the same as any other person in the world, trans or otherwise.

I still haven't squashed my doubts completely and I started a thread similar to this (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,135724.0.html), there is some good responses there that helped me see that it's not so black and white for everyone.

I still haven't figured out all this gender identity stuff either, but you know what? It doesn't really matter if you understand it or not. You still can know what you want and how you want to live.. and at the end of the day, I don't think it's a mystery, that's pretty much all there is to it.. I want to present as a female and be treated as a female and it makes me feel right and good? Then I must feel female, even if I don't get that concept.

There are people who transition completely (post-op and all) and never quite figure it out completely (or are simply genderfluid) but they end up happy and just live their life and just forget about all this identity nonsense.. you can't see into the future but that's the whole point of RLE I guess.

If your desire to transition is strong enough to overcome your fears and doubts, than that is indication enough for me. I don't feel like waiting till I'm on the razor's edge.

Only you can really decide if you want it or not.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
It's really eating at my soul trying to figure out if I am a transsexual or not. It's on my mind at some level for at least 40 hours a week. I've already been in therapy for 3 years to no avail (7 different therapists!) I've been on hormones now for 15 days and it's still unclear. Like I don't know if my heart what is right. I made a pros and cons.


Reasons I may be transgender:

-Literally my earliest memory is wearing my sister's clothes and loving it. I have been crossdressing ever since then.

-I started daydreaming about being a girl at age 5. It subsided for a little while, but then since the age of 13, I have sexually fantasized about being a girl every single day, multiple times a day for the past 8 years.

-Without going into details, but my first sexual experience was while wearing girl's clothes.

-female hormones make me feel excited.

-Imagining myself as a woman gives me the greatest pleasure that I've ever experienced in life.

-When I walk by female clothes in stores, I really long to be wearing them

-It gets to me not having a female body, clothes, or external appearance.

-I am engulfed by transgender culture. I subscribe to transgender blogs, I watch transgender video journals on youtube, I read transgender news websites, I'm member of transgender forums online. I am really fascinated by it.

-My whole sexual orientation seems defined by these crossgender feelings. I can only achieve arousel by imagining myself as the woman in the sexual role


Reasons I may not be transgender:

-I like being the alpha male

-When I talk to other transsexuals, I can't relate to their narratives.

-The things we want in fantasy might not necessarily be what we want in real life.

-Fantasizing about being a girl is more fun than the reality of it

-I could never love another man

-I like the male/female dynamic of a relationship (to be fair, I've never experience a lesbian relationship to know if I would enjoy it...)

-I can't imagine myself being a lesbian, it doesn't click with me at all. I feel like a straight guy.

-My girlfriend made me feel positive about being a guy

-When I was with my girlfriend, I never thought, "man, I really wish I could be a woman in a lesbian relationship with her"

-I have zero female likes, interests, or hobbies.

-I don't know the first thing about being a woman.

-I don't identify with females or have female friends or want any female friends

-All of my role models and heroes are men.

-I am very masculine

-I would not want to alter my voice if I transitioned. My voice is part of my identity.

-I would say that I am attracted to women, but I've never really envisioned myself as a lesbian. I have never been attracted to lesbian pornography.

- I have a rebound effect - When I'm done fantasizing, the feelings subside temporarily.


Other factors:

-I am romantically, emotionally, and somewhat physically attracted to women, but I don't really get too sexually attracted to them. If I do, it's very weak compared to my crossgender sexual attraction. My so called "crossgender sexual attraction" involves me fantasizing about being a woman and sometimes having sex with men (because it makes me feel more like a female).

-I could never relate to the other guys in the locker room who would boast about "banging girls." I don't get normal sexual feelings towards girls. I've never thought, "Man, I would love to have sexual intercourse with this girl."



I don't think I'm ever going to figure it out.

I'm not an expert but after reading your story it sounds like it's more of a fetish for you then an actual need to be female. You have to ask yourself do you really feel like a girl and do you want to be a girl for more then sexual reason's? Do you feel like you need to transition or can you live as a guy comfortably?

I think your at an age where in your mind it's now or never and you don't wanna regret not transitioning 20 years down the road but at the same time your not sure if this is right for you so it's stressing you out big time. Again if you can live as a guy no problem then just do that have your sexual fantazies and enjoy being a man, why rock the boat if you don't have to?   

Wow..you really sounds like pre transitioned me. I had so may feelings similar to you and I can checked most of the things on your pros and cons  list.


Reasons I may be transgender

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-Literally my earliest memory is wearing my sister's clothes and loving it. I have been crossdressing ever since then.

Unchecked - I didn't crosdressed when I was young. I knew and wanted to be a girl but crossdressing came later. But ever since I remember I used my mom's Make up and I loved wearing her heals. But first time I tried a dress was when I was 16.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-I started daydreaming about being a girl at age 5. It subsided for a little while, but then since the age of 13, I have sexually fantasized about being a girl every single day, multiple times a day for the past 8 years.

Checked - I also had the same feeling, But I only started to fantasized sexually in my late teens.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-Without going into details, but my first sexual experience was while wearing girl's clothes.

Unchecked - My first experience was after I went fulltime. I was never interested any thing sexually with girls and I never wanted have anything with a guy as a guy.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-female hormones make me feel excited.

Checked - Yes they did

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-Imagining myself as a woman gives me the greatest pleasure that I've ever experienced in life.

Checked - It was same with me. and whenever I saw a nicely dressed woman I always wanted to be her and whenever I applaud for something I did, I wished I was a girl who was being applaud

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-When I walk by female clothes in stores, I really long to be wearing them

Checked - I did and I still do, the only difference is now I can try them without getting depressed because now I look ok on them

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-It gets to me not having a female body, clothes, or external appearance.

Checked - Happened to me every day. and still I get depressed when it comes to things like Babies, and other cis woman things.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-I am engulfed by transgender culture. I subscribe to transgender blogs, I watch transgender video journals on youtube, I read transgender news websites, I'm member of transgender forums online. I am really fascinated by it.

Checked - Been there, Done that.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-My whole sexual orientation seems defined by these crossgender feelings. I can only achieve arousel by imagining myself as the woman in the sexual role

Checked - I never imagined myself other than the woman lol



Reasons I may not be transgender

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-I like being the alpha male

Checked - So did I, and now I loved being the alfa Female 

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-When I talk to other transsexuals, I can't relate to their narratives.

Checked - So did I, I think many have this problem. We can all relate to bits and pieces. But not to the whole narrative.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-The things we want in fantasy might not necessarily be what we want in real life.

Unchecked - Well I didn't thought this way, but this was my mom's main argument when she tried to convinced me not to transition.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-Fantasizing about being a girl is more fun than the reality of it

Unchecked - everything has been much more fun after I transition. Finally I was the crazy girl I always wanted to be.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-I could never love another man

May be - I never had any feeling towards guys till I transitioned, I think mainly because I didn't wanted be in a relationship with a guy as a guy. But after year going full time I got engaged to a man who is now the love of my life.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-I like the male/female dynamic of a relationship

Checked - So do I, and I am the female in my relationship 

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-I can't imagine myself being a lesbian, it doesn't click with me at all. I feel like a straight guy.

This is 50/50 - I can't imagine my self as a lesbian too, I am just a straight gal. ( This was on the pros list)

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-My girlfriend made me feel positive about being a guy

Checked - So did mine, in fact all five of them did, but the wanting to be a girl never went a ways. As soon as she is out of my sight everything came back.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-When I was with my girlfriend, I never thought, "man, I really wish I could be a woman in a lesbian relationship with her"

Checked - True for me too, I never thought that way

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-I have zero female likes, interests, or hobbies.

Checked - So did I, but after transition I really enjoying cooking now. I love to try new recipes.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-I don't know the first thing about being a woman.

Checked - I didn't knew it either, How could I possibly know anything about being a woman, I missed that part of my life coz, I was raised as a boy. I started to learn to be a woman after my transition. 

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-I don't identify with females or have female friends or want any female friends

Unchecked - I had friends of either gender. but even to day more than 75% of my close friends are guys. 

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-All of my role models and heroes are men.

Unchecked - this is something we differ from each other. I had role models and heroes in either gender. But if I had to be one of the it would have always been a female role. But I don't think this has to do anything about being a girl or a boy.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-I am very masculine

Unchecked - I think genetics also play a major part of this. I was more to Androgyny  side of the spectrum and I never wanted to have masculine body. So I always stayed away from Gyms and anything that is going to build up muscles. But I have couple of cis female friends who have masculine looks and doesn't mind looking that way too.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-I would not want to alter my voice if I transitioned. My voice is part of my identity.

Unchecked - but this is always a personal choice.

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-I would say that I am attracted to women, but I've never really envisioned myself as a lesbian. I have never been attracted to lesbian pornography.

Unchecked - I am not attracted to woman, and I can't say I am attracted to lesbian pornography, but I think I find it interesting like many many other things. 

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
- I have a rebound effect - When I'm done fantasizing, the feelings subside temporarily.

Checked - Again, been there done that lol



Other factors:

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-I am romantically, emotionally, and somewhat physically attracted to women, but I don't really get too sexually attracted to them. If I do, it's very weak compared to my crossgender sexual attraction. My so called "crossgender sexual attraction" involves me fantasizing about being a woman and sometimes having sex with men (because it makes me feel more like a female).

Checked - I had five girl friends  over a course of 8 years and I can't say I was ever sexually attracted to any of them. I loved being with them and spending time with them. But I didn't wanted to do anything more than that. The truth is I had five girl friends and Ihad never kissed single one of them. No wonder they didn't lasted more than few months. 

Quote from: Ultimus on February 17, 2013, 08:01:36 PM
-I could never relate to the other guys in the locker room who would boast about "banging girls." I don't get normal sexual feelings towards girls. I've never thought, "Man, I would love to have sexual intercourse with this girl."

Big check for this - I hated when guys did that and girls loved the fact that I hate the guys who talked like that.

It took me several years to realize the difference between my personality and my gender.

Hope This will help you and hope you don't mind treating your pros and cons list as a check list. When I saw your list, I saw so msny exact familial feelings I hade prior to my transition. That is the only reason I used it  as a check list

And to add up to my post, I am 100% with transtrender, Doing trans maths will never going to help and there is no ultimate black and white for anything. Its more in shades of Gray ( Not Mr. Gray LoL). If I did the maths I would have never been able to transition.

Quote from: transtrender on February 17, 2013, 09:51:20 PM
you don't have to be a parody of a woman to be a woman.  that doesn't mean you ARE one, but it also doesn't mean you AREN'T one.  things can be confusing for a long time.  sometimes you don't even know which way to go. 

What is important is how you feel inside. Also I don't think  changing therapists so often will help much either. Its always good to have a second opinion from a  one or two. But 7 therapists in 3 years, I don't think none of them had enough time try to understand and help you understand how you really feel.

Quote from: Aleah on February 18, 2013, 12:03:40 AM
I think a lot of us that don't fit the standard trans narratives, end up playing Trans Maths (great term and post transtrender).

I'm starting to realise it is self defeating.. what is right for you and what you want is never going to be EXACTLY the same as any other person in the world, trans or otherwise.

I still haven't squashed my doubts completely and I started a thread similar to this (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,135724.0.html), there is some good responses there that helped me see that it's not so black and white for everyone.

I still haven't figured out all this gender identity stuff either, but you know what? It doesn't really matter if you understand it or not. You still can know what you want and how you want to live.. and at the end of the day, I don't think it's a mystery, that's pretty much all there is to it.. I want to present as a female and be treated as a female and it makes me feel right and good? Then I must feel female, even if I don't get that concept.

There are people who transition completely (post-op and all) and never quite figure it out completely (or are simply genderfluid) but they end up happy and just live their life and just forget about all this identity nonsense.. you can't see into the future but that's the whole point of RLE I guess.

If your desire to transition is strong enough to overcome your fears and doubts, than that is indication enough for me. I don't feel like waiting till I'm on the razor's edge.

Only you can really decide if you want it or not.

some REAL TALK here

thanks aleah & anya i gotta say there's like this expectation that you gotta be 100% absolutely positive of every little choice you make w/ regards to transition and that's just crazy!  we don't enforce that standard with basically like any other life decisions because everywhere else we know that there's always a chance things won't turn out how we expect

but that's gender too, y'know?  it's like, big, and confusing, and stuff.  i'm postop and i have no idea where i started and how i got where i am and y'all, transition ain't about amputating the insecurity off your body for 100% forever completely and totally.

i remember playing Trans Math back when i was a naive little kiddo and trying to twist the numbers to work in my favor even when The Sum Didn't Quite Add Up, but all that really told me is like, dang, you really want this huh.  so i went for it?  'n that's like all that really matters.  if you want it, go for it.

Ultimus,
While transtrender and others have brought up a lot of good points I agree with, I'd have to say you don't sound transsexual to me. From what you wrote, it sounds like this is almost strictly a sexuality/fantasy thing. You seem to really enjoy being a man.

This does not mean you aren't transgender of some stripe. But I think you should proceed with extreme caution in going any further down the transition route. I transitioned from female to male and while it was the correct decision for me, there are things about living as a male I'm less than pleased with. When you transition to the other role, you quickly see that not all the grass on the other side is greener. Indeed, it's brown in places where it was green and lush on the other side. I'm totally male and there was no doubt before transition. But I despise some patches of grass or lack thereof on this side.

This is a life change. I doubt someone who enjoys the male role in society as much as it sounds like you do will be happy living as a woman. Sex and fantasy have their place, but it's only one aspect of life. Unless all you're planning to do is have sex 24/7... What else about being female appeals to you, if anything?

Has your libido changed at all yet? That's something to think about.

Either way, it's good you're here exploring this. Good luck finding yourself whether you end up transitioning or not.

My advice is to go out there and do it - and by that I mean just go ahead and try to live as a female or androgynous person in a small corner of your life - perhaps joining a meetup (probably a queer/LGBT meetup would probably be easier if you're worried about being discriminated against, etc). There's no harm if the only things you're using are clothes and makeup, as these are impermanent. I remember writing absolute essays on forums trying to work out whether I was trans, and I spent years chasing my own tail, analysing, and analysing again, but to no avail. The only thing that resolved it for me was thinking "frack* it, I'm fed up of this confusion eating away at me every second of every day" and I came out to one friend, and met him as a woman, then another, and another, then I knew. I still had some doubts for the next couple of years or so, but I became more and more sure, then sure enough to take hormones. Now seven years later and post op I sometimes forget I even lived as a male - this confusion WILL end, even if it feels like it won't - whatever gender you end up as.

*Had to use the Battlestar Galactica version of the word as it's disallowed, apparently

Honestly if your on this site asking you probably are. Your reasons for not being transgender sound like me pre-transition.



-I like being the alpha male I was always the Alpha male

-When I talk to other transsexuals, I can't relate to their narratives. I can't relate to some other girls stories but everyone has a different story with different chapters.

-Fantasizing about being a girl is more fun than the reality of it. I use to fantasize all the time. Day dream in school about looking out the eyes of the girl sitting next to me. I never seen it as "fun" I just saw it as life.

-I could never love another man I've never been with a man. The thought of two extra limbs together in bed doesn't suit my fancy.

-I like the male/female dynamic of a relationship (to be fair, I've never experience a lesbian relationship to know if I would enjoy it...) Is it that you prefer the company?


-My girlfriend made me feel positive about being a guy All my girlfriends gave me this feeling its their job. lol

-When I was with my girlfriend, I never thought, "man, I really wish I could be a woman in a lesbian relationship with her" Never crossed my mind

-I have zero female likes, interests, or hobbies.  Nopes. Didn't have one pre-transition. Lived in the gym, fast cars, and smash mouth football.

-I don't know the first thing about being a woman. You don't know till your living it


-I don't identify with females or have female friends or want any female friends. Your choice of friends doesn't determine your gender. Almost all my close friends prior to transition were male

-All of my role models and heroes are men. See the above answer substitute "friends" for "role models"


-I am very masculine Lived in the gym. Did steroids. Drank lots of beer. PLAYED the part to a T.

- I have a rebound effect - When I'm done fantasizing, the feelings subside temporarily. The feeling of fantasizing subsides after climaxing then comes back two weeks later.. a month... month and a half... Then you tell yourself its wrong can't think like that. Then you find yourself cross dressing again.. Yep.. did that.



-I am romantically, emotionally, and somewhat physically attracted to women, but I don't really get too sexually attracted to them. If I do, it's very weak compared to my crossgender sexual attraction. My so called "crossgender sexual attraction" involves me fantasizing about being a woman and sometimes having sex with men (because it makes me feel more like a female). While your having sex, you imagine your the one on the other end? Thinking this makes you climax? .. Yep did that.. I never got really attracted to women sexually when I was with them. It was all more of less about the romance and emotional connection

-I could never relate to the other guys in the locker room who would boast about "banging girls." I don't get normal sexual feelings towards girls. I've never thought, "Man, I would love to have sexual intercourse with this girl." Nopes. Never connected on this level with men for years just said I was the nice, respectful guy... That's why I don't think that way and one last thing I found that I ended up in the friendzone with 75% of women I dated.

Excellent advice given here, and lots to think about for a lot of us who are realizing the decision and only outcome.

You can read all the advice, but only you know what/when/why feels right.  As long as you still enjoy being the alpha male, or even a participant, you are likely not in the transexsual side.  A lot of people are using "genderfluid" to describe themselves as liking to be in either gender depending on circumstances.  That is definitely not transexual.

The key is to keep on doing today the things that feel good and right.  Don't waste the good times worrying about what you might or might not be.  When the time comes, you will realize it and accept it.  Enjoy who you feel like being right now.

Barbara

Hi Ultimus,

Seems you have a lot of questions at this stage, maybe do a bit more digging internally.
You have to remember there is no rush, when its time - its time.

There is an excellent youtube video by a girl called Minorqback, she's done a heap of good ones, but this one in particular seems to shed a bit of light on a few questions or doubts you have.
Not sure if I am allowed to post youtube links and I would rather not chance it.
The name of the entry is "Dont be scared, hormones will change everything"

Hope that helps some,
Jay-Bird

Let peace be your compass, that is my best advice.  It has the effect of correcting for each person's specific situation and there is no need to try to map out every contingency from here to infinity.  Simple.

If you do something and it makes you feel more at peace with yourself, continue going in that direction. If something causes more angsty feels, correct your course.  This is a deliberate approach, which is good because it helps you cool your jets and discourages jumping headlong into anything.

It seems like there is a lot of fantasy going on with your.. scenario, and that is cause for concern.  I'm not saying it means anything for sure, just that when a person's fantasy starts leaking into the real world, they are bound for disappointment.  The real world is not very reflective of most people's fantasy worlds, that's why it's called fantasy, ya know?  But if you just align your actions with whatever gives you peace (see above) that takes care of itself.  When things don't work out in real life like they do in your fantasies, you'll feel that angst, and you'll adjust your heading.

Only you know if you should stamp yourself with the trans label or what that means for your future, and if you don't know,then nobody does.  The next step is just figuring it out.

Quote from: Jen on February 19, 2013, 01:21:35 PM
Let peace be your compass, that is my best advice.  It has the effect of correcting for each person's specific situation and there is no need to try to map every contingency out from here to infinity.  Simple.

If you do something and it makes you feel more at peace with yourself, continue going in that direction. If something causes more angsty feels, correct your course.  This is a deliberate approach, which is good because it helps you cool your jets and discourages jumping headlong into anything.

It seems like there is a lot of fantasy going on with your.. scenario, and that is cause for concern.  I'm not saying it means anything for sure, just that when a person's fantasy starts leaking into the real world, they are bound for disappointment.  The real world is not very reflective of most people's fantasy worlds, that's why it's called fantasy, ya know?  But if you just align your actions with whatever gives you peace (see above) that takes care of itself.  When things don't work out in real life like they do in your fantasies, you'll feel that angst, and you'll adjust your heading.

Only you know if transition is necessary for you or if you should stamp yourself with the trans label, and if you don't know,then nobody does.  The next step is just figuring it out.

whoa.  once again jen summarizes my rambles into some beautifully succinct text.  "let peace be your compass" is an awesome line.

i guess all i'll add is that while fantasy is sort of something to be wary about and treat with care, it's important to always consider that for a lot of folks that kind of get the gender straitjacket thrown on them bc of the society they're in, fantasy's the only method of escape.  so keeping that in mind and remembering to temper those thoughts with a recognition of how things WOULD be, realistically, is i think a healthy way to acknowledge fantasies and figure out if the reality of it is still something you want out of your life.

Quote from: transtrender on February 19, 2013, 01:24:33 PM

i guess all i'll add is that while fantasy is sort of something to be wary about and treat with care, it's important to always consider that for a lot of folks that kind of get the gender straitjacket thrown on them bc of the society they're in, fantasy's the only method of escape.

A valid point. Seems a lot of us have lived in our heads a lot.

Quote from: transtrender on February 19, 2013, 01:24:33 PM
i guess all i'll add is that while fantasy is sort of something to be wary about and treat with care, it's important to always consider that for a lot of folks that kind of get the gender straitjacket thrown on them bc of the society they're in, fantasy's the only method of escape.  so keeping that in mind and remembering to temper those thoughts with a recognition of how things WOULD be, realistically, is i think a healthy way to acknowledge fantasies and figure out if the reality of it is still something you want out of your life.

Right.  I know I wasn't being very clear.  There is nothing wrong with having fantasies, have fun with them, idc.  I would just be cautious about considering transition based on a fantasy.  Maybe that isn't even on your mind anyway.  And I don't mean to just forget about it just because it's a fantasy.  Like transtrender said, these fantasies could very well be your psyche's way of trying to communicate with you about a deeper issue... or not.   I think your subconscious will communicate with you either way if you just start exploring things by making you feel more at peace or more unhappyish.

I recently discovered a term 'gender euphoria'. Basically it means that one feels excited about being the opposite gender to which one was born. This is distinct, although not exclusive from gender dysphoria, which is what I think transsexuals struggle with. We can be gender dysphoric, and gender euphoric at the same time ie. we hate the gender we are born as, and the idea of being the other gender delights us. You don't seem to be gender dysphoric though. If the idea of being a woman excites you, but then dies down after a time, and the idea of enjoying being the alpha male is persistent, then I don't think you are transsexual, at least not in the traditional Harry Benjamin standards sense.

I don't believe in pigeon-holing people into categories though. If you still like being the alpha-male, but love the idea of being female, there's nothing to stop you from expressing that in so many ways - cross-dressing, hair removal, trying to view things from a more feminine perspective for example. You could even take hormones and still live in the world at large as an alpha male. I'm not opposed to people taking hrt outside of Harry Benjamin standards, as long as you are being monitored by a doctor. After all, it's your body, and you have a right to do with it what you choose. However, you would have to be VERY self-assured about who are you are if you do this, because hormones will change the way you think, will affect your male drive (you may find that you aren't as driven to compete and get to the top of the business world for example), and they will have an enormous effect on your libido and how you express yourself sexually. I know of two people who have high-powered alpha-male jobs as men, and have both been taking hormones for over half a decade. They are at the very top of their companies, and are both millionaires. One of them once expressed to me, that although she is still dominant in her company, she doesn't feel that she would have had the drive to reach the top if she had started hormones earlier. She doesn't want to continue to live as male for much longer. The other one, however, admitted to me once that she started taking hormones because the idea of having a feminine body thrilled her. She is happy being male in the public and business world, and expressing herself as a female only once in a while.

It's okay to be bi-gendered, and to express femininity in ways other than transitioning, even though you may not be fully transsexual. In my mind, if the idea of being male doesn't cause you extreme mental anguish, then you aren't transsexual. And that's more than okay. I also happen to find androgynous looking alpha males who can express their feminine side very appealing sexually. Don't forget, being an alpha male in the new information tech world doesn't necessarily mean you have to be uber-masculine. Look at Bill Gates, he isn't exactly the most manly man around.

I think the best thing would be for you to find somebody to talk to who is experienced in gender issues. You can also find local trans support groups, but there's a danger there in that there are some who will encourage you to do things you may or may not be prepared for. The key is to be honest with yourself. If there is an element of sexual thrill to your ideas of being a woman, then perhaps it's best to express your femininity through cross-dressing, hair removal, laser, and even some facial surgery or breast implants (there is a whole sub-culture of men who are happy being men, but who get breast implants) if you want to take it that far, but stay away from hormones. If you don't care about your male sex drive, then perhaps hormones might be an option and may provide you some relief, although I would definitely suggest you talk to a gender professional in this case. I think you can continue to live as a male on hrt, although you will look younger and more feminine. You may even find that you become more handsome / pretty as a man when you take hormones. Again, I think you should find somebody to talk to who is experienced with gender variant people.